The Pulse 12.05 » January 29, 2015

The Pulse

CHATTANOOGA'S WEEKLY ALTERNATIVE

january 29, 2015

Family Fun On the Rocks Where climbing the walls is a good thing

By Steven Disbrow

MUSIC

arts

screen

NATIVE HIP-HOP

sculpture fun

roll cameras

RAP MUNEY felt delight 54 film fest

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Contents

The Pulse CHATTANOOGA'S WEEKLY ALTERNATIVE

EDITORIAL

Managing Editor Gary Poole Contributing Editor Janis Hashe

January 29, 2015 Volume 12, Issue 5

Contributors David Traver Adolphus • Rich Bailey Paula Berard • Rob Brezsny John DeVore • Kevin Hale Matt Jones • Marc T. Michael Ernie Paik • Rick Pimental-Habib Gary Poole • Alex Teach Cartoonists & Illustrators Rick Baldwin • Max Cannon Jen Sorenson • Tom Tomorrow

Features

Editorial Interns Eugene Campbell • Gavin Gaither Kristina Kelly

4 BEGINNINGS: Time for the Super Bowl—but does God care?

Founded 2003 by Zachary Cooper & Michael Kull

10 airbag: Car companies are starting to make cars that are both efficient and exciting.

ADVERTISING

Director of Sales Mike Baskin Account Executives Chee Chee Brown • Julie Brown Angela Lanham • Rick Leavell Chester Sharp • Stacey Tyler

12 SCREEN: Filmmakers, start your engines for 54.

CONTACT

Offices 1305 Carter St. Chattanooga, TN 37402 Phone 423.265.9494 Fax 423.266.2335 Website chattanoogapulse.com Email info@chattanoogapulse.com BREWER MEDIA GROUP Publisher & President Jim Brewer II THE FINE PRINT: The Pulse is published weekly by Brewer Media and is distributed throughout the city of Chattanooga and surrounding communities. The Pulse covers a broad range of topics concentrating on music, the arts, entertainment, culture and local news. The Pulse is available free of charge, limited to one copy per reader. No person without written permission from the publisher may take more than one copy per weekly issue.

The Pulse may be distributed only by authorized distributors.

Contents Copyright © 2015 by Brewer Media. All rights reserved.

6

Family Fun On the Rocks

If you’ve ever suspected that your children want you dead, there’s an easy way to tell that’s pretty definitive: They ask you to take them rock climbing.

14

Heartfelt Sculptures of Animals

Cathy Stone makes adorable animals out of wool and a needle.

I leafed through photos of her work: a brown horse with a black mane, her daughter-in-law’s hedgehog, a shepherd, a Westie, a Corgi…and then, “Oh, my heavens! This looks like our dog.”

20

A Chattanooga Rapper Returns

Music called to Bran Muney at an early age. By the time he was eight years old, he knew he wanted to rap. Inspired by his father and encouraged by his cousins (DJ Mike in particular), Bran set out to hone his musical skills.

WE UNCOVER TREASURES! For 16 years we have done the hunting to offer you unique architectural artifacts and antiques. Come and browse often for that one-of-kind piece. You never know what will arrive here next!

16 ARTS CALENDAR 18 TECH: Is Chattanooga the Galapagos of the Internet?

22 MUSIC CALENDAR 24 REVIEWS: Finding William Onyeabor, jingling with Mark Robinson.

27 FREE WILL ASTROLOGY 28 consider this 29 JONESIN’ CROSSWORD 22 on the beat: Waxing poetic on his least-favorite driving techniques.

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news • views • rants • raves

BEGINNINGS

updates » CHATTANOOGApulse.com facebook/chattanoogapulse EMAIL LOVE LETTERS, ADVICE & TRASH TALK TO INFO@CHATTANOOGAPULSE.COM

The Agnostic Sports Fan Speaks Out Time for the Super Bowl—but does God care about football?

“

It seems odd to many that God would help a pro football player score a touchdown while He allows untold amounts of suffering to occur.”

The most exciting football game of championship weekend was undoubtedly the Seattle Seahawks come-from-behind win over the Green Bay Packers. And without fail, the Seahawks’ quarterback Russell Wilson broke down in tears thanking God for the victory. Now, God may have pushed the team into the Super Bowl, but as an agnostic observer, I think hard proof points as far back as their Super Bowl win last year.

This may be a good time to define “agnostic.” An agnostic is a person who believes that nothing is known

or can be known of the existence or nature of God or of anything beyond material phenomena. Agnostics adhere to scientific principles.

There has never been a better time for sports science than now. And there is no football player who demonstrates brains and brawn better than Seahawks’ cornerback Richard Sherman.

You may know the outspoken Sherman from kevin hale his dreadlocks and his Campbell’s Soup commercials. What you may not know is the all-pro corner graduated from Stanford with a 3.9 GPA. In addition to his brains, he’s been the NFL’s interception leader since 2012.

ESPN’s Sport Science analyzed Sherman from every standpoint, finding the cornerback the most impressive they tested. Sherman’s no-step vertical jump came in at 38 inches. That’s two inches higher than former NBA slam-dunk champ Vince Carter.

Sherman has some extraordinary athletic ability—whether he believes in God or not.

He has said that he believes in God, but also credits his parents for support to excel in both school and sports. So, are his parents responsible for his success—or is his belief in God? A common argument is, “Why would God care about the outcome of a sporting event?”

It seems odd to many that God would help a pro football player score a touchdown while He allows untold amounts of suffering to oc-

Views

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cur.

The other side of the argument is that God didn’t decide the outcome of the game, but just gave the athlete the will to win the game. So, does that mean the losers have less faith?

We start to tread in some uncertain spiritual territory.

Back to Seattle’s Super Bowl win last year. The favorite was Peyton Manning and the Denver Broncos. His integrity makes him a role model to million, plus he is a devout Christian. So why did Manning play his worst when it mattered most? Did Wilson say something to God to sway things in his favor last year?

Football is a team sport. But the quarterback gets all the credit in a win and all the blame in a loss. The praise should go to the Seahawks’ swarming defense that gave a total team effort in last year’s Super Bowl.

Packers’ quarterback Aaron Rogers came out after this year’s loss saying he doesn’t think God cares about football games. Obviously, he and Wilson disagree. But no matter who wins this year’s Super Bowl, chances are no one is going to budge on whether they think God contributed to their win—or not.

EdiToon

by Rick Baldwin

Chattacon’s Back at the Choo Choo Immerse yourself in fantasy worlds and “Firefly” drinking songs at the 40th Annual Chattacon. This speculative fiction convention will be held Jan. 30 through Feb. 1 at the Chattanooga Choo Choo. Events start Friday at 5 p.m.

Guests of honor are Julie E. Czerneda, Kathleen Ann Goonan, and Tobias Buckell. Alan M. Clark and David Deitrick are the featured artist guests. Special guest Adam-Troy Castro will be one of many

authors performing readings. Stephanie Osborn and other authors will have signings throughout the weekend.

Enjoy watching Robot Battles, independent film screenings, and a costume promenade. You can also attend writing workshops, a live painting demonstration, an art slide show, and a belly dance class. Discussion panels feature topics such as the relationship between music and fandom, advanced costuming

IN THIS ISSUE

Steven Disbrow Our cover story this week is written

by Steven Disbrow, a computer programmer by profession who specializes in e-commerce and mobile systems development. But wait, there’s more.

Much more. He’s also an entrepreneur, comic-book nerd, writer, improviser, actor,

techniques, writing about alien culture, and the evolution of vampires in popular media.

Youth events include a wand-making workshop and “Frozen Fun,” a marshmallow activity inspired by the popular Disney film.

Weekend memberships are $50 for adults and $35 for ages 8-12. Children under 8 are free with a paid adult badge. Single-day registrations are not available. For a detailed schedule of the convention and more registration information, visit chattacon.org — Kristina Kelly

Rich Bailey sometime television personality and parent of two human children. He’s anxiously awaiting the results of the experiment that will prove whether or not the universe is a massive simulation. If it is, he’d like to have a chat with the idiot that coded the bits where we kill each other for no damn good reason. His column on all things science, “Just A Theory”, runs monthly here in The Pulse. Watch out, Neil deGrasse Tyson!

"Tech Talk" columnist Rich Bailey is a professional writer, editor and (sometimes) public relations consultant. After promoting insurance and Chattanooga professionally (but not at the same time), he freelanced from 2001 to 2012, which allowed time for

neat hobbies like getting bad publicity for neighborhoodthreatening institutions.

Despite leading a project to create Chattanooga’s first civic web site in 1995 before even owning a modem, he is not much of an early adopter but avidly covers Chattanooga technology for The Pulse, as well as various arts and entertainment events here in the Scenic City. He splits his time between Chattanooga and Manhattan. chattanoogapulse.com • jjanuary 29-February 4 • The Pulse • 5

COVER STORY

Family Fun On the Rocks Where climbing the walls is a good thing Story by Steven Disbrow Photographs by Elena Nikolaeva, Logan, Maia and Steven Disbrow

I

f you’ve ever suspected that your children want you dead, there’s an easy way to tell that’s pretty definitive: They ask you to take them rock climbing.

A few weeks ago, my daughter Maia came to me and asked if I’d be willing to go rock climbing with her at High Point Climbing and Fitness downtown.

“Remember where I went for that birthday party? It’s perfectly safe.

Even for old, out-of-shape people.”

“Old…? Honey, I’m in my 40s.

I’m not old.”

“Well, you’re really out of shape.”

“I have a shape!”

As she continued to press me on it, going on and on about how I would die soon if I didn’t get some sort of exercise, I actually began to fantasize about falling from a great height. Eventually, she informed me that as her father I was supposed to be setting a good example for her and her brother. A healthy, happy, fit example. Therefore, I had to do it. I reluctantly agreed.

After taking some time to get my affairs in order, I gathered up both of the kids (Maia and her brother Logan) and my Significant Other (Elena) and we headed downtown to Mellow Mushroom to begin our adventure. (One nice thing about

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High Point is that it’s right next to the ’Shroom. I figured that if I was about to fall to my death, my last meal should be a good one.) Eventually, the meal ended and my children dragged me across the alley to High Point.

