Wisdom From The Mom Life Streets: Breakdown to Breakthrough

BREAKDOWN TO BREAKTHROUGH The 31-Day Devotional Series

About Kristen Kristen L. Pope is an Award-Winning Journalist, TV In addition to a love for media, Kristen has a Host, sought-after Speaker, and CEO of Pope passionate heart for women. That fire lead her to Productions. create, "The King's Daughters, Inc" in 2008 - a community for women to anchor their identity in Kristen won a documentary award from the New Christ and grow through personal development.

York Association of Black Journalists; A Women in Media Award and also been listed as a Woman to As an in-demand speaker and mistress of Watch. ceremony, Kristen is known for her natural wit including completing almost two dozen stand up Most recently, Kristen contributed as a on-air comedy performances in the Boston area where reporter to NBC Boston. she resides.

Kristen runs her own boutique media production company, “Pope Productions.” Pope Productions creates culture shaping content and serves as the incubator equipping the next generation of broadcast leaders.

Kristen's credits her greatest treasure as mom to her toddler Lily Leigh Pope. Most recently, Kristen founded Mom Life Streets - an authentic conversation in woman and motherhood. Kristen is authentic. She adds value to the room because she brings her full self and which gives everyone else the courage to do the same.

Pope created the flagship variety show, “The Positive Controversy with Kristen Pope," set to release it's second season this year. Through Pope Productions, Kristen has packaged her decade of When Kristen’s not working, she serves expertise as a television broadcaster in her recently organizations she loves and spending time with released first online course, the "On-Air Academy," her husband Richard and their daughter Lily.

- the go-to course to secure your next job on air!

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The Fight Is Not Yours

omewhere deep down inside, I believed the sun would shine again. I hoped that it would.

The cloud over my head was so big and so dark. It seemed no coincidence that the weather outside reflected my mental reality. Dark, gloomy, and cloudy. Honestly, I felt hopeless. David described it perfectly in Psalms 28:1, "I pray to you, O LORD, my rock. Do not turn a deaf ear to me. For if you are silent, I might as well give up and die."

Have you ever felt this way? In such a dark place that you couldn't see any light. In such a dark place, you didn't want to keep going? That's where I was.

The heaviness was a snowball of months of sadness, melancholy, darkness, torment, and terror. Around the time my daughter turned one, I started to have fearful thoughts for her safety and well being. I started to worry if she was going to be okay at her new school. I started to doubt that I had good intentions toward her. As these thoughts raged on, anxiety set. Every day became a battle of good and evil. Terrorizing thoughts clouding my brain making it harder and harder to see the light.

Then, I’ll never forget, I went to bed on October 4th in total darkness. The line of my journal entry that night said, "Lord, if you love me, help me." God heard my cry. On October 5th, I woke up to sunlight. Real sunlight breaking through the clouds. There was sunlight outside and sunlight in my heart. I felt peace, calm, and joy. My heart and soul were lighter. Lighter than they had been in months on their own. I felt God restore to me the joy I had lost.

I had clarity. Motivation. Fight. I had the strength to fight the devil off of me and out of my ear. This time it felt like I wasn't fighting alone. It felt like God was on my side– fighting with me.

It led me to this scripture in Psalms 28:7: “The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and he helps me. My heart leaps for joy, and with my song I praise him.”

No matter how dark life gets, know you’re not fighting alone. You have help. Cry out to God. He’s fighting with you.

DAY 2

Living vs. Existing It’s time for us to be open to the new things God is doing in our life—and go from existing to living.

H ave you ever been stuck in a rut?

One of the things I love about You know going about things the raising my toddler daughter Lily same way all the time. You don’t even is that every day is a new think about what you’re doing experience for her. And get this— anymore—the task ultimately she’s open to it. In fact, she’s becomes second nature to you. seeking out new experiences. Her days remain fresh, fun, and free.

The problem with that level of routine She’s open to the possibility. and comfort, is that you’re no longer living. You’re just existing.

Lily lives by this scripture: Isaiah 43:19 that says, "See, I am doing a See, living is when you take a deep new thing"! Now it springs up; do breath–in and out. Living is when you you not perceive it? It’s time for recognize the dew on green grass. us to be open to the new things God is doing in our life—and go Living is when you take a different from existing to living.” route to work and it requires you to pay attention to the signs. Living is Are you living or existing. I being present. It’s being aware, active, challenge you to open yourself up and alert. Living is not just going to God doing a new thing in your through the motions. life. I believe that once you do, you’ll begin to see that new thing spring up.

This particular Sunday evening, I came home with food, ready to feed my family. Our sweet Lily had a piece of cookie in her mouth and was getting ready to add another piece.

That's when her Dad and I gently took it away from her.

That’s also when the drama erupted. Lily threw an epic toddler fit. She started falling out, crying, and trying to get back the piece of cookie we had taken away. She was having a full blown melt down.

What Lily didn't know was that we were taking away the small piece of cookie in order to give her a five course dinner! She had no idea that we were taking away her piece of cookie to give her something so much better. So much better!

Lily was probably thinking, this piece of cookie is as good as it gets. This is the best I'll ever have. If I don't eat this, I won't know if something else will be offered to me. Her trust was completely in the cookie and not in her source– her parents.

The truth is, I know Lily's pain all too well.

Don't you? I've been in a situation where the job, the man, or the circumstance I was in was as good as I thought it could get. I didn't trust that God could or would deliver something greater. I was holding on so tight to what I thought was a good thing. Meanwhile, God was desperately trying to deliver something better to me--and I had no room to receive it.

Whether God was preparing me for better or preparing better for me, He had me in mind and He had better on the way. All I had to do was trust Him and His timing.

What are you holding on to that God wants you to let go in order to give you His better?

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

- Jeremiah 29:11.

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DAY 3

Trust His Timing

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Find Your Joy

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n ordinary night with Lily reminded me that joy is found in all of life's ordinary moments. Richard took Lily to Target and handed her one of her favorite fruits, a banana. He said she cracked up laughing and couldn't stop. He said she was giddy just to hold it. Later while they were still in Target, Richard said he handed her a ball. He said she had that same reaction. Pure joy and excitement.

When the two made it home, we sat down for dinner as a family. Lily was asking for the bottle of barbecue sauce on the table. Richard handed it to her and I got to see the reaction he was talking about. Lily was beside herself happy! She was laughing and giggling. She was so tickled. She found joy in each little moment. And while those moments may have been big to Lily, they were little in the big scheme of life.

These little moments reminded me that real joy is found in the little moments. It's found in the birds chirping, sweet smelling roses and of course a baby's giggle.

But if we're too busy looking for joy in the new job, or the relationship we so desperately want to be in, or the new car, new shoes, big public social media announcement--we'll miss out on every day joy.

Here’s the thing. The enemy is after our joy. If he can get us to be distracted and discontent, then he can get us to miss the moments of joy that are happening all around us and all the time.

Nehemiah 8:10 says, in part, "for the joy of the Lord is your strength."

We need our joy to live this life and to be equipped to fight the battles that present themselves every day. Take some time to reflect on the places ordinary moment filled with joy.

DAY 5

Dealing with Rejection Rejection from people we love hurts. But it teaches us to not take things personal.

Around 12 to 15 months my daughter

Lily made it very clear that she prefers her Dad. I've gone to hug her while her Dad is holding her, but she intentionally pulls away. At times when her Dad leaves the room, she cries, even though I'm still there. I'll be honest. Initially, it bothered me. It even hurt a little. The baby that I carried for almost 10 months, gave birth to, nursed, and sacrificed my body for flat out rejected me. It's like the ultimate slap in the face. Especially because my love runs so deep for Lily. It's unconditional. Yet and still there are times when I am down right invisible to her.

That's when it hit me. Is this how we treat God? Even though He sent His only son to die on the cross for us, take care of us, provide for us, and love us unconditionally, we still reject Him. We reject His promptings to spend time with us. We reject His covering and protection and we do our own thing. We make time for everything else but God. And yet, He still pours out favor, mercy, grace, and love.

Being a mother and parent has taught me the true meaning of dying to myself, loving beyond myself, and loving unconditionally. As a parent, you put your pride, ego, feelings, and emotions aside to provide care, security, and love to someone else.

At the beginning you're doing it for someone you technically just met.

Rejection from people we love hurts.

But it teaches us to not take things personal.

It teaches us that the way people treat us has nothing to do with us. It teaches us that we can only control our response. It teaches us that we can't control other people's behavior.

And it teaches us that our hope should never be in people. It should always be in God. (Jeremiah 17:5-8) Where is your hope?

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DAY 6

Around the time Lily was 16 months old, my husband and I were both unemployed. I had finished an assignment reporting for a local tv news station right before Lily turned one year old. My husband, Richard, had been laid off from his job just a few months later.

Simultaneously, I was building my business, but it wasn’t generating enough income to cover our monthly household bills.

