Daily Herald the Brown
vol. cxliv, no. 42 | Mecredi, le 1 Avril, 2009 | Servicing the community daily since 1891
Second SDS attempt to storm U. Hall ends in tragedy By Trey Boucher Senior Staff Writer
A male undergraduate student was rushed to Rhode Island Hospital yesterday with severe spinal injuries after friends launched him from an improvised catapult at University Hall during an unscheduled meeting of the Corporation. The student, Trevor Demers ’11, lost consciousness upon colliding with the brick face of the historic building, authorities said, and will likely face partial or full paralysis from the neck down. A member of the group Students for a Democratic Society, Demers was reportedly trying to make his way through a window and into the third-floor room where the University’s highest governing body was meeting. Members of the same activist student group tried to forcibly enter University Hall during a meeting of the Corporation in October. According to a police report, about 14 students gathered on the Main Green around 9:15 a.m.
By Roberta Livengood Senior Staf f Writer
chemistr y class,” said Dudez, a 225-pound linebacker. “Going to Wheeler has helped me in a way that my TA never could.” But new academic skills are not the only fruits of the new program. “For sure, I mean, I definitely think I’ve made friends with my tutor,” Dudez said. “She made me
Seeking to cut non-educational expenses, the University announced Tuesday it would sell its controlling stake in the College Hill Independent to The Herald, effective immediately. The sale, brokered by Executive Vice President for Finance and Administration Beppie Huidekoper and approved over the weekend by UCS’s Student Activities Committee, will save the University the $80,000 it spends annually to subsidize production of the neo-postcurricular newsmagazine. The move is not without risk. Herald business staffers said the move carries a risk of declining revenues — the Independent has so far demonstrated little appeal to advertisers outside of the consignment clothing sector. Herald copy editors will be required to undergo training in irony-detection next week, but other wise business will proceed as usual, Herald President Steve DeLucia ’10 said as he announced the acquisition last night. University officials described the move as necessar y in light of uncertain economic times. “Given that we’ve been operat-
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Carl Marks / Herald
A student was hospitalized Tuesday after a group attempt to storm University Hall.
Tuesday wheeling a “catapult-like machine” and banging drums. After a brief theatrical performance, in which students acted out “old white men crushing the dreams of young people,” they positioned Demers in the catapult’s basket. Providence Chief of Police Dean
Esserman described the device that launched Demers as “a dangerous weapon that should never have been used to propel a human being.” The device was aimed at a thirdfloor window in University Hall, the police report said, but the students misfired and propelled Demers into
the brick face of the building just left of the window. In a press conference early Tuesday evening, President Ruth Simmons expressed her “deep regret” at Demers’ injuries. “This is a terrible day for the University,” she said. “Our continued on page 2
Tutoring program unites football team, Wheeler School By Melbourne Coal Senior Staff Writer
Every Wednesday, Matt Dudez ’10 enters one of the seventh-grade science classrooms at the Wheeler School and settles into a plastic chair next to Erin Spark, who says she loves Bunsen burners and equations. The two huddle over a notebook filled with scribbles and doodles as
Herald to acquire Indy
they become engrossed in their weekly tutoring session, laughing and gesturing as they complete the day’s assignment. The program is part of a new tutoring initiative instituted by Football Coach Phil Estes to “foster a close-knit, functional, necessary relationship between today’s youth and my athletically talented — but not always school-oriented — athletes,” he said.
Estes said he noticed low selfesteem among his players during recent practices, leading him to propose a way for his team to “get back in the game, both athletically and academically.” The result was weekly tutoring sessions, when students such as Dudez go over problem sets or study for upcoming exams with the seventh graders. “I frequently struggled in my
Romano Prodi brings back Trattoria
sci-li renovations revealed
By Martin Amore Staf f Writer
Visiting professor Romano Prodi, a former Italian prime minister and president of the European Commission, has arranged to return the Trattoria to its regular spot in the Sharpe Refectory rotation, a University spokesperson confirmed Tuesday. Though critics had characterized the move as a return to “gastronomic imperialism,” Prodi argued that “the Trattoria is a cornerstone of the international cross-understanding he hopes to promote at Brown, and we have obliged him in that request,” said Marisa Quinn, director of public affairs and University relations. Prodi had reportedly been in intense discussions with Refectory officials for weeks over how to arrange a politically palatable demise of the unpopular “Tastes of the World” line
Mary Catherine Lader / Herald The revamped SciLi has received complaints of “phallicocity.”
News.....1-4 Spor ts...5 Editorial..6 Lolcats...6.5 O p i n i n g. . . 7 Today........8
Eric Beck / Herald
“Mamma mia!” the former prime minister exclaimed.
and return the pizza and pasta station to its former glory. “It was especially important to the prime minister that the Refectory resume serving on a regular basis both apple pie dessert pizza, which is a traditional Italian dish with a great history, and overcooked fusilli,” said Nandeeni Dellafishco,
a Prodi spokeswoman. The Refectory will now also feature ambient accordion music and will play a tape of Dean Martin singing “That’s Amore” on continuous loop, she added. Prodi also hopes to visit Via Via IV next week, Dellafishco said, to “pay his respects to the management.”