Of course, since rock climbing is dangerous, you have to fill out a waiver before you can even pay.

You either do this on-site, using one of the two terminals they have in the lobby, or you can fill them out at home by visiting their web site, highpointclimbing.com. Maia had been climbing there recently, so I knew the drill. To save time, I filled out waivers for everyone at home and presented them when we walked in the door.

Within minutes, we were all pulling on climbing harnesses and struggling with what can only be described as the most uncomfortable shoes I’ve ever worn. Seriously. Imagine bowling shoes that have teeth and hate feet. Of course, I had recently injured one of my feet and Elena is normally on her feet all day, so we might just be

biased against anything that isn’t made by Crocs. The kids didn’t have any issues at all with the shoes, and, realistically, you need the shoes to be tight if you are going to be climbing up rock walls. To be fair, after a couple hours of climbing, the rest of me was so sore that I had forgotten all about how much the shoes hurt.

Once we were geared up, a very friendly fellow, who was also named Logan, gave us a brief 10-minute orientation and safety talk. This was actually pretty neat. High Point has a lot of safety features in place and Logan was very thorough describing them all. When he was done, I was actually anxious to tackle my first wall.

Arriving in the kiddie section, Maia first double-checked my harness and then showed me how to attach the autobelay device.

Now, if you don’t know, “belaying” is where someone holds the lower end of the rope to which a climber is attached.

The rope is passed through a belay device and as the climber climbs, the “belayer” takes up the slack in the rope and uses the belay device to apply friction to the rope. The point of all this is that if (when) the climber falls, the friction provided by the belayer and the belay device prevent them from falling too far.

The auto-belay devices that High Point provides are pretty amazing. It’s basically a climb-

ing rope, anchored to the top of the wall, that you attach yourself to. When you fall, it uses hydraulics to “catch” you and lower you to the ground.

Pretty much every wall in High Point has one or more of them in place. This is good, because without them High Point would be just another niche “adventure sports” place.

With them however, it’s possible to have the whole family take part in climbing. (While we were there, we saw kids as young as 7 climbing with their parents, all thanks to the autobelay systems.)

Going into the evening, Maia had bet me that I wouldn’t be able to “drag that old carcass” of mine more than three feet

“

Looking down, I realized two things: • I had earned my daughter’s respect for the first time since she became a teenager.

• I had no idea how I was going to get down.”

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off the ground. I was eager to prove her wrong, and I scampered up my first wall, reaching the top in fairly short order.

Looking down, I realized two things: • I had earned my daughter’s respect for the first time since she became a teenager.

• I had no idea how I was going to get down.

It was at this point that I became aware with growing horror that, oddly, one of the few things Logan had left out of his orientation speech was how to actually use the auto-belay to descend.

At this point, Maia’s respect turned to amusement as she tried to coax me down from the wall.

“Just fall backwards.”

“How about…NO?” “It will catch you. Trust me.”

“Ha! I’m too fat! You tell me so every day! It’s going to snap!”

“You are too fat, yes. That’s true.

But, these things are rated to catch someone at least as big as you. Just fall backwards.”

So—I fell backwards, and, again, I realized two things: • I wasn’t going to die! After a sickening half a second, I felt the hydraulics kick in. The rope went taught and I was lowered to the ground.

• I wasn’t positioned correctly. In fact, I was basically flat on my back, and the ground was coming at me a lot faster than I would like.

Landing on my back, I realized that while I wasn’t hurt, I didn’t want to do that again. So I took some time learning how to use the auto-belay to dismount the wall from lower heights.

And, because I love you guys, I’m going to share the proper way to dismount a wall. (Remember to practice this at low heights to start with.)

Keeping your feet on the wall, grab the rope with your hands and begin

“I was pleased to find that, despite gravity’s best efforts, I was basically unharmed. More importantly, I felt a real sense of accomplishment. I had climbed a wall. Several walls, in fact. ” to fall backwards, like one of those cliché “trust” exercises. When you feel the auto-belay grab hold, push off with your feet and bound down the wall. Make sure your final push away is slightly stronger than the rest, so that you end up with your feet beneath you just as you reach the floor.

Otherwise, you’ll land on your back and that can be pretty painful. It is, at a minimum, hilarious to any kids you brought with you.

Honestly, the most difficult part of the whole night, for me, was learning to trust the auto-belay. Once I did that, however, I found that climbing is actually a lot of fun.

Of course, the kids had a blast. Both of them love to climb things and High Point is a place where they can indulge that without me having to worry about them getting seriously injured.

As I mentioned earlier, there were quite a few families there. Every one

of them I spoke to had been coming for months (if not longer) and they all said the same things: High Point is a great place to take the whole family. It’s fun, it’s safe, it’s a great bonding experience and it’s challenging in the best sense of the word. When you finish up for the night, you’re sore, but you want to do it again.

High Point also seems to be a good place to bring a date. There were quite a few couples there on the night we were climbing. And, of course, you can have a birthday party there, too.

Something I didn’t realize when I walked into High Point is that it’s also a full gym. To be sure, it’s not as “hard core” as a place like Gold’s Gym, but they have a decent selection of equipment that complements the focus on climbing so that you can easily get a full workout. They also offer yoga and spin classes.

Just like other gyms, you can buy full year’s membership for yourself or your entire family. Or, you can do like we did and just get day passes.

Day passes allow you full in/out privileges for the entire day and are actually a pretty good deal at $15.

(Equipment rental is extra, however. So the total ends up being a bit more than $20 per person.)

Finishing up for the night, I was pleased to find that, despite gravity’s best efforts, I was basically unharmed. More importantly, I felt a real sense of accomplishment. I had climbed a wall. Several walls, in fact.

Given my normally sedentary lifestyle (coding, writing, sleeping) that’s a pretty big deal for me. I’ve been needing an exercise outlet that makes me want to push myself, and High Point is exactly that. I’ll definitely be going back for more.

High Point Climbing and Fitness is at 219 Broad St. (423) 602-7625.

chattanoogapulse.com • jjanuary 29-February 4 • The Pulse • 9

2015: A New Hope Car companies are starting to make cars that are both efficient and exciting

“

Just as it was 45 years ago, building an almost entirely new class of vehicle requires a new engineering program, new production lines, new suppliers, new materials and who knows what else.”

Any major transition discause it had lower compresrupts everyone involved. A sion and restrictive exhaust marriage or divorce, movrecirculation systems that ing to a new home, changreduced power to produce ing jobs—it always takes lower emissions). a while to find your footAt the same time, manuing and start facturers operating at responded your prior to proposed level. new safety DAVID TRAVER The same standards ADOLPHUS is true of alwith the most anytragic “colthing. Plants don’t go from lonade coupes,” and at least winter to spring instantly; temporarily, the death of birds don’t hatch ready to the convertible. fly and car companies can Cars take a long, long time take a long, long time adapt and billions of dollars to get to new rules. And while to production, so if there’s they’re doing so, the results a change in either consumcan be ugly. er demand or regulations, It happened twice in the whether real or anticipated, early ’70s, more or less at there will be stopgaps. the same time. New emisCars from five years ago sions standards absolutely like the Toyota Prius or old killed performance (if you Honda Civic hybrid were ever hear an engine called stopgaps. They fulfilled “smog-choked,” it’s befuel economy rules and a

Air Bag

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2015 Jetta S

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A 1975 Buick Regal Coupe, here envying the design of a large squash. Photo © General Motors

desire for high-efficiency cars when gas was heading towards $4/gallon, but they were neither fun nor really very nice. If you love cars, it was a desperate-feeling time, the end of an era like 1971. They were the collonade coupes of the era.

Just as it was 45 years ago, building an almost entirely new class of vehicle requires a new engineering program, new production lines, new suppliers, new materials and who knows what else. It took a long time for those programs to develop cars that are both as appealing as those made

before the EPA got more serious about fuel economy.

Which is why now, when gas is a nickel, Ford is getting over 600 horsepower from a 3.5-liter EcoBoost V-6 when they might as well be making cars out of lead.

In the short term, this isn’t going to work out very well for Ford, Acura, Porsche, BMW or anyone else who’s building a new generation of ultra-high performance, high-efficiency engines.

Full-size SUV and luxury sales were up massively in 2014, especially towards the end of the year. I worked with a woman who owned

A 2017 Ford GT prototype. I shall have one for each day of the week. For efficiency. Photo © Ford

a Toyota Sequoia, which has a 26-gallon tank. I remember filling up at the same time she did and watching as she hit the pump’s $50 limit twice before she was full. That same tank of gas would be about $45 today and her 15 mpg—or the same in a Dodge Ram or 5.0-liter Ford F150 or Nissan Armada—is not a problem in the showroom.

Fortunately, sort of, we’re just about bottoming out on gas prices. The oil industry is always a boom-and-bust cycle and also suffers from the same problems with transitions as everything else. When oil is $100 a barrel, you can make a whole lot of money drilling oil shale in North Dakota, and that ends up as a whole lot of gas.

Oil was $45-$49 a barrel when I wrote this and American oil shale producers started to hit their breakeven point at around $80. Somewhere in the not too distant future, maybe as soon as this summer, America’s oil boom towns are going to start drying up and our oil will once again come

from people with whom America would really rather not do business.

I like getting change from a $20 bill at the gas station as much as anyone, but if you have any interest in having great cars to drive in five years, you should be hoping that low gas prices are a blip. There is a product pipeline full of amazing high-performance, fuel-efficient vehicles, and they are very complicated, hi-tech machines.

If there’s a cheaper alternative, like a big gas engine that offers the same performance but takes a hit in efficiency, that’s the one both manufacturers and buyers will want. The high-efficiency manufacturing machinery has taken years to turn on, but it can be turned off much faster, if there’s money to be made.

David Traver Adolphus is a freelance automotive researcher who recently quit his full time job writing about old cars to pursue his lifelong dream of writing about old AND new cars. He welcomes the inevitable and probably richly deserved kvetching about Airbag and anything else on Twitter as @proscriptus. chattanoogapulse.com • jjanuary 29-February 4 • The Pulse • 11

SCREEN SCENE

Filmmakers, Start Your Engines For 54 And it’s not too early to buy a badge for this year’s Chattanooga Film Festival

Big Opera On The Big Screen New York's Metropolitan Opera comes to East Ridge 18 Vittorio Grigolo and Matthew Polenzani take turns playing the tortured poet and unwitting adventurer of the title character in Jacques Offenbach’s Les Contes d’Hoffmann.

