Spoof Issue 26, Vol 141, The Brunswickan

t h e b ru n s w i c k a n pre s e nts

COCKTAIL a s pe c ia l s atiric a l inser t • april 9 / 08

if you don’t read this spoof, we’ll burn this couch

lies&halftruths

april 9 / 08 page 2 . bring me a coffee

Sodexo contract sold to mice

M

melanie bell | feature writer ickey LaSouris stands a mere 10” tall. But don’t let his diminutive size fool you—this small-voiced, grey-suited fellow is an ardent business-mouse. He and Meadow Musculus, one of his ten common-law partners, have assumed joint management of UNB’s dining services in a historic arrangement with the university, prompted by complaints by students and the Public Health Inspector.

“It’s an unconventional arrangement,” admits Martin Bayliss, former General Manager of Sodexho, who is in the process of transitioning power to the new owners. “However, LaSouris and Musculus are well qualified for the position. They show up every day on time, and have a true affinity for food. They have intimate experience in the industry. I’ve never seen more dedicated employees.”

The food service’s new owners have made significant improvements in the UNB dining experience. Foremost among them is their invention and implementation of Stir Crazy Procedure, a sizzling mêlée of whatever canned vegetables and half-priced leftovers McConnell Hall happens to have on hand. Approximately half of the international choices served at McConnell have been converted to this option, with plans for a full conversion by fall 2008. How do students react? “They don’t seem to notice,” explains LaSouris. “This is not surprising, as the Stir Crazy Procedure tastes no different from former choices at the international skillets.”

“The new owners are incredibly efficient,” says Bayliss. “With their culinary innovation, they have cut the costs of international dining options in half in a very short span of time.” The new managers have also contributed to aesthetic changes on the premises, installing a new logo under the banner of “Sodexo”. “It’s easier to spell,” explained Musculus. “And, for obvious reasons, we wanted to remove the H. We found it unpleasant to enter our new premises every morning and be reminded of those sharp garden tools used to forcibly remove our relatives from their own favorite dining premises.

Blatant genocide! We will not stand to have any reminder of genocide in the name of our new enterprise.”

“We try to keep a low profile,” says LaSouris. “We were more visible in November, when we were observing the proceedings of the dining hall and working out the transition agreement. Luckily, our involvement in dining services now takes place largely behind the scenes.”

The couple has moved their residence to McConnell Hall in order to accommodate the responsibilities of their new position. “It’s a wonderful place to raise a family,” Musculus admits. “It used to be quite hazardous; we are still grieving the loss of my grandfather. But with our new contract, family members are safe, and we find the food plentiful. My youngest son has recently developed an ambition to be a chef.”

LaSouris’ own culinary ambitions are also recent. “I realized that the food industry was a feasible option after watching ‘Ratatouille’. It was inspiring to see a positive role model of my own race involved in an industry that has always caught my interest.”

Bayliss expects that students will soon grow accustomed to the change, explaining that “it’s not uncommon to have mice anywhere.”

2 FREE concerts with

Age of Daze!

Saturday April 19th at 8pm and Sunday April 20th at 1 pm. This show will be for all ages and will be non-alcohol beverages only.

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Let’s get crazy

STIR-CRAZY because my spoon is just too big!

lies&halftruths

april 9 / 08 the inner t-rex spies you . page 3

UNB cuts six faculties Law and Nursing among those demoted to “competitive club” status

Beavers fight back In a dramatic resistance effort, beavers fight to regain their home land.

I

betty beaverhousen | wildlife rapist

chris samuel | volunteer analyst n a surprising move last Tuesday, UNB President John McLaughlin announced the decision to cut six faculties: Computer Science, Education, Forestry, Kinesiology, Law, and Nursing. Starting in September, they will be reclassified as “Competitive Academic Clubs”. The controversial move is expected to save $18,345,000, which will be reinvested into the remaining four faculties: Arts, Business, Engineering, and Science. The extra funds will be used to hire new professors, renovate classrooms, and purchase an unreasonable quantity of Tim Horton’s chocolate croissants. When asked what will become of the Renaissance College faculty, McLaughlin responded, “What’s Renaissance College?”

To make the decision, university administrators ranked all faculties based on several criteria, including facultyto-student ratio, national reputation, and quantity of academic citations. Once the lengthy rankings process was completed, it was immediately ignored. An untrained chimpanzee was then used to randomly select faculties from a hat.

“The long-term goal is to continue reducing the number of faculties until there is one single, supreme faculty. In the end, there can only be one,” said McLaughlin, who then started humming the theme to “Highlander: The Series”.

The perceived lack of consultation, combined with the speed of the decision, has resulted in criticism from faculty and students alike. In particular, the Faculty of Computer Science seemed to be caught off-guard by the proposal.

“Wait, we’re a standalone faculty?” exclaimed Virendra Bhavsar, former Dean of Computer Science. “I thought we were in the department of Science! Isn’t that how it works everywhere else?”

While most faculties have been highly critical of the decision, others have been much more receptive of the change.

“It’s about time we separated from UNB,” said Phillip Bryden, former Dean of Law. “The university was really dragging us down. To be honest, we probably would have left in a couple years, anyway,” continued Bryden, forcing an artificial smile and a fake laugh. Abruptly, he continued, “Do you hear that, UNB? We don’t need you!

We’re better off without you!” Bryden then ran into his office, closed the door, and could be heard singing along to “Survivor” by Destiny’s Child.

In response to the changes, the UNB Student Union has taken swift and decisive action. At an emergency Student Council meeting, a motion was proposed to “direct the executive to strike an ad-hoc committee charged with the task of investigating the merits of creating a committee to examine the impact of the faculty

reclassification scheme, and to prepare a written report no later than three weeks from today’s meeting, contingent on budgetary approval from the Finance Committee.” Ultimately, the motion was neither approved nor defeated. Instead, it was referred to the Policy Committee for rewording.

