T U E S D A Y APRIL 2, 2002
THE BROWN DAILY HERALD Volume CXXXVII, No. 41
An independent newspaper serving the Brown community since 1066
www.browndailyherald.com
FBI conducts night time raid on ISO, NAVA,YCL, arrests 25 students BY JOHN DOH
Late last night, slumbering students awoke to the sounds of thudding helicopter blades, squealing tires and semi-automatic weapons fire as a squad of over 100 FBI agents converged on Brown University. In a massive operation, twenty-five students — all members of the International Socialists Organization, the anti-war group Not Another Victim Anywhere and the Young Communists League — were arrested and detained by the FBI in undisclosed locations. Muffy Jones, a spokesperson for the FBI, said the arrests were intended to make an example of Brown. “This is not the beginning of a widespread trend. We just wanted to send a clear, unambiguous message to all the leftist whackos at your school,” he said. “We will never let them intimidate real Americans into questioning our great nation.” When asked with what crimes the students were charged and when they would be brought to trial, she declined comment. Members of West House said that Dmitri Seals ’02 was cuddling with his life-sized blowup doll of Karl Marx when FBI agents entered his room and ordered him to surrender. Seals gave himself up peacefully. As he was handcuffed and led out the door, he was overheard telling the agents, “You don’t have to live in a world of hate. Just give yourself up to love and you’ll be so much happier.” Shaun Joseph ’02 and Brian Rainey ’04 were far more combative. Barricading themselves inside Hope College, the pair sealed off the entrances and began shooting BBs at the agents who surrounded see RAID, page 7
OSL releases new, more stringent sex regulations BY TIM HENRY
The Office of Student Life has created new regulations making it more difficult for students to engage in sexual intercourse on campus. Dean for Campus Life Margaret Jablonski announced the new regulations in a campus-wide email Monday. Jablonski said under the new intercourse rules, sex would be allowed on campus only if those engaging in sexual intercourse wear wristbands. Those students charging for sex must now charge per orgasm rather than a flat cover charge, she said. The addition of rules regarding sexual intercourse to the Student Handbook comes after what Jablonski described as “compelling life safety and health reasons to not allow sexual intercourse on college campuses.” Intercourse Authorization Wristbands will be available 24 hours a day at locations across campus including Health Services, Faunce House and Barus and Holley, said Director of Student Activities David Inman. Students expressed rage over the new sex policy and questioned how the Office of Student Life plans to enforce the new regulations. “How does the University plan to monitor what goes on in my bedroom? Are they going to install hidden cameras?” said Phil Maher ’03. “How would Dean Jablonski like it if I made her and her partner of choice go get a wristband before they got it on?” “I’m really worried about the future of social events at Brown,” said Anna Stern ’04, chair of the UCS see SEX, page 7
Compliments of Laura Fried
Camera footage shows that President Ruth Simmons held a secret meeting with U.S. Sen. Tom Daschle to discuss her potential candidacy for the presidency.
SIMMONS CONSIDERING PRESIDENTIAL RUN IN 2004 BY ALVIN GORESTEIN
President Simmons will meet with Senate Majority Leader Tom Daschle, D - S.D., this week to discuss a bid for the presidency in 2004, according to top Democratic party officials. Executive assistant to the President David Greene said, to the best of his knowledge, Simmons is not considering running for political office. “President Simmons was in Washington this weekend, but I believe it was for fundraising purposes,” he said. “She’s certainly never discussed politics with me,” Greene added. In an exclusive interview with The Herald, Daschle refused to confirm that he had met with Simmons, but said she would be “a very compelling candidate” in the 2004 Democratic primaries. “Ruth would not only be the first black, female presidential candidate, but also the first child of Texas sharecroppers to run for the office,” he said. “And that’s heartwarming.” Daschle said if Simmons were to enter the Democratic primary, he would be inclined to endorse her candidacy. “I don’t know where Grapeland, Texas is,” he said, “but I like the sound of it.” President Simmons did not comment on her political
prospects in a statement released to The Herald yesterday evening, but she did question her commitment to academia. “In an age when the core purpose of education is often lost in a miasma of competition and crass assessment and where the raw experience of confronting great and enduring ideas grows rare, academia may be a total waste of my considerable talents,” she wrote. Chancellor Stephen Robert said that the Corporation would expect Simmons’ resignation within the next year if she chooses to pursue the Democratic nomination. Robert pointed out that she would become the first black woman to leave an Ivy League presidency, an event he characterized as “a historic and momentous occasion not only for Brown but for the entire Ivy League.” Although Simmons has not announced her candidacy, Darrell West, professor of public policy and political science and director of the A. Alfred Taubman Center for Public Policy, said he has already conducted a poll. Should she pursue the Democratic nomination in 2004, Simmons will benefit from a wide range of supporters, West said. Although she is most familiar to the academic community, she also enjoys an enthusiastic following among elderly absentee voters in the Netherlands, he added.
Reaves solves Math Box puzzle, releases detailed answer in confidential report BY GREG COOPER
In a confidential report, Executive Vice President for Administration and Finance Donald Reaves on Monday released his solutions to the “Math Box” puzzles, which appear weekly on page two of The Herald. The report provides detailed answers to all math boxes, examines current campus math box solution statistics and provides two solutions for solving math boxes, according to administrators and student leaders who read the report. The report was written by Reaves and issued to President Simmons, leaders of the Undergraduate Council of Students, the Graduate Student Council, Medical Student Senate, the Faculty Executive Committee and the Mathematics Departmental Undergraduate Group, said Laura Freid, executive vice president for public affairs and University relations. “They’ve been asked to use (the report) as a basis for their conversations on mathematics and the ‘Math Box’ in particular,” Freid said. “The president would like this to go to the appropriate representative bodies and she would like it to inform conversation.” The student leaders who received copies of the report said the document was marked “confidential” and they were instructed not to share its contents with their constituencies.
Tali Wenger / Herald
Donald Reaves presented the solution to the Math Box in a closed door meeting to UCS. President Simmons fell asleep during the presentation. Freid said there is nothing in the report that is “particularly controversial.”
I N S I D E T U E S D AY, A P R I L 2 , 2 0 0 2 Dave Matthews Band to headline Spring Weekend in response to student protests page 3
Herald Edit Board defeats Herald Sports Staff in NCAA tourney pool page 5
see MATH BOX, page 7
TO D AY ’ S F O R E C A S T Residential Life finally solves housing shortage. Ari Adland ’04 speaks his mind page 6
Hear what your white male classmates have to say about the world. Again. columns,page15
Title IX reversed. Maggie Haskins, W. Volleyball, W. Hockey are first cuts page 16
nothing good high 53 low 20
THE BROWN DAILY HERALD
THIS MORNING TUESDAY, APRIL 2, 2002 · PAGE 2 Ted’s World Nate Pollard
W E AT H E R TODAY
FRIDAY
SATURDAY
SUNDAY
High 53 Low 20 bad
High 33 Low 19 crappy
High 37 Low 26 horrible
High 36 Low 24 even worse
GRAPHICS BY JESUS Q. CHRIST
!@#$ HAPPENS Grace Farris
CALENDAR HOG RACES — Will’s firend Eric Brazer will hallucinate having to go to a hog race at 11 a.m. COCK FIGHT — Herald editors Seth and Dave will play swords in the BDH bathroom, noon. SEMINAR — “Post-modern post-modernism — What the fuck is it?” Adam Meyerson, Stanford University. CIT Lubrano, noon. LECTURE — “The MCM Deptartment — Completely wothless or just a waste of time?” Lenny Tenson, MCM professor, Watson Institute 353, noon. BOWEL MOVEMENT — Hosted by the Undergraduate Council of Students, University Hall Bathroom, 2 p.m.
Nigel and Beatrice Paul Morris
ORGY — First annual all Brown orgy, Main Green, 3 p.m. PROTEST — Local 14-year-olds to protest Justin dumping Britney, Store 24, 4 p.m. RACIAL PROFILING — BUPS officers will be on hand, back entrance to Faunce, 4 p.m. THEATER — “Brown Drama Dorks Mutually Masturbate,” by Brian Healy. McCormack Family Theater, 8 p.m. DRINKING — Bored undergrads will get drunk, everywhere, 8 p.m. PROTEST — “We’re not gonna protest” Protest led by The Pit, Main Green, 8 p.m. FIGURE SKATING — Sheryl Shapiro will be the only who cares, does it make a difference where it is? Does it make a difference when it is?