The equally important roles of the three heroines are shared by an impressive lineup of singing actresses, including Hibla Gerzmava, Susanna Phillips, Erin Morley, Audrey Luna, Christine Rice, and Elena Maximova.

The New York Times raves, saying Vittorio Grigolo as Hoffmann “soars” with “high notes [that] are strong and clear...Erin Morley was a remarkable Olympia, bringing rounded tone,

✴✴✴✴

dynamic variety and dramatic flair” to the role. Hibla Gerzmava sang Antonia “with a soprano that was softgrained yet penetrating...The elegant mezzo Kate Lindsey was Hoffmann’s friend Nicklausse, her voice silvery with a hint of cream...” Conductor Yves Abel “led a graceful, agile orchestral performance.”

Met Live: Offenbach’s “Les Contes d’Hoffman” Saturday, 12:55 p.m.

East Ridge 18 5080 S.Terrace, East Ridge metopera.or/hdlive

NEW IN THEATERS

✴✴✴✴

Black or White Project Almanac A grieving widower is drawn into a A group of teens discover secret plans contentious custody battle over his for a time machine, and construct granddaughter, whom he's helped one. However, things start to get out raise her entire life. of control.

Director: Mike Binder Director: Dean Israelite Stars: Kevin Costner, Octavia Stars: Amy Landecker, Spencer, Gillian Jacobs, Sofia Black-D'Elia, Virginia Anthony Mackie Gardner, Jonny Weston 12 • The Pulse • january 29-February 4, 2015 • chattanoogapulse.com

A

sign of a thriving film community is the presence of a multitude of festivals, each with a different purpose. It seems that every year there is a new and exciting festival waiting to showcase Chattanooga talent. Last year’s debut of the Chattanooga Film Festival (CFF) was a defining moment for the city, but smaller festivals share the responsibility of fostering a strong, dynamic community.

Screen JOHN DEVORE

“ 54 Film Fest is a competition held in several cities, with the express purpose of giving local filmmakers a chance to practice their craft and create original, captivating projects in a short amount of time.”

The Scenic City has a wealth of annual events, like the recent Jewish Film Festival and the Lookout Wild Film Festival, as well as newer events like Capture Chattanooga.

Very soon another festival, similar to Capture, will make its first appearance. Every year seems like the start of something new, and fans are certain to find a diverse assortment of film experiences in 2015.

54 Film Fest is a competition held in several cities, with the express purpose of giving local filmmakers a chance to practice their craft and create original, captivating projects in a short amount of time. It’s an exciting entry into the already-bustling world of Chattanooga film.

The rules for 54 Film Fest are simple: Filmmaking teams are given 54 hours from the end of the Inception Meeting until Drop Off to script, shoot, and edit a four-toseven-minute short film. Teams are given a genre, a prop, and a line of dialogue that have to be used in their short film.

After the first 24 hours, the teams will receive a call from the “executive producer,” who will provide

We Are Saving Mobile Lives another element to fold into the narrative. Teams that include the “curve ball” from the producer are eligible to win a special award at the end of the process.

Films will be screened at the Choo Choo Centennial Theater at the end of the competition and judged by industry professionals in a variety of categories, including Best Directing, Best Editing, Best Production Design, Best Writing, etc. 54 Film Fest is an innovative competition for Chattanooga filmmakers—anytime Chattanooga talent can be featured is worth the time spent.

The Inception Meeting will be held on Feb. 6 at the Choo Choo and the screening will be held on Feb. 27.

More information about 54 Film Fest can be found at 54filmfest.com.

As the 54 Film Fest begins, the CFF is making its own exciting announcements as it moves steadily towards its second year as a premier Southern film festival. Again, rumors are swirling around the potential films and guests that will descend upon the Majestic 12 during the first week of April.

Festival Director Chris Dortch and company have begun the planning process and Dortch is already

“insanely proud of what [they] have this year,” noting that they have “23 of our 43 [film] features locked.”

Three of those films have been announced on the CFF website: “Amira and Sam,” “The Keeping Room,” and “The Tribe.” These three represent a diverse cross-section of film genres, continuing the tradition of having something for every film fan in Chattanooga.

Of particular note is “The Tribe,” which is a thriller set at a boarding school for the deaf and told entirely in sign language. Dortch calls the film “a perfect example of film as a visual medium,” stating that “at no point do you not know what is going on.” It’s films of this type that make the festival experience so enthralling.

Too many times audiences are looked down on and spoon-fed easily digestible narratives without substance. Film festivals strip away those conventions and give audiences a

chance to see remarkable films told in unique and complicated ways.

But beyond just the three films announced last week, Dortch snuck me a few more titles that are coming to the CFF: “White God,” “Sunshine Superman,” “Tokyo Tribe,” “Spring,” and “The Slow West.” Several of these films were first shown at Cannes and the fact that they are coming to Chattanooga so soon afterwards is nothing short of astounding. “White God” and “Toyko Tribe” are particularly exciting, as is “The Slow West,” a Michael Fassbender Western drama written and directed by John Mclean.

Dortch has been at Sundance securing more titles and inviting more guests to round out an already-strong early lineup. If you haven’t bought your badge for the festival, now is the time to do so. If you want to get involved, go volunteer.

Filmmakers should look to the 54 Film Fest to hone their skills. We should all do something to support local film in Chattanooga. Good things are happening there.

For more information about the Chattanooga Film Festival, visit: www.chattanoogafilmfest.com

1906 Gunbarrel Rd. 423-486-1668 (Next to GiGi’s Cupcakes)

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chattanoogapulse.com • jjanuary 29-February 4 • The Pulse • 13

ARTS SCENE

Heartfelt Sculptures of Adorable Animals Cathy Stone’s pet portraits are irresistible Rodney Wiggens

For Kicks and Giggles...Grill Open mics give start-up stand ups a chance at laughs If you are a comic at any level, from those that have been on professional tours to those that have annoyed their girlfriends and showerheads with the same jokes for three months, heads up.

Giggles Grill, attached to The Comedy Catch at 3224 Brainerd Rd., has open mic comedy shows every other Saturday night. The next show is this Saturday, Jan. 31 at 8 p.m.

Comedian Rodney Alan Wiggins is currently in charge of the open mic nights. Early this month, he opened for former “SNL” cast member Rob Schneider at The Comedy Catch.

Arrive between 7:-7:30 p.m. to reserve a spot in the line-up. Each co-

median is given approximately five minutes of stage time and they can enjoy the rest of the show for free. If you prefer to sit in the audience and laugh, there is a $2 cash charge for the show.

There is also a two-drink minimum, but be aware of the 15 percent gratuity surcharge on all tabs before you order that sixth rum and coke.

The Comedy Catch and Giggles Grill is moving downtown in April, so there will only be a few more open mics at this location.

For more information, check out (and like) “Open Mic at Giggles Grill” on Facebook.

— Kristina Kelly

Thu1.29

fri1.30

sat1.31

symphony time

the king returns

musical theater

Chattanooga Symphony “Mendelssohn’s 4th”

Elvis Lives!

“Ragtime”

An unforgettable multimedia and live musical journey across Elvis' life. His iconic style, embraced by many of today's artists, continues to intrigue audiences of all generations.

7:30 p.m.

Tivoli Theatre 709 Broad Street (423) 757-5156 chattanoogaonstage.com

The neighborhoods of turn-of-the-century New York City mingle, clash, and ultimately enrich one another as songs pour out of characters trying to figure out their new identities.

7:30 p.m.

Ensemble Theatre of Chattanooga 5600 Brainerd Rd. (423) 602-8640

Mendelssohn’s majestic and compelling “Italian” Symphony, written from his travels throughout Europe and inspired by the color and atmosphere of Italy.

7:30 p.m.

Tivoli Theatre 709 Broad Street (423) 757-5156 chattanoogasymphony.org

14 • The Pulse • january 29-February 4, 2015 • chattanoogapulse.com

C

athy Stone makes adorable animals out of wool and a needle. And she can also make your animal! To make the felted creatures, she works from detailed photos.

Arts paula berard

“

Our dog Wishbone is the largest animal Stone has made so far, to get the design of his coloring right. The intricate detail is amazing.”

I leafed through photos of her work: a brown horse with a black mane, her daughter-in-law’s hedgehog, a shepherd, a Westie, a Corgi…and then, “Oh, my heavens! This looks like our dog. Do you know whose dog this is?” I said.

“That is your dog. That was my daughter’s idea.”

“That’s the last thing in the world I was expecting. He is so cute!” Holding a copy of your own animal in your palm is flabbergasting. You look, turn, exclaim, and look some more. Our dog Wishbone is the largest animal Stone has made so far, to get the design of his coloring right.

The intricate detail is amazing.

Stone has been a crafter for a long time.

She made brooms as an undergraduate at Berea College in Kentucky. She spent 15 years sewing for other people: slipcovers and bridesmaid dresses. More recently, she has made the tops for several quilts.

She also makes terrariums, including one out of a small syrup bottle from Cracker Barrel; it contains two tiny pine trees.

But Stone had empty-nest syndrome big time when her daughter left for college. She needed a new hobby, and found a book about making sculptural animals out of wool. So she bought a kit in Colorado and made a lamb: “Pretty much the easiest thing ’cause you stick all the curly fur on it,” a natural since the real ones sport wool, too. Later, she started adding detail to her creatures. These are not toys

to play with, but real works of art—hint: keep them away from small children and animals.

What gave her the idea to custommake them? “My daughter wanted her cat. She said, ‘Mom, can you make Nala?’” Then a friend asked Stone to make her bloodhound. And that’s how her career in custom felted animals began to blossom.

The wool “roving” she uses is loose, like cotton batting from a pill bottle.

Stone fluffs out a small amount and folds and rolls it until it resembles, say, a leg. Then she pokes it repeatedly with a felting needle, a long needle with tiny barbs on the end. The barbs grab onto the fibers and tangle them together. The more she pokes it, the denser the piece becomes. (It can get too tight, and then the fibers start to break.) The needle lands in a dense piece of foam behind the work. The surface details are added when it’s almost the final shape. The eyeballs are tiny beads she sews on.