“I’m really pleased with Student Council,” said Bradley Mullins, UNB Student Union President. “I think students should be thrilled that [their Student Union] is committed to fighting for… ” said Mullins, who trailed off as he appeared to have been distracted by a shiny object.

The reclassification is another example of UNB’s recent cost-cutting efforts. Last week, the University announced the closure of its SafeWalk program. As a replacement, campus security has hired an individual to perform “Batman-like” crime deterrent services. Giant spotlights will be installed across campus over the summer.

“The longterm goal is to continue reducing the number of faculties until there is one single, supreme faculty. In the end, there can only be one.”

-John McLaughlin

T

he sun was barely over the horizon when sounds, like no others before, were heard coming from the depths of the woodlot.

It was time to seek revenge on the contractors and workers alike that wanted to destroy what was their home for generations.

This was the beaver’s time to strike back.

Armed with razor-like pointy trees and freshly sharpened teeth, the beavers were ready to battle for their land. The lead beaver cried out to his companions with a sound that could only mean “charge!” and they were off, tramping through the woodlot, about to meet their opponents.

On the other side of the lot, construction workers were busy like beavers preparing for another day of digging earth and laying foundation to create a much needed fourth Starbucks in Fredericton.

Among the smell of stale coffee and sawdust, workers continued to develop the land around the woodlot, hectare by hectare, taking away the beaver’s home.

This was where the drama unfolded.

One worker was injured and narrowly escaped death, following a trip to the Porta Potty.

“Nature was calling, so I skipped out of work for a few minutes to take a dump and then as I was exiting the facilities, I heard a weird chomping sound,” he described. “I can’t even explain what it was like, it was almost as if a large piece of wood was being slowly chopped, at the same time it sounded like somebody was crunching their food.”

Then, out of nowhere, explained the worker, he was tripped by a long pointed stick and fell to the ground. He turned around to see what happened to him and there was a large furry beaver, starring him directly in the eye.

He just missed getting stabbed with the stick.

“It was the scariest thing I had seen in my life. That beaver looked pissed!”

As the worker hollered to his fellow co-workers that a beaver had just tried to kill him, the beaver that did the tripping cried out to his posse and charged the frightened workers.

There was fur and staple guns flying everywhere – it was chaos. The cries of workers mixed with the infuriating hisses of the beavers made for a war zone in the middle of the city.

“It’s not uncommon to find poop anywhere” A

wilbur mccain | bowel specialist call to campus security after a recent concert in February has led to the discovery of several depositions of poop in the Sodetox kitchens in the Student Union Building, including in the room where all clean pots and pans are stored for the company.

This was the result of a recent break-in to the storage area. The health inspector was called in, and inspections occurred on the 6, 19, and 22, but it was only on the third inspection that the kitchens were found to be rodentfree and cleared by Public Health.

Sodetox is UNB’s only food provider, and vends to the SUB cafeteria locations and all dining halls on campus, including McConnell Hall, which serves the more than 500 students in the central residence cluster, as well as members of other residences, faculty, and staff.

Scooter McLean, Regional Director of the Health Protection Branch for the Department of Health, outlines the details of several of the reports. The following information is from the second inspection, which took place on February 19.

“It involved a complaint investigation involving poop in the kitchen,” says McLean. “The inspector, during the course of his inspection, found poop in some pots in the dry storage room, poop on a glue board in the grill area, and some more poop on the floor in the same area. Someone really doesn’t like healthy eating.”

This was a follow-up to the initial complaint investigation, which took place on February 6, where mice were found.

On the 6, Sodetox was flagged as a “code yellow” on the Department of Health’s online poop-to-not-poop rating system, which signifies that the food service establishment does not meet certain health regulations. The establishment is given a certain deadline to meet the necessary criteria, which was February 22 for Sodetox.

“The 19 was a follow-up to the one on the 6,” says MacLean. “Holes in areas noted on November 6 had not yet been plugged. Poop has been said to crawl in through these holes, we believe.”

It was also noted that all food had been stored in sealed packaging, and as a result, was not contaminated by the poop.

“Somehow the food was safe,” said McLean. “Just not the pans. There was definitely still poop in the pots and pans. I wonder if they disinfected them, or just brushed it under the rug?”

Martin Bailiff, General Manager of Sodetox at UNB, says that due to the cold weather, poop is very common to find in buildings at this time of year.

“Every year, there’s increased activity,” says Bailiff. “It’s not uncommon to have poop anywhere. I’ve found it in my house on occasion, just sitting on the floor. I don’t even own a dog. It just happens like that. Naturally. Gets in somehow. You can’t change nature.

“It’s a pretty normal thing in a large building,” continues Bailiff. “There’s some under my desk right now. Whatever. When the weather becomes cold, it’s usually your peak time for any kind of poop activity. In this case, I think it got in through cracks in the foundation, or something.”

Bailiff says that when Sodetox did notice the storage area poop, they moved their bathroom sign for a while. Eventually, proper calls were made to Physical Plant and pest control to take care of the situation. Holes were patched and pest control began to do enhanced surveillance, which was very confusing for them.

As well, Bailiff says that “when the health inspector came, we asked him to take more detail about what else can be done to facilitate eliminating the problem. You cannot put toilet paper out in a food facility just because poop

No. You won’t find a pic of poop here.

somehow crawled in there. Years ago, that was a normal practice, but it’s no longer acceptable.”

“The health inspector was more than satisfied with the work that was done to help prevent further poop-festation,” says Bailiff. “We’re in there every day, we double-check every day. When we see an increase in activity, we check. We check our product everyday. We check everything, every day. Bar none.”

Bailiff says that glue boards and poop traps are set out all the time to assure that those poops that do enter the building are caught.

James Crown, Executive Director of Residential Life, Campus and Conference Services, manages the contract UNB has with Sodetox. He, too, says that poop is a common problem in large buildings such as McConnell.

