Kintsugi Winter Issue 2021

WINTER - ISSUE 12

THE

HEALING I SS U E

Self · Wellbeing Home · Fashion Beauty · Health 1

Contents 16

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From the editor What does 'doing the work' of healing truly mean? Our editor explores this question and explains why winter is the perfect time to start

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The mindful 5 Make your home your sanctuary and find peace in the quiet this winter with our edit of the best pieces for conscious living

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The reading list Warmth and wisdom are on offer in this winter’s books

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Five apps on... healing from trauma Movational coaching and tailored guidance to when things are tough. Our favourite apps for helping you to find calm, rebuild strength and reframe the future

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On the quiet road of self-discovery Editor Al Reem Al Tenaiji explores the need for inner reflection, doing the work and how to find space in the silence 2

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The power of silence In a world filled with noise, it can be hard to find peace in the silence. Katie Scott explores our relationship with stillness

Changing the narrative Writer Laura Bicknell explores the relationship between birth trauma and unmet expectations

This too shall pass How can we mindfully and consciously navigate the stages of grief in a way that heals our hearts, and makes a way forward seem possible?

Good foundations Our childhood experiences and our parenting can both help and hinder us as we navigate through the trials of life.

Emma Johnson explores why these really are the formative years…

Trigger warning We are constantly being warned about ‘triggering’ information.

But what is a trigger? And how can you understand and manage your own?

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A winter's tale The ultimate beauty and wellness ideas to help you to hunker down and emerge renewed

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Baby it's cold outside What to do when the festive season doesn’t feel like the most wonderful time of the year.

By Beth Kempton

Honouring the call to hibernate Taking the time to slow down and embrace this season of hibernation can be just what we need this winter says Suzy Reading

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Written on the body Often a more reliable witness than our minds, our physical reactions can give clues to past traumas and offer a path to healing

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Skin deep Katy Young investigates the new field of psychodermatology

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The wounds we carry Is it possible to forget childhood trauma asks Dr Asma Naheed, and do we want to?

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Editor-in-Chief Al Reem Al Tenaiji

Letting good things happen What happens when we stop obsessing about the outcome and focus on creating the right conditions for our dreams?

Managing Editor Dr Asma Naheed

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The power of reclaiming your story Our columnist Najla Al Tenajii explains the triggering effect of reliving past traumas, and finds healing in the retelling – in her own way – of her story

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Ar-rahmaan The Beneficent

Editor Elle Blakeman COVER IMAGE: PEXELS/MILAD FARHANI. IMAGES: PEXELS

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Editorial Assistants Paris Starr Annabelle Spranklen Creative Director Vanessa Grzywacz 3

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Silence is a space of self - awareness and growth, it allows our inner voice to be truly heard' 4

EDITOR'S LETTER

From the e d it or...

ILLUSTRATION: CLYM EVERNDEN. OPPOSITE PAGE, IMAGE: PEXELS/ MARIA BORISENKO

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hat is winter for? If we live with the seasons then we accept that there is a time for preparation and a time for abundance, a time for play and a time for rest. Winter is rest. A glance outside at the natural world confirms that this is the time for respite: trees are dormant, animals hibernate, plants pause rather than bloom. We should take this as a sign to do the same.

In this issue, we have decided to explore the stillness offered by winter – the short days and long nights – and see what healing can be found there. In a fastpaced world it is easy to be distracted, to ignore the signals that our minds and bodies may be trying to tell us. When we slow down, when we are still and silent, we can finally listen.

I recently read a beautiful book titled Loving What Is: Four Questions That Can Change Your Life, that has stayed with me ever since. In it, the author asks us to question our tightly held beliefs – ones that may be harming us – and asks who would we be without them. This idea of challenging ourselves to do the work of looking inside and questioning what we find there is something that runs throughout this issue.

Writer Katie Scott explores how to live in the silence – a space many of us are unfamiliar with – noting that it is ‘an art form – a skill – that requires practice’ while author and psychotherapist Suzy Reading asks if we, like our friends in the animal kingdom, should adopt a sort of hibernation mode. After another long and taxing year perhaps it is just the thing our bodies are crying out for.

We also look at how triggers – often maligned – can actually be a blessing, shining a light on areas we need to explore and investigate the traditional stages of grief and look at practical ways to move forward through the journey.

We know that trauma – which can arrive in many forms – can affect attachment bonds, particularly for the young. In this issue we speak with parenting expert Emma Johnson about how to ensure secure attachment in the face of difficulty, while our columnist Kintsugi’s own Dr Asma Naheed asks if it is possible to move on from childhood trauma once we have reached adulthood. With many years of clinic experience, Dr Naheed’s has invaluable advice for anyone who needs to heal a wounded inner child.

Finally, one of my favourite writers, Beth Kempton, explores the idea of loneliness and the need for connection. At a time of year when many are feeling festive and celebratory, how do you cope when you don’t.

For me, silence is a space of self-awareness and growth, it allows our inner voice – often drowned out by louder, more pressing ones – to be truly heard.

In this issue we challenge you to let the silence in and see what you find there.

Zodiac Art Coin Necklace, £130, Rachael Jackson

Wild Meadow Eau de Parfum, £90, Bamford

The Shampoo with TFC8, £40, Augustinus Bader

Gstaad Glam, £70, Assouline

Cream Shearling Slippers, £290, Sleeper

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Mindful 5 Make your home your sanctuar y and find peace in the quiet this winter with our edit of the best pieces for conscious living

MIND OVER MATTER This new launch from leading supplement brand The Nue Co. marks their first foray into the world of scent, creating a fragrance supplement that uses revolutionary olfactory technology to stimulate neural pathways and boost mental energy. Made with an invigorating blend of sustainable and upcycled extracts of clary sage, juniper, pink peppercorn and clove, the perfume delivers a potent pick-me-up, proven to alleviate the effects of mind fog.

Mind Energy Fragrance Supplement Eau de Parfum, 50ml, £85, The Nue Co. 6

LAZY DAYS

SWEET TOUCH

This new luxury pyjama brand was born in the middle of the pandemic after its founder, Jaya Sharma, realised how many people were struggling to sleep. Offering a stylish alternative to traditional loungewear with classic, timeless silhouettes, each set is created using the finest and most sustainable materials available, including breathable modal cotton and raw wood pulp from birch trees.

There’s nothing quite like a cheery patterned cushion to brighten up a room, and this sorbet-striped beauty from Olivia Rubin’s new homewares collection for Liberty London does just that. Knitted from 100% cotton, the candycoloured shades will add a touch of the designer’s signature whimsical charm to any sofa.

Classic Pyjamas, £95, Isla Day

Sorbet Stripe Knitted Cushion, £125, Olivia Rubin

COSY UP

LIGHT IN THE DARK

London-based brand Tuwi specialises in high quality sustainable throws and blankets made from the finest alpaca fleece, which is as soft as cashmere but more eco-friendly. All of their pieces are made using Fair Trade certified suppliers in Peru, including this velvety-soft reversible knitted throw, which is hypoallergenic, lightweight and breathable, keeping you cool in the heat and cosy throughout the winter.

This beautiful pouring bath oil candle makes for the perfect solution to a cold winter's day. Formulated with nourishing cocoa butter and calming essential oils, this luxurious pouring candle is sure to calm both body and mind. Light the candle to fill the room with the warm notes of musk, vanilla and clementine before pouring a few drops of the melted oils into a hot bath. Skin is left soft and revived, with a light fragrance.

Qori Knitted Throw, £489, Tuwi

The '777' Pouring Bath Oil Candle, £30, Kintsugi 7

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Reading List Warmth and wisdom are on offer in this winter ’s books with a beautiful selection of work sharing some of life's hardest won lessons

Manifest: 7 Steps to Living Your Best Life ROXIE NAFOUSI

Self-development coach, manifesting expert and mental health ambassador Roxie Nafousi is known for her sell-out workshops, which she runs on everything from self-love and relationships to reducing stress – but by far her most popular are the sessions she runs on manifesting. Now she’s taken her pearls of wisdom and collected them into this book, the first practical guide on manifesting.

A meeting of science and wisdom, she reveals how to harness this philosophical practice to reach your life goals.

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Awakening Artemis: Deepening Intimacy with the Living Earth and Reclaiming Our Wild Nature VANESSA CHAKOUR

This beautiful love letter to the earth, written by the founder of the rewilding programme Sacred Warrior, takes us on a journey to deepen our relationship with ourselves and the environment.

Through sharing her personal life lessons, Chakour’s stories act as tools, both practical and inspirational, to encourage recovery and reconnection to the regenerative power of the natural world.

An intimate portrayal of how one woman’s quest for healing opens up a world of potential growth for us all.

The Swimmers JULIE OTSUKA

This lyrical new novel by bestselling author Julie Otsuka is her most personal yet, inspired by the many years she spent swimming at her local pool and her mother’s heartbreaking decline to dementia. It follows Alice, whose recreational swimming group has become the centre of her life – until one day a crack appears beneath its surface, just as they are beginning to appear in her memory. A story about mothers and daughters, love and loss, it will make you reconsider what’s truly important in life.

B OOK OF T H E M O N T H

Growing Out

BARBARA BLAKE HANNAH This insightful autobiography was written by the first black female TV journalist and chronicles her experience of migrating from the Caribbean to the UK. On the surface, her life sparkles – travelling around the world, covering incredible celebrity stories and mixing with the likes of Germaine Greer and Michael Caine – but Hannah reveals the darker side of trying to carve a life for yourself when those around you are intent on tearing it down.

A dazzling, revelatory depiction of race and womanhood in the 1960s.

Why Has Nobody Told Me This Before?

DR JULIE SMITH

A positive, practical handbook for better mental health from a top clinical psychologist, this useful guide is filled with secrets from a therapist’s toolkit, all delivered with Dr Julie Smith’s signature warmth and wisdom. From helping to manage anxiety and battling low mood to finding motivation or learning to forgive yourself, the book tackles everyday issues and offers up practical advice in the form of short, bite-sized entries and powerful coping techniques that will help you stay resilient in the face of whatever life throws your way.

Happy Days: The Guided Path from Trauma to Profound Freedom and Inner Peace GABRIELLE BERNSTEIN

In her new book, author Gabrielle Bernstein explores why we get stuck in patterns that make us unhappy and offers guidance for transformation.

Bernstein is already well-known for her unique ability to cut through to what matters and shift negative mindset patterns, but here her thoughts on past trauma and energy are especially enlightening. In the authors own words, if you were free from fear, who would you have the freedom to be?

Hope is coming LOUISE BLYTH

In this beautiful and gripping memoir, debut author Louise Blyth charts story of her marriage from a romantic start to a hauntingly premature grief as her husband George is diagnosed with advanced cancer at just thirtythree years old. Told innovatively through letters, love notes and text messages, this enchanting true-story shares insight into some of life’s biggest questions, namely, why are we truly here. This book will speak to all of those who have loved, lost and search for the meaning of life in death.

