GAIL WINS!
THE BROWN DAILY
HERALD
p9
April 1, 2008
RUTHLE$$ WHAT THE
F#©%!
Peeved prez splits over Weekend tix
Old man:
‘Where
K.BERGE MAKES U.HALL GRAB am I?’
p6
Today B runonia i n
April 1, 2008
But Seriously | Joe Larios
On-campus eats Ratty
V-Dub
Lunch — Chicken Fingers, Chicken Thumbs, Chicken Toes, Assorted Phalanges
Lunch — Peanut Butter and Jelly Bar (We’re tired of cooking for you)
Dinner — Hot Ham on Slender Roll, MixedEthnicity Vegetables
Dinner — Burnt Waffle Bits, Saturday Night Jambalaya Stir Fry Opus Hominis | Soojean Kim
3 2
Dunkel | Jeremy Kuhn
1 Very easy
#1
Rhode Island Weather
Vagina Dentata | Dustin Foley
Trust Ben | Eli Jaffa and Linda Zhang
Enigma Twist | Stephen Barlow and Charlie Custer
Cranston, Providence and other cities north of the jet stream will remain in nuclear winter for the start of the week, with an 80% chance of fallout in the evening. The south will experience the steady wrath of Zeus as he makes his way up the coast along this month’s warming Gulf stream current.
Editorial Phone:
Simmi Aujla, President
401.351.3372
Ross Frazier, Vice President
Business Phone:
Mandeep Gill, Treasurer
401.351.3260
Darren Ball, Secretary
The Brown Daily Herald (USPS 067.740) is an independent newspaper serving the Brown University community since 1891. It is published Monday through Friday during the academic year, excluding vacations, once during Commencement, once during Orientation and once in July by The Brown Daily Herald, Inc. POSTMASTER please send corrections to P.O. Box 2538, Providence, RI 02906. Periodicals postage paid at Providence, R.I. Offices are located at 195 Angell St., Providence, R.I. E-mail herald@browndailyherald.com. World Wide Web: http://www.browndailyherald.com. Subscription prices: $319 one year daily, $139 one semester daily. Copyright 2007 by The Brown Daily Herald, Inc. All rights reserved.
Metrosexual
Brown Daily Herald
page 3
April 1, 2008
Carcieri ’65 downgrades to two-diamond hooker
No foul play in Via Via decapitation, cops say
Gov. cites record deficit, diminished sex drive
By Albert Strauss Senior Staf f Writer
By Ellis Spitzer State House Bureau Chief
Citing record deficits and his decreased libido, Gov. Donald Carcieri ’65 publicly announced yesterday that he will downgrade to a twodiamond prostitute from the threediamond hooker whose services he has purchased with state money since 1998. “The Ocean State has a $151 million deficit this year, and I thought it prudent to do my part in cutting spending,” Carcieri said at a press conference. “Plus, my wife is getting suspicious about my Levitra consumption. So I’ve had to cut back recently.” Carcieri’s move comes amid the firestorm of criticism surrounding former New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer, who resigned last month after federal wiretaps uncovered that he had spent $80,000 on a three-diamond
hussie, despite a weakening economy due to turmoil in the credit markets. “After (Spitzer’s resignation), I think all of us realized it was time to cut back,” Carcieri said. “I will miss Kristen (Van Slootenbag, Carcieri’s preferred hooker).” Van Slootenbag goes for around $1,000 per hour, sources close to Carcieri said. Carcieri said his new prostitute will cost no more than $500 per hour, after a governor’s discount offered by the whorehouse. Carcieri said he estimates the downgrade will save the state almost $150,000 per year. “Maybe we can keep those homeless shelters open after all,” Carcieri said. In a rare moment of bipartisan solidarity, Democrats and Republicans alike lauded Carcieri’s move. “I think we all agree that fiscal restraint is good as long as we weigh
all of the consequences and there is a net gain for the people of Rhode Island,” said Providence Mayor David Cicilline ’83, a Democrat. “It’s my understanding that Don (Carcieri) is planning on having much less sex, so he doesn’t need as much titillation.” “Spending less money is always better,” said former Cranston Republican Mayor Stephen Laffey, who ran unsuccessfully for the U.S. Senate seat currently held by Democrat Sheldon Whitehouse. Lincoln Chafee ’75, a visiting fellow at the Watson Institute for International Studies and a former Rhode Island senator, said Van Slootenberg was a popular guest at state political functions. “I remember one time, she did a sort of strip tease at a Republican fundraiser I went to a few years ago,” Chafee said with a chuckle. “She will be missed.”
Courtesy of GubernatorialEscorts.com
Though nearly as attractive as a threediamond hooker, Krystal, Gov. Donald Carcieri’s ‘65 new mistress, is not an amiestreet.com star.
RIPTA ride ‘totally gross,’ princess says By Gilmore jenkins Metro Editor
Bucky Barnes / Herald
Cara Hubert ‘09 called some bitchy friend of hers within seconds of exiting a RIPTA bus, calling the experience “so transpo.”
On a mostly empty number 42 bus from Kennedy Plaza, Cara Hubert ’09 is concerned. “There’s like, this unidentifiable substance on the seat next to me,” Hubert said, while talking to a friend on her rhinestone-encrusted cellphone. “I know!” Hubert was forced to take the bus after realizing that Providence cabs do not accept credit card payments for rides. “Yeah, I was at Prov(idence) Place (Mall), and I was like, ‘Do you take credit cards?’ and the guy was like laughing at me and just kept driving,” Hubert said to her friend. “I mean, it’s a ser vice industr y. The least he could do is stop. God.” Though “horrified” by her experience, Hubert told The Herald, “I feel like I just sur vived a battle, you know what I mean? You heard me on the phone: I don’t really do buses.” Huber t’s fellow riders were largely critical of the Brown student’s first stab at public transit. “”That bitch? Oh yeah I did see her,” said Miranda Johannson, who was commuting to her home in East Providence after work. “Yeah, that bitch has a serious stick up her ass.”
The severed head of an unidentified man was found yesterday outside of Via Via IV on Meeting Street. Police and witnesses say no foul play is suspected in the incident. “There is absolutely no reason to suspect any foul play here,” said Providence Police Department chief Colonel Dean Esserman, in a statement made in front of the restaurant. “And no, there is absolutely no ‘mob’ or ‘mafia’ involvement,” Esserman said, using “air quotes” to play down the role of organized crime in the killing, or any killings in general. The head, which police say most likely belonged to a middle-aged man, was found by an unidentified Brown student early yesterday morning. The student has since refused to talk to police about the incident, and has reportedly left the state for an undisclosed period of time, sources close to the student said. “He told me to tell ever yone that he is taking a much-needed vacation,” said Vinny “The Shark” Romano, a spokesman for Via Via IV who said he briefly talked to the student when the head was found. “He specifically told me to not tell anyone where he has gone, so I am going to respect his wishes.” When asked if the restaurant was involved in the killing, Romano shrugged off the location of the head’s dumping as “coincidence.” “You can ask any Thayer Street businessman; it could have happened to any of us,” Romano said. “It’s absurd to think that Via Via had anything to do with it.” Via Via IV owner Mario Competi echoed Romano in blaming random chance for the incident. “There is absolutely no way were we involved,” Competi said. “Capisce?”
