The Brunswickan, Vol. 156, Issue 6

VOLUME 153, ISSUE 6, APRIL 2020

Editorial Board

About Us

Editorial Policy

Letters to the Editor

Editor-in-Chief Brad Ackerson

The Brunswickan, in its 152nd year of publication, is Canada’s Oldest Official Student Publication.

While we endeavour to provide an open forum for a variety of viewpoints and ideas, we may refuse any submission considered by the Editorial Board to be racist, sexist, libellous or in any way discriminatory.

Letters must be submitted by e-mail to editor@thebruns.ca.

Include your name, since letters with pseudonyms will not be printed or posted online. Letters must be 500 words at maximum.

Deadline for letters is Friday at 5 p.m.

Business Manager Mathew Gracie Art Director Maria Nazareth Araújo Multimedia Editor Jules Keenan News Editor Ally Buchanan Arts & Lifestyle Editor Marlowe Evans

Staff Marketing & Sales Coordinator Noubahar Hasnain Copy Editor Julia Pazzano Reporters Emma Warwick Hannah Rudderham Taylor Chalker Photographers Maria Nazareth Araújo Jules Keenan Volunteers Jeralyn Gourley Sparks

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We are an autonomous student publication owned and operated by Brunswickan Publishing Inc., a nonprofit, independent body.

We are also a founding member of the Canadian University Press.

Now a magazine, we publish monthly during the academic year with a circulation of 4,000. We publish weekly online at thebruns. ca.

The opinions and views expressed in this publication are those of the individual writers and do not necessarily reflect the views of The Brunswickan, its Editorial Board or its Board of Directors.

All editorial content appearing in The Brunswickan is the property of Brunswickan Publishing Inc. Stories, photographs and artwork contained herein cannot be reproduced without the express, written permission of the Editor-in-Chief.

@thebrunswickan @Brunswickan @thebrunswickan Front Page: Shrek, Paul Mazerolle, a giant rat, and Jack Sparks participate in a séance in the Student Union Building|Art by Jules Keenan

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Dead Rats Found in UNB Student Union Building

News Briefs

by Hannah Rudderham

by Hannah Rudderham

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Things to do: Social Isolation Edition

Experiencing Experiential Learning

by Brad Ackerson

by Emma Warwick

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Memes: COVID-19 Edition

Students Respond to Switch to Online Learning

by Emma Warwick, unb_ memes and reds_army_

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by Ally Buchanan

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Séances in the SUB: The Haunted Bathroom

Whatever Happened to Matt Gracie

by Marlowe Evans

by Mathew Gracie

Welcome to Jurassic Park

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by Taylor Chalker

by Jeralyn Gourley Sparks

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Jack Sparks’ Obituary

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Film Review: Shrek 2

by Taylor Chalker

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Killer Scallops: 30 Years Later

by Marlowe Evans

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Soylent Green is People!

by Taylor Chalker

Uincit Omnia Veritas: Groundherring Day 2020

by Marlowe Evans

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They Came From Nova Scotia!

Student Warns of Shark-Human Hybrid Invasion!

by Hannah Rudderham

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The Round-Up

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Words and Photo by Hannah Rudderham

Fredericton sells out of wine Fredericton liquor stores and grocery stores have reported selling out of white, red, rosé and even Boone’s Farm “wine.”

ANBL representatives report that this increase in sales can be attributed to Fredericton’s large student population.

“They’re coming in at all hours of the day,” said one liquor store cashier. “Tears streaming down their faces.”

With exams coming up and the stress of online school weighing heavily on the university community, some students have reported that “wine cures sadness,” while others say that wine is no cure, but it does act as a comfort blanket during these trying times.

Retailers in Fredericton said the wine is flying off the shelves every time there’s a restock.

The general public is advised to steer clear of all retailers where wine can be found until after exam season has passed.

food or shaving their human legs, but others are more concerned with finding a place to live to survive Fredericton’s temperamental climate.

Whales growing legs and apartment hunting

Plenty of apartments lay vacant, but for the new whale species, they simply cannot fit in a one-bedroom apartment or even a four-bedroom one for that matter.

Despite whales not typically being able to thrive in freshwater, a new species of whales has recently been seen in the Saint John River.

These whales can survive in the brackish, halffresh-half-salt Saint John River water and they also have legs—not just legs—human legs.

The whales have been retreating from the water where they’ve also developed the ability to breathe on land.

