GoodnessGracious_Copyable_Script

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GOODNESS GRACIOUS

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A "fractured" fairy tale by Henry W. Kimmel

www.youthplays.com info@youthplays.com 424-703-5315

Goodness Gracious © 2011 Henry W. Kimmel All rights reserved. ISBN 978-1-62088-447-8.

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CAST OF CHARACTERS GRACIOUS, female.

LITTLE RED, female.

STUFFED COW, male/female.

CHIP (Stuffed Bear), male/female.

NIKITA (Stuffed Monkey), male/female.

VIRGIL SHAKOPOPOLIS (Stuffed Horse), male/female.

ANGRY, female.

WHINEY, female.

PARENTS (could be played as one character or two) MOTHER FATHER CINDY (Cinderella), female.

MIRROR, male/female.

JACK THE FLACK, male.

BIG BAD (Larry) WOLF (AKA MISUNDERSTOOD WOLF), male.

GRANDMOTHER, female.

HUNTSMAN, female.

PRINCE CHARMING, male (could be female with script alteration).

SLEEPING BEAUTY, female.

LESLIE, female.

The roles of Gracious and Little Red should be played by one actor. The other actors may play more than one role.

SETTING The room of a 12-year-old girl.

STAGING NOTES In the original staging of this play, 10 actors (seven female and three male) played all roles, with every actor doubling except for Gracious and Red. The stage was a raised platform 16 feet by 20 feet. This is where most of the action of the play took place, and where the actors transformed themselves into their characters. On the stage right and stage left sides of the platform were five stools each, one for each actor. (Each of the actors designed the artwork for his or her own stool. By each stool was a bin of props for each of the actors. On the upstage side of the platform (farthest away from the audience) was a costume rack, where the actors playing multiple roles could get and change their costumes. This rack also served as the entrance for grandmother's house - and as the place from behind which Little Red first emerged. Part of the play's motion and theatricality came from the audience's ability to see the staging unfold in front of them. Characters made entrances from and exits to the stools. This created an ensemble effect and allowed the action of the play to occur seamlessly and briskly.

This play allows for flexible staging, and the director does not have to be bound by the suggestion above.

In addition, there was an optional Narrator at the very start of the play. Her lines read like this. (Again, this is just one option.)

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NARRATOR: One upon a time there was a little girl named Gracious. When Gracious was not getting along with her friends and feeling lonely, she would sit in her room and read to her favorite stuffed animals: Chip the Bear, Nikita her monkey, and the horse named Virgil. This is one of those days.

Goodness Gracious

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(GRACIOUS reads a fairy tale to her assembly of stuffed animals.)

GRACIOUS: Once upon a time there was a little girl named Little Red Riding Hood. One day Little Red Riding Hood's mother... (Loud snoring:) You're not listening.

MONKEY (NIKITA): We're stuffed animals. It's hard for us to listen.

GRACIOUS: Can't you at least pretend to listen?

MONKEY (NIKITA): We did. The first hundred times you told the story. Now it's hard for us not to fall asleep before you say "once upon a time."

GRACIOUS: I haven't told you this story a hundred times.

BEAR (CHIP): A hundred and seventeen.

MONKEY (NIKITA): Not that we're counting.

HORSE (VIRGIL): But you only tell this story when you're feeling sorry for yourself, and these days that's most of the time.

GRACIOUS: I'm not feeling sorry for myself.

MONKEY (NIKITA): Then why did you lock yourself in your room on a beautiful Saturday afternoon?

GRACIOUS: Because I chose to lock myself in my room on a beautiful Saturday afternoon.

HORSE (VIRGIL): Because you weren't invited to Sandra's party?

GRACIOUS: I was invited to Sandra's party.

HORSE (VIRGIL): No, you weren't.

GRACIOUS: Because I'm not speaking to her.

BEAR (CHIP): And Leslie's not speaking to you either. © Henry W. Kimmel NOTE: Authorized producers of Goodness Gracious ONLY have permission to print and copy this play as necessary for production.

All other copying is prohibited.

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Henry W. Kimmel

GRACIOUS: She's not?

BEAR (CHIP): I thought that's what you said.

GRACIOUS: Did I? MONKEY (NIKITA): She's not speaking to you because you're not speaking to Sandra, and she's not not speaking to Sandra because Sandra's not speaking to you.

GRACIOUS: It's a lot more complicated than that.

MONKEY (NIKITA): Is it?

GRACIOUS: Well.

BEAR (CHIP): We don't blame you for not wanting to go out.

MONKEY (NIKITA): Because we like it here.

BEAR (CHIP): In your room.

MONKEY (NIKITA): Where it's dark.

BEAR (CHIP): Cozy.

HORSE (VIRGIL): Disturbingly neat.

BEAR (CHIP): Not that we spend a lot of time thinking.

MONKEY (NIKITA): But it bothers us to see you upset.

BEAR (CHIP): Because when you're upset, we're upset.