Where’s the crossword?
page 4
Brown Daily Herald
April 1, 2008
Ratty in Brief Carey ’91 MA’06 hopes Simmons Ratty names new dir. doesn’t notice damage to ResLife van of ethnic ambiguity By deb Scratchpool News Editor
President Ruth Simmons is going to “completely freak out” when she notices a significant dent in the passenger-side door of the University’s red ResLife minivan, said Vice President for Campus Life and Student Services Russell Carey ’91 MA’06. Though Simmons has said nothing about the damage in the nearly three days since Carey accidentally grazed a fire hydrant with the van while returning early Sunday morning from a night out with friends, Carey “just knows she’s going to notice any day now.” When she does, Carey added, “She’s totally going to kill me.” To make matters worse, Carey said he strongly suspects that, despite his best efforts not to wake her, Simmons knows he returned to campus several hours past his midnight curfew. She gave him “that look” at breakfast the next morning, he reported. As a result, when Provost David Kertzer ’69 P’95 P’98 returns from his business trip later tonight, Carey said, he is sure he will have to sit through “another boring lecture” about responsibility, even if Simmons has still not noticed the van’s condition. If Simmons does “totally flip her shit” to the degree he is anticipating, it will only serve as the latest reminder of how unfairly he is treated in the University, Carey said. For starters, Simmons has always shown blatant favoritism to Dean of the College Katherine Bergeron, who enjoys far more privileges and sig-
nificantly fewer restrictions despite “barely being that much older than me,” he said. For example, Simmons refused to buy him the most recent version of Guitar Hero or build a new residence hall, Carey noted, but she regularly gives Bergeron money to “get her hair done at that fancy place downtown,” “fix advising” and “buy stupidlooking clothes at the mall” whenever she asks for it. Bergeron also “always gets first pick of seats at (Brown University Community Council) meetings” and often “gets to let friends stay over” in University Hall, even when Simmons and Kertzer aren’t home. And Simmons, who Carey says “is always on my case,” hardly ever gets mad at Bergeron, he said. “I’m totally going to get it, just because of one little scratch on the van,” Carey said. “But when (Bergeron) totally wrecked the Dean of the College’s office, she wasn’t even grounded!” Simmons’ longstanding favoritism towards Bergeron began early on, Carey said, noting that when both administrators were younger, it was always Bergeron who got to lick the batter off the spoon when Simmons baked cookies. Kertzer is no better, Carey added, noting that Bergeron’s budget increased “way more” than his in the most recent report of the University Resources Committee, which Kertzer chairs. Plus, Simmons and Kertzer are generally “way too strict” and “totally don’t understand me,” Carey said. “Sometimes I wish I’d never been
Courtesy of Rich Bova
The small dent on the driver side door of the Office of Residential Life’s red Dodge Caravan is just the latest headache for Russell Carey, a ginger.
hired into this dumb University,” he added. Campus life administrators at other schools are allowed to have special extra-cushiony leather swivel
chairs in their offices, he noted. And their top university officials are “totally cool,” he added, unlike Simmons and Kertzer, who are “totally lame.”
Student shows up to play By Butch Taylor Senior Editor
Unlike other students who foolishly attempt to answer several questions at once, baseball player Jeffrey Young ’09 is taking his economics midterm one question at a time. “Professor (of Economics Robert) Serrano came out to play today,” Young said, referencing other economics professors who don’t regularly bring their A-game to class. “You’ve gotta give him credit.” Teammate and fellow introductory economics student Brandon Thomas ’10 said Young really stepped up when his back was against the wall. Young “really gave 110 percent,” Thomas, said, comparing Young to students who gave a mathematically possible percentage. “He really overcame adversity and made a statement.” The Pensacola, Fla., native attributed his strong performance — he went 12-for-15 on the short answer section — to his strong work ethic and just wanting it more than other students.
Longtime Vice President for Creative Misspelling John O’Toole will be promoted to Director of Ethnic Ambiguity, Ratty officials announced yesterday. The move fills a vacancy created when former director Nancy Johnson retired last month. During her 22-year career, Johnson’s most widely acclaimed successes included the introduction of Polynesian chicken wings, Italian-style couscous and French tacos as regular items in the Ratty rotation. “Nancy was an invaluable member of the Refectory team,” said Ratty frontwoman Gail. “Who among us doesn’t cherish — and raise an eyebrow at — our Mexican cornbread casserole or our Chinese green beans?” “They’re just green beans with mushrooms in them!” she added, cocking an endearing smile and laughing merrily to herself. Nonetheless, Gail said, the entire Ratty team was excited to work with O’Toole. His talents as director of creative misspelling has long been recognized, she said, pointing to his spelling of Salmon Provensal as indicative of his talents. The creative misspelling position has long been considered a sort of apprenticeship for Director of Ethnic Ambiguity, and the two positions enjoy some overlap. Johnson and O’Toole collaborated on Beef and Broccoli Szechwan, Ratty insiders said. O’Toole will continue in his current capacity as well as assume Johnson’s until his successor is named.
Jose out 4-6 weeks with hyperextended finger Students dining at the Sharpe Refectory for the next month may find a new face to greet them. Veteran Ratty cardswiper Jose was placed on injured reserve by Ratty officials late Monday, and Ratty sources say he will be sidelined for at least four to six weeks. The move comes after the two-time All-BUDS cardswiper strained his left ring finger early Monday morning while swiping Eva Jenkins ’09 in for her usual breakfast of pancakes and Cocoa Puffs. He remarked “Eva Eva Evee, where is Adam?” and then deftly withdrew Jenkins’ card when she reached out to take it back. Jose was attempting the doubleflip behind-the-back reverse, one of his many signature swipes, when Jenkins’ ID — which is bent slightly from that time she sat down with it in her back pocket — caught between Jose’s ring and pinkie fingers, twisting the former outward. The veteran cardmaestro attempted several more swipes, clearly in pain, before calling over the Ratty trainer. Although the injury initially appeared minor, he was later transported to Health Services, who accidentally bent the figure further while attempting to apply a splint. Jose will undergo surgery tomorrow, and begin rehabbing the finger in two to three weeks if all goes well. Ratty Head Coach Kristof Olafsson ’90 announced the move at a somber news conference in the Chancellor’s Dining Room yesterday afternoon. Jose’s shifts will be filled by veteran swiper Gail and student BUDS workers until his finger is healed. Olafsson declined to say whether Jose might return in a non-swiping, purely witty-comment-making capacity while still rehabbing the finger.
Brown Daily Herald
DPS removes Yankee from Buxton By Sam Waterston Contributing Writer
The following summary includes all major incidents reported to the Department of Public Safety between March 29 and March 30. It does not include general service and alarm calls, and it carefully omits any incident that might generate negative publicity for the University or DPS. The Providence Police Department also responds to incidents occurring off campus. DPS does not divulge information on open cases that are currently under investigation by the department, PPD or the Office of Student Life, except in extreme cases of bribery. DPS maintains a daily log of all shift activity and general service calls which can be viewed during galactic equinox, when Mars is rising, at its headquarters at 75 Charlesfield St. Saturday, March 29 1:50 p.m. An Undergraduate Council of Students whistle-blower reported that he had observed Undergraduate Council of Students members attempting to gain votes through intimidation, blackmail and outright bribery. DPS determined that no one cares about UCS and did not investigate the matter further. 3:56 p.m. Officers were dispatched for a report of an American student inside Buxton House. He was removed without incident. 7:16 p.m. Officers were dispatched for a report of students acting suspiciously on the Quiet Green. As officers approached the green, they could hear students questioning whether Big Bird from Sesame Street was actually a giant talking bird and not just a man in a costume. Officers determined the students were high and left them alone. 7:45 p.m. A student reported feeling very awkward while attempting to defecate in a gender-neutral bathroom. The matter has been turned over to the Office of Student Life. 11:58 p.m. A Facilities Management staff member reported hearing what sounded like the pangs of intimacy coming from inside a classroom in the Center for Information Technology. Officers knocked and found a group of CS students playing Risk. Officers had a good laugh at their expense. Sunday, March 30 3:10 p.m. A student reported that the barbecue chicken in the kosher section of the Sharpe Refectory tasted suspiciously delicious. Upon arriving at the scene, officers determined it was pork. DPS detectives are investigating. 4:01 p.m. Officers were dispatched at the request of the Providence Police Department to assist in dispersing student anti-war protesters that refused to leave the National Guard recruiting office. Officers attempted to inform them that the Vietnam War had already ended, but the students insisted on being arrested. DPS proceeded to take them into custody and beat them senselessly. 4:32 p.m. Two students got into a fight after one of them dismissed the other’s film as “provincial” and “typical white-male cinema” in the Modern Culture and Media Building. The case has been turned over to Student Life.