I prayed for our family every day that Richard and I would both get jobs.

I listened to sermons, studied the Bible, prayed with friends, received prophetic words, but still no breakthrough.

At times, I felt pretty hopeless. I remember driving home from a friend’s birthday party thinking, “all hope was lost.” Asking God, “how am I supposed to encourage other people if I can’t encourage myself?”

How can I give hope I don’t have?

Then, I remembered this scripture: “Even when there was no reason for hope, Abraham kept hoping —believing that he would become the father of many nations. For God had said to him, “That’s how many descendants you will have!” Romans 4:18 NLT In the Bible, Abraham was 100 years old and still believed by faith that this promise would come true. And not only that, but that his 90-year-old bride would give him children. Now I was no spring chicken when I gave birth to Lily, but I certainly wasn’t 90! And I can say for sure that I am not trying to have a baby at 90.

But it’s in this scenario that God was truly glorified.

The passage goes on to say:

The Truth About Hope

""Abraham never wavered in believing God’s promise. In fact, his faith grew stronger, and in this he brought glory to God. He was fully convinced that God is able to do whatever he promises. And because of Abraham’s faith, God counted him as righteous. And when God counted him as righteous, it wasn’t just for Abraham’s benefit. It was recorded for our benefit, too, assuring us that God will also count us as righteous if we believe in him, the one who raised Jesus our Lord from the dead.”Romans 4:20-24 NLT This is often what hope looks like. A belief that the same God who raised Jesus from the dead will also bless you, even when the situation you’re in looks impossible. Richard and I did both eventually land jobs. God is faithful, even when we don’t understand how it will work out.

DAY 8

"I'm Not Okay" Have you ever seen someone in passing and said, the obligatory, "Hi, how are you doing?" They say it back, but did either of you really waited to hear the answer?

Or maybe you asked someone how they were doing, yet you already assumed in your head the answer would be, "I'm doing well?"

In John 5:1-9, Jesus went to the pool at Bethesda where people went to get healed. He saw one man who had been afflicted with a condition for years. He asked that man if he wanted to be healed.

The man never answered, "yes." Instead he told Jesus, the almighty God, of his limitations. He told Jesus that he had no Let's be honest. Sometimes, when we ask one to put him into the pool when the this question we are either too preoccupied water was stirred up. He said whenever to actually wait for the answer and we're he wanted to get in someone always not prepared to slow down and listen if stepped in front of him. someone actually said, "I'm not doing well.

In fact I'm doing awful."

I wonder if Jesus was like, bruh, I didn't ask you about whether or not you had I can attest to this. someone to put you in the pool. I asked you if you wanted to be healed. He gave Honestly, in my darkest moments there Jesus a whole bunch of excuses as to why were so many times I smiled and said, "I'm he couldn't be healed and most of it was doing fine," to keep up an appearance, to in his mind. not weigh anyone down with my issues and to keep it moving. When the truth was, I When someone does stop to really "see" was doing awful. I was so low and in such a us in our fractured condition, this is our dark, fragile, and lonely place. At times, I opportunity to take that step of faith to actually hoped someone could see through seek healing. That's what Jesus was me and see the truth–that I was suffering. asking of him. Whether he had the faith Eventually some people did, and I broke. to be healed. Up until that point, the man The thin exterior I was holding onto to save didn't. face, cracked in half and I was able to be vulnerable and say, "I'm not okay."

God sees us in our fractured state. He cares about us. He comes to see about us Those three words are so powerful. They and when He does, He needs us to take allow someone to see inside the hurt and that step of faith toward Him to receive brokenness you may be experiencing. If healing. we're honest it's pride that keeps us from being completely honest. Pride says, "What What are you going through today? will they think? How will they react? What Where do you need healing? Take one will they tell everyone?" We go through a step of faith toward God and watch Him round of internal questioning. meet you there.

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Don't Suffer in Silence

T

he thing about postpartum depression and anxiety is that you never know when it’s going to hit you.

You could be going about your life. Navigating the day to day challenges and blessings that come your way. Loving your family, liking your job, planning your life and then BAM! All of a sudden, everything light goes dark. What was once easy becomes hard. A clear path becomes confusing. Happy voices in your head become tormenting.

That’s what happened to me shortly after Lily turned one year old. I became plagued with fear, anxiety, worry, and torment. My mind was plagued with worried thoughts about Lily’s safety and well being. I began to see the world as one big danger zone waiting to swallow up my baby girl. The thoughts went from a few to many thoughts to overwhelming thoughts to completely paralyzing thoughts.

The thoughts increased and intensified as my husband Richard and I were making the decision to transfer Lily from her infant class to a toddler class in a new school.

Lily had grown to be the eldest child in her infant class. Her best buddy who was a couple months older, had moved to the toddler class.

As parents, Richard and I knew that we had to advocate for our daughter and her best interest. We made the decision to move her from one school to another. With each day that passed, and we grew closer to Lily’s first day in a new school, my heart filled with more anxiety. I feared that we were sending her into the lion's den with a bunch of older kids who would maul my baby to death. The fright and terror I was experiencing was awful and far overreaching for the situation that we were facing. Yet, I couldn't get the thoughts and feelings under control.

I'm a naturally motivated person. A natural self-starter, but I couldn't seem to get motivated. I had difficulty finishing simple tasks and, some days, I could barely get out of bed.

I prayed, read affirmations, spoke confessions, practiced meditation, but nothing was working. I knew I needed more help. At the recommendation of a friend, I started seeing a therapist. She helped me get to the bottom of my issue and the root of my triggers.

You never know what will trigger postpartum anxiety and depression symptoms. For me it was past trauma and my last work environment that was extremely toxic.

Pray AND talk to a professional counselor if you need to.

My only way forward was to find ways to navigate these inexplicable, most of the time insensible thoughts and feelings. Sometimes the navigation was day by day.

Sometimes, it was moment by moment. I was in a battle for my sanity and I was determined to win.

Winning looks different for everyone. For some it's getting out of bed. For some it's getting dressed. For some it's just getting through the day. Today, I know that winning looks like putting one foot in front of the other when you feel like giving up.

If you have ever experienced or are experiencing postpartum depression and anxiety, I encourage you, don't suffer in silence. Don't suffer alone. Pray AND talk to a professional counselor if you need to. Whatever you do, don't give up. Someone is waiting for you to make it so that they can have hope that they too can make it.

This scripture encouraged me in the midst of my storm:Â When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, Â they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. Isaiah 43:2

Don't Give Up!

Right around the time that Lily turned one, my contract assignment with the television station I was working for ended. It was a great opportunity, but it was temporary.

There was no guarantee that it would be extended or renewed. That didn't stop me from jumping all in, with both feet, and giving it my all.

We'd been through a time when my husband and I were out of work earlier in our marriage. We saw God bring us through.

We saw God open doors and we saw God provide in divine ways.

In every challenge and struggle, there's always the temptation to quit, give up, and The job was also very stressful. To be throw in the towel. Except for this time, we honest, when it assignment ended, a big have Lily. We literally couldn’t give up, part of me was relieved. because we have someone depending on us But, another part was torn, because just as I for all of her needs. felt I was starting to get up to speed to the company's expectations the job ended. I In all honesty, that doesn't always make could only trust God that His purpose for endurance easier. Sometimes, it makes it me at that station was complete. harder, because you feel the weight of another person leaning on you. I always pray A few months after my assignment ended, for my husband, because I know he feels the my husband was laid off from his job. weight of his entire family leaning on him.

Richard works in finance and things weren't going well at his firm. He began to In these situations I’m reminded to see the writing on the wall. However, it was surrender my burdens to God and remind made official when his boss called him in ourselves that we belong to God. We're His and gave him the news. children and we can trust Him to provide for us. Most times, it's when we've come to the This would have been the perfect time to end of ourselves that God shows up strong. get scared. The perfect time to allow fear to It's when we've exhausted all of our take over both of us. However, we had been resources that God does the incredible. It's here before. when we've stopped relying on our methods . and begin to truly walk by faith that God

These are the times we need to have a flashback to what God has done for us in the past. We need to flashback to how God has delivered us from the depths of despair and disaster. He's never left us nor forsaken us. He's always shown up right when we needed Him. And throughout the process, He's building our endurance for the next level of life.

What process are you in? Do you feel like giving up? DON'T! This is simply a training ground for the next level. Victory is won in the boxing ring, not on the sidelines. It's won through perseverance, endurance, a won't quit attitude. Keep going. Your time is near. God is preparing you!

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DAY 11

There came a point in my job search where it seemed like every door was closed. By every door, I mean every door I was trying to pry open.

I'm a television news journalist. When my last assignment ended, naturally I went looking for another opportunity. I knocked on door after door. Sometimes, I'd get a return call, and an interview, but no job.