Stone works out of a Tupperware

od is used to make the giraffe. She uses no armature to support her animals.

She made one horse with wires in it, but she broke too many needles trying to felt it, or it dulled the needles. Stone also makes Nativity scenes. The faces of people are not detailed; the eyes are mere indentations, but the charm and uniqueness are all there.

Starting in spring, Stone sells her ready-made animals at the Brainerd Farmer’s Market, the first Saturday of the month (10 a.m. to noon) in the parking lot of Grace Episcopal Church on Brainerd Road at Belvoir. Also, the new local garden shop Belvoir Gardens carries her animals; they featured her Nativity sets on their Facebook page.

But she gets most of her business through word of mouth, because, frankly, once you see the animals, you can’t resist. Prices start about $30 for her simpler animals, which is a bargain for a custom sculpture of a loved family member.

Contact Cathy Stone at (423) 3091196 or cathyastone@comcast.net

“The wool ‘roving’ she uses is loose, like cotton batting from a pill bottle. Stone fluffs out a small amount and folds and rolls it until it resembles, say, a leg. ” sandwich container that holds two pieces of foam, a few felting needles, and some wool roving in different colors. “This goes with me pretty much everywhere I go, along with a ZipLoc bag full of wool.” She buys most of her supplies online; woolpets.com is a favorite supplier. They sell their own kits and books by Laurie Sharp. In fact, that’s how she recommends Pulse readers start if they want to try needle felting.

Stone showed me pictures of two Great Pyrenees puppies made from their own fur (how meta can you get?).

The owner collected the fur from brushing the pups. Stone shampooed a bag full of puppy fur in order to get it ready to use…dog fur is not as easy to work with as sheep’s wool.

For a zebra, she made a white animal, and then added the black on top, one stripe at a time. The same meth-

chattanoogapulse.com • jjanuary 29-February 4 • The Pulse • 15

ARTS CALENDAR thursday1.29

for more info call 706.820.2531

See RockCity.com

Storytime Yoga for Families 5 p.m.

Chattanooga Public Library 1001 Broad St. (423) 757-5310 chattlibrary.org River City Sessions: “A View of ‘Storm in the Tennessee Valley’” 6 p.m.

The Hunter Museum of Art 12 Bluff View (423) 267-0968 huntermuseum.org Winter Workshop: “Fire By Friction” 6:30 p.m.

Outdoor Chattanooga 200 River St. (423) 643-6888 outdoorchattanooga.com “Ragtime” 7:30 p.m.

Ensemble Theatre of Chattanooga 5600 Brainerd Rd. (423) 602-8640 ensembletheatreofchattanooga.com CSO: “Mendelssohn’s 4th” 7:30 p.m.

Tivoli Theatre 709 BroadSt. (423) 757-5156 chattanoogasymphony.org Etta May 7:30 p.m.

The Comedy Catch 3224 Brainerd Rd. (423) 629--2233 thecomedycatch.com

16 • The Pulse • january 29-February 4, 2015 • chattanoogapulse.com

Chattacon

friday1.30 Chattacon 10 a.m.

Chattanooga Choo Choo 1400 Market St. chattacon.org “Ragtime” 7:30 p.m.

Ensemble Theatre of Chattanooga 5600 Brainerd Rd. (423) 602-8640 ensembletheatreofchattanooga.com Elvis Lives!

7:30 p.m.

Tivoli Theatre 709 Broad St. (423) 757-5156 chattanoogaonstage.com Etta May 7:30, 9:45 p.m.

Pulse Pick: Etta May What’s the best way to describe Etta May? “Minnie Pearl with a migraine.” She is the reigning Queen of Southern Sass.

Etta May Thursday-Saturday The Comedy Catch 3224 Brainerd Rd. (423) 629-2233 thecomedycatch.com

The Comedy Catch 3224 Brainerd Rd. (423) 629-2233 thecomedycatch.com

saturday1.31 Chattacon 10 a.m.

Chattanooga Choo Choo 1400 Market St. chattacon.org Guided Hike of Moccasin Bend’s Blue Blazes Trail 9:30 a.m.

Moccasin Bend Golf Course 381 Moccasin Bend Rd. (423) 752-5213 nps.gov/chch St. Alban’s Hixson Farmers’ Market 10 a.m.

St. Alban’s Episcopal Church

7514 Hixson Pike (423) 842-1342 Brainerd Farmers’ Market 11 a.m.

Grace Episcopal Church 20 Belvoir Ave. (423) 698-0330 Met Live: Offenbach’s “Les Contes d’Hoffman” 12:55 p.m.

East Ridge 18 5080 S.Terrace, East Ridge metopera.or/hdlive African Dance for Kids Workshop with Rebekah Mawuko 2 p.m.

Highland Center Tuxedo Circle at Hollyberry Lane (423) 622-2862 The Picture Show 3:30 p.m.

Chattanooga Public Library 1001 Broad St. (423) 757-5310 chattlibrary.org Ron White 7:30 p.m.

Tivoli Theatre 709 Broad St. (423) 757-5156 chattanoogaonstage.com “Ragtime” 7:30 p.m.

Ensemble Theatre of Chattanooga 5600 Brainerd Rd. (423) 602-8640 ensembletheatreofchattanooga.com Etta May 7:30, 9:45 p.m.

The Comedy Catch

ARTS CALENDAR

Ron White 3224 Brainerd Rd. (423) 629-2233 thecomedycatch.com

sunday2.1 Chattacon 10 a.m.

Chattanooga Choo Choo 1400 Market St. chattacon.org “Point of View” 10 a.m.

River Gallery 400 E. 2nd St. (800) 374-2923 river-gallery.com The Creative Underground in Celebration of Black History Month Noon Hunter Museum of Art 10 Bluff View (423) 267-0968 huntermuseum.org “Ragtime” 2:30 p.m.

Ensemble Theatre 5600 Brainerd Rd. (423) 602-8640 ensembletheatreofchattanooga.com “The Moons of Jupiter” 6 p.m Jones Observatory 10 Tuxedo Rd. (423) 425-4518 utc.edu/~jonesobs

monday2.2 Baby Bounce

11:30 a.m.

Northgate Public Library 278 Northgate Mall Dr. (423) 870-0635 chattlibrary.org Introduction to Oil Painting with Mia Bergeron 6 p.m.

Townsend Atelier 201 West Main St. (423) 266-2712 townsendatelier.com

tuesday2.3 Opening Reception: “Milk Fruit” 5:30 p.m.

The Cress Gallery of Art 736 Vine St. 423) 425-4371 cressgallery.org Presidential Concert Series: Chanticleer 6:30 p.m.

Lee University Dixon Center 1120 N. Ocoee St. Cleveland (423) 614-8343

wednesday2.4 Main Street Farmers Market 4 p.m.

325 E. Main St. mainstreetfarmersmarket.com Ease into Yoga For Beginners with Jayne Cagle 6:30 p.m.

Outdoor Chattanooga 200 River St.

(423) 643-6888 outdoorchattanooga.com Met Live: Offenbach’s “Les Contes d’Hoffman” (repeat) 6:30 p.m.

East Ridge 18 5080 S.Terrace, East Ridge metopera.or/hdlive “Introduction to Buddhism and Zen” 7 p.m.

Unitarian Universalist Church of Chattanooga 3224 Navajo Dr. (423) 622-2862

ongoing “Point of View” River Gallery 400 E. 2nd St. (800) 374-2923 river-gallery.com “Milk Fruit” The Cress Gallery of Art 736 Vine Street 423) 425-4371 cressgallery.org “Human Plus: Real Lives + Real Engineering” Creative Discovery Museum 321 Chestnut St. (423) 756-2738 cdmfun.org “Blood Rhythms, Strange Fruit” Bessie Smith Cultural Center 200 E. MLK Blvd.

(423) 266-8658 bessiesmithcc.org “MSA Select: A MidSouth Sculpture Alliance Member Show”

AVA Gallery 30 Fraizer Ave. (423) 265-4282 avaarts.org “The Female Form: Raphael Soyer and Harold Cash” The Hunter Museum of American Art 10 Bluff View (423) 267-0968 huntermuseum.org “Artist Favorites” Reflections Gallery 6922 Lee Hwy. (423) 892-3072 reflectionsgallerytn.com “Pioneering Pulpits: The First Ocoee Churches” Museum Center at Five Points 200 Inman St. E (423) 339-5745 museumcenter.org “New York Times Magazine Photography Exhibit” Hunter Museum of Art 10 Bluff View (423) 267-0968 huntermuseum.org “A Cast of Blues” Bessie Smith Cultural Center 200 E. MLK Blvd.

(423) 266-8658 bessiesmithcc.org “Member’s Choice” Gallery At Blackwell 71 Eastgate Loop (423) 344-5643 chattanoogaphoto.org Map these locations on chattanoogapulse.com. Send event listings at least 10 days in advance to: calendar@chattanoogapulse.com

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RubyFalls.com

423.821.2544

chattanoogapulse.com • jjanuary 29-February 4 • The Pulse • 17

Chattanooga: Galapagos of the Internet?

Gig connectivity, development community catch eyes

“

One of the things I’m learning is how important it is to be able to have a place for people to come in the community and learn that’s accessible, free, very public, and very citizenoriented.”

Rich Bailey is a professional writer, editor and (sometimes) PR consultant. He led a project to create Chattanooga’s first civic web site in 1995 before even owning a modem. Now he covers Chattanooga technology for The Pulse and blogs about it at CircleChattanooga.com. He splits his time between Chattanooga and Brooklyn.

When the Public Library’s eye through friends at the Gig Lab had its grand Vermont Public Library opening a few weeks ago, who knew about how liI spent some time with brary director Corinne Hill Jeff Branson, a technology and assistant director Nate educator who came in from Hill (no relation) were Boulder, Colorado to give transforming the Chattathe keynote nooga Publecture and lic Library. lead a workHe got to shop. know Nate He travels at a conferRICH BAILEY the country ence in Coldoing technology educaorado about year and a half tion for Sparkfun, an open ago, later hosted Nate and source hardware compasome people from UTC ny based in Boulder that as hackers-in-residence in makes devices at all scales, Boulder, then visited Chatfrom single LEDs and retanooga in April 2014 to do sistors up to satellite guidsome programming work ance systems. with the Library.