Pornucopia Grace Ferris
CROSSWORD ACROSS 2 Winchester, for 32 Smack 48 Break the spirit 1 Salad green one 33 Will’s designee of 6 Dewy-eyed one 49 Revolutionary 3 Small and 34 “Go back,” in 10 It’s 90 feet from sprightly word processing pamphleteer third 4 Rested one’s 35 Hit hard 50 Ignore the limit 14 Purplish color legs 38 Patrolman’s 51 Dirty money 15 Singer 5 Drags with effort wheels 52 Buffalo’s lake Fitzgerald 6 Small 42 Muslim 53 Frost relative 16 From the salamanders 44 Sound of 54 New Testament beginning 7 Word of woe surprise book 17 Crazy 8 Under the 45 Fountain order 58 Lennon’s widow 19 Sly strategem weather 47 Raises 59 Santa __, CA 20 2001 film about 9 Hunter with a ANSWER TO PREVIOUS PUZZLE: a boxer hawk 21 Allows 10 Crazy B U M P O N I N D O N O R 22 Augustus 11 Burden E N O L B A N E E L I D E succeeded him 12 Typical Hopi O C H S M E L D S N I T E 24 Hound hotels village site E M T J O H N B E L U S H I 26 Archaeologist’s 13 Big pitcher M I A B R A I N S U M find 18 Slithery M I C H A E L C A I N E 27 Photo-__ swimmers 28 Kingdom 23 Anti-smoking I O N D I V O T A P B 32 Avoids like the org. P A S T E U R V O L T A G E plague 25 Crazy S A L R T E I L I A D 35 Word after water 26 1969 Hitchcock V I N C E N T P R I C E or wind film C D T C A L O X I D E 36 Burn remedy 28 ’60s garb M O V I E H O U S E S R E S 37 Camera 29 Coagulate E C R U L A B S I C I L Y attachment 30 Reformer Julia R E M S T A R E N A D E R 38 Sub apparatus Ward __ 39 Nebraska 31 Planetary G R E T A N D A K S C A N neighbor revolution 03/05/02 xwordeditor@aol.com 40 Gofer 41 Student’s Stumped? Call 1-900-933-5155. 99 cents a minute surprise 1 1 2 2 33 44 5 66 77 88 9 10 11 12 13 5 9 10 11 12 13 42 Bury 43 You and me 1414 15 16 15 16 45 Santa Fe-to1717 1818 19 19 Roswell dir. 46 __ roe 2020 2121 22 22 23 47 Robberies 51 “...and that’s 2324 24 25 26 27 25 26 final!” 27 29 28 29 30 31 28 30 31 32 33 34 54 Verdi heroine 55 Doze 32 33 34 35 35 36 36 37 56 Guitarist Clapton 38 39 3837 39 40 41 42 57 Crazy 60 Capital south of 4340 41 44 42 Quito 45 4644 47 48 49 50 51 61 Chip in a chip 4543 62 Foolish 46 53 47 48 49 50 52 54 55 56 63 Believe 64 Supreme 51 52 5753 58 54 60 55 59 61 leader? 56 57 58 59 65 Like wicker 62 63 64 65 chairs DOWN 1 Cape
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By Lynn Lempel (c)2002 Tribune Media Services, Inc.
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Nigel and Beatrice, Part II Paul Morris
MENUS LUNCH — Shoe soup
THE RATTY
THE V-DUB LUNCH — Crap on a plate
DINNER — see above
DINNER — Something that tastes good ... April Fools
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03/05/02
THE BROWN DAILY HERALD
CAMPUS NEWS TUESDAY, APRIL 2, 2002 · PAGE 3
Clerical mixup has Brown Police armed, with water BY MR. POTATO HEAD
Courtesy DMBsucks.com
DMB used to play a song about not selling out, but they stopped playing it in 1995.
DMB to play Spring Weekend BY ROLLY FINGERS
Reacting to mounting student pressure, Brown Concert Agency announced on Monday a revised schedule of musical acts for this year’s Spring Weekend concerts, to be held Thursday, April 18 and Saturday, April 20. The unexpected changes will bring the Dave Matthews Band to the University for not one but two concerts. Matthews and his crew will replace performances by The Roots and the Get Up Kids, who were originally chosen by BCA to perform. The changes come just ten days after BCA first went public with the acts they had originally signed to perform. Butch Trusty ’02, a member of BCA, said the changes were a result of pressure from mid-Atlantic Jewish students on campus. “We found that campus Jews, particularly those from northern New Jersey and Long Island, were strongly opposed to the acts we had originally scheduled,” he said. “Apparently, The Roots are more popular with people from south Philadelphia.” Led by Noel Sachs-Goldman ’03.5, an impromptu student group formed to urge BCA to consider bringing Matthews to campus. Sachs-Goldman dismissed criticism of Matthews, calling the musician “the most talented and significant rock musician and songwriter since McCartney and Lennon.” Sachs-Goldman said popular concep-
tions of Matthews’ music as “campy” stem from a misunderstanding of the group’s work. “Dave Matthews Band is music that can be enjoyed not only by fourteen yearold suburbanite girls, but by all music connoisseurs,” he said. Trusty said he was not discouraged that BCA was forced to reconsider the schedule of acts. “We are accustomed to our decisions being viewed as unpopular and poorly thought-out,” he said. BCA member Rebecca Fiekowsky ’02 said BCA counts on the student body to hold it accountable for its decisions. “When you think about it, we are a student group endowed with a half-million dollars in University funds, and no one has any say about what we do with it,” she said. “It’s great for us, but sometimes it’s possible that we are out of touch with our constituency — so we need vigilant students to keep us on our toes.” The Get Up Kids issued a statement in reaction to the scheduling change. “We are heartbroken and dismayed at the way our hearts have been twisted, squeezed and sundered,” the group wrote. “We plan to incorporate our feelings of melancholy into our next album.” Emcee Black Thought of The Roots told The Herald he was less than thrilled by BCA’s decision, but only laughed when asked what he thought of Matthews’ music.
Brown Police officers expected to start packing heat in April after they received a shipment of 20 guns last week. But officers were shocked to find waterpower, not fire power, in their holsters. Smith and Wesson sent Brown Police twenty water pistols instead of the handguns Brown ordered. Despite the clerical error, officers say the mix-up was a blessing in disguise. “We got the order wrong,” said Col. Paul Verrecchia, chief of Brown University Police and Security. “But these Super Soakers are the best mistake ever to happen to us.” While BUPS is baffled that crime hasn’t gone down since the introduction of the water pistols, officers say the end of the disengagement policy will eventually eradicate crime on College Hill. “I responded to a mugging on Thayer Street,” said BUPS officer Stephen St. Jean of an incident Saturday. “I shot him ten times. He got away, but he was fucking wet.” Several eyewitnesses said the suspect tried to nab a Brown student’s purse when St. Jean stepped into action. “He yelled freeze and started to pump up his Super Soaker,” said Nathan Morris ’03.