Up until this point, I hadn't had an agent for my career journey that started in television news market 165 out of 210 to the top 10 market. It had been God’s grace and favor that continued promoting me. He lead and guided me from place to place. God worked through people who may have known someone, referred me for the job, or opened a door for me. Then, one day the doors closed and they wouldn't open.

It became a dark time that left me feeling lost.

I asked myself, “God do you still want me to work in journalism? Is my assignment over? Do you want me to move on?”

During this time, I started working on an idea that I had for a while. An online program to help aspiring journalists break-into a career in media on-air. It was during this time that postpartum depression set in heavy.

I also wanted to write a devotional about some of what I was experiencing as a mom and a woman. I began working on that too.

And lastly, I connected with a couple major networks about picking up my online talk show. Sounds like a lot of good stuff right?

God was closing one chapter of my life to make room for another. Initially I had a very hard time receiving it. I was in an uncomfortable transition.

Let's Talk Transition

This is the thing about transition.

Typically, God is leads you into new territory and we may be resistant to the change because it’s A) not what we had planned; b) not when we had planned; c) and we don’t fully understand. But I tell you the truth-- God is so faithful. In every transition God has led me to and through, He has always brought me out into a better place than I was in or started.

But we just have to trust His leading and that's the hard part.

What transition are you in right now? You may not see where you’re going or understand why and how long it’s going to take, but you can trust the one who’s walking with you leading the way.

18 “Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. 19 See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.Isaiah 43:18-19

DAY 12

You Are Worthy M y name is Kristen L. Pope and I God qualified you for the life you're living and the life you desire. It's time for us to believe Him.

used to self-sabotage.

It's a hard admission to make, and at the same time, it's deeply freeing.

Since overcoming years of shame, I'm a huge advocate for confession.

James 5:16 says, "Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The earnest prayer of a righteous person has great power and produces wonderful results."

Confession also exposes the enemy. It takes the power of his hold on you away. It brings light to darkness and he is the Father of darkness.

I'm confessing this, because maybe I'm not the only one. But before I get you to confess, I'll expose me.

He chose us. He loves us. He saved us. He wants us. He wants us.

You may ask, how did you self-sabotage?

For many years, I didn't know that's what I was doing. I just thought at times, I received not so favorable results or a season would come to an end or people just didn't understand me.

Meanwhile, the common denominator was me.

One day, in the midst of my battle with postpartum depression, I couldn't stop having thoughts that my family was eventually going to leave me. That one day I would look up and they would be gone. Then the thoughts got worse. Not just that my family would be gone, but eventually my home, my extended family, everything would be gone.

When my job at a top ten market television news station ended, and I couldn't get another job, I eventually thought, "well of course I'm not getting the job. Who am I to think I could really ascend to higher heights in this business. I came in through the back door. I tricked everyone that I'm good, and now they all know and have put a ‘do not let her in’ sign on their door."

Sounds crazy, right? Well, that's because it is I even procrastinated to write this devotional entry, a form of self-sabotage. crazy.

These self defeatist thoughts have plagued me for The root of my self-sabotage stems from a feeling years. of worthlessness, never feeling good enough or Then one day, I stopped to really take a deep look that I measure up. The ironic thing is that I at why I have these thoughts. I didn't want them created an entire ministry (The King's Daughters, Inc.) that's all about seeing our identity through to continue. I wanted them to stop. Instantly, I Jesus Christ. To see ourselves in the full love that got the download I needed from the Lord.

That's why it's so important to ask for wisdom. He bestows on us. To see ourselves as the chosen James 1:5 says, " If any of you lacks wisdom, you ones and who we are according to John 15:16: "You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you." you so that you might go and bear fruit—fruit that will last—and so that whatever you ask in my name the Father will give you."

God revealed to me that I self-sabotage. I annihilate my success before it even gets off the I had to admit that somewhere along the way, ground. I disqualify myself from any real unworthiness was deposited in my heart and took happiness. I sit around waiting for the other shoe root. It impacted and infected my thoughts and to drop. Pretty sad, but true. shaped the way I viewed myself and my situation.

After I got this holy download, I started googling Self-sabotage is so subtle and sneaky. On one self-sabotage. It led me to an article entitled "Whyhand it can be seen as humility. It's not. It's a false Do We Self-Sabotage" on Psychology Today. I reality that has the devil's name written all over it. read through the article, and unfortunately, I Because if we could ever truly fix our hearts and checked all of the boxes. minds on the way God sees us, we would be unstoppable.

The reasons listed: 1) self-worth: I feel undeserving of success and We never have to question our worth to God. He happiness; sent His whole son to die on a cross for us. John 2) control: I'd rather control my failure than have 3:16 says, "For God so loved the world..." Let's pause there for a second. The scripture is it sneak up on me; 3) perceived fraudulence: the imposter syndrome. describing just how much He loves us. He loves us so much that.. let's continue, "that he gave his one Fear of being called out as a fake. and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall 4) handy scapegoat: looking for something or not perish, but have eternal life." someone to blame; 5) familiarity: comfort in consistency even if it's He chose us. He loves us. He saved us. He wants failure; us. He wants us to be successful so that He can get 6) boredom: sabotage to shake things up. the glory from our lives. See John 15:16 above.

God included us in His mighty plan, because He loves us. He wants to be in relationship with us.

If you are a person who self-sabotages, here's the good news: God is calling you to Him. He's chasing after you. He wants you to see yourself the way He sees you, in His image the way He made you.

Genesis 1:27 says, "So God created human beings in his own image. In the image of God he created them; male and female he created them."

You are worthy. Colossians 1:12 says, "and giving joyful thanks to the Father, who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of his holy people in the kingdom of light."

God qualified you for the life you're living and the life you desire. It's time for us to believe Him.

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DAY 13

"Prepare the child for the path, not the path for the child.” - Native American Proverb I remember reading this quote and thinking, that's the complete opposite of how I'm raising Lily. When she was learning how to walk, my goal was to clear the way for her. My goal was to make sure that anything standing in her way was moved. I wanted to move all obstacles, all landmines, all roadblocks out of her way.

Then, I read this quote and thought, whoa...you mean I'm supposed to leave all of those things in her path? What I'm actually supposed to do is prepare HER or rather equip her to walk through obstacles?

It may sound sensible, but being on the parent side, it's much easier said than done. My natural instinct is to protect my child from anything dangerous or potentially harmful. If my child walks through a scenario where she bumps her head, falls and hurts herself or gets injured in a situation where I could have prevented it, mom guilt sets in ferociously.

I begin battling thoughts of defeat, hurt, anger, but mostly, shame, guilt and feeling like I'm the worst mom on earth, because I didn't protect my child from the dangers of this world.

To bring context, I attribute some of my way of thinking to postpartum depression and anxiety.Not all of it, but some.

Have you ever driven past a location with heavy police presence and see the tape that says, "Police line. Do Not Cross?" Or been to the doctor's office and there are containers with signs that say, "Dangerous. Toxic." When Lily was born, that's exactly how I began to see the world as one big danger zone. Honestly, it was a trick of the enemy trying to keep me paralyzed in fear.

Parenting with Grace

Fear in parenthood is so sneaky, because on the outside one could justify it. With all that's going on in the world, it's hard not to fear for our children.

But the Bible tells us not to fear over and over again. And ultimately if we're in fear, we're not trusting God. My true heart is to raise my daughter Lily in the fear (reverence) of God. That's the only fear I want her to have. Otherwise, I want her to spread her wings and fly. What I don't want to do is clip them before she ever gets to use them. I don't want to break her spirit or keep her from fulfilling her full potential and walking in the fullness of her gifts.

That requires faith. The scripture says, "For we walk by faith, and not by sight." - 2 Corinthians 5:7 Unless we put our child in a bubble, which is not fruitful, there will be times when they will be without us. There will be times where they may end up in challenging situations. There may be times where the only person they can call on is Jesus to get them out of their situation.

Our job as parents, family, extended family, and village is to equip them. Our job is to give them the tools to best navigate and overcome whatever situation they're in.

That's what faith in action looks like. It looks like preparation for whatever life may bring. James 2:26 says, "For as the body without the spirit is dead, so faith without works is dead also." Faith provides us God's spiritual vision for the future. The works part is doing the preparation for that vision.

The last thing I want to do is hold on so tight that I suffocate the potential yet to be realized.

If you are struggling to surrender your child back to God, here's a couple scriptures to meditate on: “O LORD of hosts, if You will indeed look on the affliction of Your maidservant and remember me, and not forget Your maidservant, but will give Your maidservant a son, then I will give him to the LORD all the days of his life.”1 Samuel 1:11 “Children are a heritage from the Lord, offspring a reward from him. 4 Like arrows in the hands of a warrior are children born in one’s youth.5 Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them. They will not be put to shame when they contend with their opponents in court.” Psalm 127:3-5

DAY 14

Saying "No" To Fear

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In October of 2018, Lily, my husband and I took a trip to Miami, Florida to visit our families, especially my grandmother, Lily's great grandmother, who at the time was in the hospital. She'd been in and out of the hospital many times over the last couple of years. I felt it would be great to surprise her with a visit from Lily.