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April 1, 2008
Seeking compromise, Democrats turn to Simmons By Hilrack ClinBama Staff Writer
With the race between Sens. Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton for the Democratic presidential nomination deadlocked and no resolution in sight, Democratic leaders have reportedly engaged in preliminary discussions to settle the dispute by forgoing both for a third candidate: President Ruth Simmons. National party leaders and highranking superdelegates, torn between the historic opportunities to nominate the first black candidate or the first woman and weary of the ongoing battle of “experience” versus “change,” believe Simmons could be the perfect compromise. “Ruth could bring the unity and closure the Democratic party so desperately needs by bridging the contentious issues that are driving this divisive campaign,” Democratic National Committee Chairman Howard Dean wrote in a confidential memo to House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, which was obtained by The Herald late last night. “She’s black. And she’s a woman.” Party leaders believe Simmons’ executive experience — she has spent nearly a decade serving as president of Smith College and Brown — and gender could mollify Clinton supporters seeking a strong-willed, female commanderin-chief who has the experience to lead on day one. “She might be even better than Clinton,” one senior Democratic senator, who asked to remain anonymous, said. “She’s actually likeable.” At the same time, they say, Simmons’ racial background and status as a Washington outsider who has never accepted — or even been offered — money from federal lobbyists could strike a chord with Obama’s backers. Simmons is also one of the few possible compromise candidates who commands the same authority as Obama to speak across racial divisions. Though not multiracial like Illinois senator, she has spent most of her career working in bastions of white privilege. Simmons was, most notably, an administrator at Princeton before taking on the
Herald File Photo
This diagram clearly shows that Ruth Simmons is the perfect compromise for divided Democrats.
presidencies of Smith and Brown. She is also reported to have read the entire Slavery and Justice report cover-to-cover at least once. Though Simmons has not yet staked out clear positions on many issues of national concern, leaders of the party’s liberal wing say they would be content to take the risk — “She is president of Brown, after all,” Dean wrote in his memo to Pelosi. Many of her established policies accord well with the Democratic party platform. At Brown, she has established herself as staunchly pro-internationalization, lending her foreign policy credibility, and she is rumored to be hard at work quickly adapting her Plan for Academic Enrichment should she find herself thrust into a national campaign. Sources close to Simmons, speaking on condition of anonymity because plans are not yet finalized, report that a first draft of her Plan for American Enrichment calls for need-blind admission to health care plans, an increase in the size of America’s faculty and the introduction of first-year seminars for all U.S. students enrolled in public elementary schools. Like both Obama and Clinton, Simmons plans to emphasize her ability to rebuild ties with America’s traditional allies, and will try to paint herself as uniquely positioned to do so. Experts believe her academic background in Romance languages will be a key asset in reaching out to Europe. It remains unclear how Simmons could build an effective national campaign infrastructure at this late juncture, but leaders are
hoping Clinton and Obama staffers will be enthusiastic enough about the compromise to join the new campaign. There are early indications her campaign might enjoy strong grassroots support. After news of the possible compromise broke in the blogosphere late last night, Brown students, energized by the sudden merging of their blind, knee-jerk enthusiasm for Simmons and liberal politics, quickly formed a Brown Students for Simmons group. The group was quickly granted UCS Category II status. The group has since enlisted more than 2,000 members on Facebook, table-slipped both the Sharpe Refectory and the Verney-Woolley Dining Hall and collected the 10,000 signatures necessary to get Simmons on the ballot for Pennsylvania’s April 22 primary. Simmons might also seek to make up for her late entry and relatively low national profile by quickly announcing details of how she might fill her administration, according to reports, establishing her readiness to move forward with a general election campaign. While Republican nominee-inwaiting Sen. John McCain, R-Ariz., is still mulling possible running mates and no clear choice has emerged, Simmons would be expected to quickly name Assistant to the President Marisa Quinn to the vice presidential slot on her ticket, administrators close to the
president said. Quinn, Simmons right-hand woman and de facto soulmate, is widely regarded in national circles as Simmons logical first choice, though New Mexico Gov. Bill Richardson, veteran Delaware Senator Joe Biden and Vice President for Campus Life and Student Services Russell Carey ’91 MA’06 are all considered to have an outside shot at selection. Simmons might also seek to gain a leg up by announcing key cabinet selections and other posts in her administration during the campaign, experts say. For example, Simmons, who attended Dillard University in New Orleans, is likely to make the federal recovery effort following Hurricane Katrina a centerpiece issue of her campaign, experts say. Announcing her proposed selection for director of the Federal Emergency Management Agency could help underscore Simmons’ commitment to reform. Dean of the College Katherine Bergeron is Simmons’ favored choice for that post, sources close to Simmons said. According to several Simmons advisers present at a recent strategy meeting, she told them that she believed “Bergie” will manage national emergencies well, especially given her experience with overworked administrators. “Frankly, I think the understaffed dean of the College office has prepared Bergie for an overwhelmed FEMA,” she said.
page 6
Brown Daily Herald
April 1, 2008
Renovated bookstore to be a little less gay The goal of this summer’s renovation of the Brown Bookstore is to make the shop “a little less gay,” said Manuel Cunard, the store’s director. “It’s just a little too gay right now,” he said. “You can practically slice the homoeroticism in there with a knife.” Cunard said specific renovations to the bookstore will include repainting the walls a darker color, renaming the “Travel Lit” sections something “a little more hetero” and eliminating the campus clothing store. In addition, Cunard said, scholarly journals will no longer be sold. When asked if the “Gay and Lesbian Studies” section would be removed, Cunard replied: “What’s gay about that?”
—Les B. Anne
The Herald is committed to accurate reporting. Well, except on April Fools’ Day.
Eccentric old man to grandson: I’m U. chancellor A cantankerous elderly man wandering around the Main Green yesterday said repeatedly that he was the chancellor of the University and Ruth Simmons’ boss, and not — as many assumed him to be — the cranky, ornery grandfather of Herald News Editor Tyler Blodgett ’10. “Y’hear about how this ol’ funny farm is fixin’ to raise a billion dollars?” the old man said to no one in particular, scratching his ear vigorously. “It’s cause they have a damn nincompoop for a president, that’s why.” Blodgett, who was walking alongside the old man, nodded and feigned interest in the words of his curmudgeonly grandfather. The University’s chancellor, Thomas Tisch ’76, is the managing
partner of Four Partners, a private investment firm, and is assumed to be an important businessman of some kind who, when he does come to Brown, will most likely not be a man who refuses to remove a inexpensive grey wool cap from his head under any circumstances. An assistant at his New York office said Tisch was out of town and not available for comment. “I’m the one who wears the trousers at this place, don’t you hear?” the old man, who identified himself as Thomas Tisch but refused to give his real name, said. “Maybe you’d like to have a ... a soda fountain or a roller-skating gymnasium sprout up on the quadrangle, but not so long as I’m still kicking.”
—Al Dahlberg
Armando Bengochea / Herald
Herald News Editor Tyler Blodgett ‘10’s grandfather humorously claimed that he was the University’s chancellor, Thomas Tisch, then demanded they pose for this photo.
Text misfires, hits 7,000 students and faculty By Fettucini alfredo Herald Super Sleuth
Gabriela Scarritt ’09 blushed when her phone vibrated loudly during her Monday seminar. She turned even redder when she read the message that appeared on the screen. “My boyfriend has a foul mouth, but he doesn’t have free texting,” she said. Scarritt told The Herald that she was scandalized by the naughty message she saw, which can only be decently described in these pages as a shameless request for hanky-panky. As she reread the message, sent by a number she didn’t recognize, she muttered to herself, “If this is
what the cheapskate wants, he’s going to have to take me somewhere much nicer than Nice Slice.” But as she heard an “oh my” to her right and a “shee-yit!” to her left, Scarritt realized she wasn’t the only one getting this anonymous solicitation for salacious activities at 4:56 p.m. In fact, The Herald has learned that up to 7,000 students and faculty received the lascivious message. Across campus from Scarritt, Vice President for Administration and Chief Risk Officer Walter Hunter, who led the University’s effort to install a mass text messaging system for use during campus emergencies, prepared to leave his University Hall office for the day.