New Fraternity Leave Policy Implemented Updated guidelines allow for time with bros, hos
You won’t believe where Bill Russell wears his eleventh championship ring
Herald to reduce Allotted headline SpCost-cutting measures limit content availability
195 Angell Street, Providence, Rhode Island
THE BROWN DAILY HERALD
C ampus o oze
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
“Trevor fought for his two greatest loves — institutional transparency, and flying.” — Bill Demers, father of Trevor Demers
Facebook: Guy with beard SDS suffers near-casualty after U. Hall seige not actually a RUE student continued from page 1
by Mark Zuckerman Contributing Writer
According to a recent Facebook search, that guy in history section with a thick beard and growing bald spot is surprisingly not a RUE student, despite obvious evidence to the contrary. The guy, who appears to be at least 45 years old, was apparently born in 1989 and graduated from Grand Rapids High School in 2007. Sources were unable to confirm that this is clearly bullshit. Apparently you’re supposed to believe that his business casual getup and shoulder-slung laptop carrying case are meant to be ironic. The guy — who completes every assignment with a thorough-
ness and enthusiasm only possible from a former cocaine addict — is apparently not yet old enough to drink even though he looks old enough to be your dad. Despite being divorced and paying alimony for two to three middleschool aged children, the guy is listed as ironically “engaged” to a fraternity brother.
Freshman not drunk, freshman says
HOPE COLLEGE — Although, granted, someone — “maybe” him — puked in the water fountain in the hallway, Tom Dooney ’12 is not drunk, he told reporters. “I’m just like, having a good time,” Dooney, who is wearing only boxers, socks and a baseball cap, said. “I am not drunk because I am only have (sic) spicy withs and I am not having not drunk spicies,” he said triumphantly, referring to the Josiah’s speciality, the Spicy Chicken with Cheese. Further pressed, Dooney explained “I don’t drink. I’m not twentyone.” Under fire recently from peers who say he is “wasted,” Dooney lashed out at his critics, whom he described as “sluts.” He also specu-
lated as to whether or not the persons in question were not indeed homosexual. Beyond questioning the motives of those who say he is pretty far gone, Dooney accused his critics of themselves being drunk, arguing that “everyone is shitfaced, so like” before leaving to urinate in an adjacent room. By way of demonstrating his sobriety, Dooney attempted to walk in a straight line, narrowly but successfully averting a doorframe. He also located a roommate’s introductory Italian textbook and proceeded to read a randomly selected passage, concluding, “I don’t even speak Italian and I just spoke Italian, that’s how not drunk I am.” Dooney’s pants could not be located at press time.
Daily Herald the Brown
Editorial Phone: 401.351.3372 | Business Phone: 401.351.3260 Stephen DeLucia, President Michael Bechek, Vice President
Jonathan Spector, Treasurer Alexander Hughes, Secretary
The Brown Daily Herald (USPS 067.740) is an independent newspaper serving the Brown University community daily since 1891. It is published Monday through Friday during the academic year, excluding vacations, once during Commencement, once during Orientation and once in July by The Brown Daily Herald, Inc. POSTMASTER please send corrections to P.O. Box 2538, Providence, RI 02906. Periodicals postage paid at Providence, R.I. E-mail herald@ browndailyherald.com. World Wide Web: http://www.browndailyherald.com. Subscription prices: $319 one year daily, $139 one semester daily. Copyright 2009 by The Brown Daily Herald, Inc. All rights reserved.
prayers are with Trevor.” The student’s father, Bill Demers, also appeared at the press conference. Overcome with grief, he spoke about his son’s “two greatest loves — institutional transparency, and flying.” Members of SDS appeared to have built the launching device, Esserman said, out of “rotting wood, fallen branches and some industrial materials — all recycled.” “We wanted to stand up to those pigs without compromising our principles,” said an SDS member who
spoke on the condition of anonymity. “In hindsight, fabricated parts might have been worth the small scrape on Mother Nature’s knee.” Chancellor Thomas Tisch ’76, who was leading a meeting of the Corporation’s budget and finance committee inside the building, called the accident “a great tragedy — not least because we never got to hear what he had to say.” The impact of Demers hitting the building sounded like “a big smack,” he added. Trustee John MacDonald ’67 said the meeting concluded with a
resolution to prevent further impactrelated disturbances by installing sound-proofing material behind the building’s drywall. “We cannot have our meetings disrupted like this,” he said. MacDonald said the committee was discussing plans “to cut off the heat to dorms to free up money for our gold-plated toilets” at the time of the incident. “There was just this awful noise, like someone was crushing a child’s skull to scoop out his brains for a stew,” he said. “But that’s another project.”
New fundraiser to ‘develop’ straw into gold By Hoover Shanley Staf f Writer
Reeling from the loss of one third of Brown’s endowment and the prospect of reduced alumni giving for years to come, University officials moved this week to replace Senior Vice President for University Advancement Ronald Vanden Dorpel MA’71 with John Rumpelstiltskin PhD’63. Sources close to the president’s office report that the move was prompted by the troll-like former hedge fund manager’s promise to weave straw into gold. Speaking on condition of anonymity, faculty members from
the Departments of Economics, Chemistry and English responded to the news with a mix of outrage and skepticism. But Professor of Alchemy Arkwynn the Elder called the change “a great idea.” “I’m glad the University is finally heeding the advice of scholars such as myself,” Elder said. “Her majesty Ruth Simmons shall not be disappointed.” Vice President for Public Affairs and University Relations Marisa Quinn defended the hiring Tuesday, pointing out that peer institutions had also sought innovative solutions to cope with the financial crisis. In another move that turned
heads, Har vard University announced last month that autoparts magnate F. Archibald Midas would take over management of its endowment, and New York University last week announced that renowned auctioneer Ar thur Sotheby will serve as an consultant on plans to introduce a trial merit-blind admissions program. Despite widespread criticism from the scientific community, President Ruth Simmons stands behind the decision to hire Rumpelstiltskin. “They say the notion of weaving straw into gold is crazy,” Simmons said. “I’ll tell you what’s crazy — $800 million disappearing into thin air.”
you think you are? Look, sometimes there’s legit news in this paper. Maybe UCS passed a resolution yesterday, or a student is making a documentary. I don’t know, maybe you should read the paper to find out.