He sees a lot of communi“I really wanted to find ties and what they doing out what was going on in with technology, so I had to Chattanooga, and I immepick his brain about Chatdiately fell in love with the tanooga. scene here,” he says. “The “I travel around doing gig connectivity, the develwhat we refer to as ‘K opment stuff that’s going through NASA educaon with the civilian develtion,’” says Branson. “We opment corps that’s comteach everything from ing up here—it’s not like squishy circuits—insulatanywhere else. So I looked ing and conductive Playfor opportunities to come Doh—all the way through back.” professional development When he made plans to for NASA and civilian attend a conference in space endeavors.”

Nashville, he decided to Chattanooga caught his use some vacation days to

Tech Talk

18 • The Pulse • january 29-February 4, 2015 • chattanoogapulse.com

come to Chattanooga and hang out at the Library.

Which turned into giving the keynote and leading a workshop on “the Internet of things” at the Library’s ribbon-cutting for Gig Lab, a public access point for gigabit connectivity and computing tools. In his workshop, he showed people how to use a free, open source tool his company makes to work with data generated by Internetconnected devices.

“In an hour, we took people from never having touched any of this hardware or programming before to feeding data to the Internet through a micro controller,” he says. “And that’s, in a nutshell, what I do everywhere—take people and teach them how to teach machines to be more human.”

His interest in Chattanooga isn’t just idle curiosity.

It’s more like looking for a glimpse of the future of the rest of the country.

“This is one of the first gig connections in the country, so everybody’s ahead of this idea of super-rapid connectivity and what do I do with it, how do I use it as a tool, how do I develop around it, how do I present it to the community,” he says.

“This is a really super advanced tool. It’s like the printing press on hyper steroids. So I want to come to this community and find out what people are learning about that, so I can gauge what I’m going to teach one, two, five years from now. As much as teaching, I’m here doing data gathering.”

He sees Chattanooga as a technological Galapagos Islands, where intense development of new species of plants and animals occurred as those new landmasses appeared in the ocean.

“Well, you can think of gig connectivity as new islands, and we’re going to get all this rapid speciation, which means new environments, new kinds of tech presenting themselves, new applications in that technology,” he says. “So I’m just out here on the islands seeing what’s springing up.”

I asked him to play anthropologist and tell me what he’s learning from Chattanooga.

“One of the things I’m learning is how important it is to be able to have a place for people to come in the community and learn that’s accessible, free, very public, and very citizenoriented,” he says. “What

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“You can think of gig connectivity as new islands, and we’re going to get all this rapid speciation, which means new environments, new kinds of tech presenting themselves, new applications in that technology.”

I’m learning is another layer of how important the library can be in a community’s growth economically.”

Compared to Silicon Valley, he finds the social structure in Chattanooga to be very flat.

“You know, Silicon Valley is intellectually flat in a lot of ways, but it’s socially stratified,” he says.

“Chattanooga seems like it’s socially flat and intellectually flat.”

The crowd for Gig Lab’s grand opening, for example, included people who programmed computers in assembly languages and had been

retired 20 years, as well as Jake Brown, who’s leading the Gig Lab project and just graduated from high school.

“There’s a super bandwidth of people working with technology here, and I want to learn what that is,” he says.

“There were 50, 60 people up there. I go to Boulder, which is one of the development hubs in the United States, and when I go to an event like this there’s the same amount of people. Nobody thinks of Chattanooga as a development hub, but they’re so wrong.”

CHATTANOOGA / 423.785.8000 CHATTANOOGA / 423 785 8000

345 Frazier Avenue, Suite #101 / Chattanooga, TN /37405 345 Frazier Avenue, Suite #101 Chattanooga, TN 3740

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2 YEAR A NNIVERSARY C ELEBRATION & S ISKIN B ENEFIT D INNER Thursday, February 5th at 6:00 PM | Ticket $135

L EARN M ORE & P URCHASE T ICKETS: TERRAMAECHATTANOOGA . COM 423.710.2925 | 122 E 10 TH STREET chattanoogapulse.com • jjanuary 29-February 4 • The Pulse • 19

MUSIC SCENE

A Chattanooga Rapper Returns Muney is so far from fake, he’s a Lost Kid

M

Classic Country Ain’t Forgot Front Porch Junkies keep it real at Bud’s Feeling nostalgic for country music from the late ’80s and early ’90s?

Then pull on yer boots and git out to see the Front Porch Junkies at Bud’s Sports Bar Friday, Jan. 30 at 10 p.m.

Founded in June 2013, the Front Porch Junkies believe in the tradition of classic country music. The band references Tim McGraw, Garth Brooks, Tracy Lawrence and Travis Tritt among many others that influence and inspire their sound.

Aaron Brown plays the electric guitar, mixing a classic rock sound with the country lyrics sung by vocalist Wes Harness. His deep voice and slight twang gives the audience a feeling of Southern comfort. David Hasty and Michael Brown complete the sound by rocking out on the bass and drums.

The band lives by the motto of “playing music that everybody can relate to.” Whether you’re an avid fan of country music or more of a pop fan, Front Porch Junkies offers something for everyone to enjoy.

The band hails from Georgia and will bring their entertainment to Bud’s, located at 5751 Brainerd Rd. To hear some of their music samples, visit their webpage at reverbnation.com/frontporchjunkies — Kristina Kelly Front Porch Junkies Friday, Jan. 30 10 p.m.

Bud's Sports Bar 5751 Brainerd Rd. (423) 499-9878 budssportsbar.com

thu1.29

fri1.30

SAT1.31

preaching son

special chord

super sax

YGTUT & The House Band

Minor Nine

Battle Trance

Taking their name from the minon ninth chord, this talented group creates music that connects from the heart and soul.

8 p.m.

Ziggy’s Chattanooga 607 Cherokee Blvd.

(423) 265-8711

A mind-blowing saxophone quartet from New York City brings the horns in a way you've never heard before.

8 p.m.

Barking Legs Theater 1307 Dodds Ave. barkinglegs.org

Rising hip-hip stars celebrate the release of their debut album "Preacher's Son".

9 p.m.

Rhythm & Brews 221 Market St. rhythm-brews.com

20 • The Pulse • january 29-February 4, 2015 • chattanoogapulse.com

usic called to Bran Muney at an early age.

By the time he was eight years old, he knew he wanted to rap. Inspired by his father and encouraged by his cousins (DJ Mike in particular), Bran set out to hone his musical skills. As a young man, the Chattanooga native had already begun to make a name for himself locally before moving to Johnson City to attend ETSU.

Music marc t. michael

“

Muney’s lyrics are brutal in their honesty, stark in their imagery and his rapid-fire flow is like a musical machine gun.”

Having returned home, Muney is now set to carve out his place in the scene with the release of his debut EP, Lost Kid. Considering the passion and intensity of his work, Muney has written himself a one-way ticket to the top.

One the first, most striking aspects of Muney’s work is its musicality. Before the first word is ever spoken the backing tracks demonstrate a level of style and sophistication often overlooked in hip hop.

To put it bluntly, even if there were no words at all the music is powerful on its own. As it happens, this is just setting the stage for what is to follow.

Muney’s lyrics are brutal in their honesty, stark in their imagery and his rapidfire flow is like a musical machine gun. I honestly don’t know where he finds time to inhale. Just listening to his work tends to leave one feeling short of breath. Delivered with surgical precision, the man clearly has a mastery of his art that cannot fail to impress. Whether you’re a fan of the genre or not, you’d have to be stonecold deaf to not be dazzled by his skill and artistry.

The standout track from the EP so far (and the only one to have been officially released at this time) is “My People.”

There is a tension in Muney’s voice that straddles the line between urgency and desperation. It is a plaintive quality that informs the listener that this isn’t some

If You Like The Ukulele Lady…

Photo by Stanley G.

kid in a nice suburban neighborhood imitating the music he’s listened to on his iPod, this is a man who knows something about grit and grime.

It is passionate and authentic in its depiction of the day-today struggle all too many people face—and yet it is more than just another “life is hard” anthem.

There is an underlying current of triumph, or at least a refusal to be broken (which is ultimately triumph) that reminds us that hope can be found in the unlikeliest of places.

For now, you can preview his

honest music

“It is passionate and authentic in its depiction of the day-today struggle all too many people face and yet it is more than just another “life is hard” anthem.”

work at the bran-money page on sound cloud. It’s worth noting that all the backing tracks for these tunes are soon to be updated with a live band consisting of some of the area’s top musicians (their names will be released in a video update at the beginning of February.) Muney’s debut performance will be at JJ’s Bohemia on Sunday, Feb. 15 with Big Mike Mic and Shawn Cooley in what is being dubbed, “Thug Passion Party.” It will be a great opportunity to get in on the ground floor of a musician who is about to become a very big deal.

For decades the ukulele has occupied a less-than-dignified position as the staple instrument of bad comedians and Foghorn Leghorn cartoons.

While it is true the instrument enjoyed a certain popularity in the early 20th century, these days it isn’t experiencing a “comeback” so much as a renaissance, in which its capacity as a beautiful, serious instrument is being explored to an extent never before seen.

To meet the growing demand for and interest in the unique “jumping flea,” local musician and instructor Butch Ross is conducting a weekend ukulele clinic Feb. 27-28.

The weekend kicks off with a workshop dinner and jam in a private home at 6:30 p.m. on Friday, hosted by the Signal Mountain ukulele group Days of Wine & Ukuleles. Saturday classes will be held from 8:30 a.m. – 4:30 p.m. at the Mountain Arts Community Center, 809 Kentucky Ave., on Signal Mountain. Participants will receive instruction in strumming, chord basics, navigating keys on the ukulele, and more. The weekend concludes with a nearby house concert featuring Butch Ross, with an opening set by local singer/songwriter Ken Hicks.

All ages and learning levels are welcome to register for the workshop (bring your own instrument). The cost for the weekend is $60, with $5 for lunch on Saturday. The house concert on Saturday is open to the public with prior RSVP, and a $15 suggested donation.