“I first heard of the idea of poop in every building, the first day I came here,” says Crown. “Every residence building has probably at least one poop in it. What happens is it gets cold, and the poops try to find their way into the building. And they’re good at it... I also ran food service at another university, York, and it was exactly the same thing. Probably every building in Fredericton has a poop in it somewhere.”

Crown says that it does not take much for poop to enter a building, but that any noticed entrance points have been plugged.

“It takes a very small hole to let in a poop,” he says. “We know that there were sweeps on doors that were possible entrance points that have been replaced. We figure the only possible way for one to enter is through cracks in the foundations and open doors.”

“I can’t address this as if it were, ‘Oh my God, there’s a poop in a building, this has never happened before.’ We have a regular poop control contract – the university does – that’s because there are regularly small animals in our building. The way we deal with those are with small traps and toilet paper, and they get stuck on them. And then they’re disposed of. It’s an absolutely ongoing process, just like every other institution on the planet. Treating this as if it is some kind of exceptional crisis is inaccurate.”

Had Sodetox not met the requirements from the Department of Health by the third inspection, its doors would all have had to have bathroom signs on them, and severe noise restrictions would have be inforced. The latter has been the successful process for poop-related incidents in Mackenzie and Neill Houses.

One worker was seen running away from the action, crying out, “I just got tail-slapped by that critter, no job can pay me to put up with shit like this!”

The police were called in to attempt to control the area. Officer Doofy was the man in charge and after calm attempts to ease the dramatics that were unfolding in front of him, nothing seemed to work.

“I tried, I really did. I went up to what appeared to be the beaver in charge of it all,” he explained. “It seemed as though I was making a little progress but all of a sudden, more of them there rascals came outta nowhere and nearly bit my hand off.”

The construction workers quickly left the scene as no one wanted to tackle the angry beavers and since the police were not making much progress, they too left.

Six men were taken to the hospital with scratch and bite wounds, and one remains in critical condition. No beavers were harmed.

The beavers seemed to have won the battle for now at least, and regained what was always theirs.

One small victory for the woodlots beavers, one giant step for beaver kind.

Aitken for a Cur-rie bronson burkhardt | sluming landlord

I

n a sly move, the UNB administration has acquired Aitken House and will re-convert it to the new Richard Currie Centre. The rededication of the house, which alleviates next year’s approximated $1M Res Life deficit, provides the administration with a reason to not bother finishing the building on the site where ground was turned two years ago.

“Yeah, we were planning this all along. Whoops, sorry,” says John McLaughlin, President of UNB. “It makes perfect sense. Why waste that beautiful sliding hill? The best part is that the bottom floor lounges of Aitken will open up to create a gymnasium with plenty of room for each and every fan of those sports we have that aren’t men’s hockey.”

McLaughlin says that there was no point in building new facilities when UNB could just gut a residence again.

“Yeah, we figure no one wanted to live in Aitken anymore. James Brown showed me some numbers written on a napkin saying that it made perfect sense to do it. They’re co-ed now, right? And they burn a couch sometimes?

Yeah, the university needs that sort of thing gone. Bad image.”

The existing location for the Richard Currie Center will remain an empty hill littered with broken cafeteria trays, which students often use for sliding.

“By allowing the sliding to continue,” says McLaughlin, “morale across the university will grow. I can’t think of a better way of doing that while keeping the Currie Center dream alive.”

James Brown, Director of Residential Life, Campus and Conference Services, was seen wiping sweat off his brow at the start of the interview.

“Well, I’m clear for another year now,” says Brown. “I figure we can just play this game four, five, maybe six years until someone realizes what’s going on. What’s a million dollars in a year, anyway? I’ve got a PhD in English.

I can’t even count that high.

“What I don’t get is how no one seems to have stopped me or held me accountable. This job is sweet.”

No indication was made over how the debt would be alleviated in the future, as trends continue to indicate that fewer students apply to residence each year.

“We’ll figure that out down the road,” says Brown.

Richard Currie himself is quite proud of the move to the former Aitken House location.

“Well basically, I’m slowly removing all traces of Sir Maxwell Aitken from UNB,” explains Currie. “I plan on essentially becoming him. Sure, I lose the gigantic new building that would have my name on it – but this way I’m a step closer to becoming ‘Mr. UNB’. I can handle that.”

When asked about how he would rename the Aitken Centre to the Currie Centre, even though Aitken House is to become the Currie Centre, Currie ran off and bought another chain of supermarkets.

pylons make good hunting hats for witches.

think about it. cred: tim walker?

pencils&crayons

april 9 / 08 page 4 . politics are for peppermints

Mister UNB

Horoscopes

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samantha wrigley | correspondent he muscles. The charming smile. The wit.

Here he comes, Mister UNB – a paragon of excellence, of human perfection, of hyper-intelligence.

It’s Lyle Skinner, and he was crowned Mister UNB in front of a crowd of hundreds at Memorial Hall just last night.

He sits at his desk, surrounded by photos, medallions, championship medals. For Skinner, an athlete from St. Stephen whose talent knows no bounds, a beauty pageant was the next logical step.

“I’ve done the bodybuilding and the extreme sports. It’s all old news to me,” he says, shrugging, as he spins a basketball on one finger. “This was something I hadn’t done before. Obviously, I knew I’d win, but I know that about whatever I enter.”

He stands up, brushes off his twill pants, and points to a plaque on the wall.

“This is what I won,” he says, flexing as he points. “And a prize package, of course.”

What, no tiara? No bikini?

He scoffs at the idea. “We wore swimsuits, yeah,” he says. Skinner breaks out the photo of himself in a fluorescent-green, shiny thong, vaguely reminiscent of Borat’s memorable unitard in his film of the same name.

But the whole pageant wasn’t without controversy. Held in Memorial Hall and hosted by some of the campus’ most well-known faces, rumours started swirling the minute the contestants stepped onstage.

In true pageanteer nature, there were questions of diet drugs, steroids, and lipo, but that wasn’t the worst of it.