With the help of my mom, Lily and I flew into Miami and all three of us drove to the hospital.

I let my mom and Lily walk into my grandmother's room while I taped the whole surprise.

The best part was seeing my grandmother's eyes light up as she saw her toddler great granddaughter make her surprise entrance.

The surprise was the beginning of a very sweet trip. The trip was going great up until our last night in Miami. Lily was talking and playing with my Dad and my husband Richard. One thing led to the next, and Lily tripped over Richard's leg, fell, and hit her mouth on my parent's ceramic floor.

My sweet baby hollered out in pain and I came running from the kitchen to grab her up and see that her mouth was filled with blood. She had bust her lip and chipped her left tooth. It was an awful incident. The next couple of hours were spent, putting ice and A&D ointment on her lip. Getting her ready for bed and trying to get back to normal.

Getting back to normal was hardest for me.

For Lily it was easier. Within an hour, she was mainly back to herself. Dancing with my parents. Talking. Back to being her fun-loving self.

She proved yet again how resilient she is. One of the hallmarks of babies– resilience.

Resilience is defined as the capacity to recover quickly from difficulties; toughness.

That's Lily. She takes a licking and keeps on ticking, fast.

So why can't I? Honestly, that would take a lot to unpack. But I'll go with obvious answer.

Fear. Fear comes in and tells me, things are worse than they are. Fear spouts these lies that the damage that's been done is beyond repair. Fear plays the blame and guilt trip game.

Lily has none of those. She has no fear. She has no concept of damage and she knows nothing about blame or guilt.

God calls us to come to Him like little children (Matthew 18:3)--but it's very hard to do that with these blockers in the way. I encourage all of us to shed: fear, blame, shame, and guilt. They are not from God. 2 Timothy 1:7 says, “For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline.”

God has given you the tools that say, we are more than conquerors through Christ Jesus who strengthens us. (Romans 8:37) It's time to

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DAY 15

Do you want to be a mom? Do you want to be a wife?

Have you ever asked yourself those questions?

It would seem like a wise question to ask BEFORE you commit to both.

But, I found myself asking myself these questions almost eight years into marriage and a year and half into motherhood.

After months of postpartum anxiety and depression, I recognized parts of me were so paralyzed with fear and distortion. In order to continue the path of healing I had to recommit to both loving my husband in our marriage and motherhood.

Thankfully, my answer to both was yes.

Asking these questions was deeply helpful. No matter how anxious, depressed, or fearful I may have been, answering these questions forced me to make a decision on whether or not I wanted to be healed and whole.

If I wanted to still be a wife and mother, then I needed to check back in. I needed to be present. I needed to take my power back from the enemy.

The voice that kept telling me, “you’re unsafe. Your daughter is unsafe with you. You’re husband deserves better than you. You’re unworthy,” would no longer have power over me.

Jesus asked the lame man, “do you want to get well?” Healing begins with a choice. By faith, believe you can be made whole. (John 5) I ask you, are you ready to recommit? Are you ready to come out of darkness? Are you ready to be healed?

Let's Recommit

Every third Saturday of the month in the Fall, Winter, and Spring, I have a sorority chapter meeting. Typically that day, Lily and Richard enjoy a "Daddy Daughter Day."

Then, all of a sudden, I heard a low growl coming from the back seat. I paused to really tune into the sound. There it was again. A low rumble. It was Lily...snoring! She decided this was the perfect time to take a snooze. And you know what she was This particular Saturday at the last minute, right! There was nothing any of us could do about Richard decided that he and Lily would drop me the situation. So why not just rest. Especially me off at my chapter meeting, head to an activity in the passenger's seat. center and enjoy the day together. What began as just me having to figure out myself and get out of It was at that moment, I remembered a devotional the house on my own, turned into a family I'd just recently read entitled, "Enjoy Life Like a execution. Not a big deal, but an added layer of Child." The passage focused on living a life of stress. simplicity versus complexity. The light bulb of conviction went off.

This meant we needed to get Lily's diaper bag together, get her bundled up, make sure we I said, "God, I'm sorry for trippin.’ I know you've remembered all of her needs while Richard was got this covered. We need to be more like Lily in out, and get out of the house on time so that I this moment and just chill out." Almost as soon as could run my pre-meeting errands and still be on I prayed that prayer, the traffic opened up and we time. I'm out of breath just writing this. started to move at regular speed.

We got into the car and on our way, and hit stand All we had to do was surrender, trust, and rest. still traffic. It was actually unusual for the traffic Admit it. As adults, we tend to complicate and to be at a complete stop on the route we were overcomplicate things. Instead of waiting for the taking. I suggested to Richard that he take a traffic to resolve in five to ten minutes, I different route. He did, but it didn't help. We suggested we take another route which brought ended up back on the same road crawling to get us back to square one. SMH. past the traffic jam. The slower we took, the more Let's all take a lesson from Lily. When there's both Richard and I were losing patience and something you can't control--just rest. Trust getting frustrated. Frustrated with something we God's got it handled according to Romans 8:28: had no control over. All we could do was inch “And we know that all things work together for along and pray traffic finally opened up. good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.” .

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DAY 17

I could hardly wait until Thanksgiving Day 2018. I was so excited to celebrate. The year had been so challenging and painful that I was looking forward to reverencing a day of gratitude. I was also looking forward to marking another milestone with Lily. As she gets older and her understanding grows, it gets more and more exciting to create new memories together.

We spent the holiday with wonderful family friends.

They have hosted Thanksgiving at their home for years.

As our family continues to plant roots, spending holidays with local friends makes Massachusetts feel like home.

These particular friends had the most beautiful, kind, and kid friendly dog I had ever experienced. A labradoodle. Lily wouldn't leave this dog alone. She kept playing in his face, grabbing his tail, hitting him versus petting him and he was as patient as could be. They became fast friends. At one point, she was chasing him and then it happened. BAM! She ran smack into a rod iron dining room chair. I saw her across the room and my heart stopped.

My little mama, got up, didn't saw a word. She quickly located her Dad, ran to him as fast as her little 17month-old legs could carry her, and exploded into a blood curdling cry. I felt so bad for my sweet Lily. But I took joy in knowing, she knew exactly where to go.

Even in her pain, Lily didn't stumble around. She didn't go to a family friend. She didn't go to the dog. She ran to her Father. She ran to her refuge. She ran to her safe place.

It was literally the picture of what God wants us to do with Him. When we're hurting, when we're in trouble, when we're in pain, God wants us to run to Him. Not to social media, our friends, or the news. God wants us to run to Him. Psalm 46:1 says, “God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.

What pain are you experiencing right now? Whatever it is run to the Father. He's waiting with open arms to heal you.

Run To Him

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DAY 18

Growing up, I was a daddy's girl. I wanted to be where my dad was. I wanted to spend time with him. I wanted his affirmation and his love. Many times, I just wanted his presence. Knowing that he was nearby made my feel safe and secure. I knew that with my dad around, everything would be okay.

I see the same desire in Lily.

Typically whenever Lily and I are accomplishing a task in her, whether it's changing her diaper or getting dressed, the very next thing she wants to do is go to our master bedroom and find her dad.

She expects him to be laying in the bed on the left side.

Lily even has her own special way of greeting him. She walks out of her room and peeks around the corner.

Then she walks a couple of more steps to our bedroom and stops in the doorway. At the doorway she starts yelling, "hey! hey!" Richard responds with a hey! Then, Lily runs to his side of the bed, and says, "up!" Letting her dad know that she wants to be picked up. Richard picks up Lily and the rest is a love fest.

One night I got to see the full expression of this and it humbled me to my core.

Lily woke up in the middle of the night, as she sometimes does. I went to her room, where she was standing with her arms up, wanting for me to pick her up. I picked her up, took her to her rocking chair and tried to soothe her back to sleep. It wasn't working well.

She tossed and turned in my arms until I guess she had enough. She got down off of me and in the dark stumbled to our bedroom.

Even in her sleepy state, she did her normal routine.

She walked first to her door and stopped. Then she walked to our door, stopped and walked to her dad's side of the bed. Richard was knocked out asleep since it was the middle of the night. Lily tried to touch him to alert him that she was there. But she couldn't reach him. Instead, she stood next to him and laid her head on the mattress.

I get emotional just thinking about her actions.

She didn't cry for him to wake up. She didn't cry that she couldn't reach him. She didn't even cry that she was tired. She just needed to be in her dad's presence. She needed to be near him to gain peace and rest.

Run Back To Him

After a few seconds, I woke Richard up to let him know he had a visitor. As usual, he picked Lily up and laid her on top of him. Eventually she went back to sleep somewhere in between us.

