R.E-S.P.E.C.T

TWO brothers. both executives of a I large family business. wanted to take out a large loan to expand the company. Absolutely not, said the c.e.o., who was also their father.

That disagreement turned into several months of stalemate and an increasingly acrimonious relationship between the brothers and their father. By the time they finally called in a consultant, the argument had progressed from a difference over a business plan into a fight about respect.

"They have no respect for my decisions," the father complained.

"He refuses to acknowledge that we're capable of making major decisions for the business," the sons said.

The most common complaint I hear

By Bernard Kliska

about the issue of respect comes from senior executives, especially founders, who turn business disagreements with their children into a battle about their offspring not respecting them. Lack of respect, real or perceived, is probably the key factor in the breakdown of family business relationships. Without real, demonstrated respect, few family business relationships are long-term or sustainable.

Although founders most frequently complain about lack of respect, offspring also do it. I often remind families that if respect doesn't flow in both directions, it quickly dries up. Founders focus so much on the lack of respect from their children that they don't see that they haven't respected their children enough and are in effect getting hit with their own boomerang of disrespect. On the orher hand, children focus so much on the founders not listening to them that they fail to see how their own lack of respect has calcified their parents' resistance to hearing anything they have to say.

The founder/offspring relationship is not the only one in family business that benefits from respect. Siblings also suffer from the impact of a perceived lack of respect, particularly if some siblings are involved in the business and others are not. Often, those in the business feel their non-employed siblings don't respect their contribution to the business. Those employed in the business feel that they are working for the good of the family and others are benefiting from their hard work. Or, siblings not in the business feel that they miss out on the rewards provided by the business-salary, recognition, and other perks. The same prescription for engendering respect applies in the sibling relationship.

What is respect? Respect is a little like love; everyone thinks they know what it means, but there are many definitions, most of them private, and when one person doesn't know the other's definition, trouble usually results. So it's important for each person to define for the other-as well as for themselves-which behaviors will help them feel respected. This helps to move the issue of respect from complaining. hurt feelings, accusations. anger, and arguing toward negotiation.

"I feel I'm respected when You do what I want," a founder may say. "You want me to do what You want every time?" the child may respond. "Would you really respect me if I did exactly what you wanted everY time? Can we find some way in which we can both earn respect?"

When people know that their feel- of importance the attributes that make their business successful, respect for other family members isn't likely to appear high on the list-if it appears at all. But I believe that respect is essential for long-term survival of the family business. Family members who don't feel respect will not make their best contributions to the enterprise, and they may even unintentionallY sabotage things. ings, thoughts, needs, ideas, wishes and preferences are heard and taken into genuine consideration, they generally feel respected. Notice I say genuine consideration. Respect requires more than lip service or empty actions. This is why I advise people not to fake respect but to cultivate their capacity for feeling it. When the feeling of respect is there, the behavior will naturally follow.

Many founders have done a tremendous job starting and growing their family businesses precisely because they saw the business as a means of gaining respect. But somewhere along the line, the need for respect became confused with power. History is full of examples of powerful rulers who started horrendous wars and whose kingdoms crumbled because, confusing their quest for respect with the quest for power, they couldn't exercise the kind of wisdom, empathy and benevolence that creates a culture of respect.

Learning to respect. Senior generations often believe that respect can be demanded or forced. But demands and coercion result only in false, token respect. Real respect must be earned by taking the other person's needs into consideration. For the two-waY process of respect to work efficiently, several things are required.

First, each person must be aware of what he or she needs to feel respected and must clearly express it. People have to listen non-judgmentally and non-defensively to each other. This difficult step is easier when you make a sincere effort to be curious and to care about the other's thoughts and feelings. Third, you must believe that feelings matter-yours and the other person's. When you give resPect, you're more likely to get respect.

Is respect really imPortant? If you ask many founders to list in order

Eventually, people who mistake power for respect become like a mouse on a treadmill, running faster and faster in a futile chase, more and more determined to hang on to their power, when the real solution lies in stepping off the treadmill and doing some self-analysis, soul searching, and sincere listening to others.

As with love, we most want respect from those with whom we're the closest. Shareholders seldom satisfy our deepest need for respect. We can't treat family members like automatons, servants or subjects who should give us respect simply because we demand it. We earn it through how we communicate and connect with PeoPle.

Communicating (which involves not just saying what we want but learning to listen to others say what's important to them) actually takes less energy in the long run than continually charging ahead by yourself. Disrespect breeds conflicts, and family business conflicts are among the most serious and nonproductive energy drains that I know of. In the end, the wise stewards, not the raging tyrants, are the ones who acquire the most resPect.

- Bernard Kliska is an associate of the Family Business Consulting GrouP, Marietta, Ga.; (800) 551-0633. He can be reached at kliska@ efomilybusiness .com.

Reprinted with permission ftom The Family Business Advisor, a copyrighted publication of Family Enterprise Publishers. No portion of this article may be reproduced without permission of