Backstage, Mister Neville Hall was in tears after his evening suit had been tampered with. Pepper powder, he claims, made him break out in a nasty rash only minutes before he stepped onstage for that segment of the competition.

“We were shocked and appalled at the childish behaviour of some of the contestants at this pageant,” Neville’s lawyer said in a statement today. “It is highly unprofessional to think that my client was sabotaged. We demand a re-pageant.”

Not likely: after investigations into the incident, it’s still unclear whether or not Neville’s claims are true. There seem to be some suspicions surrounding the integrity of the incident, and upon further probing, it appears the origins of the powder might be highly suspect, since Neville works at McConnell Hall as a parttime staff member – and his specialty is a spicy tofu dish.

But that doesn’t faze Skinner. He worked hard, putting hours into the gym and perfecting his tan. He’s waxed within an inch of his life, his hair is divine, and he’s primped to go. Skinner is proud to be Mister UNB, and he’s already got a platform all figured out.

“Save the woodlot,” he says passionately. “I mean, save the beavers. Both of it, I mean. I want to save the woodlots and the beavers. All of it. Without woodlots, we wouldn’t have wood, and beav is pretty important, too.”

Aries

Feeling good? You should be! You’ve got the office thing covered, but pulling a hissy fit with the roomies is going to lose you major scene points this month. But, never fear: Keep it together, meditate, and even check out some YouTube videos (the Internetz is a big player in your life this month) to figure out how to reconcile home and work, where people will be yanking your hair in more ways than you might like.

Taurus

Oh, cry me a river, my Taurus, baby. You’re a big ol’ sap this month – more than usual – and it’s looking like family problems are the main issue here. Take the family out for dinner and get over yourself. Other psychological drama – think bureaucracy bullshit – is driving you crazy, but it’s all good: you’ll get a chance to schmooze with some bigwigs this month, so that should more than make up for it.

U

Gemini

Lesson to learn: Don’t loan pals money. Fer real. Even though you feel like the queen of the world this month, you’ve got financial problems (I’m thinking blowing the whole pay check on great shoes and a cute dress – don’t do it!) But it’s looking to be more of a learning lesson or a roadblock on the path to success. You’re doing great in the professional and romantic department, just don’t throw your cash away on the significant other.

N

Cancer

Relationships are going beautifully for you this month, Cancer. Be it the wifey or the boss, you’ve started to see eye-to-eye – which kinda sucks for them, since you’re generally a bit of a soppy mess. Luckily, money and success are on the horizon, as long as you rein in the empathy and look at things from a bit of a different point of view.

B

Leo

Leo, Leo, Leo. You’ll love to hear this: You’re doing fabulously, but you knew that anyway, right? Professional and financial growth is on the horizon, but don’t get too caught up in yourself (yeah, right) – you could lose a friend. Also, try not to tear down your competitors too hard. You may not realize it, but baring your claws just makes you catty, not a king of the jungle.

Virgo Andrew Meade / The Brunswickan

Lyle Skinner, Mister UNB has trouble keeping the ladies off him due to a stunning physique and quick wit

ONE FREE HEAD WAXING YOUR HEAD WILL BE SHINIER THAN A NICKEL SERIOUSLY. LIKE $3600 VALUE. FOR REAL. CAN YA DIG IT?

You’ve got lofty ambitions this month, so have fun. Seriously.

It’s your time to travel, fall in love, or get finished up with class work! But be careful: You might have to deal with some smallminded bullshit from friends who just want to bitch. Ignore them. (They’re probably Cancers.) You feel great.

Libra

Career or family, which to choose? It’s going to be an uphill battle this month, Lib. You need to balance the at-home and the at-work so no one thinks you’re forgetting about them – think teamwork as the way to go. But never fear: You’ve got a sudden cash flow, which makes everyone a little more generous towards you.

Scorpio

Working hard or hardly working? Turns out it doesn’t matter – you’re going to be fed up with it anyway. Incompetent coworkers and adventurous lovers have you all tangled up, and a hearty philosophical debate will, surprisingly, rev your engine this month. Be prepared for a spat with the significant other near the end of the month, but never fear – it blows over pretty quickly.

Sagittarius

Not a good outlook for you, Sag. Your love life is a rollercoaster and your pockets are empty (always seems to be the case, huh?) Luckily, the money situation is on the up-and-up, since you’ve got some killer stuff happening with the career. You’ve got to bring that positivism home, work out the problems, and – the real kicker – iron out a few trust issues. Ouch.

Capricorn

Bad news: You and a friend, partner, or coworker are having a bit of a scuffle. It’s hard for you to function on the same level, so you need to figure out a healthy compromise. But some playtime near the end of the month makes things rosier, and you two will be back to your old selves. Also, watch out for sleazy real estate agents – that sort of problem is at the root of your stress.

Aquarius

Hold the phone, Aquarius. You need to be the mediator this month, as every other sign gets in a whine-fest and throws a good tantrum or two. But your partner, lucky you, is the bigger person with you and stays out of the fighting.

To fix it all? Think money, technology, and just being your charming self to get everyone else out of their funk.

Pisces

Things are going swimmingly for you, Pisces. Lucky dog: You’ve got positive energy surrounding professional and financial goals, mental health, and romance (ow ow!) But try not to exhaust yourself: It’s all coming at you at once, and you need to figure out how to juggle the great things in your life. You can’t do everything, but make some choices and you’ll have a fantastic and successful month.

pencils&crayons

april 9 / 08 binge drinking is for apple juice . page 5

A night to remember?

An tale of love, lust, and an interesting fuck

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larry loverod | romance writer

red hot read

aylor was like most university girls. Hard at work during the week attending biology classes by day, and pulling all nighters at the library by night. Come the weekend though, Taylor would transform herself into a heel-wearing, martini sipping bar star looking for love.

Most Saturday nights, you could find Taylor at the Social Club fawning and falling over whatever guy would have her, wearing as little as possible. This Saturday night was different from the others: Taylor found someone.