Blah blah blah blah it doesn’t even matter what goes here because you’ve already folded the paper in half so you’re never going to read this unless maybe your folded square of newsprint falls onto the ground by accident and you had to pick it up then you might briefly glimpse something informative before you returned to filling in your stupid numbers in the grid. Too bad you’re not going to read this because we deliberately fucked with the Sudoku today — it doesn’t work. Bitch. Newspapers exist so you can be free, informed and self-governing! How could you not want to be free, informed and self-governing? Who the hell are you? Did you even bother glancing at the front page? Aren’t you even a little bit curious about what was going on with that catapult? You think the prof doesn’t notice the newsprint on top of your notebook? Clearly you’re taking notes like everyone else. Puh-leeze. You’re no better than the kid next to you on Facebook on his laptop. And now you’re looking at him... HELLO! Still talking here! So there you are, scribbling away with your little numbers, uninformed and uneducated. Serves you right. Whatever, I’m over it.
Reader oblivious to all but Sudoku by Your hot mom Senior MILF
HELLOOOO — Hey, you! Yeah, you. What if this were an important article? Why do you always dive straight for the Sudoku? Who do
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
THE BROWN DAILY HERALD
C ampus D UDES Student also got into Harvard
by Shooter mcgavin Staff Writer
PERKINS — Though most of his peers presumably went to Brown because it was the best school they got into, Brian Walsh ’12 actually got into Harvard, he said Tuesday. “Yeah, I always had (Brown) as my top choice, even though I could have gone to like, Harvard,” he said, unprompted, during a conversation among hallmates. “I was waitlisted at Princeton, too. It was bullshit though,” Walsh added. After peers failed to sufficiently
In an eleventh-hour decision yesterday, the Brown Concert Agency announced that little-known rapper Nas has been pulled from the Spring Weekend lineup, to be replaced by none other than rapper, actor and former volunteer police officer Shaquille O’Neal. O’Neal emerged in the public eye with his 1993 debut album “Shaq Diesel”, and perhaps hit the height of his fame and popularity with his lead role in the critically acclaimed 1996 bildungsroman “Kazaam.” After fading out of the spotlight and into obscurity for over a decade, O’Neal re-emerged last summer when, at a New York nightclub, he premiered his new hip-hop single, “Kobe, Tell Me How My Ass Tastes (Can’t Do It Without Me).” O’Neal initially declined a BCA offer due to an anticipated extended gig in Phoenix beginning in mid-April. But with this previous engagement looking bleak, O’Neal made the call to ask if the offer still stood, and the BCA jumped at the chance to bring “a real superstar” to Spring Weekend. While Nas expressed disappoint-
“Max, Max, you need to send a fax? Hello, Adam, where is Eve?” — Jose, Ratty swiper
Idaho blue state unpopular
ment, he stood by the decision the BCA made. “Sure, it’s disappointing for me, but man, this is Shaquille we’re talking about, he’s one of the cats that paved the way for guys like me,” Nas said. The decision has not been without controversy, however. The Friday night concert, which the BCA is hyping as a sure “Diesel-tastic throwdown,” has provoked angry responses from the Asian American Students Association, who cited O’Neal’s racially insensitive remarks, directed towards fellow prodigious TV personality Yao Ming, of whom O’Neal was reportedly jealous after Yao a spot in a T-Mobile commercial. “I sincerely apologize to the Oriental community, and please know that y’all are the last group of people I want mad at me,” O’Neal said in a statement. “I mean, there’s like ten trillion of you in the world, and y’all know kung fu, plus I love General Tso’s chicken, so I don’t want any beef with the Asian community.” With the controversy now cleared up, O’Neal is ready to go. “I’m pumped. I just hope the ladies are ready for me,” he said, accompanied by a subtle pelvic gesture. “It’s gonna be one Shaq-tastic night.”
f r o m t h e r at t y
Cashier twitter from “cash$hos”
acknowledge the fact that he is actually overqualified to go here, Walsh cleverly took advantage of an opportunity to reiterate his point. “Yeah, I know what you mean about the Ratty,” he interjected. “At like, Harvard, the food is a lot better, although I only know from like, the re-visit day I went to last spring.” According to sources in Walsh’s medieval history class, the student has exhibited similar behavior in the past, casually mentioning that he always remembers Charlemagne was crowned emperor in 800 because that was also his score on the SAT writing section.
Shaq to replace Nas at Spring Weekend by Alonzo Mourning Senior Staff Writer
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Hiiiiiiiiaaaahhhhh... 6:11 p.m. from gail Hiyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy… 3:55 p.m. from gail Long lines today, no idea why! New card flip very popular so far. Behind the back! 12:40 p.m. jose
Crash Bandicoot / Herald Blue State Coffee’s new location near Idaho State has not been successful.
