The Pulse - Vol. 6, Issue 51

“The housing authority continues to run full tilt in the direction that might be headed toward the end of a cliff.”

— Mayor Littlefield

FREE • News, Views, Arts & Entertainment • December 17, 2009 • Vol. 6 - Issue 51 • www.chattanoogapulse.com • pulse news 95.3 WPLZ

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President Jim Brewer, II

2009

Publisher Zachary Cooper Contributing Editor Janis Hashe News Editor Gary Poole Calendar Editor Kathryn Dunn Advertising Manager Rhonda Rollins Advertising Sales Leslie Dotson, Rick Leavell Leif Sawyer, Townes Webb Art Director Kelly Lockhart Graphic Design Jennifer Grelier Staff Photographer Louis Lee Contributing Writers Gustavo Arellano, Rob Brezsny Alison Burke, Chuck Crowder Michael Crumb, Hellcat Joshua Hurley, Victoria Hurst Matt Jones, Ernie Paik Rick Pimental-Habib, Ph.D. Stephanie Smith, Alex Teach Colleen Wade, Robert Yates Editorial Cartoonist Rick Baldwin Editorial Intern Tara Morris Copy Assistant Bryanna Burns Online Services Sharon Chambers Contact Info: Phone (423) 648-7857 Fax (423) 648-7860 info@chattanoogapulse.com Calendar Submissions calendar@chattanoogapulse.com Advertising advertising@chattanoogapulse.com The Pulse is published weekly and is distributed throughout the city of Chattanooga and surrounding communities. The Pulse is available free of charge, limited to one copy per reader. No person without written permission from the publishers may take more than one copy per weekly issue. The Pulse may be distributed only by authorized distributors.

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cover story

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ontents

11 THE FIGHT OVER FAIRMOUNT AVENUE

By Beverly A. Carroll The housing authority plans to demolish an existing apartment building and spend $4.2 million of federal grant funds to build a modern unit. The agency was one of 15 out of 5,000 agencies nationwide to win a competitive grant to fund the project, according to Naveed A. Minchas.

feature stories 18 NOT SO TRAGIC

By Hellcat A new band just came to fruition in this little town of ours, so I found it to be my duty to inform you about this new project to see if it tickles your fancy.

21 ADVANCE WORD ON AVATAR

By Phillip Johnston “Not only did we want absolute reality in terms of human performance by our actors,” Cameron says in Avatar’s press kit, “but we had to do it for a large number of characters where previously it had been done only for one character.”

24 SCORE TWO FOR “SANTALAND” Chattanooga, Tennessee 37402 Letters to the editor must include name, address and daytime phone number for verification. The Pulse reserves the right to edit letters for space and clarity. Please keep letters within 500 words in length.

The Pulse covers a broad range of topics concentrating on culture, the arts, entertainment and local news.

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AL H’S OL se NU AC AR Pul C AN X TE AS he T E M AL IST k in R ee CH t w x ne

DECEMBER

By Robert Yates When Frosty the Snowman, It’s a Wonderful Life, or White Christmas no longer evoke those holiday feelings, David Sedaris’s The Santaland Diaries, now playing at the Theatre Centre may be a prime alternative.

27 DIVINE AND GREEN CUISINE

By Colleen Wade “At first, we thought of a funky bakery with eat in and take outs located in the downtown area.,” says Sally Moses. “It morphed into a larger lunch dinner and catering spot.”

news & views 5 6 8 14 20 22 30

PULSE BEATS BEYOND THE HEADLINES SHRINK RAP LIFE IN THE NOOG ON THE BEAT SHADES OF GREEN ASK A MEXICAN

everything else 4 6 6 16 19 25 26 28 29

EDITOON THE LIST POLICE BLOTTER MUSIC CALENDAR NEW MUSIC REVIEWS A&E CALENDAR SPIRITS WITHIIN FREE WILL ASTROLOGY JONESIN’ CROSSWORD

Cover layout by Kelly Lockhart.

Editoon

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by Rick Baldwin

Pulse Beats

Quote Of The Week: A rundown of the newsy, the notable, and the notorious...

“Don’t take a chance with a potentially deadly disease when there is a safe, effective, and readily available vaccine offered at multiple locations and times that is also free of charge.”

—Chattanooga-Hamilton County Health Department Administrator Becky Barnes, after two more people died in Hamilton County from the H1N1 Swine Flu virus.

Beware Of Falling Rocks…And Roadways Over the past month, area motorists have had to be extra vigilant when driving along our many scenic highways and mountain roads. A rash of rock and mud slides and road collapses has plagued motorists, causing delays and altered commutes. Luckily, no one has been injured in any of the incidents.

The most recent incident just this past weekend involved a pair of very large boulders that came cascading down to the side of the 200 block of Scenic Highway. Examining officials said that even though the boulders did not land directly on the roadway, because of their large size, they anticipated that any further activity could take out the road.

During last week’s heavy rainfall, a nearly threecar-length section of Signal Mountain Road literally washed away, forcing a weekend-long closure of the entire roadway while public works crews began the repair process. Tennessee Department of Transportation officials estimate it will be at least another week before the road is repaired and safe for vehicles.

That same rainfall closed portions of Suck Creek Road due to mudslides on the Marion County side; Roberts Mill Road ended up nearly submerged; W Road motorists have had to deal with a variety of rock and mudslides over the past several weeks. The Dallas Bay Fire Department even had to evacuate a number of families living on Chen Road due to flooding.

So why are we dealing with such a rash of weather-related problems this year? The answer is simple: rain. After a number of years of drought conditions in the Tennessee Valley, 2009 has been a watershed year for precipitation. According to a TDOT spokeswoman, the Chattanooga metro area has received more than 18 inches of rain since the beginning of September. The ground has been saturated and hasn’t had time to dry out between stormfronts.

She also noted that a recent mild earthquake in Northern Alabama also has led to increased in-

stability. While few people think of this region as an earthquake area, the nearby fault line that runs through the northwest corner of Alabama is relatively active, even if the seismic events rarely register more than 3.0 on the Richter Scale. Yet even the very mild shakes miles below the surface have an effect on the already saturated surface.

TDOT officials say the problems are likely to continue through the winter, which has been predicted to be well above average for rainfall. They urge all motorists who travel on roadways susceptible to rockfalls and mudslides to be extremely aware, not only during storms, but in the days afterwards. Their simple rule of thumb is that when in doubt—find another route.

Signal Mountain Out-Greens NYC Signal Mountain “beat New York City to the punch” to become the nation’s first town to pass a groundbreaking Green Food Resolution, an ordinance designed to counteract the massive health and environmental damage created by large-scale factory farms and the meat industry by encouraging local farms, plant-based diets, ecological sustainability and nutritious eating habits.

New York currently has a Green Food Resolution pending.

Inspired by Farm Sanctuary’s Green Foods Resolution Campaign, David Cook, columnist for Signal Mountain’s Mountain Mirror, suggested in a column that the town should consider passing a Green Food Resolution of its own.

City Councilman Paul M. Hendricks took action and presented the groundbreaking resolution before the Signal Mountain Town Council, who made national history when they voted unanimously to adopt the Green Food Resolution ordinance.