Watching Lily, I see her humility to rest anywhere near her father, even if it meant standing. I see her determination–that even in the dark she would find him and get to him. I also saw her deep love for the man she now knows as her deep protector.

While having a hard time sleeping is not life and death for an adult, it may be a big thing in the world of a toddler. As a toddler, Lily did what she knew to do. She knew that if she could just get to her dad she could find rest for her soul. She didn't get distracted. She didn't explore another option. She went right to her source.

She inspired and humbled me deeply. What if we took that same kind of determination when it came to being in the presence of God, our source and creator.

How many times are you hurt, in need of some soul refueling, feeling lost or down, yet instead of going to God, you go to social media or to your friends or to television? When all that you need is in our Father's presence.

Trust me, I'm guilty. I've done it too. The problem is when we do that, we typically don't find rest. We end up more empty and destitute. God put that longing for him in our hearts.

Just like we have an eternal connection to our earthly parents, we have an eternal connection to our heavenly Father. When you have an issue, run to God. Run to his presence. Psalm 62: 5 says, "Let all that I am wait quietly before God, for my hope is in him." Other translations say, "rest in God." Today, recommit today to run to the presence of God and find your rest in Him only.

DAY 19

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Go Through The Fire

IIn the midst of postpartum depression, I had many dark days. Days where my thoughts were completely unhinged and flooded me endlessly. At times my anxiety would get so bad, I literally thought I was going to lose my mind. I would pray, asking God to stop. I would rebuke the thoughts and speak the word in place of them. The thoughts would go away for a short time and then come rumbling back.

In order for a diamond to become a brilliant and beautiful gem, it must go through the fire. Not around, not behind, not on top of, but through. It's through the fire, that we are transformed into God's more perfect image of us.

In the fire, God burns off all of the characteristics that don't look like him. He burns off the pride.

Pride that once caused us to care more about outward appearances than what you looked like on On one of my very dark days, I heard a small voice the inside. say, "I need you to go through it." The voice and the request stopped me dead in my tracks. I knew He burns off anger. Anger that causes you to lose that it wasn't a voice of terror or an anxious voice. your temper and hurt the ones you say you love.

The voice gave me peace and grounded me in my soul. It reminded me of the scripture in John 10:4 He burns off insecurities that cause you to question that says, "After he has gathered his own flock, he who you are and whose you are. walks ahead of them, and they follow him because He burns off and molds all of these and so much they know his voice." more. When God is done with us in the fire, we might be unrecognizable, because essentially we I know the voice that spoke to me was God. It was are new. We are not the old version of ourselves.

God comforting me with instructions. Instructions We are closer to the image of Christ and that's to get through this tough period and become the ultimately who and what we want to be. new version of the person He was creating me to be.

If you are in the fire right now, I encourage you to go through it. Don't try to shortcut the process.

Let me digress for a moment. Pastor Mark God has you there for a purpose and a season. At Batterson has a devotional called, "Draw the times, it can feel lonely. You may wonder, is anyone Circle." In the book, he has an entry called "Pray it going through this. The process and the season is Away." He goes on to talk about what our prayers not to punish you. It's to refine you. When the usually sound like when we're going through process is over, you will come out like a diamond, difficult and challenging times. I'm paraphrasing, shining like brand new, anchored in your faith, and but most of the time God isn't going to take the in Christ Jesus. Lean on God and His promises. challenge away.

“When you go through deep waters, I will be with In fact, He needs us to go through it. you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you It wasn't until I heard that voice tell me to go will not drown. When you walk through the fire of through it, that I fully understand why I God oppression, you will not be burned up; the flames wouldn't just take the depression and anxiety will not consume you.”Isaiah 43:2 away.

Pruning Season

You won't know if you can make it to the other side until you do.

For much of 2018, I was tormented. Tormented by voices. Voices that told me harm was going to come to my family. Most of the voices were directed toward Lily. Initially, the voices started out as one or two. Then, they grew from one or two voices to hundreds of thoughts all day. The thoughts turned from anxiety to full blown torment. It was overwhelming and paralyzing. I spent most of my days in fear, barely limping along. It was as if some evil spirit entered my mind and moved in to live.

What was even more troubling was that it happened all of the sudden. Like anyone, I have had fears and weird thoughts, but nothing like this. At times, the thoughts were so intense, I didn't know if I was going to make it out of that dark place.

Mark 2:22 says, "And no one puts new wine into old wineskins. For the wine would burst the wineskins, and the wine and the skins would both be lost. New wine calls for new wineskins."

It's sort of like spoiled fruit on a tree. It has the potential to spoil all of the new crop that's coming in. You have to get it out and uproot it so that it doesn't contaminate everything else.

When God wants to take us to a new level in Him, He prunes us of the stuff that clouds our spiritual eyesight and clogs our spiritual ears. The stuff that makes your heart hard and unavailable to him or anyone else. Those ugly traits can't stay.

Hate, racism, prejudice, unforgiveness, pride, a hardened heart--these things can't go into the promised land of your destiny with you.

Instead it's through those dark times that God is building your trust, your faith, your love, your contentment, and your dependence on him.

There were so many days I wondered why God kept waking me up. Thinking, “this is no way for Let’s be honest, it's in the dark times that we a person to live.” I honestly didn't feel like I was most cling and run to God. It's in those times living. I felt like I was dying. And truth be told, I where we go back to our source. It's in those times was. Some part of me died in order for something that we fall humbly to our knees begging for the new to be birthed out of me. things we once took for granted.

I've learned that when God wants to create a new you, He can't do it in your old mindset and your old ways. He has to get rid of old things in order to make room for the new.

I'm a living witness that you don't fully appreciate peace until you've lived through chaos. You don't fully appreciate light until you've lived through darkness. You don't fully appreciate joy until you've been overcome with sadness and you don't fully appreciate rest for your soul until you've been tormented.

What I do know for sure is that like everything, it only lasts for a season. I find hope in 1 Peter 1:6-7: “So be truly glad. There is wonderful joy ahead, even though you must endure many trials for a little while. These trials will show that your faith is genuine. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold—though your faith is far more precious than mere gold. So when your faith remains strong through many trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world.”

Hang in there. This season will only last a little while and when it's over, you will be an even more shining example of the power of Jesus Christ. Amen!

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The Beauty of Self Love

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s a mom, I find myself just staring at Lily. Simply admiring everything about her.

The way she was made. The way she moves. The decisions that she makes. I'm mostly in awe that this little person grew inside of me and is now here. A living, breathing human that is learning and living life here on planet earth. It's a miracle that never stops exploding. I just love everything about my Lily.

My admiration for Lily has also taught me that I can't love everything about her, and pick myself apart.

You see, for most of my life, I've been very hard on myself. Critical of just about everything. Asking myself am I smart enough? Am I pretty enough? Do I have the right clothes? Do I have enough connections? Why is my face so hairy? You get it. Just plain critical. I have all of these thoughts running through my head and then I do the worst thing I could do to emphasize my flaws. I open Instagram and look at the perfectly edited and filtered pictures and dive further into my critical hole.

Truth is, the process of being pregnant, giving birth, and raising a child is what has dug me out of that hole. I remember coming home from the hospital five days after Lily was born, looking at myself self fully unrecognizable. I was 40 pounds heavier than my norm, bloated, and swollen. I looked at myself in the mirror and heard a voice whisper, "be kind to the body that gave life." It was the sweetest affirmation I could have received and one I needed at that moment for the journey ahead. A journey that would include, breast feeding, healing from a c-section, losing weight, and evolving into the woman I was becoming.

This next chapter would not benefit from me picking myself apart. Nor would Lily.

How could I pour into Lily, yet tear myself to shreds? How could I encourage her, yet brow beat myself? How could I love on her, yet hate on myself?

I'm reminded of this scripture:30 “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’[a] 31 The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’[b] There is no commandment greater than these.”

Mark 12:30-31 This scripture implies that we are to love ourselves and that we can't love someone past how we love ourselves.Self love is not selfish. It's essential to our capacity to loving others. The more I accept, embrace, encourage, and love myself the better I am able to love Lily and those around me. Lily is a reflection of me as much as she is a reflection of God. When I can be gentle and love myself, I then have the tools, and the ability to love her. Thereby teaching her how to love and how to love herself. If you're like me (hard on yourself), don't be fooled and think that you are only critically harsh on yourself. Your words and gestures may unintentionally spill out to those around you--almost always those closest to you.You were made in the image of God. Fearfully and wonderfully made. Formed and shaped in your mother's womb. God took careful time and detail making you.

You're a gift from God.We're called to love Him, love others, and love ourselves.

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DAY 22

One of the places where you see the most growth in your toddler is when it's time to climb the stairs. You get to see them start to grasp the concept of taking bigger steps and wisdom to take one step at a time. The determination to keep their balance. It's exciting, yet scary at the same time. At least it was for me.

We have a big staircase in the center of our home.