HORSE (VIRGIL): And not just because you chew on us.

BEAR (CHIP): But because we think you're a marvelous person.

MONKEY (NIKITA): Even though you don't believe us.

GRACIOUS: (Trying to change the subject:) Let's pretend I'm the teacher, and you're my first grade class.

BEAR (CHIP): Oh boy.

© Henry W. Kimmel NOTE: Authorized producers of Goodness Gracious ONLY have permission to print and copy this play as necessary for production.

All other copying is prohibited.

Goodness Gracious

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GRACIOUS: It's now quiet time, and we're going to gather around to hear the story of...

HORSE (VIRGIL): (Tired:) Little Red Riding Hood.

GRACIOUS: You don't like a story with a happy ending?

HORSE (VIRGIL): I'd rather have different than happy.

GRACIOUS: Well, I'd rather have happy.

MONKEY (NIKITA): Can't we have different and happy?

GRACIOUS: Different?

BEAR (CHIP): Why don't we tell the story to you?

GRACIOUS: I don't think it's a good idea for the teacher to lose control of her class.

HORSE (VIRGIL): Even if she learns something along the way?

GRACIOUS: What can I learn from you? You're just stuffed animals. Figments of my imagination.

HORSE (VIRGIL): Maybe your imagination can use a little work.

GRACIOUS: What do you mean?

(Light shift. LITTLE RED appears.)

LITTLE RED: Once upon a time there was a girl named Gracious.

GRACIOUS: Excuse me.

LITTLE RED: Hush.

GRACIOUS: What are you doing?

LITTLE RED: I'm telling a story.

GRACIOUS: About me? © Henry W. Kimmel NOTE: Authorized producers of Goodness Gracious ONLY have permission to print and copy this play as necessary for production.

All other copying is prohibited.

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LITTLE RED: Not if you interrupt.

GRACIOUS: But I'm supposed to be telling the story about you.

LITTLE RED: They already know the story about me.

GRACIOUS: Little Red Riding Hood.

LITTLE RED: I'm now Little Red Riding from The Hood.

GRACIOUS: Excuse me.

BEAR (CHIP): She's looking for something progressive.

GRACIOUS: Progressive?

LITTLE RED: Don't you get tired of doing the same thing in the same way every day?

GRACIOUS: Michelle says I shouldn't worry about what other people think. But now I worry about what they don't think.

LITTLE RED: Who's Michelle?

MONKEY (NIKITA): Her best friend who moved away.

BEAR (CHIP): Four years ago.

LITTLE RED: Maybe it's time to meet some new friends.

GRACIOUS: I have lots of friends. I just don't speak to them.

BEAR (CHIP): (About Little Red:) What about her?

GRACIOUS: Isn't Little Red Riding Hood supposed to wear a red cape?

LITTLE RED: I'm trying to break in something new.

GRACIOUS: Lavender?

LITTLE RED: It goes with my hair, don't you think?

GRACIOUS: Different, but nice. © Henry W. Kimmel NOTE: Authorized producers of Goodness Gracious ONLY have permission to print and copy this play as necessary for production.

All other copying is prohibited.

Goodness Gracious LITTLE RED: Do you want to go on an adventure with me?

GRACIOUS: I don't have permission from my parents.

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PARENTS (OFF): Gracious, you've cleaned your room; you've done your homework; you've practiced your flute. Would you please do something outside?

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LITTLE RED: That's your Mom?

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GRACIOUS: She's always trying to get me to do something new.

LITTLE RED: How cool.

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PARENTS (OFF): Just make sure you're home by dinner.

LITTLE RED: Awesome.

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GRACIOUS: I guess it's okay to go with you.

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GRACIOUS: Where do you want to go?

LITTLE RED: Not sure yet.

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STUFFED COW: Aren't you supposed to go to Grandma's?

LITTLE RED: Who are you—the cow who jumped over the moon?

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STUFFED COW: You got me at Chik-Fil-A. You pleaded with your mother to get you a new toy, and now you just ignore me.

LITTLE RED: I was younger then.

STUFFED COW: It was last week.

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LITTLE RED: Can I get on with my story?

STUFFED COW: Your story?

LITTLE RED: Goodness Gracious.

GRACIOUS: By Little Red Riding Hood. I mean, Little Red Riding from The Hood. © Henry W. Kimmel NOTE: Authorized producers of Goodness Gracious ONLY have permission to print and copy this play as necessary for production.

All other copying is prohibited.

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LITTLE RED: Why don't you call me Red for short?

GRACIOUS: Red. LITTLE RED: Gracious.

GRACIOUS: Is it okay if I wear a red cape?

LITTLE RED: Turquoise is a better color for you.

GRACIOUS: You're purple, and I'm blue. On the spectrum of colors, we're right next to each other.

LITTLE RED: Let's start our adventure with an enchanting horse-drawn carriage!

(Little Red snaps her fingers.

WHINEY approach.)