“I was proud to introduce a resolution that is consistent with the values and principles I have long believed in,” said Councilman Hendricks. “As a physician, I know well the value of a good diet. As a long-time environmentalist, I understand the importance of decreas-

“This initiative is a winning combination at all levels— personal, local and global.” ing the amounts of chemicals and especially antibiotics and hormones put into our food sources. As a community leader, I understand the value of keeping our food production at the local level. This initiative is a winning combination at all levels—personal, local and global.”

Signal Mountain signed onto the Mayor’s Agreement on Climate Change two years ago while Hendricks was mayor. Many mountain residents already participate in plant-based Community Supported Agriculture (CSA) programs.

“We applaud Councilman Hendricks and the town of Signal Mountain for taking visionary action to protect the health of their citizens, the environment and the billions of animals raised for food in deplorable conditions on factory farms each year,” said Gene Baur, president and co-founder of Farm Sanctuary. “By promoting access to healthy, plant-based food, Signal Mountain will indeed send a signal to the rest of the nation about the critical importance of thoughtful eating.”

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A weekly roundup of the newsworthy, notable and often head-scratching stories gleaned from police reports from the Chattanooga Police Department, the Hamilton County Sheriff’s Office, the Bradley County Sheriff’s Department and the Dalton Police Department.

Christmas Quotes “Christmas waves a magic wand over this world, and behold, everything is softer and more beautiful.”

— Norman Vincent Peale “He who has not Christmas in his heart will never find it under a tree.” — Roy L. Smith “Never worry about the size of your Christmas tree. In the eyes of children, they are all 30 feet tall.” — Larry Wilde “Roses are reddish Violets are bluish If it weren’t for Christmas We’d all be Jewish.”

— Benny Hill “Santa is very jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live.” — Dennis Miller “Christmas begins about the first of December with an office party and ends when you finally realize what you spent, around April fifteenth of the next year.”

— P.J. O’Rourke

• If you’re mad about having your meth lab busted, there are better ways to deal with your anger. A man suspected of running a meth lab was arrested and charged with threatening the DEA agent who was conducting the investigation.

An informant told the officer that the illegal chemist was angry with him for busting his meth lab on December 3, and threatened to burn his house down and kill him. Last week, a truck registered to the man was spotted near the agent’s house, leading to his arrest on a variety of charges, including retaliating against a witness, victim or an informant and being a felon in possession of a firearm.

• Another example of police takehome cars keeping the city safer happened this past week. An officer working a second job at Hamilton Place Mall responded to a call of a group of teen suspects fleeing from the armed robbery of a smoothie shop. He spotted the car and followed it until backup arrived. However, instead of giving up, the teens attempted to flee and discov-

“Once again we find ourselves enmeshed in the Holiday Season, that very special time of year when we join with our loved ones in sharing centuries-old traditions such as trying to find a parking space at the mall.”

— Dave Barry “How touching to have the meaning of Christmas brought to us by cola, fast food, and beer...Who’d have ever guessed that product consumption, popular entertainment, and spirituality would mix so harmoniously?

— Calvin & Hobbes

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• A General Sessions Court judge is understandably a bit miffed after a mentally ill man was able to bring a homemade weapon into court last week. The man, who had earlier escaped from Moccasin Bend Mental Health Hospital, was in a hallway near the courtroom after having his case heard when a “shank” fell from his pocket. Court officers quickly confiscated the weapon, but the judge was rather upset with the lapse in security and has instituted much tighter search policies for all suspects and prisoners being brought to the courtroom.

• And as happens at this time every year, there has been an increase in “warm-up thefts” happening to people who leave their cars running while unattended. “To help protect automobiles

from theft, motorists are encouraged to follow some steps to make your car— and the valuables in it—less attractive to thieves,” said police spokeswoman Lt. Kim Noorbergen, who has seen the increase. “The common-sense approach to protection is the simplest and most cost effective way to avoid would-be thieves.

You should always secure your vehicle, even if you’re parking for ‘just a minute’.

Also, a visible or audible device will alert thieves that your vehicle is protected,” Lt. Noorbergen added. “Popular devices include audible alarms, steering wheel locks, steering column collars, theft deterrent decals, and tire locks.”

Beyond The Headlines

The Politics of Nepotism

By Stuart James

“There’s nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.”

— Erma Bombeck

ered to their dismay that trained police officers are much better drivers, as not only were they not able to get away, but ended up crashing into a pair of cars in a nearby parking lot. Once the teens were questioned, it turned out they had also robbed a Highway 58 fast-food restaurant earlier in the evening. All four are facing multiple charges, including armed robbery.

It is time for Democrats in the Senate to condemn Max Baucus for nominating his girlfriend for U.S. Attorney. Baucus’s nomination created a conflict of interest, it created an appearance of impropriety—and it is just plain wrong.

Most important, Baucus needs to admit he is wrong.

The Baucus story does not end with the nomination. It continues with his unapologetic attitude about his actions and his arrogant explanation about how his relationship with his girl friend developed.

The Los Angeles Times reported, “Baucus acknowledged that he has had a romantic relationship with Melodee Hanes since the summer of 2008. In a statement, the senator said that he and Hanes, who live together on Capitol Hill, were both separated from their spouses at the time.”

“It wasn’t an affair,” Baucus said.

It was an affair, and Baucus’s statement that his relationship with Hanes was not an affair is no better than Governor Mark Sanford’s comments after the nation discovered the story of his South American mistress. What is it with our political leaders? Are they all so egotis-

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tic as to think they can fool the public by mincing words and creating excuses?

Baucus is disappointing his constituents and undermining his credibility. Not only that, he is arrogant and showing he is out of touch with reality.

The Democrats know one of their own is wrong—and it is time for Democrats and Baucus to take action.

1. Baucus needs to apologize. In his apology, he needs to admit the affair, and he needs to tell the public that nominating his girlfriend for U.S. Attorney created an appearance of impropriety and was a conflict of interest. Baucus must come clean; giving us the honest answer—not the political answer.

2. Senate Democrats need to condemn Baucus for this nomination.

Democrats cannot afford to hide behind technicalities and the “we are friends” excuse. Harry Reid, the minority leader, must condemn Baucus for what he did; he must recommend quick action and a fair punishment.

Baucus’s continued relationship with Hanes is his business, but his conduct in nominating her for the U.S. Attorney’s office is the public’s business, and if the Democrats do not take decisive action against Baucus, Democrats lose and blow

a key chance of regaining the public trust at a time when Congress has little or no credibility.

The Examiner.com sums the situation up nicely by saying, “The politics of nepotism is always distasteful. The perception of using the power of the office to benefit those close to you is repugnant to most Americans.”

In this situation, both Baucus and the Democrats lose. Baucus is not apologizing for his “politics of nepotism” and the Democrats are turning their heads away from his repugnant actions.

Most important—we lose.

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Shrink Rap

Taking Your Holiday Temperature

By Rick Pimental-Habib, Ph.D

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“You can keep your own wellbeing in check by staying conscious, and taking a moment to ask yourself: Am I thinking and speaking with negativity, or feeling judgmental and harsh toward others?”

Dr. Rick Pimental-Habib, Ph.D., is a psychotherapist, minister, and educator, in private practice in Chattanooga, and is the author of “Empowering the Tribe” and “The Power of a Partner.”