“The guy still took her purse, but he was so wet — I have no idea how he got away alive.” Even though the suspect fled, St. Jean said the next would-be mugger won’t be lucky — he will be wet. “He’ll be wetter than we ever imagined a person could be wet,” he said. BUPS officers have discharged their pistols only five times on calls to violent crimes since carrying guns. Although the rates of serious crime have remained unchanged since the officers holstered water guns, Verrecchia said smoking in campus buildings is down drastically. “Officers have been ordered to shoot dormitory smokers in the face,” Verrecchia said. “One or two shots extinguishes cigarettes, and it’s clear that cigarettes that get soaked won’t get smoked.” Students, smokers and nonsmokers agree BUPS’ new strong-armed tactics are effective. “I got shot in the face,” said Douglas Levandowski ’03. “It sucked. I’ll never puff again.” While most students agree the new policy will cut out smoking in dorms all together, not all students support the newly see BUPS, page 8
Desrochers, Konstan unveil new ‘Greek Life’ requirement for Brown frats BY SNARFT THEBROM
A dissatisfied Dean of Residential Life Donald Desrochers issued a memorandum to all fraternities Monday morning stating that, as of this fall, the Greek Council’s “community service requirement” will be replaced with mandatory enrollment in a Classics course focusing on “real” Greek life. All members of fraternities and sororities on campus will be required to take CL092. Desrochers, stating his frustration with lackluster attempts on the part of Brown fraternities to comply with the service requirement — which allows the fraternities to remain in good standing on campus — said that he was “tired of watching three beeredup, beardless white-hats walking home from Max’s and calling it ‘Safewalk.’” Professor of Classics David Konstan first visualized a partnership with Greek Council when researching for his latest book, “Apotheosize This.” “I was re-reading Bullfinch’s ‘Mythology,’
having a chuckle over the shenanigans of young Hercules, when I happened to look out my window and saw two screaming youths streaking across the lawn wearing only those Budweiser beer hat things,” Konstan said. Konstan immediately saw the connection between the loveable and temperamental antics of the latter-day young Olympians and the suds-covered escapades of Dave Atkins ’02 and Drew Freilich ’02, Sigma Chi brothers. “‘Greek Life’ has a rich tradition which goes far beyond paddling and projectile vomiting,” Konstan said, adding that strains of Bacchanalian excess, named for the eponymous greek lord of wine and revelry, Bacchus, are still carried on by fraternity chapters across the country. Alexander “Xander” Boutelle ‘04 ‘s reaction to the requirement was one of surprise. see GREEKS, page 8
THE BROWN DAILY HERALD
ARTS & CULTURE TUESDAY, APRIL 2, 2002 · PAGE 4
Production Workshop’s ‘Sound of Music’ is amazing BY ART VAN DELAY
Production Workshop’s third-slot production, an updated and thoroughly contemporized version of the seminal classic, “The Sound of Music” is nothing short of Hot. This production manages to feel fresh and vital despite staying true to the musical’s original themes. The renegade nuns, matching outfits and smarmy children remain intact, but the original score has been completely replaced and all parts have been cross-cast in order to problematize the hegemonic nature of gender roles in pre-WWII Austria. Maria, the rebellious nun, (Jeffrey Kurtz, 03) is told that she needs to learn something about life in the outside world, and so is instructed to serve as governess for the children of widower captain von Rap (Jessie Austrian, ’03). At first, Maria has a hard time coping with the misbehaving children, but thanks to several rousing musical interludes, she manages to earn their affection by the conclusion of the second hour of the play. Maria becomes par-
ticularly close to von Rap’s eldest daughter Liesl (Seth Bockley, ’03), who, besides being sixteen years of age but on the cusp of her seventeenth birthday, is in love with the hapless Nazi messenger Rolf, as played by Rebecca Melsky, ’03. Bockley’s embodiment of the angst-ridden teen is stirring and heartfelt. His intensity is scene-stealing throughout, as are his leather pants. Maria herself soon falls sway to the Captain’s charms, but fears ruining his impending marriage with the glamorous baroness. Suspense reaches a fever pitch, but the von Rap children manage to convince Maria to return to the mansion and the Captain, to everyone’s relief. Then Nazis occupy most of Europe, but as we leave the theater, all we really remember is the love. Director Brian Faas, ’05, besides casting everyone in drag, made some other minor adjustments to fit his updated “Sound of Music.” Specifically, the family name was originally “von Trapp.” Faas shortened the
Suspense reaches a fever pitch, but the von Rap children manage to convince Maria to return to the mansion and the Captain,to everyone’s relief.Then Nazis occupy most of Europe, but as we leave the theater,all we really remember is the love. name to von Rap in order to connect with this production’s rewritten score. All of the classic showtunes have been replaced with tight hip hop grooves, courtesy of djs Gabriel Kahane ’03 and Thomas Beatty ’03. “I really think that Rodgers and Hammerstein really shortchanged the original work by not delving into the possibilities of an all rap musical. Originally, the hills had to settle for being alive with the sound of music. Now, the hills are not only alive, but getting their freak on,” said Kahane, while incessantly scratching records. Faas also changed the show’s traditional look. This is not Austria as Julie Andrews saw
it, but instead a sort of post-apocalyptic Austria, filled with tight leather outfits, nuclear fallout and roving hordes of cyborg vampire super-Nazis, as played by the Brown Derbies. “I just got to thinking- what would happen if ‘The Sound of Music’ met ‘The Matrix’? Cyborg vampire super-Nazis were just the tip of the iceberg, believe you me,” Faas said. When asked what drew him to direct this dated classic, Faas responded, “I just felt like lately, Brown theatre hasn’t done enough productions that deal with the evils of Nazism. At least not enough musical productions about Nazis. Except for that one last semester.”
TUESDAY, APRIL 2, 2002 THE BROWN DAILY HERALD PAGE 5
Beth Farnstrom / Herald
Members of The Herald’s edit board celebrate their victory.
HERALD EDIT BOARD DEFEATS SPORTS STAFF IN NCAA POOL BY BEN GOULD (FORMER HERALD SPORTS EDITOR)
As the NCAA tournament reached its completion, the world’s attention quickly turned to the results of The Brown Daily Herald staff Final Four predctions. In a shocking turn of events, the Editorial Board humiliated the Sports Staff, with a 9-7 victory. While both sides had two correct predictions of a Maryland championship, the Edit Board clearly demonstrated their dominance of the Sports staff with superior foresight and sports knowledge in pick-
ing more correct Final Four teams. Despite the pathetic attempts of David Rivello ’03, who did not pick one team correctly in the Final Four, the Edit Board relied on the 3 correct predictions, including Maryland as champion, from Beth Farnstrom ’03 and Steve Lazar ’04. Jon Bloom ’03 was the only member of the Sports staff with more than one correct prediction. Jon Meachin ’04 and Nick Gourevitch ’04, when approached for comments, refused to show their faces. Maggie Haskins ’04, with newly
found free time after being cut from the Softball team as a result of the overturning of Title IX, begged for some attention, but her prediction of So. Illinois as a Final Four team proved anything she said would be worthless. Jesse Warren ’04, who did not predict one team correctly, was seen at the Arts & Culture panel in hopes of switching from a career in sports writing to a career in theater reviews. Seth Kerschner ’03, drunk with the satisfaction of complete victory, exclaimed, “I like cock.”
VA lottery woes solved by ‘performative’proposal BY GREG BRADY
Recent concerns that Brown’s Visual Art Department does not provide enough classes to meet the demand of the pre-registration pool will be addressed by VA Department Chair Richard Fishman’s hallmark “Performative Lottery” pilot program. “Richard really hit the proverbial donkey in the ass with this one,” said visual arts professor Wendy Edwards. “Since all art is subjective anyway, now we basically get to take students on the basis of who we most want to have sexual intercourse with,” she added. The antiquated system of the old visual arts lottery placed preferences on VA concentrators, seniors and juniors. Occasionally, an arts-semiotic major would receive preference. “It’s always good to have someone talking about ‘referents’ in the class,” said VA professor Leslie Bostrom. Bostrom also enjoyed the “splendid negative color field” created by the token arts-semiotic major’s all-black ensemble. Fishman’s prospective plan
requires would-be VA students to prepare a short performative piece, ready to be displayed on the first day of each semester’s lottery. “None of that ‘dykey’ interpretive dance, though,” he admonished. Arts concentrator Robin Amer ’04 was not worried by Fishman’s proposed lottery. “I’ve worked really hard these last two years, and I’m pretty sure that my art crap is better than some freshman’s art crap,” she said. “Also, I’m double-jointed,” Amer added. When asked what the ideal “performative” piece might include, professors were tentative to assign a specific set of criteria. VA Professor Walter Feldman prefers show tunes, while Bostrom would be “really impressed by anyone who could capture the raw vitality of a young Cindy Sherman, if she were naked and wrestling in jell-o.” The VA department sparked similar tentatively scheduled renovations in neighboring departments with nigh-on-impossible lottery procedures. Creative writing director Forrest Gander explained that by adopting simple
“weeding out” policies in the initial creative writing lottery, students would enjoy a more efficient lottery process. Prospective writers, he continued, would be asked to “use the words ‘bildungsroman,’ ‘primitivist’ and ‘gotterdammerung’” in a sentence. Then, one half of the total pool would be told at random that their registration form was read “with great interest,” but that there was “no need for it at the current time.” Fishman predicted great success for his “performative lottery,” adding the caveat that “art is relatively unimportant in modern, dogs-playing-poker, Precious Moments-figurine-worshipping middle America, anyway.” These kids’ parents are going to ship their BVD wearing butts off to law school post-haste — at least this way, me and Leslie get to crush a few dreams in the interim,” he said. Alissa Faden ’02 was “crushed” that she will be graduating prior to the inception of the new policy. “All those mandolin lessons, and for what?” she said.