The concert is included for workshop participants. To register, or for more information and weekend schedule, call Trish Wileman at (941) 330-5547 or email tfwileman@gmail.com —MTM

local and regional shows

White Violet with Semicircle [$5]

Thu, Jan 29 9 pm

Live Trivia every Sunday afternoon from 4-6pm Ryan Oyer hosts Open Mic every Wednesday @ 8pm

$3 NEWCASTLE PINTS DURING THURSDAY SHOWS

Full food menu serving lunch and dinner.

11am-2am, 7 days a week.

35 Patten Parkway * 423.468.4192 thehonestpint.com * facebook.com/TheHonestPint

chattanoogapulse.com • jjanuary 29-February 4 • The Pulse • 21

LIVE MUSIC JAN/FEB

29 DAVE MATTHEWS FRI 10p 30 THE MEGAPHONES SAT 9:30p 31 WED DANK 11p 4 BACKUP PLANET THU 10p 5 VELCRO PYGMIES FRI 10p 6 SAT OPPOSITE BOX 9p 7 THE HOUSE BAND YGTUT AND

THU

with JOHNNY BALIK & ANGEL MAE 9p TRIBUTE BAND

ALL THE HITS FROM DAVE AND THE BOYS

with SOUTH SOUL DANCE FAMILY

UNOFFICIAL UMPHREYS AFTER PARTY

UNOFFICIAL UMPHREYS AFTER PARTY CAM AND THE BOYS READY TO ROCK!

with DANIMAL PLANET & MONOMATH

2.11 CANEY VLLAGE 2.12 CHANNING WILSON BAND 2.13 THE WERKS with HIGHER LEARNING

COMING SOON

ERICK BAKER

with MARIA and JOSH SABLE

SAT 9p

14

AMERICAN AQUARIUM WED 8p 19 ROCK AND ROLL HUCKSTERS

ALL SHOWS 21+ UNLESS OTHERWISE NOTED • NON-SMOKING VENUE

221 MARKET STREET

HOT MUSIC • FINE BEER • GREAT FOOD BUY TICKETS ONLINE • RHYTHM-BREWS.COM

MUSIC CALENDAR

CHATTANOOGA

White Violet

thursday1.29 Prime Country Band 6:30 p.m.

Ringgold Nutrition Center 144 Circle Dr. (706) 935-2541 Andrew Peterson 6:30 p.m.

North Shore Fellowship Sanctuary 118 Woodland Ave. nsfellowship.org Feel It Thursday Open Mic 7 p.m.

Mocha Restaurant & Music Lounge 511 Broad St. mochajazz.net Bluegrass and Country Jam 7 p.m.

Grace Nazarene Church 6310 Dayton Blvd. chattanoogagrace.com Jesse James & Tim Neal 7 p.m.

Mexi Wings VII 5773 Brainerd Rd. (423) 296-1073 Open Mic with Hap Henninger 9 p.m.

The Office @ City Cafe 901 Carter St. citycafemenu.com/ the-office Jimmy Harris 7 p.m.

The Coconut Room 6925 Shallowford Rd. thepalmsathamilton.com Chattanooga Symphony:

22 • The Pulse • january 29-February 4, 2015 • chattanoogapulse.com

Mendelssohn’s 4th 7:30 p.m.

Tivoli Theatre 709 Broad St. chattanoogasymphony.org YGTUT & The House Band, Johnny Balik, Angel Mae 9 p.m.

Rhythm & Brews 221 Market St. rhythm-brews.com White Violet, Semicircle 9 p.m.

The Honest Pint 35 Patten Parkway thehonestpint.com

friday1.30 Jason Thomas and the Mean-Eyed Cats 5 p.m.

Pulse Pick: Hap Henninger It takes a special kind of performer to week in and week out oversee an open mic night. What makes Hap stand out is that he's quite the accomplished musican in his own right.

Come see for yourself.

Hap Henninger Saturday, 10 p.m.

The Office @ City Cafe 901 Carter St. citycafemenu.com

Chattanooga Choo Choo 1400 Market St. choochoo.com Eddie Pontiac 5:30 p.m.

El Meson 2204 Hamilton Place Blvd. elmesonrestaurant.com Chattanooga Acoustic Showcase 7 p.m.

Charles & Myrtle’s Coffeehouse 105 McBrien Rd. christunity.org American Vacation EP Release Show, Ben Honeycutt 7 p.m.

The Camp House 149 E. MLK Blvd. thecamphouse.com Jimmy Harris

7 p.m.

The Coconut Room 6925 Shallowford Rd. thepalmsathamilton.com Elvis Lives!

7:30 p.m.

Tivoli Theatre 709 Broad St. chattanoogaonstage.com Minor Nine, American Lesion 8 p.m.

Ziggy’s Chattanooga 607 Cherokee Blvd.

(423) 265-8711 Tom Cordell Trumpet Improv Ensemble 8:30 p.m.

The Foundry 1201 Broad St. chattanooganhotel.com Barron Wilson 9 p.m.

The Office @ City Cafe 901 Carter St. citycafemenu.com/ the-office Arlo Gilliam 10 p.m.

Sky Zoo 5709 Lee Hwy. chattazooga.com Dave Matthews Tribute Band 10 p.m.

Rhythm & Brews 221 Market St. rhythm-brews.com Rye Baby 10 p.m.

Tremont Tavern 1203 Hixson Pike tremonttavern.com Front Porch Junkies

10 p.m.

Bud’s Sports Bar 5751 Brainerd Rd. budssportsbar.com

saturday1.31 Jason Thomas and the Mean-Eyed Cats 5 p.m.

Chattanooga Choo Choo 1400 Market St. choochoo.com Eddie Pontiac 5:30 p.m.

El Meson 2204 Hamilton Place Blvd. elmesonrestaurant.com Jimmy Harris 7 p.m.

The Coconut Room 6925 Shallowford Rd. thepalmsathamilton.com Battle Trance, Amanda Cagle & Bob Stagner 8 p.m.

Barking Legs Theater 1307 Dodds Ave. barkinglegs.org Ain't Yo Mama 8 p.m.

Charles and Myrtle's Coffeehouse 105 McBrien Rd. christunity.org Megan Saunders and The Driftless 8 p.m.

Wired Coffee Bar 9447 Bradmore Ln. facebook.com/ thewiredcoffeebar

Tom Cordell Trumpet Improv Ensemble 8:30 p.m.

The Foundry 1201 Broad St. chattanooganhotel.com The Megaphones, South Soul Dance Family 9:30 p.m.

Rhythm & Brews 221 Market St. rhythm-brews.com Adia Victoria 9:30 p.m.

JJ’s Bohemia 231 E. MLK Blvd. jjsbohemia.com Ragdoll 10 p.m.

Sky Zoo 5709 Lee Hwy. chattazooga.com Hap Henninger 10 p.m.

The Office @ City Cafe 901 Carter St. citycafemenu.com/ the-office

sunday2.1 CSO: “All Aboard: Coast to Coast” 3 p.m.

Volkswagen Conference Center 7351 Volkswagen Dr. chattanoogasymphony.org Pagan Senior Recital 5 p.m.

UTC Fine Arts Center Vine & Palmetto Sts.

utc.edu Sunday Night Irish Music Jam Session 5 p.m.

Grocery Bar 1501 Long St. grocerybar.com Acoustic Gospel Jam 6 p.m.

Brainerd United Methodist Church 4315 Brainerd Rd. brainerdumc.org

monday2.2 Monday Nite Big Band 7 p.m.

The Coconut Room 6925 Shallowford Rd. thepalmsathamilton.com Dr. Jennifer Arbogast Voice Recital 7:30 p.m.

Chattanooga State Humanities Theatre 4501 Amnicola Hwy. chattanoogastate.edu

tuesday2.3 Rick’s Blues Jam 7 p.m.

Folk School of Chattanooga 1200 Mountain Creek Rd. chattanoogafolk.com Lee University Presidential Concert Series: Chanticleer 7:30 p.m.

Lee University Dixon Center

MUSIC CALENDAR

Battle Trance 1053 Church St. (423) 614-8240 Shovels & Rope 9 p.m.

Track 29 1400 Market St. track29.co

wednesday2.4 Eddie Pontiac 5:30 p.m.

El Meson 248 Northgate Park elmesonrestaurant.com Jimmy Harris 7 p.m.

The Coconut Room The Palms at Hamilton 6925 Shallowford Rd. thepalmsathamilton.com Umphrey’s McGee 7:30 p.m.

Track 29 1400 Market St. track29.co Open Mic with Ryan Oyer 8 p.m.

The Honest Pint 35 Patten Parkway thehonestpint.com Dank 11 p.m.

Rhythm & Brews 221 Market St. rhythm-brews.com

Map these locations on chattanoogapulse.com. Send event listings at least 10 days in advance to: calendar@chattanoogapulse.com

901 Carter St Inside City Cafe (423)634-9191 Thursday, January 29: 9pm Open Mic with Hap Henninger Friday, January 30: 9pm Barron Wilson Saturday, January 31: 10pm Hap Henninger Tuesday, February 3: 7pm

Server/Hotel Appreciation Night $5 Pitchers $2 Wells $1.50 Domestics ●

●

All shows are free with dinner or 2 drinks!

Stop by & check out our daily specials!

Happy Hour: Mon-Fri: 4-7pm $1 10oz drafts, $3 32oz drafts, $2 Wells, $1.50 Domestics, Free Appetizers

citycafemenu.com/the-office

daily lunch & drink specials!

WHERE CHATTANOOGA’S BEST ARTISTS PERFORM EVERY SINGLE NIGHT!

call & book a monday night private party!

410 market • (423) 757-wing

singitorwingit-chattanooga.com

Follow us on Facebook (we’re quite likeable) facebook.com/chattanoogapulse

chattanoogapulse.com • jjanuary 29-February 4 • The Pulse • 23

Record Reviews

ernie paik

Nigerian Synth-Dance-Funk, Soundtrack Electronics Finding William Onyeabor, jingling with Mark Robinson

William Onyeabor William Onyeabor (Luaka Bop)

W

Mark Robinson STO Soundtrack (Teen-Beat)

ith the way the Nigerian ’70s/’80s synth-dancefunk recording artist William Onyeabor was often portrayed, it seemed like more than a few people thought that the most interesting thing about him was that so little was known about him.