Some whales have been busy with trying human 4

These whales need help finding living space and can be reached at apartments4whales@gmail. com.

Handstands become the new trend Far and wide across New Brunswick, people have been spotted walking around on their hands instead of their feet.

Handstands are usually only for the well-balanced to do as a fun trick, but it’s become the new fad

to walk upside down all the time.

Trendsetter Mandy Handy said she isn’t worried about the blood rushing to her head because when she’s not handstanding, she always keeps her head up.

As for the sanitary concerns associated with walking around on your hands, Handy said she washes her hands a lot, so she’s not concerned.

She also said she washes them twice as hard after walking through King’s Place.

Human-sized ants have started showing up around Fredericton, wreaking havoc in downton bars, pubs and restaurants.

The Fredericton Police tried to intervene when they got calls about human-sized ants. But they had no means for arrest and let the ants go.

Later, the police got a call concerning a group of guys at Dooly’s in downtown Fredericton getting “knocked out by an ant’s thick abdomen.” The guys added that is was “thick” with two C’s. Thicc.

Human-sized ants declare war

The ant allegedly announced in the crowded pool hall that him and his ant posse were declaring war.

An internet meme surfaced this year where people said WWlll was in the near future. Recent events have shown that a third World War may be realized sooner than these memers anticipated.

More details to come, but we recommend stocking up on copious amounts of Raid. Forget toilet paper, you need some bug repellent.

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Words by Brad Ackerson No matter the season, Fredericton always has exciting events and activities open to the public.

Below you will find three upcoming events you can attend this April to experience the best Fredericton has to offer. Although this is not a complete list, we try to provide an array of events to attend and things to try. Something you’d like to see included in an upcoming edition of Things to Do? Send your suggestions to editor@thebruns.ca!‍

are immune to Coronavirus, so there is no need to panic when you feel your new buddy’s cold breath on the back of your neck while you sleep.

Loneliness ain’t shit when you’ve got friends who will always be with you. Forever.

Puff n’ Paint w/ the Prez!

While they read books, you study the blade.

While they miss their friends, you study the blade. While they await the arrival of their SkiptheDishes order, you study the blade. While they sleep, you study the blade. While they mock you for spending the last of your money on a decorative katana, you study the blade.

While they live in fear, you do not—for you have studied the blade.

When: April 20th at 4:20 pm Where: In the alley by Dooley’s downtown Twitch.tv Looking to one-up his predecessor’s infamous farewell rave, The Maz himself, our guy Paul, is celebrating his first year as President by combining his two great passions—watercolor painting and dabbing homemade shatter—for one great event! Puff n’ Paint w/ the Prez was originally supposed to take place in the alley by the Dooley’s downtown, behind the dumpster—however, the event will now be livestreamed on Paul’s Twitch channel in order to comply with social distancing. Organizers say Paul will lead a tutorial on painting fun farm animals in watercolor while showcasing products from his new line of homemade cannabis extracts.

Hold a Séance When: Midnight, next full moon Where: In a basement or attic We all could all use a friend right now. Luckily, holding your very own private séance can be a way to make some interesting new friends without putting yourself or others at risk by leaving your home! The great thing about spirits is they

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Master the Blade When: There’s no time like the present Where: Any room without children

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Words by Marlowe Evans | Art by Jules Keenan

The Brunswickan is dedicated to bringing you the most important news and information possible, and we all know what that means—ghost news.

This is the thirteenth time our Séances in the SUB (SITS) team at The Brunswickan has openly risked their lives to find out what’s going on inside the Student Union Building. It was the most dangerous of these ventures to date with the highest fatality rate.

This time, the SITS team went hard—in the bathroom. There is a little-used women’s washroom tucked away behind those random double doors near the entrance to the Cellar. It was in this bathroom that we tragically lost two more reporters to ghosts.

SITS team-leader Mathew Gracie, went too

quickly into the summoning ritual, and dumped the goat’s blood out too early. It washed away the edge of the protection sigil on the bathroom floor, and the spirit that haunts the bathroom was unleashed. Initially, the team thought that everything would be alright, but the spirit quickly proved to be malicious. It wrapped reporters Hannah Rudderham and Taylor Chalker in toilet paper and dragged them back to the netherworld through the sigil.

Gracie did try to recover the reporters, but to no avail.