PAGE 6 THE BROWN DAILY HERALD TUESDAY, APRIL 2, 2002
Res Life proposes solutions to housing shortage BY SYDNEY BABUSH
The Office of Residential Life announced Monday their proposed solutions for the housing shortage that the University will face in the upcoming academic year 2002-2003. Because fewer seniors have chosen to live off campus than in previous years, the University will be short some 300 beds. Proposed solutions include: 1. Small students who do not meet certain height and weight requirements will be forced to live four to a room in Keeney doubles. 2. Perkins will be renovated and new walls erected to split all of the doubles into two smaller doubles. 3. The University will purchase brand-new, two-man camping tents and set them up on the Main Green. 4. Students will be housed in sinks in Andrews, and bathrooms in New Pembroke, Emery-Woolley, and MoChamp. 5. The side dining rooms in the Ratty, which are used by nobody currently, will be converted to large dorm rooms housing up to 20 students each. 6. The Wriston tunnels will be reopened and students housed in them. 7. An experimental, “outdoor living” option, which will bring students closer to the elements and allow them to truly embrace nature, will be available on Andrews terrace and the roof of the Graduate Center. These solutions have caused an uproar among students on campus, many of whom voiced
“Just because I’m 4’ 10” does not mean I need less space. The University is obviously biased against vertically challenged people. In protest, I propose that everyone paste a sign on his chest displaying his height and weight, as well as his penis size. And how ‘bout them Terps? Can you believe how much better than Duke they are?” Ari Adland ’04. Vertically Challenged Individual their dissatisfaction and outrage to The Herald. “Just because I’m 4’ 10” does not mean I need less space! The University is obviously biased against vertically-challenged people. In protest, I propose that everyone paste a sign on his chest displaying his height and weight, as well as his penis size. And how ‘bout them Terps? Can you believe how much better than Duke they are?” said Ari Adland ’04. David Peck ’03, a former resident of a temporary Perkins triple, the solution to the housing crunch in 2000-2001, said in a phone interview from Barcelona, Spain, “I like to stalk Jewish girls I meet in the library.” When questioned about what this had to do with living in a triple, he responded with a goofy smile on his face and danced a little jig. Housing Lottery Chair
Sanders Kleinfeld ’03, also Herald Opinions Editor, defended the decision. “While these living arrangements are not ideal, as a vertically challenged individual myself, I realize sometimes I must sacrifice for the good of humanity,” he said. “Short people should be happy that their limited stature will benefit someone for once.” Kleinfeld also defended the outdoor housing options. “Brown is full of self-righteous hippies who claim they want to be one with nature,” he said. “Well, we’re giving them what they always said they wanted — whether they like it or not.” Former Brown God Ross Lipski ’01, was flabbergasted by the developments. “This shit never would’ve happened if I were still running the school,” Lipski said. “Damn Ruth for taking my place.”
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TUESDAY, APRIL 2, 2002 THE BROWN DAILY HERALD PAGE 7
Cuban continued from page 12 Mr. Strawberry. While the Blizzard’s tasted fine, every Coke they bought from him didn’t have any soft drink in it. Instead the kids stated that each of the cups contained only some funny white powder that made their whole face feel numb. In a seemingly unrelated coincidence, five fifth graders from local neighborhoods have checked into detox. In an even stranger twist, almost thirty youngsters also claimed that they had lost
FBI continued from page 1 the building. After an hour of being surrounded, Rainey shouted “I’m not afraid of confronting The Man! Die, you fascist pigs!” and tossed a flaming mop bucket from a third-floor window. The FBI responded by wheeling in a
Math Box continued from page 1 The confidentiality of the report is part of what Reaves described as a “process.” “This is the process that President Simmons wanted to use to introduce this material,” Freid said. “But more important is the conversation that people have about the ‘Math Box’ and the implications of any solutions to that box.” Student leaders and mathematicians who read the report said Reaves’ solution
articles of clothing at the store. Many entered with hats and gloves only to find themselves sobbing as they left the store without them. The store does have a “Lost and Found” run by Rivera but despite the number of missing clothes the container remains empty. After several parental inquiries, one of the children mentioned seeing Mr. Rivera entering the local pawn shop with a large cardboard box. Two lawsuits have recently been brought against the store on account of custodial worker Kenyon Martin. Martin, very possessive of the wastebaskets, assaulted two customers, Karl and Tracy, who were attempting to “slam dunk” their trash in the baskets.
Martin sprinted across the store and tackled the two dunkers prompting Cuban to suspend Martin for at least two weeks. Martin had been progressing very well this year earning two Employee of the Week awards prior to these two vicious incidents. Dairy Queen officials expressed serious concerns over this franchise, but Cuban has assured them that his staff is doing a great job in spite of the assaults, theft, and drug overdoses. With the success of the franchise, Cuban hopes to hire Mike Tyson and Jason Williams to jointly run a Kentucky Friend Chicken. The police in the neighborhood have been duly notified.
sound truck and playing Lee Greenwood’s “Proud to Be An American” on continuous repeat. As the night wore on, the agents replaced Greenwood’s tune with ultrapatriotic songs from conservative politicians, such as Orrin Hatch’s “Freedom’s Light” and John Ashcroft’s “Let the Eagle Soar.” At press time, FBI agents could be seen setting up giant video projectors around Hope College. Officials on the scene said
that the projectors will be used to display “Independence Day” into every room in the building. Megan Zwiebel ’03, President of the Brown chapter of the American Civil Liberties Union said the raid was “a bit alarming, but we’re not getting our panties all in a bunch.” She added, “It would be incredibly scary if the FBI did this to people who actually mattered. But Shaun Joseph? Give me a break.”
to the March 8 chessboard rearrangement “Math Box” may spark debate. “I don’t think Vice President Reaves carefully considered what Ibn Kallikan actually said in 1256 when he first proposed chess puzzles,” said Miguel Daal ’02, a member of the Mathematics DUG. Other students criticized what they described as a “myopic” approach to “Math Box” solutions and said there was nothing in the report that should not be released to the campus community. “I’ve solved every ‘Math Box’ since January and to suggest that there are only
two ways of solving every box is ridiculous,” said Jahred Adelman ’02. Reaves said there has been a “dramatic increase” in the number of conflicting solutions to “Math Boxes” on campus. There are “two options with regard to the level of service the ‘Math Box’ can provide to the community and the way in which the community can solve those boxes,” Reaves said. “It is part of a process.” Herald former staff writer Greg Cooper ’01 can be reached in Connecticut, preaching to young boys.
Sex continued from page 1 Campus Life Committee. “They allowed us to have sex, but only under conditions that we can’t possibly meet,” said Evan Feldman ’02, Chair of Greek Council. “I don’t really see what the problem is because we’ve had sex in the past for many years.” Jablonski said future changes to the policy would not be made by her, but by the Intercourse Policy Committee, which is chaired by Senior Associate Dean for Student Life Jean Joyce-Brady. Jablonski cited a variety of reasons for the new rules, including potential damage to University property from intercourse that occurs on that property and the possibility of students engaging in too much intercourse. Students expressed concern over the long-term implications of the new rules. “The administration says that they’re not in favor of a completely sex-free campus, but they make it as hard as possible to have sex on campus,” said Tali Wenger ’02, UCS vice president. “We are one of the most liberal campuses in the country, but we have one of the most conservative social function policies.” “If the University wants to decrease the amount of sex students are having, the last thing it should do is make it difficult for people to have sex on campus, with wristbands or not,” said Carter Bales ’03. “Students will find other, less safe places to have sex.”
PAGE 8 THE BROWN DAILY HERALD TUESDAY, APRIL 2, 2002
Greeks
Nick
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“At first I thought it was another one of those pizza ads they’re always sticking under the door,” he said. Boutelle has never taken a course in the classics department, although he is “a big Zeppelin fan.” Across the Brown fraternity scene, brothers were divided in their opinion of the Desrochers-Konstan manifesto. “I’ve already started doing some of the required reading for CL092, and it’s going to be hard to work some of this stuff into our fall party theme,” said Delta Tau President Roy Cho ‘03. Cho cited the problematic absence of togas in authentic Greek life and noted that “the Greeks did a lot of weird things back then like sleep with their moms and fight horsemen.” Not that I haven’t seen some M.I.L.F.s in my day,” he added. Alpha Chi Omega, one of two sororities on campus, plans to name their party “Medusa.” President Emily Owens ’02 said the celebration will feature a “hemlock punch” which will mimic the effects of the Medusa’s legendary gaze. “It may not turn people to stone, but hopefully it will get them dancing,” she said. Danielle Chapelle ’03, a sister in the sorority, already has a “really cool snakeyhair do thing” planned in honor of the party, Owens said. Desrochers denied the allegation made by concerned students that CL092: “Greek Life” is an attempt on the part of the administration to “get back” at fraternity members who allegedly gave him an “atomic wedgie” this past February. “I feel like Sisyphus, pushing that huge rock up that really big hill or whatever,” said Chase Hogoboom ‘03 , Sigma Chi brother. “This shit is hard.”
by July, while Derek Jeter will suffer from a bulging disc and miss the whole season. As a result, the Yankees will finish behind the Devil Rays and Orioles. Meanwhile, Tom Brady will learn how to hit a curveball and turn the double play as he takes over at second base. Finally, the Sox will cruise through
Special Fund continued from page 12 eliminating it, and the generous pocket of the city of Providence. Providence Mayor Buddy Cianci has volunteered half the funds for the new arena, citing off-shore surplus accounts
Title IX continued from page 12 Coach Pam McCreesh to make some difficult decisions and cut players. After barely seconds of consideration, McCreesh chose to cut just Maggie Haskins ’04 (check her on right side of page 47 in the ’04 facebook) out from the team. “I was a little surprised when Coach
BUPS continued from page 3 hydropowered police force. The Alliance for Less Liquid/Water
the AL playoffs and win the World Series in four games. And why use the phrase “top notch” there? It just seems awkward. Bryant from Milwaukee writes: “Nick, do you need an intern for the summer? I am an aspiring sports journalist and after internships with the New York Times and Boston Globe, I thought adding you to my résumé would complete the trifecta. I could certainly help you out with the extensive research that you clearly do for all of your columns.”