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Five apps… healing from trauma Movational coaching and tailored guidance to when things are tough. Our favourite apps for helping you to find calm, rebuild

IMAGE: PEXELS/ DIANA SMYKOVA

strength and reframe the future

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G R IE F WO RK S F RO M JU L I A S A M U E L Leading psychotherapist Julia Samuel MBE has taken key elements from her bestselling book, Grief Works, and translated them into a handy app, designed to help you rebuild your strength following an episode of grief. With daily meditations and tools as well as in-the-moment support for managing difficult emotions whenever they arise, it’s like having a mini therapist in your pocket. griefworkscourse.com

HA PPY N OT PE R F ECT Founded by wellness entrepreneur Poppy Jamie, this app was developed by a broad team of expert guides, ranging from strategy coaches and clinical psychologists to holistic practitioners and hypnotherapists, to help you feel calmer and more balanced. Featuring mini games, mindfulness exercises and breathing techniques, think of it as a workout for your mind. happynotperfect.com

MY POSS I B L E S E L F This app was created by top healthcare professionals to support your mental health through a series of self-help modules designed to tackle issues such as stress or anxiety and a clever ‘moments’ function that monitors your feelings and recognises any patterns or triggers in your behaviour. The goal is to help you reframe the future in a positive way, especially in times of uncertainty. mypossibleself.com

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WAK EOU T We all know we should exercise more, but sometimes there simply isn’t the time – except now there is, thanks to Wakeout. Based on the principle that moving makes us happy, the app has a library of over 300 exercises which can all be done in 30-second chunks that fit seamlessly into your daily routine, whether you’re working at your desk, sitting on the sofa or cooking your dinner. wakeout.app

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S I MPLE H AB IT Founded by a former Wall Street Banker, this app describes itself as being designed to 'help busy people stress less, achieve more, and live better'. All of its meditations are offered in bite-sized five-minute sessions, ranging from classic guided mindfulness to motivational coaching and stories to soothe you to sleep, narrated by an eclectic bunch that range from mindfulness experts at Google to former monks. simplehabit.com

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On the quiet road of self-discovery

IMAGE: PEXELS/ELIJAH ODONNELL

Editor Al Reem Al Tenaiji explores the need for inner reflection and how to find space in the silence

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et me ask you a very personal question: Would you like you, if you met you? In her ground-breaking book, Loving What Is: Four Questions That Can Change Your Life, American author Byron Katie explores this thought-provoking concept, pointing out that ultimately ‘It’s not your job to like me, it’s mine’.

Our lives are full of ups and downs, joys and heartbreak, the expected and the unexpected. Life has a unique way of teaching us, making us listen, and putting us in a quiet corner to pause and reflect when necessary – during times of difficulty or sorrow.

I have often heard people explain that times of silence and sorrow provided an opportunity to really connect with themselves. Silence is a space of selfawareness and growth, it allows our inner voice – often drowned out by louder, more pressing ones – to be heard. It helps us to hear and therefore process our emotions.

Though not easy, I believe it can often be a blessing in

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disguise to welcome sorrow, as it is during these times that we are most able to find a moment of real self-reflection.

In today’s chaotic world, this moment can be hard to come by. Our days start with noise and end with hundreds of thoughts and unfished to-do lists. To fit into the society we have created, we often blindly follow its expectations, to the point where we are overwhelmed and exhausted. Doing this occupies us mentally, emotionally and physically, yet it distracts from important inner work. The less quiet time we dedicate to ourselves, the more we feel a void. The busier we are, the more we are left seeking real connection, a reason for being.

Katie’s method of self-reflection, which she terms ‘The Work’ is a simple process of thought enquiry that can quickly get to the heart of our inner voice. In the words of Eckhart Tolle, ‘it acts like a razor-sharp sword that cuts through the illusion and enables you to know yourself and the timeless essence of your being’.

She suggests that whenever we have a thought,

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feeling or story that weighs on us – perhaps that we are not truly loved by someone, that we will not achieve our dreams or that something bad is likely to happen – we pause and ask four questions concerning that thought: Is It True?

Can You Absolutely Know It’s True? l How Do You React When You Believe That Thought? l Who Would You Be Without the Thought? l l

Stressful thoughts belong to us all. Unless we are mindful, they can easily influence or overwhelm our decisions and choices. We cannot always drop ideas and opinions, but we can shine a light on those thoughts, question them and weed out the genuine issues from the unfounded fears. In doing this we become aware and selective about where we place our energy. It’s not about changing anything; it’s all about holding up a mirror to our internal narrative and seeing

what is really there.

If you want to live without the suffering of your thoughts, I really recommend doing ‘The Work’. I have found it to be especially helpful in areas where you might find yourself feeling defensive or unsure what is right. These four questions will bring more clarity and growth. The answers will liberate you and help you find your frequency, genuine admiration, passion, and authenticity. An aware mind can see things clearly, freed from the cloud of innumerable thoughts and judgments.

We need to find time for self-reflection, to observe and honour the power of our mind and its imagination.

Only then can we recognise our realities to lead a fulfilling life. Once we are conscious of ourselves, everything around us starts making more sense. My own self-help voyage has taught me to aim at a growth mindset. Reassurance is all our inner self needs, love yourself and the rest will follow. As Byron Katie said, ‘it’s not your job to like me; it’s mine.’

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‘I am not what happened to me, I am what I choose to become’

IMAGE : PEXELS/ENRIC CRUZ LÒPEZ

C.G. Jung

The power of silence 16

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In a world filled with noise, it can be hard to find peace in the silence. Katie Scott explores our relationship with stillness and why the quieter we became, the more we hear

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here was a moment when I was in my twenties when I realised I was terrified by silence. I found myself sitting in the middle of an empty room. My long-term partner had left and with him, most of the furniture.

It wasn’t even real silence. The background hum of East London life was there, as always, but in my space, there was no conversation and no movement.

It was unnerving but I was scared to break it. I sat, cross-legged, and held my breath.

In the weeks that followed, I had a constant stream of friends visit and stay over. I avoided coming home if I was to be alone. Now, years later, as a mother of four emerging from months of homeschooling, I found myself yearning for the silence that years before I had steadfastly avoided.

On the first day that I had an empty house, I opened the front door and stood for a minute in the hallway. Again – there wasn’t absolute silence – there are few, if any, places in the world where there can be.

I noted the gurgle of the dishwasher; the faint hum of a lawnmower; the low thrum of cars; birdsong; ducks arguing on the pond; and my breathing. After just an hour, I noticed that my hearing had become more acute. I heard the rustle of birds in the eaves of our home and the creak of a tree outside my window. It was, as explorer and author Erling Kagge suggests in his book Silence in the Age of Noise, by cutting out some of the noise of life, I could hear better. He describes a moment on the ice of Antarctica when he realised: ‘The quieter I became, the more I heard’.

The desert was not silent, it was full of small but constant noises, and his presence added to the quiet cacophony.

An hour into my study of the sounds around me, however, I craved more noise and I missed

conversation. I sought out my dog just to be able to speak to someone. Although my space was the quietest it had been for months, the noise in my head was overwhelming. Kagge admits, ‘I often chose to do anything else rather than fill the silence with myself.’ A fear of silence is a fear of getting to know ourselves better, he continues. A study carried out by a team at the University of Virginia, US, and reported in Science journal, detailed how participants chose to give themselves an electric shock whilst sitting in an empty room with no distractions. They chose pain over surrendering to inactivity and silence. I hope I would have been able to sit for the 15 minutes required from the participants but I do recognise that even when I can be quiet, often I’m not. I will turn the radio on, hum to myself or call someone – the noise moves with me from room to room. Silence is uncomfortable and scary. It makes me feel lonely. It forces me to listen to the noise of my thoughts.

Entrepreneur and author, Vijay Eswaran argues in his book, The Sphere of Silence, that, however painful the process, we need to build moments of silence into our lives to do just this. We have to listen to our thoughts to order them. He advocates spending an hour, ideally, in the morning, when you sit away from the bustle of life and don’t talk. In this time, he sets goals; reads; notes what he has read; and then spends ten minutes simply being mindful.

He explains in an article in the Harvard Business Review: ‘The approach is entirely up to you, but the objective of this segment is to be present and pay attention to your feelings. The added benefit of silence is it acts as a natural filter to your thoughts.

It gives you time to think about what you are feeling and what those feelings mean to you.’

Eswaran will admit that stillness is an art form – a

By cutting out some of the noise of life, I could hear better – the quieter I became, the more I heard 18

IMAGES PREVIOUS PAGE : PEXELS/MARIA ORLOVA/MATHIAS PR REDING. THIS PAGE: PEXELS/TATIANA SYRIKOVA

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IMAGE: UNSPLASH/TAISIIA STUPAK

Stillness is an art form – a skill – and it requires practice. You know that you are closer to it when you stop reacting to things around it

skill – and it requires practice. ‘The way that you know that you are closer to it, is when you stop reacting to things around it, and begin to respond,’ he says. ‘The difference between reacting and responding is detachment. Mastering the art of silence allows you to master detachment.’

Even if you are not someone who is scared by the chaos of their own thoughts, you may still find yourself avoiding silence driven simply by the basic human need for interaction. We are social creatures. In this day and age, we have the potential to never be alone. Our interactions may not always be personal, meaningful or, indeed, reciprocal – a glance at Instagram for example – but they are interactions nevertheless. Two minutes on your phone to check emails or like a comment on Facebook, and you feel connected and not alone. It’s all noise and, as Kagge bluntly states, as a result, ‘silence is almost extinct’.

Antarctica is a place only a lucky few will visit, but there is a mindblowing number of silent retreats offered all over the world to cater to every need. Whilst recognising the merit of these sanctuaries, Kagge questions whether we need to travel to a quiet place to find silence. He describes how he achieves silence even when washing the dishes at home or on his half an hour stroll to work. He has taught himself to find silence within himself and surrender to it totally. ‘Sure, we are all part of the same continent,’ he writes: ‘but the potential wealth of being an island for yourself is something you carry around with you all the time.’

Like his fellow author, Kagge admits achieving inner silence is difficult but says that most people underestimate themselves. He adds that yoga and meditation are great tools towards achieving this goal, but are also not necessary. ‘It doesn’t have to be complicated’, he says, and there are no set paths. You simply have to try.

Clarity of thought is an immediate benefit, says Eswaran, but the impact can also be physical. He explains: ‘The thing that kills today more than any other disease on the planet is something that is

rarely spoken about. In fact, it is not even fully understood, and has no particular cure nor medication for it, and that is stress. Simply put, stress kills. Stress leads to all types of health conditions ranging from hypertension and heart disease to mental health issues such as depression and anxiety, which take a toll on physical health.’

He argues that learning how to cultivate a level of detachment is possible using a consistent practice of silence – and this mitigates stress.

Kagge points to the rising number of people suffering from loneliness when there is more noise in the world than ever. Silence offers a chance to get to know ourselves better, he argues, and therefore become less scared of being alone.

After months of enforced isolation, for many Kagge’s words may ring hollow. We are all desperately seeking company after being denied it.

Schools, streets, offices and parks are all bustling again – life is everywhere. But perhaps this is an opportunity to recognise that there was a benefit in being forced to stay quiet in quieter places.

Perhaps, as we slip back to normality, we may recognise that silence is a luxury; it has value, power and boundless benefits. I turn off the radio and my phone. My thoughts still bustle and shout, but I try to order and calm them. One of Eswaran’s comments rises above the noise: ‘Silence is beautiful if you care enough to listen to it.’