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have a couple of stories to tell you. But before we get to those, let me ask you: How is this holiday season going for you? Let’s pause for a second, right now, to take a breath, take stock, and take your “holiday temperature.”

Last week we looked at ways to increase your happiness and enjoyment of the season, and decrease stress and burdens. I suggested simplifying gift-giving, maximizing enjoyable times with loved ones while minimizing unwanted obligations, learning to say “no” (especially when your tendency to say “yes” causes added stress), keeping your expectations realistic, and taking breaks for renewing, centering indulgences. If you missed last week’s Rap (“Holidazed and Confused”), I suggest you take a moment to check it out, especially if you’re feeling any holiday anxiety in this last week or so before Christmas.

Remember that prolonged stress leads us to negative thinking, unwanted behaviors, and a long list of potential health hazards, including blood pressure and heart issues, excess strain on our systems and organs, sleep and mood disorders, and addiction challenges. You can keep your own well-being in check by staying conscious, and taking a moment to ask yourself: Am I thinking and speaking with negativity, or feeling judgmental and harsh toward others? Are any of my behaviors feeling out of control? Am I suffering any physical symptoms that

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I’ve been ignoring? If you answer yes to any of these, it’s time to slow down and regain some perspective, not only about the holidays, but about how you handle the holidays and stress in general. This is a time for joy. If ya ain’t feeling any joy, what’s going on?

In the spirit of keeping a healthy perspective, I want to share with you a story sent to me by a friend called, “The Window Through Which We Look.”

A young couple moveed into a new neighborhood. One morning while eating breakfast, the young woman saw her neighbor hanging the wash outside.

“That laundry is not very clean,” she said. “She doesn’t know how to wash correctly. Perhaps she needs better laundry soap.”

Her husband looked on, but remained silent. Every time her neighbor would hang her wash to dry, the young woman would make the same comments.

About a month later, the woman was surprised to see a nice clean wash on the line and said to her husband: “Look, she has learned how to wash correctly. I wonder who taught her this.”

The husband said, “I got up early this morning and cleaned our windows.”

And another friend sent me this story (as you can tell, I receive a lot of stories!), which I’ll share with you simply to help you keep your sense of humor. After all, you know what they say is the best medicine. This is called “The Burglar and Jesus.”

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables, when a voice in the dark said, “Jesus knows you’re

here.”

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.

When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, “Jesus is watching you.”

Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.

Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. “Did you say that?” he hissed at the parrot.

“Yep,” the parrot confessed, then squawked, “I’m just trying to warn you that he is watching you.”

The burglar relaxed. “Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?”

“Moses,” replied the bird.

“Moses?” the burglar laughed.

“What kind of people would name a bird Moses?”

“The kind of people that would name their Rottweiler Jesus.”

Until next time: “Out of clutter, find simplicity. From discord, find harmony.” — Albert Einstein

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Cover Story

The Fight Over Fairmount Avenue

By Beverly A. Carroll

“This project is very important to us. It is going to be a model project.

It is going to be as different from what public housing is thought of as it can be.”

T

hough they fear the battle is all but lost, Fairmount Avenue residents in North Chattanooga are still fighting the Chattanooga Housing Authority’s plans to build a 36-unit apartment building on their street.

And though some housing authority officials believe race and income are the real issues, residents say their opposition is not a typical case of NIMBY (Not in My Backyard).

They aren’t against public housing or the low-income, often minority residents that normally fill government-funded housing.

“That’s a ridiculous statement. There is not one person I know of that is opposed to public housing,” said Charles F. Duncan, a 28-year resident of Fairmount Avenue. “It’s been [public housing] there before and I’ve never had a problem with it except for the trash they’ve thrown out. It’s the safety factors. It’s a very narrow, hilly road, then add an additional 50 people and cars.”

The housing authority plans to demolish an existing apartment building and spend $4.2 million of federal grant funds to build a modern unit. The agency was one of 15 out of 5,000 agencies nationwide to win a competitive grant to fund the project, according to Naveed A. Minhas, housing authority vice president of development.

“This project is very important to us,” Minhas said. “It is going to be a model project. It is going to be as different from what public housing is thought of as it can be.”

The new building will replace a 28-unit building that has been on the site for about 40 years, Minhas said. There are about four or five tenants living there now. An engineering study indicated that the cost of rehabbing the existing building would be more than building a new structure, he said. In deciding to build new, housing authority officials decided to make this a pilot project.

The building, which has already been reduced from 48 to 36 units in response to protests from residents and city officials, including Mayor Ron Littlefield, will be for working people. Applicants will go through a screening process, and they must agree to attend counseling on how to be a good tenant and prepare career and/or educational plans, according to Bryant Lowery, director of assets for CHA. “This might not be the right site for everyone,” he said.

“When people’s incomes go up, the authority will raise their rent. But it will also set aside a portion of that increase into an escrow account for the resident that may be used toward educational or career plans.”

The building will also meet as many of the LEED requirements as possible and will have a large array of solar panels, Minhas said.

“This is also part of the stimulus money provided by (President Barack) Obama,” Minhas said. “It will help create jobs.”

But all those positives still don’t add up for current Fairmount Avenue residents, according to Pete and Beth Lapina, co-founders and organizers of Friends of Fairmount, the group working against the project.

“That road is too narrow to add that much traffic,” 95.3 Pulse News www.chattanoogapulse.com 12.17.09 The Pulse

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Cover Story Lapina said. “How will children get to school? The road is already so narrow, and with the addition of all these new homes that have been built over the years, it has almost become a one-way street where people have to pull over to let an oncoming vehicle pass.”

The project calls for adding sidewalks, which the Lapinas, who own a home on either side of the street, said would be impossible on the north side of the road, where front yards are sheer drop offs from the edge of the road.

Mayor Littlefield has called the idea stupid and pledged to do all he can to stop it. He has reached out to HUD officials in Washington, D.C. but had heard nothing as of last week. At press time, HUD was scheduled to deliver an official response within days.

He said he believes the site conflicts with the authority’s mission of breaking away from isolating residents into pockets of poverty.

“The main issue is that the site is not a good site for public housing the way public housing is being developed today,” Littlefield said. “They are recreating a public housing project that was built 50 years ago. They had an old one up there and they couldn’t keep that one up.”

The site is difficult to access with services; it narrows to one lane as it dead ends, and half of the houses perch on the steep side of the street, Littlefield said. It is nearly a mile from a bus line,

transportation options for families. This is failing that.”

Minhas said an engineering study, prepared by City of Chattanooga engineers, shows that within a one-half-mile radius, there are 12 out of the 12 amentias required by HUD to be available for housing developments.

“There is a bus stop, medical offices, grocery stories, public schools, a day care, and the other items,” Minhas said. “We want to create upward mobility for our residents; we intend to have full support for them and access to the things they need.”

Potential residents will have to address the questions of how they will get children to school or to medical care, Lowery said.

“They will do what other families do,” he said. “They will drive their kids to the bus stop or they will walk them, if they don’t have a car.”

Douglas challenged the issuing of walking anywhere on Fairmount Avenue in bad weather.

“We haven’t had much snow but if there is snow or ice, we are isolated,” Douglas said.

Housing authority officials say they don’t understand the opposition. The building there now has created a presence for the authority and there have been few problems, housing authority officials

“The main issue is that the site is not a good site for public housing the way public housing is being developed today.” even though Normal Park Museum Magnet and Chattanooga Middle Museum Magnet schools are visible from the top of Fairmount Avenue with a huge gulch separating them.

