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JENNY'S EDUCATION • ICEBERG FREE STATE • FLOOD & FIRE

SEX IN THE CITY FOURTH ANNUAL SEX SURVEY

FREE • News, Views, Arts & Entertainment • February 4, 2010 • Vol. 7 - Issue 5 • www.chattanoogapulse.com • pulse news 95.3 WPLZ

President Jim Brewer, II

2010

Publisher Zachary Cooper Contributing Editor Janis Hashe News Editor Gary Poole Calendar Editor Kathryn Dunn Advertising Manager Rhonda Rollins Advertising Sales Rick Leavell, Leif Sawyer, Townes Webb Art Director Kelly Lockhart Graphic Design Jennifer Grelier Staff Photographer Louis Lee Contributing Writers Gustavo Arellano, Rob Brezsny Chuck Crowder, Michael Crumb Hellcat, Joshua Hurley Victoria Hurst, Matt Jones Phillip Johnston, Ernie Paik Rick Pimental-Habib, Ph.D. Stephanie Smith, Alex Teach Colleen Wade Editorial Cartoonist Rick Baldwin Editorial Intern Jonathan Selby Copy Assistant Bryanna Burns Online Services Sharon Chambers Contact Info: Phone (423) 648-7857 Fax (423) 648-7860 info@chattanoogapulse.com Calendar Submissions calendar@chattanoogapulse.com Advertising advertising@chattanoogapulse.com The Pulse is published weekly and is distributed throughout the city of Chattanooga and surrounding communities. The Pulse is available free of charge, limited to one copy per reader. No person without written permission from the publishers may take more than one copy per weekly issue. The Pulse may be distributed only by authorized distributors.

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11 FOURTH ANNUAL SEX SURVEY Compiled by Gary Poole For the past four years, The Pulse has asked Chattanoogans about their sexual views, habits, desires and experiences. This year, we had the largest reponse yet to our survey, revealing many interesting, expected and some unexpected responses about our sexual health and attitudes.

feature stories 17 GROWN-UP GREENVILLE By Janis Hashe BMW moved into the formerly sleepy small city of Greenville, SC in 1992, and as the old song goes, “How you gonna keep ’em down on the farm/Now that they’ve seen Berlin?”

22 FIRE AND FLOOD OF LETICIA WOLF By Hellcat One of our local songbirds has definitely stretched out her wings and flown the coop, so to speak. As I’ve mentioned before, Leticia Wolf moved to Nashville a little over a year ago, and left a lot of her friends, family, and fans missing her.

24 SLEUTHS OF IMAGINATIVE HISTORY 1305 Carter Street Chattanooga, Tennessee 37402 Letters to the editor must include name, address and daytime phone number for verification. The Pulse reserves the right to edit letters for space and clarity. Please keep letters within 500 words in length.

By Michael Crumb The Cress Gallery happily presents collaborator artists Nicholas Miles Kahn and Richard Selesnick with their renowned presentations of “The Apollo Prophecies” and “Eisbergfreistadt” (“Iceberg Free State”).

The Pulse covers a broad range of topics concentrating on culture, the arts, entertainment and local news.

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30 EDUCATING JENNY By Phillip Johnston Invoking his famous catchphrase, Mr. T made his purpose clear in the opening musical number: “If you don’t want to be a crazy fool, you better study real hard and stay in school!”

news & views 4 5 8 11 18 27 33 38

LETTERS TO THE EDITOR PULSE BEATS BEYOND THE HEADLINES SHRINK RAP LIFE IN THE NOOG ON THE BEAT SHADES OF GREEN ASK A MEXICAN

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EDITOON CITY COUNCILSCOPE THE LIST POLICE BLOTTER A&E CALENDAR MUSIC CALENDAR NEW IN THEATERS NEW MUSIC REVIEWS SPIRITS WITHIN DINING OUT SPOTLIGHT FREE WILL ASTROLOGY JONESIN’ CROSSWORD

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by Rick Baldwin

Letters to the Editor Termination For Teach Alex Teach should be fired if he is really a police officer. His attitude toward the public he is supposed to be protecting and serving is beyond confrontational and insulting. To think that this jackass carries a device which can be used to implement deadly force is truly frightening. He has no respect for the public at large unless they are cop-loving kiss asses, and for that reason alone should be terminated. Joe Rella Teach “Intriguing” I find Alex Teach’s columns intriguing and have enjoyed the read and subsequent discussion on traffic cameras from both sides. While I agree traffic cameras have a place in today’s society, I think Teach needs to address one major area of concern; mistaken identity, manipulation, and corruption. It is fine to point out all of the benefits and then provide rebuttal to sections of respondents, however he failed to point out the biggest concern of all; due process, which in turn leads to justice. Tony Butler

Heavy Metal Love Welcome to a new world, Hellcat [“It’s Never Too Late”]. You’ll find yourself enjoying it more and more. Metal is deeper than many people think, and you’ll find that there are many, many hidden gems waiting for you to find. Philip Sterilyte Useless Lawsuit If the DA’s Office and the IA cleared the Deputies then why did the family think they could sue the Deputies for Wrongful Death [“Jury Clears Deputies In Wrongful Death Suit”]? If Jones would have been at home instead out driving drunk and pulling a knife on deputies who are out protecting us, then Jones wouldn’t have needed to be taken out. If he would act like he did to deputies, then he likely wouldn’t have thought twice about pulling a knife on someone in public. I think when our law enforcement has to deal with people like Jones, and then get dragged into court for doing their job, the officers should be able to sue the family. That’s when these bulls**t suits will stop. Michael Crites

Signs A Flop? I understand that box office success doesn’t equal critical success which is why I also checked its critical success on rottentomatoes. com, where film critics from across the nation were more so positive about the film. While I agree that it certainly doesn’t qualify for the AFI’s top 100, I find it a little harsh to call it a “flop”, and compare it to films like Spider-Man 3 or Transformers 2, which were complete critical failures. Zach Scheller

Send all letters to the editor and questions to info@chattanoogapulse.com We reserve the right to edit letters for content and space. Please include your full name, city and contact information.

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Pulse Beats

Quote Of The Week: A rundown of the newsy, the notable, and the notorious...

“We figure that hiring vegans is better for the whole health of the hospital environment than even smokers.” —Amanda Fortino, with People For The Ethical Treatment of Animals, asking Memorial Hospital to go a step further with their new employment restrictions, after the hospital announced a "no smokers" hiring policy.

Howard Student Honored with Outstanding Leadership Award Last week, the Boys & Girls Clubs of Chattanooga held their annual luncheon at The Chattanoogan. This event serves as part of a continuing effort to recognize teen members who take an active role in their clubs, while providing positive contributions to younger members and the community. Each month, top leadership candidates are chosen to represent their respective units. These winners are interviewed to determine the overall Leader of the Month, from which the Boys & Girls Clubs of Chattanooga choose their Youth of the Year. This year’s recipient was no exception. Demetre Young, a twelfth-grader at Howard High School and a member of the Boys & Girls Clubs Highland Park Unit, was chosen for his leadership and commitment to helping others. When asked why he attends the Boys & Girls Club every day, Young said, “I come to The Club to set an example, to impact someone’s life. I see how touching just one person’s life is great, because no one touched my life like that. Seeing [younger members] be a success is a great step for me in my life.” Young is a vital member of his club and serves as a role model for other members. Within the Club, he participates in the Keystone Club, a service organization, and the College Bound Program. He was also chosen to participate in the Leadership Baylor Camp this past summer. According to Young, he chose the Boys & Girls Clubs because he did not have many positive teens to look up to. “I think it’s my responsibility to give someone something I’ve never had,” Young said. “I’m a role model because of what I do and how I live my life.” To Young, the Club is a place to stay out of trouble, but more importantly, it’s a place to learn, find guidance and make friends. And while Young has a lot of fun at The Club, he appreciates the educational guidance the club offers, including assistance for school and future academic goals. And, the Club primes him for becoming an adult, too. “Being a member of the Club has

Here is one of the more interesting agenda items set to be discussed at the February 9 meeting of the Chattanooga City Council.

5. Ordinances - Final Reading: b) An ordinance to amend Chattanooga City Code, Part II, Chapter 31, Section 31-355(a), to extend the time in which to file a notice of protest concerning the accuracy of water quality fees imposed in 2009 only from March 1, 2010 to June 1, 2010.

given me hope for a better future,” said a thoughtful Young. For his example and actions, along with the Outstanding Leadership Award, Young also received a $1,000 college scholarship and will be featured in BGCC publications and represent

the Club throughout the year. Young will represent our local organization in the State Youth of the Year competition of Boys & Girls Clubs of America, and could advance to the regional and national level, having the opportunity to meet President Obama.

Connecting the Pieces on Autism Did you know: • 1 in 91 people are diagnosed with an autism spectrum disorder (up from 1 in 150 in 2007). • 1 in 58 boys are estimated to be on the autism spectrum. • The Greater Chattanooga Area has 7,500 people on the autism spectrum. • The estimated lifetime cost of care for an individual with autism is $3.2 to $5 million. • Parents of kids with autism experience significantly more stress (and stress-related disease) than parents of kids with other developmental disabilities. • The Autism Spectrum Clinic (program of the TEAM Centers and part of the Chattanooga Autism Center) serves 2,000 clients per year. (Statistics provided by the Chattanooga Autism Center.) On February 5, the Center will hold a conference, “Autism: Connecting the Pieces through the Lifespan” at the Sheraton Read House, from 8 a.m. to 4:25 p.m. According to volunteer Dave Buck, “This conference is unique because besides the goal of delivering important information to parents and professionals, it also seeks to connect

Responding to a groundswell of protest from property and business owners throughout the city, angry at the nearly three-fold increase on stormwater fees imposed by the city this year, the council is in the process of extended the time people have to file protests about the fee increase. The core of the issue, though, has put the city between a financial rock and governmental hard place. Facing huge costs in bringing the city into compliance with state and federal water quality standards and threatened with substantial fines from higher government levels, the city has been forced to do the one thing all politicians hate to do: raise taxes.

people in the community so they can network, find support, and contribute their input as to what programs are needed across the lifespan for people on the autism spectrum in our region. The CAC will collect people’s input throughout the day and then present and discuss the results in the afternoon. The final goal is to have created a set of desired projects and programs based on our community’s feedback and some commitment to make them a reality. We’re going to use the excitement and desire of our attendees to give us momentum to make big changes for our region.” Space is limited to 250 registrants. E-mail info@teamcenters.org or call (423) 622-0500 to register.

And while the fee increase isn’t a tax in name, it reality it walks, talks and raids the pocketbook like a tax. Perception is reality in politics, and anything the council can do to help alleviate the political fallout from the strong-arm tactics of the EPA and other governmental agencies will be seen as a good thing. If the ordinance passes—and it is expected to do easily—this is your chance to protest the latest governmental fee hike. The Chattanooga City Council meets each Tuesday at 6 p.m. in the City Council Building at 1000 Lindsay St. For more information on the agendas, visit www.Chattanooga.gov/City_ Council/110_Agenda.asp

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A weekly roundup of the newsworthy, notable and often head-scratching stories gleaned from police reports from the Chattanooga Police Department, the Hamilton County Sheriff’s Office, the Bradley County Sheriff’s Department and the Dalton Police Department.

• While the Police Blotter generally covers what is considered “stupid crook news”, occasionally law enforcement asks for our help in capturing some bad guys. Chattanooga Police Property Crimes Investigators are looking for two suspects wanted in connection with a robbery that occurred on January 17 at the Subway at 4220 Highway 58. According to witnesses, three suspects entered the business with guns and demanded money from the employees. They were able to get away with more than $400. Coderius Trammell and Ronald Crumsey both have warrants for aggravated robbery and are considered armed and dangerous. If anyone has information on their whereabouts, we ask that they please call the Chattanooga Police Department at (423) 698-2525. • How many times have we seen drug dealers captured because of their bad driving habits? Add yet another story to the ever-growing list of bad driving tales as a Marietta, Georgia woman has been charged with possessing approximately 100 pounds of marijuana that was in the trunk of her car when Bradley County detectives stopped her

on I-75 last week. Drug Interdiction detectives saw the woman’s car weaving across several lanes and noted her speed at 40 miles an hour. When she rolled down a window to talk to the detective after being stopped, he smelled the unmistakable odor of marijuana wafting from the car. A consent search was conducted and large bundles of marijuana in four garbage bags were found in the car’s trunk. She was charged with possession of marijuana for resale, impeding the flow of traffic, and failure to maintain lane. • Some dealers avoid the whole driving issue by growing the stuff at their business. Luckily for law enforcement, at least one of those dealers was a bit forgetful about locking the door to his business. A Hamilton County Sheriff’s deputy responded to a reported business burglary at a computer repair company on Middle Valley Road, and while checking to secure the business, found approximately 115 suspected marijuana plants and equipment commonly associated with an indoor grow lab. The owner was tracked down to his home in Rossville, where Catoosa County Sheriff’s deputies found the man and his wife in possession of not only more drugs but a Mack 10 machine gun as well. The couple now faces charges in both Catoosa County and

Chattanooga Street Scenes

Top Ten Valentine Gifts for Women 1. Red Roses If you want to say a Valentine’s Day, “I love you,” nothing expresses that sentiment better than beautiful red roses.