Paper merger to cut U. costs continued from page 1 ing the econ department without qualified TAs all semester, we just couldn’t justify the expense of keeping the Independent afloat,” Huidekoper said. “To be spending that much for fixedgear bicycles and cigarettes just seemed inappropriate.” The costs, she said, “finally grew to outweigh the benefits” of providing a steady stream of
meta-reflection and self-indulgent analysis to the campus. Approached last night while taking a smoke break on the steps of the Rockefeller Librar y, Indy Managing Editor Maude La Joie said the publication was glad the University was able to find a buyer. “As long as someone is willing to shell out enough to shield us from our own irrelevance, you know, whatever,” she said.
Max, Max, you need to send a fax? Hello, Adam, where is Eve? Adam, Adam, Madam. Here, you swipe it yourself… 11:01 a.m. from jose Sidneeeey. Sidney Frank! Are you two married? Are you his mother? 10:10 a.m. from jose Come ASAP if u want bacon, running out fast – going to be kielbasa soon!!! 9:15 a.m. from fatima Good morning… bacon this morning! 8:04 a.m. from fatima
CAMPUS NEWS & GOSSIP
Meet the corporation!
Horace PennyBagues ’60 Day Job: Monopolist Worst investment decision: My daughter convinced me to let her invest her allowance in High School Musical, the company. Most embarrassing country club moment: Wearing the same polo shirt two days in a row. My golf buddies still won’t let me live that one down… Best memory at Brown: Meeting all the fantastic kids of the Brown Investment Group. I hope you all still have my business card!
Cruella Sanders ’76 P’04 P’06 Robert ‘Billy’ Thurston P’03 Day Job: Oil baron Interests: Country music, trucks and God. Bitches! Favorite phrase: “You ain’t oilfield, you ain’t shit.” And that’s God’s honest truth. Why Brown?: The two I’s: immortality and immorality. I hate this place. It turned my son gay and costs 50k a year. But I want a building with my name in big, gold letters. To drink?: Starbucks misto soy cappuccino with Splenda.
Slam, bam, poetry jam
indivisible like some prime number, and number than ever. Why so empty and queasy? Not easy to answer, but Hey. So you bought a thesaurus. Po- wordplay saves the day. Now somerous thesaurus glorious. Got some- one will listen! Your rhymes might be thing to say so you’ll say it, Roget it ache-worthy, wooden stake-worthy, risqué it say it. vampire-style. Your verse is nothing You need to express depress con- but scraps, and still you get snaps — fess — have to share it, you swear NOT claps, that’s so establishment it, no expense spared on these your — from an audience hooked on bawdiwords, silver words, gold’s kin you just ness. Validation triggers salivation wrote down in that — (l’appétit vient en ARTS & CULTURE mangeant) The Apred Moleskine. So much inside you that needs to petite Grows As You Eat — and now escape, needs to shed the lead parka you bleat, self-proclaimed aesthete this stifling silence imposes. (forget about discreet). You bare it all, Oh look! A microphone. Now your hope someone will care at all — please filament thoughts shake off their man- please spare us all. You appear sincere, acles, your expressions express and but my ear hears through your cashconfessions confess your oppression. mere veneer. “Why am I here? Why Red blood race race RACE through do I fear? Am I queer?” — oh dear. you, undo you. $46,000 a year. “Is this thing on? Cool.” Tear? “Speak Your Mind!: Spoken Word You’re twenty, you’ve got plenty, but down down in your Narcissus ’09” runs Friday and Saturday at 8 places you feel invisible, risible, as if p.m. in the Underground. By Ezra Kilogram Contributing Writer
– by Milena Suedi
Ruth J. Simmons Day Job: Financier Resume: Previously president of five other universities, including Ohio State University, Vanderbilt University and Brown (during a first, muchtroubled stint in the 90s). Inherited vast petroleum fortune as a teenager. Favorite beverage: Diet root beer. Pet peeves: Missing Ratty cups, Bergeron before her morning coffee. Best place for a quick escape: Foxwoods on blackjack night Biggest Brown regret: Not getting the Sci-Li destruction plan approved by my fellow corporation members.
Day Job: Aristocrat/Homemaker Favorite food: Definitely the fish that my husband catches off our boat in the Bahamas. We only have a rustic little kitchen on the yacht, but boy do our cooks manage to fry up the fish perfectly. In terms of ethnic food, I would say Swedish. Biggest achievement as a parent: My children have such diverse friends. It’s a joy to see them learn about different cultures and beliefs. Just yesterday my son Maximilian was playing with his little Catholic friends on the Upper West Side! Imagine! Most overused word: Not that I spoil my children, but my most overused phrase is probably “put your pony away, Henrietta.” My daughter always forgets to put her horses in the stables!
Leticia Valenzuela Rodriguez-Smith ’86 Day Job: Corporate lawyer Favorite food: Salmon provencal, filet mignon and ... tacos? Favorite memory from home: New Jersey outlet malls, visits to jazz clubs in New York No, your real home: Oh, you mean Argentina? I don’t really speak Spanish, but I like the desserts. Hope for Brown’s future: More financial aid, better access to crosscultural resources and greater diversity of foods in Taste of the World line.