Thankfully, they don't intimidate Lily at all! However, she still needs an adult to hold her hand as she goes up and down the stairs. We talk her through each step.

"One step at a time, Lily. You can do it! Keep facing forward." It's literally and figuratively a faith walk; Lily relies on adults to be her steady guide and anchor.

One night I wasn't such a good anchor. As Lily and I were walking down the stairs, instead of focusing on our steps, I looked to my left at the Christmas tree all lit up. At that moment, I got distracted and shifted my focus from Lily to the tree. I was no longer that steady anchor she needed to rely on and I felt her start to slip.

I grabbed her hand tighter and steadied both of us, in order to make it to the next step.

Thankfully, we both made it to the bottom of the stairs without issue.

In those few moments, however, I realized that when we get distracted, it's not only us who has the potential to lose focus; it's also the people connected to us. The people that we're in covenant relationship with. The people we have made commitments too. When we get distracted all of those people's focus, footing, and stability is at risk too. Whether you realize it or not, someone is depending on you. They are depending on you to keep steady, remain consistent, and stay focused in order for them to operate at their highest level. It may seem like a heavy responsibility. But if God put it in your hands, he trusts you and he's equipping you to win with it.

Defeating Distraction

Imagine with me...imagine that Jesus decided he no longer wanted to rise from the dead after being crucified.

That the battle was over and he would stay buried instead of being resurrected.

He would not have completed his mission and all of his disciples faith would have been crushed. Their mission would have been compromised, because Jesus didn't complete his mission.

It's the same with us. When we get distracted and take our eyes off of the goal, we compromise everyone connected to us; everyone depending on us to cross the finish line. That's not the legacy I want to leave, and I'm sure you don't either.

Ask yourself, what has you distracted now? What are you allowing in between you and the goal you're moving towards? Ask yourself who's destiny is at stake if you don't stay focused? "...When someone has been given much, much will be required in return; and when someone has been entrusted with much, even more will be required." Luke 12:48

23

His Plans Are Better

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or the past eight years, I worked in television news as a reporter and anchor. For almost a decade, I had the privilege of telling amazing stories of people from all different walks of life. I have been able to connect the dots of humanity within their story and bring it to life on television. It's been a humbling and noble opportunity.

In May of 2018, my contract assignment at a top 10 market television news station in Boston ended. The end was bittersweet. While the job was intensely stressful, I love the craft of what I do. However, continuing at the station was beyond my control. Shortly after the job ended, postpartum depression kicked in.

Once some of the heaviness started to lift, I began the process of reentering the workforce. Late in the second half of 2018, I started going on job interview after job interview. The saying, "when it rains, it pours" was fitting for that season. It was good to get back out there, own my expertise, and start having interview conversations.

The initial interviews went well. I always got called in for a second round. But after the second round, nothing. This kept happening. It just let me know, that particular opportunity wasn’t God’s plan.

Then, I came across what seemed like the next big step in my career. An anchor/reporter position at a television news station in Boston. I'll admit, when I saw the role, the Imposter Syndrome set in. I asked myself, “am I worthy of this role? Should I even try?”

But the deal is, you can't unsee what you've seen. I'd never forgive myself if I didn't at least try.

I decided to apply to the job. It took me three days to write a cover letter, overhaul my resume, draft a new newsreel, and solicit peer review from colleagues in the business that I look up to and respect. Finally, after three days, I submitted my application. I hit send and I put it out of my mind.

About two weeks later, to my surprise, I got a call to come in and interview for the position. I pushed everything aside to focus on that interview and be prepared. I went in knowing that this was the job for me.

I sat down and had a good, solid conversation with the hiring manager. He gave me the full scope of the job, and once I had all of the information, the painful realization set in that this was actually not the job for me. The job was for a weekend anchor role, who would also report a few days during the week. Which meant, I would be working the majority of the weekend (plus working on my off days to build my relationships in the community). Oh and by the way, the News Director wanted the person he hired in that role for the next five years.

All of a sudden, the confidence I had turned into question and uncertainty. I tried to convince myself that "I can do the job. It's a worthy sacrifice. This is the next big step." But it wasn't. I was not prepared to sacrifice my dedicated family time for a job that would consume my weekends for the next five years. I wasn't willing to work seven days a week, and I wasn't willing to give a significant amount of control of my image to my employer.

The "ideal" of what I thought wanted was crumbling–fast. The more I thought about things, I started to get angry with God. I asked Him, "why did you allow me to see this job and go on the interview if you didn't want me to have it?"

And God responded, "I needed you to know, this isn't what you really want."

Mic drop.

You know I marvel at the lengths to which God will go in order to accomplish His will in our lives. He'll let you get all the way into the job interview or the wedding engagement proposal, or college tour, just to show you, this is not what you want.

Proverbs 16:9 says, “A man’s heart plans his way, But the Lord directs his steps.”

Plainly put, God knows what's best, and He knows us best.

I won't lie, at first it wasn't easy to admit, that the anchor/reporter job was not the direction God was sending me in. However, accepting His will for me is where I found my peace. Surrendering my will to His is where I found clarity.

God told me in 2019, He would do more with my less. John 3:30 says, “He must increase, but I must decrease.”

Think of ourselves as a glass. God wants us to be more filled with Him, than us. He wants us to be more dependent on Him than we are on ourselves. Today, I fully trust God. I fully surrender to His plan for my life. I'm not afraid. I'm excited, because I know He will do as Ephesians 3:20 says, “Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us.”

Following my plan for my life equals my results. Following God's plan for my life equals His results.

I want God’s results. Which results do you want?

DAY 24

Don't Waiver

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We have an Alexa device in Lily’s room. We use For everyone who asks, receives. Everyone it to check the weather, check the time, read who seeks, finds. And to everyone who stories to Lily. But best of all, we use it to play knocks, the door will be opened.” kid songs.

While Lily’s requests of songs and snacks are Whenever a song that Lily loves goes off, she pretty instantaneous, there are some immediately says, “again, again.” It’s the requests that need time to be prepared. sweetest thing to hear her say it in her voice. There are some answers that might not arrive Then, Rich or I request Alexa play the song immediately. Instead, God has to prepare us again, and again, and again, until we say to for the answer and prepare the answer for us.

Lily, “all done.” That’s when she understands, The longer we persist in our petitions, the the song is over. longer we endure in faith, the more ready we become to receive the answer we’re praying The same routines persists when she wants a for according to God’s will for our life. favorite snack. We give Lily a portion of her snack. She eats it and once she’s done, Just like a parent honors the pure, innocent promptly says, “more, more.” I have to block request and faith of a child, God honors the out the sweetness of her voice, or else I’ll give pure and innocent faith of His children.

Lily whatever she wants against my better Read what Romans 4:18-22 says about judgement. Even after I say, “no more,” Lily Abraham, “Even when there was no reason continues to ask for more. for hope, Abraham kept hoping—believing that he would become the father of many Then one day it dawned on me. Lily doesn’t nations. For God had said to him, “That’s how even consider the possibility that I might say many descendants you will have!” no. She is persistent in her petition until she gets what she wants and it’s usually her And Abraham’s faith did not weaken, even persistence that gets a yes. though, at about 100 years of age, he figured his body was as good as dead—and so was Lily’s childlike persistence demonstrated to Sarah’s womb. Abraham never wavered in me, what it looked like to ask our heavenly believing God’s promise. In fact, his faith Father for what we want. grew stronger, and in this he brought glory to God. He was fully convinced that God is able Matthew 7:7-8 says, “Keep on asking, and you to do whatever he promises. And because of will receive what you ask for. Keep on seeking, Abraham’s faith, God counted him as and you will find. Keep on knocking, and the righteous.”Romans 4:18-22 NLT door will be opened to you.

After waiting for decades for God’s promise to come to pass many would have given up and decided, it’s not going to happen. God has forgotten about me. But God said Abraham did the exact opposite. He endured. He kept believing and His faith grew stronger.

If you are believing God for an answer or promise, don’t give up. It’s not if or can God do it, but when. Stay persistent in your prayerful petition. Trust him to come through because He will.

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DAY 25

At the beginning of the Summer of 2019, Richard signed up our family for our church’s family retreat. The annual retreat takes place in a rural, rustic camp group in New Hampshire. As much as I wanted to peacefully follow Richard’s lead, I’ll admit I had some anxiety about spending the weekend in a rustic campground.

I’d hoped to approach it as a family adventure, but my heart wasn’t there yet.

The campground had special meaning to Richard. While he was a college student in Massachusetts his Christian groups visited several times for retreats. It’s also where our church holds our men’s retreats.

When we arrived at the campground around 8:30pm, Lily was asleep, but shortly after our arrival, she woke up ready to get the night started. 8:30pm is our targeted bed time for Lily. We don’t always hit it, but we try.

Richard and I took turns setting up our sleeping quarters and introducing Lily to her home for the weekend. It seemed that as we got more settled, Lily got more stimulated by her new surroundings.