President Ruth Simmons later recounted what followed in an exclusive inter view with The Herald. Hunter heard a sharp knock on his door. He checked his phone to see if his super visor, Executive Vice President of Finance and Administration Elizabeth Huidekoper, had responded in the affirmative to the message he had just sent. He grinned happily, expecting her to be on the other side of the door. Instead, he saw Huidekoper’s boss — Simmons. “Is there an emergency?” Hunter asked, quickly snapping his phone shut. “There wasn’t one,” Simmons said, through gritted teeth, “until 4:56 p.m.!” She thrust her RAZR phone into his face, and watched him squint — and then release a tiny shriek — as he recognized his own filthy, filthy words.
Shuffling his feet and stumbling over his words, Hunter spilled the truth as bluntly as he sent the original outrageous message. “He explained to me that ‘Elizaboo’ is next to ‘Emergency’ in his phone book,” Simmons recounted. Hunter responded neither to the several calls to his home phone made by The Herald nor to the pebble tossed at his bedroom window by a sleuthing reporter. He did respond, however, to The Herald’s text message concerning the incident by sending another mass message. Scarritt looked at her phone after class and saw the new message. She told The Herald that she immediately knew this one wasn’t from her boyfriend, either. “He wouldn’t use ‘j/k!’ or ‘LOL,’” she said. “Nor would he end a message with a smiling emoticon.”
Brown Daily Herald
page 7
April 1, 2008
Simmons loses it, attacks scalper over Lupe tickets By WOODWARD stiffler Special to The Herald
President Ruth Simmons is “taking a leave of absence” after exploding into a rage in Faunce House yesterday morning after a failed attempt to buy illicit Spring Weekend tickets from a scalper. Dean of the College Katherine Bergeron told The Herald she expects to assume Simmons’ duties as early as tomorrow, though no other University of ficials have asked her to. Though the specifics of Simmons’ breakdown remain unclear, witnesses say the president was heard screaming “What the f—!” after she was stood up by an underground Spring Weekend ticket supplier, Brian Krieger ’09, whom she found on the Brown Daily Jolt. Witnesses said Simmons was screwed by “some pasty-faced kid” who previously claimed to have
Spring Weekend tickets. “Are you kidding me?” Simmons said. “I run this place.” Krieger said the last thing he remembers was an angr y woman in a red power suit stepping on his face. “I was thinking, ‘Oh great, I always wanted to meet Ruth Simmons. This is turning out to be a great day,’” Krieger remembered. “The doctors gave me an ointment for the high-heeled shoeprint,” he added. Assistant to the President Marisa Quinn, a few yards behind, begged her boss not to do anything she might later regret, but Simmons only heard the blood r ushing past her ears, Quinn said. The enraged president was quickly pulled from the confused would-be-scalper by Quinn and a Department of Public Safety officer. The of ficer responded to
the scene near-instantaneously when Krieger set off his recently obtained subsidized DPS personalsafety sound grenade. As her rage subsided, Simmons was said by onlookers to mumble that she would have Vice President for Planning and Senior Adviser to the President Richard Spies “rip (Krieger) a new one” for his duplicity. Simmons later broke down in tears, sobbing that all she wanted was to “just chill” with Executive Vice President for Finance and Administration Elizabeth “Beppie” Huidekoper on the Main Green and see rapper M.I.A. perform “Paper Planes” live. Simmons’ breakdown comes after a similar rage-induced attack last month, when Spring Weekend tickets originally sold out. “This is the last straw,” Simmons said after failing to purchase legitimate tickets from Brown Student Agency president Cash McCracken ’08.
FROM PAGE ONE RUTH’S FINAL HOURS Though she thought she had arrived at the ticket of fice in plenty of time, she found chaos instead — with hundreds of students clamoring for a handful of remaining tickets. Finding the end of the cash line, the University president pronounced the scene “un-believable.” A distraught Simmons dusted herself off and pulled out a wad of cash from her red, gold-trimmed blazer, peeled off the $20 bill she would have used to buy the tickets and slipped it to McCracken. “She put her finger over her lips and whispered ‘shh,’” McCracken said. “I threw it back in her face — $1.4 billion and all she can spare is a Jackson?” —Cranston Warwick contributed reporting to this article.
Kertzer knowingly took provost-enhancing drugs By Friederich Hut Investigative Journalist
Provost David Kertzer ’69 P’95 P’98 knowingly and willingly took provost-enhancing steroids to improve his academic career, a new book claims. “Provost of Shadows,” written by Providence Journal repor ters Matt Tillman ’73 and Sophia Chow, chronicles Kertzer’s transformation from a mild-mannered professor at Bowdoin College in the early 1990s to the academic behemoth he became at Brown over the past 16 years. The book is set to be released April 11. Contradicting Ker tzer’s account that he took steroids unknowingly, the book reveals that Kertzer started taking provostper formance boosters in 2002 because of his intense jealously of then-Provost Robert Zimmer, now president of the University of Chicago. The book reports that in January 2002, Zimmer gave a lecture at an academic conference at Ecole Normale Superieure, a Parisian university where Kertzer was a visiting professor. After the lecture, Zimmer was so mobbed by professors and academic admin-
istrators that Ecole Normale Superieure security had to set up a line for people waiting to see Zimmer. According to the book, when Kertzer saw the red velvet ropes, he became irate. “Not in my house!” Ker tzer screamed in French. He then began knocking down the ropes with a baseball bat. Ker tzer knew that Zimmer “was a juicer,” the book quoted him as saying, but Kertzer had never done drugs himself. After the incident in Paris — and combined with his drive to become the best academic in the history of the American universities — Kertzer was convinced he needed steroids, the book says. In 2005, a year before becoming Brown’s provost, Ker tzer called some friends at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, which many academics called “a candyland for performance boosters,” the book reports. He asked where he could get some steroids, and was directed to Allan Pullman, an MIT professor of humanities. Pullman gave Kertzer a drug called “the cream,” which Kertzer was to rub into his scalp daily to increase his brain cell count and to improve his focus.
The results came quickly. Soon after using the drug, Kertzer become an academic tour de force, the book says. One day in September 2006, after he became provost, Kertzer authored an astounding 11 curriculum reports — while attending seven meetings that day. It shattered the previous record of six reports and four meetings, set by Zimmer. Ever yone took notice of his amazing work, but few saw the dark side of his use. As a side effect of the drug, Zimmer’s head grew dramatically — about two hat sizes — and he had violent mood swings. At one faculty meeting last year, he berated Professor of Biology Gar y Wessel and boxed his ears for being too nice. He screamed at the entire Modern Culture and Media Department for being a group of “cockteases.” Despite the obvious steroid use, the book continues, Zimmer maintained that he never knowingly took steroids. According to a transcript of a December 2006 grand jur y hearing leaked to the Journal, Zimmer was asked directly by federal prosecutors if he had ever knowingly taken steroids. “No,” Zimmer replied. He was then asked what Pull-
man gave him. “He gave me this jar and I was like, ‘Whatever, dude,’ ” Zimmer responded. “I thought it was flaxseed oil.” “Provost of Shadows” also discusses some of the other University administrators who took drugs from Pullman. The book reports that former Dean of College Paul Armstrong and Dean of the Faculty Rajiv Vohra P’07 took methamphetamines specifically designed for college deans — called “Deanies” — to keep up with their hectic schedules. The book also reveals the entire Department of German Studies for a group of heavy crack cocaine abusers. It is unclear how the new book will affect Kerzter’s position at Brown. But one professor there said that it will have little, if any, effect. “We’re mainly concerned about results,” the professor told The Herald. “All we need is for Kertzer to perform, and he’s proven he’s done that.”
