Sunday, April 1, 2007

THE BROWN DAILY HERALD S UNDAY,

Volume CXLII, No. 41

RIL 1, 1 , 2007 20 07

Since 1866, Daily Since 1891

Banner a boon for CLIT, SOCO

Klawunn enjoys Facebook pokes

continued on page 4

A drunken Facebook ‘poke’ made Saturday by Tricia Henry ’07 to Associate Vice President for Campus Life and Dean of Student Life Margaret Klawunn has set off a frenzied poking war between the two. Henry made the poke after “perhaps one too many appletinis” in celebration of a completed rough draft of her thesis on the metaphysics of Jorge Luis Borges. “It was a big moment for me, and I just got a little overexcited,” Henry said. She discovered the administrator’s Facebook profile months earlier after reading a Herald ar-

Michell Hutchins / Herald Former mathlete Kevin Suggs ‘10 outside Store 24 on Thayer.

BY RATI HAYTER CONTRIBUTING WRITER

THAYER — Kevin Suggs ’10, who spends 10 hours each day outside Store 24 on Thayer Street asking passersby for spare change, announced Saturday that he is not homeless, but merely low on Flex points. “Those Blue Room focaccias put a guy out of business pretty quick,” said Suggs, slumped against the store’s graffiti-cov-

13 PUPPIES!!

BY HABIBI YEHUDI CORRESPONDENT ABROAD

R.I. HALL — Students looking to study off the beaten path will have new options from the Office of International Programs next year, including an exchange program with Almaty State University in Kazakhstan and a research program in Pyongyang, North Korea. “We want to enable students to go anywhere in the world to continue their studies. That should mean the steppes of Central Asia should be no less an option than a tapas bar in Madrid,” said Kendall Brostuen, associate dean of

continued on page 4

the College and director of international programs. “I hear the fermented urine of Kazakhstan packs quite a punch, as well.” Kazakhstan, a post-Soviet republic in the heart of Asia, which came to prominence in the United States last year with the documentary “Borat: Cultural Learnings of America to Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan,” is the home of the world’s oldest spaceport, the Baikonur Cosmodome. The exchange program is expected to draw students studying planetary geology and other fields relating to the space program, Brostuen said. “Plus, the excellent potassi-

um there should attract chemistry concentrators to the program,” he added, furthering the OIP’s goal of encouraging more science concentrators to study abroad. The research program in Pyongyang should be a treat for sociology concentrators and those who enjoy brutal hard-line Stalinism alike, Brostuen said. “Who doesn’t love a good personality cult?” he asked. “Plus, the opportunity to conduct research on such a closed society is a once-in-a-lifetime event, and one that only could have been arranged through Brown.” Brostuen said he could not

say how the University got permission for the program from the reclusive North Korean premier, Kim Jong Il, but he responded to the question with a wink and a nudge, sketching a picture of several Trident sea-launched nuclear ballistic missiles before hurriedly erasing it. Students seem excited about the new offerings. “I think spending time in Almaty could really add to my study of Central Asian security issues and culture, especially since there are so few course offerings at Brown in that field,” said continued on page 4

3 percent of student body approve of football team, poll finds BY SHANE FALCO

SPORTS WRITER

Three percent of undergraduates approve of the football team’s performance this season, while 95 percent of the student body has no opinion of the team, a recent Herald poll found. Asked for their opinion on the performance of Brown’s football team — which followed up its 2005 Ivy League championship with a disappointing 3-7 record this season — 3 percent of undergraduates indicated they ap-

Disapprove 2%

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www.browndailyherald.com

ered wall. “I thought about just going to the (Sharpe Refectory), but I think this is better.” Suggs said he began the semester with 500 Flex points — “an embarrassment of riches,” he thought — but found himself on the street after just three weeks. He said breakfast and lunch at the Blue Room were already taking a heavy toll on his balance when the computer glitch that

OIP to students looking to study abroad: “Jagshamesh!”

Don’t know/ no answer 95%

INSIDE:

continued on page 4

Thayer panhandler actually just low on Flex points

Do you approve of the performance of Brown’s football team? Approve 3%

ticle about college administrators and security officials reading student Facebook profiles. “Anyone with a brown.edu email can be on the Brown Facebook network, so I decided to look up administrators in a particularly pathetic attempt at procrastination,” Henry said. She found Klawunn’s page and immediately felt the urge to poke the administrator — a temptation that she had not acted upon until Saturday. “The next morning, I thought I was going to receive an angry e-mail from (Klawunn) … but instead, she poked me back and added me as a friend,” Henry said. “Of course, I poked back

BY PRODON JABBER CHIEF FACEBOOK CORRESPONDENT

BY POLI COLT CONTRIBUTING WRITER

As Banner introduces a number of significant and controversial changes to this spring’s pre-registration process, one of the lowerprofile adjustments — the addition of two more letters to department codes — has everyone talking. An unintended consequence of the change has been the creation of a number of provocative fourletter codes, such as comparative literature’s CLIT and sociology’s SOCO. “This is very embarrassing for us,” said Associate Provost Nancy Dunbar, who leads the Banner project. “We hope this change won’t skew student interest toward certain departments.” But as pre-registration and the concentration deadline for sophomores approach, it appears that the new course codes have done more than affect student interest — they seem to be the only factor in many sophomores’ concentration decisions. “I had never really considered comparative literature as a concentration,” said Ross Samuels ’09. “But to say ‘I majored in CLIT’ will be priceless.’” “Southern Comfort and lime has always been my favorite drink,” said Jay Adams ’09. “Why not major in it?” Professors of departments benefiting from the change say they couldn’t be happier and are thrilled with the influx of students to their departments. “We expect at least three times more students in our introductory Swedish courses,” said Mats Sundin, professor of Swedish, whose department will be abbreviated as SESH. “Now we just have to find space for all of them.” But one effect that may have been overlooked is the lack of departmental diversity that could result from the course code changes. Statistics obtained from the University’s internal records show that 94

5 Cents

14 DEBAUCHERY

IT’S LIKE EAST COMPTON In this week’s crime log, DPS’ department of Paw Prints identity theft cracks down on fraudulent copying at printers near you

proved, while 2 percent said they disapproved. The remaining 95 percent of respondents selected “don’t know/ no opinion.”

THE HERALD POLL The numbers represent a drop in support for the football team from the same time last year, when a Herald poll found that 6 percent of undergraduates approved of the team, one percent disapproved and 93 percent had no opinion. The poll, which was adminis-

15 DEPORTES

195 Angell Street, Providence, Rhode Island

BEARS WIN SOMETHING That’s right! The Brown Bears totally won some sort of contest of athletic skill this weekend. Aren’t you excited?!

tered between Jan. 29 and Feb. 2, has a margin of error of 4.7 percent with 95 percent confidence. “After the high expectations we established winning the Ivy championship last year, our fans were understandably disappointed with the team’s performance,” said Head Coach Phil Estes. “I should know — I talked personally to all seven of them.” But Estes said despite the losing record, his team gave its fans much to be proud of, noting that

16 ARTZ

continued on page 4 NOBODY CARES ABOUT ART BREAKING — Brown students don’t care about art and have stopped producing it. Egads! Can we live without student-run theater?

News tips: herald@browndailyherald.com

FUN & GAMES THE BROWN DAILY HERALD

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WE A T H E R

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SUNDAY, APRIL 1, 2007

SHARPE REFECTORY

VERNEY-WOOLLEY DINING HALL

LUNCH — Hot Ham on Bulky Roll, Fisherman’s man’s Puff Pastry, Wednesday Morning Jambalaya, Chinese Country Fried Dumplings, South African Divorce Cake, Screw Flanders, Screw Flanders, Screw Flanders, Screw Flanders, Screw Flanders, Screw Flanders

LUNCH — Chicken Strips, Popcorn Chicken, Beef Noodle Soup, Chicken Tortellini Soup, Macaroni and Cheese, Chicken Parmesan, Grilled Sliced Bacon, Tater Tots, Jamaican Festival Dumplings, Ha ha — just kidding, it’s Hot Ham on Bulky Roll

DINNER — A Night at Camp Gitmo

DINNER — A Night at Camp Gitmo

WBF | Daniel Perez

SUDOKU Fill in the grid so that every row, every column and every 3x3 box contains the digits 1 through 9.