As the night got later and later, Lily got more active.

Richard and I were tired and not prepared for the all night party.

Personally, I got more and more frustrated. Full disclosure, my attitude is the worst when I’m sleepy and/or hungry. It’s not a good look.

Richard was somehow able to maintain his patience with Lily. He read to her, walked around the property with her, and engaged her restlessness.

Me: I tapped out. I left the two of them to figure it out.

The next morning, Lily was giving me major attitude. I could tell she wasn’t feeling the way we ended things the night before. I decided Lily and I should spend some alone time together and restore our relationship. As we were walking, I whispered to God, “I wish there was someone to show us how to raise Lily.” I promptly heard God say, “she is showing you how to raise her.”

Exactly the wisdom I needed. God is so good.

Slow Down

Me: I tapped out. I left the two of them to figure it out.

The next morning, Lily was giving me major attitude. I could tell she wasn’t feeling the way we ended things the night before. I decided Lily and I should spend some alone time together and restore our relationship. As we were walking, I whispered to God, “I wish there was someone to show us how to raise Lily.” I promptly heard God say, “she is showing you how to raise her.” Exactly the wisdom I needed. God is so good.

When I delivered Lily my Dad told me, “It’s hard work raising parents.” Isn’t that the truth.

As I’m raising Lily, she’s raising me. She’s helping raise and refine me to be the mom she needs and the woman I’m destined to become.

Thank God for a village and for attending a retreat with other families and other moms.

The wisdom I received was that Lily was in a new surrounding and she needed time to get adjusted. We also heard from other families that their toddler kids stayed up well into the night as well. That was helpful to know and encouraging as a new parent.

The more I put myself in the student role the more I learn how to raise Lily and how to love her. It’s humbling, but it’s the best seat in the house.

What lesson is God trying to teach you. Don’t fight it. Slow down, and embrace being a student of life.

9 Each time he said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me.2 Corinthians 12:9

A Healthy Harvest The saying, “do as I say, not as I do,” does Of all the things I teach my daughter, not work on kids. Granted the statement is speaking harshly to her Dad is not one of hypocritical anyway, but it also doesn’t them. I corrected Lily immediately. It wasn’t work. her fault, but the short term damage had been done.

Nine times out of 10, kids do exactly what you do and little of what you say to do.

Every decision we make has a consequence At least this is the case right now with Lily. that affects our children positively or I find myself having to ask her repeatedly negatively. They watch everything we do. to follow an instruction especially if it’s I’m not saying we have to be perfect, but we something that she doesn’t want to do. have to be intentional about the example we However, she follows my patterns of set for our kiddos. We have to be okay that if behavior to a tee. She copies me by walking we put it out there, they may catch it and in my high heels, trying on my make up and keep it. giving hugs and kisses.

The scriptures go so far as to say: But if you She also follows the not so good stuff. cause one of these little ones who trusts in One day, Richard and I were having a tense me to fall into sin, it would be better for you exchange. We don’t have many, but to have a large millstone tied around your compared to the beginning of our neck and be drowned in the depths of the relationship. sea. - Matthew 18:6 Lily was standing next to as I was harshly speaking to Richard and once I was done, she repeated the last thing I said in the same harsh tone.

I felt awful.

I once heard someone say it’s much harder to unlearn the wrong way than it is to learn the right way. Let’s be intentional to always plant the seeds in our children that will produce a healthy and whole harvest.

DAY 27

27

Take The Limits Off

One my absolute favorite moments of day with Lily is bathtime. She has the time of her life in the bath. We sing songs, play music, and play with toys. We have a blast!

Watching her live her best life reminds me of how I speak to her and types of boundaries I set. I set boundaries that are for my comfort and from my own limitations are simply what will protect her.

As Lily has gotten older, more aware of her body and her independent in her abilities, she I’m mindful that some limits and boundaries I has gotten more adventurous. By adventurous, set could be from my own fears and concerns.

I mean more of a risk taker.

That’s exactly what I don’t want to do.

Without knowing how to swim, Lily treats our bathtub like she’s in an Olympic size pool. She lays on her back, allowing the water to almost completely submerge her body in the water.

You see, Lily doesn’t ask me permission to have fun, to play, or to live. She just does it.

That’s one of the many traits in Lily I want to nurture and preserve and make sure I’m doing the same in my own life. Lily has the built-in permission to live, explore, and discover.

Most times, all I can see through the bubbles are her eyes, tip of her nose and mouth. She pushes up and down steam in the bath. Once she’s reached the top or bottom of the tub, she What limits have you or society placed on flips over in the water, turns around and heads yourself that you need to take off. I encourage down to the other end. you to spend time thinking through where you need to give yourself permission and go It’s all very entertaining and if I’m honest for it! sometimes frightening to watch. Granted, Rich “For this is how God loved the world: He gave or myself are always sitting right there as she his one and only Son, so that everyone who swims, but things happen so fast. You can believes in him will not perish but have never take your eyes off of an active toddler eternal life.”John 3:16 NLT because they have no limits.

They have no limits, except the ones we enforce on them. Lily is free as a bird, swimming on her back, twisting and turning in the water. She doesn’t consider the fact that she may take in too much water, or that she may lose her balance as she’s twisting and turning. She’s only focused on having fun, exploring, and enjoying her time in the bathtub.

28

The Father's Love

W

hen I found out that I was having a girl, I couldn't help but get excited for all of the things that we would enjoy together.

I immediately began to envision the places we would travel; matching outfits; bringing her into my sorority; supporting her through all of her dreams; and all of the fun we would share.

In the beginning, Lily was a mama's girl, but kinda by default. We spent the first six months together, every day. She nursed, we took walks, I changed most of the diapers, I stayed up with her at night. We bonded–a lot.

But then, right around 13 months, something shifted. I saw my little girl shift from a mama's girl to a daddy's girl.

She designated herself the welcoming committee when Richard came home. More and more she wanted Richard to put her to sleep. She started to ask for him when he wasn't there.

We could be having the best time, just Lily and me. Enter Richard and our fun abruptly ended. Lily left me to go spend time with her dad.

Time and time again, she chose Richard.

I'll be honest. At first, my feelings were hurt. Not because Richard and Lily had a great relationship. That genuinely warmed my heart to see my sweet girl bonding with her dad.

What hurt my feelings was that she was choosing Richard over me.

Something I did as a little girl, according to my mom.

Apart of me felt like can you blame her? What girl doesn't want to curl up on her dad; feel secure in his arms; fall in love with your first male protector. I totally get it, but it still hurt.

That hurt turned into confused feelings when Lily would make her way back to me only when she needed something or when she had her fill of her dad.

I had to quickly learn not to hold it against Lily. I had to learn to get my feelings in check and get over myself. I had to learn unconditional love.

Because that's what Lily was teaching me. She was teaching me how to love unconditionally. She was teaching me how to give her unlimited grace.

She was teaching me how to treat her the way God treats us.

God is unconditional love; and thanks to the gift of Jesus, we are now living under grace and not the law. God doesn't deal harshly with us when we use our free will to choose someone or something other than Him, yet, only run to Him when we need Him. He still receives us like the loving, gracious Father that He is.

That's how we ought to treat our children, our spouse, and everyone we come in contact with. So that when people see us, they experience Christ.

Where do you need to extend unconditional love? Let 1 John 4:19 guide you: Â We love because he first loved us.

29

DAY 29

When Lily turned two years old, one of the biggest developmental changes I noticed was her language.

The amount of words she could say exploded. Lily went from phrases to sentences and then her sentences seemingly tripled over night. She spoke in sentences for everything. We were able to have real back and forth conversations.

Another language shift was the amount of times Lily said "no." The response "no" increased times 100. She said “no” to things she actually meant to say yes.

The biggest shift of all that I noticed was that Lily believed everything was hers. A typical beginning to the day now sounded like:"My shirt""My bed""My doll""My toothbrush""My shoes""My food" You get the point.

She had literally taken possession of everything–even if it wasn't hers. Including my dresses and size nine, fiveinch heels that she loves to walk in with surprising precision.

And while Lily taking over everything can be somewhat annoying, I can't help but revel in her natural confidence and self-given permission, especially as a girl.

No one had to give her permission to claim and take dominion of all these things. She gave herself permission.

As women get older, we often find ourselves asking for permission. Permission to make more money.

Permission to be treated equally. Permission to be at the table.

And if you're a woman of color, as I am, permission to exist.

You Have Permission

But not Lily (and I'm sure other toddlers). They learn to put together a sentence and the new found freedom, along with independence, gives them permission to ownership. It's something I admire about her. It's a quality that I want to preserve in her and a characteristic, I'm still working to reaffirm in myself.

A great mentor told me, "Ask for forgiveness, not for permission."