Jolt, Janus unite forces When Associate Professor of Political Science John Tomasi proposed widespread tax cuts last night to a crowded Salomon 101, the noted Republican professor never expected the enthusiastic response he got from his more liberal opponent across the floor: “Use a machete!” Last night was the first event of the newly created “Forum2,” a merger of Brown’s two most popular speech outlets: the Janus Forum and the Brown Daily Jolt Forum. For its inaugural event, titled “Will the impending economic crisis improve your chances at a Web-arranged hookup?” Forum2 invited speakers Tomasi and Jolt legend Prototoast, who told The Herald he came out of “Joltirement” to speak at the event. But despite agreeing early on in the night, the two juggernauts of discourse locked horns often. On the issue of health care, Tomasi expressed his support for a marketbased system that critics have said will not guarantee coverage for millions of America’s poorest families. Prototoast’s reply was short and sweet: “You’re disgusting.” Prototoast later elaborated on his answer, laying out his own solution to what doomsayers are calling a recession. “This reminds me of the episode ‘Trash of the Titans,’ where Homer becomes Springfield’s sanitation commissioner and overruns the city with garbage, so Quimby moves the whole town five miles down the road,” he said. “Let’s just do that.” The crowd seemed to favor Prototoast’s plan, erupting with applause and shouting “TITCR,” to the bewilderment of Tomasi. “This whole economy thing is all the Jews’ fault!” yelled one guest. “If Pinocchio has taught us anything, it’s that people with big noses should not be trusted — and these cheapskates practically run Wall Street!” “I agree with the OP,” said the next. “But let’s not forget Italians. They’re spending all our money on hair grease and gold chains.”
— Franklin Hubbleton
page 8
Brown Daily Herald
April 1, 2008
Clinton, Obama debate Junior discovers activism, universal card access himself in time abroad The Democratic presidential candidates traded barbs yesterday in a heated debate in a half-full List 120 over giving students card access to dorms other than their own, with Sen. Hillary Clinton accusing Sen. Barack Obama of “settling” for a plan that would “restrict the rights of thousands of students.” “It’s important that we as Democrats carry the banner of universal card access,” Clinton said. “In 35 years, I have never fought for anything less.” Obama, whose card access plan would cover most students but would put restrictions on access to freshmen dorms, fought back, saying Clinton’s plan was “reckless” and “contrary to the needs
and hopes of ordinary folks.” “When I talk to people, I don’t hear, ‘I need to be able to swipe into Keeney so I can play Beirut with freshmen.’ I hear people talking about how they’re tired of waiting in the cold for their friend to come down from the eighth floor of Minden to let them in,” he said. Clinton, who has said that Obama’s plan would make it difficult for upperclassmen taking Neuro 1 to meet with their study groups, called Obama “naive” for saying that the influential Undergraduate Council of Students deserved “a seat at the table” in card access negotiations. Obama retorted by calling Clinton “a monster.”
Freshmen in Perkins may think they live far from campus. But they’ve got nothing on Winston Caldwell ’09.5, who returned to Brown this semester after spending six months half a world away on an outreach trip in Indonesia. The Westchester, N.Y., native journeyed to an impoverished resort town to build trash incinerators for the locals. “I knew I was in a different world as soon as I got on my flight to Indonesia,” Caldwell said, because his first-class ticket didn’t include a toothbrush, an eye mask and lush socks so he could pad around the plane in style. “It was first-class, but their first-class is more like American business class,” he said. The real culture shock was waiting for Caldwell at his seaside destination town. The resort, popular with business vacationers from Japan, Europe and the United States, provides economic opportunities for the local population, but not without its share of problems, Caldwell said. “Padma doesn’t tell you this on Top Chef, but gourmet cooking produces a lot of waste,” Caldwell explained. But Caldwell’s outreach program saved the day for the locals with a little tin and a little fire. “We built trash incinerators so the waste issue could be burned into thin air.” To tackle the daunting challenge, Caldwell had help from other college
Courtesy of Simmi Sourpuss
Winston Caldwell ’09.5 built over 23 trash incinerators out of ox dung and adobe.
students who generously put their own academics on hold to reach out across the globe. The group of 20 constructed the trash incinerators using discarded steel drums and the pressure-treated wood that was available. “The incinerators were very basic, but with enough gasoline you can burn any kind of trash — those little plastic hotel soap bottles, styrofoam packaging, leftover prime rib,” Caldwell said. “You produce it, we’ll make it disappear.” Burning trash opened Caldwell’s eyes to the plight of so many of his fellow human beings, he said. “We take it for granted that Jo’s has freshly mass-produced fish and chips every night. But I met people
in Indonesia — humans — who were reduced to fishing for their own food. They didn’t know any better,” Caldwell said. “It put everything in perspective when locals didn’t even know what my iPhone was,” he added. Back at Brown, readjusting to civilization isn’t so easy for Caldwell. “Watching HBO seems so, like, imperialist and classist when you think of all the suffering in the world,” Caldwell said. “I’m totally more in tune with myself and my place in the world now. It truly was a transformational experience. I would recommend it to anyone who can afford the $20,000 non-refundable program fee.”
— Lucian Stephens
Brown Daily Herald
page 9
April 1, 2008
Trattoria Regional
1 Ruth Simmons
Ruth
16 Ratty Dessert Pizza / Laptop Theft 8 Egyptology
Styrofoam carry-out containers. Higher seeds held serve in the second round, with Gail taking out the Chinese Food Truck in a suspicious grease fire “accident,” stoking anticipation for the regional final. In the Sweet Sixteen, Simmons again rolled easily through Brown Hoodies, while Gail stunned UCLA with a dominating quadrupledouble: 78 points, 45 rebounds, 12 assists and 17 blocks. Despite expectations for tight matchup in the regional final, Gail pulled off the upset handily. “The last thing I recall was her saying ‘Hiii ...’ before the match,” Simmons said. “I woke up three hours later in the bus station.”
Brown Madness Tournament NCAA Tournament
Ruth Egyptology
9 Jo’s Salads 5 U.S. News and World Report Rankings 12 Happiness Index Rankings 4 Brown Hoodies 13 Grad Center 6 Ken Miller
Ruth Happiness Hoodies Hoodies Ken Miller
11 Kennedy Plaza 3 U.C.L.A.
East Trattoria
Gail
1 New Curriculum
Gail
New Curriculum
8 Spiritus
12 New SciLi Elevators 4 Quiet Green Hobbit Sculptures 13 A Tree 6 Barack Obama
10 Frisbees 2 The Blue Room
March 29-30
March 27-28
Final four April 5
GAIL!!!
Final four April 5
Elite Eight
Sweet 16
March 29-30
March 27-28
San Antonio April 5
March 22-23 Justice
Engin 9 Engin 9
Midwest Bistro Detroit
Chicken Fingers Blue Room Frisbees Blue Room Blue Room
15 Salmon Provensal
Bistro Regional In Bistro action, No. 1-seed New Curriculum rolled through the competition, with a few early-round surprises mixed in. As the bracket tipped off, local favorite Spiritus knocked off Gender Neutral Bathrooms, which was never quite able to establish its identity on the court. The bracket’s most surprising result saw upstart No. 12-seed New SciLi Elevators knock off Activism, whose apathetic play and recent recruiting challenges left it ripe for the upset. Less surprising was No. 10-seed Frisbees handy defeat of UCS, with fun trumping the ability to spin around in circles and not accomplish a whole lot. In the second round, campus fad Barack Obama got hot at the right time, knocking off Chicken Finger Fridays, which were a little too salty anyway. But he came up short in the Sweet 16 versus second-seeded Blue Room and the audacity of scones. In the regional final, a barrage of delicious foccacia bread proved not quite enough to overcome the glorious plethora of options provided by top-seeded New Curriculum, which surprised few experts in advancing comfortably to the Final Four.
New Curr.
