Herc Are Some Jokes And " G"gr" That M.y Help You Enliven The Holidays

By Jacl<

It occurred to me that some of the funny and near-funny jokes, "gagr," quips, and jests that are now going the rounds might help our readers enliven their holidays. With that thought in view I offer the following, which have been gleaned from all sorts of sources, authors unknown I imagine to anyone but the Lord Himself. Here they are:

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Christmas, the season for hanging up the Kisseltoe.

Have you heard about the new bath soap that is being so widely advertised? It's called B-O; guaranteed to take the smell out of Lifebolz.

* * *

"The weather," remarks the pessimist, "couldn't be -worse if the Government was runnin' it."

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And someone says there is one thing you have got to "admit about Joe Stalin-he's square; square as a baseball.

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And then there is the joker who ryrs invited to a Christmas party and wired the hosglSorry I can't be with you in spirit-so I'll comeyfierson." {.* *

They tell about the swanky restaurant that is so fash'ionable they have lengthened the tablecloths to give them the "new look."

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And bread has gone up so that the baker no longer says '"Pumpernickel"; he calls it

One guy says to the other: "Truman's big job is tr-r keep Isenhower out of the White House." The other answered: "His big job is to keep Joe Stalin out."

A distinguished EasterJ ";;.. announces that unless we change our ways, in a few generations Americans rvill all be mororls. And a lot of them, of course, will be distinguishededucators.

Andy, on the Amos and Andy radio program, tells about the big American tanker that was hauling oil to Russia. Someone asked him horv come, and Andy said: "ff we have another war, horv can Russia fight if we don't send her oil?" ***

Archie, of the Duffy's Tavern program made a hit with this one: "A film mogul is a man who has to make quick decisions, like whether to take two or three hours for lunch, ,or whether to order a Martini or a Manhattan, or which secretary to chase around the desk and, before doing so, -whether to swivel his chair clockwise or counter-clock'wise."

In a big public gymnasium hangs a sign that reads: "Don't diet too much. Narrow cofifins cost as much as widF ,ones."

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Minnie the Moron says she has heard of men who were "tried and found wanting," but says the kind she likes are those who are "wanted and found trying." ***

Modern nursery rhyme: Old King Cole was a merry old soul, and a merry old soul was he; he called for his. pipe and he called for his bowl, but he really rvanted Gypsy Rose Lee.

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Then there was the fellow who dated the girl Siamese twins, and when his friend asked if he got along all right with them he said-"Well. ves and no."

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Maybe you've heard about the guy who had no many irons in the fire he out out the fire.

The word goes round that the price of beef steak is now so high that even the big gamblers are playing for small steaks.

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Britain's Bevin says the sweetest words on earth today are-"A loan at last." *{<rF

A philosopher says that the United States is the orily country left on earth where when you turn the hot water faucet, hot water comes out.

I\faybe you've t.,.u.a uJoJ,nl ".*rrweds who are living a beef stew sort of life: she beefs all the time, and he's sterved all the time.

The Hollywood movie nrJd"ln, who is so scared over the Communist investigation was heard to remark that he would quit the movies and go in some other line of business if he only had some relatives who owned some other line of business.

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Have you heard of the man who sat down to the table rvith a deck of cards in one hand and a pistol in the other. Someone asked what the pistol was for, and he answered: "When I play solitaire, nobody cheats."

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And then there was the Hollywood actor who said that he'd rvaited so long for his ship to come in that his' dock broke down.

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One of the wittiest remarks in baseball history was made by a famous sports writer regarding Leo Durocher, back in the days when Leo was playing ball himself. The writer said: "As a batter, Durocher has only one weak-nessla pitched ball."

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