This is one of the most common questions I am asked, and unfortunately I can’t give any old kid off the street a job, but keep those résumés coming and maybe someday I’ll take someone on to be my protégé. That’s all I have time to respond to at the moment and despite my earlier complaints about the hassles of reader e-mails, keep them coming and maybe you will be lucky enough to have one appear in a future column.
that the city has been reluctant to use. Initially, Brown President Ruth Simmons denounced the idea of building a new sports arena, but after several private meetings with Cianci and a crew of his construction associates, her outlook seemed to shift. “I am completely overjoyed with our decision to build the Cianci Fieldhouse,” Simmons said. “It will do wonders for the
Brown community, as well as the city of Providence. I couldn’t be more pleased.” Unfortunately Simmons’ plans for needblind admissions will be postponed, but that’s a price she feels is worth the reward. “After all, a stadium that can seat twice our student enrollment is far more valuable than a few extra bucks for some needy students,” she said.
informed me of the move,” said Haskins. “But after crying for a few days, I realized I was just not as talented as the rest of the girls. I am actually happy this all happened, because it will allow me to take a semester off to train in Slovakia to pursue my real dream of becoming an Olympic figure skater.” The big question for the team is how they will be able to perform without Haskins, ‘the defensive specialist,’ in the line-up. Although no one actually expects there to be
any difference, it is still polite to ask the necessary hypothetical. “I just really hope that the team can manage without me,” Haskins said. “I just wish them the best of luck and hope they know that every time I see a softball field, a tear will come to my eyes.” Anyone wishing to offer Haskins condolences, money, ask her out on a date, or slap her ass can reach her at mhaskins@browndailyherald.com.
Encourages Terror protested outside BUPS headquarters on 75 Charlesfield St. Sunday night. ALL/WET leader Shaun Joseph ’02 said arming Brown police was unacceptable no matter what the ammunition. “When will the madness end,” Joseph said. “Will it end when someone loses an
eye? Will it end when someone drowns?” The transition to an armed police force hasn’t been easy for BUPS. When fellow officers saw a stain on St. Jean’s uniform, he became the butt of department jokes. “I didn’t wet myself,” he said. “My water gun just went off.”
THE BROWN DAILY HERALD
WORLD & NATION TUESDAY, APRIL 2, 2002 · PAGE 9
IN BRIEF McDonalds announces release of the next gourmet fast food entree, the ‘Big McForeskin’ Announcing their first new product since Sept. 11, McDonalds plans to release the “Big McForeskin” on April 5. The “Big McForeskin” will include chicken breast filet, yellow triple split bun, lettuce, tomato, mayonnaise and the foreskin of a circumcised male, said Jack Greenberg, Chairman and Chief Executive Officer of McDonald’s Corporation. “At McDonalds we were devastated by the evil terror attacks of Sept. 11,” Greenberg said.“We thought the ideal way to show our solidarity with the American people was to offer a food product made by American people, for American people and, of course, of body parts of American people.” Hospitals and moils donated the foreskins for the “Big McForeskin,” Greenberg said. “We will also be accepting foreskin donations from American men who wish to be circumcised in order to show their patriotism,” Greenberg said. “McDonalds is an American institution and the male foreskin is an American body part,” said White House Press Secretary Ari Fleisher in a statement.“We applaud the efforts of McDonalds to help in the fight against terror. It is the American thing to do.” Greenberg said the foreskins used in the “Big McForeskin” will be heavily sterilized to ensure the “most stringent sanitary conditions that McDonalds applies to all our products.” Health officials have expressed concern over what they describe as “offensive and disgusting consumption policies being employed” by McDonalds. “This is disgusting,” said Dr. Josh Sipkin of Rhode Island Hospital.“Would you want to eat a foreskin?” McDonalds chose to use foreskins because “we wanted to use an American body part and the foreskin appears to be the part that most Americans are willing to part with,” Greenberg said. — Bert Harbinson
Bush promises to join former enemy Ralph Nader in order to ‘go Green’ After a meeting with Ralph Nader that extended into the wee hours of the morning, President Bush pledged Monday to “go green.” “I have come to the realizationism that I should have signed the Kyoto Accords, and limited CO2 emissions and shouldn’t drill for oil in Alaska,” Bush said.“I’ve had a complete change of heart, mind, soul and a kidney transplant, but I don’t think that has anything to do with it. It’s more like I realized that this there Earth is the only one we has, and we oughta keep it nice and tidy.” The move has pundits baffled, although some reasoned that Bush simply “never really thought about it before.” Senator Strom Thurmond, R-S.C., said “Bush is acting like a 15-year old who is still trying to figure out what he believes. But I guess when you’re president is better time to do it than after. I just wish he had thought about this earlier.” Hours after announcing his decision, Bush was seen shooting heroin and taking some mad bongs hits on the lWhite House lawn. Nader could not be reached for comment. — Bert Harbinson
Moses / Herald
These building were built by the Jews 5,000 years ago before Moses led them out. Thanks to this, all Jews are now suffering through life without bread and beer.
Jews sue Egypt for slavery reparations BY DANIEL PYLE
In the first lawsuit of its kind, the Jewish Legal Defense Fund is suing the government of Egypt for reparations because of its ties to Jewish slave labor 5,000 years ago. The suit, which is being brought on behalf of all Jews worldwide, seeks compensation from the Egyptian government for the slave labor of their ancestors. “50 centuries ago, the Jews built the pyramids, the Sphinx, and even the Valley of the Mummies,” said Steve Greenberg a lawyer for the JLDF, “The Egyptian government clearly profits from this slavery by unconscionably making these sites into ‘tourist’ attractions.” “Such injustice cannot stand,” he said. Since the ancient Egyptian monetary system is unknown, historians have had difficulty computing how much money the Jews are actually owed. However, after consulting an ancient abacus and adjusting for inflation, the total amount could reach up to 10 trillion goats. “Evidence of Jewish slavery in Egypt is extensively cited in a fairly well-known book,” Greenberg said. He quoted passages from a relatively obscure chapter called “Exodus.” “The Egyptians made the lives of the children of Israel bitter with hard bondage, in mortar, and in brick, and in all manner of service in the field,” according to unnamed sources in the Bible. “They owe me for money that my great-great-greatgreat-great-great-great [slice] grandfather should have
received,” said reparations activist Aaron Rosenstein. Rosenstein said that if the money was too much for the Egyptians to pay, he would gladly accept one of the pyramids instead. “I wouldn’t mind taking Khufu’s pyramid; I hear it is pretty spacious inside,” he said. Some critics, however, say that the current Egyptian government has nothing at all to do with the slavery of Jews, and that many, if not all, of the current Egyptians were not even alive back then. “What about all the intermarriage since then?” said anti-reparations activist Michael Smith. “This is only bringing back out grievances that have completely nothing to do with today.” “It is ridiculous that we have not never even been given an apology by the Egyptians; it’s not like they haven’t had enough time,” Rosenstein said. The case will stand out in legal annals because of its precedent setting nature. Other formerly victimized groups, such as the Russian serfs, might also consider seeking back pay depending on the results of the Jewish case. The entire worldwide Christian community might also sue the Italian government because their ancestors were enslaved during the time of the Roman Empire. Egypt will probably countersue the Jews with a wrongful death lawsuit in regards to the slaying of the first born. The case is Worldwide Jews. v. The Arab Republic of Egypt and is currently pending in the World Court.
Bush founds first ever “America Day” BY DR. VAN NASTRON
In his weekly radio address, President George Bush unveiled his plan for a new national holiday, to be called “America Day.” “We Americans have suffered through some times of suffering, but the worst of that suffering that we’ve suffered is now behind us, in the past. So we deserve a reward,” Bush said. Bush earmarked $14 billion dollars for “America Day” celebrations. Most of this money will be directed toward the construction of large pillars in metropolitan areas throughout the nation. Five times a day, officers from the
Patriot Corp, a division of the Office of Homeland Security, will climb to the top of these pillars and call all red-blooded Americans to stop whatever they are doing and perform the pledge of allegiance. Illegal immigrants, Bush stated, will be expressly forbidden from participating. Bush said he was unable to settle upon a single date for “America Day.” “How can we ask our good American citizens to only celebrate ‘America Day’ once a year? Doesn’t sound very patriotistic to me,” said Bush, and then declared every day to be “America Day.’ “Participation is mandatory,” he added.