Hamilton County for manufacturing marijuana, conspiracy and felony possession of drug paraphernalia. • And finally some good news. Some very good news. Walker County Sheriff Steve Wilson reports that he’s beating cancer. Posting on his Facebook page last week, Wilson announced that his latest tests show he’s in remission and that the chemotherapy is working. He says he’ll continue taking chemo through next month and in March will undergo a stem cell transplant in an Atlanta hospital. Wilson decided to go public with his diagnosis of multiple myeloma last November in order to help raise awareness of the disease. We wish Sheriff Wilson a continued recovery and hope to see him 100 percent healthy and back on the job he loves as soon as possible. Photography by Louis Lee

Rebuilding the viaduct on I-75 near Ooltewah.

2. Box of Chocolates Who wouldn’t appreciate a heartshaped or golden box filled with sweets? 3. Romantic Heart Pendant Heart-shaped pendants say “I love you” and are worn close to her heart. 4. Sweet and Sexy Lingerie A Valentine’s Day gift selection of pretty things for her to wear to bed. 5. A Classic Perfume If you know what her signature fragrance is, you can’t go wrong with one of these. 6. Apple iPod Touch The iPod Touch does everything an iPhone does, without having to change your phone plan. 7. Apple iTunes Gift Certificate Give her something to play on her iPod, and let her choose her favorite songs that remind her of you. 8. Gemstone Earrings Small and sparkly, earrings with stones can dazzle. 9. Diamond Heart Jewelry If you want to melt a heart, there’s nothing like bestowing a jeweled one that is mounted with a diamond…or two…or more. 10. A Ring That Symbolizes a Promise Bestow a promise ring on your love this Valentine’s Day, and it says you’re ready to take the next (small) step in your relationship.

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Beyond The Headlines

By Janis Hashe

Celebrating the Selfless C

hattanooga is fortunate to have an extremely active and dedicated nonprofit community, with arts, public service, health and educational organizations all making a large impact on the quality of life in our city. Local PBS station WTCI is helping to recognize the contributions of these organizations, and the volunteers who sustain them, with the Be More Awards, which “celebrate the spirit of goodwill throughout the community by recognizing the impact and unsung heroes of area nonprofit organizations”. Finalists in six categories were announced at the end of January, with the winners to be recognized in a March 3 ceremony at The Chattanoogan Hotel. Between now and February 15, Chattanoogans are invited to be a part of the Be More Awards by voting for the People’s Choice Award at www.wtciTV.org. This award recognizes the local organization that is most connected to the community and the people it serves. Mary Kilbride and Patti Frierson co-chaired the volunteer committee that worked with Allied Arts of Greater Chattanooga and the United Way’s Center for Nonprofits to put the awards program together. A panel of civic, business and community leaders judged the applications, including Danna Bailey, Kathy Bingham, Sheila Boyington, Paul Brock, Pete Cooper, Beverly Cosley, Tom Griscom, Ellen Hays, Andrae McGary, Linda Mosley and Greg Vital. According to Kilbride, she and Frierson became involved because, “We have co-chaired many events together, including awards programs. Paul Grove, CEO of WTCI, approached us to see if we would chair a Be More program, similar to what had been done in other markets. We knew that Chattanooga values its nonprofits and that WTCI has the capacity for producing high-quality programs. Those two key ingredients were the reason we said ‘Yes’ to this new event.” Finalists were selected, she notes, “by a distinguished panel of civic, business, and community leaders who used a score sheet to assess the strength of each application. We had 11 independent judges, and each nonprofit

organization was reviewed by at least three judges. Judges were not allowed to review applications in which they had a conflict of interest. The applications that received the four highest scores in each category were named as finalists. “The five judging criteria for each application included how well the nonprofit summarized the program/project, its target audience and its results; summarized the steps used to achieve the objectives; executed its objectives; explained its financial expenditures and how they related to the program’s success; and communicated that the program/project fulfilled a unique purpose or void in the community. “The applications for the individual category, ‘Be More Courageous’, were judged differently. Applicants provided examples of risks taken in making a difference in the community, visionary leadership of applicant, leadership done outside of employment, and the impact of the applicant’s leadership in the community.” “WTCI has had a tremendous response from our nonprofit community for the inaugural Be More Awards,” says WTCI President and CEO, Paul Grove. “We are now asking our entire community to get involved by casting their vote for the People’s Choice Award and attending the awards ceremony to celebrate the outstanding and often unrecognized efforts of individuals and nonprofit organizations.” Notes Kilbride, “WTCI strives to be THE community storyteller. WTCI is also the most credible source of information. By combining

(Listed alphabetically)

Creative Discovery Museum & Hunter Museum of American Art

Be More… COLLABORATIVE: Partnership Award Children’s Advocacy Center of Hamilton County Children’s Home/Chambliss Shelter Medical Foundation of Chattanooga Tennessee Aquarium,

Be More…CREATIVE: Innovation Award Girls Preparatory School HARVEST Program Jewish Community Federation of Greater Chattanooga Orange Grove Center, Inc. Partnership for Families, Children and Adults

Be More Awards Finalists by Category

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“The Be More Awards celebrate the spirit of goodwill throughout the community by recognizing the impact and unsung heroes of area nonprofit organizations.”

Be More…IMPACTFUL: Local Service Award Blood Assurance Hospice of Chattanooga Siskin’s Children’s Institute Center for Developmental Pediatrics Wally’s Friends Be More…ENRICHED: Educational Outreach Award Ballet Tennessee Chattanooga Symphony and Opera

wonderful storytelling and credibility, we believed a top-notch awards program that spotlights our incredible nonprofit community is what Chattanooga needed.” Local glass artist Christopher Mosey, owner of Ignis Glass Studio and Gallery, has created the award for each category. To bring further recognition to our nonprofit community, WTCI will produce a program featuring the award winners, which will air on WTCI. The luncheon and awards ceremony will feature Judy Woodruff, senior correspondent for PBS NewsHour, as the keynote speaker. Individual tickets and tables for the luncheon can be purchased at www.wtciTV.org or by calling (423) 702-7814.

Crabtree Farms One Clip at a Time Be More…COURAGEOUS: Individual Leadership Award Jack Fish Carrie Kennedy Janet Kramer-Mai Rose M. Martin Be More…ENGAGING: People’s Choice Award Ballet Tennessee Blood Assurance

Girls Inc. of Chattanooga IMPACT Girls Preparatory School HARVEST Program Habitat for Humanity Hospice of Chattanooga La Paz de Dios Orange Grove Center, Inc. Partnership for Families, Children and Adults Siskin Children’s Institute Center for Developmental Pediatrics Wally’s Friends

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Shrink Rap

By Rick Pimental-Habib, Ph.D

Laugh—You'll Live Longer I

was in the grocery store the other afternoon, chatting with the check-out gal and the elderly man who bags the groceries. He’s always struck me as the grandfatherly type who’d tell his grandkids interesting stories, or teach them silly card tricks, or just enjoy making them laugh. I have no evidence of any of this… it’s all purely in my imagination. And don’t we do this all the time with people we don’t know: endow them with positive traits or negative traits, often based on nothing but the sound of their voice, the look of their clothing, their age, a tattoo, or whatever. We do this using nothing more concrete than the fantasies we create from our own personal history with people who sound like that, or look like that, or have a tattoo like that. Our human minds don’t do well with vacuums, so we fill the void with past references in an attempt to wrap our minds around a person who’s unfamiliar. Once we can find a category to put him or her in, then we feel we know how to deal with this person. It’s a coping skill—a way to mentally organize our world. The need to find familiarity among the unfamiliar is an automatic, largely unconscious process, and becomes particularly urgent when we’re frightened or threatened by a person (or experience) we don’t know. We all do it. If things go well— meaning, we’re open-minded and receptive to the newness—then our opinions gain color and texture as we get to know the person. The false beliefs we started with fall away and

are replaced with reality. And the accurate first impressions we created in our mind become confirmed. When it goes the other way— meaning fear of the unfamiliar leads us to be distrustful and shut down from finding the truth about the person, then we default on the package of stereotypical traits we believe to be true, but, unfortunately, without testing for validity. “Judging a book by its cover” might be coming to mind right about now. So, back to the grocery-bagging gentleman. If I held a belief about older folks as being all crotchety and slow, I probably would not have had a smile or kind word to say to this man. If I held a belief that older people are usually charming and have much to offer, I probably would try to engage with him. Fortunately, I believe the latter. But I never even had time to start up with him as he beat me to the punch. Obviously not restricted nor influenced by any pre-conceived notions about me, he easily started joking with me—silly, corny joking— with warmth and a smile. When I laughingly asked him if he was a bit of a wise guy, he gave me this pearl: “It’s good to be a wise guy. It’s good to laugh, because then you live longer.” And I thought, I could not have put it better myself. This gentleman was just being himself, with no worry about what I thought of him, or limitations due to what he thought of me. And he concluded my afternoon chore of grocery shopping with a welcome, pleasant experience. And in the process, gave me something to remember: It’s good to laugh, because then you live longer.

Here are some pearls for you: excerpts from something called, “Handbook 2010,” which a friend sent me via e-mail. Some of these have made a Shrink Rap appearance in the past, but they bear repeating. Maybe they’ll add some happy experiences to your life. 1. Live with the 3 E’s—Energy, Enthusiasm and Empathy 2. Make time to pray/meditate/ ponder. 3. Play more. 4. Read more books than you did in 2009. 5. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day. 6. Don’t compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about. 7. Don’t take yourself so seriously. No one else does. 8. Don’t waste your precious energy on gossip. 9. Dream more while you are awake. 10. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need. 11. No one is in charge of your happiness except you. 12. You don’t have to win every argument. 13. Try to make at least three people smile each day. 14. What other people think of you is none of your business. 15. Get rid of anything that isn’t useful, beautiful, or joyful. 16. However good or bad a situation is, it will change. 17. The best is yet to come. Until next time: “In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me lay an invincible summer.” — Albert Camus

“Obviously not restricted nor influenced by any preconceived notions about me, he easily started joking with me—silly, corny joking— with warmth and a smile.”

Dr. Rick Pimental-Habib, Ph.D., is a psychotherapist, minister, and educator, in private practice in Chattanooga, and is the author of “Empowering the Tribe” and “The Power of a Partner.” Contact him online at www.drrph.com

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Cover Story

Fourth Annual Pulse Sex Survey Compiled by Gary Poole

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For the past four years, The Pulse has asked Chattanoogans (anonymously) about their sexual views, habits, desires and experiences. This year, we had the largest reponse yet to our survey, revealing many interesting, expected and some unexpected responses about our sexual health and attitudes. Over the next several pages, we highlight results from the survey.

Cover Story The first place to start with any sex survey is with the basics: gender, age, sexual orientation and relationship status. The results were to be expected, knowing our readership, with one major surprise.

How has your view of sex changed over the years? “I am more appreciative of it, enjoy making it last longer, and am a lot better at it than I was when I was younger.”

What is your gender? Male Female

53% 47%

How old are you? 18-25 26-35 36-45 46-55 56-65

11% 33% 30% 23% 3%

Sexual orientation? Straight Bisexual Unsure Gay

91% 7% 2% 0%

This was a major departure from our past surveys, where we generally had between 6% and 10% of our survey respondants check "gay". Considering that it is estimated that 10% of the American population is homosexual, we're wondering if this was an aberration or whether some folks here in town need to examine their closets for the nearest exit.

How many sexual partners have you had in your life? None (virgin) 1-5 6-15 16-30 31-50 Over 50

1% 25% 29% 21% 8% 16%

The National Center for Health Statistics claims that the median number of lifetime female sexual partners for men was seven; the median number of male partners for women was four. However, according to our survey, Chattanoogans are a bit more on the experienced side when it comes to the number of bedmates. The 16% with more than 50 was a bit surprising, and makes us wonder if we are missing out on all the good party invitations. And how do you even keep track? We can only imagine what your Facebook page looks like...

52% 44% 4% 1%

When it comes to first-time sexual experience, the results were almost evenly balanced between under 18 (52%) and between 18 and 25 (44%). We are a little surprised that 4% of you made it through college, though.

What’s so casual about sex?

Married 37% Single 24% Committed relationship with opposite-sex partner 19% Committed relationship with same-sex partner 1% Divorced 17% Separated 2% OK, for the one percent of you in a committed relationship with a samesex partner, you obviously clicked the wrong box in the previous question.

“Sex has become the icing. Good conversation, doing stuﬀ together, relating and sharing things in the relationship is the priority.” “I am a little more open to experimentation personally than I used to be but for the most part my attitude has stayed the same. Anything two or more adults want to do with or to each other is ﬁne.”

Fourth date (or longer) Wedding date

31% 9%

While the fourth date seems to be the charm, we are quite honestly rather worried about the lack of responsibility shown by many daters who jump in the sack right off the bat.

In some mythical perfect world, everyone is happily married to the spouse of their dreams and has fantastic sex whenever they want. Back here on planet Earth, though, there are a great number of people who are not married who are actively pursuing the dating lifestyle.

How long do you normally date someome before having sex? First date Second date Third date

26% 22% 29%

Who’s Sleeping With Whom? Infidelity has been a major sexual issue since the dawn of mankind. Yet, according to our poll, fully 45% of Chattanoogans do not believe that sex outside of marriage or a committed relationship is wrong.

Have you ever cheated on a significant other? Yes No

How old were you the first time you had sex? Under 18 18-25 26-35 Never (virgin)

Relation status?

“After being married for many years to a man who expected sex in return for everything he did for me, I now enjoy sex with no attachments or obligations.”