“If the children are going to walk to school that way, they’d better have Alpine boots,” Littlefield said. “This site doesn’t meet any standards or guidelines that HUD normally looks for. The new thrust in public housing is to mix and mingle among market rate housing. It’s also important to provide

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say.

Lowery said he believes the real opposition is racial. Minhas suggests that the city prefers that a private developer lead the project so that it would be a revenue generator for the city.

Councilwoman Deborah Scott, who represents the district containing Fairmount Avenue, said those ideas couldn’t be farther from the truth.

“When we see other issues or proposals like this, it’s the same, it matters not who the sponsor is. The issue is, is this going to be good, is it going to be safe overall for the people who live there?”

Mrs. Scott said. “I don’t see it as a big controversy between the haves and the have nots.”

The residents want the same things all residents want, she said.

“They want to be able to drive down the street safely, people want to access areas without running over each other. The goal ought to be to help people have a safe place to raise a family. I don’t know that increasing density on a narrow, steep road is the best way to get there. I would encourage CHA to look at less dense housing. I think that’s what most people [want].”

The issue has brought to a head the bad blood between housing authority officials and city officials, both sides said. Recent stories in local media have pointed to the financial troubles the authority has faced in several years, including a

Cover Story $4.5 million budget shortfall in 2008, and the failure to follow up on a $3.2 million commitment to a downtown condominium project on Market Street. Nearly one-third of the staff was laid off and former executive director Bob Dull resigned last year.

“I’m very frustrated because other housing authorities in other cities are valuable,” Littlefield said. “Nashville and Knoxville authorities are very involved in downtown developments as our authority used to be. But our authority has failures no other [authority] has had.”

Littlefield said the authority’s staff is running over the board.

Minhas disputed the claim, and said housing authority officials don’t understand the opposition to this project, which he views as a potential winner for the authority. He wishes the residents would work with them, instead of against them.

“We wish they would work with us to improve the infrastructure for all residents,” he said.

But the bottom line is that CHA owns the property and the authority does not intend for the building to sit empty much longer.

“If we are thwarted in this project, we will slap up some repairs and fill it with tenants,” Minhas said. “We cannot afford to let it sit empty. We are here to stay.”

In one of his last shots at the project, Littlefield criticized the design of the new building.

“It’s just plain ugly,” the mayor said.

Mike Sabin, project director for CHA, disagreed.

“It’s modern architecture,” Sabin said. “It’s by H&K, a local, awardwinning architectural firm. Some people like modern and some people don’t. I like it fine.”

Fairmount Project Basics: • Site: 3.02 acres total • Units: 36, 15 one-bedroom units and 21 two-bedroom units • Description: Three, three-story walkup apartment buildings • Parking: 56 parking spaces • Green space: Site as developed would be approximately 68 percent green space.

• Budget: Total budget $4,677, 886. HUD grant $4,244170.

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Life In The Noog

Steppin’ Out

By Chuck Crowder

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“Why someone would stay home alone if they would rather go hang out with people based solely on principle to me sounds like self abuse. Life is for living.”

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s a single man, I’m by no means a homebody. I like to go out. I don’t care where or when, I am “out” more than I am “in.”

A lot of it has to do with the fact that staying in usually means alone. And I’d much rather go out and socialize with others than stay in and surf the Web or watch television or whatever.

One thing I’ve noticed however is that a lot of people have definite opinions about where, when, how and how often one should be “out” versus “in.” It seems that going out is a big to-do with some people. This is especially true with women, who find the perception of their whereabouts is just as critical as how they look when they get to wherever they’re going.

Women can’t be out more than they are in. To them, it’s just not right. If you are always out, then your intentions are no longer pure, and you might be subjected to unfavorable labeling by the opposite sex or, more importantly, your peers.

But if they do decide to venture out, women tend to run in packs of at least four and must be joined at the hip the entire night—whether it’s arriving at the exact same time, ordering as a group or going to the bathroom together. And rarely will they ever be seen in public past 9 p.m. on a weeknight.

Many women frown upon, but secretly admire, women with the balls to go places by themselves. Usually if a woman shows up somewhere alone it’s because they are meeting someone,

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but they will wait at least 15 minutes past the scheduled meeting time to ensure the other party has arrived.

Some “old school” ladies won’t ever, under any circumstances, enter a public place alone. “Wait and go with me so I don’t have to walk in alone” is a common female plea—especially when it’s a party that’s in question.

What’s more, women must have a purpose for going out. Whether it’s to console a friend, be set up with a guy, have dinner, celebrate some random event, try a new place, see a movie or performance or whatever, women, especially in groups, must have a purpose for their outing. Otherwise, they must stay in.

Guys, on the other hand, need no reason at all to go out. Birthdays, business meetings, networking, meeting chicks, drinking a few beers, watching a game, or seeing a band are all good reasons. But then again, anything can constitute a good reason.

Tuesday is a good reason. Because a buddy called me is a good reason.

Happy hour is a good reason. Or no reason at all is just as good a reason.

And guys can hop from place to place, event to event, drinks to dinner to dancing without any need of knowing what the night has in store. Our limited wardrobe options and women’s lack of caring what we look like means we are ready to go wherever, whenever. Women aren’t so lucky.

In fact, in order to properly prepare for any sort of outing, women have established labels for a meeting’s intent. There’s “dinner,” “out” and “out-out.” And each of these events has a definite timeframe and wardrobe. In fact, the amount of skin an outfit exposes directly correlates

with the list above, in descending order.

Once a plan has been developed, deviation from it might well be curbed just because of the lack of wardrobe planning. On more than a few occasions, I’ve actually overheard a girl within a group of her peers remark, “Oh, I thought we were just going to dinner and then out. I didn’t know you meant ‘out-out.’ I’m not dressed for that.”

You see the difference between “out” and “out-out” is very profound.

“Out” simply means meeting some folks at a bar for a few drinks before 11 p.m. “Out-out” means swinging from the rafters at Alan Gold’s in some slinky sequined dress drinking Blue Bazookas and shooting Jagerbombs until 3 a.m. In fact, “outout” can render a girl “in” for at least a month to hide and recover. ’Cause it seems that what you do when you go “out” can be just as important as how often you go “out” in the first place.

Personally, I just don’t get it. Why someone would stay home alone if they would rather go hang out with people based solely on principle to me sounds like self abuse. Life is for living. It’s not about what people are going to think if they see you doing what you want to do. So if you’d rather curl up with a good book than party on, so be it.

But if going out is your thing, then I’ll see you there.

Save me a seat.

Chuck Crowder is a local writer and general man about town. His opinions are just that. Everything expressed is loosely based on fact, and crap he hears people talking about. Take what you just read with a grain of salt, but pepper it in your thoughts. And be sure to check out his wildly popular website www.thenoog.com

95.3 Pulse News www.chattanoogapulse.com 12.17.09 The Pulse

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Music Calendar Thursday Spotlight

Charlie Louvin and The Smoking Guns This Grand Ol’ Opry legend inspired a new generation of musicians with his original alt-country style. $10 7:30 p.m.

