Lumbermenns twisted terms of the trade

By Larry Stevens Kelleher Lumber Co. San Rafael. Ca.

f, N imaginatively abridged dictionlLary of lumber industry terms:

ACTUAL FREIGHT - a number never used by Freddy Fungus in figuring a sell price.

ANNUAL CUT - what happens to your salary when you're in the lumber business.

ATTACHED HOUSING - similar to an attached paycheck, this is also something that often occurs when you're in the lumber business.

BACK OUT - how you cancel a transaction when you discover you're not making any profit.

BLANK - how you look when you receive last month's commission check.

Story at a Glance

Daffy definitions of industry terms, from A to T.

CANT - how you answer a customer who is demanding a credit be issued.

CUP - what a lumberman should wear when entering Interior Secretary Bruce Babbit's office.

FALLDOWN - what most lumbermen do after a Hoo-Hoo meeting.

FRAMING - something most lumbermen do not think is happening to O.J. Simpson.

FORKLIFT - a lunch exercise performed by lumbermen.

FUTURES - somethins most lum- bermen do not have.

GRADES - if you are in the lumber business, yours probably weren't very good.

GREENCHAIN - a necklace worn by an Earth First! member.

GROWTH RING - the mark on the tongue of your belt where the buckle used to sit.

HEADRIG - a hands-free device for the telephone.

HIT AND MISS - how two lumbermen argue after a Hoo-Hoo club meeting.

JACKET BOARD - a piece of lumber carried beneath a lumberman's coat when walking downtown.

LOT LOADED - how you can describe individuals leaving a Hoo-Hoo meeting.

MACHINE BURN - darkening of a piece of fax paper that is fed through the rollers incorrectly.

ON HAND - where a lumberman writes important things like his name and address to prevent their loss.

OVERWEIGHT - anyone in the wholesale lumber business more than five years.

PENCIL END TRIMMED - application of a sophisticated term to explain how a pencil sharpener works.

PHOTOSYNTHESIS - a process that occurs inside a Polaroid camera.

PITCH - something a road salesman usually practices in the mirror.

PLATE STOCK - anything from fine china to comrgated paper; this is commonly used to hold food.

PRECUT - when the company you work for tells you in advance that they intend to cut your salary.

PREFINISHED - when the company you work for tells you in advance that they plan to fire you.

REFORESTATION - a term describing the procedure performed on the scalp of many lumbermen; this term is used less frequently with the discovery of Minoxidyl.

REJECT - this term aptly describes most members of the lumber industry.

S4S - most lumbermen have trouble remembering the correct spelling of the international symbol for distress, SOS.

SAWYER - Huck Finn's friend.

SHORTS - An article of clothing that should not be removed in the presence of a lumberman.

SPLIT - what you do when your customer looks closely at what you've been shipping.

SQUARE FOOT opposite of "hip" or "cool" foot.

STILE - for most lumbermen it's cowboy boots, jeans and Pendletons.

STUD - what most lumbermen think they are.

SURFACED - what you hope doesn't happen to those rumors about you that you thought were buried.

TRIM - an adjective that doesn't apply to most lumber jockeys.