“I asked the ghost to give them back, but like, it just wouldn’t. The candles had all burnt out at that point. There was nothing I could do,” said Gracie.

Gracie is usually SITS’ best ghost wrangler, but he admits that everyone makes mistakes and that the ghost that they faced in the washroom was stronger than most of the other ghosts in the SUB. “After it took Hannah and Taylor—well it was just laughing at me. All the faucets were overflowing and it kept flushing the toilets over and over again. Those ghosts—they know water is my one weakness,” Gracie explained. It was easy to see the pain in his eyes.

“I wish I could’ve said goodbye to the reporters properly,” said Brad Ackerson, the Brunswickan’s Editor-in-Chief and part-time professional paranormal investigator. “If I’d been on the job and not Matt, this would never have happened.”

As for ghost news, Gracie said that other than stealing reporters and messing with faucets, all this ghost said was, “Goop!” That’s your ghost news for this week.

Applications are now open for new Séances in the SUB team. Two new positions just became available.

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This story has been updated with new information Dead rats were found all over the Student Union Building last week.

“I was on my way to my shift at Tim’s on Wednesday morning and there were rats everywhere. I screamed and immediately left the building,” said Sodexo employee, Patricia Rattus.

The Student Union Building (SUB) is the student hub on campus with a pub, a bar, a convenience store, a cafeteria, a jewellery store, a hairdresser’s and a Booster Juice that magically disappeared one day—but that’s a whole other story.

The Fredericton Police’s Communications Officer, Ratya Rattina, said there were rats “dancing it up” at S-Club, “pounding shots” at the Cellar, and crying in the Blue Room lounge.

“But here’s the thing,” Rattina said, “the rats were dead, so despite how it may sound, there was no activity happening at all. Really nothing suspicious.”

Rattina said the rats were all frozen in their positions at S-Club, the Cellar, the Blue Room, and other respective locations.

None of the dead rats were available for comment.

The rats varied, but the black rat (Rattus Rattus) was the most common species found in the SUB. There were no physical wounds or blood on any of the dead rats.

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The Fredericton police said it was suspected poisoning.

UPDATE: In an attempt to clear the rat bodies from the SUB before students encountered them, animal control, with help from the Fredericton police, used shovels to clear the bodies in an effective manner.

Out of nowhere, the rats rose from the ground

and started attacking the police and animal control officers.

Rattus and Rattina were both on the scene during the attack, but instead of assisting the police and animal control in controlling the rodents, they joined in the attack, sinking their buck teeth into the ankles, necks and arms of the officers.

and as leaders of the rat clan, we instructed the other rats to play dead within the social hub of UNB. When this fight is complete, the rats will have full reign of campus, we will have won,” Rattina said.

“Now put that in your notebook.”

The Brunswickan deemed the situation unsafe to cover any further, but on the way out of the scene, Rattina had some final words for our reporter.

“I infiltrated the police, Ratricia took on Sodexo,

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Here at UNB, we strongly value experiential education. From Renaissance College’s internships to the Engineering and Science Co-op program, there are many opportunities to utilise our education in real life environments.

At first, these opportunities seem wonderful. A closer look, however, shows that some experiential learning placements have a dark underside. Helen Hywater and Joe King, two second-year computer science students, spoke out about their unusual experiences.

“Coming from a small town like Fredericton, and a university like UNB, you just never really expect to be caught up in the maritime mob,” explained King.

“It was shocking really, when we realized what we were doing,” said Hywater. “I figured it must have been a joke the other employees were playing on us.”

Hywater and King found themselves working for a local Fredericton mobster, after receiving an internship placement with Upton O Goode’s kayak rental through UNB’s co-op program.

They were working on coding for a program to predict the outcome of sales based on weather patterns.

“Our coworkers always joked about working for the mob, or at least, we thought they were jokes,” explained King. “Turns out they were pretty serious.”

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The students can’t say very much about what exactly the company was doing, and how they were connected to the mob, as a police investigation is ongoing.

“It wasn’t actually that bad of an experience,” said Hywater with a laugh. “We were still able to practice our learning, and we made some good friends.”

Some students are speaking out on social media, asking the school to be more careful in their coop choosing.

“We really should be asking if the school has our best interests at heart,” one student wrote on facebook, while another took things in a different direction.

“Ha ha. I love it. Gain experience in the workplace and get those mafia connections while you’re at it,” a third year student posted.