If you engage in casual sex, do you practice safe sex? Yes No

62% 40%

Seriously, people. While the "No" response is 9% better than last year, 40% is still way too high. It’s been a very long time since birth control was all you had to worry about. Considering how many of you have had multiple partners, it just makes no sense for safe sex not to be the default. We could pull out all the statistics to prove our point—and bum everyone out—but instead we’ll stand by the sage advice to “wrap that rascal”.

How important is a potential partners appearance? It's part of the appeal Important at first Not important

79% 19% 4%

We live in a society where beauty is objectified and sex is used to sell everything from clothes to cometics to cars, so it's not that surprising that looks are what grabs the eye.

49% 51%

That’s an awful lot of cheating going on around town. Which may go a long way to explain why the divorce rate is matching the marriage rate these days. What is also interesting is that the rate of cheating has remained relatively unchanged in the four years The Pulse has been conducting the annual sex survey.

Have you ever regretted having sex with someone? “Yes, becasue we were good friends and once we had sex it just changed everything.” “No regrets because my standards are fairly high.” “Yes, because they were a jerk the next day.” “No. If I had sex with a girl it was because we had been in a long term relationship and I truly cared for her.”

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Cover Story If you could cheat on your significant other and were guaranteed to never get caught, would you?

Is an orgasm necessary for you to consider it good or satisfying sex?

27% 73%

“Yes. Otherwise, it's like a bagel with no cream cheese, cereal without milk, ice cream without hot fudge.”

Interestingly, it seems that of the people who are straying from the homefront, a good number of them are wanting to get caught. Simply put, if half of the folks in this town are sleeping around, yet only a fifth of them worry about getting caught, it appears that this may be one of the more popular ways to end a relationship: getting caught. And to further clarify what is considered cheating, we asked the “Clinton Question”:

“I think it is the connection of two people both physically and emotionally that can make sex satisfying.”

Yes No

In your opinion, is oral sex considered the same as intercourse? Yes No

36% 64%

“Absolutely, but it takes time. You must get to know the person ﬁrst. These things don't just happen overnight.” “It often times is more about the journey than the destination.” What We Like To Do advertising for everything from clothes to cosmetics to cars (and lots of other products in the rest of the alphabet). It is what drives our species to create the next generation; it often leads to wars and conflicts, and its lack often leads to depression and worse. Plus, it’s so much fun to talk about.

33% 38% 27% 2%

How do you feel about your sexual ability?

It appears that "May-December" is not just a Hollywood staple, but a reality of Chattanooga dating.

Extremely confidant Somewhat confidant A beginner Need some help

56% 43% 2% 2%

If you are in a relationship, how often per month do you have sex on average? 0 2 5 7

to 1 time to 4 times to 7 times times +

The Standard Sex Life While sex may not be the most important thing in the world, it sure beats whatever is in second place. It is built into our genes and our hormones and is the cornerstone of

82% 16% 2% 0%

94% 6%

If so, how often do you masturbate?

Very important Important Somewhat important Not important

58% 42%

to 1 time to 4 times to 7 times times +

Yes No

How would you rank your sexual life in terms of importance to you?

Yes No

0 2 5 7

Do you masturbate?

Looks like our former president has indeed had a lasting impact on society, if not in a way that many of the more conservative elements of society would have preferred.

Have you ever had sex with someone more than ten years older—or younger—than you?

If you are not in a relationship, how often per week do you have sex on average?

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26% 18% 26% 30%

A few times a month A few times a week Daily A few times a year I don't masturbate Multiple times daily

35% 34% 13% 11% 5% 2%

The old saying is, "94% of people masturabte, the other 6% lie about it."And the 2% of you that go at it all the time, how old are you, sixteen?

There are probably more varieties of sexual acts—and opinions about each—than can be put into a paper even a hundred times as large as ours. As popular as Kama Sutra and the more modern Joy of Sex have been, not everyone is willing (or even capable) of doing everything under the sun...even if they were willing to have sex outside under the sun.

If you are in a relationship, would you prefer your partner's sexual desires to be: More adventurous Less adventurous It ain’t broke now

66% 2% 33%

Do you have sex with the lights on or off? Lights on Lights off Black light Strobe light

67% 48% 11% 7%

Do you feel the American view of sexuality is healthy? “I feel like it's not, it is a little too Puritan and I believe sex wouldn't and shouldn't ruin friendships.” “Not even remotely. This is one of the most sexually uptight societies. People really need to stop sticking their noses into other people's bedrooms.” “Not really. I feel it is too conservative and prudish. It gives sex the stigma of being taboo. Everyone wants the forbidden, and they don't always do that in a safe manner. Less scandal and more education. Serious education, not a banana and a condom.” “If by 'healthy' you mean 'backwardly stiﬂing and horribly repressed', then yes.”

Cover Story Have you ever participated in a threesome or group sex? Yes No

How would you describe your sexual nature? Anything goes? Conservative?

43% 57%

“Somewhat conservative. I'm willing to try lots of things, but there are a few that are oﬀ limits.”

Do you use toys, costumes, leather, role-playing or other “non-vanilla” touches? Yes No

“I am insatiable!!! Unfortunately that could be a bit intimidating for my boyfriend. Sometimes you just want to be the wild cat you are.”

40% 60%

How much time do you spend

“A little adventurerus...taking into account what 'anything goes' means in these days when EVERY kink has a web site.” Woman - have you ever faked an orgasm?

engaged in foreplay before having sex? None 10 minutes 30 minutes 1 hour

6% 51% 40% 10%

It is nice to know that over 90% of you take the time to make the sexual experience something more than just "slam, bam, thank you ma'am". And for the 10% of you that go an hour or longer...you have our admiration.

Do you act out fantasies? Yes No

37% 64%

Research has shown the most popular fantasies are doctor and nurse, "strangers in the night", and exhibitionism. Helloooooo nurse!

Never Once or twice Sometimes Do so regularly Every time

19% 24% 50% 9% 4%

“Anything goes with plenty of respect and deﬁned parameters.”

Have you ever engaged in public sex? Yes No

64% 36%

Well-known sex therapst Dr. Ruth Westheimer once said that faking orgasm is missing the entire point. But, yes guys, women do it and it has happened to you. Don't believe us? Rent When Harry Met Sally. We still think Meg Ryan deserved an Oscar for that performance.

43% 60%

75% 25%

Have you ever videotaped yourself having sex? Yes No

38% 62%

Let's just hope those of you who answered yes never become famous. Because as soon as you do, you can pretty much gurantee that the video of you and your partner will soon be hawked on web sites around the world. Just ask Tommy Lee and Pamela Anderson.

What is the most effective way to achieve orgasm? With a regular partner With a new partner With multiple partners On your own

74% 6% 3% 26%

“Looks, laughter, intelligence, comfortable around people.”

Yes No

The more you drink, the better the other person looks. Might not be a politically correct statement, but any bartender will tell you it's the stone cold vodka-buzzed truth.

What qualities make someone sexually appealing?

Do you regularly use pornographic materials during masturbation and/or sex?

Has alcohol ever played a role in your sex life?

Have you ever engaged in 'Sexting',"phone sex" or other virtual sexual practices? Yes No

64% 36%

“They must have a sense of humor and sexy eyes, a clean shaven neck, smile often and smell good.”

One of the new questions in the sruvey this year, and it appears that smart phones have become a major part of American sexuality.

“Conversation! Being able to connect one on one through language usually tells me what type of experience it will be in the sack.”

How happy are you, overall, with your sex life?

“Intelligence, kindness, sense of humor, aﬀectionate, sensitive. Someone who cares about sex, is knowledgeable about it, enjoys sex, and wants to make it interesting and nice each and every time.” “Comfortable and aware of with their own body, emotional and intellectual intelligence.”

Very happy Happy Unhappy Very unhappy

18% 61% 20% 3%

And it's nice to see what nearly 80% of you are pleased with your sex life. The rest of you, all we can do is hope that 2010 is a better year for you.

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Driving Diversions

By Janis Hashe

A Grown-up Greenville I

Extreme (and not so) Outdoors:

f you’d like a preview of some of the changes coming down the pike to Chattanooga, hit the road for 250 miles to Greenville, SC. BMW moved into the formerly sleepy small city in 1992, and as the old song goes, “How you gonna keep ’em down on the farm/ Now that they’ve seen Berlin?” Just like Chattanooga, from Cherokee times, through the Revolutionary and Civil Wars, to its industrial period, Greenville and its surrounding Upcountry have been at the heart of a lot of history. Visitors to this bustling little town will find very sophisticated arts, dining and shopping options, unique pieces of baseball and automotive history, and right outside it, lovely countryside full of outdoors opportunities. Shoeless Joe and German cars Baseball buffs still recount the tragic story of “Shoeless Joe” Jackson, one of the sport’s alltime best hitters, who was convicted in the Black Sox scandal of 1919 and banned from baseball. Attempts continue to restore his good name and make him eligible for the Hall of Fame. A touching tribute to him is a Greenville landmark: The Shoeless Joe Jackson Museum and Baseball Library. Housed in Jackson’s actual house, and staffed by devoted volunteers, the museum contains priceless baseball artifacts, including Jackson’s ultra-rare signature, which he “drew” because he could not write. www.shoelessjoejackson.org Shifting gears to another don’t-miss: BMW Zentrum, located just outside the city in Greer, is a stunning tribute to some of world’s best-engineered cars. Everything from tiny three-wheelers to the 507 Roadster is on display here. You can also tour the plant Monday-Friday. www.bmwusfactory.com World-class art and interactive history Within easily walkable Heritage Green, The Greenville County Museum of Art, www. greenvillemuseum.org, contains outstanding

collections of American artists Jasper Johns and Andrew Wyeth, plus galleries of work from Southern artists that will surprise and delight artlovers. And the interactive Upcountry History Museum, www.upcountryhistory, uses videos and walk-in exhibits to tell the region’s story, from Cherokee times to the present. Especially notable are the videos that tell the stories of city civil-rights pioneers. Those who enjoy discovering new artists should beeline straight to the Pendleton Street Art District, a re-energized area of studios, galleries, shops and coffee houses that will remind you of our own Main Street revival. Within the Flatiron Building alone, 1203-1211 Pendleton Street, you’ll find art&light gallery, showcasing new work, Knack, with coolly re-purposed furniture, Kyle, modern paintings by Kyle Buttram, and Lily Pottery, clay as form and function. And no visit to Greenville is complete without a stroll through Falls Park, smack dab in the center of the Main Street District, and across the Liberty Bridge to view the Reedy River as it cascades down through the city. Many of the restaurants and shops along both sides of the river offer refreshing views of its changing waters.

Books have been written about the plethora of walking, running, hiking, bicycling, kayaking, canoeing, rock climbing and other outdoors activities in the area surrounding Greenville. Not only are no less than 12 state parks close by, providing nature and exercise opportunities of all levels, but top-class athletes, such as Greenville’s own famous cyclist, George Hincapie, now make the region their home. If leisurely walking is for you, you may not need to leave the walking-friendly city limits at all. But if, say, the Paris Mountain 20K is more your style, that’s an option as well. Go magazine, published monthly, will give you a complete breakdown of outdoors events in the area, www.gomagsc. com. For information about state parks, visit www. southcarolinaparks.com

If You Go: For a city its size, Greenville has a big selection of places to stay, comprising everything from luxury B&Bs to econo motels. Here are two distinct choices: Hotels: The Westin Poinsett Greenville, built in 1925 and reopened in 2000, is a beautifully restored property on happening Main Street. (864) 4219700. www.westin.com/poinsett Inn: About 25 miles into the mountains is the luxurious La Bastide Country Inn. Surrounded by its own vineyards, the inn features first-class dining for guests and rooms furnished in French antiques. (864) 836-8463. www.labastide.com

More Information: The Greenville Convention & Visitors Bureau, (800) 717-0023, www.greenvillecvb.com, can send you the Michelin-produced Greenville and Upcountry guide.

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Life In The Noog

By Chuck Crowder

Un-Date-Able! W

ell, it’s the Valentine’s season and this year the heart-shaped Whitman’s Sampler is all mine—for I am single, single, single. Why, do you ask, is a talented, good-looking hipster such as myself alone on opening day of the hunting season for love? That’s beside the point. For you see, finding that special someone is a mathematical equation which no great mind in history has ever been able to wrap their head around and solve. If you’re smart like Einstein, then you don’t get it. If you’re dumb like “The Situation,” you also don’t get it. But it’s simple really: males < than or = to a +/- female have < than the ability to add 1 + 1 and = 2. And the > the participants are in age, the more difficult this equation is to solve. Here’s why. In the teenage years and into your early twenties, males and females are on pretty much the same wavelength (albeit males have greater “needs” than females during this period). These are the salad years, when a person’s goal in life is to get married and have babies as soon as you can get that girl to take her pants off. You don’t care, you’re ready for anything…anytime…anywhere. So, a lot of people do explore that path and end up getting divorced ten years later. It’s a proven fact. No matter what year in your twenties you get married these days, you will be divorced within ten years. That’s part of the equation. Now, in that time, you’ve probably had at least one

kid. So, the “having a kid” door has opened…and shut. If you haven’t explored marriage by age 30 due to more loftier pursuits such as finishing grad school, starting your own business and/or climbing Mt. Everest, or you did get married but it didn’t take before kids entered the picture, then at some point in your early-to-mid thirties, your goals turn from conquering the world to aspiring towards the opportunity to clean up someone else’s poop for a few years. That’s right. People (especially women) who wanted kids “someday” in their twenties MUST have kids “right away” in their early-to-mid thirties. And this undying urge to procreate kind of clouds their judgment toward the opposite sex. A desperate girl might say, “Sure, he did a little time in prison, but he was only 22 at the time—he didn’t know any better.” The male counterpart might say of his love interest, “I know she wears a lot of eye make-up and has 14 cats, but that’s what makes her so nurturing.” So those people get married and have babies…then get divorced in less than five years. They married the wrong person for the wrong

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reasons—which brings us to late thirty-somethings who’ve never married, lived with someone, dated someone for at least a year, or had children. Those people just can’t be trusted. Most are discovered as never having completed one of these relationship experiences in their late thirties or early forties. For it’s by this age when any one (or more) of the aforementioned should have normally occurred in their lives. And it’s at that point in meeting someone of this nature that you naively say to yourself, “Why hasn’t this jewel been snatched up long ago?” So you take a chance on dating them and figure out real quick why their luck hasn’t been so good. Insane in the membrane. I say that, but someone who hasn’t been able to hold down a relationship long enough for the newness to wear off either has expectations that are too high, self esteem that is too low, the inability or unwillingness to compromise, or they have 14 cats. This brings us back to me. I am 42 and have experienced all of the above—some on more than a couple of occasions. I was married in my twenties, divorced by thirty, lived with someone, dated a few others for a year or more and have a beautiful 14-year-old daughter. So what gives? Well, I tell ya. Anyone who’s been out there as long as I have will gladly share their war stories, and likely provide some much appreciated advice on dating. And the one thing they are sure to tell you is—sometimes the pain just ain’t worth the gain. Be picky. Choose wisely, grasshappa. And when you find a good one, hold on for dear life. Happy Valentine’s Day!