Lights shift.

ANGRY and

GRACIOUS: Those aren't horses, and they don't look very enchanting.

(Angry and Whiney lift Little Red and Gracious.)

WHINEY: Why do we have to do the heavy lifting?

ANGRY: Shut up, Whiney.

WHINEY: The other dwarves don't have to work this hard.

And when they do, they get paid time and a half, while we do twice the work and get paid like teachers.

ANGRY: The other dwarves were cast in the story with Snow White. We were turned away because we didn't have enough "nuance." You want nuance, I'll hit you over the head with NUANCE! WHINEY: Do you have to be so Angry?

ANGRY: Yes, I have to be angry. That's my name. ANGRY! WHINEY: All right, all right. You hurt my ears.

© Henry W. Kimmel NOTE: Authorized producers of Goodness Gracious ONLY have permission to print and copy this play as necessary for production.

All other copying is prohibited.

Goodness Gracious

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ANGRY: Let's go find Prince Charming and tell him we've got the one thing he hasn't got...

(He pulls Whiney toward him.) ...each other.

(Angry and Whiney exit.)

GRACIOUS: Wow. They seem...

ANGRY: (Sticking his head back in) Angry!

(He departs.)

LITTLE RED: I'm kind of new at this. I don't have complete control over what I'm doing yet.

GRACIOUS: What does that mean...you don't have complete control?

LITTLE RED: You'll have to help me along the way.

GRACIOUS: But this is all new to me, too.

LITTLE RED: Then I guess it's a good thing we're doing it together.

GRACIOUS: What exactly are we doing?

LITTLE RED: (Snaps her fingers:) Lights please. (Pause.)

Brighter. (Pause.) Not that bright. (Deep breath:) Once upon a time there was a girl named Gracious. Gracious liked to read, clean her room and practice her flute. (To Gracious:) Wow, you are, like, really weird. But I mean that in a good way.

GRACIOUS: I do get in fights with my parents.

PARENTS (OFF): Would you please do something aside from read? Even for just a half hour each day? I don't care if it's a video or TV or an X-Box 650. Just put down your book long enough to experience the world.

LITTLE RED: (To Gracious:) That's a fight? © Henry W. Kimmel NOTE: Authorized producers of Goodness Gracious ONLY have permission to print and copy this play as necessary for production.

All other copying is prohibited.

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GRACIOUS: Well...

LITTLE RED: (Continuing with story:) But Gracious didn't hear her parents and kept on reading. Last Tuesday, when no one was home, she snuck into her father's study and read his Wall Street Journal.

GRACIOUS: Once upon a undercapitalized hedge fund...

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(All the stuffed animals run away.)

LITTLE RED: One day, when Gracious was in the middle of The Fountainhead, she realized something was missing from her life.

GRACIOUS: My life was missing from my life.

LITTLE RED: Gracious had a friend—at least what she thought was a friend—but she was really into herself, which was okay...up to a point.

CINDY: Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's the fairest of them all?

GRACIOUS: Cinderella.

CINDY: The name is cindy—with a lower case "c".

GRACIOUS: cindy?

CINDY: If you don't mind, I was having a conversation.

GRACIOUS: With your mirror?

CINDY: Isn't it clear that I'm the fairest—and when I say fairest, I mean sassiest?

GRACIOUS: Why do you care what people think?

CINDY: For the same reason you do—it's too hard not to.

LITTLE RED: That night when Gracious went home, she spoke to her mirror. © Henry W. Kimmel NOTE: Authorized producers of Goodness Gracious ONLY have permission to print and copy this play as necessary for production.

All other copying is prohibited.

Goodness Gracious

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GRACIOUS: Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's the Fairest of them all?

MIRROR: If you see Cinderella, tell her I saw Prince Charming with Sleeping Beauty—even though Sleeping Beauty said she wasn't going to see Prince Charming unless he called to say he was sorry for missing her swimming party to go skateboarding with his friends.

GRACIOUS: Maybe there's more than one Prince Charming.

MIRROR: Trust me. They're not that charming. They only say what they think you want to hear.

LITTLE RED: (Interjecting:) Would you quit with the mirror?!

GRACIOUS: You're the one telling the story.

LITTLE RED: I didn't think you'd be so compliant.

GRACIOUS: I don't know what that means.

LITTLE RED: Wear this.

GRACIOUS: Your lavender cape?

LITTLE RED: I'm having trouble telling the story without it.

(Lights shift as they head into town.)

JACK THE FLACK: Hey Sister, Hey Sister, sell a can of corn, mister.

GRACIOUS: Who are you?

JACK THE FLACK: I'm Little Jack Horner. I sit on the corner.

I rap, I nap, I don't talk to no sap.

GRACIOUS: Shouldn't you be in a nursery rhyme, not a fairy tale?

JACK THE FLACK: *&%&%)%%&#($.

