Love Yourself by Ariela Kellerman ’22

Love Yourself

by Ariela Kellerman ’22

I used to hate myself. I hated how I looked, I hated that I was shy and the outsider of my friends. I hated feeling unaccomplished and dumb, and lastly, I hated that I wasn’t one of the popular girls. Every time I was disappointed in myself or messed up, I started hearing a voice inside my head that would tell me that I was a failure. How many of you sitting in the audience have said those words to yourself? For so many years, I listened to my voice inside my head until I was 15 years old. I believed that if these things were true of me then I didn’t deserve to be loved until I was ‘perfect’. For fifteen years I allowed these thoughts of judgment, unacceptance, fear, and hate to poison my mind.

Growing up, the love I was most familiar with was toxic and selfish. It often left me feeling shamed and neglected. I wanted someone to love me no matter how I looked, or what I could or could not do. The emotional neglect I had felt for so many years, turned into an unhealthy need for attention and a quest to find someone who could love me. I chased after a love that would make me happy, accept me, and see me. However, as I experienced many different relationships, I began to discover that the love I wanted was not truly what I desired and was often not enough.

My unbalanced idea of love had left me broken. I was so unhappy down by the shame of not being ‘perfect’, and I was constantly disappointed when relationships did not work out. I had chased after love and approval from others for so long, and when all failed I realized that I had no idea who I was. My true self had been hidden away behind shame and fear. I was a shadow of an existence that was not genuine to my soul. I realized I had to choose, would I continue to live my life quiet, unhappy, and trapped? Or would I take a chance and be brave enough to be me and to especially love myself?

I was scared. I had never trusted myself. So, I had no idea what the other side of neglect would look like. One step at a time, I pushed back and started to say no to all of the negative voices that were inside my head. One step at a time I let go of the need to be validated and loved by another person. Then I turned to myself and promised that I would never again be my enemy, I would become my own friend. I knew me the best. I saw myself- truly, and I knew I would never experience true authentic existence and love.

At first loving myself was hard. I experienced different forms of negativity as I started to leave behind toxic relationships with people, but one of the biggest things I experienced was loneliness. I had been focused on being enough for everyone but myself for so long that when I began to push back, leaving me alone and vulnerable to the unknown. Yet, during this season of loneliness, I found strength in the friends that stood by me and showed me what true love really means, and I found that I was enough for myself.

Today I am thinking a lot differently. I am not letting the negative thoughts get to me. Loving myself has taught me that I no longer need to define my worth by another person’s standards. It has also enabled me to face myself, see every part of me and completely accept who I am, and, although I still battle the negative voices in my head at times, I no longer believe them.

Loving myself has taught me to give myself grace and to trust that there is beauty in my heart. Through self-love my heart has become more understanding and dynamic. I used to believe the only kind of fulfilling love was between two people, but, the purest love cannot exist between us until we have learned how to truly love ourselves.

Next time you go looking for love, instead of searching for another person, find yourself and love yourself . Because when the day comes for you to let another person into your life, it will no longer be about needing someone to love the parts of you that you cannot, but rather, it will be about finding someone who can love you as much as you already love yourself.