‘Stonerexia’ an epidemic on campus By Mary Jayne Staff Dealer
A team of researchers in the Brown Department of Psychology have identified an alarming trend among college students — stonerexia. Though the more common forms of “-rexias” are “definitely and totally known across the country,” said Robert McCamferty, professor of psychology and lead author of the paper — published in Psychology Today last week — the new trend is “particularly alarming.” The “disease,” McCamferty said,
is characterized by a person’s unwillingness to consume nourishment throughout the day in anticipation of what he called “the munchies.” “After a particularly intense social event in which marijuana is inhaled, ingested, vaporized or bonged, people often find themselves desperately searching for something cheesy or sugary,” he said. These unstoppable feasts — during which participants can consume entire pizzas or pans of cookies before realizing they are even eating — can drive “stoners” to save on calories throughout the day so that they can gorge themselves
without guilt. “When I’m in that state where I subconsciously find myself methodically dipping my hands into a carton of goldfish, I don’t want to have to think about the burger I consumed earlier in the day,” said Jay Gold ’10, a self-described “connossieur of herbal refreshments.” “There are few things as pleasurable as eating stoned,” echoed Barry Man ’09, who was holding a suspiciously pipe-like implement at the time of the interview. “So, I mean, why would I eat unless food could taste three million times better?”
43% of UCS members don’t know what UCS does By Stu Dent-McGovern Contributing Writer
Though a majority of Undergraduate Council of Students members — 54.3 percent — hold a favorable opinion of the Council, a significant minority have ‘no opinion’ of UCS, according to a recent Herald Poll. Only 2.7 percent of UCS members hold a negative opinion of the group. The 43 percent of UCS members without an opinion on their organization is on par with previous years’s results, though responses where phrased differently. In the spring 2008 poll, 39 percent of members replied “Don’t know/ Don’t give a shit.” UCS President Brian Becker ’09 said he was “satisfied” by the majority approval rating. He added that the high proportions of UCS
members with no opinion was “of no concern to (him).” UCS Communications Chair Clay Wertheimer ’10 said “The members that do have an opinion on (UCS) approve of their own activities over whelmingly. We need to reach out to the rest of the Council (and) let them know what issues they’ve been working on and how they’re affecting life on campus.” Several first-year members of UCS said they did not have enough information to form an opinion. “I thought I was circulating a petition to legalize same-sex marriage in the Sudan,” said Anna Vose ’12, “But instead the signatures got me onto UCS.” “I can’t form an opinion of the council until I know their position on same-sex marriage in the Sudan,” added Vose, who has yet to
attend a meeting. One member said he was unable to form an opinion of the council despite dedicated participation. “I attend ever y meeting and take notes,” Samuel Leon ’12, a general body member, said. But, he added, “I’m still not sure exactly what UCS is.” UCS is not the only campus organization reacting to the poll results. Students for a Democratic Society member Joe Johns ’10 called the poll results “troubling.” “UCS is so closed, they don’t even know what they do. Brown SDS sees it as our responsibility to bring transparency to the Council,” Howard said. SDS members forced their way into last week’s UCS meeting, where Vice President Mike McCombie ’10 escorted them to the couches reserved for members of the public.
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
THE BROWN DAILY HERALD
C ampus N UDES
Winter sports: Blah freaking blah
By Band Ruaca Spor ts Editor
Robbie Corey-Boulet / Herald
Matt Dudez ’10 and 7th-grader Erin Spark share notes at the Wheeler School’s cross-registration program.
Linebacker, 7th grader enjoy cross-cultural exchange continued from page 1 see the importance of balancing equations for real.” Spark shared the sentiment. “I think Matt is really improving,” she said. “He might be able to do well on the next test if he thinks about it a lot.”
Since the program began last month, Estes said he has noticed a marked improvement in his players’ confidence. “They’re doing well in their classes now,” he said. “I only hope the middle-school students can learn something from our physically strapping guys, too.”
Ugh, problem set due By Anjali (INd. English) Staf f Linguist
SCI LI, 9TH FLOOR — Even though there was a midterm like last week and none of the answers are in the back of the book, Problem Set No. 11 is due tomorrow, your syllabus reports. As of press time, you had not yet started the problem set, and while sources report that chapter 13 absolutely blows, there will not be any extensions, according to an e-mail obtained by The Herald from your TA, Ivana Reginova GS, which was obviously written partially with the aid of freetranslation.com. “In that the homework sets are an essential peel (sic) of your study of the field of mathematics, you must turn in your homework problem set without an extended period,” Reginova wrote. Given that you currently have a
91 average, you briefly considered dropping the problem set, until you remembered that you already used your one drop on Problem Set No. 2 back in January, technically, when you slept through your alarm and the fucking TA wouldn’t accept it after 12 p.m. Making things worse, you discovered recently, is the fact that Problem Set No. 11 has no fewer than 12 Jesus-flipping problems, some of which are divided into parts a, b, c and even an are-youjoking-me c-sub-Roman-numeral-i through iii. Sources close to you confirmed that you were unable to even do the reading for Chapter 13 this weekend due to an unexpected trove of Season 3 episodes of “The West Wing” that turned up on the Internet. Your only friend in the class, who also still has your lab book, was unavailable for comment — fuck.
