self-portrait

TW: suicidal thoughts

i look at her and all i see are flaws. shes ugly.

her eyebrows are different lengths. her eyes are different sizes. shes fat.

her thighs are too big.

shes pigeon toed.

her hairs frizzy, and greasy. her arms have bumps. her nose, her mouth, her teeth.

everything is something wrong. she has no good attributes, even in her personality. shes loud and obnoxious.

shes always complaining.

her depression and anxiety make her hard to be around. she thinks shes funny.

she always jokes about having a traumatic family.

my cousin always told me to look at someone i hate, and pick out three of their worst traits. well ive done this.

ive looked at her through the years and took note. now ive got a list.

it expanded from physical traits to emotional and personality.

as i stand here today looking at her, i try to think past her flaws. i try to think past how her attitude makes her seem rude. i try to think past how her whole closet is just those stupid jackets. i try to think past the fact that this is just my reflection. i try to think about the fact that all of these flaws are what make me, me. ive never held a deeper hatred than the one i hold for myself. mirrors are my enemy, but not more than my mind. dressing rooms scare me, but not more than my personality. school makes me anxious, but not more than knowing that if i get behind the wheel of a car, i wont come out. i know that if i never work past these thoughts, that ill end up condemned to my own personal hell for the rest of eternity. i dont believe ill ever love her, but i vow to eventually not hate her. i might hate her, but i know she doesnt hate me. she needs the love she shows to me.