“These are the salad years, when a person’s goal in life is to get married and have babies as soon as you can get that girl to take her pants off.”

Chuck Crowder is a local writer and general man about town. His opinions are just that. Everything expressed is loosely based on fact, and crap he hears people talking about. Take what you just read with a grain of salt, but pepper it in your thoughts. And be sure to check out his popular website www.thenoog.com

95.3 Pulse News www.chattanoogapulse.com 2.4.10 The Pulse

Music Calendar Thursday Spotlight

Channing Wilson Guitar and harmonica country grooves with local hero Wilson. No cover 9 p.m. Bud’s Sports Bar, 5751 Brainerd Rd. (423) 499-9878. www.budssportsbar.com

Thursday, Feb. 4 Open Mic 8 p.m. The Riverhouse, 224 Frazier Ave. (423) 752-0066. www.myspace.com/ theriverhousechattanooga Another Fine Mess 9 p.m. The Palms at Hamilton, 6925 Shallowford Rd., #202. (423) 499-5055. www.thepalmsathamilton.com Open Mic with Gabriel Newell 9 p.m. Market Street Tavern, 850 Market St. (423) 634-0260. www.marketstreettavern.com Channing Wilson 9 p.m. Bud’s Sports Bar, 5751 Brainerd Rd. (423) 499-9878. Casey Adams Band, Doghouse Roses 9:30 p.m. Rhythm & Brews, 221 Market St. (423) 267-4644. www.rhythm-brews.com Georgia Scruff 10 p.m. Northshore Grille, 16 Frazier Ave. (423) 757-2000. www.northshoregrille.com North American Royalty, more 10 p.m. JJ’s Bohemia, 231 E. MLK Blvd. (423) 266-1400. www.myspace.com/jjsbohemia DJ ScubaSteve Fox and Hound Pub & Grille, 2040 Hamilton Place Blvd., #150. (423) 490-1200.

Friday, Feb. 5 Mark Kelly Hall and Charlsey Etheridge 6 p.m. Mudpie Restaurant, 12 Frazier Ave. (423) 267-9043. www.mudpierestaurant.com

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Friday Spotlight

Roger Alan Wade 6 p.m. JJ’s Bohemia, 231 E. MLK Blvd. (423) 266-1400. www.myspace.com/jjsbohemia Booker Scruggs Ensemble 8 p.m. The Original Blue Orleans Restaurant, 3208 Amnicola Hwy. (423) 629-6538. The Holiness Movement, The Goldroom Etc., Jesus H. Chrysler 8 p.m. Ziggy’s Hideaway, 607 Cherokee Blvd. (423) 634-1074. myspace.com/ziggyshideaway Bob Marley Birthday Bash 9 p.m. Loose Cannon, 1800 Rossville Avenue, (423) 648-0992. loosecannonartandevents.com Special Guest Candi Stratton, National All American Goddess 9 p.m. Images, 6500 Lee Hwy. www.imagesbar.com Karaoke 9 p.m. Mudpie Restaurant, 12 Frazier Ave. (423) 267-9043. www.mudpierestaurant.com Ryan Oyer 9 p.m. Market Street Tavern, 850 Market St. (423) 634-0260. www.marketstreettavern.com Overture for Rent 9 p.m. The Foundry, 1201 Broad St. (423) 424- 3775. www.chattanooganhotel.com Robosapien, Ron Day, This is Art 9:30 p.m. Rhythm & Brews, 221 Market St. (423) 267-4644. www.rhythm-brews.com Iron Mike and the Delta Rockers 10 p.m. T-Bones Sports Café, 1419 Chestnut Ave. (423) 266-4240. www.tboneschattanooga.com Karaoke 10 p.m. Chattanooga Billiards Club East, 110 Jordan Drive (423) 499-3883 www.cbcburns.com Downstream 10 p.m. Bud’s Sports Bar, 5751 Brainerd Rd. (423) 499-9878.

How I Became the Bomb, Moonlight Bride, The Zut Alors 10 p.m. JJ’s Bohemia, 231 E. MLK Blvd. (423) 266-1400. www.myspace.com/jjsbohemia Live Music 10 p.m. Tremont Tavern, 1203 Hixson Pike. (423) 266-1996. www.tremonttavern.com DJ Spicolli Raw Sushi Bar Restaurant & Nightclub, 409 Market Street, (423) 756-1919. www.myspace.com/jimstriker DJ GOP The Palms at Hamilton, 6925 Shallowford Rd. (423) 499-5055.

Saturday, Feb. 6 Did You Mean Australia, On Paradise Boulevard, Every Word a Prophecy, Awaken the Dawn 7:30 p.m. Club Fathom, 412 Market Street (423) 757-0019. www.clubfathom.com Billy Hopkins Trio 10 p.m. T-Bones Sports Café, 1419 Chestnut Ave. (423) 266-4240. www.tboneschattanooga.com Karaoke 8 p.m. Rhapsody Café, 1201 Hixson Pike. (423) 266-3093. Out of Body, New Death Sensation, Geneva Decent, The Looking Glass Self, Lydian Skyline 8 p.m. Ziggy’s Hideaway, 607 Cherokee Blvd. (423) 634-1074. Open Mic Night 9 p.m. Mudpie Restaurant, 12 Frazier Ave. (423) 267-9043. www.mudpierestuarant.com Special Guest Candi Stratton, National All American Goddess 9 p.m. Images, 6500 Lee Hwy. www.imagesbar.com Eddies of the Wind 9 p.m. Market Street Tavern, 850 Market St. (423) 634-0260. www.marketstreettavern.com

How I Became the Bomb, Moonlight Bride, The Zut Alors Should be a kick-ass bill for a night out at JJ’s. $7 10 p.m. JJ’s Bohemia, 231 E. MLK Blvd. (423) 266-1400. www.myspace.com/jjsbohemia Moon Taxi with Underhill 10 p.m. Rhythm & Brews, 221 Market St. (423) 267-4644. www.rhythm-brews.com Queerwolf, True Stereo, Hidden Sports, James Legg 10 p.m. JJ’s Bohemia, 231 E. MLK Blvd. (423) 266-1400. www.myspace.com/jjsbohemia Live Music 10 p.m. Tremont Tavern, 1203 Hixson Pike. (423) 266-1996. www.tremonttavern.com DJ Spicolli Raw Sushi Bar Restaurant & Nightclub, 409 Market Street, (423) 756-1919. DJ GOP The Palms at Hamilton, 6925 Shallowford Rd. (423) 499-5055. www.thepalmsathamilton.com

Sunday, Feb. 7 Open Mic w/Jeff Daniels 4 p.m. Ms. Debbie’s Nightlife Lounge 4762 Highway 58, (423) 485-0966. myspace.com/debbieslounge Irish Sessions 6:30 p.m. Tremont Tavern, 1203 Hixson Pike. (423) 266-1996. www.tremonttavern.com Open Mic 8 p.m. Gene’s Bar & Grill, 724 Ashland Terrace, (423) 870-0880. Miss Tennessee All American Goddess Pageant 9 p.m. Images, 6500 Lee Hwy. www.imagesbar.com Ka ory Oke 10 p.m. JJ’s Bohemia, 231 E. MLK Blvd. (423) 266-1400. www.myspace.com/jjsbohemia

Music Calendar

Send your calendar events to us at calendar@chattanoogapulse.com

Saturday Spotlight

Moon Taxi with Underhill Rock meets jam and takes a cab to the moon. $7 10 p.m. Rhythm & Brews, 221 Market St. (423) 267-4644. www.rhythm-brews.com DJ GOP The Palms at Hamilton, 6925 Shallowford Rd. (423) 499-5055. www.thepalmsathamilton.com

Monday, Feb. 8 Old Tyme Players 6 p.m. Market Street Tavern, 850 Market St. (423) 634-0260. www.marketstreettavern.com Take it Back!, Ambush!, Continuance, Divide the Sea, Stand Your Ground, In This Hour 7 p.m. The Warehouse, 5716 Ringgold Rd., East Ridge. www.myspace.com/ warehousetn Paul Longhorn’s 18 Piece Chattanooga Big Band 7:30 p.m. Lindsay Street Hall, 901 Lindsay Street. (423) 755-9111 www.lindsaystreethall.com Karaoke 9:30 p.m. Bud’s Sports Bar, 5751 Brainerd Rd. (423) 499-9878. www.budssportsbar.com The Palms at Hamilton 6925 Shallowford Rd. (423) 499-5055. www.thepalmsathamilton.com

Tuesday, Feb. 9 Fiesta Night & Billy Hopkins 5 p.m. Market Street Tavern, 850 Market St. (423) 634-0260. The Ben Friberg Trio 7 p.m. Table 2, 232 E. 11th Street, (423) 756-8253. www.table2restaurant.com

Sunday Spotlight

Spoken Word/Poetry Night 8 p.m. The Riverhouse, 224 Frazier Avenue, (423) 752-0066. www.myspace.com/ theriverhousechattanooga Open Mic 8 p.m. Tremont Tavern, 1203 Hixson Pike, (423) 266-1996. www.tremonttavern.com Speaker Battlke with MCs and DJs 10 p.m. Coltrane’s on 9th, 1 Uinion Square. (423) 468-7100. Nineball, Ocean is Theory, The Great Transparency 7 p.m. The Warehouse, 5716 Ringgold Rd., East Ridge. myspace.com/warehousetn Open Mic 9 p.m. Tremont Tavern, 1203 Hixson Pike. (423) 266-1966. www.tremonttavern.com Karaoke 9:30 p.m. Bud’s Sports Bar, 5751 Brainerd Rd. (423) 499-9878. www.budssportsbar.com

All You Can Eat Comedy Buffet 9 p.m. JJ’s Bohemia, 231 E. MLK Blvd. (423) 266-1400. www.myspace.com/jjsbohemia DJ ScubaSteve Fox and Hound Pub & Grille, 2040 Hamilton Place Blvd #150, (423) 490-1200. DJ GOP The Palms at Hamilton, 6925 Shallowford Rd. (423) 499-5055. www.thepalmsathamilton.com

Wednesday, Feb. 10 Ben Friberg Trio 7 p.m. Market Street Tavern, 850 Market St. (423) 634-0260. www.marketstreettavern.com Fried Chicken 8 p.m. The Palms at Hamilton, 6925 Shallowford Rd., #202. (423) 499-5055. www.thepalmsathamilton.com

Irish Sessions Start tuning up, lads…St. Paddy’s is not far off. No cover. 6:30 p.m. Tremont Tavern, 1203 Hixson Pike. (423) 266-1966. www.tremonttavern.com Jason Thomas and the MeanEyed Cats 9 p.m. Bud’s Sports Bar, 5751 Brainerd Rd. (423) 499-9878. www.budssportsbar.com Leticia Wolf and The Nim Nims 9 p.m. Rhythm & Brews, 221 Market Street. (423) 266-1996. www.rhythm-brews.com DJ GOP The Palms at Hamilton, 6925 Shallowford Rd. (423) 499-5055. www.thepalmsathamilton.com

Editor’s Pick of the Week

Got a gig coming up that you want to tell the world about? All you need to do to get the word out for free is to send us your information (the basic when, where and time) and we will list it here in the weekly music calendar.

Queerwolf, True Stereo, Hidden Spots, James Legg Come out and pay some respect to some local bands…our own developing music scene needs your support! Saturday, February 6 $7 10 p.m. JJ’s Bohemia, 231 E. MLK Blvd (423) 266-1400. www.myspace.com/jjsbohemia

Email the particulars to us at calendar@chattanoogapulse. com at least ten days before the event. And for last minute changes and updates, be sure to visit chattanoogahasfun.com for the most comprehensive music and events calendar in Chattanooga (and beyond).