I get tired of leading every article with the words “It was a rough weekend for the Bears.” Each weekend seemed to go something like this: The men’s basketball team lost a pair of close games that slipped away down the stretch. That might have had something to do with the fact that four starters played at least 38 minutes apiece in each game. The women’s basketball team lost its games by posting scores that a football team might consider decent, as the leading scorer poured in a whopping nine points. But they did show for titude in cutting the deficit to 12-8 at one point. Both hockey teams probably lost twice. The men were schizophrenic, going 2-0-2 against Har-
vard and 3-23-3 against ever yone else. The women were shut out twice, after which Head Coach Digit Murphy all-too candidly bemoaned her team’s shortcomings to our reporter. Ah, the terrible things we could have printed if we were vengeful.
SPORTS The gymnastics and wrestling teams posted a lot of individual results, but to be honest none of us was ver y good at covering those teams. As for the other winter teams, equestrian, fencing, skiing, squash, swimming and track and field, they probably did something on any given week that we didn’t cover. We don’t have enough reporters, but there are other good reasons. The equestrian team doesn’t
compete anywhere near campus. Hell, they practice all the way out in Warren, which still strikes me as a strange place for a farm. And covering fencing always ends in far too many Zorro references. Sure, the skiing team was always in New Hampshire and we often couldn’t find the results online for days, but the real reason we avoided covering them was my envy. I ski four days a year, but sometimes I dream that if I had grown up as a ski bum I could have become a pretty good racer. Squash just seems too snobby. The swimming and diving teams were forced to host “home” meets at Wheaton College because the Department of Athletics wasn’t forward-thinking enough to flood the gravel pit where Smith Swim Center used to be. And we just don’t care that much about track and field.
Editorial & Letters The Brown Daily Herald
Page 6 | Wednesday, April 1, 2009
e d i to r i a l
Yes we can! It’s time to stop beating around the bush: Brown has started down the slippery slope to state-schoolism, and its students are paying the price. With the economy in shambles, an Ivy League degree isn’t worth what it once was. Nepotism is dying, and employers are increasingly concerned with what they deem “employee production value” — their goodwill towards Brown’s brand of indolent intellectual-elitism is waning. It’s time to get real: Surrender dreams of self-employed artistry and halfhearted philanthropy; break ground in fields once deemed gaudy and shallow. What we need are politicians and pundits, execs and entrepreneurs—in short, difference-makers, people who can pull this country together. Skeptics will say it’s impossible, that the coma of our liberalism is too deep. But if we retool and re-motivate — if we start now — there’s still a chance we can turn things around. This editorial is meant to inspire, not discourage — we wouldn’t address a problem if we didn’t have a solution in mind. Though the upcoming battle with reality is sure to be trying, we at the editorial page board have once again found your ticket to salvation: Adderall. A recent Herald poll revealed that last semester 89.9 percent of Brown students abstained from illegal use of prescription stimulants. All we have to say is this: What the hell, guys? Honestly. This is just the type of apathy that’s brought the University to an abysmal 16th in U.S. News and World Report’s ranking of top national universities. If you want to change the world, if you want to save Brown’s reputation and maybe, one day, get a job, you’re going to have to make some sacrifices, bend a few rules. Stop whining about your apprehensions. Listen to your hipster L.A./N.Y. friends: Adderall’s purported side effects are just shallow attempts by THE MAN to keep you from realizing your potential. We’re sick of watching you squander Wednesday nights drooling over books in the absolute quiet room or sweating on drunken freshman at Fish Co. The world is falling apart! This is no time to slack off. We’d like to highlight the success of Brunonian Sean Quigley as proof of just what one can accomplish with the help of study drugs; armed with only God’s word and a handful of 30mg extended release tablets, Sean has managed to beat back the legions of naysaying Trustafarians. While the Cellucci-Stripper scandal of 2008 bars us from advocating recreational use of the drug, take a page out of Sean’s book and cheek one or two next time you’re headed to the library. Speed up — it’s time to make a difference! Ready for change? Need help scoring? Call Anish Mitra, dealer to the stars, at (401) 863-3953. Editorials are written by The Herald’s editorial page fascists. Send comments to firstname.lastname@example.org.