1 John 5:14 says, “This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us.�

Let's follow Lily's lead by boldly and confidently, claiming our spot and space in this world. We're worthy, because Jesus Christ made us worthy.

What are the areas you need to grant yourself permission? What will you do differently?

30

Be Fearless

I

n the short 26 months Lily has been alive, I already believe she the ability to survive this life on her own. In part, because of what she's learned from her village so far.

But more than that, I believe Lily can survive because of her instincts. Her natural born instincts.

Her natural born confidence, curiosity, courage, boldness, determination, brilliance, assertiveness and so much more.

I guarantee you there is no one more fearless than a toddler, climbing the entertainment center, eager to jump off. No one. They literally feel invisible and believe they have nothing to lose.

Toddlers literally see life as their oyster and their playground. Life is here to serve them, not the other way around. They see life as a gift they get to open and experience every day without a filter or the contamination of the world's view.

Then, somewhere along the way, someone or someones come along and give reasons to fear, reasons not to be curious, reasons to be afraid, reasons to give up, reasons to dim their light, reasons to not be their unfiltered selves.

Instead of following their instincts, they are now following the voice of a human being. A voice that most likely imposed their limits upon them.

Rather than getting a pure version of this human being, you are getting a watered down version of a person.

Sounds pretty grim.

It is. Traumatic, even. Coming into the world one way, and the world telling you that you're wrong is damaging.

It can be damaging for years to come. I know, personally.

I remember waking up one day, and realizing, I had followed everyone else's voice, mainly done what everyone else expected of me. I certainly didn't know my own voice.

I didn't know me.

The journey to getting to know myself was long and took a lot of work. I'm still doing the work. It has been the journey of unlearning.

I'm also doing the work to be aware of when my interactions with Lily dull her instincts or give them the space to live, breath, and shine.

I believe this is one of the reasons God commands us to come to him as a child. I believe it's why he says, unless we do come to him like this we won't inherit the kingdom of heaven. (Matthew 18:3) I want Lily to be the best version of herself. Not the best version of the person I want her to be. And a big part of that is me allowing her to trust her own instincts.

God gave them to her for a reason. He gave them to all of us. He gave them for us to rely on, to trust in informed by wisdom, to guide and direct us into the best version of ourselves.

That's my hope for Lily and all of us. That we will know, trust in our instincts as they are the purest, most childlike version of who we are.

There's no question that toddlers keep you on your toes, and this particular day took the cake.

As I was headed to grab lunch with a colleague, I got a call from Lily's day care provider. A call you never want to get. The day care provider informed me that Lily was running, tripped and fell and scraped her chin. The care provider also said she believed Lily bit the inside of her bottom lip, because her lip was swollen and bleeding. As my anxiety started to rise, she assured me that Lily was fine and back to her happy herself, BUT she was pretty sure that one of her hair beads was up her nose.In my head, I'm like, The day care provider said that as she was consoling Lily and patching her up from the fall, she saw up her nose and was 99% sure it was a hair bead. Well, if that's the situation, there was nothing left to do but figure out how to get the bead removed. I called Lily's pediatrician and let them know of the precarious scenario. They chuckled a bit on the other end and set up an appointment for the removal in the next couple of hours.

When I went to pick up Lily she was napping. I was able to clearly look up her nose and confirm, she indeed had a hair bead up her nose. You might be wondering how the bead got up there in the first place. Let's rewind to the night before.

As we were driving home from a friend's house, I turned to see Lily in her carseat with a loose bead in her hand that was making its way to her mouth.

To which, I said, "Lily not in the mouth.” From there Lily moved it away. I never thought to say, “Lily, not in the nose.”Back to the present, Lily and I made it to the doctor’s office and our typical pediatrician was out.

Back to the present, Lily and I made it to the doctor’s office and our typical pediatrician was out.

In all honesty the stand-in pediatrician was not confident she could pull out the bead after a few unsuccessful attempts.

31

DAY 31

His Perfect Will

On her last try she recommended we go to the local urgent care. Once we got checked into the urgent care, the doctor came into our room with his tweezers, fully confident that he could remove the bead. I laid down on the bed, put a YouTube video in Lily's hands and laid her on top of me. After two attempts and 10 seconds, the doctor retrieved the bead.It's worth noting that Lily was in great spirits the entire time.

She was completely herself. In fact, we likely would not have known the bead was up her nose unless she had tripped and fell and needed attention. Coming where I've come through with postpartum depression, an ugly fall could send me spiraling down.

Most of my postpartum depression included visions of Lily being injured. It always hurts my feelings when Lily gets hurt. I take it personal. I shouldn't, but I do. I wish it would have happened to me and not her.

But I had to see the blessing in this fall. I had to see how God used it to reveal a greater need. That's just how good and strategic our God is. It's one of the many ways, I've learned to see God in all things, because He is in all things. After bead-gate was all over, all I could do was laugh. Yes, this left me slightly edge less, but I resolved that if is my #MomLifeStreets adventure for day, I’ll take it!What hurt are you experiencing?

Could it be that God is using it to reveal something or push you to a place that will actually be apart of a great healing? Take some time to reflect and let God have His perfect will in your life.

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the Lord." Isaiah 55:8

Heal The Hurt I spent most of the second half of 2018 in therapy for severe postpartum depression. It was very challenging, comforting, and eye opening. I'll be honest. I expected to spend most of my session time working through my newfound fears, anxieties and depression as it related to Lily, being a working mom, and an awful job environment that had just ended.

The further I dug into my therapy sessions, I began reconciling how my mother raised me with how I was now to raise my own daughter. The more I reconciled the two, the angrier I became.

Granted at the time Lily was only one, but I still wanted to always be a safe space for her and I that had to come through my actions.

At this time my actions began to mirror a boiling But the deeper the therapist and I dug into my pot with a lid on top as I interacted with my past, the closer we came to my deep rooted mother. We live in two different states and as we issues that were fueling some of my pain. began to talk, I would come off harsh to her. I We landed on my relationship with my mother. approached our conversations with the baggage of So many of my newfound issues stemmed from my childhood and the excavated anger that I was my relationship with my mother. trying to suppress.

To set the record straight, my mother is awesome. She's a caring, loving, thoughtful The thing I've learned about emotions and mother and the very best grandmother to Lily. trauma, is that they must express themselves. It No "buts." Here's where I'll add an "and." can be in a healthy or hurtful way. It's up to us to And at times when I was child my mother was decide. unable to temper her anger and was violent with My emotions were coming out in an unhealthy me when. way. It wasn't until my sister brought it to my attention that my mother felt I was harsh with her Growing up, because of my mother's response to that I gathered my courage to finally clear the air me in certain situations, I was afraid of her. I with my mother. didn't find her to be a safe place. I also found that my confidence took a hit. Whether we know it or In the summer of 2019, Lily, Richard and I stayed not. There's a natural confidence that comes with with my parents for almost two weeks. I made up being fearless. When fear steps in we begin to in mind we must have a heart to heart. shrink and limit ourselves even if we're fully I was sick (both spiritually and emotionally) of capable. I didn't realize until I was older that living hurt and broken in this area. I was ready to some of the ways my mother dealt with me have a healthy relationship with my mom. And I dimmed my light and made me question myself. was determined to break the generational curse among women in my family.

.

It was time that we have whole relationships especially for Lily's sake.

When we got to my parent's house, in the midst of all of our plans, I made sure that my mom, Lily and I got alone time together. The three of us went to a local beach to spend time together. Divinely, Lily slept for the whole first hour. That's when I took my opportunity.

I expressed to my mom that I wanted she and I to have a healing conversation. I said that I wanted she and I to offer one another forgiveness. I acknowledged and owned that I had been harsh with her, and I apologized.

I explained to her why and where it was coming from. which opened the door for a wonderful conversation.We were both able to hear from one another and heal one another. We empathized with one another and had real compassion for each other. At the end, we hugged and kissed each other, and committed to fostering healthy, whole relationships amongst the women in our family and beyond.

I felt like a weight of 10,000 pounds had been lifted off of my heart. I felt like I saw my mother for the first time in years. I saw her humanity. I was able to see her back when I was a child and see her now that I am an adult and love her in both places.

Best of all, I felt healed and made whole. I now know that Lily will experience healthy relationships among the women in her family.

Little does Lily know, she was truly the catalyst for this healing. Becoming a mom brought the onslaught of postpartum depression and anxiety. Those illnesses drove me to therapy. In therapy, I unearthed my deep issues with my mom. Lily was truly my motivation for healing them. The icing on the cake — Lily’s middle name Leigh means “healer.” She is truly living out her greater purpose, even as a toddler.

The saying is true. Hurt people, hurt people. This saying is also true. Healed people, heal people.

What deep hurt resides in your life? It's impossible for us to fulfill the highest calling on our lives until we reckon with whatever is wrestling with us.

I encourage you to make peace with it, so that you can fully experience God’s peace that surpasses all understanding.

16 Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective. James 5:16