95.3 Pulse News www.chattanoogapulse.com 2.4.10 The Pulse

Music Feature

By Hellcat

The Fire and The Flood of Leticia Wolf O

ne of our local songbirds has definitely stretched out her wings and flown the coop, so to speak. As I’ve mentioned before, Leticia Wolf moved to Nashville a little over a year ago, and left a lot of her friends, family, and fans missing her. But as we all know, if you love something, you’ve got to let it go. Luckily, the short driving distance between here and there allows her to come back to us pretty often. She moved to pursue bigger and better opportunities, and she’s been quite successful in doing just that. Leticia signed into a contract with Myspace Records, and became a part of their Friends and Family program, which is basically a one-year contract where Myspace helps with free advertisements, banners, articles, links, and other promotional tools. She’s been given the main feature on the login page and on the Myspace Music page. They have also helped her to network with other Myspace artists and have served as a stepping stone into the lineups of many festivals, such as the Florida Music Festival, Miami Music Festival, and coming up in March, South By South West. She will be returning to Chattanooga to share her new album, The Fire and the Flood, with us at Rhythm & Brews on February 10, with a full band and special guests The Nim Nims. If you’ve ever wondered if you shared any of my musical taste, this would be a perfect show to attend, as I love both artists. This is what Leticia had to say: Hellcat: What’s behind the title? Leticia Wolf: It came pretty easily. We started looking at it and what the songs were about. A lot of mentioning of water and fire in the lyrics, whether the water was sweat or tears or just plain water. I find that fires and floods are both devastating elements, but they are also very cleansing and can help you start over. A horrible circumstance that can lead to a rebirth, which is what the album is about. HC: I like that. It’s like taking a tragedy and making a growth period out of it. What’s your favorite song on this album?

LW: They change, because I’ve been working on this album a little under a year, but right now it is “Then I Woke Up”. There are three different drummers on the song. It’s not loud or heavy, but it has a lot of things going on. One drummer just plays brushes. I like it because it’s wordy and fast, so it’s fun performing it, too. HC: What has the hardest song been for you to get down? LW: Several songs on the album got tracked and then re-tracked as we found new textures and layers we could add or take away. “Money, Love, Cold”, was recorded four different ways. I wanted it to be a throwback-sounding tune that was tongue and cheek but not typical Nashville style. Ben Jarvis put a shaker on it, and it fixed everything. HC: Gotta ask about one of my favorites, “Forever in Fire”... LW: That one was a creepy cornerstone that showed me which direction I wanted to go with the album. How that song feels with the original emotions that I had when I wrote it, that’s what I wanted. It’s getting more plays than my other songs, so I think it’s working. HC: OK—my new favorite song is “Song For a Baby Bird.” it’s amazing. LW: I wrote that song pretty fast and I was intoxicated when I wrote it. HC: Really? No wonder it speaks to me... LW: Yeah, I was wine drunk one night at home, and the next day I had it recorded and it hasn’t changed a bit since then. I walked out on the porch and saw a baby bird. It reminded me of when I was little and I used to find little baby birds, or people would bring me little baby birds to take care of and of course, I’d take them, but they would inevitably die. It was traumatic. The concept that everything that I was given was destined to die, just jumped up and hit me like a slap in the face. The extended metaphor of finding a baby bird, caring for it, and feeling the gravity of the situation, that it was going to die. The parallel to relationships is pretty clear. It’s like I’d practiced my whole life. I started when I was four years old, trying to keep a wounded bird alive then, as an adult, moved on to wounded men. I wrote it in about 45 minutes, then polished the

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“The concept that everything that I was given was destined to die, just jumped up and hit me like a slap in the face.” metaphor to make it really clear as a relationship song and the struggle of keeping a relationship alive. HC: Is it weird coming back to Chattanooga? LW: Nope. It’s been a while since I released an album in Chattanooga. I did this record and I’m really proud of it. I want to share it with Rhythm & Brews, and all my friends and family in Chattanooga. Plus, I will be bringing a full band that I play with often; so that will be a nice change, since most people aren’t used to seeing me with a full band. HC: Count me in, you and The Nim Nims? Wouldn’t miss it.

Leticia Wolf and The Nim Nims $5 9 p.m. Wednesday, February 10 Rhythm & Brews, 221 Market Street (423) 267-4644. www.rhythm-brews.com

New Music Reviews Various Artists: Fire in My Bones: Raw, Rare & Otherworldly African-American Gospel, 1944-2007 (Tompkins Square)

“Potential listeners should take the title description 'raw, rare & otherworldly' seriously. ”

Various Artists: Rhythm & Blues (Putumayo World Music) Putumayo World Music’s newest release, Rhythm & Blues, is the fifth in a series of collaborations in their American music series and is touted as “classical rhythm & blues performed by firstgeneration legends and rising stars of today’s retro R&B revival.” Rhythm & Blues is produced by various artists in collaboration with the Putumayo

Any respectable overview of American music requires a chapter on gospel music, and ignoring gospel music in this nation’s history leads to an incomplete picture, like one without jazz, country, or the blues. Harry Smith’s essential and influential Anthology of American Folk Music from 1952, released on Folkways, included a penetrating disc of spiritual music from the eve and early years of the Great Depression, and props go to Dust-to-Digital for its 6-disc compilation released in 2003 of earlyto-mid 20th-century gospel, entitled Goodbye, Babylon. However, the music market isn’t exactly crowded with well-curated gospel collections. The new 3-disc Fire in My Bones is a distinguished entry worthy of attention, centered on the postwar era and full of obscure and astounding African-American gospel music. Potential listeners should take the title description “raw, rare & otherworldly” seriously. Make no mistake—this is not glossy, contemporary gospel or “praise music.” Most selections are not high-fidelity recordings, and the vast majority of the singers and musicians here are unknowns, with songs released primarily in limited batches on regional independent labels. Actually, the only performer’s name I recognized among the 80 tracks was that of Abner Jay, and we’re informed that many of the musicians represented on the set have only one known release to each name. On some level, compiler Mike McGonigal (founder of Yeti magazine) may be channeling Harry Smith, who assembled the Anthology not as a strictly representative folk document but one with some of the most

eccentric records in his collection. McGonigal is careful to point out in the liner notes that although he strived for diversity, he was not presenting the set as a collection of novelties or “outsider music.” Blues and folk origins are widely evident, and there are plenty of call-and-response numbers. However, the compilation branches out in a remarkable way, with a wide sonic variety and numbers that swing or rock out; there’s even some funk, a harmonica quartet, and a fife-and-drum number. One would guess that the performers mostly had modest ambitions (one group is the Madison County Senior Center Singers), but the purpose of a recording is not only for documentation but also to allow the music to be disseminated, to spread the word. In line with this, it’s interesting to hear how gospel adopted popular forms in order to aid this purpose, and in an unintentional moment of ironic humor, Elder Beck criticizes rock music for nearly bringing the “disintegration of our civilization,” before the song unleashes a wild, awe-inspiring rock guitar solo. — Ernie Paik

label. The CD features songs that pair blues and gospel with soul and pop. The aim of the album is clearly to celebrate the foundation of rhythm & blues. Unlike the other albums in the American music series: American Blues, New Orleans, Women of Jazz, and Mississippi Blues, this is the label’s first to focus exclusively on the genre and might be a welcome addition to an R&B fan’s collection. Lavelle White’s I’ve Never Found a Man to Love sounds soulfully similar to hits from girl groups White has performed with for the past four decades, including Gladys Knight & the Pips. With the edge of Aretha Franklin and her own smooth delivery, White elevates girl power everywhere. A Mother’s Love is a straight-out-of-

New-Orleans combination of sassiness and church hymn, led by a rhythm & blues guitarist with dexterous fingers. The recently deceased Snooks Eaglin was renowned for his electric guitar licks that left professionals during his lifetime awestruck and speechless, and A Mother’s Love is no exception. While I found most of the updated arrangements to be in no way superior to the originals, there is one standout. Sam Moore (of the classic soul duo Sam & Dave), Keb’ Mo’ and Angie Stone’s collaboration on Wang Dang Doodle is a lighter take on the Howlin’ Wolf classic, more groovy than growly. If this one don’t make you jump out of a chair, grind and shake what yo’ mama gave ya, then nothing will. — Stephanie L. Smith 95.3 Pulse News www.chattanoogapulse.com 2.4.10 The Pulse

Arts & Entertainment

Sleuths of Imaginative History

By Michael Crumb

“Down on Earth, we may not notice floating, airless moon rocks decorating the space around our familiar moon.”

he Cress Gallery happily presents collaborator artists Nicholas Miles Kahn and Richard Selesnick with their renowned presentations of “The Apollo Prophecies” and “Eisbergfreistadt” (“Iceberg Free State”). Ruth Grover, curator, believes this show to be a very fortunate entry in the ongoing John and Diane Marek Visiting Artist Series. Media involved include performative photography, video and

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sculpture. The work from these installations features intricate and consummate execution, but the conception of the work remains the most challenging element. These artists of surreal history, ranging from icy wilderness to outer space, produce a vertiginous grasping for reference of the real and a satirical indictment of presumed real history. A kind of history of such aesthetic enterprises may be found in Matt Glass’s Constructed Realities in the Age of Photography (see www.glassbrain). Down on Earth, we may not notice floating, airless moon rocks decorating the space around our familiar moon, nor do typical photographs show the ruins of tiny colonies a century old. Here we are indebted to Kahn and Selesnick for their panoramic photographic documentation of valiant Edwardians in their buffalo space coats pondering the temporal mysteries of the lunar inter-planetary threshold. In this new millennium of information overload, we may gasp at the loss of cultural products and the

confusion of fact and legend. Melies’s A Trip to the Moon (a very early film) and the moon novels of Jules Verne and H.G. Wells documented this imaginative soaring to embrace our colder sister, first neighbor in space. I’ll leave it to you to discover the uncanny astonishment that greeted these intrepid Edwardians and that fueled their meditations while they mined moon rocks for air! Kahn and Selesnick are currently pursuing a NASA grant to document the Martian surface. Perhaps they will discover the significance of the strange face on Mars, or unriddle the paradox of distant familiarity on the Red Planet. “Eisbergfriestadt” elegantly explores the microcosm of Lubeck, a German port city, when an iceberg drifts into its waters, and opportunistic capitalism exploits this icy environment. The viewer wades through a landslide of detritus from the aftermath. Here, a precious antique marzipan iceberg, there, a wheelbarrow full of “notgeld”, the local super-inflated currency, a “kartenspiel” card deck faces a wall witness to the intricate minutiae of Lubeck’s historic adventure. However you may arrive at this internationally acclaimed exhibition at the Cress Gallery, be prepared to rest in temporal dislocation and gaze at surreal archetypes so curiously indifferent to your stares.

KAHN AND SELESNICK: Work from “The Apollo Prophesies” and “Eisbergfreistadt” projects Cress Gallery of Art, UTC Fine Arts Building, Vine & Palmetto Streets Through March 16. (423) 425-4600. www.utc.edu/cressgallery

A&E Calendar Friday

Thursday

“Framing A Face” lecture and gallery tour with Alan Shuptrine Gallery owner Shuptrine looks at some of the Hunter’s framed faces. $9.95 6 p.m. Hunter Museum, 10 Bluff View. (423) 267-0968. www.huntermuseum.org

Send your calendar events to us at calendar@chattanoogapulse.com

“Textile Wall Hangings and Framed Pieces” by Martha McCallie: Opening reception 4 p.m. My Color Image Boutique and Art Gallery, 330 Frazier St. (423) 598-6202. “The Gifted Eye of Charles Eames” opening reception 6 p.m. Smart Furniture Studio, 313 Manufacturer’s Rd. (423) 643-0025. Shaking Ray Levi Society presents The Tiptons Sax Quartet 7:30 p.m. Barking Legs Theater, 1307 Dodds Ave. (423) 624-5347. Mame 7:30 p.m. Chattanooga Center for the Creative Arts, 1301 Dallas Rd. (423) 209-5942. Eddie Ifft 8 p.m. The Comedy Catch, 3224 Brainerd Rd. (423) 629-2233.

CSO Presents Rimsky-Korsakov Scheherazade Guest conductor Mei-Ann Chen leads the CSO. $19 - $79 8 p.m. Tivoli Theatre, 709 Broad Street. (423) 267-8583. www.chattanoogasymphony.org

Saturday

Our Town Opening weekend for Thornton Wilder’s beloved classic. $15.50 - $20 8 p.m. Chattanooga Theatre Centre, Main Stage, 400 River Street. (423) 267-8534. www.theatrecentre.com

Monday Daniel Deronda Film & lunch: part 2 11 a.m. Jewish Cultural Center, 5461 N. Terrace. (423) 493-0270. “Speak Easy” Spoken word and poetry 8 p.m. Mudpie Restaurant, 12 Frazier Ave. (423) 267-9040. www.mudpierestaurant.com “Themes of Identity” Hunter Museum of American Art, 10 Bluff View. (423) 266-0944. www.huntermuseum.org “New Spin” River Gallery, 400 E. Second St. (423) 265-5033. www.river-gallery.com “Love Supreme: An Exhibit Inspired by the Legendary John Coltrane” African American Museum, 200 E. MLK Blvd. (423) 266-8658. www.caamhistory.org

Delta Queen Pardi Gras Weekend Celebration with Hotel Stay Delta Queen Hotel, 100 River St. (423) 468-4500. www.deltaqueenhotel.com “Watershed: Prime Elements” opening reception 5 p.m. In-Town Gallery, 26A Frazier Ave. (423) 267-9214. www.intowngallery.com “Hot Mess” opening reception 5:30 p.m. Association for Visual Arts, 30 Frazier Ave. (423) 265-4282. Kcymaerxthaere Book Signing 6 p.m. Rock Point Books, 401 Broad St. (423) 504-0638. www.rockpointbooks.com “New Spin” opening reception 6:30 p.m. River Gallery, 400 E. Second St. (423) 265-5033. www.river-gallery.com

Soul Cinema Film Series: Cadillac Records 7:30 p.m. Bessie Smith Cultural Center, 200 E. MLK Blvd. (423) 266-8658. www.caamhistory.org Eddie Ifft 7:30, 10 p.m. The Comedy Catch & Giggles Grille, 3224 Brainerd Rd. (423) 629-2233. www.thecomedycatch.com Mame 7:30 p.m. Chattanooga Center for the Creative Arts, 1301 Dallas Rd. (423) 209-5942. Our Town 8 p.m. Chattanooga Theatre Centre, Main Stage, 400 River St. (423) 267-8534. Photographic Society Member’s Choice Exhibit Gallery at Blackwell, 71 Eastgate Loop. (423) 344-5643.