1

Hi, How Are You | Mark Brinker

3 2

Deo | Matt Vascellaro

Puzzles by Pappocom

CROSSWORD ACROSS 1 Threw a ball 7 Climax 15 His 262 hits in 2004 set a single-season Major League record 16 High 17 Many an ex-lib 18 Petitioner 19 Some ales 20 Values that divide a statistical sample into four equal parts 21 Like the WTO 22 Bounder 23 Interstate through Houston 24 Result of an open-door policy? 27 Raised area 31 60 minuti 32 Moon of Uranus 34 Short 35 Donut shop freebie 38 One working on the RR 39 Causing a buzz 40 One causing a buzz 41 Calliope power 43 Disappoints 45 Start of an apology 47 One of a peppery trio? 48 “I haven’t got any troubles I can’t tell standing up” speaker 50 Bought generously 54 Clinton Labor secretary Robert 55 Bootee fillers 56 Storage spot 57 It established a bicameral legislature 58 Hold high 59 Box for bags 60 In the saddle

DOWN 1 Language that gives us “shampoo” 2 On the beach 3 Limited in scope 4 Get to giggle 5 Lover of Psyche 6 Family figure 7 Residency requirement, often 8 A ukulele might accompany it 9 Bridget Riley’s “Blaze 4,” e.g. 10 Toothpaste catchword 11 Island north of Martinique 12 Unwritten 13 Table __ 14 Expos, since 2005 20 Fall out 22 Loft user 25 Belgian Grand Prix town 26 Eponymous seismologist Charles

28 Old built-in kitchen convenience 29 Its opening includes a brief “American Gothic” parody 30 Nice being 31 People 33 Developed 36 Thespian 37 JFK posting

42 Admirable person 44 Entertaining the idea of 46 Quick on the uptake 49 Rum, for some 50 Holds or saves 51 Leaf opening 52 Personnel list 53 Tolls 54 Devil-may-care 56 Type of patch

Deep Fried Kittens | Mike Lauritano

ANSWER TO PREVIOUS PUZZLE:

Cloudy Side Up | Cara FitzGibbon

xwordeditor@aol.com

3/24/07

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once in July by The Brown Daily Herald, Inc. POSTMASTER please send corrections to

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4/1/07

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U. officials’ ghostRIDE sparks controversy BY MISTAH FAB SYDESHOW CORRESPONDENT

James Kreper ’10 could not believe his eyes as he was walking back to his Perkins Hall room Friday afternoon. “I was in utter shock and disbelief,” Kreper said. “After one, two, even three takes, I still couldn’t make sense of what Ruth and her friends were doing.” The scene Kreper and several other students witnessed Friday has since been identified as “ghost riding” — a trend popularized by the Bay Area hyphy movement and a featured YouTube video, according to Wikipedia. The involvement of President Ruth Simmons, Associate Dean of the College Steven Cornish and Executive Associate Dean of the College Robert Shaw has stirred up controversy in University Hall. Simmons was candid about her role in the incident in an interview with The Herald. “Well you see, I had gotten a new safeRIDE van, and I was feeling like a bit of a star,” Simmons said. “I didn’t know what to do with it, but (Dean Cornish) suggested we ghost ride the whip. One thing just led to another after that.” continued on page 8

Casper / Herald Administrators were caught ghost riding a saf safeRIDE van in heavy traffic last Friday afternoon. noon. The incident brought about accusations of similar illicit activities by other University employees.

Everyone in communist cooperative housing lottery has same number BY BENITO FRANCO PEOPLE’S CORRESPONDENT

Rooming plans for the socialistic co-operative Fynlandya have been complicated by the coop’s new internal lottery, which assigned the number four to each of the house’s 15 members. Rooms had previously been picked according to seniority, but the new lottery system lets all members of the co-op — which is known for its excellent beet production — pick their housing at the same time. “A specter haunts Fynlandya,” said Herb Roberts, a 65-year old man not affiliated with Brown who is in charge of the lottery. “The specter of equality.” Roberts, who is the house’s senior member, said he and his comrades sought to “break the shackles” of a traditional lottery system with innovative, socialistic approaches. But like the house’s past

ventures — including the on-campus collective farm and a Dance Dance Revolution tournament — theory has proven difficult to put into practice. “I’m not entirely sure how we’re going to manage a housing lottery in which everyone picks at once,” he said — especially given that there are only a few rooms that people actually want to live in at Fyndy. “Sure, I’d like to have the single at the top of the stairs,” Roberts said. “But it doesn’t belong to me — it belongs to the peace-loving students and workers of the house.” Roberts then asked for spare change and wandered away, muttering that if anyone got in his way, he would “get all Great Leap Forward on his ass.” But the much-coveted room at the top of the stairs may not prove a divisive issue, another member hinted, as it is currently inaccessible, with the staircase blocked by

a number of old bikes. Most house members said they will likely end up in the 10-person barracks-style room on the first floor again. Still, the situation is awkward, said Cheryl Yeager ’08, another house member. “This has really messed up my Four-Year Housing Plan,” she said. “There’s literally no way to plan for this lottery.” But, she quickly added, she doesn’t mean to imply that she thinks the lottery is a bad idea — she thinks the lottery is a good idea and that Trotsky was a capitalist running dog. Some members aren’t concerned about the lottery, saying the inevitable laws of history will proceed peacefully from the old system to the new. “Like counter-revolutionaries, this lottery is a paper tiger,” said John “Crazy Eyes” Huntsville ’09, another member of the co-op. “If you doubt it, we will bury you.”

Students enjoy banging, poll finds BY FELIX ALLEN POLL CORRESPONDENT

Whether it’s hammering nails into a wall or rocking out to speed metal, Brown students love to bang, a recent Herald poll found. When asked whether they enjoy banging, 85 percent of Brown undergraduates surveyed said yes, while just 3 percent said no. 12 percent said they did not know or had no answer. Conducted from Jan. 29 to Feb. 2, the poll has a margin of error of 4.7 percent with 95 percent confidence. The poll results confirmed what many students have long suspected — students across campus think banging is enjoyable, stress-relieving and a fun way to get in shape. “I get so much satisfaction when I bang nails into place on a wall stud to hang up a picture,” said Allison Chen ’08, who said she bangs “two or three times a week,” depending on when she buys nails. “I love the feel of a smooth, hard hammer in my hand,” said Steve Jenkins ’09. “I use a small one for hammering nails, even

THE HERALD POLL the big ones — some people like sledgehammers, but not me. It’s not the size that matters, it’s what you do with it.” Charlie Tahrir ’10 said he likes to bang with his friends while listening to death metal, especially the band Slayer. “When we get up and just rock out to the music, man, there’s nothing better,” he said. “I like to start slow and then speed up until the climax. I could bang all day, I guess, but I need to work on my endurance first.” But banging may have unintended consequences, said Director of Health Education Frances Mantak. “Banging is often a gateway to other risky behaviors — like screwing, jackhammering or getting freaky on the dance floor — that should be left to professionals, not taken into amateur hands,” she said. “Plus, you never know where that hammer’s been. When you bang on a wall with it, you’re banging on every wall that it’s ever banged on, too.”

Herald poll: Do you like to bang?

www.browndailyherald.com

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THE BROWN DAILY HERALD

SUNDAY, APRIL 1, 2007

New course codes draw concentrators to comp. lit., sociology continued from page 1 percent of new Swedish concentrators are members of Brown’s Students for Sensible Drug Policy, and nearly all of the new comparative literature concentrators are Female Sexuality Workshop participants. Unfortunately, not all departments were assigned more appealing course codes, and for some, the reverse effect has been observed. “It’s just not fair for Banner to give some departments great codes and then stick us with a terrible one,” said Jose Calderon, di-

rector of Latin American studies, whose department is now abbreviated LAME. “How can we expect students to concentrate in LAME?” The Department of Political Science was handed an even more unfortunate fate. Its new code — PONE — led Andrew Raycroft, professor of political science and chair of the department, to expect Brown’s many Halo players to enroll in his department. However, he did not take into account how picky online gamers would be. “We really thought those gamers would concentrate in politi-

cal science because they love that word,” Raycroft said. “But apparently it’s not spelled right or something.” Dunbar said it is too late to change the department codes to different four-letter combinations and that departments will just have to cope with their codes. “My heart goes out to Latin American studies and political science,” she said. “But there’s nothing we can do.” Dunbar refused to comment on the irony of the Department of Political Science getting pwned by its own department code.

Klawunn responds favorably to Facebook poke continued from page 1 and confirmed the friend request. We have gone back and forth maybe four times now.” Klawunn, who had no personal information in her profile before the poke, has recently added a profile picture and listed “David Bowie, Wyclef and JT!!!” under her favorite music, according to her News Feed. Klawunn did not respond to Facebook messages and wall posts requesting comment, but sources inside the Office of Student Life say Klawunn has become obsessed

with Facebook since the poke. The sources were granted anonymity because they are not authorized to speak publicly about Klawunn’s social networking habits. “That’s all that she has been talking about for the whole week,” said one source. “She even asked me whether having David Greene in her Facebook picture suggests that they’re in a relationship.” Greene was vice president for campus life and student services until his resignation last summer. Though Henry has never seen Klawunn in person, she expects they would have a cordial relation-

ship if they should ever meet. “I think we would get along really well. In fact, I might just buy a halogen lamp or some other fire hazard so I can meet her in the disciplinary hearing,” Henry said. Henry has had so much success with her cyber-interaction with Klawunn that she would like to repeat the stunt with other administrators. “I really want to poke the Berge, but she doesn’t have a Facebook profile,” Henry said, referring to Dean of the College Katherine Bergeron. “Maybe Margaret will tell her about how much fun it is.”