Silence in the Age of Noise Erling Kagge

In the Sphere of Silence Vijay Eswaran

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‘I am better off healed than I ever was unbroken’

IMAGES: PEXELS/DRIGO DINIZ

Beth Moore

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Giving birth is often conveyed as either a magical day or something to be feared. Neither is really true, but these beliefs can cause serious problems later on. In this honest account, Laura Bicknell explores the relationshi p between birth trauma and unmet expectations…

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y first birth was not something I especially want to repeat. Except for the obvious upside of having my daughter, it was an event filled with fear, disappointment, anger. Having planned to have a home birth, I ended up instead, three weeks overdue, in the main birthing unit at my local hospital.

I desperately didn’t want to be there. Everything in my body was telling me to be afraid, and everything in my brain knew that being terrified was the worst state to be in.

Fast-forward several chaotic, overwhelming hours and a catalogue of intervention later and my daughter was born by emergency c-section, less than nine hours after my waters had broken. I had tears in my eyes as she was pulled from me – and not happy tears. As I was wheeled into the operating theatre, I had looked at my husband and said: 'How did we get here?' He shook his head.

Of course, moments later, my perfect little girl burst into the world, all 6lbs and 15ozs of her, fighting fit and

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crying her little lungs out. Everything else flooded away and she was here, and we were there, and it was now us three and that was enough.

LASTING DAMAGE

Days, weeks, months, years later, my feelings about this birth experience ebbed and flowed. I found new motherhood hard, and alienating, and I was scared a lot of the time. I was triggered by stories of other women’s homebirths or easy labours. I obsessed about the post-natal care that friends who lived abroad had experienced, and compared it to what had happened for me.

I remained angry about how my daughter was born, how it had got so quickly out of control, how totally powerless I felt. In my darkest moments, I told myself that I hadn’t birthed ‘properly’ because my daughter had been born surgically, not ‘naturally’. I felt unworthy as a mother, a failed amateur surrounded by more powerful, all-woman birthing superheroes.

HORMONES

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IMAGES: PEXELS

As time went on, I settled into motherhood tempered my anger with gratitude, constantly reminded that sometimes birth can go horribly wrong. How lucky we were that this didn’t happen. I told myself that I could learn from this experience. Next time, would be different.

OUT OF CONTROL

My experiences are not unique. The Birth Trauma Association (BTA) says that at least 30,000 women a year in the UK experience birth trauma; while in America at least 200,000 women have a birth story that they find hard to tell. In addition, between two and six per cent of women experience PTSD following childbirth and more than twice that number report feeling traumatised by their birth experience.

The reasons for experiencing trauma in birth can be from something as relatively common as a drop in heartrate (which happened to me) or an emergency c-section (also me); or something rarer, such as an injury to you or your baby.

However, when it comes to birth trauma, a lot of it can also be down to how you were made to feel, or what you expected to happen. 'Birth can be beautiful and spiritual and joyous but there are also terrifying, emotionally raw, painful moments that can be difficult to move past,' says psychologist and birth trauma expert Maureen Campion.

Nowadays, birth trauma has been linked to needing intervention during labour; a baby needing medical

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attention after the birth; a previous birth trauma; birth not matching expectations; a difficult labour and complications; or inadequate care during and after birth.

BIRTH MISCONCEPTIONS

In a digital age when information is so readily available, we are assailed with information about the ideal birth, the perfect birth, the natural birth, the drug-free birth, the easy birth, the home birth, the hypnobirth and so on. On social media birth announcements are peppered with references to a labour that lasted many days or a birth that was endured without any pain relief. Badges of honour and war wounds go hand in hand with the all-important names and dates and weights.

'Before names and onesies, there will be a birth.

Women prepare for birth. Some spend hours on the internet. Some take classes and diet and do yoga and meditate. Some deny and ignore and bury their head in the sand… but they too are preparing,’ says Campion.

‘Women want their birth to be safe. They want their baby to be healthy. They want their experience to be uncomplicated and predictable. They don’t really expect it to be painless but they want to be brave and dignified as they face the pain. And for most women, if they could, they would have it be beautiful. Soft and serene and peaceful and loving and magical. That is how we picture birth. That is how they sell it.’

Looking back, I hadn’t realised how this narrative had

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weaved its way into my psyche. I hadn’t realised that part of my feelings of failure were because I was told that birth with no interventions was the only goal. I had spent so long reading about the theory of birth, that I spent virtually no time preparing for the physical challenges of birth. I hadn’t practised breathing, I didn’t know how to ‘go within’ to channel my own instinctive strength, I didn’t know to work with my body, so I fought against it.

BETTER INFORMED

‘Giving women the facts about different modes of delivery while they are pregnant isn’t scary, it’s empowering,' says Rebecca Moore, a psychologist who founded the Make Births Better campaign. ‘Women are capable of making up their own minds, but rarely are they properly informed about risks and treatment when it comes to birth.’

The language we use around birth, and a stretched system that refuses to acknowledge female agency over their own bodies, creates an atmosphere in which we are doomed to ‘fail’. Paralysed by fear and expectation we are then thrust into a system that is under-resourced and over-stretched. In the absence of the kind of continuity of care needed to support and empower us with information, we enter the birthing process already on a considerable back foot. This then creates a situation where we feel a lack of control, and a sense that this birth was not something we participated in, but something which was done to us, leaving us at a higher risk of experience trauma, or even developing PTSD. ‘The whole system contributes to trauma,’ adds Moore.

‘Often women are being cared for by frontline staff, who are doing their job but not with much compassion, because they are burnt out,’ she recently told BBC Future.

It is common for women to report feeling fearful, helpless or unheard during their birth. Afterwards, shock, guilt or numbness can also be accompanied by panic attacks, and even a difficulty bonding with your baby.

Midwife visits, along with family and friends, then force us to relive the trauma, in a way we wouldn’t expect any other trauma survivor to do.

CHANGING THE NARRATIVE

For me, resetting the long-held trauma I had from my first birth eventually came three and a half years later, with the birth of my twin boys. Determined that this experience would be different, I enrolled in a powerful hypnobirthing course run by working midwives whose goal was not to sell us a false dream, but to empower us with information, so we could make informed, confident

decisions at every point in our labour. We discussed previous births, explored misconceptions and considered why, and how, things had turned out the way they did.

In addition, we practised numerous breathing techniques, visualisations and relaxation triggers can help us deal with any situation in birth. We also talked about how to manage different types of pain relief; what we can ask for, how to speak to consultants and questions to ask.

When my waters broke at 36 weeks, there was the very real possibility that history was to repeat itself. When we arrived at the delivery suite I remembered the cold, uninviting room, one big bed and one small uncomfortable chair, bright lights, lots of medical equipment, a cold, hard floor. It had shocked me last time, but this time was different. I was expecting this and I was prepared for it. I used everything I knew to create a space I wanted to be in, I asked for what I needed, I controlled the situation and I was in charge.

Later I had conversations with consultants where I felt fully engaged in decisions. At every stage, I felt informed and involved. When my twins were born, it was calmly, and with joy and anticipation in my heart. Two little souls, bursting into the world and into the arms of a mother who was peaceful, contented, expectant.

SIMPLE STEPS FOR PROCESSING BIRTH TRAUMA l WRITE IT DOWN: Use a journaling exercise to tell your story, at first, write it just for yourself. l SHARE YOUR STORY: Read your story to a friend, trusted therapist, support group, partner or a family member. Re-storying your birth allows it to move safely into the past. l SEEK SUPPORT: Consider therapies such as Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) which works with changing the way you think about an event; and Eye Movement Desensitisation Reprogramming (EMDR) a relatively quick way to process

past trauma, and especially effective with PTSD. l REWIND THERAPY: Using visualisations to allow you to get to a place of deep relaxation, Rewind Therapy takes memories which have been created during trauma, and allows you to process the trauma calmly, transferring it from short-term memory to l ong term memory. l BE MINDFUL ON BIRTHDAYS: Birthdays are an anniversary of a trauma. Allow yourself to acknowledge the pain of this moment or day, and be kind to yourself.

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‘People start to heal the moment they feel heard’

IMAGES: PEXELS/JOAQUIN M

Cheryl Richardson

SELF

This too shall pass

IMAGE: PEXELS

The stages of grief are well known, but what abo ut the journey through those stages? How can we mindfully and consciously navigate the pain of anger, denial and acceptance in a way that heals our broken hearts, and makes a way forward seem possible?

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SLUG HERE

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IMAGE: UNSPLASH/YURA LYTKIN

SELF

‘ Should you shield the canyons from the windstorms you would never see the true beauty of their carvings ’ ELISABETH KÜBLER-ROSS

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IMAGES: PEXELS

rief is an inevitable part of being human. The price we pay for love and connection is the aching loss when this is no longer around. And yet for all the inevitability and universality of grief, it still takes us by shock.

For many, grief is often so raw and so big it feels too painful to sit in, which is why denial is often the first stage of grief that we turn to. Feeling loss like this can be so heavy that you cannot face it all the time. You have to pick it up, in stages, and then put it down again. Denial can be about not really facing that someone is gone, or even a simple denial of the pain that this loss has caused.

Sadly, many people never move out of this state. The numbness of denial is preferrable to the pain of loss, especially in a world where we continue to hide grief from public view.

‘We often hide our pain from the world, wrapping it in a secret mantle of shame,’ says psychotherapist Francis Weller, the author of The Wild Edge of Sorrow. ‘This causes sorrow to linger unexpressed in our bodies, weighing us down and pulling us into the territory of depression and death. We have come to fear grief and feel too alone to face an encounter with the powerful energies of sorrow.’

And yet, the only way out, is through. Unresolved grief accounts for at least 15 per cent of mental health disorders, because our minds and bodies have to actually physically metabolise our grief to cope with it. ‘Grieving is an actual evolutionary need, since attachment and connection is embedded within our limbic circuitry,’ explains Jennifer Wolkin on mindful.com. ‘Whether we are conscious of it or not, or like it or not, relationships deeply imprint upon our neuronal selves.’

And when that relationship is changed by death, the loss of it must be thoroughly felt within us. ‘When our grief cannot be spoken, it falls into the shadow and re-arises in us as symptoms,’ explains Weller. ‘So many of us are depressed, anxious, and lonely. We struggle with addictions and find ourselves moving at a breathless pace, trying to keep up with the machinery of culture.’

To heal, we must feel. And that means connecting with the

most painful part of ourselves, in a world that is hurrying us to get on with it and get over it. ‘If you don’t carve out some time for yourself to be present with yourself and your breath you will likely keep suppressing all the emotions that deserve to be felt, until they one day inevitably overflow and you may not have the coping mechanism in place to support yourself through it,’ says mindful grief coach Tahnee Knowles, who turned to mindfulness as a way to navigate through grief when her second son died shortly after birth.

Mindfulness is heavily linked to the idea of impermanence, a Buddhist concept that encourages us to focus less on the past and the future, and more on the present moment. We know that each moment is fleeting (or impermanent), and we can sit in that space – in the pain of it, or the joy of it – without guilt or fear. This too shall pass, so for now, until it does, we sit here.

‘To grieve mindfully is to be fully present in your experience of grief,’ says Knowles. ‘An example of this is when an uncomfortable thought arises rather than pushing it down and suppressing it you make room for it. Allowing yourself compassion and understanding for feeling the way you do and not forcing yourself to feel any other emotion that the one is arising at that moment in time.’