GRACIOUS: Oh my goodness. © Henry W. Kimmel NOTE: Authorized producers of Goodness Gracious ONLY have permission to print and copy this play as necessary for production.

All other copying is prohibited.

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LITTLE RED: They had to take him out of the nursery rhyme.

Too many parental complaints.

JACK THE FLACK: What'cha got in your hand, sister?

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GRACIOUS: I'm not sure.

JACK THE FLACK: A little smack for Grandma?

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GRACIOUS: Smack?

JACK THE FLACK: Cookies!

JACK THE FLACK: Lemme take a look.

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GRACIOUS: It looks like something from Starbucks.

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LITTLE RED: Why don't you take a step back, Jack?

LITTLE RED: BOOOO!!!!

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(Jack faints.)

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JACK THE FLACK: (Moving toward Gracious:) Not till I get a little treat from my sweet.

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GRACIOUS: Oh no. Did he faint?

LITTLE RED: He eats too much sugar.

GRACIOUS: What do we do?

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ANGRY: (Entering with Whiney:) I suppose we're the ones to have to take him away.

WHINEY: Why is it always us?

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ANGRY: Shut up, Whiney, and let's get rid of this dangerous butterball.

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WHINEY: Shouldn't we just lift him?

ANGRY: Pull.

(Angry and Whiney pull Jack in opposite directions.)

Let's switch sides. © Henry W. Kimmel NOTE: Authorized producers of Goodness Gracious ONLY have permission to print and copy this play as necessary for production.

All other copying is prohibited.

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(Angry and Whiney switch sides, but still pull Jack in opposite directions.)

Let's try something less drastic. (Deep breath:) BOOOO!!!!!

(Jack gets up and runs off stage.)

JACK: &&(*(##*#**##_!@@.

WHINEY: What did he just say?

ANGRY: No tipping. But we'll take donations at the end of the show.

(Angry and Whiney exit, arms around each other.)

GRACIOUS: (To Little Red:) Do I have something from Starbucks? I thought I was supposed to bring Grandma a treat.

LITTLE RED: Trust me. This will be a treat.

GRACIOUS: You sure?

LITTLE RED: C'mon. Let's move to the edge of town.

GRACIOUS: I'm scared.

LITTLE RED: Scared?

GRACIOUS: I've never done things out of bounds before.

Whenever I'm given something to do, I always stay within the lines.

LITTLE RED: What if there aren't any lines?

GRACIOUS: Then I make lines I can stay within.

LITTLE RED: (Confessing:) I'm usually the same way.

GRACIOUS: Are you?

LITTLE RED: Even when they tell me to do it in my own way, I want to do it in the way that's already been done. Sometimes I think it would be more rebellious not to be rebellious. © Henry W. Kimmel NOTE: Authorized producers of Goodness Gracious ONLY have permission to print and copy this play as necessary for production.

All other copying is prohibited.

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(There is a sinister HOWL, followed by coarse LAUGHTER.)

GRACIOUS: (Turning away:) Maybe we should head back.

LITTLE RED: (Pulling Gracious back:) Remember, if you get in trouble, you've got one thing no one else has got.

GRACIOUS: This magic red cape?

LITTLE RED: Me. GRACIOUS: You? LITTLE RED: Each other.

GRACIOUS: Is that going to be enough?

LITTLE RED: Let's find out.

BIG BAD WOLF: Yo, Girls!

LITTLE RED: Not yet.

BIG BAD WOLF: Oh. GRACIOUS: Who's that?

BIG BAD WOLF: Some people call me the Big Bad Wolf, but they're not really being sensitive. I prefer to be called Larry, although my parents call me Lawrence even though my real first name is Daniel. But that's enough about me. What about you? Wanna be friends? Facebook friends.

LITTLE RED: Not yet, Larry.

BIG BAD WOLF: But I'm looking for friendship.

LITTLE RED: **$&$&#(&U@(#.

(BIG BAD WOLF moves away.)

GRACIOUS: Wow. You learned a lot from that fellow Jack.

LITTLE RED: I don't know what I just said, but, wow.

GRACIOUS: Should we get on with our story? © Henry W. Kimmel NOTE: Authorized producers of Goodness Gracious ONLY have permission to print and copy this play as necessary for production.

All other copying is prohibited.

Goodness Gracious

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LITTLE RED: Whiney. Angry.

WHINEY: Yeah.

ANGRY: WHAT?!!!

LITTLE RED: Move us to a better light.

WHINEY: Why can't the other dwarves move her to better light?

ANGRY: Shut up and move her to better light. Because a job is a just a job, and I'm not going to let it make me MAD!!!

(Angry and Whiney have trouble coordinating, but they move Little Red to a better light.)

GRACIOUS: What was wrong with the light over there?

LITTLE RED: Nothing. I wanted to show how much fun it is to have power over the world.

GRACIOUS: (Talking about Whiney and Angry:) What about their feelings?

(Whiney and Angry make pouty faces.)