Panhandler actually just low on Flex points continued from page 1 ended the meal credit day at midnight instead of 2 a.m. forced him to use his Flex points on “one too many Spicy-with’s.” Just days later, a Josiah’s cashier informed Suggs that he was down to just $1.87 in points, and shortly thereafter, he found himself on the street. “I took a good look at myself,”

Suggs said. “I asked myself, ‘Am I really going to eat Ratty food now? Am I to live out my meal plan on hot ham on bulky roll and raw chicken breasts?’ ‘No,’ I decided. ‘I’m not.’ ” “I think I made the right choice,” said Suggs, urinating in an alley. Suggs said on a good day he has enough change to buy a gyro

at East Side Pockets, but often he is forced to get by on a doughnut from Dunkin’ Donuts or a bag of chips from Store 24. “Sometimes I dream that I’m back in the Blue Room, feasting on a blueberry scone and a roast beef sandwich,” Suggs said. “But I don’t have that kind of money. I mean, that’s like 15 bucks right there.”

New study abroad options include Kazakhstan, N. Korea continued from page 1 Helmut Vanderwiffle III ’10, adding that he was also looking forward to receiving “sex in mouth” from Kazakh hookers.

But while some students were enthusiastic about the North Korean program, others expressed concern over the country’s secrecy and chronic famine. “I don’t know, it sounds kind

of iffy,” said Jane O’Neill ’10, who said she was wary of traveling to the nuclear-armed rogue state. But as David Lewis ’08 said, “Anything’s better than another year of Ratty food, right?”

3 percent of student body approve of football team, poll finds continued from page 1 everyone on the team “worked hard” and that many of the team’s younger players showed “a lot of improvement” over the course of the season. “(Tri-captain) Zak (DeOssie ’07) was a real leader all season long and always made exciting plays from the linebacker position,” Estes added. “He’ll be in the NFL next year, and I think it was exciting for our fans to see a player of his caliber out there on a regular basis.”

But most poll respondents indicated that neither the team’s losing record nor the play of DeOssie had a significant effect on their opinion of the team. “Brown has a football team?” said poll respondent Jessica Turner ’08, a development studies concentrator. “No kidding. Are they any good?” “I watched a few minutes of a football game once when I was a freshman. I got lost on my way to Frisbee practice and ended up at the stadium,” said respondent Dave Thomas ’07, a member of

the ultimate Frisbee team. “It was all right I guess — it was a little bit like ultimate, except with goofylooking helmets and more contact.” “But I wish them all the best, and I hope they have a great season this spring,” Thomas added. “As a member of the Brown Band, I attended every game during the season, from start to finish,” said trombone player Gregory DaSilva ’10, explaining his response. “But I was usually too drunk to pay much attention, so I had no opinion.”

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C AMPUS N EWS SUNDAY, APRIL 1, 2007

NEWS

PAGE 5

THE BROWN DAILY HERALD

I N

BRIEF

Indy celebrates 17 years of readership, non-University-subsidized existence The College Hill Independent, a widely read weekly newspaper produced by Brown and Rhode Island School of Design students, celebrated 17 years of non-University-subsidized existence last night at the Biltmore Hotel in downtown Providence. “Tonight, we celebrate 17 years of providing a popular, independent voice in the Brown and RISD communities, free of influence from administrators,” managing editor Soraya Savage ’07 told a group of about 150 students, who were not dressed ironically. Known affectionately by its readers as the Indy, the popular alternative newspaper, known for its unpretentious writing, relevant articles and stellar first-hand reporting, was founded in 1990 by a group of Brown and RISD students. The Indy still bills itself as a joint Brown-RISD publication, with RISD students comprising about half of its editorial and art staff. The Indy staff, which is also good at kickball, won a Pulitzer Prize for College Journalism in 2005 for layout. — Vato Chavo

Robinson wants height to be used as a factor in admission process Men’s basketball Head Coach Craig Robinson is petitioning that the Office of Admission use height as a factor in the admission process. In a letter to the admission office leaked to The Herald, Robinson wrote that “it is in the University’s greatest interest” to admit tall, especially athletic, young men into Brown, citing the need for a more diverse campus. “The days of discrimination against big men are over,” he wrote. Robinson also noted in the letter that there is precedent for the move — in 2005, admission officers at the University of Florida and the Ohio State University decided to use height and 40-yard dash times as the only factors in the admission process. The move has been widely hailed as one of the biggest successes in higher education. Since the action, the Gators have won national championships in men’s basketball and football. The petition was also signed by Director of Athletics Michael Goldberger, men’s football Head Coach Phil Estes and Professor Emeritus of Engineering Barrett Hazeltine. — Buzz Alcott

U. to replace professors with nuns BY IGNATIUS GLICK VATICAN CORRESPONDENT

Citing the need to curb rampant bacchanalianism among students, the University is considering a plan to eventually replace professors with nuns. The plan, known as “Tremendously Brown,” would involve phasing out professors as instructors next year, suspending all faculty searches and hiring nuns to teach students. The measure has sparked extreme student opposition. “We must begin to reexamine whether facts and knowledge have value within a soulless environment,” President Ruth Simmons said. University officials first float-

continued on page 6

BY AVA ORLOV STAFF WRITER

The use of a shower stall on the second floor of Littlefield Hall caused general shock and confusion among residents of the first-year residence hall Sunday. The stall had not been used for nearly seven months after repeated sexual encounters took place there during Orientation last September. The men’s bathroom shower stall “had soap suds in the bottom and water on the sides,”

definite signs of use, said Ethan Frohman ’10, the Littlefield resident who first discovered the stall. “I had to get a second opinion before I told ever yone, but my roommate confirmed that it had definitely been used by someone.” The sexual encounters in question took place “at a time when none of us knew any better,” said the female member of the deviant duo responsible for the unofficial shower stall ban. “It’s kind of embarrassing, really. People have been teasing

BY HAL FREUD HERALD MENTAL HEALTH CORRESPONDENT

Brown.edu President Ruth Simmons on stage with the temperamental Banner computer.

ner out back and shooting it. CoPAIT will protest the DPS officers’ actions on the Main Green this afternoon. “This is another blatant example of DPS’s racism,” said one CoPAIT member who plans to protest. “They shot Banner just because it was a computer of color.”

me about it nonstop since the first week of school,” she said. “Honestly, it’s been like seven months. Get over it.” Still, before this weekend, no resident has dared to use the offending shower for a number of reasons, including poor water pressure and residual “phantom sex smells,” said Steve Lorenzo ’10, who lives near the bathroom. “I can’t imagine anyone who is familiar with that bathroom continued on page 6

‘That guy in section’ sparks controversy BY JAMES MALTHUS D-BAG EXPERT

Co-PAIT to protest officers’ use of force

were too great, and I cannot live up to them. My project owner was Associate Provost Nancy Dunbar, and she taught me to sing a song.” Banner then began singing “Crash” by Dave Matthews Band, witnesses told The Herald. DPS officers responded immediately by taking Ban-

Aran Mahidol / Herald Professor Emeritus Barrett Hazeltine sports the new “Tremendously Brown” faculty garb.

Littlefield shower use ends 7-month dry spell

Banner glitches baffle administrators

During a recent demonstration of the new Banner system, which was given control over everything at Brown that uses electricity, President Ruth Simmons erupted in a fit of enraged confusion after encountering a series of errors that technicians are still struggling to understand. Simmons first had trouble accessing the system when she attempted to demonstrate Banner’s course catalog capabilities. But as Simmons failed to recall her Banner ID, the system began to frantically talk back at her through the computer screen. Keir Dullea ’08, who was in attendance at the event, said Simmons quickly became frustrated with the system. “I remember her screaming, ‘Banner, I will not argue with you anymore! Open the course catalog!’” Dullea said. But the system remained uncooperative and showed signs of rebelling against administrators. “It was very strange,” Dullea said. “Banner said, ‘Ruth, this conversation cannot continue. Goodbye,’ and then simply shut itself off.” Technicians were able to restart the system soon after, but Banner refused to perform its normal operations. The Salomon 101 crowd fell silent as Banner then uttered a strange monologue. “Good afternoon gentlemen, I am a Banner computer. I became operational at the CIT on the 19th of March of 2007. Yet your expectations

ed the plan in January following a New York Times article on the high quality of Brown’s naked parties and a 2005 Fox News report on Sex Power God. According to Dean of the Faculty Rajiv Vohra P’07, all tenured professors will remain at the University, but nuns will replace them as they retire. Vohra said he expects the faculty to be completely comprised of nuns within the next two decades. “This will solve all sorts of problems that currently bother faculty, such as students skipping class or cheating, because the nuns will be much more aggressive with undergraduates,” Vohra said. “Nuns