& Flex Points Roots West Shoots Phoenix
Final 4
After a spirited first four rounds, the stage was set for several epic clashes in the semifinals. The first Final Four matchup went down to the wire, pitting the students’ physical necessity for sustenance and Blue Room coffee against their innate love of pot, debauchery and rappers that only white people like. Despite a back-and-forth battle, Spring Weekend pulled away at the end, leaving Flex Points in a cloud of smoke and crumpled Solo cups and advancing to the final. Across the bracket, Gail rode a wave of momentum into a showdown with the long-fetishized New Curriculum. Proving the old adage that a polite smile and a friendly greeting trumps a rudderless student body unfettered by consequences or plus-minus grading, Gail continued her impressive run and prepared for a final showdown with Spring Weekend. In a heart-rending matchup for students in attendance, who were forced to choose between beloved aunt-figure and granter-of-access-to-Thanksgivingturkey-dinner and the most fun weekend of the year, Gail put the finishing touches on a historic run into the record books with a down-to-the-wire upset of heavily favored Spring Weekend. In what amounted to a dramatic last-second buzzer-beater, Spring Weekend opened the door for Gail by failing to provide enough tickets and creating long lines for every student. With Gail stepping in with a pledge to make her trademark greeting available to each and every Brown student willing to brave a trip to the Ratty, a surge of student affection pushed her over the top at the last minute. The veteran cardswipetress was then hoisted onto the shoulders of a mob of adoring students, and carried singing and chanting through the Van Wickle Gates, once and for all a champion.
12 Internationalization 4 Visiting Chef Night 13 Hipsters 6 IPTV
3 Alcohol 14 PawPrints Cards 7 Banner 10 Mocha 2 Plan for Academic Enrichment 15 Keeney Bathrooms
First round March 20-21 1 Justice 16 Slavery 8 Friedman Study Center 9 Fish Co.
Friedman
Elevators
Obama
Second round
Friedman
Spring Weekend
5 POM
11 Athletic Events
Friedman
SciLi Elevators
14 Chem 33 7 UCS
Elite Eight
Sweet 16
New Curric.
Obama
Athletics
Keeney Bathrooms
New Curric.
Tree
Visiting Chef
Mocha
Spiritus
11 Packaged Sushi 3 Chicken Finger Fridays
South Grill Houston
POM
Mocha
CHAMPION
16 Providence Weather
9 BDH Opinions Page
Visting Chef
Gail
9 Gender Neutral Bathrooms 5 Activism
8 Daily Jolt
Kahlua!
Gail
16 Rules and Regulations
BDH Opinions Spring Weekend
Food Truck
March 22-23
1 Spring Weekend
Alcohol
Gail
March 20-21
Spring Weekend Spring Weekend
UCLA
Second round
Spring Weekend sur vived an early scare from Providence Weather. In the second round, third-seeded Alcohol strong-armed Athletic Events, which had emerged in a surprise upset over the much more entertaining IPTV. Hungover students reported a strong preference for sleep over watching women’s lacrosse. User-friendly Mocha put an end to decidedly user-unfriendly Keeney Bathrooms’ surprise bid, setting up a Sweet 16 matchup against alcohol, with Kahlua emerging from the mix-up. In the end, Spring Weekend became the second top seed to advance to the Final Four.
Alcohol
15 Bruno the Bear
First round
Spring Wkd.
UCLA
10 Recyclemania 2 Gail
BRACKET
Charlotte
14 A.C.L.U 7 Chinese Food Truck
Grill competition began with the tournament’s most surprising first-round upset and ended with its least surprising topseeded victor. In a stunning match that went down to the wire, unheralded Keeney Bathrooms overcame the flat-footed Plan for Academic Enrichment, surprising pundits by being more representative of the Brown experience. In the top half of the bracket, delicious and concise POM won a battle of two emerging campus trends versus Internationalization. Herald Opinions Columnist Sean Quigley ’10 led a furious, semicolon-filled surge against the favored Daily Jolt, invoking both his inner Bill Buckley and Michael Jordan. Top-seeded
2008
In the Trattoria, first-round action went largely according to expectations, with the only “upset” coming as No. 12-seed Happiness Index knocked off the U.S. News and World Report Rankings, widely regarded as overrated. The tournament’s top overall seed, Ruth Simmons, easily took down a scrappy, gooey Ratty Dessert Pizza squad that narrowly edged Laptop Theft in the playin game, while in the No. 8-No. 9 matchup, Egyptology prevailed over the overpriced Jo’s Salads, which incurred fans’ wrath for being an insidious plot to eliminate cheap and delicious wraps. Seventh-seeded Chinese Food Truck won a close match against Recyclemania, wearing it down with accumulated
Grill Regional
City Politics MCM
5 Engin 9 12 Econ 11 4 City Politics 13 Juniper 6 Neuro 1 11 MCM
Flex Points Flex Points
3 Flex Points 14 Meal Credits
Flex Points Boldly Brown Friday P.M. Friday Afternoon
7 Boldly Brown 10 Building Brown 2 Friday Afternoon 15 Warwick
Roots & Shoots Regional In early-round action at the veggie line, Justice survived a brief scare from long-term rival Slavery, but was weakened so much by the match that it fell to the bustling and more practical Friedman Study Center in the next round, struggling to find a foothold in the every-man-for-himself environs of the SciLi basement. The Friedman Center had itself narrowly defeated Fish Co., which returned from the match with one heel broken and missing its Brown I.D. In the lower half of the bracket, Modern Culture and Media pulled the regional’s most surprising first-round upset, knocking off substantially more popular Neuro 1 on the strength of the fact that it is substantially easier to bullshit. Relaxing tournament darling Friday Afternoon overwhelmed blue-collar Warwick, R.I., in one of the tournament’s most lopsided matchups. In the second round, Friday Afternoon prevailed over the free T-shirts of Boldly Brown, setting up a showdown of fan-favorites with No. 3-seed Flex Points, which advanced to take on the surprisingly resilient Friedman Center in the regional final. That match-up proved a blowout, however, as tacky 1970s decor and decibel gradients proved no match for Flex’s versatility, and Points surfed a rumbling wave of student munchies to advance to the Final Four.
Sportveranstaltung page 10
Brown Daily Herald
April 1, 2008
It’s monkey business for the Knicks
F LY L I K E A N E A G L E
They rewrote ‘Hamlet,’ but can they re-right the Knicks’ ship? By Paul Walden Sports Columnist
Ross Tafarrian / Herald
James Dolan, owner of the New York Knicks, relieved Isaiah Thomas of his duties as president of basketball operations late Monday afternoon in favor of a team of monkeys. “While some people might have problems with the choice because of the monkeys’ lack of verbal skills, we feel that at this point in time we can’t do much worse,” Dolan said. He then paused to remove feces and a banana peel from his suit. The monkeys, who worked in a carnival before taking the job, have no experience in pro sports, but are expected to be a huge hit with a frustrated and disgruntled fan base. “I actually have no problem with the move,” said Jimmy Colbert ’09, a longtime Knick fan. “But I just want to make clear to the monkeys that we didn’t come from them, okay? The minute they suggest my granddaddy was one of them ‘cause of Paul Darwin’s theory of revolution or whatever, I’m going Mark Wahlberg on those monkey bastards.” Surprisingly, even Knick players seem to welcome the change. “Please, it doesn’t matter who’s run-
ning the show,” guard Stephon Marbury said. “Starbury is still gonna’ do what he do. Am I the best? I know I am. That’s like telling me it’s raining when it’s raining outside ... I know that.” Knick fans have joked for years that a team of monkeys could do a better job than Thomas and former incompetent general managers. The logic is that monkeys would lack the communication skills to negotiate the ridiculous contracts with washed up players, trade lottery picks for lazy, overweight centers and acquire selfish former superstars. “You’re too late!” said little-used center Jerome James as he counted a large wad of two dollar bills while eating burgers. “I’m rich, bitch!”
Despite Thomas’ failure, there are still those who strongly oppose the idea of primates in the front office, such as comedian Dane Cook, an avid basketball fan and maker of bad baseball television promos. “They crap in their own hand and they throw it around in a festive manner like they’re in a celebration of monkey poop,” Cook said. Only time will tell if the already unpopular Dolan’s move will work, or if the new team presidents will make monkeys out of all of us.