Lindsay Street Hall, 901 Lindsay St. (423) 755-9111. www.lindsaystreethall.com

Thursday, Dec. 17 Mike McDade and Kevin Klein 7 p.m. Mudpie Restaurant, 12 Frazier Ave. (423) 267-9043. www.mudpierestuarant.com Charlie Louvin & The Smoking Guns and Gerle Haggard with Keith and Jack 7:30 p.m. Lindsay Street Hall, 901 Lindsay St. (423) 755-9111. www.lindsaystreethall.com Dead Levy 8 p.m. T-Roys Roadhouse, 724 Ashland Terrace.

Open Mic 8 p.m. The Riverhouse, 224 Frazier Ave. (423) 752-0066.

Open Mic Night 9 p.m. Market Street Tavern, 850 Market St. (423) 634-0260. www.marketstreettavern.com Channing Wilson 9 p.m. Bud’s Sports Bar, 5751 Brainerd Rd. (423) 499-9878. www.budssportsbar.com Georgia Scruff 9 p.m. Northshore Grille, 16 Frazier Ave. (423) 757-2000. www.northshoregrille.com Pink Cadillac 9 p.m. The Palms at Hamilton, 6925 Shallowford Rd., #202.

(423) 499-5055. www.thepalmsathamilton.com Soul Crush Unplugged 9 p.m. Rhythm & Brews, 221 Market St. (423) 267-4644. www.rhythm-brews.com Claudio 22 Electri Bugaloo, Atari Steed and Machines Are People Too

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Friday Spotlight

10 p.m. JJ’s Bohemia, 231 E. MLK Blvd. (423) 266-1400. www.myspace.com/jjsbohemia DJ ScubaSteve Fox and Hound Pub & Grille, 2040 Hamilton Place Blvd., #150. (423) 490-1200.

DJ Lucky Lucky’s, 2536 Cummings Highway, (423) 825-5145.

Friday, Dec. 18 Gabriel Newell 11:30 a.m. Mudpie Restaurant, 12 Frazier Ave. (423) 267-9043. www.mudpierestuarant.com Sent by Ravens, Life on Repeat, Hollywood Lies, Failing The Fairest and Axiom 7 p.m. The Warehouse, 5716 Ringgold Rd., East Ridge. myspace.com/warehousetn Priscilla and Lil’ Ricky 7:30 p.m. The Foundry, 1201 Broad St. (423) 424- 3775. www.chattanooganhotel.com Booker Scruggs Ensemble 7:30 p.m. The Original Blue Orleans Restaurant, 3208 Amnicola Hwy. (423) 629-6538.

Everybody Loves a Hero, Fallacy, Night After Dark and Beyond Bethel 7:30 p.m. Club Fathom, 412 Market St. www.clubfathom.com Dead Levy 8 p.m. T-Roys Roadhouse, 724 Ashland Terrace.

Tim Hughes Qaurtet 8 p.m. Coltrane’s on 9th, 2 Union Square. (423) 468-7100.

She’s On, Rabidears and Sturgeons Revelations 8 p.m. Ziggy’s Hideaway, 607 Cherokee Blvd.

(423) 634-1074. myspace.com/ziggyshideaway Truly Gimy with Colby Buckler of Two Fresh and more 9 p.m. Barking Legs Theater, 1307 Dodds Ave. (423) 624-5347. www.barkinglegs.org Tim Cofield and friends 9 p.m. Tremont Tavern, 1203 Hixson Pike. (423) 266-1966. www.tremonttavern.com

Rick Bowers 9:30 p.m. Riverhouse Pub, 224 Frazier Ave. (423) 752-0066.

Brown Bottle Fever 10 p.m. Market Street Tavern, 850 Market St. (423) 634-0260. www.marketstreettavern.com Uncle Lightnin, Mark Holder, with Blair Crimmons and the Hookers 10 p.m. JJ’s Bohemia, 231 E. MLK Blvd. (423) 266-1400. www.myspace.com/jjsbohemia Bounty Hunter 10 p.m. Bud’s Sports Bar, 5751 Brainerd Rd. (423) 499-9878. www.budssportsbar.com 80Z-ENUFF 10:15 p.m. Rhythm & Brews, 221 Market St. (423) 267-4644. www.rhythm-brews.com DJ Spicolli Raw Sushi Bar Restaurant & Nightclub, 409 Market Street, (423) 756-1919. www.myspace.com/jimstriker DJ GOP The Palms at Hamilton, 6925 Shallowford Rd., #202, (423) 499-5055. www.thepalmsathamilton.com

Saturday, Dec. 19 Jetison Never, Half Price Hero, Standing Small, Tyreez and Leah Marie 7:30 p.m. Club Fathom, 412 Market St. www.clubfathom.com Karaoke 8 p.m. Rhapsody Café, 1201 Hixson Pike. (423) 266-3093.

Priscilla and Lil’ Ricky 8 p.m. The Foundry, 1201 Broad St. (423) 424- 3775. www.chattanooganhotel.com DJ GOP 9 p.m. The Palms at Hamilton, 6925 Shallowford Rd., #202.

(423) 499-5055. www.thepalmsathamilton.com Wreck The Halls featuring Up With The Joneses 9 p.m. Market Street Tavern, 850 Market St. (423) 634-0260. www.marketstreettavern.com

Peer Pressure: Truly Grimy, Colby Buckler of Two Fresh, more Regional DJs come together to see what happens when more than 200 people show up to dance at Barking Legs Theater. $9 18-plus, $7 21-plus 9 p.m.

Barking Legs Theater, 1307 Dodds Ave. (423) 624-5347. www.barkinglegs.org Tommy Davis 9 p.m. Tremont Tavern, 1203 Hixson Pike. (423) 266-1966. www.tremonttavern.com Ghostfinger and Spaceship of the Imagination 9 p.m. JJ’s Bohemia, 231 E. MLK Blvd. (423) 266-1400. www.myspace.com/jjsbohemia Open Mic Night 9 p.m. Mudpie Restaurant, 12 Frazier Ave. (423) 267-9043. www.mudpierestuarant.com A.J. Valcarcel and the Bittersweet Lesson 9:30 p.m. Riverhouse Pub, 224 Frazier Ave. (423) 752-0066.

(The) Inanimate Tragedy, Eris 10 p.m. Rhythm & Brews, 221 Market St. (423) 267-4644. www.rhythm-brews.com Nathan Farrow 10 p.m. T-Bones Sports Café, 1419 Chestnut Ave. (423) 266-4240. www.tboneschattanooga.com DJ Spicolli Raw Sushi Bar Restaurant & Nightclub, 409 Market Street, (423) 756-1919.

DJ GOP The Palms at Hamilton, 6925 Shallowford Rd., #202, (423) 499-5055. www.thepalmsathamilton.com

Sunday, Dec. 20 Bluegrass Pharoahs and Bluetastic Fangrass Noon. Lindsay Street Hall, 901 Lindsay St. (423) 755-9111.

Music Calendar

Send your calendar events to us at calendar@chattanoogapulse.com

Saturday Spotlight

Wreck the Halls with Up With The Joneses Let out that holiday energy by jumping around with our local snowflakes UWTJ. $5 9 p.m.