The current fascination with him outside Africa started with the inclusion of his track “Better Change Your Mind” first on the Nigeria 70 compilation then on the Luaka Bop compilation World Psychedelic Classics 3: Love’s a Real Thing a decade ago, and the good folks at Luaka Bop went through an arduous process to secure the rights to release more Onyeabor

material.

However, as one discovers while reading the booklet in the comprehensive collection William Onyeabor (in one 9-CD set or two 9-LP sets each with a bonus 7-inch single), just releasing this music wasn’t enough; they simply had to learn more—more than the scant paragraph of facts about him—and even traveled to Nigeria to track him down.

Any true music geek enjoys the deep dive into an artist’s catalog and history. That said, whenever this writer would play a William Onyeabor song for people in a room, someone would inevitably ask what it was; the point is that

      

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Onyeabor’s music is just intrinsically fascinating, with an ineffable, strange quality.

Clearly, there are American funk and dance music influences and west African infusions, and the songs totally work with their own crazy vibe, with Onyeabor singing in English about love or cold-war anxieties. However, the ingredients are seemingly in internal conflict—the Moog and Elka synths are both warm and alien, and the production has both a high ambition and a less-thanpristine endearing scrappiness, with horns and female backing singers occasionally chiming in.

In 2013, Luaka Bop released the compilation Who Is William Onyeabor?, which concentrated on his more dance-funk-oriented material, but the collection at hand reveals an artist who also favored reggae and pop hooks.

Included are all seven relatively short Onyeabor albums (averaging 30 minutes each), including both versions of his debut Crashes in Love, plus the 2-track EP Good Name.

Everyone loves a great story, but William Onyeabor—easily one of the best reissues of 2014—is so arresting and immediately enjoy-

able that any backstory actually isn’t necessary, nor is the shroud of mystery.

M

ark Robinson is best known for his groups Unrest, which went from off-kilter punk/ hard rock to off-kilter strumhappy jangle-pop with numerous oddities along the way, and Flin Flon, a slithering post-post-punk power trio with a deceptive simplicity.

In more recent years, he’s been putting out music as Fang Wizard—a duo with Trevor Kampmann (a.k.a. hollAnd)—and Cotton Candy with his wife Evelyn Hurley (of Blast Off Country Style). Cotton Candy has covered catchy commercial jingles, including the themes for Bumblebee Tuna and Meow Mix, and knowing this, Robinson’s latest venture makes a lot of sense.

STO is a short-film series, where Robinson documents in 90-second videos different, unique (mostly of the mom-and-pop variety) retail stores in the Boston area, including bookstores, record stores, vintage stores, a typewriter store and a five-and-dime.

Each video features an original soundtrack and serves as both a

tiny wordless documentary or an unaired TV commercial, and a digital album compiles the themes for the first 12 videos, plus three bonus themes.

While Robinson is typically a guitarist, here he leans on electronics and keyboards, with each track employing nearly the same minimal, soft synthetic beat at a brisk tempo for consistency.

Therefore, each theme must impart its own character through its instrument choices, from a marimba sound on “Weirdo Records” or organ chords on “Irving’s Toy & Card Shop.”

There are similarities here with early ’80s new wave music without blatantly aping any certain genre, and the tracks serve their modest goal and manage to sound mildly cerebral and inspiring. If anything, these songs sound like they might be heard on uplifting commercials for computer companies in the mid-’90s.

STO Soundtrack is not exactly an essential entry in the Mark Robinson catalog, but it does shed some light on his affinity for simple, penetrating, infectious melodic lines as an extension of his obsession with commercial jingles.

   Go online today to get even more great BOGO deals!

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24 • The Pulse • january 29-February 4, 2015 • chattanoogapulse.com

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423.267.8583 www.chattanoogasymphony.org chattanoogapulse.com • jjanuary 29-February 4 • The Pulse • 25

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A new year brings new opportunities.

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You complete us.

The Pulse is looking for a Media Sales Professional to represent Chattanooga’s Alternative Weekly.

Now recruiting Media Sales Professionals to represent Chattanooga’s Alternative Newsweekly

Send your resume and cover letter to Mike Baskin, Director of Sales Send yourmikebaskin@brewermediagroup.com resume and cover letter to: Mike Baskin, Director of Sales In the subjectmikebaskin@brewermediagroup.com line, please include: Brewer Sales Position In the subject line, please include: Brewer Sales Position

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26 • The Pulse • january 29-February 4, 2015 • chattanoogapulse.com

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Free Will Astrology

“

Homework: What’s the most important thing you’ve never done? Testify at FreeWillAstrology. com

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): In 1899, the King of the African nation of Swaziland died while dancing. His only son, Sobhuza, was soon crowned as his successor, despite being just four months old. It took a while for the new king to carry out his duties with aplomb, and he needed major guidance from his grandmother and uncle. Eventually he showed great aptitude for the job, though, and ruled until his death at age 83. I’m getting a Sobhuzatype vibe as I meditate on you, Aquarius. New power may come to you before you’re fully ready to wield it. But I have confidence you will grow into it, especially if you’re not shy about seeking help.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): In the 1951 animated movie version of Alice in Wonderland, Alice says to herself, “I give myself very good advice, but I very seldom follow it.” I hope you won’t be like her, Pisces. It’s an excellent time for you to heed your own good advice. In fact, I suspect that doing so will be crucial to your ability to make smart decisions and solve a knotty problem. This is one of those turning points when you really have to practice what you preach. You’ve got to walk your talk.

ARIES (March 21-April 19): Do you have an entourage or posse that helps you work magic you can’t conjure up alone? Is there a group of co-conspirators that prods you to be brave and farseeing? If not, try to whip one up. And if you do have an inspirational crew, brainstorm about some new adventures for all of you to embark on. Scheme and dream about the smart risks and educational thrills you could attempt together. According to my reading of the astrological omens, you especially need the sparkle and rumble that a feisty band of allies can incite.

Rob Brezsny is an aspiring master of curiosity, perpetrator of sacred uproar, and founder of the Beauty and Truth Lab. He brings a literate, myth-savvy perspective to his work. It’s all in the stars.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): The cosmos seems to be granting you a license to be brazenly ambitious.

I’m not sure how long this boost will last, so I suggest you capitalize on it while it’s surging. What achievement have you always felt

rob brezsny

insufficiently prepared or powerful to accomplish? What person or club or game have you considered to be out of your league?

What issue have you feared was beyond your understanding? Rethink your assumptions. At least one of those “impossibilities” may be more possible than usual.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): When I attended the University of California at Santa Cruz, my smartest friend was Gemini writer Clare Cavanagh. She headed off to Harvard for her graduate studies, and later became a preeminent translator of Polish poetry. Her work has been so skillful that Nobel Prize-winning Polish poet Czselaw Milosz selected her as his authorized biographer.

Interviewing Milosz was a tough job, Clare told blogger Cynthia Haven. He was demanding. He insisted that she come up with “questions no one’s asked me yet.” And she did just that, of course. Formulating evocative questions is a Gemini specialty. I invite you to exercise that talent to the hilt in the coming week.

It’s prime time for you to celebrate a Curiosity Festival.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): “Somewhere someone is traveling furiously toward you,” writes poet John Ashbery, “at incredible speed, traveling day and night, through blizzards and desert heat, across torrents, through narrow passes. But will he know where to find you, recognize you when he sees you, give you the thing he has for you?” This passage might not be literally true, Cancerian. There may be no special person who is headed your way from a great distance, driven by a rapt intention to offer you a blessing. But I think Ashbery’s scenario is accurate in a metaphorical way. Life is in fact working overtime to bring you gifts and help. Make sure you cooperate! Heighten your receptivity.

Have a nice long talk with yourself, explaining why you deserve such beneficence.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): In 1768, Britain’s Royal Society commissioned navigator James Cook to lead a long naval voyage west to

Tahiti, where he and his team were supposed to study the planet Venus as it made a rare transit across the face of the sun. But it turned out that task was a prelude. Once the transit was done, Cook opened the sealed orders he had been given before leaving England. They revealed a second, bigger assignment, kept secret until then: to reconnoiter the rumored continent that lay west of Tahiti. In the coming months, he became the first European to visit the east coast of Australia. I foresee a comparable progression for you, Leo. The task you’ve been working on lately has been a prelude. Soon you’ll receive your “sealed orders” for the next leg of your journey.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): According to computer security company Symantec, you’re not in major danger of contracting an online virus from a porn website. The risk is much greater when you visit religious websites.

Why? They’re often built by inexperienced programmers, and as a result are more susceptible to hackers’ attacks. In the coming weeks, Virgo, there may be a similar principle at work in your life. I suspect you’re more likely to be undermined by nice, polite people than raw, rowdy folks. I’m not advising you to avoid the dogooders and sweet faces. Just be careful that their naivete doesn’t cause problems. And in the meantime, check out what the raw, rowdy folks are up to.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Life has a big, tough assignment for you. Let’s hope you’re up for the challenge. There’s not much wiggle room, I’m afraid. Here it is: You must agree to experience more joy and pleasure. The quest for delight and enchantment has to rise to the top of your priority list. To be mildly entertained isn’t enough. To be satisfied with lukewarm arousal is forbidden.

It’s your sacred duty to overflow with sweet fulfillment and interesting bliss. Find ways to make it happen!

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): You may have never sampled the southeast Asian fruit called

durian. It’s controversial. Some people regard it as the “king of fruits,” and describe its taste as sweet and delicious. Naturalist Alfred Russel Wallace said it was like “a rich custard highly flavored with almonds.” But other people find the durian unlikable, comparing its aroma to turpentine or decaying onions. TV chef Anthony Bourdain asserts that its “indescribable” taste is “something you will either love or despise.” I foresee the possibility that your imminent future will have metaphorical resemblances to the durian, Scorpio. My advice? Don’t take things personally.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Talking will be your art form in the coming week. It’ll be healing and catalytic. You could set personal records for most engaging phone conversations, emails, text messages, and face-to-face dialogs. The sheer intensity of your self-expression could intimidate some people, excite others, and generate shifts in your social life. Here are a few tips to ensure the best results. First, listen as passionately as you speak.