Whatever the outcome of the internship, UNB students should use caution when entering new and unknown workplaces, and remember to research the company on their own.

When reached for a comment, UNB declined to say anything.

The ongoing COVID-19 pandemic has forced the shutdown of most public areas, businesses and institutions, including the University of New Brunswick. UNB announced the suspension of all classes for the rest of the semester on March 13, and as of March 24 all classes have moved online.

Needless to say, this has taken a significant amount of adjustment for all those in the university community.

For many professors, this reliance on online services is pushing the limits of their technological knowledge.

“I am one of the few remaining profs original to this institution. I have never once used a D2L page. Why should I start now? They didn’t make us do this for the last influenza pandemic,” said Professor Norman Olde of the history department. He was, of course, referring to the Spanish Influenza epidemic of 1918.

Another professor was caught in an embarrassing situation, unable to use Microsoft Teams, the video calling service most UNB profs have adopted.

“Tigger has been a welcome addition to our virtual classroom,” reports Taylor’s professor, Felicia Wiseman. “And he takes great notes.”

Other students describe a more negative experience.

“Oh my god, it was horrifying,” said one student who wished to remain anonymous. “I had a presentation, so I was sharing my screen. I finished, turned my camera and microphone off, and decided to visit an, uh, adult website.”

The student soon learned that their screen was still sharing with the rest of the class.

“First year biology! There are 300 people in that class,” they languished.

“Dude’s got some weird tastes,” said Noah Jugin, another student in the ill-fated biology class.

With approximately a month remaining in the winter semester, here’s hoping these instances, and others like them, can serve as learning moments, and comedic relief in this trying time.

“I think she thought she had logged off,” said Sabrina Booker, a student in this professor’s class.

“That song, Renegade, I think, came on? She was practicing TikTok dances.”

The professor in question refused to comment, assumingly out of sheer embarrassment. No one in their right mind would admit to learning TikTok dances.

Students, too, report difficulty in coping with this learning transition.

“I find it so difficult to learn in a different environment,” said Kate Taylor, a third year Computer Science student. “So I’ve just decided not to.”

Taylor has instead enlisted her cat, Tigger, to attend her classes for her.

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The staff here at The Brunswickan are seeking the public’s help in solving the disappearance of our business manager, Mathew Gracie. Last seen hurriedly filing taxes and muttering to himself in the Bruns’ offices in the Student Union Building, as of publication he has not been heard from for approximately 72 hours. Could it be linked to the recent séance in the Student Union Building? The recurrence of the Saint John River killer scallops?

The Irvings? At this time we are unsure.

While unexpected, we can say that ever since his first viewing of Shrek the Third two weeks ago, he has been acting erratically—throwing chips at people from the balcony in the SUB, kicking pebbles and acting like an all-around dachshund.

Because of these strange actions, if seen, Matt should be approached with mild caution.

A source wishing to remain anonymous has shared with us a photo, purportedly taken outside of a rodeo near Millinocket, Maine, two days ago.

Matt’s strange actions have apparently extended to rodeo, and he has apparently bonded so closely with his horse that they were heard making plans to ride out for Las Vegas, Nevada to get married.

The Brunswickan has since hired a private investigator to follow up with our source and pursue Matt’s trail. As of yet, results are inconclusive. All that has been turned up so far is this grainy photo

which some believe could be Matt in a gorilla costume outside of a popular picnic area somewhere near Bangor.

Given the grainy quality of the photograph, we cannot confirm or deny its validity.

Our working theory is that Matt has entered what’s commonly known as the “Appalachian Time Vortex” along Canada’s border with the United States, known to function as a ripple in time and space where those who enter rapidly experience a slow descent into Chaos™. Another side effect of the vortex is time dilation, so for Matt, the few days he’s been gone may have, for him, been decades. Should this indeed be the case, expect him to have aged significantly in the time he’s been missing.

We are turning to you, the public to help us recover our beloved friend. Should you have any information, please follow up at managing@ thebruns.ca.

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Words by Jeralyn Gourley Sparks

UNB student and former Brunswickan Arts editor Jack Sparks was detained and executed yesterday at London Gatwick Airport after coughing on a member of airport security while trying to return home to Canada. Postmortem investigation revealed that he had only coughed to dislodge a piece of Haribo candy from his throat. He was 21.