LITTLE RED: Wow, I never thought about that, but now I feel bad.

GRACIOUS: Don't feel bad. I've got something to make them feel better.

(Gracious gives fun size bags of M&Ms to Angry and Whiney.)

ANGRY: (Hopeful:) A tip?

LITTLE RED: Fun size bags of M&Ms. GRACIOUS: Wow, you are like so nice.

WHINEY: (To himself:) Would be more fun if they were bigger.

(He may throw it out to the audience.)

GRACIOUS: C'mon, Red. Let's get on with the story. © Henry W. Kimmel NOTE: Authorized producers of Goodness Gracious ONLY have permission to print and copy this play as necessary for production.

All other copying is prohibited.

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LITTLE RED: Actually, this light is bad. But we'll move to another spot ourselves.

(The girls move to a different light as Red continues with story.)

One day Gracious's Mom asked Gracious to bring something to her grandma.

GRANDMA: COFFEE!!!!

MOTHER: I got you Maxwell House.

Decaffeinated.

Freeze dried.

GRANDMA: I don't want freeze-dried. I want a Mint Mocha Chip Frappuccino blended coffee with chocolate whipped cream.

LITTLE RED: (Continues with story:) So Mother ordered a Mint Mocha Chip...something from Starbucks...and had Gracious bring it to Grandma.

GRANDMA: With six packs of Sweet n' Low! MOTHER: Even though it's already loaded up with whipped cream?

GRANDMA: SWEETER!!!!

MOTHER: All right, all right. But don't complain to me about your diabetes.

GRANDMA: And don't complain to me about being a minor character in our story.

MOTHER: I'm not...

GRANDMA: SWEETER!!!

(Mother takes shovel and puts sweetener in the coffee.

GRANDMA exits.)

MOTHER: Gracious. Are you ready for your errand?

GRACIOUS: I'd really like to finish my book. © Henry W. Kimmel NOTE: Authorized producers of Goodness Gracious ONLY have permission to print and copy this play as necessary for production.

All other copying is prohibited.

Goodness Gracious

LITTLE RED: (Taking book:) She means yes.

(Mother approaches.)

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GRACIOUS: What about collecting recyclables?

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MOTHER: Take this to your grandmother. Do not go off the beaten track. Or pick flowers. Or talk to anyone from Fox News.

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MOTHER: I was never like this in middle school. Oh sure, I could sing the same Karen Carpenter song off key for three days straight, but that was only because we didn't have cell phones. When I wanted to communicate with my friends, we used innuendo.

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GRACIOUS: Innuendo?

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MOTHER: Just get back before it gets dark. Oh, wait.

GRACIOUS: Yes, Mother.

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MOTHER AND LITTLE RED: (Together:) Be aware of the Misunderstood Wolf.

GRACIOUS: The Misunderstood Wolf?

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MOTHER: Some people thought it was insensitive to refer to him as the Big Bad Wolf, and when we told him we meant it endearingly, he threatened legal action—even though we argued "bad" sometimes means "good" and "big" sometimes means "grandé."

GRACIOUS: So I should stay away from him because he's misunderstood?

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MOTHER: No. You should not stay away from him because he's ready to sue.

LITTLE RED: So Gracious set off on her adventure with nothing more than Grandma's treat and a cell phone that had unlimited minutes but terrible range. © Henry W. Kimmel NOTE: Authorized producers of Goodness Gracious ONLY have permission to print and copy this play as necessary for production.

All other copying is prohibited.

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GRACIOUS: Bummer.

LITTLE RED: As Gracious knelt to pick up something to recycle, she was approached by the Misunderstood Wolf.

MISUNDERSTOOD WOLF: Lawrence Wolf.

GRACIOUS: What a majestic name.

MISUNDERSTOOD WOLF: She's talking to me! talking to me!

She's

GRACIOUS: Of course I'm talking to you. You're talking to me.

LITTLE RED: Even though "Lawrence" felt ill-at-ease with people of all genders, he was comforted by Gracious's, well, gracious manner.

MISUNDERSTOOD WOLF: (Using Twitter:) I'm like chatting up this really cool, red-caped, well-flossed lassy, who, believe it or not, is not that sassy.

LITTLE RED: What are you doing?

MISUNDERSTOOD WOLF: (Still with Twitter:) This other doll is now coming on to me.

LITTLE RED: I'm not coming on to you. I'm telling you to get on with it.

MISUNDERSTOOD WOLF: Listen, man. The girls are flocking to me like I'm Michael Phelps in a Speedo—so excuse me while I help them live happily ever after, if you get what I mean, wink, wink.

(Little Red destroys his Twitter.)

LITTLE RED: No one wants to listen to you Twitter. Ever.

Trust me.

© Henry W. Kimmel NOTE: Authorized producers of Goodness Gracious ONLY have permission to print and copy this play as necessary for production.

All other copying is prohibited.

Goodness Gracious

23

MISUNDERSTOOD WOLF: Can we at least text message each other when it's late and our parents think we're asleep?