Sunday Delta Queen Pardi Gras Weekend Celebration with Hotel Stay Delta Queen Hotel, 100 River St. (423) 468-4500. www.deltaqueenhotel.com “Talk Portraiture” opening reception 10 a.m Shuptrine Fine Art Group, 2646 Broad St. (423) 266-4453. www.shuptrinefineartgroup.com Mosaic Market 11 a.m. 412 Market St. (corner of 4th/Market). (423) 624-3915. Mystery of the Nightmare High School Reunion 6 p.m. Vaudeville Café, 138 Market St. (423) 517-1839. www.funnydinner.com Eddie Ifft 7:30, 10 p.m. The Comedy Catch & Giggles Grille, 3224 Brainerd Rd. (423) 629-2233.

Mame 7:30 p.m. Chattanooga Center for the Creative Arts, 1301 Dallas Rd. (423) 209-5942. The Opera Show 8 p.m. Tivoli Theatre, 709 Broad St. (423) 757-5050. www.chattanoogaonstage.com The Mystery of the Red NeckItalian Wedding 8:30 p.m. Vaudeville Café, 138 Market St. (423) 517-1839. www.funnydinner.com Oils and Acrylics by Charlie Newton North River Civic Center, 1009 Executive Dr. (423) 870-8924. “Earthbound” Jewish Cultural Center, 5461 N. Terrace. (423) 493-0270. “Icebergs and Moonwalks” Cress Gallery, UTC, 752 Vine St. (423) 304-9789.

Tuesday

Wednesday

Quarterly Chattanooga Film Commission Meeting 6 p.m. Chattanooga Choo-Choo, 1400 Market St. (423) 894-8927. Flicks from the 60’s: A Raisin in the Sun 6:30 p.m. Chattanooga-Hamilton Bicentennial Library, 1001 Broad St. (423)757-5310. www.lib.chattanooga.gov To Kill A Mockingbird 7 p.m. Chatanooga History Center, 615 Lindsay St. (423) 265-3247. www.chattanoogahistory.org “Caribbean Sound: Calypso and Original Compostions” 7:30 p.m. Southern Adventist University, Iles P.E. Center, 4881 Taylor Cir. (423) 236-2880. Cabaret 7:30 p.m. Tivoli Theatre, 709 Broad St. (423) 757-5050. www.chattanoogaonstage.com

Multicultural Book Club: Beloved 6 p.m. Rock Point Books, 401 Broad St. (423) 504-0638. www.rockpointbooks.com “Twenty American Etchings” Hunter Museum of American Art, 10 Bluff View. (423) 266-0944. www.huntermuseum.org “New Spin” River Gallery, 400 E. Second St. (423) 265-5033. www.river-gallery.com “Love Supreme: An Exhibit Inspired by the Legendary John Coltrane” African American Museum, 200 E. MLK Blvd. (423) 266-8658. www.caamhistory.org Contemporary Art Hollis Gallery, 1401 Williams St. (866) 544-0896. www.hollisgallery.net

An Education AEC Spring Independent Film Series continues with the Audience Award winner from Sundance. Majestic Theatre, 311 Broad Street. (423) 265-5220. www.carmike.com

First Free Sundays Noon. Hunter Museum of Art, 10 Bluff View. (423) 266-0944. www.huntermuseum.org Schumann: “Hoch soll er leben” 3 p.m. Roland Hayes Concert Hall, UTC Fine Art Center, 615 McCallie Ave. (423) 425-4601. www.utc.edu/music 2009 UTC Feinstein Arts Scholarship Exhibition Cress Gallery, UTC, 752 Vine St. (423) 304-9789. “A Passion for Pitchers” Houston Museum Arts, 201 High St. (423) 267-7176. www.thehoustonmuseum.com “Textile Wall Hangings and Framed Pieces” by Martha McCallie My Color Image Boutique and Art Gallery, 330 Frazier St. (423) 598-6202.

Editor’s Pick: Featured Event Of The Week Artist Talk with Kevin Okeith Artist featured in the current Bessie Smith Cultural Center’s exhibition, “A Love Supreme”, works inspired by the music of John Coltrane, will talk about how these works were created and how it has impacted his life. Free Thursday, February 4, 6 p.m. Bessie Smith Cultural Center, 200 MLK Blvd. (423) 266-8658. www.caamhistory.org

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Solution To Last Weekâ€™s Puzzle

Never Worry About Losing A Copy Of The Pulse Keep Up Online at www.chattanoogapulse.com

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On The Beat

By Alex Teach

Greg Beck: Are You OK, Sir? I

was out and about last December shopping for a donut maker and a new set of jackboots when I first heard the news about a county commissioner making fun of one of their own sheriff’s deputies for not being “tough enough” to break up a fight without using a Taser. I made a mental note of it, then narrowed my choices to the Belshaw Mark V Electric Donut Maker or the Dough-Nu-Matic. (The Dough-Nu-Matic was far more self contained and practical for my kitchen space, but the Belshaw Mark V was commercial grade with a 60-second fry time and in it for the long haul. It was also a marvel to behold, and matched my appliances splendidly.) Later at home, Consumer Reports had let me down completely. I was becoming fairly wrought with indecision. Desperate for a distraction, I remembered the bit about the commissioner and decided to make a few calls. “…why are we using them on students?” the District 5 commissioner had said of the Taser usage during a December 2 meeting. “Officers should be tough enough to break up fights at school without resorting to Tasers.” He went on to speculate, “if a student is hurt or killed during the use of a Taser, the sheriff’s department is going to be liable.” Beat the kids up instead of stun them? What? Then a few weeks ago during another meeting, Commissioner Beck was part of a majority of commissioners voting to defer the purchase of phonetapping equipment for their sheriff’s office detectives. Here, Commissioner

Beck stated, “I know from my experience in law enforcement that this type of equipment can be—and has been—abused. We’re trying to hold back Big Brother, but he’s moving forward.” I can just imagine the look on Chief Deputy Alan Branum’s face, being a man who is, in my experience, used to being taken seriously. Now, insulting sheriff’s deputies and its administration may not be a big deal to you. In fact, authority should be questioned in governmental chambers (not the roadside, mind you) and always be held to a high standard…but after a certain point, saying they are neither “tough enough” nor “ethical” just seems like someone has an ax to grind… or they’re not used to thinking very much. (Polite, wasn’t I?) In the case of the S.R.O., a student had in fact been Tased. This student was actually an 18-year-old in excess of six feet tall engaged in a fistfight, and the school resource officer was in the mid-five-foot range and 40-50 pounds lighter. (She had even asked him to “stop” first before being forced to intervene.) Having been a recent candidate for the office of sheriff himself, clearly Mr. Beck wouldn’t have made a statement on the record without the facts at hand…so is he advocating the use of hands-on brute force on a high-school student to end a fight instead of a device his own commission approved the use and purchase of, then showing concern about liability for the same in one sitting? Be tough and use your fists (or batons?) on the kids so we don’t get sued for using a stun gun? I thought I was the asshole around here. Then as to the use of phone-tapping equipment: Bearing in mind that this is technology that the sheriff’s office already has access to and has had for

70 years, with no prior allegations of misuse or other questions until they asked to stop borrowing it and buy their own with seized drug money, not tax dollars…now he compares them to “Big Brother” based on his “law enforcement experience”? Sure, phonetapping equipment is scary, but in “his law enforcement experience”, has he ever been aware of its nearly insane regulation and oversight by the judicial system—this whole other independent level of American government? Somewhere in his heart, I really believe he meant well when he said we should be “tough enough” to, I presume, beat kids up instead of stunning them. I also think he meant well (somehow) when he implied the sheriff’s office may tap phones illegally. But when his years of law enforcement experience are drawn from being a crew leader at Combustion Engineering and as a bailiff (the guy who stands next to a judge’s bench; you know, like “Bull” from the ’80s hit show Night Court) according to his own resume…well, maybe he just shouldn’t always talk. Not with his Outside Voice, anyway. I mean, you’d be amazed at what a “knowing nod” can do when combined with steepled fingers. Trust me. In the meantime, speaking as a voter, in my opinion he is appearing not so much as a county commissioner but as Hamilton County’s Yogi Berra. It’s funny, sure, but not when you’re an actual resident of the area we are electing goofy people to govern in. He’s a nice guy. But I know two things: I know someone else had better at least just qualify to run against him in the upcoming elections instead of keeping him there by default. …And I know that I’m going for the Belshaw Mark V, though, apparently, I may not deserve it.

“You’d be amazed at what a ‘knowing nod’ can do when combined with steepled fingers. Trust me.”

When officer Alexander D. Teach is not patrolling our fair city on the heels of the criminal element, he is an occasional student at UTC, an up and coming carpenter, auto mechanic, prominent boating enthusiast, and spends his spare time volunteering for the Boehm Birth Defects Center.

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Spirits Within

Gin for the Gods

By Joshua Hurley

“Hendrick’s Gin is something a little different... it is a blend of two gins from two different distillation processes.”

s with last week’s selection, rum, gin is also a spirit that has not had its share of the limelight as a weekly Great Buy. “Great Buys” is where Riley’s Wine and Spirits on Hixson Pike in Hixson picks a favorite item from our large selection of wine and spirits from around the world and shares a bit of its history with the readership of The Pulse. This week’s selection: Hendrick’s Gin from Scotland. Gin was first conceived as a medicine when it was distilled in 17thcentury Holland by a University of Leyden chemist named Dr. Franciscus Sylvius. It is made by distilling oil

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from juniper berries and then redistilling them with pure alcohol. Its original name was genicure (French for juniper) but was later corrupted to genever by the Dutch. The British, nicknaming it “gin”, took an instant liking to the spirit, a bit of luck considering that they were desperate to find a cheaper beverage, as French wines and brandies were heavily taxed. Soon enough gin had become England’s drink of fashion. Sometime in the 1860s, a San Franciscan bartender named Jerry Thomas first combined gin and vermouth (dry vermouth is white wine flavored and fortified with herbs and spices) creating the “martini”, which would give gin worldwide recognition. Today, gin is still made from neutral spirits distilled with juniper berries, which come from evergreen trees—now you know where gin’s unique aroma comes from. The blend is then redistilled in a pot still. For added flavor, ingredients such as spice, herbs and fruit are hung above the pot. These ingredients mix with the rising vapors, giving gin subtle flavors, such as licorice, apples, orange, lime, lemon and grapefruit. Most gins on the market are not aged but some distillers do so in order to add flavor, to darken its color and smoothen its texture. There are two major types of gin: Dutch and London Dry. Both are made using the two-

step distilling process, with Dutch gin made in pot stills, and London Dry in column stills. London Dry is unsweetened gin and considered the better choice. Hendrick’s Gin is something a little different. Produced in Girvan, Scotland by William Grant and Sons, it is a blend of two gins from two different distillation processes. The first gin is produced in what is known as the Bennett Still. Here the neutral spirit is mixed with a botanical recipe and water, then left to steep for 24 hours. Once the ingredients are merged, the still is boiled into vapors, then turned back into liquid. The result is a gin heavy and oily in texture, with strong flavors of juniper. The second gin is made in the still known as The Carter Head Still. This still differs in that only the neutral spirit and water are mixed together, with the botanical ingredients kept separate in a basket just above the still, making the botanicals mix with the neutral spirit with vapors only. Naturally, this produces a gin sweeter in taste and lighter in texture. Once these two are brought together, Hendrick’s adds essence of cucumber and rose petals, adding to a creation not only unique in its origin but most certainly in taste as well. Hendrick’s Gin was voted “Best Gin in the World” by The Wall Street Journal in 2003 and also won a double gold medal at the San Francisco Wine and Spirits Competition in 2004. Riley’s recommends Hendrick’s Gin in a martini up with tonic water—it is with these mixers that you can best taste the two merging gindistilling processes represented in this outstanding spirit. Cheers!