THE BROWN DAILY HERALD
EDITORIAL/LETTERS TUESDAY, APRIL 2, 2002 · PAGE 10 S T A F F
E D I T O R I A L
Making paper Here at the 112th editorial board of The Herald, we have attempted to foster feedback of all kinds, yet we have rarely explained our decision making process. We would like to give back to the Brown community in the form of a little clarification and insight on the elaborate process known commonly as “making the paper.” We realize that many of you may not know exactly “how” a story gets on the pages of The Herald. Some of you have suggested that we must be spinning a garbage can on the asphalt and collecting the runoff in a crazy, crazy approximation of a refuse Ouija Board. This is patently untrue. Rather, we espouse a rigorous process of journalistic integrity which often leaves us breathless, disoriented and able to smell colors. After checking with our grandmothers to make sure nothing too “spicy” infiltrates our tender pages, we run the remaining ideas past a hand-picked board of privileged, Caucasian, capitalist males, all named Walter. The Walters cull from this process those news items which best fit their particular tastes. However, “serving the Brown community since 1866” just sounds a lot catchier than “serving the Walters since 1866,” and so we stuck with the former as a slogan. Post-Walterization, the writing commences. This is when the “hard journalism” takes place. We encourage our staff to “read into” what the subject “really” means. Does the interviewee look perturbed? Perhaps what he really “meant” to say, rather than “I cannot comment on that at this time,” was something more along the lines of, “I have embezzled funds to pay for my obscure Asian porn fetish.” Meaning something and saying something can be so similar, yet so crucially disparate! Sometimes, the most important points in an interview are inferred entirely by our psychically-certified writers. This ensures a level of exciting instability, or “edge.” Next, the editing begins. After drinking several DayQuil Martinis— shaken, not stirred — we realize that the pearls of journalism on our monitors could not possibly be improved upon, not even by the hand of God himself. Our job done, we return to our primary occupations, such as dog-kicker or baby-killer. Ah, it’s good to be us. Finally, it’s off to the presses, calloo-callay! We have never seen the presses, but we can only assume that they are not manned by unpaid child laborers dressed in pathetically ragged hand-me-down smocks. This idea would disturb our slumber. And another golden issue is born and toted off into the world, leaving us with a little more than a barely perceptible tear in one eye and, of course, 4,000 copies of the paper itself.
THE BROWN DAILY HERALD EDITORIAL Beth Farnstrom, Editor-in-Chief Seth Kerschner, Editor-in-Chief David Rivello, Editor-in-Chief Will Hurwitz, Executive Editor Sheryl Shapiro, Executive Editor Brian Baskin, News Editor Kavita Mishra, News Editor Andy Golodny, Campus News Editor Bethany Rallis, Campus News Editor Elena Lesley, Arts & Culture Editor Juan Nunez, Asst. Arts & Culture Editor Jonathan Noble, Campus Watch Editor Chris Byrnes, Metro Editor Victoria Harris, Opinions Editor Sanders Kleinfeld, Opinions Editor Shana Jalbert, Listings Editor Maria DiMento, Listings Editor Marion Billings, Design Editor Stephen Lazar, Design Editor Stephanie Harris, Copy Desk Chief Jonathan Skolnick, Copy Desk Chief Josh Apte, Photography Editor Makini Chisolm-Straker,Asst.Photography Editor Allie Silverman, Asst.Photography Editor Grace Farris, Graphics Editor Nathan Pollard, Graphics Editor Brett Cohen, Systems Manager
BUSINESS Stacey Doynow, General Manager Jamie Wolosky, Executive Manager Jared Gerber, Associate Manager Angela Kim, Local Accounts Manager Hyebin Joo, Local Accounts Manager Moon-Suk Oh, University Accounts Manager Jan Vezikov, University Accounts Manager Eugene C. Cha, National Accounts Manager Joseph Laganas, National Accounts Manager Josh Miller, Classifieds Account Manager Elizabeth Tietz, Marketing Coordinator Shereen Kassam, Marketing Coordinator Tugba Erem, Marketing Coordinator Miguel Escobar, Subscriptions Manager Laurie-Ann Paliotti, Senior Advertising Rep. Kate Sparaco, Office Manager Jennifer Gillis, Advertising Representative P O S T- M A G A Z I N E Kerry Miller, Editor-in-Chief Zach Frechette, Executive Editor Morgan Clendaniel, Film Editor Alden Eagle, Theatre Editor Meredith Jones, Calendar Editor Juan Nunez, Asst. Features Editor Alex Schulman, Features Editor Theo Schell-Lambert, Music Editor SPORTS Jonathan Bloom, Sports Editor Nick Gourevitch, Asst. Sports Editor Maggie Haskins, Asst. Sports Editor Jonathan Meachin, Asst. Sports Editor Joshua Troy, Asst. Sports Editor Jesse Warren, Asst. Sports Editor Emily Hunt, Sports Photography Editor Michelle Batoon, Sports Photography Editor
RYAN LEVESQUE
LETTERS Failure to reference Cooper illustrates Herald’s lack of credibility To the Editor: I am deeply troubled to learn that my name has not appeared in The Herald in slightly over two weeks. As a former Editor-in-Chief, it seems appropriate to make kind references to me in most, if not all, issues, while at the same time humiliating my successors. They, for obvious reasons, could never measure up to the enigma that was my reign as King of The Herald. Also, to alleviate any concerns among the readers of this shameless socialist rag, I lead a gratifying and fulfilling existence. Spending my days educating young boys in anatomy (Oops! I mean astronomy) has brought me more joy than dictating newspaper protocol ever could. To be completely honest, I really couldn’t care less what transpires at The Herald each evening. I do not even read the publication. Please, please, please mention me soon. I am losing the will to live.
Gregory Cooper ’01 April 1
Hey Killer, editing of perfection completely unnecessary To the Editor: I am aware that the 112th editorial board are shameless pussies who cannot stand criticism, but I am shocked at the manner in which my above letter was edited. As an immortal, my work requires no editing, and every precious word of the correspondence, however irrelevant, deserves space in The Herald.
Just because I enjoy losing myself in mindless, self-indulgent ramblings that really have little to do with the point of my letter, such as the non-stop excitement that has been my reality since I was forced to relinquish my keys to 195 Angell St, does not give the mentally deficient Opinions Editors the right to try to make my letters more coherent. On a side note, I really dislike each Editor-in-Chief for personal reasons, but to mention that would be extremely unprofessional and slightly immature. Seth Kerschner ’03 is far too polite to the staff writers, and I think his new hat is silly. I don’t know Elizabeth Farnstrom ’03 personally but if I did, I know I would loathe her, especially her clothes. Not only is David Rivello ’03 a full quarter of an inch too short for my liking, he is also slightly ambiguous, don’t you think? In the future, please travel to Connecticut on foot to deliver any proposed edits to my submissions.
Gregory Cooper ’01 April 1
Herald missssspells important things like words far too often To the Editor I was shocked to discover two rather innocuous spelling mistakes in the last issue of The Herald. Even more distressing was my later realization that I in fact was the copy editor that night. I lose sleep reflecting upon how I personally must save this newspaper from grammatical heresy, and it would be a fatal blow to know that I have performed less than perfectly. While concerning ourselves with grammatical questions, I would like to state that I am displeased with my word choice in the first sentence. Although “innocuous” was used, a better adjective would have been “horrendous.” Adam Greenwood ’03 April 1
Erika Litvin, Night Editor Sanders Kleinfeld, Copy Editor Staff Writers Kathy Babcock,Brian Baskin,Jonathan Bloom,Carla Blumenkranz,Chris Byrnes,Jinhee Chung,Julie DiMartino,Nicholas Foley,Vinay Ganti,Neema Singh Guliani,Ari Gerstman,Andy Golodny, Daniel Gorfine,Ben Gould,Nick Gourevitch,Stephanie Harris,Maggie Haskins,Christopher Hayes,Shara Hegde,Brian Herman,Shana Jalbert,Brent Lang,Elena Lesley,Jamay Liu,Jermaine Matheson,Kerry Miller, Kavita Mishra,Martin Mulkeen, Alicia Mullin,Crystal Z.Y.Ng,Jonathan Noble,Ginny Nuckols,Juan Nunez, Sean Peden,Bethany Rallis,Emir Senturk,Jen Sopchockchai,Anna Stubblefield,Brady Thomas,Jonathon Thompson,Joshua Troy,Miranda Turner,Juliette Wallack,Jesse Warren,Genan Zilkha,Julia Zuckerman Pagination Staff Bronwyn Bryant, Jessica Chan, Keunjung Cho, Iris Chung, Sam Cochran, Joshua Gootzeit, Michael Kingsley, Hana Kwan, Erika Litvin, Jessica Morrison, Caroline Novograd, Stacy Wong Staff Photographers Josh Apte, Makini Chisolm-Straker, Matt Rodriguez, Ana Selles, Allie Silverman, Vanessia Wu Copy Editors John Audett, Lanie Davis, Marc Debush, Daniel Jacobson, Harrison Quitman, Sonya Tat, Julia Zuckerman
DISCLAIMER Today’s news, opinions and editorials are one-hundred percent, entirely false. Read them accordingly. CO M M E N TA RY P O L I C Y The staff editorial is the majority opinion of the editorial board of The Brown Daily Herald. The editorial viewpoint does not necessarily reflect the views of The Brown Daily Herald, Inc. Columns and letters reflect the opinions of their authors only. LETTERS TO THE EDITOR POLICY Send letters to letters@browndailyherald.com. Include a telephone number with all letters. The Herald reserves the right to edit all letters for length and cannot assure the publication of any letter. Please limit letters to 250 words. Under special circumstances writers may request anonymity, but no letter will be printed if the author’s identity is unknown to the editors. Announcements of events will not be printed. ADVERTISING POLICY The Brown Daily Herald, Inc. reserves the right to accept or decline any advertisement in its discretion.