When we think about this in relation to grief, it means that we are able to allow the stages of grief to move through us, without fighting them. We know that pain and sorrow, like life, is temporary. We know it will be there, and then, one day it won’t be. And then, it will return, and later leave again.

Adopting mindfulness can also help you to cope with the feeling that the rest of the world has moved on without you.

‘How can everyone continue to walk around as normal when everything for us feels so wrong?’ asks Knowles. ‘We sometimes keep going just to catch up and keep up with the world around us and the reality is, most of us have no choice but to continue.’ Carving out some time for yourself each day to sit with the grief, and no distractions, is what will allow you the space to live in the world as it is, while grieving an enormous loss.

While we are sitting in these moments of pain, which can feel all-consuming, we can use mindfulness practises, such as meditation, breathing, yoga, walking in nature and journaling to support us in our grief.

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Learn to get in touch with the silence within yourself.’

ELISABETH KÜBLER-ROSS

Silence

To the newly bereaved, silence can be terrifying. Our friends and family circle around us, making sure we are never alone. But this can mean we also never have real time to grieve as deeply as we need to. Sitting in our silence, focusing on the breath is a process of hollowing out to create the space we need to see what is emerging for us. ‘Silence is a practice of emptying, of letting go,’ says Weller. ‘Our work is to make ourselves receptive… to feel the deep ache of loss, the bittersweet reminders of all that we loved, the piercing artifacts of betrayal, and the sheer truth of impermanence.’

TRY: Diaphragmatic Breathing Meditation.

Sit up straight in a cross-legged position, relax your muscles, and find a focal point in front of you. Start counting your breaths on the exhalation - focus on your body, air coming in and out and counting. Acknowledge thoughts as they appear, and then let them go. This takes practice, so each time you do your breathing, focus on the letting go, not the fact that you are besieged by external thoughts. The more you do this, the more you will be able to filter out the thoughts you want, and eventually sit in quiet stillness, allowing space for your feelings of grief to work its way through you.

S e l fCompassion People will offer all sort of kindness towards you when you’re grieving, but it is the loving kindness you show to yourself that is the most important. Especially if you are someone who is struggling with acceptance and being critical of your ‘progress’ through grief. ‘When we have a physical wound we tend to it,’ says Knowles. ‘It’s important to acknowledge grief as such. I see self-care as a form of wound cleansing. If you have a bad cut you will clean it before dressing it to help it heal, you don’t just bandage up without ensuring the correct preparation is done to enable the best possible healing.’

Mindfulness meditation that focuses on self-love and self-care can be really important here. You can also focus compassion and kindness towards the person who has died, which allows you to continue that relationship with someone you love, after they have died.

TRY: Finding a Mantra. Find some words that truly speak to you about loss, grief, love. Use words that you can easily remember and that make you feel safe and supported. You want to create a mantra that you can say silently, or out loud, that helps you to keep moving forward to acceptance. A type of mantra to recite to yourself silently, or out loud, that helps you move toward accepting these words as true. Knowles’ mantra helps her to acknowledge her love for her son, and creates a space for grieving, while helping her to keep moving forward. ‘Grief is love with nowhere to go. For as long as I love I will grieve. I choose to nurture it and provide it a safe space to flourish, forever a part of me and always with me.’

Grief is necessary to the vitality of the soul.’

FRANCIS WELLER

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SELF

Movement

Sometimes it can be hard to find the words you need, or the quiet space you want to let your grief move through you. We are physical beings and our pain is felt in our body, as much as in our mind. At these times, movement can be a supportive, and powerful resource.

Whether that’s walking outside, doing yoga, or learning a dance – rhythm is a great way to access hidden pain – when you move you allow the mind to quieten down and the truth of your body’s language to speak. For pain that has been buried deep, movement can unlock the door to feeling, and ultimately acceptance.

TRY: Mindful Walking. Walking in nature can help you to face the unthreatening reality of the natural cycle of life and death, seen in plants, earth, trees and animals.

And to connect with the beauty of the natural world.

Start outside, and spend a couple of minutes standing still, feeling your feet on the earth. With your eyes closed, pay attention to what you can discern through your other senses. Finally open your eyes and allow this sense to take in all that is around you – think about colour, shape, texture, detail. Once you start walking, shift your weight from foot to foot, and your attention from one sense to another. Keep doing this as other thoughts come in, let them swirl around, always keeping your attention on the process of walking and sensing what is around you.

Grief is alive, wild, untamed and cannot be domesticated. It resists the demands to remain passive and still. We move in jangled, unsettled, and riotous ways when grief takes hold of us. It is truly an emotion that rises from the soul.’

FRANCIS WELLER

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‘To close your eyes will not ease another’s pain’

IMAGE: PEXELS/FILLVLAD

Chinese Proverb

Good found ations From coping with trauma to forming bonds of attachment that can serve us for the rest of our lives, our childhood experiences and our parenting can both help and hinder us as we navigate through the trials of life. Emma Johnson explores why these really are the formative years…

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PARENTING

M

ajor events, trauma and even the way we are parented as babies and young children can create a ripple effect that impacts our behaviour and mental health for decades, and even repeats when we become parents ourselves.

The foundations we are given, or not given, can shape the jobs we do, the relationships we have, how we cope with adversity and whether we are more prone to addictive or destructive behaviours. How we are protected from, or supported through, trauma can equally have enormous repercussions. Effectively, the adults we become are a direct product of the children we were. ‘We are but a link in a chain stretching back through millennia and forward until who knows when,’ says Philippa Perry in her seminal book The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read.

This can be challenging for many reasons, and often painful to confront, but reaching back into the past, sometimes even to a generation or two before you, can provide the answers and clarity that is desperately needed to help you break the cycle of trauma.

‘You unconsciously carry the feelings, symptoms, behaviours, or hardships of an earlier member of your

family system as if these were your own,’ explains Mark Wolynn in It Didn’t Start with You: How Inherited Family Trauma Shapes Who We Are and How to End the Cycle. Wolynn suggests that not only can past traumas lead us to behave in a certain way, perhaps even deeply affecting the family dynamic into which a new baby is born, and must then survive, but certain traumatic events can alter a person’s genetic code or DNA, while the stress of trauma can also cause our brains to change.

He cites instances of the grandchildren of holocaust survivors reporting subconscious fears of death, or phobias of being trapped and unable to breathe, while also sharing the findings from studies that showed lower cortisol levels in people who experienced PTSD, suggesting that this genetic trait could be passed down.

It’s a radical idea, but one echoed by Dr Bruce Perry, who explains in his book What Happened to You? Conversations on Trauma, Resilience, and Healing that every experience we have is logged in a personal ‘codebook’ in our brain, which then goes onto shape us as adults. If we don’t deal with these traumas, we then pass this codebook onto our children, and they onto theirs, and so on. The cycle continues.

‘When we’re trying to understand trauma there is one

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IMAGES: UNSPLASH

The core of parenting is the relationship you have with your child.

If people are plants, the relationship is the soil’ PHILIPPA PERRY essential question to ask: What happened to you?

And especially, what happened to you when you were very young?’ asks Perry. ‘Deciphering your own personal codebook will help you to understand seemingly inexplicable reactions and survival mechanisms that evolved to help keep you safe.’

The trauma children experience at a young age can have a lasting, and dramatic impact. Adverse childhood experiences (ACEs) are potentially traumatic events that occur in childhood. They obviously include some of things you would expect – such as experiencing or witnessing violence, abuse, or neglect – as well as things such as the death of a family member, mental health problems, poverty, racism and divorce.

ACEs are linked to chronic health problems, mental illness, and substance use in adulthood, but can even have a negative impact on education, job opportunities, and earning potential. Crucially, they are a severe cause of ‘toxic stress’ – a phenomenon which creates an excess of cortisol and adversely

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affects how a child’s brain develops.

Toxic stress and trauma go hand-in-hand, but this kind of stress reaction can even be created as far back as the very beginning stages of infancy. Babies’ brains are incredibly reactive, developing at 20,000 new neurons per second. All our experiences are stored in our brain, even if they appear later on as incidences that we don’t fully remember or understand.

It’s easy to discount the experiences of children as being unimportant because ‘they won’t remember’ and ‘are resilient’. However everything that happens to them is retained in some way, and resilience is something we learn from a safe and secure foundation, not something we are born with.

‘The capacity to love seems as natural as the capacity to breathe,’ says Dr Perry. ‘But actually, it’s something we have to learn from our earliest days. If you’ve never been loved you simply won’t know how to do it.’

Philippa Perry explains how vital it is to create solid foundations for small babies, so they learn to

PARENTING

see the world as a safe, loving place, where they feel they belong. ‘Whatever calamities befall them in life, they will be less easily knocked off course and they will recover more quickly if they have always felt like they belong and they are lovable.’

This is known as secure attachment and includes our approach to infant sleep, the mother-child bond and how we respond to our baby’s cries.

While secure attachment is the goal, if children don’t feel a bond with their mother, if they are forced into sleep training and being left to cry, many children will instead form dismissive, insecure or avoidant attachment, leading to them to believe they will always be ignored, lonely, unable to form trusting relationships, lacking in empathy and so on. These children have never had their basic needs of tenderness and care met, and so they cannot grow up resilient and loving, because they simply haven’t been given the foundation from which to learn these things.

The impact of this inability to love and protect yourself is enormous. Children in crisis develop coping mechanisms designed to protect them from harm and to fill the void left by an absence of love and attachment. ‘What I’ve learned from talking to so many victims of traumatic events, abuse, or neglect is that after absorbing these painful experiences, the child begins to ache. A deep longing to feel needed, validated, and valued begins to take hold. As these children grow, they lack the ability to set a standard for what they deserve. And if that lack is not addressed, what often follows is a complicated, frustrating pattern of self-sabotage, violence, promiscuity, or addiction,’ says Dr Perry.

Addressing that lack, unpicking the past so you can heal in the present is vital. Not only for you, but for the generations that come after you. The things we have experienced in our childhood will come through in our own parenting – these events or moments from our childhood can have decades of repercussions.

But we can always change. We can’t erase what has happened to us, but we learn to cultivate resilience, despite them. Instead of ignoring our pain, which only deepens it, we need to expose it, make peace with it, and then allow it to move on.

‘By developing a relationship with the painful parts of ourselves – parts we have often inherited from our family – we have an opportunity to shift them.

Qualities like cruelty can become the source of our kindness; our judgments can forge the foundation of our compassion,’ says Wolynn.

FURTHER READING If you are interested in connecting with, and healing, your own childhood trauma, or working to prevent the same thing happening with your children, the following reading list provides guided exercises to help explore your past, parenting suggestions and a deeper look into the impact of trauma on our ability to live a whole-hearted, authentic life, and the tools to support you in overcoming it. l The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read (and Your Children Will Be Glad That You Did) (2019) by Philippa Perry

What Happened to You?: Conversations on Trauma, Resilience, and Healing (2021) by Oprah Winfrey & Dr Bruce Perry l

l It Didn’t Start With You: How Inherited Family Trauma Shapes Who We Are and How to End The Cycle (2016) by Mark Wolynn

Mother Hunger: How Adult Daughters Can Understand and Heal from Lost Nurturance, Protection, and Guidance (2021) by Kelly McDaniel l

l Childhood Disrupted: How Your Biography Becomes Your Biology, and How You Can Heal (2016) by Donna Jackson Nakazawa

13 Things Mentally Strong Parents Don’t Do: Raising Self-Assured Children and Training Their Brains for a Life of Happiness, Meaning, and Success (2017)

by Amy Morin l

l Elevating Child Care: A Guide to Respectful Parenting (2014) by Janet Lansbury

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‘The body remembers.