His name was Clint, he was tall with blonde hair and had a smile that made her womanhood swell. Clint caught Taylor’s eye from across the room as he played foosball with his buddies and chugged one $2 Coors Light after another. Taylor could not take her eyes off this sweet piece of man meat. All of a sudden, Taylor realized Clint was stumbling over to her as he looked at her from head to toe through his drunken beer goggled eyes, introduced himself, and without even asking, pulled her to the upper corner of the dance floor. For hours it seemed they grinded and made out without a care in the world. As Taylor continued to kiss and grind up against Clint’s rock hard yogurt cannon, she felt a sudden urge to vomit. Without a word, Taylor took off to the bathroom. As she took off, Clint was heard yelling, “I’ll wait for you outside.” Clint never waited outside. As Taylor emerged from the bathroom, the bouncer urging her towards the door, she thought to herself, “Will I ever see him again?”

The school year went on with Taylor receiving excellent marks, so she decided this was the year to move off campus. Finding an apartment on Graham Avenue with some friends, Taylor always remembered, somewhat, that magical and drunken evening with Clint. Summer passed and Taylor moved in to her apartment, and the first party of the year was at hand. Things started simply enough. The girls standing around their new kitchen drinking martinis and taking shots of tequila, the sun had set and noise was coming from outside. They peered out to see a pile of couches blazing under the moonlight. The girls were quick to join the growing party in the street.

As more couches were added to the fire, Taylor and her friends could not help but check out the sweet pieces of man ass that were carrying the doomed furniture. All of a sudden, Taylor made eye contact with one of them – it was all too familiar, that blonde hair and oh that smile.

It was Clint.

Surprisingly, Clint also recognized her and dropped the couch he was carrying. The two quickly and without a word retreated to the confines of Taylor’s bedroom. They kissed and humped until Taylor finally whispered into Clint’s ear, “I want your hot beef in my meat curtains.”

Internet

Taylor had dreams of sunny beaches and martini laden vacations with her man hunk Clint, boy was she wrong Clint was quick to strip naked flinging his clothes off quicker then a dress after prom. Standing naked for the world to see, Clint proudly wielded his sword of manliness. “Does it have a name?” asked Taylor.

“I call him Russell, Russell the One-Eyed Wonder Muscle,” Clint proudly exclaimed. Taylor was awestruck but decided it was best to take things slow. She slowly slid down her skirt to showcase her new Hello Kitty thong, teasing Clint. All he wanted to do was taste the sweetness of her fish taco. He grew impatient and finally grabbed Taylor and threw her to the bed, dangling his twig and berries in front of her eyes, much like Michael Jackson’s kids from a balcony. Clint laid down next to Taylor and mentally prepared himself for that which had eluded him. He slowly levered himself up, straddling Taylor’s now naked body, preparing for penetration. The two kissed and slobbered and made sweet, sweet love.

Taylor could feel the pressure inside her boiling like a kettle on a hot stove. The time was approaching as she moaned out, “Rail me, Clint! Rail me hard.”

All of a sudden and without a word of warning, Clint’s man dynamite exploded and he sagged down next to her. “Thanks for a good ride, baby,” he said as he slowly drifted off into a beer-induced sleep.

Taylor, after waiting so long, was left to lie there in disappointment. What she had thought to be love at first sight was nothing but disappointment in hindsight.

After crying for almost an hour, Taylor drifted to sleep.

Awakening several hours later due to the fire engine siren dousing the flames outside, Taylor realized that any flame that had been ignited in the bedroom had been doused and would never be relit again.

“I call him Russell, Russell the One-Eyed Wonder Muscle,”

-Clint

Man, I love Art Imitates Life Imitates Art the ‘C-word’ “…S Rock band rockstars? Hells yeah!

as transcribed by dan hagerman, angus morrison, and lee everett

irvine heidelberg | vulgarity enthusiast

Y

ou know what the coolest thing on earth is? Being totally offensive just for the sake of being offensive.

I mean, let’s get serious. Journalistic integrity is overrated, and having any sort of social conscience is for tree-hugging hippies. And last time I checked, this wasn’t 1968.

I often sit at home and wonder how I can piss people off. I mean, no one reads the crap I usually write, since no one really cares about Wintersleep, except maybe the lead singers’ mom. So how do I get readers to read this junk?

I crave attention, but bland band reviews and artsy, off-centre stories just don’t cut it. I need to be offensive. I need the rush that I get knowing I’ve endorsed the taboo and made people sufficiently uncomfortable with my terrible writing and weak arguments.

Yeah, being offensive is sweet. But you know what is even sweeter? The “C-word”.

Gasp! Shock and horror! The C-word? How can you even utter such filth?

Oh yeah, I love the C-word.

In a society where we’re ever careful to be politically correct and to not utter anything racy, I’m proud to throw the C-word around. But don’t be mistaken: I don’t see this as a privilege, or even a right.

It’s my responsibility. For too long, the C-word has been under-appreciated.

It’s a treat that fewer and fewer are enjoying, and this trend has got to end.

I mean, some parents are now withholding the C-word from their kids, forgetting that when they were young, they couldn’t wait to get some nice, warm C-word.

Yeah, I love the C-word. Sometimes I worry that I don’t get enough of the C-word, but I have a contact that usually hooks me up. And when I’m really desperate, I can depend on my girlfriend to hook me up. She makes it just how I like it: soft, delicious, and oh-so-sweet.

Come again?

That’s right, the C-word. Cookie. Deal with it.

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT

IF YOU CAN READ THIS, YOU ARE NOT BLIND. COCKTAIL

o then we kicked the donkey off the tour bus, and that’s how I got both my eye patch and the idea for our band name.”

These words finished the epic tale of the origins of Berlin’s newest ExotherMetal band, Red Donkey Stealth Attack.