Market Street Tavern, 850 Market St. (423) 634-0260. www.marketstreettavern.com Open Mic w/Jeff Daniels 4 p.m. Ms. Debbie’s Nightlife Lounge 4762 Highway 58, (423) 485-0966. myspace.com/debbieslounge Irish Music Sessions 6 p.m. Tremont Tavern, 1203 Hixson Pike. (423) 266-1996. www.tremonttavern.com Rick Rushing and Blue Strangers 6:30 p.m. Mudpie Restaurant, 12 Frazier Ave. (423) 267-9043. www.mudpierestuarant.com The Showdown, Becoming the Archetype, Settle the Sky, Heart Cake Party, more 7 p.m. The Warehouse, 5716 Ringgold Rd., East Ridge. myspace.com/warehousetn Open Mic 8 p.m. Gene’s Bar & Grill, 724 Ashland Terrace, (423) 870-0880. myspace.com/genem14 DJ GOP The Palms at Hamilton, 6925 Shallowford Rd., #202, (423) 499-5055. www.thepalmsathamilton.com

Sunday Spotlight

Dead, Hysteria, Faded, and In This Hour 7 p.m. Club Fathom, 412 Market St. www.clubfathom.com DJ at the Palms 8 p.m. The Palms at Hamilton, 6925 Shallowford Rd., #202.

(423) 499-5055. www.thepalmsathamilton.com

Tuesday, Dec. 22 Emily Hearn 6 p.m. Rock City Gardens, 1400 Patten Rd. (706) 820-2531. www.seerockcity.com Love Begotten, Sky Fell to Earth, and Cute as a Button 7 p.m. The Warehouse, 5716 Ringgold Rd., East Ridge. myspace.com/warehousetn The Ben Friberg Trio 7 p.m. Table 2, 232 E. 11th Street, (423) 756-8253. www.table2restaurant.com

Billy Hopkins & Friends 8 p.m. Market Street Tavern, 850 Market St. (423) 634-0260. www.marketstreettavern.com Spoken Word/Poetry Night 8 p.m. The Riverhouse, 224 Frazier Avenue, (423) 752-0066.

Open Mic 8 p.m. Tremont Tavern, 1203 Hixson Pike, (423) 266-1996. www.tremonttavern.com Open Mic with Hellcat 9 p.m. Raw, 409 Market St. (423) 756-1919.

Channing Wilson 9 p.m. Spectators, 7804 E. Brainerd Rd. (423) 648-6679.

Jonathan Wimpee 9 p.m. Northshore Grille, 16 Frazier Ave. (423) 757-2000. www.northshoregrille.com Open Mic with Mike McDade 9 p.m. Tremont Tavern, 1203 Hixson Pike. (423) 266-1996.

Editor’s Pick of the Week

Monday, Dec. 21 Old Tyme Players 6 p.m. Market Street Tavern, 850 Market St. (423) 634-0260. www.marketstreettavern.com Tina Jenkins 6 p.m. Rock City Gardens, 1400 Patten Rd. (706) 820-2531. www.seerockcity.com Monday Night Big Band 7 p.m. Lindsay Street Hall, 901 Lindsay St. (423) 755-9111. www.lindsaystreethall.com Thick as Blood, Knock Em

Fuzion: Mxer with DJ TALK Calling all musicians, artists, promoters, innovators, entrepreneurs, socialites and dreamers: Anyone and everyone who is making waves in Chattanooga should be at this social event. Fuzion:Mxer provides the opportunity to network, meet and greet with some of Chattanooga’s greatest minds. Check out Coltrane’s on 9th and have a cocktail while grooving to the sound of DJ TALK. Wednesday, December 23 9 p.m., Free Coltrane’s on 9th, 2 Union Square, (423) 468-7100. www.jmjproductions.com

Rick Rushing and the Blue Strangers Rick Rushing and the Blue Strangers provide live and local music at Mudpie.

Free 6 p.m.

Mudpie Restaurant, 12 Frazier Ave. (423) 267-9043. www.mudpierestuarant.com Karaoke 9:30 p.m. Bud’s, 5751 Brainerd Rd. (423) 499-9878.

DJ ScubaSteve Fox and Hound Pub & Grille, 2040 Hamilton Place Blvd., #150, (423) 490-1200.

DJ GOP The Palms at Hamilton, 6925 Shallowford Rd., #202, (423) 499-5055.

Wednesday, Dec. 23 Monday Night Big Band 6 p.m. Rock City Gardens, 1400 Patten Rd. (706) 820-2531. www.seerockcity.com Ben Friberg Jazz Trio 7 p.m. Market Street Tavern, 850 Market St. (423) 634-0260. www.marketstreettavern.com Bobby Cheatham 7 p.m. Red Rock Grille, 1743 Dayton Blvd. (423) 634-1999.

Johnston-Brown 8 p.m. The Palms at Hamilton, 6925 Shallowford Rd., #202.

(423) 499-5055. www.thepalmsathamilton.com Underhill 8 p.m. Rhythm & Brews, 221 Market St. (423) 267-4644. www.rhythm-brews.com Fuzion:Mxer with musical vibes provided by DJ Talk 9 p.m. Coltrane’s on 9th, 2 Union Square, (423) 468-7100.

Jeremy Leslie 9 p.m. Bud’s Sports Bar, 5751 Brainerd Rd. (423) 499-9878. www.budssportsbar.com Open Mic 10 p.m. JJ’s Bohemia, 231 E. MLK Blvd. (423) 266-1400. www.myspace.com/jjsbohemia

95.3 Pulse News www.chattanoogapulse.com 12.17.09 The Pulse

17

Music Feature

Not So Tragic

By Hellcat

A

new band just came to fruition in this little town of ours, so I found it to be my duty to inform you about this new project to see if it tickles your fancy.

The band, like most bands in this scene, is made up of pieces of old projects, reformed to make a new project. I like to compare it to the “Six Degrees to Kevin Bacon” game, or refer to it as local musician musical chairs.

Allow me to paint the picture for you. Chris Moree plays bass for this new band. He has played with Crank Sinatra and Milquelizard. Justin Lewis, who hates “hair metal”, sings for this band—he has been in Crank Sinatra, Milquelizard, and 40oz to Folklore and Illicit Rite. Charles Cofer plays guitar, and has played guitar for Crank Sinatra, Black Betty and Turncoat Conspiracy. Brandon Fitzsimmmons plays drums, as he did for Black Betty and Turncoat Conspiracy. So now you have a group of guys who have played with each other in another project, or at least known each other for a while, wiping the slate clean of their past projects, and beginning anew.

Conspiracy. Having never heard of it, I Googled it, to find that it was a band that used parentheses in their name as well, and apparently these guys found it to be funny and appealing.

Yeah, that’s right. Who is the detective now? I think it’s me.

Hellcat: How did you come up with the name?

Justin Lewis: Several things. It was an old Crank Sinatra song with the same title. My version of the song was about an aging gunslinger going to his last fight in a turn-of-the-century-type Western fantasy. I had been watching a Western.

HC: What about the sound? I am curious, as to what makes this band different from the others?

Can you describe your sound?

JL: It’s like Glassjaw, Helmet, Faith No More, Jawbreaker, a splash of Tad, and a little bit of Quicksand with some Jesus Lizard thrown into the mix.

HC: I love some Jawbreaker.

JL: Word. It’s very literally a little bit from each of us. What we are all into, kinda mashed together.

HC: Any other differences?