GRACIOUS: That's not a very good basis for a friendship, is it?

MISUNDERSTOOD WOLF: Then where does that leave us, cupcake?

GRACIOUS: You were telling me to pick some flowers.

MISUNDERSTOOD WOLF: The pollen will help your grandmother calm down. Even though she's allergic.

GRACIOUS: You are, like, so wonderful.

MISUNDERSTAND WOLF: What can I say—das sexy, das sexy.

GRACIOUS: Excuse me?

MISUNDERSTOOD WOLF: I'm going to run ahead and do more good deeds. So, excuse me, Peach, while I glorify the world.

LITTLE RED: So while Gracious picked flowers, Larry Wolf ran ahead to Grandma's house—though he got stuck in traffic at the downtown connector.

MISUNDERSTOOD WOLF: Good thing I've been taking anger management classes and I only cut four people off.

ANGRY: (Popping in:) So you were the one!!!

(Angry chases Misunderstood Wolf around the stage.)

MISUNDERSTOOD WOLF: Lawyer, lawyer. lawyer.

I want my

ANGRY: Get back here, you rascal.

MISUNDERSTOOD WOLF: (Stopping) I'm going to huff and puff, and blow your house down. © Henry W. Kimmel NOTE: Authorized producers of Goodness Gracious ONLY have permission to print and copy this play as necessary for production.

All other copying is prohibited.

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Henry W. Kimmel

(Misunderstood Wolf huffs and puffs toward Angry.)

ANGRY: Wow. Your breath is really...

(Angry faints.)

MISUNDERSTOOD WOLF: Whiney.

WHINEY: (Entering:) Comingggggg.

MISUNDERSTOOD WOLF: You can now take out the trash.

(Whiney drags Angry toward front of stage, toward audience.)

LITTLE RED: Other direction.

WHINEY: Oh. (Whiney drags Angry off stage in the correct direction. Exits.)

LITTLE RED: Misunderstood Wolf finally arrives Grandma's condo, and he approaches the security gate.

at

MISUNDERSTOOD WOLF: I'm going to huff and puff...

LITTLE RED: It's not locked. Open it.

MISUNDERSTOOD WOLF: I knew that.

LITTLE RED: Now what's wrong?

MISUNDERSTAND WOLF: I can't figure out which condo is hers.

LITTLE RED: Just look for the sign.

MISUNDERSTAND WOLF: Sign?

LITTLE RED: (Pointing:) There.

MISUNDERSTOOD WOLF: (Referring to a sign held by Whiney:) I can't read. What does that say?

(Sign says: "This way, Stupid" but Whiney says something different.)

WHINEY: "This way, Sweetheart." © Henry W. Kimmel NOTE: Authorized producers of Goodness Gracious ONLY have permission to print and copy this play as necessary for production.

All other copying is prohibited.

Goodness Gracious

25

MISUNDERSTOOD WOLF: I'm going to huff and puff...

WHINEY: Oh no.

MISUNDERSTOOD WOLF: Sniveling little pork chop (With a sinister LAUGH, Wolf proceeds as Whiney exits.)

LITTLE RED: Wolf reaches the front door of Grandma's house and knocks.

(Wolf KNOCKS softly.)

Louder!

MISUNDERSTOOD WOLF: I don't want to wake her up.

LITTLE RED: LOUDER! (Wolf obeys.)

GRANDMA: Who's there?

MISUNDERSTOOD WOLF: My Grandma, what a petrifying voice you have.

GRANDMA: From smoking too many Viceroys.

MISUNDERSTOOD WOLF: Will you please let me in?

GRANDMA: Get Lost!

MISUNDERSTOOD WOLF: You don't understand...

GRANDMA: No, you don't understand: magazines from undomesticated animals.

I don't buy

LITTLE RED: Misunderstood Wolf—lacking all forms of social grace—bangs down the door even though it was open and all he had to do was turn the handle.

MISUNDERSTOOD WOLF: Where is she?

GRANDMA: I'm right here, you jerk.

MISUNDERSTOOD WOLF: That hurt my feelings. © Henry W. Kimmel NOTE: Authorized producers of Goodness Gracious ONLY have permission to print and copy this play as necessary for production.

All other copying is prohibited.

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Henry W. Kimmel

GRANDMA: Come closer, and I'll hurt your feelings even more.

TR E

LITTLE RED: Misunderstood Wolf—feeling misunderstood— decided to forgo small talk and go right for the main course.

MISUNDERSTOOD WOLF: Main course?

EA

LITTLE RED: You're supposed to eat Grandma.

MISUNDERSTOOD WOLF: I can't.

TH

LITTLE RED: Why not?

Really, a

TH

MISUNDERSTOOD WOLF: I'm a vegetarian. vegan, but I eat butter and cheese.

LITTLE RED: Could you put her in the closet or something?

U

GRANDMA: I'll sue you for false imprisonment.