Originally a three-piece, they’ve recently upgraded to include a charismatic lead vocalist (one with voice training). This is all thanks to monetary donations from their fans to the “Stop Sucking” charity fund. This lead vocalist refuses to be seen in public with the three members, however, so our special Brunswickan task force only got a chance to speak with the three founding members.

After we were subjected to the origin story of RDSA, we then got up close and personal with the lead guitarist, a Londoner named Dannus.

Brunswickan: You guys have had a blast of chart-topping hits ever since you started touring. What would be your favourite song and why?

Dannus: Well, a lot of ’em are close to my heart, but my personal favourite would have to be “Stag-Nation”. It’s a ballad about broken hopes, dreams, and guitars. I start and finish the song while revving on my custom guitar, which I built myself from an old chainsaw.

B: Can you sing us a few bars?

D: Well, usually that’s the job for our lead singer, but since she ain’t here, I could always give it a shot.

“You used to be so sweet, like a big fat juicy orange/Now you’re naught but painful, like fingers in a door hinge.”

B: That was positively enlightening, Dannus, thank you. (Ed note: And they say nothing rhymes with orange.)

After Dannus’ buzz had worn off, he decided to leave. We then spoke with the Danish bassist of RDSA, Leezors.

Brunswickan: We just heard a snippet of your biggest hit, Leezors. Aside from your rad licks and philosophical lyrics, what do you attribute to your band’s success in North America?

Leezors: Fanatical devotion to the ExotherMetal genre. It’s really heating up, and sometimes it’s just too hot-core to ignore.

B: What inspired your choice in attire?

L: You know how it is; once you put on a set of steampunk goggles and leather pants, there’s no turning back.

B: What is the purpose of your goggles?

L: They do nothing.

Brunswickan: Conveniently placed segue. So Angor, as a drummer, and with a name like Angor, it’s a pretty fair bet that you have some pretty substantial emotional issues. How did your upbringing affect your ability to hit things really hard?

Angor: Not only did it help me hit the drums harder, it also helps with punching buttons, alarm clocks, and monkeys.

B: Where do you see the band in five years?

Angor: I don’t know, I can’t even answer that question in job interviews.

That’s why I joined the band!

B: RDSA, if there was one message you could give to your fans, what would it be?

Dannus: Stop all the downloadin’! (Ed note: This is not a YouTube reference.) You’re robbin’ us of our creative output, energy, and rocket juice.

Without our rocket juice, we won’t have the fuel to rocket your collective faces off with our ExotherMetal missile of music.

Leezors: I’m a doctor, and I know science. Watch out North America: I’ve got a malpractice suit, and it fits you!

Angor: I need to buy an alarm clock and a new monkey because they both break easily. Any fans willing to donate said items can visit our website or call our toll-free “Stop Sucking” charity hotline!

Brunswickan: Thank you all very much for your time, guys! Feel free to give me copious amounts of CDs and DVDs as a gift.

What’s next for Red Donkey Stealth Attack? Apparently, the sky’s the limit, as the band has a live concert DVD, a biographical DVD, and a home repair DVD entitled “RDSA DIY” on the way to local retailers. They have plans to play Dolan’s, the Playhouse, and the Cellar all in the same night.

How do they plan to do this? Only one member of the band will show up to each location, and each will be accompanied by a recording of the other members. This helps to prove that each band member can carry their own, as well lower the insurance risks for the venues, which tend to skyrocket when all of them are in the same room together.

If you don’t mind noises loud enough to shatter your spine, guitar solos that set the first three rows of the audience on fire, and a drummer who’s just plain freaky, then Red Donkey Stealth Attack may be for you. Make sure to bring fire-retardant clothing, some earplugs, and a towel. You know – just in case.

WE KEEP YOU WARM AT NIGHT

Golden Herring Heating & Ventilation 555-5555

balls&sticks,etc.

april 9 / 08 page 6 . wall street is my street

Men’s hockey dropped to club status

Reds continue cost saving measures

Downed in Oromocto Industrial League finals!

Hire legendary Larry Brown to coach men’s basketball team

rick cox | part-time criminal

vaughn conway | sports pornographer

he University of New Brunswick is increasing investment in seven of its varsity teams, while moving the men’s hockey team to competitive sport club status.

“The athletics climate at universities across the country is changing,” said Kevin Dickie, UNB Fredericton’s Director of Athletics. “Many universities are investing more time, money and human resources in fewer varsity teams. If UNB is to remain a strong competitor and if our varsity teams are to continue to excel, we must adapt to the changing environment and adjust our current varsity athletics program.”

“After their recent loss in the finals of the Cavendish Cup, we knew cutting the team was a necessary step. We have no room for losers around here, unless they play court sports.”

Mr. Dickie also announced that a transition plan has been put in place to help the team make the transition. As part of this plan, he orchestrated an unprecedented team-for-team trade with the JiffyLube Grease Monkeys, the defending Oromocto Industrial League (OIL) champions.

“Our hockey program hasn’t been able to win lately, so adding an experienced team like the Grease Monkeys, even though they’ll be a club team, is key for UNB,” said Dickie.

In the ultimate ironic twist, the trade that landed for former V-Reds – now known as the Red Barons – in the OIL playoffs has them squaring off in the finals with the Rusagonis Golden Bears and star goalie Darren Sorochan, the twin brother of Rusagonis goalie Aaron Sorochan.

The Red Barons, missing goalie Michael Ouzas and his 0.50 GAA and 0.977 save percentage after he signed with the Toronto Marlies, were in tough against the strong Rusagonis team.

The Barons opened the scoring, as Kevin Henderson picked up the puck in the Rusagonis zone, outworked the Rusagonis defence to carry it behind the net, and centred to Justin DaCosta in the slot. DaCosta buried it, giving the Barons a 1-0 lead on just their fourth shot of the game. Denny Johnston also picked up an assist on the play.

The goal seemed to shift the momentum in the Barons’ favor for the next few shifts, but the Golden Bears fought back and quickly tied it. Brian Woolger was able to walk in off the wing and snap a shot under the arm of Yeomans at 9:12 to tie the game at 1-1.