JL: Put it this way—this is the easiest time, I’ve ever had writing songs. They just kind of fall together. We’ve been practicing for about a month and our first show was a few nights ago in Greensborough, TN, at The Loudhouse. It is more of a straightforward radio rock.

It’s more accessible and it doesn’t alienate as many people, like Milquelizard did. We’re trying hard not to do that this time. When I talked to Chris, he and Charlie were on the same page, so we became (The) Inanimate Tragedy.

HC: How long have you guys known each other?

Do you hang out as friends and whatnot, or is it just a band thing?

JL: I’ve known everyone at least six years or longer. The same for all of them. Some of us went to high school together, and being in as many bands as we have been in, we’ve all filled in a time or two to help each other out.

HC: Do you think that helps?

JL: Yeah. To put it lightly, we’ve all been through

“It’s like Glassjaw, Helmet, Faith No More, Jawbreaker, a splash of Tad, and a little bit of Quicksand.”

Generally, I might be inclined to roll my eyes at this notion, considering it would appear to be a whole bunch of the same with a brand new name.

But, fear not—because I have investigated, and have found that they are going for an entirely different sound, so this truly is a new attempt and an original effort. I always liked Turncoat Conspiracy and Black Betty and Crank Sinatra, so I am more than anxious to see what this stuff is about.

The new band is called (The) Inanimate Tragedy. Why the parentheses? I asked, and all I got was something about (The) International Noise

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enough of the politics and the scene crap to know that it’s not what we want. We know what we want now, and I think that comes from maturity.

HC: Politics? What is all this about? I’ve heard it mentioned several times.

JL: I’ve never dealt with the business side until this band. Basically, it has to do with some fickle crowds and some fickle people. Put it this way, some people have done their best to put us down and talk badly of us. We’ve even been blatantly plagiarized.

What’s funny about that is that the plagiarism has actually been recorded. But it’s just stuff like that that we consider politics. It just seems like the harder we worked in our other bands, the less recognition we got. It began to seem like everyone hated us. Feeling like everybody hates you is a learned behavior, which I think drives the attitude.

HC: What’s your focus now?

JL: Out-of-town shows.

HC: What’s your favorite thing about the band?

JL: The extremely low level of bulls**t that goes along with it. From songwriting to business decisions. It’s easy. That’s what I guess I meant by maturity. Maturity would be my favorite thing.

(The) Inanimate Tragedy will be playing at Rhythm & Brews with Mother Monoxide and Eris on Saturday at 9 p.m. Eris has new hoodies, a shirt for the fans, and will be playing a few out-of-town shows in the following months to help promote the release of their EP, which is scheduled for March.

Hope to see everyone there!

New Music Reviews

By Ernie Paik

Lightning Bolt

Annie

Earthly Delights

Don’t Stop

(Load)

(Smalltown Supersound)

“Drum and bass” has a totally new meaning with the Providence, Rhode Island duo Lightning Bolt; it’s always been a temptation to compare it with other supercharged rock duets such as Hella and Ruins, and they are indeed kindred spirits on some level. However, Lightning Bolt is its own beast, overlaying structure atop chaos and deafening noise. Drummer Brian Chippendale plays the exact opposite of what any sensible drum teacher would promote, showing not the least bit of restraint with a manic, indulgent, yet fascinatingly overloaded style; his vocals are buried, distorted, and incomprehensible. Bassist Brian Gibson dramatically alters the sound of his bass with effects, and he uses banjo strings for the top two strings of his bass, helping him to create treble frequencies as well as lower tones. Oddly enough, the band cites minimalist composer Philip Glass as an influence, and it makes sense when considering the duo’s use of repetition and taut structures.

The group’s fifth album, Earthly Delights, kicks off with “Sound Guardians,” which actually leans toward the metal/grindcore side of things more than usual, and it pounds relentlessly with quick bass drum beats and features a wah-pedalinflected fuzz. There are a few oddball tracks, including “Funny Farm,” which might be what a hoedown in the Thunderdome might sound like, with warped approximations of fiddling drones between the metal blasts. The drum-free, squeaky “Rain on Lake I’m Swimming in” is a redheaded stepchild in Lightning Bolt’s catalog, and its echoing treble notes actually approach (gasp!) a pleasant sound; it’s far from being normal or conventionally listenable, though. The longest track on Earthly Delights is the closing number, the 12-minute “Transmissionary,” which doesn’t go through cycles of build and release; it’s all release, release, release. It is remarkable, as is pretty much the entirety of Earthly Delights, for tirelessly sustaining a level of intensity, like the musical equivalent of a firehose turned on at full blast.

The Norwegian dance-pop artist Annie is one of a few acts who have managed to pull off a polished, electro-pop sound while maintaining “indie cred,” appealing more to non-mainstream crowds than Top 40 listeners; ostensibly, Annie’s music may seem more akin to, say, Kylie Minogue or Girls Aloud than Saint Etienne, but a closer listen reveals that Annie avoids contemporary singing affectations that come off as commercial and unpalatable distractions.

Song-for-song, Annie’s second album Don’t Stop is a little more consistent and memorable than her debut Anniemal, but the flow could have been better. Although she gets close, the heights of her previous singles, “Heartbeat” and “Chewing Gum,” aren’t quite matched; actually, “I Don’t Like Your Band” adds to the familiar tug of “Chewing Gum” with bubbling electronics, an over-compressed drum machine, and a new-wave synth bass.

“The Breakfast Song” is unrepentantly catch (and silly) with wah-synth licks and Annie belting out, “What do you want? What do you want for BREAKFAST?!”, and there are plenty of new wave-era throwbacks, like “Songs Remind Me of You” with straight-faced whispered vocals and a “Blue Monday”-esque groove. Other highlights include the mysterious fauxorchestral noir of “Marie Cherie” and the guitar-driven “Bad Times” which suits Annie’s high, soft voice.

There’s been an uncertain and crooked path between Anniemal, released five years ago, and Don’t Stop. Last year, Annie had backed out of an Island Records deal, and a leaked version of the new album had appeared on the Internet. Annie refurbished the album, replacing several songs apparently to keep it fresh, but this meant that a few killer tracks were left off. To me, it would’ve made sense to make a mega-double-length album with all of her best new tracks; with a carefully arranged song sequence, it would have been, well—unstoppable.

95.3 Pulse News www.chattanoogapulse.com 12.17.09 The Pulse

19

On The Beat

A Pause to Reflect

By Alex Teach

I

’ve had some interesting feedback since my tale two weeks ago of what I randomly coined “The Electronaut.”

“So when I occasionally refer to either avid bicyclists or windowlicking helmeted children as anything other than ‘special’, it’s not because I despise humanity; I just don’t tolerate its lack of humility very well.”

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It was timely. It was fascinating.

It was funky. But apparently, it was also a bit “off color” and for that I apologize, but only technically so, because I’m not at all certain about what was wrong with it.

Now, don’t think for an instant this is even a distant cousin to an apology tour; that’s only for Democrat politicians or Caucasians who just discovered self-awareness (usually around age 18 via a college professor, or around age 40 secondhand via their 18-year-old offspring’s college professor) thus engendering personal shame for all the world’s problems. This is not the case with your Fine Author, but I wanted to open a dialogue to explain myself.