Jack was a skinny white guy with an entirely forgettable appearance and demeanor who was tolerated or reviled by all those who knew him. He was born in Vojens, Denmark to Canadian parents who soon returned to Fredericton to raise him and his younger brother. Jack was often heard pontificating to no one in particular on a number of pretentious subjects really not worth spending any time on, including his extreme distaste for New Brunswick, and Canada as a whole, and pedantic details of the English language, like the word “pontificating.”

In classic privileged Fredericton-kid-style, Jack took a gap year following high school before eventually starting a Business degree, due to his worry that he would be unable to find a job pursuing his true passion, literature.

I know, right?

However, after several years in Business, Jack decided unemployment might be a welcome alternative.

Like a true justgirlythings disciple on her first trip off the continent, Jack had only recently before his death been struck with an acute case of wanderlust and decided to abandon all previous responsibilities and set sail to Europe. If ever there was a sign from God that this was a horrible decision on his part, a global pandemic and a humiliating death-by-candy was probably it.

As Arts editor, Jack often attracted the ire of UNB staff and students, especially in the Arts faculty, with his shallow satires. This really hurt his feelings, and in his last will and testament, Jack wanted it to be made clear that he also held the following faculties in equally visceral contempt: Engineering, Forestry, Science, Kinesiology, Law, Education, Computer Science, Renaissance College, and, in classic self-loathing fashion, even, and especially, Business. Or, sorry, Management.

Family and (few) friends of Jack implore his acquaintances not to despair in this difficult time as he wouldn’t have wanted to leave this earth in any other way.

“Executed due to a hilarious misunderstanding? That sounds like the Jack I knew,” said Ian MacDonald, UNB’s premier self-important engineering student.

“Executed? Why? He probably had it coming. That fool abandoned me in Europe because he wanted to go cry in front of his first home in Denmark. What a simp,” said the indelibly vapid Matt Carson.

An open bar wake will be held at Boom Nightclub this upcoming Sunday. The provincial government has granted special consent to Boom allowing them to host the event, provided no more than ten people attend. This ten person limit is not expected to be a problem for a person of Jack’s extreme unpopularity.

Š DreamWorks Pictures

SPOILERS AHEAD Do you have a movie that you could watch everyday for the rest of your life and never get tired of it? A film that makes you feel such a rainbow of emotions that anything, and everything else in your life feels dull in comparison?

What about a character that is so iconic, so relatable, that if you had to choose between preserving your own legacy and preserving theirs, you would choose theirs everytime?

For me, that movie is Shrek 2.

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your parents who are literal royalty. If that isn’t the dream, I don’t know what is.

However, your hunky green boy-toy is not feeling this trip to meet the parents. He is stressed, he acts out, and suddenly you are stuck in the middle of a weird montage set to the tune of “I Need Some Sleep” by Eels. Yikes.

Now, thanks to a creepy old lady with a god-complex, your marriage is in shambles, your husband is missing and you are passed out in the middle of your parents entryway. The tension is palpable, and the audience is on the edge of their seats.

How will Shrek and Donkey get back into the castle? How will Fiona know that the man claiming to be her husband is actually Prince Charming? (Who btw, looks like an animated version of the hockey player that Jennifer Garner was dating in 13 Going on 30, but that’s another story.)

Most importantly, how did Dreamworks convince Dame Julie Andrews to voice a character in this movie?

I know, this sounds intense. It is. But, have no fear, Shrek and Donkey are absolute UNITS and rise to the occasion.

I want to be clear about something: this film is an emotional roller coaster and will make you feel things that you didn’t know you were capable of.

You will experience despair, stress and loss like never before (please proceed to pour one out for Mongo), but it is all worth it.

Anyway, the moral of this story is that you should probably watch Shrek 2.

Hear me out, what other movie features an interspecies love story, blackmail, assassins and very large baked goods, PLUS an absolutely legendary soundtrack? No other movie can balance the boundaries between action, romance and comedy as elegantly as the second installment of the Shrek series.

I will DIE on this hill.

Picture this: one day you are locked in a tower holding a weird handkerchief and dreaming of a prince and, before you know it, you are married to the ogre of your dreams, living in a super cute cottage-core swamp, and on your way to visit 17

Words by Marlowe Evans

Nearly 30 years ago, The Brunswickan tried to warn local residents about killer scallops in the Saint John River. Now it’s too late.

food-sources available.

