NATHAN GOMPANY

Men are what womcn marry. They have two hands, two feet, and sgmetimes two wives, but never more than one dollar or one idea at a time. Like Turkish cigarettes, they are dl made of the same material The only difference is some are better disguised than others.

Generally speaking, they may be divided into three classes: husbands, bachelors, and widowers.

A bachelor is an eligible mass of obstinacy entirely surrounded by suspicion.

Husbands are of three tntes: prizes, consolation prizes, and surprises.

Making a husband out of a tnan is one of the highest forms of plastic art known to civilizatin. It requires science, sculpture, common sense, faith, hope, and charity. Mostly charity.

It is a psychological marvel that a small, tender, soft, violet-scented woman enjoys kissing a big, awkward, stubchinned, tobacco and rum scented thing called man.

If you f,atter a man, you frighten him to death. If you don't, you bore hinl to death. If you permit him to make love to you, he gets tired of you in the end, and if you don't he gets tired of you in the beginning.

ff you agree with him in everSrthing, you cease to interest him. If you arguc with him on everything, you ccase to charm him- ff you wear gay colors, rouge, and startling hats, he hesitates to take you out. But if you wear a brown beret and a tailored suit, he takes you out and then stares all evening at a lady in gay colors, rouge, and a startling hat. ff you are silly, he longs for a bright mate, and if you are brilliant, he longs for a playmate.

If you believe all he tells you he thinks you're a fool, and if you don't he thinks you're a cynic.

If you ioin in the gaieties and approve of his drinking, he swears you are driving him to the devil. If you argue with him to give up drinking, he swears you are a snob and naive.

If you are a clinging vine type, he doubts whether you have a brain in your head, and if you are modern, advanced and independent he doubts whether you have a heart.

Man is just a wormi in the dust. fle comes along, wiggles around for a while, and finally some chicken gets him.

The disgusted patron said to the restaurant waiter: "Waiter, this beef stew hasn't enough beef in it to even give it a flavor."

The waiter said: "Sir, it isn't supposed to give it a flavor; we just put in enough to grve it a namc."

A very wise man of precision, Of woman gave this definition:

"A rag, a bone, and a hank of hair." But woman, not willing to be outdone, Defined a man, to complete the pun:

"A nag, a drone, and a tank of air."

Federal Judge T. H. Kennerly, of Houston, was on the train to San Antonio, and found the porter on his car to be an old acquaintance. They were only about half way to San Antonio when the porter came around with his broorn and brush, and said:

'Jedge, can't f brush you off? 'We'se comin' into Victoria."

"f don't get off at Victoria, George," said Judge Kennerly.

The porter said: "Nossuh, Jedge, but I does."

The Judge grinned, and said:

"All right, George. Then I'll brush you."

Only one life, so live it well, And keep thy candle trimmed and bright; Eternity, not time, will tell, The radius of that candle light.

-Sadie Mathers Miller.

He was taking his examination for a driver's license, and when the officer asked him:

"\ll/hat would you do if you were driving at high speed and your brakes failed to work?"

And he answered:

"Hit something cheap."

That wasn't the regular answer, but a mighty good substitute.

I remember, I remember, Ere r4y childhood fitted by, It was cold then in December, It was warmer in July. In the winter there were freezings, In the summer th€re were thaws, But the weather isn't now at all Like it used to was.

And then there was the burglar who decided to get his eyes fitted for glasses when he started twirling the knobs on a safe one night, and a jazz band started playing.