The Barons came out quickly in the second, scoring the go-ahead go just 0:34 into the second period when Rob Hennigar batted the puck past Sorochan from a scramble in front of the Rusagonis net.

The lead was short lived, though, as Rusagonis’s Tim Krymusa responded exactly two minutes later to, once again, tie the score.

Rusagonis got a break with just under nine minutes remaining in the third, when UNB’s David Bowman was called for interference attempting to break up the Golden Bears’ attack.

Rusagonis didn’t waste any time, as Ian McDonald scored 44 seconds into the power play to give the Golden Bears a 3-2 lead.

Unable to create any sustained offensive pressure, the V-Reds got a power play chance when Rob Pearce was hauled down in the Rusagonis zone. Although they controlled the play for much of the two-minute man advantage, the Barons couldn’t seem to find the net.

As time wound down in the third, the Barons couldn’t control the puck long enough to allow Yeomans to retreat to the bench to get an extra attacker on the ice.

Yeomans finally got to the bench to give the team a six on five advantage for the final 30 seconds of the game, but it was too little too late for the Red Barons, as they dropped their second game of 2008 when it counted the most, yet again.

Darren Sorochan was simply amazing in goal, virtually stealing the victory for Rusagonis as the Barons outshot the Golden Bears 42-25.

“I hate irony,” said Red Barons coach Gardiner MacDougall after the loss.

“It’s not funny. I feel like this team is trapped in some sort of lame spoof, and it just won’t end.”

n order to continue their commitment to “academic and athletic excellence,” the Varsity Reds announced that long-time NBA coach Larry Brown has been hired to take the reigns of the men’s basketball team for next season. In keeping with the team’s news release policy, Brown’s hiring was announced at a press conference at 6 am, Monday morning.

“We couldn’t be more thrilled to have Larry Brown joining our staff. He’s got an excellent track record and we’re fairly confident that he’ll coach until at least the start of November before he starts looking for greener pastures,” said Athletic Director Kevin Dickie.

“Larry should be able to turn our program around, and with the lessons that our players will learn from him, we should be able to have a strong team for a few games before they demand better scholarships and begin to transfer to other AUS schools.”

Obviously, the hiring of Larry Brown will be a huge benefit to the ailing men’s basketball program, however some doubt the Reds’ ability to pay for Brown’s services. Dean of Kinesiology Terry Haggerty has revealed that due to Brown’s penchant for switching teams, the legendary coach’s contract will be paid by the Philadelphia 76ers, Detroit Pistons, and New York Knicks as he had time remaining on his contract with all three teams.

During the press conference, the Reds played a congratulatory message from current Knicks General Manager and Coach Isaiah Thomas who said that Brown taught him everything he knows and turned him into the coach he is today.

Despite this damning evidence and calls from the media members to reverse his decision, Dickie stood by his coach and said that working for the Varsity Reds would be a fitting close to the legendary coach’s career.

“Really, who wouldn’t want to go from the NBA to a mid-sized Canadian school that hasn’t produced a winning basketball team in four years? Isn’t that the dream, to coach the underdogs? I mean look at the Mighty Ducks movies. Would Gordon Bombay have had any fun coaching the Hawks?

Hell no. That’s why Larry Brown has joined the V-Reds. He’s sick of having all the talent and all the resources, he wanted to see what it was like to be on the other side of the fence for once.”

Unfortunately, Brown was unable to confirm these sentiments as he had managed to sneak out of the press conference without any of the media in attendance noticing. He was discovered a short time later at the South Gym alongside Saint Thomas Director of Athletics Jennifer Myers, who announced that Brown had signed a contract to coach the Tommies starting this fall.

“We are very pleased to have Larry Brown joining our team. We feel that his work ethic and commitment to Saint Thomas University will help to lead our team to the next level, and we will find a way to triumph over our greatest foe, the Nova Scotia Agricultural College.”

Brown was emotional and appeared to be tearing up while making a statement to the media.

“It was a difficult decision to leave UNB and one that I agonized over for many minutes,” said Brown. “However, I just felt that at this point in my career, it was time to move on. I accomplished all I could during my time at UNB and I wish them nothing but the best in the future, but my time there had come and gone. It was time for a new challenge, and I believe that I’ve finally found a home at Saint Thomas University.”

T

I

Jennifer McKenzie / The Brunswickan

The Men’s hockey team looks on disappointed as their opponents take the top prize in the Oromocto Industrial League finals

“I hate irony. It’s not funny. I feel like this team is trapped in some sort of lame spoof, and it just won’t end.”

Editor’s Note: Shortly before press time Dalhousie University announced that they had hired Larry Brown as coach for their upcoming season.

- Gardiner MacDougall Coach

COCKTAIL. we’re hiring!

Positions available: sports pornographer pyrotechnician emo kid wildlife rapist part-time criminal sluming landlord bride of chucky shrink

balls&sticks,etc.

april 9 / 08 your mascot is your mom . page 7

Reds add ten teams to varsity program Jousting, Wii Sports teams among those added

REACTIONS

fulton conway | shrink

I

n a surprising reversal of their decision last month, the Varsity Reds announced that they would be elevating 16 sports to varsity status starting next season.

Beginning this fall, UNB will have men’s and women’s teams competing in lawn bowling, jousting, underwater basket weaving, extreme ironing, and Wii sports. Initially, rumours suggested that UNB was also to add varsity squads playing Pogs, Ms. Pac-Man, and shuffleboard; however, due to budgetary constraints, those teams will play at the competitive club level.

“This is a huge day for Varsity Reds athletics at UNB,” said Athletics Director Kevin Dickie at a press conference to announce the move. “Not only can we grow the number of varsity sports and athletes at UNB, but we’re guaranteed to bring home the championships since for the most part, we’ll be the only team competing in the league.”