Now, a savvy reader may ask why the Irvings were so determined to use their media monopoly to thrust the issue of killer scallops under the rug. The answer is simple: they’re the ones who put the scallops in the river, thirty years ago.

30 years ago, a diver in the St. John River was tragically eaten by killer scallops that had mysteriously appeared along the shore in Fredericton. The Bruns tried to advocate for the eradication of the horrible, aggressive creatures, but the story was buried by Irving-controlled newspapers. They tried to tell the public that the diver had died in a random accident, and that there were no scallops in the Saint John River. The Bruns dove deeper, and now after 30 years, we’re bringing you the truth—even if it’s too late for some.

Thirty years ago, when companies like Irving Oil realized that they were going to have to work even harder to cover up the environmental damage they were causing, they came up with a plan. They would genetically engineer a new breed of scallop to release in Saint John Harbour. These scallops were specially bred to want to eat any journalist, scientist, or environmentalist who was trying to take water samples to do independent water quality tests in and around Saint John. This sounds like a really great way to continue to control all of the public information in the province, (as if buying all the newspapers wasn’t enough!) but the plan went awry.

This February, two winter snorkelers were eaten by the scallops. This is what reopened our initial investigations. The two were on vacation from Cape Breton, and were having a leisurely polar bear dip, swimming between ice floes out on the river. However, their fun was cut tragically short.

When the first snorkeller, David Schroeder dove a little deeper below the surface to look at some lovely smallmouth bass, a killer scallop grabbed him by the leg. His companion, Andi O’Connor, tried to pull him back to the surface, only to be bitten herself. The pair were both dragged to the depths, and devoured by the scallops. The only remains police could find of the pair were their flippers and snorkels. Killer scallops don’t like to eat plastic when there are other

Once they were released, the scallops mutated, and started eating any human being that they could catch. They even learned how to hunt in teams, like orcas are known to do. After several incidents involving young teens trying to make the crossing to Partridge Island going missing, the Irvings paid $75,000 to have the scallops transplanted.

They didn’t want to destroy the scallops in case they could be useful (to sicc against competition later), so they stored the scallops in the less important city of Fredericton. Some people even believe they did so as a means of putting the provincial government on an even tighter leash. Either way, the Saint John River is now chalk full of bloodthirsty scallops. They’ve woken from their 30-year hibernation period, and they’re as ravenous as ever.

We at The Brunswickan urge members of the public to avoid the river.

Wake up—killer scallops are out there. And they’re hungry.

Killer scallop 30 years ago 18

Killer scallop today

Listen, I am really not supposed to be talking about this.

But, when I became a reporter, I made a blood pact with my Editor-In-Chief to deliver the cold, hard facts. So, here it is.

Sodexo is serving soylent green made of students that couldn’t afford to pay their tuition fees.

I might as well tell you everything. I’m not actually a student, I came here with the sole purpose of investigating the large number of students that have been disappearing from campus. I knew there was a reason, I just didn’t know how deep the conspiracy ran.

The wildest part? The actual Sodexo workers have no idea.

Everyday, they clock in, and are brought into a sterile room. There, they are forced to put on their uniform. No, not their blue shirts and aprons, their other

uniform. A rough, leathery skin suit that makes them blend in with other students on campus. They hear only the commands of their leader, The Maz, as he instructs them on which students to shoot with the tranquilizer dart, and which to leave, for now.

As far as they know, the student has committed a crime and must be reprimanded. An appropriate response that is necessary to maintain the utopian harmony on campus. Little do they know, these students are actually shot with a slow-release poison.

From the outside, they look as if they have just fallen asleep in class, or in their dorm room, but then the grabbers come.

These are the only ones on campus that truly understand what is going on. Every 5 years, one Sodexo worker is chosen to ascend. Upon ascension, their moral compass is slowly skewed by acid microdosing, until they are fully comfortable with the murder of innocent students.

They take care of grabbing the “sleeping” students, and bringing them to the kitchens. It is here that they remove their clothing, later to be sold at the UNB clothing swap, and grind their bodies into an unrecognizable sludge. This is then pawned off as the meatless alternative at any sodexo location.

Tofu stir fry? Soylent green. Beyond sausage breakfast sandwiches? Soylent green. Garden Burger? You guessed it, soylent green.

Believe me, I’m sorry to have been the one to tell you this. I, myself, am a vegetarian.