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Film Feature

Educating Jenny

By Phillip Johnston

“Her direction is the very definition of boring and would threaten to make An Education a jumbled mess if it weren’t for Carey Mulligan’s performance as Jenny.”

mbedded in my childhood is the fuzzy memory of a VHS tape called Mr. T’s Be Somebody…or Be Somebody’s Fool. It was your typical star-studded 1980s public service announcement for kids, in which Mr. T, sporting an array of cutoffs and mounds of gold chains, extolled the virtues of resisting peer pressure, respecting one’s mother, and, of course, getting a proper education. Invoking his famous catchphrase, Mr. T made his purpose clear in the opening musical number: “If you don’t want to be a crazy fool, you better study real hard and stay in school!” Lone Scherfig’s new film An Education (this week’s selection in the AEC’s Independent Film Series) isn’t as bleedingly obvious as Mr. T, but both films are PSAs for the same message: Stay in school and life will be better! Jenny Miller (Carey Mulligan) is a bright 16-year-old girl with high hopes of going to Oxford to read English after graduation. It’s the ’60s, and she lives

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in a suburb of London with her stodgy father and complacent mother (Alfred Molina and Rosamund Pike) who dream of her Oxford future in even more vivid terms than she. While waiting in the rain for a bus one afternoon after orchestra rehearsal, Jenny is greeted by David (the perpetually dull Peter Saarsgaard), a man twice her age who idles his maroon Bristol in front of the stop. Soft-spoken and witty, he rolls down the window and says, “If you had any sense, you wouldn’t take a lift from a strange man, but I’m a music lover and I’m worried about your cello.” He proposes that she put the instrument in his car and walk alongside, but Jenny eventually hops in the vehicle for a ride home. As luck would have it, she sees David again while walking home with friends the next day and he invites her to an evening classical music concert with two of his friends. “I won’t allow it!” her father bellows from the dinner table later on, but David works his considerable charm on the old codger and is given permission to whisk Jenny away for the evening. This is Jenny’s first experience of David’s world of high culture, rich food, beautiful clothes, and classy friends; she is immediately taken in. Her flights of fancy with David continue and the inevitable romance between the two of them takes wing even as she notices that he is involved in a handful of illegal activities. The evening adventures and weekend getaways continue and Jenny is soon faced with the inescapable choice that Nick Hornby’s screenplay has been building toward since the first line of dialogue: Will Jenny continue her education and go to Oxford or flee to a world of freedom with David and his posse?

An Education is an odd choice for director Lone Scherfig, who previously worked with the Dogma 95 movement, an avant-garde filmmaking cabal that seeks to strip away artifice and show life as it is. Her film Italian for Beginners is a quiet, witty romantic comedy that employs a hand-held camera quite deliberately, but Scherfig’s direction in An Education is nowhere near as fluid, relying on predictable two-shot editing and elementary compositions in which characters rarely leave the center of the frame. Her direction is the very definition of boring and would threaten to make An Education a jumbled mess if it weren’t for Carey Mulligan’s performance as Jenny, which binds the film’s disparate threads loosely together. As Jenny’s exploits with David move toward her seventeenth birthday—the day for which she is saving her virginity—Mulligan shows Jenny becoming worlds more selfaware. The brainy child from the film’s beginning emerges from her cocoon of innocence as a worldly young woman greeted with choices that will shape her future. And there’s the rub: An Education implores its audience to believe that education is more valuable for a young person’s life than endless frivolity, but Jenny’s adventures with David—even after we learn that he’s a selfish cad—always seem more fun. Her wellintentioned advisors at school effuse wisdom from behind their horn-rimmed glasses, but clearly lead prosaic lives with no hint of adventure. It might be enough to cajole Jenny into doing the right thing, but she’ll be the only one. We can look forward to Carey Mulligan’s future in better films with hope that she’ll be a true star, but when it comes to steering young people off the street and into the classroom, Mr. T will always do it better.

New in Theaters From Paris With Love The career of John Travolta has been one of singular contrasts. From the dimwitted Sweathog of the classic Welcome Back, Kotter, to the dangerous strutting dance machine of Saturday Night Fever, through the family-friendly days of the “Look Who’s Talking” movies, to the career resurgence at the hands of Quentin Tarantino, on through a series of films where he chewed scenery as one of Hollywood’s favorite go-to bad guys, he’s truly run the gamut of film roles. There are times when one wonders, though, if Travolta misses his goodguy roles, which is likely why he signed on to star in writer Luc Besson’s latest action-thriller From Paris With Love. He gets to vamp on-screen with the bad-guy bald head and goatee look while playing a trigger-happy, wisecracking, loose-cannon federal agent intent on stopping a terrorist attack. What’s nice about both Besson’s script and Travolta’s acting is that audiences are never quite sure whether Travolta is on the side of angels or demons. And that is the true strength of Travolta’s current career. The fact that he can keep audiences guessing has become catnip to screenwriters. And while "Paris" has all the requisite elements of a big-budget action flick— huge set pieces, comedic interplay, formulaic storylines—there are enough

twists and turns to keep audiences intrigued through the third act. Will it be popular enough to dethrone James Cameron’s seemingly unstoppable Avatar? That remains to be seen, but if anyone could tear audiences aware from Pandora, at least for a weekend, it would likely be the most popular is-heor-isn’t-he bad-guy actor in Hollywood. Starring: John Travolta, Jonathan Rhys Meyers Director: Pierre Morel Rating: R

Also in Theaters Dear John (New) A soldier home on leave falls for a conservative college girl, but when he re-enlists, time and distance take a toll on the young lovers. Edge of Darkness Mel Gibson is a veteran homicide detective who embarks on a dangerous mission to get the truth about his daughter’s murder. When in Rome While traveling in Rome, Kristen Bell plucks some magic coins from a special fountain, attracting an assortment of odd suitors. The Book of Eli Denzel Washington fights his way across a postapocalyptic wasteland to protect a book that holds the key to humanity’s future. Extraordinary Measures Harrison Ford stars in the true story of a scientist who partners with a couple to develop a cure for a rare disease killing their

children. Legion A group of strangers in a desert diner must defend themselves against a legion of angels sent by God to bring on the Apocalypse. The Tooth Fairy Dwayne Johnson is a pro hockey player nicknamed the Tooth Fairy, who is ordered to one week’s hard labor as the real Tooth Fairy. The Lovely Bones Peter Jackson directs the tale of Susie Salmon, a murdered girl who watches over her family—and her killer—from heaven. The Spy Next Door Jackie Chan is an undercover superspy who must protect the family next door when one of the kids downloads a topsecret code. Youth in Revolt Michael Cera stars as Nick Twisp, a high school student who reinvents himself to win the heart of his dream girl.

Leap Year Amy Adams travels to Dublin to propose to her boyfriend, following a tradition requiring a man to say yes if proposed to on a leap day. Daybreakers In the near future, humanity nears extinction when an unknown plague transforms the world’s population into vampires. Wonderful World A failed folk singer’s life begins to turn around with the arrival of his ailing roommate’s beautiful sister from Senegal. Crazy on the Outside Tim Allen stars as an exconvict fresh out of prison and ready for a second chance in life...but life has other ideas. Avatar In director James Cameron’s latest sci-fi epic, and box-office juddernaut, a reluctant human hero fights to save the alien world he has learned to call home.

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Shades Of Green

By Victoria Hurst

CARTA: Bringing Exact Change A

lthough many Chattanoogans are perfectly content to ride their bikes around town, even in the chilliest of weather, there are some warmer options that will hopefully serve to keep the planet cool. We are lucky in Chattanooga to have an amazing public transportation system. Dating back to the first horse-drawn trolley cars in 1875, public transport evolved from horses to electric streetcars in 1889 and eventually motorbuses. In 1941, Southern Coach Lines took over, and the last streetcar line was shut down in 1946. Today we are served by the Chattanooga Area Regional Transportation Authority or CARTA, made up of a Board of Directors that represents local communities. CARTA has 16 routes, and for $50—the cost it takes some of us to fill a tank of gas—you can purchase a 31-Day Unlimited Ride Pass. For six dollars. you can get unlimited rides for 24 hours (a pass that can be recharged for four dollars). For a one-way trip, it’s only $1.50. And with 7 Park & Ride lots, you can leave your car and hop on the bus to take you to work, play, and everything in between. Getting a little cold on that bike? All buses have bike racks, so you can stow your wheels securely on the front of the bus and have a warm ride. More importantly, buses are wheelchair accessible to accommodate even more residents. It is the variety

among the ridership that makes for such a unique experience while riding the bus. If you aren’t too shy, riding the bus can be a great way to make new acquaintances, or at the very least do some great people watching. I am not suggesting you make it your job to stalk or harass people on the bus, but it is a proven venue for intrigue. Take a ride and see for yourself. Another service offered by CARTA is the Electric Shuttle. These shuttles have been running from the Chattanooga Choo Choo through downtown to the Aquarium since 1992. With stops every block in between these two points, the shuttle is bound to be going somewhere you want to be. These shuttles, it should be noted, are also wheelchair accessible. These stealthy little buses have prevented an estimated 65 tons of pollutants. I’m not sure which is better about this system: having zero emissions or costing zero dollars. There may be certain stigmas attached to using public transportation, but it is really an act of community to enjoy transport among

your fellow Chattanoogans. Think of how many more people you will interact with each day. Instead of traveling in your own personal globalwarming machine, you will have numerous opportunities to observe, converse with, help, and learn from the people you live with. All the while, you will be making a decision that makes sense not only for your needs but also for the needs of the environment. We are fortunate, for a Southern city, to have such a fine transportation system. As I have noticed while growing up in the South, we tend to depend on our personal vehicles for getting around sprawling towns and also as a means of independence. However, driving is truly a luxury, considering its cost and also the price we pay for the way we use driving in our country. By substituting a couple of bus rides a week for the general puttering around town, you can contribute to a community asset that has an impressive list of benefits. So next time you are driving around, find a lot where you can leave the car and take a whirl on the bus. If you get cold on your bike or lose your dignity to a patch of black ice, put your bike on the rack and take a warm seat. There are few simpler pleasures than sitting among your fellow citizens and watching together as the blocks go by. Buy a pass or find some bills for the fare box. Just make sure to always have exact change. For more info about CARTA, go to www.carta-bus.org on the web.

“I am not suggesting you make it your job to stalk or harass people on the bus, but it is a proven venue for intrigue.”

Victoria Hurst is a proud resident of the Appalachian Mountains. She has recently graduated from Warren Wilson College with a B.A. in Creative Writing.

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The Pulse • Dining Out Spotlight

The Melting Pot: Time to Fond-DO! by Colleen Wade

A number of incredible things come from Switzerland. For example: Heidi, the Red Cross, and FONDUE! That’s right… fondue. Lucky for Chattanoogans, too, since we just got our very own fondue restaurant—The Melting Pot! Now, surely you know what fondue is. But here’s a quick lesson just in case. Fondue is a communal dish shared from an earthenware dish heated by a small burner. Small forks are used to dip bits of food into a semi-liquid sauce (or oil depending on what you’re fondue-ing). Since fondue is a communal dish, there is a specific etiquette. A person who allows their tongue or lips to touch the fondue fork is considered rude. A dinner fork should be used to remove a piece of meat from the fondue fork once it has been cooked, and most importantly—no double dipping! The Swiss have a tradition involving fondue. If a man loses a bit in the fondue pot, he is responsible for buying the next bottle of wine. If a woman loses a bit, she should kiss the man to her left. The first Melting Pot restaurant opened just outside Orlando in April of 1975 with just three items on the menu: Swiss cheese fondue, beef fondue, and chocolate fondue. As the restaurant’s popularity grew, so did its menu. You can now order anything from a vegetarian entrée which includes artichoke hearts, asparagus, and Thai marinated tofu to “The French Quarter” and entrées comprised of filet mignon, chicken breast and shrimp, seasoned with Cajun spices and served with andouille sausage. There are now more than 140 Melting Pot restaurants in more than 35 states and a location opening soon in Canada. What brings The Melting Pot to Chattanooga? Owners Thane and Michelle Rice discovered the Chattanooga market was available for franchise expansion, and felt the community was ripe for this type of

dining experience. “[We] wanted to share the Melting Pot in a vibrant community,” says Michelle. It was May of 2007 when the Rices began The Melting Pot’s extensive franchising process. Says Michelle, “The Melting Pot requires one of the most extensive hospitality training experiences today. The franchising center requires a minimum of 60-120 days of onsite training that includes all areas of hospitality, and the typical franchising process takes a minimum of one year.“ Late in 2009, Chattanoogans began swarming into The Melting Pot to discover fondue dining at its finest. “It is our privilege to ensure that every guest has the opportunity to dip into something different every time they visit a Melting Pot,” enthuses Michelle. “We have an extensive four-course menu, including cheese fondue, gourmet salads, entrée fondue, and our famous chocolate fondue. Our menu offers a wide variety of main course options, including a choice of four flavorful cooking styles. We strive to always have the best premium cuts of beef, chicken, lobster and shrimp. The Melting Pot experience is unlike any other available

in Chattanooga, from our hospitality specialists to our servers and bartenders, we produce the perfect night out time and time again.” Michelle tells us that the most popular item right now is “The Big Night Out.” She explains, “‘The Big Night Out’ begins with cheese fondue. then transitions to a gourmet salad while we prepare the selected cooking style and main-course selections, and finishes with one of our famous chocolate fondues.” The Melting Pot has exciting events happening year-round. “‘Ladies Night Out’ occurs periodically during the year. Ladies can join us for cheese fondue, salad, and chocolate fondue for $29 per person, including a glass of wine or select specialty cocktails. There’s a petite entree available for an additional $7,” Michelle tells us. Two Ladies Night Out events are scheduled this month on February 8 and 22.. Between those two events, The Melting Pot serves up a romantic way to celebrate Valentine’s Day—a five-course meal beginning with shrimp cocktail ceviche, moving to cheese fondue (your choice of Apple Cider Swiss or Loaded Baked Potato Cheddar), salad (choose either Mandarin and Almond Salad or Pop Rocking California Salad), your entrée, which includes Filet Mignon Florentine, Honey Dijon Chicken, Limoncello Balsamic New York Strip, Orange Fennel Pork, Tenderloin and Peppered Shrimp, and then a delicious dessert choice of Caramel Nut chocolate Fondue or Mint Chocolate Chip Fondue. No matter what you choose, The Melting Pot is sure to charm you. But you’d better be sure to call ahead…you’re going to need reservations! The Melting Pot, 2553 Lifestyle Way, near H.H. Gregg. Hours of operation are Mon-Wed 4 p.m.-10 p.m., Thu-Sat 4 p.m.– 11 p.m., and Sun Noon-10 p.m. (423) 893-5237.