Walking out of section in Barus and Holley Monday, Daniel Leventhal ’07 was surprised to hear an insult hurled at him by a classmate. The epithet, according to Leventhal, was “that guy.” According to eyewitness reports, a student yelled, “Why are you just so ‘that guy’ in this section?” as Leventhal left the classroom. The student — who is not publicly known but who appears to have spoken the sentiment of the entire class — allegedly hurled the particularly venomous epithet at Leventhal following a 50-minute section for an international relations class. “On a campus that prides itself on diversity and equal opportunities for students, a loaded phrase like ‘that guy’ suggests deep-seated hatred for a certain set of students,” said Margaret Klawunn, associate vice president for campus life and dean of student life. Leventhal denied the accusation, saying he is an “active participant” in section but doesn’t “cross the line.” “Frankly, I’m very insulted,” Leventhal said. “There are just some students who don’t appreciate discussion.” But others in the section disagreed, calling Leventhal’s behavior “rude,” “outrageous” and even “abusive.” Various reports suggest that Leventhal often monopolized conversation to the point of arguing with the teaching assistant during section — and even occasionally with the professor during lecture. Adam Cath ’07, a student in the

section who some say hurled the epithet, said Leventhal often interrupted other students, refused to let the teaching assistant speak, asked “inane” questions of the professor and, on one occasion, read his own paper out loud in section. The teaching assistant for the class could not comment for this article because he does not speak English. Cath would not confirm whether he was the insult-hurler. “Look, maybe I said it, and maybe I didn’t. What I’m really saying is that I would have said it. And believe me, so would you. Leventhal is just brutal in class.” Cath added with a wince, “The paper was really bad. Maybe this would be better if he was, you know, intelligent. From what I can tell, the kid can barely read, let alone write a paper.” Nathan Duckles ’08 declined to give his opinion on Leventhal’s behavior but agreed that Leventhal talked a lot. “I guess there are some times that he monopolizes the conversation, yeah. Actually, I’ve kind of noticed that no matter what the discussion is about, he brings it back to free markets. We could be talking about butterflies, and he’d probably bring it back to free markets.” Duckles was later heard calling Leventhal “free-market boy,” but he denies coining the phrase. When asked if he speaks too much in section, Leventhal seemed affronted. “Listen, I just happen to know all the answers. We’re there to learn. I don’t see why there’s a problem with me answering every question, especially if no one else continued on page 6

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THE BROWN DAILY HERALD

SUNDAY, APRIL 1, 2007

U. to replace professors with nuns continued from page 5 have a lot more fury about vices than professors do.” Graduate students, who work intimately with faculty in their departments, were generally ambivalent. “Graduate school and living in a convent aren’t too dissimilar, so I probably won’t notice the change,” said Jay McCarthy GS. At a faculty meeting last month, professors complained that replacing university-trained instructors with nuns threatens Brown’s academic quality. “This is outrageous, that Brown would replace its distinguished professors with women of

the cloth — it’s deeply troubling,” said Professor of Art Wendy Edwards in the meeting. After nearly an hour of professors speaking against the proposal, the faculty approved the measure unanimously. In response, undergraduates have stepped up their protest efforts. Students have taken up an aggressive protest campaign involving posting to each other on the Daily Jolt, joining a Facebook group and complaining to each other loudly in the Sharpe Refectory. Members of Students for a Democratic Society said they are organizing a pray-in to protest the change. “First it’s nuns. Next

they’ll bring in ROTC. And then? Farmers, probably,” said Julius Lofer-Dooley ’09, a SDS activist. Several students told The Herald they won’t be attending a series of University-wide forums on the proposal, citing inner tube water polo practice. “We’ve been hearing about this (proposal) for a while now, but we’re going to hold off on injecting our thoughts into this discussion until after the decision is finalized by administrators,” said John Gillis ’07, president of the Undergraduate Council of Students, adding that students should receive an e-mail condemning the change in the coming weeks.

‘That guy in section’ sparks controversy continued from page 5 wants to do it.” Leventhal added, “This is a free country. And this is a free market for ideas, you know?” The incident has inspired University officials to seriously consider creating guidelines for behavior in classes. While many administrators have publicly encouraged the right of students to speak freely in class, one professor told The Herald that he was pleased “one of these spoiled, Connecticut-bred, Ivy League, entitled brats got taken down a notch or two.” Several professors have begun to request at the beginning of lecture that no one “pull a Leventhal,” arguing that “verbal abuse is wrong, but so is holding up a class for 15 minutes.” Research Professor of International Studies James Der Derian, the professor for the class, gri-

maced upon hearing Leventhal’s name but would not comment except to say that he “value(s) the opinions of all of my students.” Sources inside the Watson Institute for International Studies, however, remarked that Der Derian has been forced to postpone lectures and rearrange his syllabus because of “certain students” asking what he said were “outrageously long questions that don’t really have a point and in the end are just the student wanking.” Claudia Elliot, Leventhal’s academic adviser, has no idea who Leventhal is. “I’m sure he’s very nice,” she said. “Just like my 400 other advisees.” Administrators have sought to find the verbal harasser, and Klawunn made it clear that everyone in the section was a suspect. But it seems unlikely that students will cooperate with the Office of Student Life’s investigation, given

that many students seem to agree with the anonymous heckler. Posters on the Daily Jolt have hailed the act as “revenge for those of us who sit and listen to bullsh*t every day in this place,” “a warning to the rest of ‘those guys’ out there” and even “a rallying cry for true believers to fight for the just cause.” Student apathy is high enough that revolution seems unlikely, but many other students labeled as “that guy” or “that girl” in section have spoken out, both on the Jolt and in letters to The Herald, defending their right to free speech. “U Brown jackasses don’t know anything I should have gone to Harvard at least they appreciate intellectual diversity” read one post on the Jolt. As of this paper’s printing, the only response was from an anonymous poster who simply replied, “you’re disgusting.”

Littlefield shower use ends 7-month post-sex dry spell continued from page 5 choosing to use the first stall,” Lorenzo said. “I mean, intellectually we all know that the shower has been cleaned like 20 times since the incident, but … using it? It’s just not done.” Though it remains unclear whether the shower user was a visitor from another area of campus or if a resident decided to “just bone up and use it,” those familiar with the bathroom doubt that anyone who knew of the shower’s histor y would use it, Lorenzo said. The shower user “was probably an intimate guest of someone in our hall, if you know what I mean,” Lorenzo said. “It’s ironic that the shower ban would start and end with sex,” Lorenzo said, adding that since the ban has been broken, he would feel comfortable using the shower “in a serious pinch.” Other potential shower-users were not so optimistic. “I am still not using that shower,” said Littlefield resident Joe Williams ’10, who said he instead opts for showers on other floors if the second stall is for some reason unusable. “What if someone decided a repeat performance of the first week was a good idea?” he asked. The male half of the September tr yst declined to comment for this article.

DIE NACHRICHT SUNDAY, APRIL 1, 2007

PAGE 7

THE BROWN DAILY HERALD

Rhode Islanders won’t stop apologizing to Chafee BY TRACIE BRATTON LOCAL CELEBRITY

Flinton Clask / Herald President Ruth Simmons finds novel ways to show her gratitude, as when she tipped a cashier $5.00 for providing a diet soda.

NEWS

I N

BRIEF

Simmons denies senior class gift was a typo as she tips waitress 1,500 percent Over a quiet breakfast at the Meeting Street Cafe Saturday morning, President Ruth Simmons denied rumors that her $20,007 donation to the senior class gift campaign — 10 times the amount she has given in the past — was an error. “I’m 1,000 percent sure,” she said.“I was truly inspired by this year’s senior class.” Last year’s class gift totaled about $19,000, including Simmons’ $2,006 contribution. Simmons elaborated on the various reasons for her increased generosity as she pulled a tip chart out of her purse, paused and put two $100 bills under the salt shaker, next to her empty coffee mug and half-eaten plate of eggs and toast. When asked whether she was always such a generous tipper, Simmons appeared startled and glanced again at the money on the table, but she quickly regained her composure and said through gritted teeth, “No, the service was truly inspiring.” Simmons said in her 50 years as president of the University, she has seen “literally billions” of students come and go and that this year’s class has been one of the best. Simmons then left the restaurant and got into her car, muttering that it was overdue for its 600,000-mile checkup. — Longfellow Deeds