THE BROWN DAILY HERALD
OPINIONS TUESDAY, APRIL 2, 2002 · PAGE 11
Top ten reasons why I’m the best Herald columnist ever I’m better than Peter Asen, Dmitri Seals, Abby Shoben, Carl Takei, Stephen Beale, Kerala Goodkin, Brett Cohen... RECENTLY IN THE RATTY, I HEARD (The TWC, The Fantasy Gaming Society, ramblings to the effect that The Herald’s Pacifica House), but not I. Let’s take a stroll opinions page sucks freakishly diminutive through that hotbed of hell-raising comdick, that it hasn’t been the same since prising my catalog of columns for The those sexy señoritas Jennie Kerson and Herald. Freshman year, there was my brilliant Merrie Ringel graduated. Well, let me tell exposé of University Food you, I almost deep-throated Services entitled “Doesn’t the my hot dog in disgust. How Ratty suck?” Sophomore year, could any rational human I delved even deeper with an being hate my columns up-close-and-personal look and/or “Buffy the Vampire at the tenor of discourse on Slayer”? And how could I not campus, ever-so-cleverly defend my good name as the monikered, “Geez, everybody best columnist ever to grace has an opinion.” My crowning The Herald’s opinions pages achievement as “The best against those callous demons? Herald columnist ever” came I thus present to you, the disRANDY GILES junior year, when I tackled the cerning Herald reader, a LOVE ME TENDER most divisive issue to divide point-by-point rebuttal, a list the Brown community: race. I of the top ten reasons why I ask you, how could a column am “The best Herald columentitled “You just have more melanin than nist ever.” I do” fail to win a Pulitzer? This year was a milestone for me in my 10. I’m not afraid to take a stand on conascension to the pinnacle of commentary troversial issues. In this world, there are passengers, and section history. Having resolved every single there are drivers. There are those who controversy plaguing our Ivy League minds, boldly go where no man has gone before, I broadened my horizons. Yup, there was a and there are those who masturbate and whole-wide world of nutbusting issues outdrown in a sea of their own vomit. There side those Van Wickle Gates that I had yet to are those opinions writers who are too pet- penetrate, and I emerged with orgiastic rified to take a stand on the tough, sensi- aplomb. Surf on over to Heraldsphere, tive issues, and then there’s me. I like where you can access the paradigm of perfect opinions pieces, “Why Summer is the cheese. In my eight semesters as a Herald opin- best season.” I leave you with one word: ions columnist, I have refused to cower in thong-tha-thong-thong-thong! fear in tackling every controversial issue faced by the Brown community. Some 9. I’m never pretentious. lesser writers may cower in fear of the I can’t help it if my ideas just happen to be repercussions of pissing off Brown’s most better than everyone else’s. But it would be powerful student leadership organizations selfish of me to withhold my superior knowledge from others. That’s why I took Randy Giles ’03 possesses an uncanny phys- the initiative in founding The Herald’s first ever columnist symposium, a forum at ical resemblance to Alex Schulman ’03. He which we everyone can debate important enjoys postmodernist poetry, grotesquely topics, and I can impart my wisdom uponoverweight felines, sucking blood and the the plebiscites. Love, me. company of Gregory Cooper ’01.
8. My Colums never need editing. Its a fact that your stupid if you’re colums need editing. Everytime I right a column I show those Herald opinions editors whose boss. 7. I’m not afraid to tackle “Real World” issues Some columnists just, like, don’t get that you need to talk about the important things to engage the intelligent reader, the poignant “Real World” issues that shape our lives. Just think about all the milestones the MTV generation has had the privilege of witnessing in our short lifetimes…Nicole finally bedded Bobby. Irene went wacko and whacked sexually ambiguous Stephen. And Puck! Lick your lips in anticipation for next week’s insightful exploration of the American teenage female psyche’s obsession with surgical enhancement: “Keri: collagen or swarm of venomous bees?” 6. Homosexuality is a sin. Well, just take a look at the irrefutable facts. It totally is. On a side note, hot Brown guys (six-pack obligatory) can e-mail me at HornyHomo@hotmail.com, or visit me at Viva Thursday nights. I’ll be wearing a sensual sweater-vest. 5.“Missing a deadline” is a phrase absent from my vocabulary. When you are as gifted as I, you will understand that one can only writes when the spirit moves him. For some, such a revelatory experience only occurs once in a lifetime. Salinger wrote “The Catcher in the Rye” and then locked himself in a cave. Consider my masterpiece forthcoming. 4. My punctuation and grammar is impeccable. All my cogent arguments are as clear as
day to understand, because I am truly a grammar god. When I sit in front of my computer to make a point — and as I do so, I can’t help but think about my girlfriend’s exceedingly taut breasts and churlish demeanor, with one thought on my mind (as my brain becomes engorged with the analyticity of the syllogism of the profundity of the epistemological truths stemming from a solipsistic metaphysical worldview, assuming one accepts the principles of verificationism in conjunction with reductivism), to have sex on a daily basis — punctuation, ensures, that, you, comprehend, the, brilliance, of, my, work. 3. I always find compelling statistics to back up my points of view I implore you, what good are opinions pieces if they’re not grounded in empirical data gathered from respectable souces? It’s a statistical tautology that all of my columns are journalistic endeavors. Remember my incredibly inflammatory propaganda piece on why the Brown Jug should cease to receive UFB funding because they made fun of me? Well, I backed that sucker up with some stunning statistics from a French web page. Check out this web site, and I’m sure you’ll have no choice but to agree avec moi: http://www.google.fr/search?q=cache:W M1GjPprf3YC:www.lacitehot.com/+porno graphie&hl=fr 2. I never make inflammatory statements just for the sake of getting attention President Simmons is a hooker. Where do you really think all that money for needblind admissions is coming from? 1. I’m a white, conservative male Thus, I bring a refreshing and much-needed diversity to the Herald opinions section.
RISD students responsible for Faunce vandalism Instead of racial profiling, BUPS should have engaged in a search for malicious magic markers W I T H A L L T H E C O N T R O V E R S Y beautification of Thayer. It’s all a little surrounding racial profiling on campus, suspicious. Which is why it makes sense I’m afraid the real problem might get that that the RISD students have been overlooked. Who is in fact vandalizing using this abundance of free time to forour beloved Faunce House? Unlike the mulate the ultimate plan for vandalizing police who are content to assume it’s Faunce. And we’re buying right into it. Everyone is quick to blame the poor probably someone black, I have my own kids from Hope High School, ideas as to whom the culprits but the truth is they’re as may be. I think it’s the RISD innocent as someone with a students. Brown ID. We all know there They have the supplies. were better things to do in No one can deny that. There high school than vandalize are plenty of markers at property — like smoke pot RISD. and drink beer. So we look And they have the motive: the other way. And the RISD to share their gift. kids on Thayer laugh on. All And who would ever susof them are having a good pect them? Wouldn’t they laugh at our gullible, elitist GAVIN SHULMAN always be too busy “designLIKE IT IS selves. How quickly we ing”? It’s the perfect alibi. became a pawn in their And yet I wonder, what are game. How quickly we overthey designing down there? If you ask me, for having the number one looked the obvious. A crime of art, and art school in the country next door, I we don’t blame the artists next door. We don’t see many murals around. Some blame the minority students down the statues? A garden? Something pretty? street. That is why we should fight back. That The area is obviously in need of a little work, and the RISD students seem to be is why we must do something. That is in no rush designing any plans for the why the police should be on the lookout for anyone who dresses a little different. Someone wearing abnormal clothing. Or Contrary to the belief of Randy Giles ’03, with weird things in their ears. Or purple Gavin Shulman ’05 is the best Herald opinhair. Anyone who looks expressive ions columnist in its 136-year history.