Stuffed until an event, a sound, a sight, a touch, a word, or a person awakens them’ Unknown

IMAGE:PEXELS

LIFE

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TRIGGERS

Trigger Wa r n i n g From classrooms to social media posts, we are constantly being warned about ‘ triggering ’ information. But what is a trigger?

And how can you understand and manage your own?

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nce, terms such as ‘gaslighting’, ‘boundaries’ and ‘triggering’ were seldom heard outside of a therapists’ office. Today, friends, magazines and social media will alert you to ‘red flags’, ‘overstepping boundaries’ or a ‘denying of your reality’. While a greater awareness of psychology is certainly a welcome change to past eras, there is a risk that some of these terms can be watered down or used in the wrong context. Triggering is a prime example. Now an overused word, especially on social media, being triggered doesn’t simply mean something you’ve seen or heard has made you feel bad, uncomfortable, jealous or sad. These things are hard to cope with, they might even be termed ‘emotional triggers’, but they are not real, traumatic triggers. Feeling triggered isn’t about a disagreement or your day not going well (just as OCD isn’t simply ‘liking things tidy’), it is being taken back to a moment of deep trauma by something external.

Real trauma stays with us. Sometimes – though not always – we remember what happened, the specific details, the shock, the

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fear. But trauma is also a physical reaction in our bodies.

Following trauma, it is possible for us to be triggered and effectively taken back to that moment when the trauma occurred. A traumatic trigger can actually make someone feel like they’re experiencing the trauma all over again, or – in the case of people recovering from substance abuse or eating disorders – can prompt cravings or dangerous behaviour. Even though we are far from the danger of the original event, something – a song, a loud bang – can take us straight back to that moment in our minds. It is problematic because we believe the event is happening all over again, and the anxiety or pain it creates for us can be difficult to cope with if we are triggered a lot.

Triggers of this kind are so powerful because, when we experience trauma, our bodies put us into ‘fight or flight mode’, shutting down anything non-essential and doing everything it can to keep us safe. This includes temporarily suspending the short-term memory function, causing our brains to store the experience of this event as a still-present threat, rather than merely a memory. So, when something happens to remind us of this event, it is not only the memory that returns, but every feeling we had while it was happening. In effect, we believe we are back there again, so we relive this trauma through flashbacks, physical sensations and our emotions over and over again.

Triggers exist both within us, and around us, and both emotional and traumatic triggers can come from anywhere.

Externally, being triggered is a minefield. The music playing during an assault, for instance, can take a person right back to the event, as could the scent of incense burning or the smell of perfume or aftershave. Seasons, times of year, anniversaries and times of day can all be very triggering; so too can a person or place connected to an event. Movies, television, news stories and social media could contain content that sparks a memory, while personal experiences shared on social media can do the same.

Internally, we might be triggered by a memory or an emotion – such as anxiety, anger, loneliness, fear or sadness. Or you might be triggered by a physical feeling. For instance, if you’re running and your heart is pounding, it might conjure feelings of running away from an assault, or how you felt in the aftermath a car crash.

‘Most of the things that trigger this fight or flight response are internal,’ explains psychotherapist Anna Mathur. ‘It is down to the way we think about situations, and how we brace ourselves when we feel threatened by something. Our body is wired to believe that these situations are real, and so acts accordingly. We often feel waves of fear, grief, sadness, terror and loss, even though that thing hasn’t, or may never happen.’

When we take these traumatic experiences into our imaginations, experiencing things that are not there, we can start to lose our sense of what is real. ‘Trauma affects our imagination… traumatised people have a tendency to superimpose their trauma on everything around them, and have trouble deciphering whatever is going on around them,’ explains Bessel Van Der Kolk

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“I think this man is suffering from memories” Sigmund Freud (1895) in his ground-breaking book, The Body Keeps Score: Mind, Brain and Body in the Transformation of Trauma.

Van Der Kolk explains that the impact of trauma on our imagination is very serious. Our ability as humans to use our imagination is what allows us the space to leave our daily routine to imagine a more hopeful future, new possibilities, making our dreams a reality. Imagination, says Van Der Kolk, is an essential launchpad for making our hopes and dreams come true, but when people are compulsively and constantly pulled back into the past, their connection to their imagination fails, and without imagination, there is no hope, no chance to envision a better future.

‘Traumatised people look at the world in a fundamentally different way from other people. For most of us, a man coming down the street is just someone taking a walk around. A rape victim, however, may see a person who is about to molest her and go into a panic. A stern school teacher may be an intimidating presence to an average kid, but for a child whose stepfather beats him up, she may represent a torturer and precipitate a rage attack or a terrify cowering in the corner.’

Clearly, it is impossible to avoid triggers. Even if we did want

TRIGGERS

IMAGES: PEXELS

COPING TECHNIQUES FOR TRIGGERING MOMENTS

to become hermits, our minds and bodies won’t let us forget our trauma or emotional fragility. Our brains know that these events are important, and they want to keep them front and centre, always on high alert, to keep us safe. However triggers can also be the key to unlocking our trauma, they can shine a light on what is really going on for our subsconscious.

Therapy, time, meditation and working through trauma can help these events to shrink, and help us to understand them better. But, each day, for anyone living with trauma, and triggers, recognising your triggers and developing coping strategies are vital.

‘Recognising your triggers enables you to gain control over this runaway train,’ says Mathur. ‘When you notice your thoughts pick up speed, or your heart racing and breath getting shallower, you can use certain techniques to help re-ground and calm.’

It’s likely you’ll already know some of your triggers. Thinking of moments when you’re reminded of trauma, or when feelings of rage, fear or envy are heightened, and then writing down what triggered them will help you to look out for them. Think about the situations you find most challenging – what thoughts, feeling, physical sensations do you have? There’s no limit to how many you might have. This process of acknowledging your triggers helps in itself, as you’ll be more aware of them in the future, and also being able to move forward with more of a sense of control over that ‘runaway train’ of triggering emotions and experiences.

Simple breathing exercises can really help with panic attacks or when you feel your body moving into that fight or flight mode. Learn a couple of timed breathing practises you can do anywhere, and work at them so they become second nature.

You might also find simple strength or ‘power moves’ helpful to shake yourself up and to physically move beyond that trigger. Yoga and pilates are good for this, but even dance moves, a series of simple slow stretches or a standing pose to ground you coupled with your breathing can help too. It might help, if appropriate, to take off your shoes, and let your feet connect with the earth or the floor.

Focus on the sensations of the soles of your feet and what they can feel underfoot, breathe and keep turning your attention back to your feet on the ground.

Connect with the other senses too.

If a certain smell is triggering, find one that does the opposite and always have a small bottle of this in essential oil form with you. If there are sounds – birds, waves, the jungle, or songs or classical music which steadies you, save them as a favourite on your music player, or quick link.

Visualisations are another way to reset the state you find yourself in. Grief psychotherapist Julia Samuels suggests this simple exercise if a disturbing or triggering image keeps appearing in your mind. Imagine the scene on a television, take three deep breaths, then consciously change the channel and put a positive image on screen. Take three more deep breaths, then turn the television off and shift your attention to something else.

Find some peer support too. Shared experiences can be wonderful for removing the taboo around something and allowing you to talk it out. Creating a safe network of people – it doesn’t have to be many, just a few – that you can contact when you feel you are triggered and spiralling is a bit like having a safety net.

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‘The ones who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones that do ‘

IMAGE : PEXELS/ANNA ILINA

Steve Jobs

LONELINESS

B a b y i t ’s cold outside What to do when the festive season doesn’ t feel like the most wonderful time of the year. By Beth Kempton

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or me, the days leading up to Christmas Day have been the hardest in the past.

It’s a dark, rainy night in the second week of December, and my head is resting against the filthy window of a double-decker bus while I watch the raindrops falling down the glass at the end of a long day. I’m a postgraduate student in Bath, riding the top deck back to my flat after class.

The bus stops for a moment, and the raindrops take on an orange glow. They are reflecting the light from chandeliers blazing through the night from the second-floor drawing room of one of the elegant Georgian houses on the hill. I see the silhouettes of a woman in a dress and a man holding a glass of wine by one window, and a group of people chatting and laughing by another. It’s a storybook scene, and I am the reader, unable to make my way into the page and participate. I can’t tell whether the knot in my stomach is hunger or longing. Not for a Georgian drawing room and chandeliers, but simply for an invitation.

I felt so lonely that year. Utterly absorbed in my studies, I had made few friends outside of class. I was single and living on a tight budget. Everything about the countdown to Christmas in that beautiful Roman city seemed to tap me on the shoulder and remind me of that fact. Colleagues were heading out to the Christmas market for mulled wine after work,

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friends were out shopping, every restaurant was filled with people in party hats popping champagne corks. Meanwhile, I spent a lot of time in the bookshop.

As term was drawing to a close, in a translation study group with some of my Japanese classmates, one of them started to cry. Then she set off some of the others. With the release of tears came reluctant admissions of how much they were all missing their families. Only then did I realise that they too had been wandering through the streets of the same city, feeling a similar way to me, only their yearning for home was possibly even deeper than my own, given the thousands of miles between them and their loved ones.

I invited them all to my parents’ house the following weekend. We baked Christmas biscuits, ate a roast dinner and laughed more than we had since meeting each other three months earlier. By looking up and out, I realised I was not the only

‘I began to see loneliness as a sign that I was in need of connection, and in the process I discovered others who needed it too’

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one, and that solidarity made all the difference. I began to see loneliness as a sign that I was in need of connection, and in the process I discovered others who needed it too.

According to Caroline Abrahams, charity director of Age UK, ‘Loneliness is a negative feeling people experience when the relationships they have do not match up to those they would like to have. When this feeling persists it can have a negative impact on wellbeing and quality of life. It is similarly common at all ages, but the circumstances which trigger loneliness can vary by age: for younger people this might be leaving education, whilst for older people loneliness can begin with the loss of a spouse or the onset of poor health.’

Sometimes a profound change – such as a loss, or a breakup, or a serious illness – can leave us in a difficult place for a while. There is a stoicism in our culture that has kept the lid on loneliness for far too long. Thankfully, though, people are finally starting to talk about it. According to the UK government, loneliness is as detrimental to your health as smoking fifteen cigarettes a day, and more than three-quarters of us feel lonely at one time or another. But while it is pervasive in society, loneliness is not always visible.

Of all the stories I gathered while researching my

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‘There is always something you can do. Know you are not alone. When you're down reach out. When you're up reach out’

LONELINESS

book Calm Christmas, some of the most affecting came from people who felt lonely within their marriages. They would go through the motions at Christmas but feel empty inside. Others felt deeply lonely within large groups of people, often suffering a sudden realisation that they didn’t really know – or like – those with whom they were spending time.

Social media influencers admitted feeling empty beneath the façades of their Instagram feeds, while others felt trapped within the walls of their expensive homes. Some people felt lonely as they clung on to the ragged end of a friendship. Others shared that they had few friends to call on, often because single

parenthood or a demanding job or years of travel had caused bonds to stretch and eventually break.