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Words by Taylor Chalker

John Hammond had a dream. He wanted to unite measly humans with the wondrous dinosaurs that we have dreamt of, and studied about, but never actually seen. He was a visionary, with a skewed sense of reality, and a questionable moral compass.

Paul Mazerolle is our John Hammond.

He wants us to have new experiences and broaden our horizons, but a bunch of uncontrollable situations keep popping up and complicating things.

Mazerolle had a plan: step into the presidential role at UNB, host an absolute banger (Pizza with Paul), and guide us all into the magical journey known as ‘post-grad.’ Unbeknownst to him, a rascally little disease popped up, ready within its fenced enclosure for the perfect time to unleash nature’s fury, end term, and overall wreck stuff.

It’s situations like that when I wish that Jeff Goldblum was available to pop on over to campus and provide some comedic relief, all while wearing an unbuttoned shirt despite the fact that the sustained injury was to his leg and not his chest.

But no, we don’t get Jeff Goldblum. We don’t even 20

get Sam Neill or Laura Dern. We get the New Brunswick Government, which is about as useful as Dennis Nedry. You know Nedry, he is the antagonist in Jurassic Park, the dude that tried to smuggle dino embryos for money, simultaneously shutting down security and sending the park into absolute mayhem.

Basically, if Nedry hadn’t been such a negligent, overconfident, egomaniacal jerk, Jurassic Park wouldn’t have been thrown into chaos in the first place. Now, I’m not saying that our government is a narcissistic, money-hungry institution that would rather launch a new surplus budget than recognize the downward spiral that our global community is in, but I’m not NOT saying that.

Anyway, hopefully Mazerolle and the government can figure this one out, because I’m about as useful as that little girl that screams when she sees a Brontosaurus (FYI, that’s a freaking herbivore, idiot).

Otherwise, here’s hoping that Sam Neill, or someone like him, rappels over a concrete wall and into Fredericton, and soon.

Why can’t we just be dinosaurs?

Words by Marlowe Evans

Classes have been cancelled, and it may seem at first that it was due to a certain little illness that’s been making the rounds. However, that is simply not true.

It’s really because Sharkie didn’t see his shadow.

Some may be familiar with the tradition of Groundhog’s Day. We in the Maritimes actually have our very own official groundhog for these purposes— Shubenacadie Sam. Every year on the 2nd of February, he comes out of his burrow, and if he sees his shadow, he’ll go back into his burrow and sleep for another six weeks, meaning that winter will go on until he wakes up. However, if he does not see his shadow, spring will come. A similar procedure goes on at the University of New Brunswick.

There is a reason Sharkie is in charge at the Brunswickan. He is an old god, and he has special powers.

Each year, university administration comes down to the Bruns offices in the Student Union Building. They kidnap Sharkie by throwing an old burlap sack over his head and dragging him to the patio door, facing the library. There, they throw him out into the snow, and remove the sack.

Well the cat’s out of the bag! We at The Brunswickan are tired of our Lord and Saviour Sharkie being thrown onto the patio with a bag over his head! Just ask him to come outside! Just treat him with the dignity and respect he deserves! The university may be over 200 years old, but Sharkie used to chill with dinosaurs. So that means he deserves to be treated with a little bit of care and probably some reverence.

We at the Bruns hope we do not suffer any negative repercussions from the administration’s Truth Squad for having reported on this. We had an editor several years back who tried to bring some of the ancient cult rituals at the school to light, and he disappeared suspiciously from his dorm. Keep your eyes open UNB.

“Lucem uidere tu?” Paul Mazerolle says. (Do you see the light?)

Here Sharkie can either answer, “uero,” (truely) or, “nihil,” (none).

For decades now, Sharkie has always replied, “uero,” and administration allows him to return to the office and continue his hard work as one of our editors.

This year, however, when Sharkie was taken outside, he answered, “nihil.” This means that winter, and winter term, are over.

There is nothing administration could have done.

And they couldn’t let the general population know that their term balances delicately on the ancient eyes of an eldritch herring named Sharkie. So, they blamed everything on the virus, making sure that no one would find out the truth.

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You may have heard the news over the last few years. If climate change continues to steer its course, within 15 to 20 years, the Isthmus of Chignecto—the narrow strip of land that’s the only connection between Nova Scotia and New Brunswick—will flood, completely cutting Nova Scotia off from mainland Canada.

This whole rant has been inspired by something I saw the other day. I was sitting across from a lady on the bus, here in Fredericton, and she’s talking, and I noticed something about her. She has the thickest Cape Breton accent.