“Sure we’ll face some stiff competition in Wii Sports, and everyone knows that Dal’s basket weaving program is unmatched in the country, but I can guarantee that no one will be able to compete with the Reds in extreme ironing.”

When asked how such dubious “sports”, such as jousting and extreme ironing were elevated to varsity status ahead of such programs as women’s hockey or men’s football, Dickie was quick to point out these new programs would help set UNB apart from the rest of the country.

“We pride ourselves on being champions of academic and athletic excellence and part of being excellent is being innovative and these new sports are certainly innovative. How are we supposed to be innovative with a football or hockey team? Seriously.”

Terry Haggerty, Dean of the Kinesiology, echoed Dickie’s thoughts about diversifying UNB’s sporting portfolio.

“Everyone has hockey and football teams,” Haggerty said. “There’s a philosophy in business that says you can be better than your competitors, worse than your competitors, or different than your competitors. Clearly we’re not going to choose to be worse than other schools, and being better would require a lot of time and effort, so it’s just easier to be different.

Also, by participating in sports that no sane university would invest in, we automatically become the best team in the league, thus keeping with our mandate of being champions.”

“Besides, have you seen extreme ironing? It’s fucking sweet. Guys climbing mountains and then ironing stuff? Who wouldn’t want to be rewarded after a hard exhausting endeavour with a nice stiff shirt?”

“To get back to the issue at hand though, it just made a hell of a lot of sense to invest in sports that no one gives a damn about, that way no one will care if we have to cut them. Which we will.”

from the fans

When I heard that UNB was adding jousting, I figured I had to try my hand at driving a lance through someone. Sounds sweet!

-Jeremiah LeBrun I was injured last year playing Wii tennis online. I just couldn’t beat my penpal Moheed from Thailand. Then I broke my neck jumping from my desk going for an ace.

-Timothy Mouland I’m really good with my hands. My boyfriend likes it when I do the fish-hook slappyjack... oh I probably shouldn’t talk about this. Anyways, look for me at the basketweaving meets.

-Melissa Molenstein Extreme ironing is great for the glutes! An excellent way to keep fit and show how much UNB rocks!

-Dan Cuthbert

Internet

Jousting at UNB will take place on the newly turfed Chapman Field, says Athletic Director Kevin Dickie, citing the turf’s supple bounce as ideal for a jousting match

Ex-basketball coach buys Sealand jacob roberts | with a soft j

I

t’s official. Reports from the past two weeks were confirmed yesterday that former UNB men’s basketball coach Thom Gillespie has purchased the Principality of Sealand.

In a media release on Tuesday from Mr. Gillespie, the former UNB bench boss commented on his recent purchase.

“It was just the right time and the right offer,” said Gillespie. “You only have the opportunity once in a lifetime to purchase something this historical. I look forward to governing the principality and ensuring its long-term stability.”

Gillespie and his family are expected to move to Sealand in early June.

He said that his family needed adequate time to prepare for the move, as well to gather a year’s worth of life’s essentials.

In announcing the purchase, Gillespie has finally gone public on the issues that everyone has been asking about. After stepping down as head coach of the UNB squad last month, Gillespie went missing. Photos of the former coach and his family have surfaced all over the world, including shots of Gillespie skiing in Russia and swimming the English Channel.

“It has been a long month for not only myself, but for my family as well,” said Gillespie. “It was difficult not to answer the phone and to avoid people for the last month, and I definitely thank everyone for their support through the difficult times.”

Last week, the UNB Athletics Department confirmed reports that they offered Gillespie a severance package upon his decision to “step-down”.

Forced to keep quiet on the issue, Gillespie strayed away from the public to ensure that the UNB Athletics Department reputation would not be tarnished.

That being said, the severance package will certainly go a long way to help Gillespie finance the off-shore principality.

In a media release at 11:34 pm last night, Kevin Dickie, UNB’s Director of Athletics, said he was pleased to see the severance funds go to proper use.

“We wanted Thom to feel appreciated for his stay here. We thought the package was optimal in that he could move on to the next step of his life,” said Dickie. “We look forward to hearing from Thom and wish him best of luck in his future endeavours.”

Details on the purchase or the amount of the severance package given have yet to be confirmed, although there have been reports that the severance package amount is in the vicinity of the budget savings from the six varsity teams cut last month.

When asked about the budget savings and severance package linkage, Dickie became defensive on the issue.

“I mean yes, money doesn’t grow on trees. The money had to come from

COCKTAIL. that’s what she said

Internet

Sealand is pretty fucked up eh? Congrats Mr. Gillespie, we’re coming for a visit somewhere. Where do you think it came from, under my bed? People have to realize that we don’t get much funding and severance packages weren’t in the budget. I’m not here to talk about the past, though. We are only going to go forward on the issue and look ahead to next season,” said Dickie.

It is expected that Gillespie will also take over the head coaching position of the Sealand Sharks, the principality’s only basketball team. It’s a step down for Gillespie, as he moves from the 2-18 UNB Varsity Reds squad to the down right terrible 1-19 Sharks.

“It’s going to take a lot of hard work, obviously. It’s difficult to recruit big names to compete with the Sharks organization. That being said, we can still rise up to that status with hard work, day in and day out at practice. If our defense is strong and our offense is consistent, I think we can compete with any team in the league,” said Gillespie.

As for the naming of the next UNB coach, a few names have flown around.

Former NBA star Dennis Rodman and UNB president John McLaughlin are two names that are rumored to be short-listed. Dickie is keeping his lips closed on the matter until the media conference next Wednesday.

“We will make our announcement on Wednesday, in which I’m positive our decision will not only help our basketball squad, but also to induce sponsors for the Richard Currie Centre,” said Dickie.

Still disappointed that shuffleboard will not go varsity. We need funding too, and we’re clearly better that baseball.

-Amanda Bender

april 9 / 08 page 8 . this ad cramps my style

cocktail

GLOBAL WARMING Be sustainable!

Or stuff like this happens! And people need to yell about it. Or something.

Now I have no ball to play with.