For some, the chill wind of loneliness blows in through the front door whenever their children leave to spend part of Christmas with an ex-spouse. For others, it lingers all season long now that their life partner has departed and their children live on the other side of the world.

Loneliness is an aspect of the human experience that we all dwell in from time to time. The sensation of loneliness is not always the main issue, ache as it might. The main problem arises when we ignore the message it is sending us, and it is exacerbated when we measure ourselves against other people and feel inadequate. Many of us are loath to reach out due to fear of rejection, which causes us to retreat further, feel even more lonely, and deny ourselves the medicine of human contact we really need.

But there is always something you can do. Know you are not alone. When you’re down, reach out.

When you’re up, reach out.

Decorate the outside of your home with lights to raise the spirits of passers-by. A simple lantern by the front door or fairy lights around the window can be your gift to strangers. This simple act can forge strong connections with neighbours and the rest of the local community as it sends a message of friendliness and approachability.

List the advantages of your current situation. If you find yourself complaining about something, add the words ‘so I can …’ at the end of the sentence to flip it into an opportunity.

Broaden your horizons by listening to podcasts, reading books, attending lectures and exploring new music. Minimise your screen time and be mindful about how you are using social media. Meditate, do yoga or attend a mindfulness workshop.

And most importantly, take good care of your mind, body, and spirit this winter.

Beth Kempton is the author of Calm Christmas and a Happy New Year: A Little Book of Festive Joy (Piatkus, £12.99) and host of The Calm Christmas Podcast.

Find out more at bethkempton. com or connect on Instagram @bethkempton 53

‘You never know how strong you are, until being strong is the only choice you have’

IMAGE: PEXELS/LISETT KRUUSIMÄE

Bob Marley

Multidisciplinary artist and actor Heather Agyepong in her show The Body Remembers which explores the body’s response to unresolved trauma 56

TRAUMA

Wr it ten on the Body Our bodies carry the stories of our lives. Often a more reliable witness than our minds, our physical reactions can give clues to past traumas and offer a path to healing.

Emma Johnson explores the unique connection between our emotional past and our physical present

IMAGE: MYAH JEFFERS

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espite what you may think, trauma is not something that happens to every living being. It is a human, domestic experience of stress that lingers in our bodies because due to cultural expectation and our lack of connection with our wild, natural selves – we are unable to process our experiences in the way our bodies, and minds, need us to.

‘Trauma is not just an event that took place sometime in the past; it is also the imprint left by that experience on mind, brain, and body. This imprint has ongoing consequences for how the human organism manages to survive in the present,’ explains the author of The Body Keeps Score, Bessel A. van der Kolk. ‘Trauma results in a fundamental reorganisation of the way mind and brain manage perceptions. It changes not only how we think and what we think about, but also our very capacity to think.’

In the wild, animals experience fear, loss, crisis and pain – but they do not experience the aftermath of the trauma that comes with these events.

THE CYCLE OF LIFE

In her extraordinary book Call of the Wild: How we Heal Trauma, Awaken our Own Power and Use it for Good, Kimberly Ann Johnson explains that wild animals are able to ‘move through the complete nervous system cascade’ thus processing events, and moving on from them.

Johnson uses the example of wild rabbits ‘playing dead’ to avoid becoming prey to a wolf or fox. This instinct is not something they have control over, when threatened, a rabbit’s body will shut down its system to protect it. When danger has passed, the seemingly dead rabbit will jump up, shaking for a while as its body processes the event, and then it will simply stop shaking and run off. ‘The cycle is complete,’ writes Johnson. ‘The rabbit doesn’t hop around trembling for the rest of the day, avoiding the pasture. The wolf doesn’t stalk that same area again and again. They go on without the imprint of that hunt impeding or determining how they behave in the future.’

And they can do this because they are not subject

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Trauma remains stuck in our system, a sort of skip in a record, constantly replaying in our minds’

THE STUCK RECORD

In this way, trauma remains stuck in our system, a sort of skip in a record, constantly replaying in our minds, while our bodies continually try to complete these stress response cycles – a process which shows up physically in myriad ways.

Multidisciplinary artist and actor Heather Agyepong whose new show The Body Remembers features interviews with Black British women in trauma recovery, explains how our body’s response to events is the first clue that we are holding onto unresolved trauma. ‘The body is an archive. It remembers everything – even the things that the head forgets… no-one knew they had been through something traumatic until their body started giving them reminders – pain, palpitations, panic attacks.’

Living with this level of unresolved trauma can be completely debilitating. Experiences from the past replay across your nervous system as if they are happening in the present moment, while your brain is also unable to separate current events from past ones. The lines between what happened to you and what is happening now become increasingly blurred.

‘Traumatised people chronically feel unsafe inside their bodies,’ says van der Kolk. ‘The past is alive in the form of gnawing interior discomfort. Their bodies are constantly bombarded by visceral warning signs, and, in an attempt to control these processes, they often become expert at ignoring their gut feelings and in numbing awareness of what is played out inside. They learn to hide from their selves.’

To survive, we try to shut down, the trauma remains trapped in our bodies, causing a host of issues, and even leading to long term disease and chronic conditions. In his book, When the Body Says No: The Cost of Hidden Stress, author Gabor Maté explains how our immune systems are seriously 58

compromised by the stress and trauma we carry with us. ‘Stress in particular works to disarm our immune systems… cortisol helps us survive in acute shortterm instances, but when stress becomes chronic, lasting for long periods, high levels of cortisol can destroy tissue, raise blood pressure and damage the heart.’ In the worst cases, Maté says, chronic stress can contribute to the onset and exacerbation of illnesses like MS, cancer and ALS. ‘Being frightened means that you live in a body that is always on guard. Angry people live in angry bodies. The bodies of child-abuse victims are tense and defensive until they find a way to relax and feel safe. In order to change, people need to become aware of their sensations and the way that their bodies interact with the world around them,’ says van der Kolk.

BEFRIENDING THE BODY

The body is a more truthful narrator than the mind.

It cannot filter and re-examine memories, thus changing, softening or explaining them away, as the brain does. ‘Our bodies don’t rationalise, assess or interpret, and as such are a trustworthy record,’ explains Johnson.

And yet, despite this, we focus all our efforts at recovery, healing and success in our minds. The attention paid to things such as mindset coaching, positive psychology and the importance of willpower creates a ‘top-down’ approach to healing that entirely ignores the language of the body. ‘There is a deeper underlying organic intelligence more foundational than your mind – it resides in your body, which is often begging for your attention. That intelligence is the true compass,’ says Johnson.

The answer to moving forward from trauma lies in returning to the body, to making peace with the messages it is sending us, and acting in accordance with our current reality, and not the past. We have to start listening. The body will point the way.

‘Physical self-awareness is the first step in releasing the tyranny of the past,’ says van der Kolk.

RESOLVING PAST AND PRESENT

‘The only way to get through trauma is to process it,’ says Agyepong. ‘At first, I thought I’d be writing a

IMAGE: MYAH JEFFERS

to the kind of social conditioning that typifies our human world. Social norms, self-consciousness, surgery and anaesthesia, betrayal and boundary ruptures are all ways that our natural systems get interrupted along the cycle of ‘activation’ (the stress response, playing dead in the case of the rabbit) and subsequent deactivation (the point when the rabbit recovers and moves off and on with its day).

TRAUMA

Multidisciplinary artist and actor Heather Agyepong in her show The Body Remembers which explores the body’s response to unresolved trauma

play with lots of other characters in it. Over time, I stripped it back and decided the process of recovery is the piece itself.’

In wanting to share the process of recovery, Agyepong’s live performance – which is narrated by her co-creator Imogen Knight – sees her working through six areas of her body to find and resolve hidden heaviness or residual traumatic tension. ‘As I move through the sequence I investigate my head, throat, heart, stomach, womb and hands. Imogen’s voice asks “what’s happening in your throat?” and I display whatever is happening for me at that moment.’

Agyepong’s performance brings to mind a meditative body scan, a fantastic tool for connecting us with what our body is telling us. This connection is the key to recovery, but establishing this connection is also part of the journey of healing.

‘The mind needs to be re-educated to feel physical sensations,’ says van de Kolk. ‘And the body needs to

be helped to tolerate and enjoy the comforts of touch. Individuals who lack emotional awareness are able, with practice, to connect their physical sensations to psychological events. Then they can slowly reconnect with themselves.’

As with mediation or a theatrical performance, the key is in the repetition of the process, and the development of your practice. It’s something you work out consciously, through daily exercises, visualisations or therapy. Consistency is key. You need to get into a daily rhythm of being present and connecting to the language of your body. Only then can you begin to connect with the truth of the past and resolve it enough to let go of it in the present.

‘When I stopped burying and began processing, I soon discovered that there is joy in healing and recovery,’ says Agyepong. ‘Those two things aren’t opposites. Joy and trauma are linked – processing trauma leads to the joy.’

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BEAUTY

SKIN DEEP

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hey say that the eyes are windows to the soul, but what if you want to know how that soul is bearing up? Well, then take a good look at your skin say the dermatologists whose latest field of research acknowledges that our state of mind and complexion are rather more co-dependent that we originally thought.

While it may be a concept that our instinct is familiar with, knowing all too well that we blush when shy, sweat when anxious and irritatingly get spots when stressed, ‘psychodermatology’ is a relatively new field of skin science.

This niche school of dermatology explores a rather more thoughtful way to treat skin conditions over and above prescription cream. Believing that our mental heath and state of our skin are inextricably linked, these doctors are more likely to prescribe spoken therapy over steroids.

And it makes sense. Over a third of all psychological issues will show themselves in our skin, those common niggles including dryness, acne and eczema often nothing more than an emotional hangover. Skin diseases you see are not just a cosmetic issue, but also often a reminder than our nervous system, immune system and skin are constantly talking. It’s a theory that both Chinese and Ayurvedic medicine have long held true, but Western medicine is now eager to join the conversation. And here’s why.

Skin, our largest organ, is constantly sensing and responding to endogenous and exogenous stimuli – experiences and changes that are happening both in and out of our skin. A complex organ, it adjusts to environmental cues, and then communicates those to the outside world… sadly for some, for all to see.

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Take trauma and stress for example which threaten the hormonal balance in our skin. A surge in the stress hormone cortisol triggers the skin to whip into action and take on this challenging balancing act. This often causes exhaustion and inflammation, ergo skin barrier impairment and dermatitis, and by the way a rapid loss of collagen. Interestingly, studies also confirm that over 80 per cent of psoriasis flare-ups are a direct response to a bout of stress.

And then, when you take into account the added panic that a poorly timed breakout can add to someone’s existing stress levels, you start to see how working with a therapist might run deeper than a cream. (As if those flare-ups needed more heat, those aforementioned psoriasis sufferers also tend to experience an impairment of social functioning and negative body image – not something a face cream can smooth over).

Psychodermatologists, often with a dual degree in dermatology and psychiatry, will classically use a threepronged approach to healing your skin with medication, dermatology, and therapy. While often prescribed in conjunction with an atopic cream to treat the symptom, therapy is more clearly able to treat the cause. Reassuringly, researchers discovered that those who underwent six weeks of cognitive behavioral therapy for psoriasis experienced a far greater response than those on medication alone, while stress-induced itching has been relieved by mindfulness and relaxation say experts.

With mental health now firmly on the agenda, it seems timely that modern medicine is no longer glossing over our skin health. Beauty may well be skin deep, but so is our emotional wellbeing apparently.