Second, make it your intention to communicate, not just unload your thoughts. Tailor your messages for your specific audience. Third, reflect on the sometimes surprising revelations that emerge from you. They’ll give you new insights into yourself.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Let’s say you want to buy an 18-karat gold ring. To get that much gold, miners had to excavate and move six tons of rock.

Then they doused the rock with poisonous cyanide, a chemical that’s necessary to extract the good stuff. In the process, they created toxic waste. Is the gold ring worth that much trouble?

While you ponder that, let me ask you a different question. What if I told you that over the course of the next five months, you could do what’s necessary to obtain a metaphorical version of a gold ring? And although you would have to process the equivalent of six tons of raw material to get it, you wouldn’t have to use poison or make a mess. Would you do it?

chattanoogapulse.com • jjanuary 29-February 4 • The Pulse • 27

Diversions

Consider This with Dr. Rick

by Rick Pimental-Habib, Ph.D. “Look up at the stars and not down at your feet. Try to make sense of what you see. Be curious.” — Stephen Hawking Do you remember when you were a child and found mystery and wonder in every corner of the world? Or perhaps you have your own children or grandchildren who are at that stage of asking questions about everything.

I experience this with my four-legged bundles of joy. A strange noise outside and heads pop up, eyes wide, enormous ears tuning in like satellite dishes. Then it’s a mad dash to the window, prepped for either tail-wagging happiness at the sight of a friend, or hair-ruffled growls and barking at the unknown intruder.

Our adult egos often like to give the impression that we already know the answer. But a child—or an adult who truly wonders at the wonders that surround us—isn’t a slave to being right. They are in love with the questions, the mysticism, the unknown. Ahh, to return to that wondrous child-like innocence, and take a vacation from knowing it all.

28 • The Pulse • january 29-February 4, 2015 • chattanoogapulse.com

Jonesin’ Crossword

matt jones

is looking for a few good

ACROSS 1 The P of PBR 6 “How do you measure, measure ___?” (“Rent” lyric) 11 Org. for pinheads?

14 Birth country of Amy Adams and Rose McGowan 15 Music in some “Weird Al” Yankovic medleys 16 Cafeteria coffee holder 17 She got a Worst Actress nomination for a 10-Down for “The Other Woman” 19 Hang behind 20 “Dark Angel” star Jessica 21 “Aw, shucks!”

22 Many South Africans 24 #2 on Time’s 10 Worst Songs of 2014 28 Absolute last-minute day for shopping 29 Formal footwear 30 Bicycle shorts material 33 Go after flies 35 Aspirations 38 Reptilian squeezer

39 Sworn enemy 42 Grammy winner Kool Moe ___ 43 It’s not worth much 45 Facts 46 Out there 48 “The Golden Notebook” author Lessing 50 Anti matter?

51 “Conscious Uncoupling” person of 2014, instead of just saying “divorce” 57 Muslim veil 58 NYC thoroughfare 59 “Am ___ only one?”

61 “I ___ Rock” 62 John Travolta mispronunciation that made Rolling Stone’s “Worst TV Moments of 2014” 66 “Morning Edition” producer 67 Big top figure 68 2006 movie subtitled “Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan”

69 Eeyore, for one 70 “The Waste Land” poet T.S. 71 Apartments, e.g.

DOWN 1 12-point type 2 In any way 3 Animated ruminant 4 ___-Kinney (band with Carrie Brownstein of “Portlandia”) 5 Norse god 6 Breathing interruption 7 Climber’s calling?

8 Whitney with a gin 9 “Alias” equivalent 10 Award celebrating bad movies 11 Bring into a private conversation 12 Author of “The Cat Who...” mysteries 13 Teen turmoil 18 Fearsome sort 23 The Daily Bruin publisher 25 “Thirteen” actress ___ Rachel Wood 26 ___ apso 27 Rumored Himalayan beast

30 “Selma” role 31 “Oh, it’s ___” 32 Glass containers 33 Chart-topper 34 Soaked 36 Mal de ___ (seasickness) 37 Turn from liquid to Jell-O 40 Use Pro Tools, say 41 Santa’s laundry problem 44 Coffee coast of Hawaii 47 “Can you hear me now?” company 49 Mail-in offer 50 Ran off 51 Accra’s country 52 Scaredy-cats 53 Caveman diet 54 Prevent, as a disaster 55 “SNL” alumna Cheri 56 ___ Thins 60 911 responders 63 The Mavericks, on scoreboards 64 “Never Mind the Bollocks” closer (or label) 65 “Aladdin” monkey

Copyright © 2015 Jonesin’ Crosswords. For answers to this puzzle, call: 1-900-226-2800, 99 cents per minute. Must be 18+ to call. Or to bill to your credit card, call: 1-800-655-6548. Reference puzzle No. 0712

writers

Can you craft a compelling 650-word short feature or profile—and a longer, in-depth feature worthy of our cover? If so, let’s talk. The Pulse is seeking a few good freelance writers to join our stable of news, feature, music, political, fashion and arts writers.

We reward our writers with fair pay and a showcase for their skills.

If you’ve got the “write stuff,” we want your voice in The Pulse.

Email samples of your best clips along with a brief bio to: creative@chattanoogapulse.com

DON’T CHANCE IT YOUR NEXT DRINK COULD BE YOUR LAST STAY ALIVE DON’T DRINK & DRIVE

chattanoogapulse.com • jjanuary 29-February 4 • The Pulse • 29

Traffic...Not The Stevie Winwood Kind Officer Alex waxes poetic on his least-favorite driving techniques

“

My point being that he could have made the turn at 40 MPH instead of putting it in park and walking around with a lantern to check all four corners before making a move.”

When officer Alexander D. Teach is not patrolling our fair city on the heels of the criminal element, he spends his spare time volunteering for the Boehm Birth Defects Center.

Five hundred yards to go, and the turn signal was flashing steadily in advance at 20 miles per hour. Then…15 MPH. 10 MPH. 8 MPH… and now a complete stop. In the right-side driving lane of a four-lane state highway.

He didn’t even use the emergency ALEX lane, a lane wider than the actual traffic lane he was blocking at 5:15 p.m. on a Friday afternoon.

No. He came to a complete stop and then proceeded to turn into a church parking lot whose driveway was 20 feet wide. My point being, of course, that he could have made the turn at 40 MPH instead of putting it in park and walking around with a lantern to check all four corners before making a move. (My irritation, clearly, was approaching radiological in nature.)

He was my greatest pet peeve, second only to the tailgater.

There is a special place in hell for people that ride the ass of the car in front of them.

It causes the pulse of the nonobnoxious driver to almost instantly double and attention goes from what’s happening in front of the 2,000-pound speeding car to behind it, exponentially increasing the odds of something unpleasant happening to all involved.

I had a friend years ago (WAY pre-police) that had a very simple method of deal-

ing with this brand of scum: He just hit the brakes. He drove an ’89 Dodge, back when it said “Dodge” on the front, and “Ram” on the sides. The front bumper had a “CIA” tag on it, and the rear bumper was d i s t i n guished by being solid diamondTEACH plate steel, and he would occasionally point to blemishes on it with pride. Because when you tailgated that guy? He would tap the brakes a few times as a warning, but if you persisted on being so close he couldn’t see your headlights, the third time he just stomped on the brakes no matter where he was. Highway 153, the East Ridge Tunnels…he would wait long enough to see the cloud of steam from a radiator billow from behind, then extend a middle finger outside his window and continue on down the road, the howl of his laughter eclipsing the sound of the venerable Chrysler 318 under the hood.

Was it legal? The wreck was the fault of the person behind him initially (“Following Too Closely” is a crime), but the instant he left the scene the script was flipped. But he didn’t care. And perhaps the other person learned a lesson? No one does that anymore, because what they call “trucks” today don’t have plain steel bumpers, but his tales of automotive Darwin-

On The Beat

30 • The Pulse • january 29-February 4, 2015 • chattanoogapulse.com

ism still bring a smile despite the professional conflict that may imply.

Next? Driving side by side.

My house is only accessible by a four-lane state highway, and in that part of town? Every day…is Sunday. If there are only three vehicles in any given mile of this road, I am convinced of two things: One of the vehicles is mine, and the other two are side by side at or (sweet baby Jesus) below the posted speed limit.

The irrational behavior I used to exhibit (before the calming effects of my beloved “Law” filled me with peace years ago) were probably comparable to a rhesus monkey full of Red Bull being attacked by Africanized bees in a small cage on a hot day. I would get so incensed at the inconsiderateness of the drivers ahead of me that I would actually pass my intended destination, so blinded was I. (And did that help the situation? No, sir… Not at all.)

The highlight was when one would start to ease past

the other, rear bumper even with their front bumper… then a gap … a half-car length ahead… and then BAM! They would hit the brakes or the other car would then speed up, and my rage would double all over again.

This is what it is to have a car for an office. To live these horrors over and over, time and again, and to not be able to react as my instincts would have demanded I act years (and I mean years) ago.

It’s bad enough my office doesn’t have a restroom, but to be subjected to these nonoffense offenses day in and day out? Thank God I have the temperament for this job, because a normal man would have exploded years ago.

Still, when all is said and done, as I say in most situations: Don’t feed my monkey, or you might just get bit. And if you see the twinkle of a solid steel bumper up ahead of you? Get close and observe the classic in all its glory— but mind those brake lights.

Three strikes and you, too, may be out.

Enter EPB’s 2015 Black History Month Poetry Contest

chattanoogapulse.com • jjanuary 29-February 4 • The Pulse • 31

CHATTANOOGA’S ANNUAL SPECULATIVE FICTION CONVENTION January 30 - February 1 at the Chattanooga Choo Choo FEATURED WRITERS & ARTISTS Julie E. Czerneda • Kathleen Ann Goonan • Tobias Buckell Alan M. Clark • David Deitrick • Adam-Troy Castro • Wendy Webb

THREE FULL DAYS OF PANELS, EVENTS & CONCERTS

Art Show & Dealers Room • Independent Film Festival Robot Battles • Chattanooga Fire Cabaret • Sisters of Seduction The Molly Maguires • The Shock Theatre Orchestra & more!

TICKETS & INFORMATION AT CHATTACON.ORG