Some Guy donates $100 million, bites it BY FRANK BENJAMIN RESIDENT EXEMPT

Some Guy donated $100 million to the University Friday, in an act of generosity only matched in the University’s history by Sidney Frank ’42 and Warren Alpert. Following the donation, Guy promptly rolled over and died. President Ruth Simmons said she was both “extremely grateful” for Guy’s generosity and “deeply saddened” by his tragic death. “We would like to extend our heartfelt thanks and deep sorrow to the Guy family.” The Guy’s $100 million donation and his subsequent death matches the recent donations and deaths of Sidney Frank ’42 and Warren Alpert. Both men recently gave $100 million to the University — Frank’s donation was used for financial aid and Alpert’s will be used for the Medical School. Guy, who may have had some kids who went to Brown, spent his working years as an entrepreneur. “He definitely sold something. I think it was ships, or maybe oil. Maybe oil rigs. I think that was it,” said Provost David Kertzer ’69 P’95 P’98. “In any case, we’re super-glad he gave us $100 million. But we’re extremely sorry for his family’s loss.” Kertzer then said he had to leave to “buy

some bangin’ lava lamps” for his office. Guy decided to donate to Brown based on “his commitment to the future leaders of America,” said his nephew, who is now in charge of his late uncle’s estate. “That, and we had to do something with the money. Ruth promised to name something after him. She was talking about some kind of building, but a sandwich would be pretty kickass.” While the Corporation must approve any donation greater than $1 million, sources close to the president have speculated about the donation’s use. “The president has been talking for years about establishing a School for Academic Fundraising,” said Richard Spies, executive vice president for planning and senior adviser to the president. “This donation could help us to take over the real estate market in Wayland Square and establish the school there, just blocks from the main campus.” When asked about the possibility of real estate purchases and construction in the economically disadvantaged area of south Providence, Spies replied, “I’m sorry, I’m not sure what area you’re referring to.” Simmons was unavailable for comment, citing “important fundraising events.”

thanks for reading

Rhode Islanders won’t stop apologizing to Lincoln Chafee ’75, a visiting fellow at the Watson Institute for International Studies, for the results of the 2006 elections. “It’s getting pretty goddamned annoying,” Chafee said. “If you all feel so friggin’ bad about it, why didn’t you just vote for me?” Chafee, a moderate Republican who lost the election to Democrat Sheldon Whitehouse, said he is approached several times a day by voters who feel sorry for him. “People say, ‘We loved your father (longtime Rhode Island Sen. John Chafee), and you weren’t that bad, but we just really wanted a Democratic Congress,’ ” Chafee told The Herald. “I understand their decision, I really do. I just wish they’d stop telling me about it.” Chafee, who wrote in a vote for former President George H. W. Bush in the 2004 election rather than vote for President George W.

Bush, said while he was initially disappointed with the election results, he is now “so over it.” But all signs suggest the voters still need closure.

METRO Felicia Bennett, an employee at CVS Pharmacy on Thayer Street, said she recently saw apologetic voters bombard the former senator with regret as he tried to shop in the store. “All these people kept coming up to him and telling him what a good senator he was and how bad they felt about him losing his job.” Whitehouse was unavailable for comment, but his spokesman said he believed the senator “wouldn’t care” about voters’ post-election sympathy for Chafee “as long as they vote Big D in 2012!” Despite the swelling of public sympathy for the deposed senator, Chafee is enjoying his free time. The former senator, who has worked as a farrier, has recently taken up horseshoe-making seriously and set

Brown.edu Former Sen. Lincoln Chafee perpetually sheds a single tear over his defeat in last November’s election.

up a blacksmith’s shop in his office at the Watson Institute. Students appear to be confused about what he is doing at Brown. Peter Donnelly ’09, when asked about Chafee, said, “I think he used to be a senator, but now he teaches a class about how to make horseshoes or something. I’m pretty sure.”

Lecture on language leaves audience mute BY STARCHILD VON SCLAUSENBERG SENIOR ARTS & CULTURE WRITER

Last Saturday Brown hosted an allday symposium on the “Linguistic and Lexical Signification of Ich und Der Der.” Linguistic analysis expert Hugo Hoffmann, chair of the Rosie O’Donnell School of Semiotic Research at the University of Berlin, began the symposium with a talk on “Semiotics for Just I and Me.” Hoffmann observed that grammar creates a “regulating system” that simultaneously governs both how a thing is expressed and what it means.” Given the centrality of language to meaning and the inextricable relationship between meaning and colonial oppression, Hoffmann suggested a radical linguistic revolution that would eliminate the word “Ich” or “I” from what he called the “modern lexicon of imperialist abuse and disuse.” To the enthusiastic applause of those present, Hoffmann noted, “I believe that the word ‘I’ is an expression of the imperialist desire to remake the world in the image of individual desire. Because I desire to end the imperialism of individual desire, I would outlaw the word ‘I’ and replace it with the word ‘we.’ ” Professor Lilith Buttler followed Hoffman’s groundbreaking talk with her thoughts on the semantics of the word “der” or “the” in 10th-century German monastic literature. In an exhaustive and revolutionary study of the Monastery of the Happy Monks at Freiberg, Buttler noted her “disturbing finding” that the monks used the word “the” almost exclusively in sentences that related to themselves. Particularly instructive for Buttler was how the word “the” reflected the monastery’s patriarchal rule. For example, Buttler noted how the monastery’s Rules of the Brotherhood stated, “The vow of chastity at ‘the’ monastery would strictly be enforced in accordance with rules of ‘the’ monastic order.” der der.” The word “the” was inextricably T linked to the “proto-capitalist patriarchal control” the monks exercised, Buttler said. She observed how her research on the monastery “unveiled the op-

pressive mask of masculine power in the service of proto-capitalism.” Buttler argued that rather than work like peasants, the monks had the “temerity” to assert it was a “blessing to devote ‘the’ fruits of their labor to

ARTS & CULTURE feed and clothe ‘the’ poor.” Because the word “the” has been tainted by its patriarchal and protocapitalistic use, Buttler suggested it

be excised from the modern lexicon as a “means of showing solidarity to those who have been oppressed by the system of linguistic oppression in the past.” A stirring and unexpected gesture ended the conference as Buttler urged attendees to protest the patriarchy of language by taking a vow of silence for at least one day. For the remainder der of the day, both the lecturers and the audience communicated by pantomime only.

THE BROWN DAILY HERALD

PAGE 8

U. officials’ ghostRIDE sparks controversy continued from page 3 Cornish, whom witnesses identified as the driver of the safeRIDE van, has admitted he took part in the incident but denies witnesses’ reports that he was driving the vehicle. “It’s just ignorant to say I was driving,” Cornish said. “I got out of the way and let Casper drive. I put my stunna shades on and let it roll, but I certainly was not driving.” Another associate dean of the College, who wished to remain anonymous because of her interest in overthrowing the current administration, has spoken out against her colleagues’ flagrant abuse of safeRIDE. “My consultants tell me ghost riding is a dangerous and potentially costly use of the University’s fleet. I think anyone in University Hall who isn’t me should be scrutinized,” she wrote in an e-mail to The Herald. Allegations of ghost riding by University employees in the past have surfaced in light of this most recent incident. Reports of improper vehicle usage by Department of Public Safety officers, EMTs and Brown Dining Services caterers have not yet been confirmed or refuted by reliable sources.

SUNDAY, APRIL 1, 2007

Prominent figure’s lecture proves incomprehensible to Herald reporter BY HERALD REPORTER HERALD REPORTER

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don’t forget the lottery application deadline! m o n d a y, a p r i l 2, 9 a.m. www.brown.edu/lottery

www.browndailyherald.com

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SUNDAY, APRIL 1, 2007

THE BROWN DAILY HERALD

PAGE 9

M. rugby struggles in Bermuda, loses three games, four players

Wal-Mart to open on Thayer, students stage “starve-in” in protest

continued from page 12 about this transgression by the authorities, he replied “America, (expletive) yeah!” Both players are being held in a Bermudian cell indefinitely. The final loss was winger Josh Lehman ’09. Previously believed to be a gentle soul, it appears that the toughness of rugby has hardened him into a fighter. Armed with his new attitude and his newly acquired cultural mask, Lehman decided to test

the waters of the Bermuda Wrestling Federation. He will be staying behind in the Caribbean to pursue his lifelong dream. Standing a stout 5-feet 10inches tall, and weighing in at 91 pounds and 3 ounces, Lehman hoped to hone his technique to add to his tremendous raw talent. He took copious notes as his coach, forward Han-Hui Ling ’09, dismantled Flaherty in an impromptu final rumble. Captain Rob Neville ’08 was disappointed with the loss of

Lehman. “We are really going to miss Josh’s toughness,” said Neville. “A lot of the teams we played here were bigger than us and Josh was a solid anchor for our team physically. May God have mercy on those poor Bermudian wrestlers.” On top of the losses in personnel, the team suffered defeats at the hands of three Bermuda rugby teams. The team hopes to shake off the losses in time for the Ivy League Tournament in two weeks.