IMAGE: PEXELS/SHINY DIAMOND

Katy Young investigates the new field of psychodermatology and the relationship between your skin and trauma

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‘The best way out is always through’

IMAGES: PEXELS/LADA REZANTSEVA

Robert Frost

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BEAUTY EDIT

A W I N T ER’S T A L E

From rosy apple cheeks and shining eyes, to dull flaky skin and a distinct lack of energy – however winter hits you, it pays to take the time to nourish, nurture and regenerate. We have chosen the ultimate beauty and wellness ideas to help you to hunker down and emerge renewed from the depths of winter. By Claire Brayf ord

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Soothing Anti-dandruff Shampoo, £58, and Cure, £90, Sisley Itchy, flakey, angry – the combination of indoor dry heat and the cold, harsh winter causes an uptick in all-round scalp sensitivity. Thankfully, Sisley’s new hair ritual is waiting to ensure a calm, rebalanced and flake-free scalp. The gentle purifying shampoo cleanses, while the Anti-dandruff Cure treats the underlying factors responsible for dandruff and any itchy discomfort. Your hair feels lighter, more supple and strengthened as the duo restores strands, leaving them super soft. It makes for a refreshing start to the day.

THE EYE CREAM Eyecream, £150, Augustinus Bader Wake up tired eyes with The Eye Cream, the latest addition to Professor Bader’s cell-renewing skincare.

Lightweight and deeply moisturising, his potent formula brings all of the antiaging properties and intensive hydration to tackle the most demanding area of our face, especially in winter. The comprehensive treatment addresses pretty much all issues - skin firmness, under-eye puffiness, dark circles, fine lines and wrinkles. Infused with potent peptides, as well as clean actives including French Seaweed, Pennywort and Arjun Tree Extracts, it refreshes and renews, promoting flawless radiant skin.

Bascially, we all need it.

THE FRAGRANCE

6 Eaux de Parfum Coffret, £270, Ojar Fragrance lingers less in winter – as the temperatures falls, so does your skin’s natural moisture levels but as scent is such an important element of our overall wellbeing, increasing the concentration with layering is the perfect way to make it last. This art of fragrance layering, popular in the Middle East, is at the heart of Ojar. The brand is a fusion of 18 unique scents from East to West. Each is based on six core ingredients – frankincense, rose, honey, sandalwood, oud and musk – which you can mix at will to create your own bespoke fragrance journey.

THE SUPPLEMENT Vegan Protein + Superfood blend, £40, Wild Nutrition As an antidote to our stressed modern lives, the Vegan Protein + Superfood Blend is the perfect any-time boost. The intelligent formula is packed with easy-to-digest vegan protein, super-greens, mushrooms with therapeutic levels of nutrients that give you mood-boosting energy, immunity and the reassurance that you are doing the best for your body. The ingredients work in harmony to support you physically and mentally throughout the day. It’s a simple way to get the nutrients you need.

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THE CALMING CREAM

Biome Calm Cream, £60, Cultured Biomecare Cultured is the new promicrobiome brand developed by Rob Calcraft, the brains behind clean skincare success story Ren. It approaches the skin like the complex ecosystem it is - different layers brimming with different molecules, different processes and reactions constantly occurring.

Designed to work from within rather than on the surface, it uses bio-technology to help the skin to help itself - tackling the source of each concern, rather than merely the symptoms. The microbiome is the skin’s first line of defence and if damaged it can lead to a series of skin conditions especially redness and discomfort during winter – so it pays to treat it with care.

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THE SAVIOUR SHAMPOO

BEAUTY EDIT

THE FACE CREAM EGF Power Cream, £165, BioEffect There is a new bree d of intelligent skincare that mimics the effects of filler and botox without the need for such invasive treatments. And leading the fray is the latest launch from Icelandic skincare brand, Bioeffect. Winter is about building and strengthening the protective layer of the skin and the new multi-tasking Power Cream employs a potent blend of clean and plant-based anti-aging ingredients, including the brand’s Barley EGF and the new Barley Beta Glucan, to target wrinkles, age spots, loss of firmness and density, as well as dehydration. Skin looks smoother and more even – even large pores are diminished.

THE LIP CARE Platinum Lip Plump, £45, Dr Lara Devgan Prominent New York plastic surgeon Dr Lara Devgan’s signature Lip Plump does more than your standard Chpastick to soothe dry, chapped lips.

Rich in collagen-producing ceramides and hydrating nutrients, it delivers a nourishing dose of moisture, visible ‘plumping’ as well as bringing that lovely healthy pink colour. Enriched with Hyaluronic Acid to maintain hydration and Vitamin B3, it promotes overall softness and targets the appearance of fine lines. We love it.

THE BEAUTY BALM

THE EXFOLIANT Mandelic Acid + Superfood Unity Exfoliant, £32, Youth to the People This new leave-on liquid exfoliating solution unites a gentle triple-acid complex with superfood antioxidants to help unglue dull surface skin cells, unblock pores, smooth texture, and reduce the look of dark spots for brighter, clearer skin. Containing Mandelic Acid, Glucosamine, licorice root, and plant extracts, it soothes and supports the skin’s protective barrier, making it ideal for winter-sensitive skin. It’s all of the acids, none of the irritation. Simply sweep over your face after cleansing to help control congestion.

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Illuminating Moisture balm, £28, Bobbi Brown Worn under or on top of makeup, the ultra-fine pearl pigments of this moisture balm add such a natural dewy effect you can wear it all on its own. It perfects that lit-from-within glow that is so hard to get in winter, as well as revitalising tired complexions. Containing Sodium Hylaluronate to help bind in moisture, and Shea Butter to repair the skin’s moisture barrier, Bobbi Brown has launched two new limited edition shades, golden glow and pink glow. Press it at the top of the cheekbone or mix it into your foundation.

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BEAUTY EDIT

THE NIGHT OIL Skin Caviar Nighttime Oil, £427, La Prairie Retinol is one of the most googled beauty ingredients because it remains the gold standard for anti-ageing. And La Prairie’s newly launched Skin Caviar Nighttime Oil is imbued with the retinol extracted from Swiss Acipenser Baerii caviar eggs, no less.

It works in conjunction with the skin’s natural circadian rhythms at night, when the body is programmed for regeneration, to counteract age-induced loss of collagen and renew the skin. It is gentle enough to use for those reactive to retinol, but potent enough to make a real difference. It is certainly a nighttime ritual to savour.

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THE AIR PURIFIER 3410 Air Purifier, £279, Blueair We all need a space to breathe, especially when our homes are stuffy with central heating. Skin flare-ups, changes in our sleep patterns and even allergies can be a result of harmful pollutants.

Indoor air can be five times more polluted than outside, even in the city. The best air purifiers, like the Blueair device, quietly filter the air, removing dust, mould, allergens and even bacteria and viruses, promoting better sleep and protecting your skin from premature ageing. Breathing techniques are vital to wellbeing – it’s important to breathe the best air we can.

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THE CLEANSER The cleanser, £28, Monday Muse It pays to switch to a hydrating cleanser during the winter months, and award-winning skincare brand Monday Muse’s non-foaming, hybrid milk-gel is the perfect balance. Blended with natural pure ingredients, it leaves the skin purified but also moisturised and nourished. Packed with skin-loving Red Algae and Aloe Vera to replenish and hydrate, and Sweet Almond Oil, Hemp Seed Oil, and Prebiotics to help balance and nourish the skin barrier, preparing it for the next steps in your regimen and creating the perfect clean, healthy canvas. <

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THE MASSAGE CANDLE Oskia x Temperley Love Massage Candle, £58, Oskia

British designer Alice Temperley and skincare brand Oskia have teamed up to create this skin-smoothing massage candle in aid of Women for Women International, with 10% of the proceeds going to help women survivors of war. Made with the purest natural ingredients including beeswax, soybean and coconut oil, the formulation nourishes the skin and awakens the senses.

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‘To heal is to touch with love that which we previously touched with fear’ Stephen Levine

Honouring the call to hiber nate in the modern world Our winter months are often full of things to do and people to see, but taking the time to slow down and embrace this season of hibernation can be just what we need

By Suzy Reading

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WINTER

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Winter gives us the dispensation to pause and it might be helpful to take a moment and examine what this year has held for you

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WINTER

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re you feeling it too? The genuine urge to bunker in, a growing need for rest, a deep desire to seek comfort? Take a look at the powerful impact nature has on the plant and animal kingdom, why would humans not respond similarly to these strong environmental cues? We are not machines and as the days become shorter and the cold descends, hibernation mode is very real. While it’s a totally normal impulse, why is it so overwhelming this year and what can we do to honour the instinct without sabotaging our health? Take a pause and let’s identify the scaffolding we need in our day to weather the winter period.

WHAT IS HIBERNATION MODE?

We know nothing blooms all year, so why do we human beings expect to have the same needs, preferences and energy all year round? We are not immune to the signs and signals from our environment and our hunter gatherer ancestors would have altered their daily rhythm in response to hours of daylight and access to warmth. With the advent of artificial light and central heating, with social media showing us all the fun other people are having, we often now plough on without considering how seasonal variations impact on our daily flow. Seasonal affective disorder is commonly understood, but it can be far more subtle too – lower energy, an increased need for sleep, a desire to retreat socially, an urge to snuggle indoors and seek cosiness and warmth – this is hibernation mode, a very natural response to the winter season providing us with time and space to reflect, to restore, and to sustain ourselves when it’s tough out there.

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WHY IS THE URGE SO STRONG THIS YEAR?

Perhaps this year the desire to retreat might feel more overwhelming than ever before. In the context of what we have experienced collectively over the last two years, this makes perfect sense. Hibernation mode is amplified by the fatigue we are feeling from an extended period of real worry, uncertainty and the lingering residue from lockdown life. These are wonky times and we are still in the midst of a global pandemic. Less than twelve months ago we were all in lockdown, working from home, home-schooling our children, zooming to connect, and wondering when that chapter would ever end. As life resumes a fuller expression we are faced with the enormity of what we’ve been through and we are still making peace with the real impingements that remain. Perhaps the call to bunker in is our mind and body’s way of reminding us we need to acknowledge our loss, we need time to process our feelings and we need space to heal.

Winter gives us the dispensation to pause and it might be helpful to take a moment and examine what this year has held for you. Acknowledge the struggles,

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WINTER

the challenges, the grief, the blessings and know that they are all valid whether they are smaller or different to other people. There is great power in using ‘and’ here – for example, we can feel sad at the thought of all those lost opportunities and we can feel grateful that we still have our jobs. Just seeing it all on paper can help us understand why we feel as we do.

The heaviness we’re experiencing might also be down to pressure to make up for lost time, especially when treasured plans were cancelled last year. As you approach the Christmas period, give yourself permission to reflect on what you and your family need this year. Dial down the noise from social media, friends and extended family, it is ok if people have a different appetite for socialising and remember there are many ways you can connect. Know that your social stamina will return and allow time for relationships and family dynamics to come back into synch – this has been such a period of upheaval. We can also think of this as an opportunity to create new rituals of connection and celebration.