S

LITTLE RED: Grandma.

YO

MISUNDERSTOOD WOLF: Maybe I will eat her—to get her to shut up.

YT E

GRANDMA: What do you want, imp?

B

LITTLE RED: This is my first time telling this story, and I'm wondering if you could help me out by going to the closet yourself.

TO

GRANDMA: Why should I help you out?

LITTLE RED: I'm a friend of Gracious.

IS

SU

ED

GRANDMA: I thought Gracious didn't have any friends. At least friends she could talk to.

LITTLE RED: She has me.

GRANDMA: How do I know you're real?

LITTLE RED: Go to the closet and I'll show you.

GRANDMA: And what do I get from you? © Henry W. Kimmel NOTE: Authorized producers of Goodness Gracious ONLY have permission to print and copy this play as necessary for production.

All other copying is prohibited.

Goodness Gracious

27

(Little Red leads Grandma to the closet.)

LITTLE RED: Chocolate kisses.

(Little Red gives chocolate to Grandma.)

GRANDMA: All right. But in my version of the story, Grandma has the right to bear arms.

(Grandma goes to the closet.)

LITTLE RED: Now go dress up as Grandma.

MISUNDERSTOOD WOLF: Isn't that ridiculous—for a man to dress as a woman?

LITTLE RED: Just do it to get a good grade.

MISUNDERSTOOD WOLF: I don't know.

LITTLE RED: Now what's wrong?

MISUNDERSTOOD WOLF: Her clothes, they smell like cigarettes. Unfiltered.

LITTLE RED: I'm giving you an order!

MISUNDERSTOOD WOLF: You don't have to be mean to me.

LITTLE RED: I'm not being mean.

MISUNDERSTOOD WOLF: You're being mean.

LITTLE RED: Aaarrggh.

MISUNDERSTOOD WOLF: Okay, okay.

LITTLE RED: So while the Wolf was at Grandma's, Gracious picked some flowers. Along the way, she met the Huntsman.

GRACIOUS: That's not a Huntsman. That's a woman playing a man playing a woman playing a man.

LITTLE RED: I'm doing the best I can with what I've got. © Henry W. Kimmel NOTE: Authorized producers of Goodness Gracious ONLY have permission to print and copy this play as necessary for production.

All other copying is prohibited.

28

Henry W. Kimmel

GRACIOUS: I think you're doing fantastic.

LITTLE RED: Do you?

GRACIOUS: This is the most fun I've had...well, ever.

LITTLE RED: Me, too.

GRACIOUS: I liked the story the old way, but to be caught up in the middle of the action…

LITTLE RED: And to do it our own way...

GRACIOUS: Do you want to go to the mall and check out the new Apple store?

LITTLE RED: That would be, like, fun.

GRACIOUS: And then we could go to Vera Bradley, and, you know, act like it's not a big deal.

HUNTSMAN: Excuse me.

GRACIOUS: Do you want to come to the mall with us?

HUNTSMAN: I'm supposed to give you the magic word.

GRACIOUS: The Magic Word?

HUNTSMAN: A word so powerful it will get you out of any jam.

GRACIOUS: Can you tell me this magic word?

HUNTSMAN: No.

GRACIOUS: (Understanding what he meant:) Okay.

HUNTSMAN: That's the word, "no"!

GRACIOUS: I got it.

HUNTSMAN: I asked you if you knew the word, and you said no, and No is the word! Isn't that clever?

GRACIOUS: (Walking away:) No.

© Henry W. Kimmel NOTE: Authorized producers of Goodness Gracious ONLY have permission to print and copy this play as necessary for production.

All other copying is prohibited.

Goodness Gracious

29

HUNTSMAN: (Chasing:) Don't forget to include me in the final version of the story.

LITTLE RED: Gracious finally arrives at Grandma's— changing for the bus at Lindbergh and getting delayed when the machine wouldn't take her cash. On the bus, she was offered a seat by Prince Charming—but she chose to stand because someone was sprawled out asleep.

PRINCE CHARMING: I shall give her a kiss, and she'll awake from her deep slumber.

SLEEPING BEAUTY: Listen, zit face, I'll awake from the slumber myself.

PRINCE CHARMING: But my kiss is magical.

SLEEPING BEAUTY: That's what they all say. But I know better, thanks to Gracious who signed up for peer-to-peer counseling.

(Sleeping Beauty shakes Gracious's hand and walks off.)

LITTLE RED: Gracious knocks on the door.

GRACIOUS: I thought the door was knocked down.

LITTLE RED: Just enter the house.

MISUNDERSTOOD WOLF: Come in, Gracious, my sweet little melon.

GRACIOUS: Wow, Grandma. you have.

What a bad German accent

MISUNDERSTOOD WOLF: It's my allergies. But I see you brought me something from Starbuck's. Why don't you come close so I can devour you with affection?

GRACIOUS: Wow, Grandma. What a lame Facebook page you have.