e l b r o w n d a i ly h e r a l d
l e t t e r to t h e e d i to r s
U. should seek out profitable business ventures To the Editor: Permit me to inform you of our desire of going into business relationship with you.I am quite aware that my message will come to you as a surprise because it is indeed very strange for someone you have not met before to contact you in this regard.I am Ms.Eve Kone the only daughter of late Chief.and Mrs.Dikko Kone. My father was a very wealthy Coccoa merchant in Abidjan, the economic capital of Ivory coast, my father was poisoned to death by his business associates on one of their outings on a business trip . My mother died when I was a baby and since then my father took me so special.Before the death of my father on March 2006 in a private hospital here in Abidjan he secretly called me on his bed side and told me that he has the sum of(Seven million,five hundred thousand United State Dollars).USD($7.500,000,00)left in fixed / suspense account in one of the prime bank here in Abidjan, that he used my name as his only daughter for the next of Kin in depositing of the fund.He also explained to me that it was because of this wealth that he was poisoned by his business associates.That I should seek for a foreign partner in a country of my choice where I will transfer this money and use it for investment purpose
such as real estate or hotel management. Dear, I am honourably seeking your assistance in the following ways: (1) To provide a bank account into which this money would be transferred to. (2) To serve as a guardian of this fund since I am only 22years. (3) To make arrangement for me to come over to your country to further My education and also to secure a resident permit in your country. Moreover,Dear I am willing to offer you 15% of the total sum as compensation for your effort/ input after the successful transfer of this fund into your nominated account overseas. Furthermore,Dear please indicate your options towards assisting me as I believe that this transaction would be conclude within seven (7) days you signify your interest to assist me. Anticipating to hear from you urgently. Thanks and God bless. Yours Sincerely, Ms.Eve Kone. March 30
Сосновый лес. Чистое экологичное место To the Editor:
Срочно продаю 103 гектара земли по цене 880 рублй за сотку. Состоит из 4 участков: 12 га,16 га, 28 га, 47 га. Земля находится в 190 км от МКАД. Тверская область. До Волги 800м. Асфальтированная дорога до участка. Электричество по границе. Ведется газификация. Красивый вид. Сосновый лес. Чистое экологичное
Также есть участки по первой и второй линии берега Волги. Контактный тел. (495) 2204-022 March 31
C O R R E C T I O N S P olicy The Brown Daily Herald is committed to providing the Brown University community with the most accurate information possible. Corrections may be submitted up to seven calendar days after publication. C ommentary P O L I C Y The editorial is the majority opinion of the editorial page board of The Brown Daily Herald. The editorial viewpoint does not necessarily reflect the views of The Brown Daily Herald, Inc. Columns, letters and comics reflect the opinions of their authors only. L etters to the E ditor P olicy Send letters to email@example.com. Include a telephone number with all letters. The Herald reserves the right to edit all letters for length and clarity and cannot assure the publication of any letter. Please limit letters to 250 words. Under special circumstances writers may request anonymity, but no letter will be printed if the author’s identity is unknown to the editors. Announcements of events will not be printed. advertising P olicy The Brown Daily Herald, Inc. reserves the right to accept or decline any advertisement at its discretion.
Opinions The Brown Daily Herald
Listen to me BY HAROLD COLUMNIST
Wednesday, April 1, 2009 | Page 7
The New Order LORD KENNEDY Guest Columnist
Guest Columnist I have a lot of opinions, so I decided to write this column. I think that everyone should know my opinions, because I have a lot of valuable suggestions for the Brown community. For one thing, we could improve our dining halls by having better food. Good food is delicious, so we should ask the Ratty workers to make some. Some examples of good food include Antonio’s Pizza and magic bars, and those special brownies my roommate made last year on Spring Weekend. They were also magic. We should change the name of the University, because brown is the color of poop, and I’m sick of my friends at other elite peer institutions making fun of me. If we are to compete with Harvard and Yale, we need to have a more prestigious-sounding name, like “Green,” which is the color of money. If we changed our name, I think it would bring more money to our endowment, which is currently very small. This also should change, but it probably won’t until the members of the Corporation stop eating babies. I also think that, while on the whole the New Curriculum is a good thing, there are some things about it that should be changed for the better. The fact that we actually have to go to classes is definitely against the spirit of the New Curriculum, and I highly doubt that such a restraint on academic freedom was not what Ira Magaziner ’69 P’06 P’07 P’10 P’15 P’18 envisioned. In addition, we should change the University’s motto to “In Science Speramus,” because God is clearly a social construct invented by illiterate medieval peasants. So is sexuality. That is why we need to institute mandatory gender-neutral bathrooms. Brown has done a great job letting in liberal, tolerant students, but there are still a few Republicans in our midst. Since everyone knows that Republicans spread intolerance the way illiterate medieval peasants spread plague, we should round them all up, line them up against the wall and shoot them until they agree to become as tolerant as we are. You know who’s great? Ruth Simmons. She doesn’t need any improvement. I want to have her babies. I hope the Corporation won’t eat them. I think that if Brown institutes the changes I have proposed in this column, it will truly be able to live up to its potential. If it doesn’t, it will follow A FIERY PATH OF DESTRUCTION INTO HELL. Also, Nas should teach hipsters to be more manly.
Greetings, Brown community: Just before spring break, The Herald published an article about me and my plans for the Watson Institute for International Studies (“Watson director’s unpopular agenda draws ire,” March 16). In this article, I was accused of “pushing a legal studies program staffed by close personal acquaintances with non-traditional academic credentials” and “alienat(ing) many colleagues.” The article continued with this biting tone, implying that my “romantic relationship” with my partner of 20 years was inappropriately used as the reason for his hiring. Ouch. At first I was hurt. I’ve only been tr ying to do my job, after all. New and exciting appointments, an expanded curriculum, maybe even interdisciplinar y studies. But then I thought, maybe they’re right. Maybe I am being a bit tyrannical. Maybe… maybe that’s not such a bad thing. Which brings me to my next order of business. My official title has been “interim director of the Watson Institute.” Until now. As of this moment, my new title will be simple: Lord. So what does Lord Kennedy plan to do
My official title has been Interim director of the Watson Institute. Until now. daggers. Methinks that The Herald has gone too far as well. Thanks to their recent coverage, you are now holding in your hands an historical artifact. The ver y last copy of the Brown Daily Herald. Enjoy it while you can — I’m planning on banning freedom of speech in a few years. This feels good! I think I’m going to go a bit higher. Hey Ruth. Yeah, Ruth Simmons. You’re gone. I’m president now. And I’m bringing all my buddies with me. Ever y person I’ve ever had a crush on is now a dean. Including me. Ah, it didn’t have to be like this, Brown.