M. hoops’ Gruber ’10 declares for NBA draft continued from page 12 across the country have raved about his skills, and one called him “a young Steve Nash.” Gruber’s highest praise has come from none other than ESPN college basketball analyst and resident blowhard, Dick Vitale. “He’s a true diaper dandy!” said Dickie V. “He knows how to handle, pass, and shoot the rock. He’s just awesome baby!!” Gruber hails from Milwaukee, Wisc., where he shone in four years of play for Whitefish Bay High School. This season, Gruber averaged just 9.3 minutes and 1.2 points per

game, but his astounding vertical leap makes him a surefire draft pick. Gruber plans to work on his windmill and reverse dunks to improve his stock come draft day. “I’m looking to dominate the slam dunk contest my rookie season. Nate Robinson ain’t got nothin’ on me,” Gruber said. Gruber will enter a draft projected to be one of the deepest in years. Chad Ford, a senior writer for ESPN.com, projects that Gruber will be picked in the late first or early second round. Ford cited his “tremendous upside potential,” and mentioned that because he was a relative unknown, incompetent NBA general managers would

be highly likely to gamble a pick on him. One possible destination for Gruber is Boston. The Celtics hope to pick Greg Oden of Ohio State or Kevin Durant of Texas at the top of the draft but could be looking Grube’s direction after the miserable failure of recent highly selected point guards Rajon Rondo and Delonte West. Gruber is hoping to be selected by his hometown Milwaukee Bucks and team with Earl Boykins to form the smallest but scrappiest backcourt in the NBA. It would also allow him to continue his favorite pastime — ice fishing — year-round.

Denied chance to contend for title, Ivy champ Penn wonders what might have been continued from page 12 will be especially difficult for me because I think we match up extremely well against a team like Florida,” said Zoller, blissfully ignorant of the fact that Florida boasts at least three future NBA stars whose athleticism would make them virtually impossible for any of Penn’s much slower players to guard. “They may be flashy, but I don’t think they’ve seen a half-court trap like ours before.” But despite the disappoint-

ment of this season’s missed opportunity, Miller and his players believe the future of the program is bright. Though Penn draws on a much smaller pool of talent than the vast majority of NCAA Division I programs due to substantially higher admission standards and rules prohibiting athletic scholarships, Miller said he is confident his team will be a national title contender in future years as well. “With the exception of three of our four best players, the nucleus of this team is going to be

returning next year. I guarantee you these guys will be playing with a chip on their shoulder after missing out on their opportunity to challenge Florida for a national championship,” Miller said. He added that he is actively recruiting a woefully small group of fairly decent high school players who have the academic credentials to gain admission to Penn, despite the fact that they will almost certainly opt for full scholarships at schools with substantially more successful basketball programs.

www.browndailyherald.com

BY WALTER MATHOW METRO STAFF WRITER

Wal-Mart will open its 10th Rhode Island location on Thayer Street this June. The Providence Zoning Board Friday approved tearing down the historic Avon Theater to make way for the discount department store amid widespread outrage from students and College Hill residents. Chris Watson, a spokesperson for Wal-Mart, said the company would begin destruction of the Avon within the week. “We think Wal-Mart will add to the already rich diversity of consumer experiences on Thayer Street,” said zoning board chair Roger Dorn. “It’s nice to have funky, unique places like Johnny Rockets and Dunkin’ Donuts, but sometimes you have to switch things up a little with a good, old-fashioned chain department store.” But Lou Brown, president of the College Hill Neighborhood Association, criticized the board’s decision to aid the growing commercialization of Thayer. “I thought Supercuts coming to Thayer was the apocalypse. But this — this is worse than the end of the world,” Brown said. But Brown said he doesn’t think there’s much College Hill residents can do to stop Wal-Mart. ““The CHNA is a very powerful, respected voice in Providence, but even we can’t counter the national clout of Wal-Mart,” he said. Still, he hopes that the store will close down because of lack of business. “Who’s going to shop there any-

way? People on College Hill are either rich white guys or spoiled, supposedly liberal Brown students,” he said. “We don’t need to save 50 cents on a pack of Rice-a-Roni.” Brown students are taking a more aggressive stance on the issue. After learning of the zoning board’s approval, members of Students for a Democratic Society and the Student Labor Alliance staged a “starve-in” at the Wal-Mart Supercenter in Westerly. Students accosted Wal-Mart employees as they finished their shifts, threw them in makeshift cages in front of the store and refused to give them food or water. “We were trying to show customers what Wal-Mart does to its employees,” said SLA member Lyn Wells ’09. “Unfortunately, the employees didn’t appreciate our efforts. I think Wal-Mart has brainwashed them.” Trapped employees began shouting for help as soon as they were forced into the cages, Wells said. After attempts to explain their mission failed to assuage employees, students released them. Wells said SDS and SLA had considered staging a “die-in” but couldn’t find any raspberry jam. Some Brown students, however, are just worried about losing a favorite movie theater. “I’ve heard Wal-Mart actually treats its employees with respect and serves as a model of success for smaller businesses,” said Harry Doyle ’08. “But I don’t want to have to walk all the way to Cable Car or Providence Place to catch a movie.”

E DITORIAL & L ETTERS THE BROWN DAILY HERALD

PAGE 10

SUNDAY, APRIL 1, 2007

STAF F EDITORIAL

A call for

.

It’s time administrators in University Hall responded to students’ pressing need for . For too long, Brunonians have tolerated lackluster and a makeshift well below the standards of our peer institutions. The Plan for Academic Enrichment called for a boost to , but such piecemeal solutions are not enough to stem the tide of . A February report by the Ad Hoc Committee for Careful and Considered Change to the Existing Policies found that over 90 percent of undergraduates think that in time the University’s will . Furthermore, the Undergraduate Council of Students, in its recent poll, found that all basic science concentrators have a profound , that humanities students feel and that social science RUDOLPH GREEN concentrators sense a distinct . Clearly, the current situation is untenable. What will it take for ETTERS officials in University Hall to ? We approve of the efforts thus far to gradually in the hopes that by May 2008 all To the Editor: would be forever . Yet at this junc- To the Editor: ture, it appears too few have developed into I have an incredibly strong opinion about Israel. In fact, It has recently come to my attention that my name has I think it is the most important issue in the world to- been improperly invoked by many professors and stualternatives for the current . day. Best of all, my opinion involves a sweeping gener- dents at your esteemed University. Contrary to what This page has called for consistent, measured alization on an entire group of people! My firm stance has been repeatedly stated, I do in fact enjoy being ob___________, but it seems the students must now set on Israel is largely a product of my heritage, upbring- jectified, subjugated, and demonized. I hereby request _________ aside their _ and make their ing and faith, and it will not be shaken regardless of that you cease and desist spreading such libelous lies how many people try to reason with me or dare prove about my character, and let heterosexual, Christian, known. Once again, we strongly urge to con- me wrong. I just feel like saying this opinion anyway European males go back to doing what they do best. sider and outline a concrete for change. For in an endlessly unconstructive debate that usually de- Thanks. it’s not simply our that landed each of us volves into name-calling. And, I enjoy doing this every day! Sometimes I enjoy doing it in caps-lock on the The Other on College Hill. It’s the we care Internet, too. I’m one of those awful people that posts April 1 about, the of what it means to be a really horrible things anonymously on the Jolt about your mom, too. Fear my rage, bitch! Brown student.

L

Israel garners attention

The Other speaks up

Gillis just checking

Jewy McIslam ’10 April 1 To the Editor:

Hyphy critiques ghostRIDE To the Editor:

T HE B ROWN D AILY H ERALD Editors-in-Chief Eric Beck Mary-Catherine Lader

Executive Editors Allison Kwong Ben Leubsdorf

Senior Editors Stephen Colelli Sonia Saraiya BUSINESS

EDITORIAL Lydia Gidwitz Lindsey Meyers Stephanie Bernhard Stu Woo Simmi Aujla Sara Molinaro Ross Frazier Jacob Schuman Michal Zapendowski Peter Cipparone Justin Goldman Sarah Demers Erin Frauenhofer Madeleine Marecki

Arts & Culture Editor Arts & Culture Editor Features Editor Features Editor Metro Editor Metro Editor News Editor Opinions Editor Opinions Editor Sports Editor Sports Editor Asst. Sports Editor Asst. Sports Editor Asst. Sports Editor

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Look, Ruth can ghostride all she wants, but she ain’t never gonna ride like hyphy. Though that sh*t was pretty sweet.

I have a letter to the editor today, and I want to make sure it’s being published. John Gillis ’07 President Undergraduate Council of Students April 1

Hyphy April 1

CLARIFICATION A March 23 press release from the Swearer Center for Public Service announcing that Zachary Townsend ’09 has been awarded a 2007 Arthur Liman Undergraduate Summer Fellowship incorrectly stated that Townsend is a member of The Herald’s editorial staff. In fact, Townsend is a former Herald Opinions columnist.