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Free Will Astrology AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): I got an e-mail from an Aquarian reader complaining that the astrologers she consulted in early 2009, including me, were wrong about the year ahead. All of us said it would be a time of expansion and opening for your tribe, a phase of rapid growth and fresh energy. But according to this reader, 2009 turned out to be very different. Every Aquarius she knew had a tough ride. Here’s my response: Expansion and opening did indeed occur, but their initial effects weren’t what you expected. They shattered the old containers of your life in order to make it possible for you to create new, bigger containers that would be more suitable for the person you’re becoming. And this year, 2010, is when you will work in earnest to create those new containers. Now’s a good time to dig in. PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): I wish you could aim tachyon particles through an inverted positronic array while simultaneously modulating synaptical relays through an anti-matter torque-buffer. This would bend the space-time continuum back to a point before your recent detour began. Then, armed with knowledge of the future, you’d be able to navigate your way more elegantly through the crazy mash of illusions and misunderstandings. But since the high-tech solution I described may not be possible, I suggest that instead you clear your head of theories about why people are doing what they’re doing. Slow yourself down so completely that you can see the majestic flicker of eternity hidden in every moment. Be a flame of love, not a swamp of self-justification. And send humble notes and witty gifts to anyone whose links with you got tweaked. ARIES (March 21-April 19): “Those who know how to win are much more numerous than those who know how to make proper use of their victories.” So said the ancient Greek historian Polybius, and now I’m conveying the message to you. I hope it will serve as a spur in the wake of your recent triumph. Will you be content with merely basking in the glow, frittering away the provocative potentials? Or will you get down to business and use your new advantages to upgrade your destiny to what we might refer to as Aries 2.0? TAURUS (April 20-May 20): “Whatever shines should be observed,” said 19th-century astronomer William Herschel, discoverer of the planet Uranus. He was referring to his specialty, heavenly bodies, but I’d like to expand the meaning for your use. According to my analysis, it has become very important for you to notice, observe, and think about anything that shines. Doing so will tune you in to exactly what you need to know in order to make the best decisions in the coming weeks. GEMINI (May 21-June 20): “One doesn’t discover new lands without consenting to lose sight of the shore for a very long time,” wrote French author Andre Gide. I’m guessing that 2009 was a time when you embarked on such a search, Gemini—a half-blind, groping exploration that asked you to leave the past behind without knowing where the future lay. By now, though, I suspect you have sighted the shore of your new frontier. If you haven’t yet, it’ll happen soon. CANCER (June 21-July 22): I wonder if you can you handle this much healing intensity, Cancerian. The possibilities for transforming difficult parts of your life are substantial. I’ll name a few ways this could play out: 1. A confusing riddle may be partially solved through a semidivine intervention. 2. A sore spot could be soothed thanks to the power of your curiosity. 3. An ignorance that has caused you pain may be illuminated, allowing you to suffer less. 4. If you can summon the capacity to generously tolerate uncertainty, you may find and rehabilitate an orphaned part of your life. I’m not saying for sure that any of this stuff will happen, but the odds are favorable that at least one will. LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): What will it be, Leo? A time of rampaging ids and slamming doors and

By Rob Brezsny

JONESIN’

By Matt Jones

“Burns, Baby, Burns” –it's a growth industry.

lost opportunities? Of strange smells and sweeping views of other people’s hells? Or will this be the week you finally slip into the magic sanctuary and track down the secret formula? Will this be the breakthrough moment when you outmaneuver the “dragon” with that non-violent “weapon” you’ve been saving for when it was absolutely necessary? It really is up to you. Either scenario could unfold. You have to decide which one you prefer, and then set your intention. VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): I don’t mean to alarm you, but I think you may be in a light hypnotic trance right now. It’s possible that the thrumming hum of your routine has shut down some of your normal alertness, lowering your awareness of certain situations that you really need to tune in to. Let’s do something about this! When I count to three, you will hereby snap out of your daze and become fully awake. 1 . . . 2 . . . 3. Now look around you and get yourself more closely in touch with your immediate environment. Make an effort to vividly see and hear and smell everything that’s going on. This will have the effect of mobilizing your subconscious mind. Then, for a period of at least five days, you’ll have a kind of X-ray vision. LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): You would stir up some good fortune for yourself if you brought meals to shut-ins or gave a little presentation at an old folks’ home or donated your old laptop to a low-income family. Oddly enough, it’s also an excellent time for you to scratch and claw for a bigger market share, or to get the upper hand on a competitor, or to bring your creative ideas to people in a position to help you. That’s the odd thing about this week. Capitalist-style self-promotion and actualized compassion will not only coexist—they’ll have a symbiotic relationship. SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Last week was the anniversary of my very first weekly horoscope column, which appeared years ago in the Good Times, a newspaper in Santa Cruz, California. My initial effort was crude and a bit reckless compared to what I eventually learned to create. And yet it was imbued with a primal fervor and heartfelt adventurousness that had a certain charm, and many people seemed to find it useful. Today I bow down to that early effort, honoring it for the seed it sprouted and thanking it for the blessings it led to. I encourage you to do something similar to what I just described, Scorpio: Pay homage to the origins that made it possible for you to be who you have become. SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): In the Choctaw language, there are two kinds of past tenses. In one, you speak about an event or experience that you personally know to be a fact. In the other, you deliver information that you have acquired second-hand and therefore can’t definitely vouch for. In my perfect world, you Sagittarians would find a way to incorporate this perspective into all your communications during the coming week. In other words, you would consistently distinguish between the unimpeachable truth and the alleged truth. According to my analysis of the astrological omens, this would give you great power to influence the rhythms of life to flow in your favor. CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): “The great composer does not set to work because he is inspired,” wrote music critic Ernest Newman, “but becomes inspired because he is working. Beethoven, Wagner, Bach, and Mozart settled down day after day to the job in hand. They didn’t waste time waiting for inspiration.” I think what Newman said applies to those working in any field where creativity is needed—which is really just about every field. Given your current astrological omens, Capricorn, it’s especially apropos for you now. This is an excellent time to increase your mastery of the kind of discipline that spurs inventive thought and surprising breakthroughs. Homework: All of us are born geniuses, but most of us have been de-geniused by the grind. Want to re-genius yourself? Go here: http://bit.ly/ ReGeniusSpell

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Across 1 Pal until the end, for short 4 Lesser-known part of a record 9 Attack your peas with a fork, say 13 Longtime Notre Dame coach Parseghian 14 *Author Isaac who sported enormous white mutton chops 16 Low-impact sound 17 Person from Dakar 19 Actress Moreno 20 Number-picking game 21 *He sported closecropped sideburns playing Dylan McKay on TV 23 Rope device that can tow a car 26 “The ___ Not for Burning” (1948 comedic play set in the Middle Ages) 27 It’s a genuine article 28 “___ they do that?” 31 That’s a laugh 32 *Flight of the Conchords member with big sideburns 37 Burn quickly 38 *Impersonators grow their sideburns to imitate him 39 Architect Ludwig Mies van der ___ 41 *Motorhead frontman famous for his mutton chops 44 Security measure built into some credit card

processors: abbr. 45 “Take ___ a compliment!” 46 Portland-to-Las Vegas dir. 47 It may float over a stadium 50 “___ of Mine” (1991 Genesis song) 52 *Short-lived screen icon who kept his sideburns short 57 Crafts questioned by skeptics 59 Country near the Strait of Hormuz 60 Camden Yards facility 63 “Five hundred twentyfive thousand six hundred minutes” musical 64 *Charles who had mutton chops before he got older and grew a long white beard 65 Vancouver runner, in 2010 66 Actor Kristofferson 67 Diagnostics 68 Recipe amt. Down 1 Soak in the glory 2 Roll along independently 3 Corporation in 2008 news alongside Freddie Mac 4 Go droopy 5 “This ___ stickup!” 6 It may be in a pickle 7 Australia’s national bird: var. 8 Small grove of trees 9 Some campus figures in

the ‘70s 10 Like gamma, in the Greek alphabet 11 Singing cowboy Gene 12 Times to give gifts, briefly 15 Geese formation 18 Mind-boggling time 22 Professor of board games? 24 Actor McBride 25 Apiary offerings 27 Hooker and Maxx 29 Lawrence with a bubble machine 30 607, in Rome 31 He’ll agree to anything 33 Military strength 34 Cheery tune 35 “Hold up just a second!” 36 1980s Saturday morning cartoon characters who lived underwater 40 Before, to poets 42 Team leaders, initially 43 Metric opener 47 Singer with the 2001 album “Vespertine” 48 Worse, like some excuses 49 Singer Coppola 51 Have dinner 53 It coordinates the USAF and USN 54 Part of QED 55 Suffix with million 56 “___ the perfect time!” 58 Pass over 61 Wasted 62 Nav. rank

©2010 Jonesin’ Crosswords (editor@jonesincrosswords.com) For answers to this puzzle, call: 1-900-226-2800, 99 cents per minute. Must be 18+. Or to bill to your credit card, call: 1-800-655-6548. Reference puzzle #0453.

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Ask A Mexican

By Gustavo Arellano

Special Narco Edition Dear Mexican, How can a formerly proud Latina like myself feel proud to be Mexican again after my beloved relative was murdered in Mexico by narcos while visiting? I still have love for my heritage, and I understand that many Mexican people live in desperate situations because they have no opportunity. But on that day, I was not proud to be a Mexican. And I wonder if I will ever be again. — Heartbroken Dear Reader, Primeramente and foremost, my pensamientos and prayers to your family. I can’t imagine the pain ustedes are suffering, and the righteous anger you feel toward the monsters that inflicted such horror. But murders, no matter how terrible, are no more representative of Mexico or its people than it is of the United States and its gente. Feel ashamed of the drug cartels, of the corrupt government officials that let them roam, of the insane policies on both sides of the border that make the trade so lucrative and deadly, but don’t apply those stains to the pride you feel for your heritage. Take yourself as an example— you’re obviously a smart, caring, wonderful soul who is mexicana. You, your family, your dearly departed, and the mucho millions of Mexicans like ustedes—the non-criminal, hard-working, and successful masses—exhibit the true Mexican character and more than worthy of adulation; don’t let narcos and their actions ever make you think otherwise. Ever.

Dear Mexican, At what point does Mexico transition from being a failing state with a crushing humanitarian crisis to a failed state with no semblance of the rule of law? Don’t get me wrong. I loved (that’s loved in the past tense) Mexico, even lived as a mojado in Ciudad Juarez for three years back in the mid-1990s, back in the day when you could take a lady out for the evening and not worry that the narcos were going to grab her off your arm and rape and torture her to death before dumping her in a shallow hole out by the airport. And it’s that love of the country and la raza that compels me to watch with horror as the whole thing slides from simple mordida and go-alongto-get-along to so many dead each day they don’t even bother to dig the shallow holes any more. — Concerned Gabacho Dear Gabacho, Either your chronology is wrong, or you’re a liar. The serial murders of the women in Juarez (which now number into the hundreds) have been going on since at least the mid1990s, that same bucolic decade you describe, and authorities on both sides of la frontera have blamed those deaths on many other individuals and groups besides the narcos. That clarification out of the way, Mexico is nowhere near a failed state or even a failing state. You want a failed state? Somalia. Failing state? California. Sí hay un chingo de problems with Mexico right now, and I honestly don’t think the narco-wars will stop until—take your pick—the United

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States legalizes drugs or we occupy the country anew, but that’s just the American in me. The Mexican in me knows this mess will disappear, la raza will survive, and we'll continue the colonization of Aztlán anew with mere illegal immigrants instead of actual criminals. Dear Mexican, I still like bullfights, but I don’t go to Mexico, so I don’t get to see them any more. Is bull fighting still popular in Mexico, or has Mexico, in addition to becoming a narco-state, become a land of PC pussies? — Pasty in the Afternoon Dear Gabacho, Mexico, a land of PC pussies? The nation that still uses outrageous caricatures of negritos, chinitos, mariposas y indios in mainstream television? That carried its cockfighting tradition to the United States, much to the consternation of municipal codes? That had its president as recently as 2007 describe an accusation against him as a cuento chino (“Chinese tale,” which is to say, a lie)? That Mexico? Yeah, bullfighting still exists, although its popularity has declined over the years just like everywhere else. But if you want barnyard wrangling without the unnecessary death, try the charreada, the original rodeo. Prettier girls, better action, and none of those pussy helmets. Ask the Mexican at themexican@ askamexican.net, myspace.com/ocwab, facebook.com/garellano, youtube.com/ askamexicano, find him on, Twitter, or write via snail mail at: Gustavo Arellano, P.O. Box 1433, Anaheim, CA 92815.

“Sí hay un chingo de problems with Mexico right now, and I honestly don’t think the narcowars will stop until—take your pick—the United States legalizes drugs or we occupy the country anew, but that’s just the American in me.”