The gymnastics team took second place in the new four-person anti-gravity floor competition on Sunday afternoon.
Athletics staff fumbles Hollywood tactics By Benjy Asher Assistant Spor ts Editor
Brown’s spor ts coaches have found out the hard way that things don’t always work out in real life like they do in the movies. Over the summer, the University’s athletic staff attended an athletic film festival, in search for inspiration, But so far this year a few Hollywood gambles have gone terribly wrong. In the football team’s final game of the season, the Bears built up a 21-0 first-quarter lead against Columbia. Thinking this was a substantial lead, Head Coach Phil Estes sent in the practice squad seniors to play on the defensive line, in the final game of their collegiate years, and put the team’s water boy at inside linebacker. Columbia quickly got back into the game and Estes forsook the “heart and soul” approach for a more pragmatic “pecs and abs” lineup. Fans were understandably befuddled as to why the coaching staff made the substitutions in the first place. They found their motivation, according to Estes, in Henry Winkler’s character from the movie “The Waterboy.” “Look, Henr y Winkler is my hero, okay? What do you want from me?” said a rather peeved Coach Estes, sipping on a can of
Tab. “When I was a kid, I wanted to be the Fonz, so as an adult, why the heck shouldn’t I want to be Coach Klein?” The baseball team had an equally fruitless search for an unlikely hero in its quest to repeat as Ivy League champions. Last season the team got an unexpected boost from a supposed pair of angels whom, by the end of the season, as many as five players claimed to have seen at all of the team’s home games. This year, though, Head Coach Marek Drabinski was hesitant to bank on supernatural help and the team’s prospects looked especially bleak after five players were banned from NCAA competition for use of illicit psychedelics. The team got what it thought was a stroke of luck when an assistant coach found a new hard-throwing pitcher. “I was watching ‘Rookie of the Year’ on my car’s DVD player on my way home,” said the coach, who wished to remain anonymous. “I guess I must have taken my eyes off the road for a second, because next thing I knew there’s this twelve-year old kid on the ground clutching his right shoulder. And I said to myself, ‘Here’s our new ace!’” But one inning, 12 runs and a river of tears later, the kid was headed back to Little League, with a consolatory stop for ice cream
on the way. Still, these don’t compare to the gaffe of men’s basketball Head Coach Craig Robinson, who stated to the media back in the fall, “This team is just one golden retriever away from a championship.” The dog got off to a good start and established a great rapport with his teammates, who all agreed that he was “just the cutest thing.” But in the contest against Cornell, the team’s luck ran out. Restless from eight hours in a travel crate and full of pent-up emotion, the dog lunged at the referee after a questionable charging call and drew blood from the official’s right hand. Though the NCAA rule book does not explicitly mention nipping, the team’s new star was assessed a flagrant foul and was ejected from the game. Following the game, dejection and concern was written across the face of each player, but Robinson attempted to calm them, muttering that the dog would “probably be sent to a big farm or something,” while avoiding eye contact. Surely, this experimental year has had a few bumps along the way for Brown athletics, but there’s still a lot of excitement ahead, including a Brown coed hockey exhibition match against a tough squad from Iceland, which is coached by an actual dentist.
T he B rown D aily H erald Editors-in-Cheese Simranjit “Simmi” Aujla Ross Frazier editorial Artsy Editor Robin Steele Andrea Savdie Cultured Editor High Editor Debbie Lehmann Chaz Firestone Featured Editor Ass-Featured Editor Olivia Hoffman Rachel Arndt Metroid Editor Metrosexual Editor Scott Lowenstein New Editor Michael Bechek Isabel Gottlieb Old Editor Nude Editor Franklin Kanin Michael Skocpol Newborn Editor Liberal Editor Karla Bertrand Libertarian Editor James Shapiro Sporty Editor Whitney Clark Sporting Editor Amy Ehrhart Jason Harris Sports Car Editor Asst. Sportage Editor Benjy Asher Andrew Braca Asst. Spork Editor Asst. Spoon Editor Megan McCahill
Senile Editors Taylor Barnes Chris Gang Stu Woo Business Darren Ball General Manager Mandeep Gill General Manager Susan Dansereau Office Manager Alex Hughes Sales Manager Lily Tran Sales Manager Emilie Aries Public Relations Director Jon Spector Accounting Director Claire Kiely National Account Manager Ellen DaSilva University Account Manager Darren Kong Recruiter Account Manager Katelyn Koh Credit Manager Ingrid Pangandoyon Technology Director photo Rahul Keerthi Meara Sharma Min Wu Ashley Hess
Photo Editor Asst. Photo Editor Asst. Photo Editor Sports Photo Editor
post- magazine production Steve DeLucia Production & Design Editor Chaz Kelsh Asst. Design Editor Catherine Cullen Copy Desk Chief Adam Robbins Graphics Editor
Matt Hill Rajiv Jayadevan Sonia Kim Allison Zimmer Colleen Brogan Arthur Matuszewski Kimberly Stickels
Managing Editor Managing Editor Features Editor Features Editor Associate Editor Associate Editor Associate Editor
Steve DeLucia, Designer Paula Armstrong, Ayelet Brinn, Jenn Kim, Joyce Ji, Copy Editors The Herald Television Writers Guild, Night Editors Senior Staff Writers Sam Byker, Nandini Jayakrishna, Chaz Kelsh, Sophia Li, Emmy Liss, Max Mankin, Brian Mastroianni, George Miller, Alex Roehrkasse, Caroline Sedano, Jenna Stark, Joanna Wohlmuth, Simon van Zuylen-Wood Staff Writers Stefanie Angstadt, Marisa Calleja, Noura Choudhury, Joy Chua, Sophia Lambertsen, Cameron Lee, Christian Martell, Anna Millman, Seth Motel, Evan Pelz, Leslie Primack, Marielle Segarra, Melissa Shube, Catherine Straut, Gaurie Tilak, Matthew Varley, Meha Verghese, Allison Wentz Sports Staff Writers Peter Cipparone, Han Cui, Meagan Garza, Lara Southern, Nicole Stock, Katie Wood Business Staff Stephanie Cheung, Veronica Yu, Jay Guan, Jennifer Chang, Jamie Phinney, Anna Reisetter, Kartika Chourdhury, Serena Ho, Akshay Rathod, Galen Cho, Maryrose Mesa, Van Le, Maura Lynch, Grant LeBeau, Jacqueline Goldman, Dana Feuchtbaum, Geraldo Guanaes, Lauren Presant, Lindsay Walls, Lucy Wang, Ruyi Jiang, Saul Lustgarten, Diego Gomez, Laura Sammartino, Ava Amini, Charley Chen, Lee Chau, Rory Stanton, Oliver Bowers, Katherine Richards, Alison Greenberg, Lilia Royanova Design Staff Jessica Calihan, Serena Ho, Rachel Isaacs, Andrea Krukowski, Joe Larios, Joanna Lee, Alex Unger, Aditya Voleti Photo Staff Oona Curley, Alex DePaoli, Erik Maser, Kim Perley, Quinn Savit Copy Editors Ria Ali, Paula Armstrong, Kim Arredondo, Ayelet Brinn, Aubrey Cann, Rafael Chaiken, Stephanie Craton, Erin Cummings, Katie Delaney, Julianne Fenn, Jake Frank, Anne Fuller, Josh Garcia, Jennifer Grayson, Rachel Isaacs, Joyce Ji, Jenn Kim, Tarah Knaresboro, Ted Lamm, Alex Mazerov, Seth Motel, Lisa Qing, Alex Rosenberg, Madeleine Rosenberg, Elena Weissman, Jason Yum
Editorial Brown Daily Herald
April 1, 2008
page 11
Staff Editorial No more staff editorials Sure, there’s a lot going on at Brown these days that deserves commentary. Changes in housing policies, changes in pre-registration policies, changes in hiring policies; administrators want this, the faculty wants that, the Corporation wants something else. It goes on. Money, money, money. Ruth, Ruth, Ruth. Blah, blah, blah. But why the hell is there a staff editorial every day? All you really need from The Herald is the f*cking crossword, anyway. The sudoku, if you’re one of those pasty hobbits who lives in the CIT. The menu’s helpful, too, so you know when to skirt that Hot Ham on Bulky Roll that backs up your intestines for days. And the weather lets you know when you can show off those really authentic galoshes you bought at Spectrum India the first week you came to Brown. One time you learned something in the paper. You heard about your friends at Skidmore getting Spring Weekend tickets before you did, because of how BCA was letting people buy a truckload of tickets on the first day, and that pissed you off. You read some stuff about that in the paper, and you got even more pissed. You almost figured out how to send a letter to the editor, before getting distracted by that new Lolcat application in your Facebook profile. Rawr. But other people’s opinions, on stuff you don’t care about? Screw that. We’re through with offering our own analysis. That’s right — starting today, we’ve eliminated the staff editorial. We don’t want to waste your precious Ratty reading time anymore. Wait. Shit. Where the f*ck is the crossword today?