should be considered a suspect and extremely dangerous. If one is witnessed crossing towards the Brown University campus they should be stopped and searched for possession of anything artistic. No one different should be allowed on the Brown campus. We must close our gates to weirdos. Safety first. Vandalism is a serious problem and one that should not be taken lightly. If our walls are not safe, are we? We must declare a war on vandalism. We must invade RISD. With the eight unarmed BUPS officers, four guys with yellow ponchos, and the cop on the horse leading the way. We must prove to them our strength. Show them who’s boss. Make sure they know where they stand. Let them know their “artwork” is not welcome. Because everyone at RISD is a vandal. One decides to graffiti, they all decide to do graffiti. Who can tell the difference between those oddly-dressed, big-briefcase-carrying freaks anyway? You ask me, all they got in those “portfolios” of theirs are the layouts of a pictograph for the Underground bathroom stall. All portfolios must be checked. I really am surprised that BUPS did not figure this all out already. Obviously BUPS was in hard pursuit of these “mis-
creants” so I really am shocked they hadn’t tried other lines of reasoning. Especially with their “courage to question a minority.” What were they afraid of? A Sharpie to the groin? In this town, being artistic is a “physical characteristic just as height, weight and age are.” So what more could they have been looking for? A plan should be in motion. If being artistic “was not a factor in the decision in questioning the students, then it certainly should have been.” The crime was putting pictures on the wall. Kind of like museums. And, unless Mrs. Vogler’s 10th grade Art II class was taking a field trip, I’m willing to bet the Hope High School kids were not that interested in participating in any museum activities. You know who does love museums though? RISD kids. They love the exposure. To me the problem seems simple. Everything adds up. The access, the incentive, the opportunity, the desire, the publicity. What else do we need? Crime solved. The RISD students are to blame. So, David Williams ’05, Mike Smith ’05 and the officer who remains nameless, should all shake hands, smile big for the cameras and sweep the whole incident under the rug. And we should arm BUPS so they can handle the RISD problem once and for all.
THE BROWN DAILY HERALD
SPORTS TUESDAY APRIL 2, 2002 · PAGE 12
Ahh...getting to touch some of my readers THERE ARE BOTH GOOD AND BAD things about being a sports columnist for the Herald. On the one hand, I have pretty much absolute freedom when it comes to my topic. As long as it’s related to sports, I can write about it. On the other hand, like many of the top sports journalists of our day, I just get too many reader e-mails to handle. Almost every day, my email box is BEAT NICK SEE NICK’SVIEW constantly flooded with messages from my loyal readers commenting on my columns or asking my opinion on the top sports issues of the day. So, as a result, I am devoting this column to you, the reader, by answering a select group of the e-mails I have received over the last month or so. Wilbur from Montreal writes: “Nick, your columns are unbelievably good. Every other week, I wait with great anticipation for your insight into the sports community. I just want to say thank you.” First of all, your remarks are greatly appreciated. Its good to know that even with an irregular publishing schedule for my columns, that I have built up a strong readership. Secondly, it’s nice to see that I have some fans in Canada. It’s some nice country you have up there. Gary from Chicago writes: “How do you feel about the fact that a welltrained monkey could have done better than you in picking this year’s Final Four teams?” Of course, for every complimentary e-mail I get, I probably get about double the amount of negative messages. It’s just part of the business, I guess. And when you incorrectly pick three of the four teams (after the round of 16) you just have to accept the criticism that comes with it. Jane from Miami writes: “I have to say that I LOVE ‘See Nick’s View’ as the name of your column. I think puns are sexy. ‘See Nick’s View’… scenic view… I don’t know that it gets any better than that.” I think the puns are what keeps my strong female readership coming back time after time. On a related note: A fish ran into a wall … dam. Hubert from Pittsburgh writes: “Did Derek Bell get the idea to start ‘Operation Shutdown’ after reading your columns, because it seems like your columns have been in shutdown mode as of late.” I think everyone and their mother has made an “Operation Shutdown” joke in the past few weeks, so we’ll leave this personal attack at that. For those that don’t know, Bell threatened to go into “Operation Shutdown” after learning that he might not be in the starting line-up this season. He has since been released. And what kind of name is Hubert? Josh from Brookline writes: “Nick, is this the Red Sox’s year? I think with a healthy Nomar and Pedro this team is simply top notch.” I predict that Pedro will win 30 games and Nomar will hit .400. The Red Sox will run away with the AL East see NICK, page 8
Title IX reversed, womens’ teams cut Women’s hockey, volleyball, Maggie Haskins first casualties BY MAX POWER
In a stunning reversal, on March 26th the Supreme Court repealed Title IX of the Amendments to the Higher Education Act, which among other things required schools to match the percentage of female students with the percentage of female athletes. The decision was extremely relevant to Brown, as the school became the focus of the controversy surrounding Title IX when it was sued in Amy Cohen et. al. v. Brown University et. al for noncompliance. As a result of the dramatic turnaround, Brown has decided to make some immediate and drastic changes to the shape of its athletic program. First off, the school eliminated women’s hockey and volleyball. Although both sports featured championship seasons, with the hockey team making it to the NCAA finals and the volleyball team winning an Ivy League title, Brown felt that both sports were “just not performing up to expectations” and they needed to send a message that “failure was unacceptable”. Although players and coaches for neither team could be reached, protests are scheduled to take place outside of Meehan Auditorium and the Pizzitola Athletic Center on Wednesday and Thursday at 5:18 p.m. Joining in on the protests will be athletes from the women’s water polo, women’s tennis and women’s basketball teams, whose sports were cut in a random lottery by Brown Athletic Director David Roach. However the major repercussion of the Supreme Court’s decision was the move by Brown to reduce the number of players that the softball team would be allowed to carry during the season. By having the team trim its roster, Brown forced first-year softball Head see TITLE IX , page 8
Ari Gerstman / Red Wings Superfan
Maggie Haskins ’04 may one day be a figure skating champion, but today you might find her on the curb of Thayer St. looking for work.
Cianci’s ‘special fund’ helps build new Brown arena BY HAYWOOD JABLOMIE
pimped out leather couches that are excellent for hooking up on. The envy of all Dairy Queen employees, Cuban’s chosen few are truly community servants who hold themselves to the highest standards. So far, the staff includes Darryl Strawberry, Ruben Rivera, and Kenyon Martin. While many local residents thought the store would be a great addition to the town, several recent incidents have many thinking otherwise. Eleven children reported problems with
After months of preparation, Brown University has announced plans to build a new basketball arena to replace the Pizzitola Center, which is to be torn down later this month. Construction is set to begin on the 12,994-seat $68M Cianci Fieldhouse in May and is to be completed by September of the 2002-2003 academic year. While the Pizzitola has been the scene of Brown basketball mayhem for the past 12 years, recently it has not met the needs of a rapidly growing fan base. “We’ve had an unprecedented four sellouts over the last two years, and sadly, each time we’ve had to turn people away at the door,” said Dave Roach, Brown’s Athletic Director. “It’s disappointing that students are forced to perform oral favors just to watch the game.” The Cianci Fieldhouse is a big step up from the Pizzitola (capacity 2,800), and supplants Providence College’s Dunkin Donuts Center (12,993) as the largest sports arena in the city of Providence. Third-year coach Glenn Miller believes the new facility will create better recruiting opportunities, larger crowds and a basketball program that will compete annually on the national level. “If you build it, they will cum,” Miller whispered before fading out of a teleconference interview. The funding for the building will come from the Brown endowment, completely
see CUBAN, page 7
see SPECIAL FUND, page 8
Martin Mulkeen / Sandwich Personifier
When asked what sandwich he would be, Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban said he would be a “Geoff’s Frigid Bitch.” He gave no reason why.
Mark Cuban’s Dairy Queen: Not just serving ice cream BY TAREK MOOLANDER
After an excellent one day stay at a Dairy Queen, Marc Cuban has decided to open a franchise of his own that is run by current and former professional athletes. Following the tradition of absolutely decked out employee facilities of the Mavericks, Cuban has hooked up Dairy Queen’s finest with the most extravagant “Employees Only” bathroom facility. Every stall comes fully equipped with flat screen TV’s, those guys at clubs who hold paper towels for you and cologne and crap, state-of-the-art “automatic wipers” and