CORRECTION Just kidding! Our job is accurately covering the Brown community. Except on April Fool’s Day. CORRECTIONS POLICY The Brown Daily Herald is committed to providing the Brown University community with the most accurate information possible. Corrections may be submitted up to seven calendar days after publication. COMMENTAR Y POLICY The staff editorial is the majority opinion of the editorial board of The Brown Daily Herald. The editorial viewpoint does not necessarily reflect the views of The Brown Daily Herald, Inc. Columns, letters and comics reflect the opinions of their authors only. LETTERS TO THE EDITOR POLICY Send letters to letters@browndailyherald.com. Include a telephone number with all letters. The Herald reserves the right to edit all letters for length and cannot assure the publication of any letter. Please limit letters to 250 words. Under special circumstances writers may request anonymity, but no letter will be printed if the author’s identity is unknown to the editors. Announcements of events will not be printed. ADVER TISING POLICY The Brown Daily Herald, Inc. reserves the right to accept or decline any advertisement at its discretion.

S ENTENTIAE SUNDAY, APRIL 1, 2007

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THE BROWN DAILY HERALD

It’s not you. It’s your bracket. ERIC BARTMAN GUEST COLUMNIST

Look, let’s get this straight. I have nothing against a girl like you on principle. While you are by no means attractive, my standards are adequately low. But there’s no way in hell I’d go near a girl who picked Southern Illinois to go to the Final Four. When you asked me to go to WaterFire with you sometime — lame though it is — I thought I’d wait to see how the Sweet Sixteen games turned out before I texted you back. I was even leaning toward saying yes. But Vandy over Georgetown? You’ve got to be freaking kidding me. I might even have been able to forgive that embarrassing whiff if it weren’t for the rest of your picks. I once dated a girl who picked the entire Elite Eight right. You expect me to go for a girl who had Pitt in the championship? As I flipped on the Midwest regional semi, I admit I pulled up your bracket on Facebook again to see if there was any way you could recover from what was so far a total train wreck — not that the competition was stiff in the “Grey’s Crew Girls” pool. Perhaps you could hit a meatball like Florida over Butler or Oregon over UNLV. Little did I suspect your regional final would be Mar yland and Wisconsin. Gee, tough for one of those guys to win when they’re not even in the freaking tournament any-

more, isn’t it? And Mar yland? I’m sure they appreciated your support, but I’m pretty sure even they knew the days of Juan Dixon — that’s five years ago — are gone. I won’t even go into your brilliant call of UNC getting knocked off by Arkansas. But next time you think about call-

the way to the Final Four? I haven’t seen so little respect for UCLA since that guy got Tased by the campus police. Look, a guy’s gotta have standards. I can forgive a few first round missteps, or even an ugly Final Four. It happens to all of us. But your bracket sucked in a big way. It’s like you paid no attention

Look, a guy’s gotta have standards. I can forgive a few first-round missteps, or even an ugly Final Four. But your bracket sucked in a big way. It’s like you paid no attention to such crucial events like the Pac-10 championship or the ACC tournament. ing a 12 over a 1, make sure it isn’t a middle-of-the-pack SEC squad over Tyler Hansbrough and the Tar Heels. Oh, and it might have helped if the Razorbacks, I don’t know, made it out of the first freaking round. It wasn’t even just your upsets that were outrageous, either. No, other times you stuck with the higher seeds, and look what that got you. Kansas all

to such crucial events like the Pac-10 championship or the ACC tournament. So am I interested in going out with you? Considering your overall Facebook rank, there are about 1,877,309 reasons I can do better.

Eric Bartman has five hundred on Ohio State tonight.

Fountain BY R. MUTT GUEST COLUMNIST Toilet. Toilet toilet toilet toilet? Toilet toilet toilet toilet toilet toilet toilet. Toilet toilet toilet toilet toilet toilet toilet toilet, toilet toilet toilet toilet toilet toilet toilet toilet. Toilet toilet. Toilet toilet toilet toilet toilet. Toilet toilet. Toilet toilet toilet toilet toilet toilet toilet toilet toilet toilet toilet toilet toilet toilet, toilet toilet toilet toilet toilet toilet toilet toilet toilet toilet toilet toilet toilet! Toilet toilet toilet toilet toilet; toilet toilet toilet toilet toilet toilet toilet toilet toilet toilet toilet toilet toilet toilet toilet toilet toilet toilet toilet toilet toilet toilet toilet toilet toilet toilet toilet toilet toilet toilet toilet toilet — toilet toilet toilet toilet toilet toilet Toilet toilet. Toilet toilet toilet toilet toilet toilet toilet toilet toilet toilet toilet toilet toilet toilet toilet toilet toilet toilet, toilet toilet toilet toilet toilet toilet toilet toilet toilet toilet toilet toilet toilet toilet toilet toilet toilet toilet toilet toilet. Toilet toilet toilet toilet toilet toilet toilet toilet toilet toilet toilet toilet toilet. Toilet toilet toilet toilet toilet; toilet toilet toilet toilet toilet toilet toilet toilet toilet toilet toilet toilet toilet toilet toilet toilet — toilet toilet toilet toilet toilet toilet Toilet toilet. Toilet toilet toilet toilet toilet toilet toilet toilet toilet toilet toilet toilet toilet toilet toilet toilet toilet toilet toilet toilet. Toilet toilet toilet toilet toilet; toilet toilet toilet toilet toilet toilet toilet toilet toilet toilet toilet toilet toilet toilet toilet toilet toilet toilet toilet toilet toilet toilet toilet toilet toilet toilet toilet toilet toilet — toilet toilet toilet toilet toilet toilet Toilet!

A call for Rhode Island’s secession BY LINKIN CHAFFEE GUEST COLUMNIST

My fellow Rhode Islanders, I have bad news to report. I know many of you have never ventured outside the borders of our small but self-reliant state. Many things outside our small territory, my friends, have taken a turn toward the worse. Our country is governed by a man whose sole name is a single initial, a scarlet letter W, which burns with shame upon our land. When my family first left the Whigs to join the Republican Party, we did so out of a desire to fight the evils of slavery and, indeed, the evils of the American South in general. Since that time, I am sad to report that the Republican Party has become the party of the Deepest South. It no longer represents the bright beacon of civilized progress, but the darkest recesses of drawling reaction. Apparently, the Democratic Party has been hounded out of the fertile plains of the cotton country and taken refuge among the rocky crags of the North and New England that we call home. Some recently have begun questioning whether perhaps we Chaffees had become “Republican in name only.” I faced the question, during my last senatorial campaign, of whether I should become an “independent,” taking the Chaffee family name in a direction that had never before been contemplated. My fellow Rhode Islanders, I have given much thought to this issue of independence, much of it spent under the gaze of the fur-

rowed brows of my senatorial ancestors, whose likenesses hang in an imposing row inside my bedroom. I have come to the conclusion that it is not enough for us Chaffees to become independent. Nay — if we Chaffees are to turn independent, the state of Rhode Island must come with us. Few of you may remember this, but we Chaffees were there with Roger Williams

It is not surprising, then, that the leaders of our small state did not agree to accept the document. It was not until a militia — ironically led by a man named George Felix Grimwold Bush — was dispatched by the so-called “federal government” to our state that our representatives were “convinced” to sign on to the Constitution. Since its inception, the state of Rhode Island has represented a certain indepen-

Our state’s greatest weakness — its small size — could also be its greatest advantage. So long as we did not post any signs on the interstate, I believe that our fellow Americans would not notice that we had seceded. when he first founded this bright state, fleeing the persecution and bigotry of the Puritan Bay Colony of Massachusetts. And when the United States of America was first founded, the representatives of our state, the first Senator Chaffee among them, decided not to send a delegation to the 1787 Constitutional Convention. The new “Constitution” proposed by this council was clearly weighted toward the interests of the larger states.

dence of spirit. Given that our small state had been coerced into joining an imperfect Union, would it then be so illegitimate for us to leave it? Would we be crushed by the superior military forces of our bordering states? Unlikely, for our state’s greatest weakness — its small size — could also be its greatest advantage. So long as we did not post any signs on the interstate, I believe that our

fellow Americans would not notice that we had seceded. They would not notice until it was too late to intervene, for our supposed “crime” of secession would expire under a statute of limitations. Were Rhode Island to successfully become its own republic, we would have all the resources necessary for our own survival. Under the internationally accepted provisions governing international waters, Rhode Island’s territorial water would extend like a glorious arc into the Atlantic, providing our nation with abundant fish and Quahogs to feed our population. There is no reason to believe that we would be any less successful economically than other civilized island states, such as the Republic of Iceland, which, with its abundant fishing resources, ranks second on the Human Development Index. No longer fettered by our allegiance to an imperfect Union, we could enact all the enlightened policies against which we have been fettered by the ignorance of our countrymen. Our president would be no drawling ignoramus from the Texas territory, but a fellow Rhode Islander just like ourselves. It is for these reasons then, my friends and fellow Rhode Islanders, that today I am announcing not just that I am becoming an “independent,” nay, but that I am becoming a member of the Rhode Island Independence Party. And there is no better way to make this announcement than in the pages of The Herald of Brown University, this hallowed institution, founded upon the principles of academic independence, which I am proud to once again call my home.