While we might want to hide and sleep the next few months away, we know by virtue of our lockdown lessons that we need movement, daylight, variety in our downtime and social connection to feel whole and healthy. We can still honour our need for cosiness without sabotaging our health, we needn’t hermit ourselves away completely and we can find comfort in more than just chocolate and red wine. Consider how you can make your home, or just a nook, a haven of calm, using colour, texture, touch, scent and light to lift the spirits. Think about ways of connecting that allow you to work with your daily rhythms of energy. If going out after dark doesn’t appeal, now is the time for breakfast, brunch and lunch dates, taking a walk together in Nature’s beauty or you can reclaim the lost art of letter writing. If you feel you need more sleep or rest right now, give yourself grace and prioritise it. FOMO is real, the feeling that we should be achieving is real, but can we see the deep purpose of rest - soothing the nervous system after so much stress and anxiety, replenishing our energy after months of pressurecooker life and competing demands, and space to digest our emotions. Rest might be the single most productive thing possible right now. Mantra: I am not doing nothing, I am resting. While energy might be low, we still need movement for our mood and mental health. It needn’t be vigorous or strenuous, it can be a walk around the block with a friend, or it can be lying down on the floor and taking some yoga stretches. Opt for legs up the wall for when the energy bank says there is nothing left in the tank.

Think about ways of connecting that allow you to work with your daily rhythms of energy.

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IMAGE: PEXELS/GUILLAUME MEURICE

HOW TO HONOUR THE IMPULSE TO HIBERNATE IN LIFE-GIVING WAYS

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WINTER

THE SCAFFOLDING YOU NEED IN YOUR DAY TO SEE YOU THROUGH WINTER To best weather the winter period, honouring our energy levels but not sliding into self-sabotaging behaviour, think about the habits you need in your day to function. The shape this takes will be different from one person to the next so think about what this means for you personally.

Use the following prompts from the journal ‘And Breathe’ to gain clarity: l

How many hours of sleep do I need to feel well rested?

l What

is my ideal bed time and rise time?

l What

does rest facilitate in my life and what activities do I find restorative?

l What

brings me energy and how can I make space for these in my life?

l What

do I find depleting and how can I minimise or avoid these?

lM ake

a list of all the people on your team and what you appreciate about them.

lL ist

a few different forms of movement you find enjoyable and identify windows in your day when you can get out and move.

lW hat

does healthy eating look like for you at this time of year.

If you’d like to create any change, aim for small incremental change – one meal of the day at a time, snacks or your hydration.

lW rite

a compassionate letter to yourself. What do you want to say to yourself and what do you need to hear? the sentence: I give myself permission to…

www.instagram.com/suzyreading/ Suzy is a mother of two, an author, Chartered Psychologist and yoga teacher.

Her first journal And Breathe is out on December 23rd

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IMAGE: PEXELS/HARRISON HAINES

l Complete

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PA U S E F O R T H O U G H T

The wounds we carr y Is it possible to forget childhood trauma asks Dr Asma Naheed, and do we want to?

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t’s no secret that we carry the wounds of our childhood with us. From growing up with divorce, poverty or violence to being exposed to other people’s trauma at a young age, there are some experiences that stay with us. In fact, adverse childhood experiences (known as ACEs) can have a tremendous impact on future victimisation and lifelong health and opportunity. The more ACEs a child experiences, the more likely he or she is to suffer from health conditions such as heart disease and diabetes, poor academic achievement and substance abuse in later life. A recent paper from Harvard University likened the effect of toxic stress caused by ACEs to a car engine revving for days or weeks at a time, exhausting our resources and abilities.

I have dealt with several patients who carry their childhood pains and trauma within them.

It can be hard to square the the wisdom of the oldest self with the pain and innocence of the inner child. Many of us who experienced trauma or neglect as children have wounds sealed deep within our beings as they grow older.

I believe that we need to open a dialogue with our inner child. It is a crucial part of healing.

He or she needs to be acknowledged in order to allow the adult you to move forward, to hear: ‘I see you, I hear you.’

Our inner child is the source of our creativity and happiness. A pure being, without motive or agenda, it watches all our moves and thoughts like a parent. Whenever we do or say something that contradicts our values, it erodes our inner confidence and connection with our inner child.

We lose trust in ourselves, which leads to emotional chaos.

It can be challenging for some to realise that our inner child still lives within us, calling for our attention in the form of painful emotions. To accept that our undigested experiences as a child remain central to our being.

The human brain is specifically receptive at a young age, until we are around four years old.

Our experiences up until this point will have a significant impact on our emotional routines and the information we use from now on. During this time, our parents unconsciously told us what role we must play in life – perhaps the one who entertains others, or the one who cried too much, or never – and provided us with a script in order to follow societal norms. As adults, this script now affects our unconscious mind. By nurturing and reparenting your inner child, you are able to examine and rewrite that script.

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To connect with our inner child, we need to slow down. There are many ways to do so, through activities such as journaling, therapy or meditation. While connecting with your inner your child, it is important to let them know that their safety, consent and choices are valuable.

Try to be open to that dialogue between your adult and child self, listen to the child and assess their needs. Give them soft affirmations of love and protection as you would to any child you met as an adult.

One exercise I like to ask patients to do is to write a letter to your inner child and tell them everything, you wanted to hear at that age. This can feel especially cathartic for some, especially if you can close your eyes and imagine hearing those words as a child. Many patients have read their letters to me and they never fail to be enlightening, to shine a torch on areas of pain or unprocessed emotion. To process trauma experienced as a child, your inner child needs a safe space for play and connection. We should not ignore the value or healing ability of freedom.

The inner child speaks through a powerful emotional language that can recreate what we went through in childhood but are unable to express or process. Often, our emotional range of present experience mimics our undigested experience from the past. Our inner child craves attention through the feelings of frustration, powerlessness, loneliness, anger we feel in recalling childhood trauma. Allow yourself to cry, scream or feel without distraction or judgment. Our inner child wants to hear healing affirmations; take a moment every morning to read these affirmations out loud to your inner child.

To cure internal childhood trauma, we have to reparent our inner child. As with so much in life, the way forward is through – we can not continue to abandon or deny our feelings.

Dr Asma Naheed PhD is an educational psychologist and life coach who specialises in therapeutic and behaviour management 79

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STORY OF

WISDOM

Letting good things happen What happens when we stop obsessing about the outcome and instead focus on creating the right conditions for our dreams?

The emperor of China during the Yuan dynasty wanted to have his picture painted. ‘I’m not satisfied with my portraits done thus far,’ he said to a large gathering of artists. ‘Paint me a picture with the minutest detail, my spitting image.’

The king sat down every day for two hours while the finest painters observed and painted him from different angles. Devotedly and carefully, they moved their pencils and brushes on their canvases. Vying for the reward, all would wrangle to have the front row so they could examine him thoroughly and capture the tiniest detail. All but a Taoist master.

He requested the king that he be given a separate room where he could construct his most accurate image from his memory. ‘Kill me if I fail to portray every detail,’ he declared. ‘But, no one will see my painting till I finish. This is my only condition.’

His request was granted and three of his disciples joined in to help him. The four of them would enter the room, stay there for the entire day and come out only in the evening. At times sounds of scraping etc. could be heard. Unlike other painters hands’, theirs were never smeared in color. Dusty at times, but never smudged. No one knew how exactly they were painting.

At the end of one month when the emperor was still not happy with any of the portraits by other artists, the Taoist master announced that his painting was complete. It was done on a wall, he added.

Eager and intrigued, the king entered the room brimming with excitement.

The wall was covered with drapes of silk. Some candles were placed as if strategically. The master was gently smiling. The monarch pulled the curtain and a glossy wall emerged.

On a super smooth surface, which had been once a coarse wall, the reflection

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IMAGES: SHUTTERSTOCK

‘So it is with life, whatever we want, we have to create the conditions for it.’ of the emperor shone gloriously. A smile broke out on the king’s face, the image smiled as well. The king turned to the left, so did the image. It was a moving portrait, a live painting that captured every detail.

‘This is Wu Wei, Your Holy Highness,’ the master said, ‘the way of Tao. The action of non-action.’

‘I must admit,’ the emperor chuckled, ‘this is very clever. It’s the most accurate image anyone could have created.’

‘With due respect, O Lord of Ten Thousand Years, I never created this image.

I merely created the conditions and the portrait made itself.’

‘I’m not sure if I should reward you for your painting or your wisdom.’

‘The conditions have been created for both,’ the master humored and bowed.

The emperor honored him with a lavish compensation.

So it is with life, whatever we want, we have to create the conditions for it. In our rush to realise our dreams, often we end up so focused, even self-centered, that we forget that until we create the right environment around us to truly attain our goals. In reckless pursuit, our conditions become our greatest impediments on the path.

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U N B RO K E N

The power of reclaiming your own stor y Ou r columnist Najla Al Tenajii explains the triggering ef fect of reliving past traumas, and finds healing in the retelling – in her own way – of her story

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It can be painful to revisit the moments after surviving a traumatic event. Indeed, most of us are hesitant to talk about it. However, the more we try to avoid or push trauma memories, the more thoughts tend to intrude on our minds and haunt us. What we resist, persists; as the saying goes.

While we all are cautious in deciding who we would entrust to share our trauma stories, in some cases this decision is taken out of our hands. For me, my physical limitations speak before I have a chance to. They tell a story that I have no power to keep to myself.

During my rehabilitation years, my family and I had to repeat my story several times – to friends, neighbours and medical professionals. At one point, it became such a regularity that my psychologist warned us that continuing to revisit this traumatic incident can be very upsetting, triggering strong emotional and physical reactions, which could pose a hurdle to my healing.

Once I was out of physical rehabilitation, my doctors started to address my emotional and psychological wellbeing, a welcome break which brought a positive change in both my recovery and behaviour.

They taught me how to process trauma memories by counselling, art therapy, mediation and music therapy. I started retelling my story through art rather than words. By retelling the story of what happened to me, in a format of my choosing, I find that my pain goes down. Memories that were once upsetting, even overwhelming, became tolerable.

There is healing in the retelling of a story, in sharing your pain with the people who care and love you. Once I had reclaimed my story, owned it, it failed to grip me like before. One day much later I realised that this terrifying memory no longer controls me now. Its raw intensity has changed, and I am

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IMAGES: PEXELS/LISETT KRUUSIMÄE

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‘By retelling the story of what happened to me, in a format of my choosing, I find that my pain goes down.’ not feeling broken anymore. Yet timing is everything. I later learned that during the initial phase of rehab, the nervous system is on high alert, working to protect us from similar danger in the future. Therefore, it makes so much sense not to push anyone to share their trauma until they are ready.

However, once I started facing them consciously, I conquered my fears.

By putting a narrative frame around it, the trauma memory becomes more manageable and less threatening. Undoubtably it takes courage to retell your story, and witnessing your courage shows you that you’re not only strong but also whole. My old self-limiting story and beliefs lost their power, and I started living my life aligned with my true purpose and passion.

Najla Al Tenajii suffered a lifechanging injury in 1999 and has since been using her recovery to inspire others through their own journey

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‘One day you will tell your story of how you overcame what you went through and it will be someone else’s survival guide’

IMAGE: PEXELS/RIKKA AMEBOSHI

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Ar-rahmaan The Beneficent He who wills goodness and mercy for all His creatures. Allah is Ar-Rahmaan, The One who blesses all his creation with prosperity and devoid from disparity.

He is most merciful, kind and loving towards all creation. He is all inclusive and embraces all.

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