© Henry W. Kimmel NOTE: Authorized producers of Goodness Gracious ONLY have permission to print and copy this play as necessary for production.

All other copying is prohibited.

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Henry W. Kimmel

MISUNDERSTOOD WOLF: All right, I know it's lame. But my parents look at it every night, and I've got to watch what I say.

GRACIOUS: And your teeth, my goodness, when was the last time you flossed?

MISUNDERSTOOD WOLF: The day before I went to the dentist.

GRANDMA: You idiot. You're supposed to say the better to eat you with.

MISUNDERSTOOD WOLF: But eating her would be like eating veal.

GRANDMA: Give me that coffee.

(Grandma, brandishing a pistol, chases Wolf. Grandma finally catches Wolf, twists his arm and takes coffee, saying "Ah Frappuccino.")

MISUNDERSTOOD WOLF: (Collapsing:) My, Grandma.

What big muscles [or "pecs"] you have.

GRANDMA: The better to empower myself as a female.

GRACIOUS: Grandma, this isn't coffee. It's Human Growth Hormone, an anabolic steroid.

GRANDMA: I admit I've been taking this—but not since I was traded to the Yankees.

HUNTSMAN: I've come to the rescue.

GRANDMA: A little late, don't you think?

HUNTSMAN: Better late than never.

GRANDMA: No, in your case never would've been better than late.

HUNTSMAN: I still get paid, don't I? © Henry W. Kimmel NOTE: Authorized producers of Goodness Gracious ONLY have permission to print and copy this play as necessary for production.

All other copying is prohibited.

Goodness Gracious

ANGRY: No!!! If I'm not getting paid, YOU'RE not getting paid!!!

HUNTSMAN: Understood.

That's why I

TR E

MISUNDERSTOOD WOLF: Misunderstood. always come across as the bad guy.

EA

ANGRY: There he is!!! Pounce on him.

MISUNDERSTOOD WOLF: Lawyer. Where is my lawyer?

TH

(Misunderstood Wolf exits.)

U

TH

LITTLE RED: And they all lived happily ever after—except for Cinderella who still has to learn beauty is only skin deep— and Sleeping Beauty who still has to learn to get at least nine hours' sleep on a school night.

YO

GRACIOUS: Is this how the story happens?

LITTLE RED: It is for me.

S

GRACIOUS: And what about me?

YT E

LITTLE RED: You're free to tell the story in your own way.

GRACIOUS: Am I?

B

LITTLE RED: As long as you let me be a part of it.

TO

GRACIOUS: Are we friends?

LITTLE RED: Are we?

ED

GRACIOUS: You did lend me your cape.

SU

IS

31

LITTLE RED: I didn't lend it to you—you can keep it.

GRACIOUS: Really?

LITTLE RED: I've got plenty more—from the same people telling the same story over and over again.

GRACIOUS: I liked your story better than mine. © Henry W. Kimmel NOTE: Authorized producers of Goodness Gracious ONLY have permission to print and copy this play as necessary for production.

All other copying is prohibited.

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Henry W. Kimmel

LITTLE RED: Did you?

GRACIOUS: Except for maybe Jack the Flack.

LITTLE RED: Next time we can leave him out.

GRACIOUS: Really?

LITTLE RED: Whatever.

GRACIOUS: Can you tell it to us again?

LITTLE RED: This time you're on your own.

GRACIOUS: You can't stay?

LITTLE RED: No. GRACIOUS: Is it something I said—or didn't say—or said but in the wrong way?

LITTLE RED: No, I've got to go to class, but it looks like Leslie has something to say.

(LESLIE enters.)

LESLIE: (Entering:) Hey, Gracious. Do you want to work on the English project together? We're supposed to take a fairy tale and turn it into something new. Everyone wants you to be part of our group.

GRACIOUS: Is this, like, a party?

LESLIE: It's better than a party because we can bring along anyone we want.

GRACIOUS: Whiney and Angry?

LESLIE: They're absolutely adorable.

ANGRY: Aw, gee, I was going for adorable.

LESLIE: Do you want to bring along anyone else?

GRACIOUS: What about Sandra? © Henry W. Kimmel NOTE: Authorized producers of Goodness Gracious ONLY have permission to print and copy this play as necessary for production.

All other copying is prohibited.

Goodness Gracious

33

LESLIE: She's going to bring something from Starbuck's, and then we're going to meet in the enchanted forest, which is really just a conference room in the library...but don't tell anyone.

GRACIOUS: Wow, this is turning out to be quite a day.

LESLIE: Ready?

GRACIOUS: Let's go.

MONKEY (NIKITA): Wait. Isn't there one more thing you're supposed to say?

GRACIOUS: What?

ALL THE STUFFED ANIMALS: The End!

© Henry W. Kimmel NOTE: Authorized producers of Goodness Gracious ONLY have permission to print and copy this play as necessary for production.

All other copying is prohibited.