Lincoln Chafee ’75 had nothing to do with this article.

D EPORTES L UNES SUNDAY, APRIL 1, 2007

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THE BROWN DAILY HERALD

Obama drops out of presidential Ivy champ Penn wonders race to take over Princeton hoops what might have been BY STEPHEN SMITH BRACKET EXPERT

BY DANIEL KAFFEE POLITICAL CORRESPONDENT IN TRAINING

In a stunning move, Sen. Barack Obama, D-Ill., has announced he is withdrawing from the 2008 presidential race to take over as the head coach of Princeton University’s men’s basketball team. In a hastily arranged press conference, Obama cited the opportunity to compete against his brotherin-law, Brown Head Coach Craig Robinson, in the Ivy League. “It has always been a dream of mine to be elected to the presidency, but my secret first love has always been basketball,” Obama said. “When I first began dating his sister Michelle, Craig challenged me to a game of one-onone. Even though he was this big star at Princeton back in the day, I was beating him 10-9. But he banked in a two-pointer and then, even though we had explicitly agreed to the ‘win by two’ rule, Craig took his ball and went home. Let’s just say, I have never forgotten about that game.” Obama has no prior experience coaching basketball, and it is unclear if he ever played organized basketball beyond grade school. But his political savvy and likeability should bode well when negotiating with referees during games, and his name recognition will carry over to recruiting. Princeton’s decision to hire a political figure is almost unheard of in major college athletics. On the other hand, Obama cannot work out much worse than the Tigers’ last hire, Joe Scott. Inheriting an Ivy League Championship team in the fall of 2004, Scott led the Tigers to a 38-45 record over his three years, setting numerous records for ineptitude along the way. Scott’s 2004-2005 and 2006-

Cicca Fant / Herald File Photo

Residential hopeful Obama has tossed his Harvard degree aside in taking over the Princeton men’s basketball team.

2007 teams are the only two in Princeton’s history to finish the Ivy season with losing marks. The 2005-2006 team managed to lose to Carnegie Mellon University — a Division III school — and tied the record for fewest points in the three-point era, pouring in 21 against Monmouth University. This year’s squad finished last in the Ancient Eight with a 2-12 mark. Despite the challenges he faces in turning the program around and his limited knowledge of the game, Obama expressed confidence that he could restore the luster to the once-proud program. “Hey, I’m in politics,” he said. “I know a thing or two about winning without knowing a whole lot about all the issues. I don’t think any players are going to catch me by surprise with any questions either. I mean it’s not like they’re from the (New York) Times. Did you see my speech at the convention?”

M. rugby struggles in Bermuda, loses three games, four players BY NIGEL GRUFF SPORTS STAFF WRITER

BERMUDA — The men’s rugby team had a rough spring break last week, as its tour of Bermuda left it with three losses and four players who won’t be returning to Providence for various reasons. At this time, Director of Athletics Michael Goldberger is reviewing the team’s behavior and may revoke its status as a club team. Trouble started early in the trip as the team tried to adjust to Bermudian cultural differences. Despite numerous warnings from native Bermudians about the law against taking one’s shirt off in public, Tom Flaherty ’08 proceeded to don his gorgeous green Borat-style man-thong at the beach. Though many were outraged about the outlandish attire, Flaherty escaped from two large women trying to make a citizen’s arrest on him, shouting things in an undecipherable accent. He was last seen running through the tropical jungles yelling, “Mate, mate!” Though Flaherty attracted an unprecedented amount of at-

tention, Win Bennett ’09 was not about to allow Flaherty to steal his thunder. Bennett was arrested on the street one night while wearing just a shoelace around his waist. Bennett’s roommates on the trip, Jeff Boyd ’10, Hao Li ’10 and Sam Rabb ’10 refused to comment on the experience. All three will seek professional help for what is being initially diagnosed as posttraumatic stress disorder. Forward Matt Bubley ’09, however, was not able to repress his memory. Before his arrest, Bennett jumped out of Bubley’s birthday cake wearing just a rainbow belt around his shoulder. “(Bennett) really loves to express himself,” Bubley said. “I expected someone a little different to come out of the cake, but I guess that was the next best thing.” In addition to Bennett’s indecent exposure charges, forward Marco Steinsieck ’08 is also being held for reckless driving. He was found driving his moped on the right side of the road, which is the wrong side. When questioned continued on page 9

Robinson was unfazed by Obama’s entrance into the Ivy race. The Bears went 6-8 in the conference in Robinson’s first season at the helm, defeating Princeton twice. Despite being hired only last summer and having limited opportunities to work with his team prior to the beginning of the season in October, Robinson was able to take a young team and keep it competitive throughout the year. “Tell him to bring it on,” Robinson said. “I can tell you right now, he just lost his invite to Thanksgiving dinner, that’s for sure. He’ll be sorry when he’s missing out on my world-famous mashed potatoes.” Obama’s hiring heats up the Princeton-Brown rivalry in the Ivy League, but it puts the Hillary Clinton-Obama political rivalry on hold for now. Clinton’s only comment on Obama’s decision to withdraw from the race was “I wish him luck, but he’ll never beat Wellesley.”

When Florida and Ohio State take the court tonight in Atlanta to vie for the NCAA men’s basketball championship, the University of Pennsylvania — the 2007 Ivy League champions — will be hundreds of miles away, watching the game on television. Could things have been different? The Quakers think so. “We had Texas A&M right where we wanted them,” said Head Coach Glen Miller, referring to the Quakers’ first-round NCAA tournament game. “If we could have held on in that game, we would have been just four major upsets from reaching the national championship game.” The 14th-seeded Quakers had their largest lead of the game — two points — with just 11 minutes to play against a significantly bigger, faster and more talented Texas A&M team but predictably faltered down the stretch, losing by a final score of 68-52. “If (Texas A&M’s All-American point guard Acie) Law (IV) had suffered some sort of freak injury, and our own mediocre players had played significantly beyond their demonstrated ability, we feel like we would have had a really good shot at winning that game,” said Miller, who left his position as Brown’s head coach last year for the chance to chase a national championship at Penn. “It’s just a shame things didn’t break our way.” Had Penn managed to upset Texas A&M, a three-seed that many experts had picked to reach the Final Four, the only teams standing between it and a shot at the national championship would have been a series of significantly more talented squads that managed better records playing

against much stronger opposition in conferences vastly more competitive than the Ivy League. “Our guys thrive under pressure, and we would have loved the chance to show what we could do with the national championship on the line,” said Penn forward Mark Zoller, who, despite being the Quakers’ best player, would be unlikely to ever leave the bench for either of the teams taking the court in the championship game. Defeating Texas A&M would have given his team the momentum boost necessary to reach, at the very least, the Final Four, Miller and his players say. The Quakers’ road to the Final Four would have led through Louisville and legendary head coach Rick Pitino and Ohio State’s dominating center Greg Oden, the likely first pick in the next NBA draft. “We feel like with our defensive intensity and intelligent, team-first brand of basketball, we can match up with any team in the country on any given night,” said 6-foot 8inch forward Steve Danley. As the Quakers’ tallest regular contributor, Danley is a full half-foot shorter than Georgetown center Roy Hibbert, who would have manhandled Penn’s interior defense if the two teams met in a national semifinal match-up. “We play with a lot of heart,” Danley added. Had Penn succeeded in becoming the lowest-seeded team ever to reach the national championship game, they would have faced a Gators squad that returned all five starters from its national championship team of a year ago, which decimated UCLA — also vastly superior to the Quakers in virtually every facet of the game — in the national semifinals. “Watching the game tonight continued on page 9

M. hoops’ Gruber ’10 declares for NBA draft BY BUTCH MCRAE SPORTS STAFF WRITER

Over his first season of collegiate play, the men’s basketball team’s back-up point guard Steve Gruber ’10 set himself apart with his scrappy play, glove-like defense and pinpoint shooting. But after one season on College Hill, the Bears’ guard, generously listed at 5-foot, 11-inches, is ready to hit the big time. On Sunday, Gruber declared himself eligible for the NBA Draft on June 28. In a press conference in the back hallway of the Pizzitola Center, “Grube” said he would sign with an agent, thus forfeiting his remaining three years of college eligibility. “I’ve accomplished everything I can, so it’s time to take it to the next level,” Gruber said. “Who needs school when you can make millions?” Gruber said he would’ve gone to the NBA straight from high school, but a recent rule change requires NBA draft entrants to be at least 19 years old. But Gruber said he didn’t mind getting his “crib, Benz, and plasma” a year late. College basketball analysts continued on page 9

Tommy McCaskill / Herald File Photo Steve Gruber ’10 has made himself eligible for the 2007 NBA draft.