And if I’m being honest, I’m thrilled.

As a Nova Scotian, now living in New Brunswick, I have first-hand intel on why Nova Scotia should become an island.

That’s right—haul out your chainsaws and start hacking. There’s only about 20 kilometers of narrow land to clear away. If we all work together, we can do it in no time.

Nova Scotians are crazy. Especially the Cape Bretoners. But seeing as though the Canso Causeway connects Cape Breton to the rest of Nova Scotia, the mainland can now be considered infected as well.

I say infected because Cape Bretoners are, and don’t take this lightly, Elasmobranks. As in, Shark People.

Half-human, half-shark. Google will tell you that these creatures are mythological—that these semi-aquatic humanoids don’t exist. But clearly, these creatures are real. They can change form.

Worse still, unlike regular sharks, these creatures have the ability to breathe air. No one is really safe.

If you’ve ever been to Nova Scotia, in particular, to a Walmart in Nova Scotia during Christmastime, you will have seen the animalistic qualities that could only be displayed by Elasmobranks. Pushing you out of the way, running to a shelf to grab something before you get the chance, biting off cashiers’ heads with their rows of teeth when their coupons are expired, running down the aisle to get you because they smelled your paper cut. You may think I’m exaggerating, but I am only here to spread the truth.

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So I confront her, hoping beyond hope that she isn’t really one of them. I asked, “Excuse me ma’am, but you sound so familiar. Are you by any chance from Cape Breton?”

I blink twice to make sure my eyes don’t deceive me.

On the mention of her homeland, her eyes roll back into her head and I am confronted with the cold, dark eyes of a shark. It was incredible, but terrifying.

I quickly pulled the yellow string and ran off the bus.

Now, Elasmobranks aren’t truly dangerous unless they’re submerged in water. So, though this woman couldn’t hurt me in her half-human form, it was scary, nonetheless.

New Brunswick is already being infected by these sharks. We can’t let what happened to mainland

Nova Scotia happen to the rest of Canada. We can’t wait 20 years for mother nature to take its course!

We have to act now and remove all chances of people like me coming over to New Brunswick. Oops, not people like me. I meant to say, Elasmobranks.

Because I’m obviously not a shark.

Why would I be writing an opinion piece about keeping Elasmobranks entrapped on the Isle of Nova Scotia (that has a nice ring to it don’t you think?) if I was one of them myself? Certainly not because I have plans of creating an underwater pathway for

Elasmobranks to invade mainland Canada in their true form without anyone suspecting a thing.

I am no shark.

Hopefully this argument as to why Nova Scotia should be its own island has been convincing, but excuse me, it’s dinner time and I’ve been salivating over this recipe I’m trying out in the crock-pot—squid and sea lion stew.

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Louis

Geronimo

“The window is always open—I think they’re trying to freeze me to death.”

“They keep sneezing on me. They stand too close and breathe on me all day...can plants get COVID-19?”

June “They gave me the nicest patch of sun to sit in!”

Robert

Gumbi

“The cat has already tried to eat me. Twice.”

“They named me Gumbi!”

Charlise “The human blatantly told me they don’t think I’ll last long.”

Want to share a cartoon of your own? Submit it to editor@thebruns.ca and it may be used in an upcoming issue!

Send any questions regarding school, university culture, or life in general to dearsharkie@thebruns.ca in less than 100 words for a chance to gain really bad advice from everyone’s favourite red herring. Disclaimer: Please don’t actually follow this advice.

Dear Sharkie, What the fuck is wrong with this copy of The Brunswickan? What in god’s name is going on here?

-Anne of Green Gables Dear Anne, Oh jeez, did we really write a whole edition of the magazine and put it online from home? Did we really do layout, come up with a whole host of really creative ideas that may or may not have been introduced to us by Dionysus? Did we really review Shrek? Did we really accuse the Irvings of putting bloodthirsty scallops in the river? Did we really expose the SUB for being full of dead rats? Did we, a simple student publication, presume to fight off the crazy that’s going on in the world right now with a little laughter? Yeah. We did all that.

Laugh a little, Anne. We might seem a little wild, from what you’ve read in this, but for me at least, this edition of the magazine has kept me sane. What’s wrong with this copy of The Bruns?

Happy April Fool’s Day.

Are you looking for a job for the next academic year?

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