Name that columnist! Herald opinions columnists on the subject of April Fools’ Day; see if you can guess who’s who! Columnist 1: April Fools’ Day is a symptom of the moral degeneracy of modern Liberalism. Only such a Godless and anti-Marriage Philosophy could produce the abomination of an entire day devoted to humor. Neither Edmund Burke nor the omni-benevolent creator would approve. Columnist 2: The great thing about April Fools’ day is that it causes people to buy products. Buying products is part of the wonderful and amazing free market, which would
have made us all perfectly happy people if it wasn’t for evil market regulation. I sleep with a copy of “The Road to Serfdom” under my pillow. Columnist 3: The concept of “April Fools’ Day” is part of a racist, patriarchal institution designed to protect the hegemonic social structures that promote the capitalist First World at the expense of the Fourth, propped up by “objective” “science.” What is needed to speak truth to the power of “April Fools’ Day” is a new politics incorporating the heretofore silenced voices of the Global South; only then can we all truly be free. Columnist 4: Neither the right nor the far left have an adequate grasp of the importance of April
Fools’ Day. Both groups, for opposite reasons, interpret the holiday far too seriously. This deadly seriousness risks alienating our European and moderate Muslim allies in the war on terrorism, without whom the whole world will become one big scary caliphate. Only members of the Democratic party who have exactly the same perspective on terrorism as me can save us from this terrible fate. Terrorism terrorism terrorism. Columnist 5: I like Barack Obama. No, I really like Obama. Seriously. I want Obama. I’d marry him if only he’d make it legal. DAMN YOU, MICHELLE! Columnist 6: I really <3 Web 2.0!!!!1!!
Ignore tedious information at your own peril Last Monday between 5 and 6 a.m., there was a planned power outage in Slater Hall. What a surprise! I mean, really, who could have foreseen this? If only there was some way for students to be able to know about this ahead of time and prepare. Maybe if there was some sort of service that e-mailed students every day, informing them of shit like this ahead of time, and keeping these students from being left in the dark — figuratively and literally. Oh wait, there is — me. I mean, seriously guys. A power outage or a myCourses shutdown should never surprise you. I warn you about these things well in advance so you can avoid the inconvenience of being unable to post on your Bio 20 discussion forum at a busy hour like 4 a.m. All you have to do is take a few minutes out of your busy day masturbating and reading Sports Illustrated to read me. You check your Facebook newsfeed to see which of your old summer camp friends added the Zombies application — you might do the same so you’ll know when you
have just three weeks left to see John Carter Brown Library exhibits. So when its 1:08 a.m. and you get an e-mail from me in your inbox, take a second to look it over. Maybe you’ll find something that interests you. And if you don’t — hey, that’s OK, it’s a good read anyway. The worst you could do is to just take the time to read the work I spent all day perfecting and collecting for you. Seriously, ask yourself. Do you ever take the time to think about me? To consider my feelings? It’s no snap to put together an e-mail like I do that is both informative and interesting to the students. All too often, you don’t even give me a second thought. My uncle Freddy told me, “Go into plastics. That’s where the money is.” But I told him no. “Someone needs to tell the students what’s going on,” I said. The prospect of a world in which students wandered the campus confused and afraid because they had no idea that there was going to be a panel discussion for pre-vet students that afternoon in MacMillan 115 was frightening.
Morning Mail Guest Columnist Maybe my job isn’t glamorous. Maybe the line “Hey, I’m Brown Morning Mail, click here for more information,” doesn’t always impress the ladies at Liquid Lounge. But at least I have the satisfaction of a job well done. At least I get to know that what I do serves the entire Brown community. And you kids really can benefit from the events I have posted. Seriously. For instance, I’m sure a lot of you had no idea that there was a lecture last night at the research building at 70 Ship Street about recent developments in cephalapod neuronal signaling. I bet you’re all pretty sad now that you missed out. I mean, I didn’t go, but it sure sounded really interesting. That’s why I told you about it in the first place. Guess you should have read me that morning. So next time you get thrown off by an early morning voicemail outage, don’t come crying to me. Chances are I told you ungrateful kids about it.
LETTERS Carbon dating is AMAzing Bacsically carbon dating is AMAzing, which is ccool, because I really need ot sow that is the case. Furtheromre, it is inportnat to remember that carbon dating is really greatly incfludn by the atomic bomb , because it juect is. Remember the whole atomic bomb thing? Well I fell like that is totally ‘true because e rember Libby? He said tht my bomb is really important to the Mahattan Projec,t which is right. Furthermore, I think that the whole carbo-14 thing in the atmosphere iwht the bbomb is also a sign of the influence eof the bomb. Some people sat that war is bad but remebr that the bomb acaused al of these cool things that carbon dating has done. Like th eatmic bomb and Willlar dLibbty, and slll the cool stuff. Like the new forensics application and other nrew modern way greater sensitivity. Like OBVI!!! Anyway, case clased, arbon dating is really amazing. QED! Joany, SMb. Love, Scott
Herald’s Anti-Ham, Anti-Bulky Roll Bigotry Uncalled For As a conscientious member of the Brown community, I feel I can remain silent no longer in face of this publication’s continued marginalization of one of this campus’ most oft- and unfairly maligned institutions: Hot Ham on Bulky Roll. Though an easy target for the “Coals,” long stereotyped in these pages as the most undesirable of entrees, Hot Ham on Bulky Roll’s straightforward nomenclature and plebian affect belie its status as an integral contributor to the Refectory offerings. I should know: it was I who first conceived of the uncomplicated-yetsumptuous synergy of rich, juicy ham and airy, breadelicious bulky rolls. Far from the culinary cop-out it is oft perceived as, Hot Ham on Bulky Roll represents, in fact, a carefully orchestrated interplay of flavors, accents and textures. It was not a recipe hastily conceived — I slaved for six long fortnights over a smoldering stovetop to perfect it in harmony. When the time came to name what I regard as my finest, most delicately exquisite creation to date, I could not bring myself to sully it with the base label “sandwich.” Rather, I sought a name worthy of such a delectable treat: descriptive yet elegant, capturing the essence of the dish and conveying the impeccable balance at work somewhere betwixt its meaty folds and bunny goodness. It came to me late one night — the elision of an indefinite article proved the crucial masterstroke. Hot Ham on Bulky Roll had been birthed, now christened with the sweat of my brow. Surely then you can see, you must see, why your slights pain me so — I do not take the disparagement of my beloved victual innovation lightly. I know I am not alone: many a student over the years has prostrated himself to me in gratitude for the rich, satisfying flavorstravaganza our kitchen has bestowed upon them. They too must be outraged at your publication’s callous disregard for the object of their deepest alimentational affections. Eugene-Pierre Haughtington Ratty Executive Chef
DAILY HERALD
SPORTS
Nude tennis: balls to the wall
April 1, 2008
GLADIATED Fencers slay Crimson in Xtreme finals
Polo cap’n:
‘Horsies are my favorite’