You could have just crumbled like Austria to Germany (another international reference!). But you had to play hard. And now this is happening. Let’s return to The Herald article: Ross Cheit, an associate professor of political science, said about me, “He came to build a legal institution.” You don’t know me! No one does! Professor Cheit likes to study jails, so I think I’m going to help him — by giving him tenure as the first inmate of the new Brown Prison. Don’t worr y about building costs — it’s in the basement below the Friedman Center. You didn’t know that the Friedman Center had a basement? Well, I didn’t know I had such a short temper. But I do and now we have a prison. You may be asking yourself, “What will life be like under Lord Kennedy?” It will be, like, awesome. For me. Don’t worr y, though, there’s a role for you as well. You will help me create my kingdom by taking “labor” courses. I’ll need engineering students to help design the pyramids which students will then build with their blood and sweat. Other students can build statues of me or learn the proper sacrificial rituals which will make up the new mandator y religion of Kennedy worship. Look, I know this may come as a bit of a shock to some readers. Deal with it. And remember this: You are helpless to resist. Embrace my rule or flee — here I come!
Lord Kennedy can be reached by thinking seditious thoughts.
Statistics say your team sucks! BY JONATHAN HAHN Sports Columnist It’s official: Your team sucks. They can’t do anything right. It’s finally been confirmed and backed by irrefutable statistical metrics from more knowledgeable statisticians at ESPN, the CIA and AIG. You can feel at ease knowing that now you can quantify how bad your favorite team or player really is using an obscure stat found somewhere on the internet. Your favorite player can be broken down to a number, a bad one, just like you. Stats help provide objectivity to sports. Baseball has lots of impor tant stats like Cap/Crotch Adjustment Frequency (CAF) or Times Stepped Out of the Batter’s Box (TSOBB), but other sports have stats too. Take for example, basketball’s focus on Free Throw Line Hand Slaps (FTLHS) or football’s obsession with Thinking Independent Tackling Statistics (uh, yeah). If we
Herald to reduce headline spIn response to decreased print ad revenue and increased costs in the current economic crisis, starting today, The Herald will begin a series of changes designed to reduce printing and production costs. Chief among these changes will be a reduction in headline width and text weight, along with the implementation of
with his new power? A little housekeeping. Ever yone at Watson who doesn’t like legal studies is now fired. Sayonara. That means “goodbye” in Japanese. I know that because I RUN the international scene at Brown. I really like the architecture at the Watson Institute, but I’ve always found it lacking a little… I don’t know, pizzazz. Which explains the throne I’m installing on the top floor. It also explains the soldiers now patrolling the hallways with swords and
wispy, ephemeral or palpably gay fonts. Also, editing and layout time will be reduced, though we remian committed to providing our readerz with the highest qaulity of writin’ and reportign. Thank you for your continued readership and support as we adjust to these tough times.
can quantify how bad your team is, we can quantify you, and thus measure how what you do, causes your team to suck. The real reason the Yankees can’t win is because you root for them. It’s your fault. Their PWCA, People Who Care Average, which measures the number of people around the world who care about the team,
You care too much. Stop. Seriously. And if you’re still not satisfied with what the stats say, you could always go old school by getting a real defense in the Bronx. is astronomically high at 161m. My mistake, that’s the number of dollar menu items CC Sabathia can buy to keep his figure slim. The actual rating is much higher, like 26 billion people, animals, plants, and inanimate
objects like rocks or dusty trophies. Look at the evidence, teams with a low PWCA or no fans win the World Series. The Marlins (five guys), White Sox (the few smart Chicagoans, like Obama), Diamondbacks (Arizona is a state?), Cardinals (they’re only there for the “American” beer), and Phillies (those who got kicked out of Eagles games) have all won the World Series because no one cares or roots for them. So Yankees fans, the secret to success is to stop caring and your team will win, although this strategy hasn’t helped Brown athletic teams, ever. It’s simple math. You care too much. Stop. Seriously. And if you’re still not satisfied with what the stats say, you could always go old school by getting a real defense in the Bronx. Oh, and of course a shortstop that can move farther than two feet.
Jonathan Hahn ’10 is Royals and Nationals World Series!
Does this bohter you? Chill out! It’s just a typo. firstname.lastname@example.org
4th annual Herald scratch n’ sniff
коричневый ежедневно герольд
Valu-Pak® coupon section
К thursday, april 2
7:30 p.m. — “My weekend vacation in Rhode Island,” with former Sen. Barack Obama, Wilson 305.
8:04 A.M. — Loud construction noise outside your room
9:00 p.m. — “Lost” party with free beer, Dave and Ben’s room.
4:00 p.m. — “Loving School: an encore performance with Katherine Bergeron,” Salomon 101.
Vagina Dentata | Abe Pressman
меню Verney-Woolley Dining Hall
Lunch — Barbeque Sauce, Sweet and Sour Sauce, Honey Mustard Sauce, Bleu Cheese Dressing, Nacho Cheese, Hummus, Maple Syrup, Oatmeal
Lunch — Predator “The Mad Chef” Jones’s Giant Flipping Couscous (bring your own utensils)
Dinner — T.I. Prison Send-off Theme Night with Live Music
Dinner — Polynesian Pork Piglets
283 / 276 K
12 / 5.55 ºC
Cabernet Voltaire | Stephen Lichenstein and Adam Wagner
Enigma Twist | Kevin Grubb
Вторник, 1 апреля, 2009
Календарь Today, april 1
to m o r r o w
Alien Weather Forecast | Dustin Foley
The One About Zombies | Soojean Kim