I don’t hate everybody, as my last bit of mail would suggest, any more than I am an “emotionless sociopath destined for a special kind of hell”, as my first mail would suggest. The Electronaut was simply an event so unique that I might have invented a new word, but like all birth, it might have been a tad painful and somewhat messy. But how I could not tell such a tale goes hand-in-hand with how I could do so tactfully, in effect making me the victim here. See? It’s just that easy.

Let me give you some background for insight. Early in school, I was

The Pulse 12.17.09 www.chattanoogapulse.com 95.3 Pulse News

taught that what made mankind superior to other animals was its unique ability to think cognitively, and use tools. So I asked the question, “What about sea otters?

They dive for flat rocks and use them to crack oysters open on their stomachs while they swim on their backs.”

The teacher grimaced and gave this some thought, and then said, “What I meant to say is that mankind has the ability to use tools to make other tools, that’s what separates us.” It seemed like a cop out (particularly to what I considered a clever little bastard of an animal in the sea otter), but I let it go at that, for the time being, and stayed distracted by Japanese animation for a few years.

Then later on in advanced biology classes, I had a second revelation when I was taught that drinking your own urine was completely sterile. This led me to mentally picturing folks mucking about for centuries saying, “I feel like crap.

Why is it my tummy doesn’t hurt when it’s MY urine I’m drinking?” and then voila! Some clever sea otter-type puts all the pieces together after years of urine drinking and gives us the answer before retiring on a great pension.

Then, finally, I’m out of school and begin mixing it up with humanity at large, which says it can’t call itself “mankind” any more since the word is offensive, and that sea otters belong in zoos because they are stupid and need our protection, and that we should ban people from legally owning guns because they are

too great a danger, I would assume, to the people that illegally own guns.

It was around then that it all came to me: We are doomed as a race and should consider asking the otters for advice since they’re the only one showing any brains around here.

Indeed, so fascinated was I by humanity’s ill-focused beam of introspection and ego that I dumped college and took a front-row seat to its greatest show by way of police work, where I remain to this day, paid to go door-to-door and streetto-street, not only out of morbid curiosity, but by request. And the show is still going on.

So when I occasionally refer to either avid bicyclists or windowlicking helmeted children as anything other than “special”, it’s not because I despise humanity; I just don’t tolerate its lack of humility very well.

I’m not an insensitive devil…I’m just an observer and participant whereas most are simply selfappointed judges on the sidelines.

But I’m definitely not an emotionless sociopath. How could I be? I believe in the Rules, after all.

Keep the questions coming, folks. Officer Teach loves you. And to those that cannot reciprocate, remember: When complaining, it’s “Chief”, not “Chef”.

You look like a terrific asshole when you call my boss a cook when complaining about me.

When officer Alexander D. Teach is not patrolling our fair city on the heels of the criminal element, he is an occasional student at UTC, an up and coming carpenter, auto mechanic, prominent boating enthusiast, and spends his spare time volunteering for the Boehm Birth Defects Center.

Film Feature

Advance Word on Avatar

By Phillip Johnston

A

few weeks before James Cameron’s Titanic hit theaters in 1997, I remember seeing a special on ABC about the making of the film. Mind you, this was a one-hour television special aired on a major network before the release of a film. Such a thing was unheard of, and I remember being taken aback by it.

Nevertheless, I watched in awed wonderment as Cameron guided us through his towering achievement—not just a film set with a glitzy backdrop or two on some tawdry studio back lot, but what was essentially a functional recreation of the inside of the unsinkable ship.

And to imagine that it would all be destroyed by the time the movie wrapped shooting!

It is no secret that Titanic was a game-changer for American movies.

It remains one of the highest grossing motion pictures of all time and, though many have grown tired of the pop-culture phenomenon engendered by it, there can be no denying that it was an entirely fresh film and one that valued quality (if a bit quixotic) storytelling even in the presence of eye-catching visual spectacle and grandeur.

Such is the way of director James Cameron, the visionary auteur who has always made lavish, expensive films that push the boundaries of what the medium can do. His films, Terminator 2, True Lies, Aliens, Titanic, are iconic in the canon of American cinema and this weekend, his first film in 12 years will be released: Avatar.

He took a similar approach to the primetime Titanic special to promote this new film. A few weeks ago, he hijacked the Fox television show Bones with an episode where some main characters stand in line for hours on end to get tickets for Avatar.

You can decide for yourself whether the choice was innovative or simply forceful.

Cameron wrote the treatment for Avatar in 1995, but the technology he wanted to use was not yet available.

His idea was to detail an American military operation to a planet called Pandora, on which exists a humanoid

race called the Na’vi. To create the Na’vi, Cameron wanted to use motion-capture technology—the technology behind Gollum in Lord of the Rings, Davy Jones in Pirates of the Caribbean, and the great ape in Peter Jackson’s King Kong remake—to create a whole race of computergenerated beings based on the captured movement of real actors.

“Not only did we want absolute reality in terms of human performance by our actors,” Cameron says in Avatar’s press kit, “but we had to do it for a large number of characters where previously it had been done only for one character.” This absolute authenticity is a hallmark of a James Cameron film, and he is more than willing to push his cast and crew to the breaking point to achieve it.

For example: In 1989, Cameron made The Abyss, the most formidable and terrifying underwater film ever made. For the production, he filled the containment vessel of an abandoned nuclear-power facility with eight million gallons of water and submerged the whole show. An infection spread through the water, cast and crew got pneumonia, the frigid temperatures caused hair to freeze and break off, but Cameron kept rolling ten-hour days even in the dead of winter. In the end, he got his movie.

Avatar was screened for critics in large cities last Friday night and 20th Century Fox put an embargo on reviews, saying that they could not be published until the film’s release on December 18. Few critics listened to this suggestion and published their

“This absolute authenticity is a hallmark of a James Cameron film, and he is more than willing to push his cast and crew to the breaking point to achieve it.” reactions right away. Some directors would be upset by this, but Cameron’s Twitter (@JFCameron) told otherwise: “I’m typically a modest person,” he said, “but all of these great reviews are on the mark. I made a fantastic film, and it really shows.”

Will Avatar live up to all the praise or be added to a long list of 2009’s hyped disappointments? I don’t know—I haven’t seen it yet. But I’ll be glued to my theater seat on opening day to find out what James Cameron has in store and glimpse what will perhaps (just maybe) be the future of blockbuster entertainment.

Avatar Directed by James Cameron Starring Sam Worthington, Sigourney Weaver, Zoe Saldana Rated PG-13 Running time: 162 minutes

95.3 Pulse News www.chattanoogapulse.com 12.17.09 The Pulse

21

Shades Of Green

Giving the Gift of Green

By Victoria Hurst

I

“If you have a family member who is looking to further their skills and talents, purchase them a session at a music camp or a writers’ retreat.”

Victoria Hurst is a proud resident of the Appalachian Mountains. She has recently graduated from Warren Wilson College with a B.A. in Creative Writing.

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t’s that time of year again.

The season of giving. Gift giving, to be more precise. In my experience, the morning of December 25 is a glorious occasion that begins with merry ravaging of wrapped boxes and bow-adorned bags. It ends with mountains of plundered packaging being removed from the living room in large mounds.

It was always remarkable to me how much garbage could come out of such a delightful experience.

An estimated 96 percent of Americans celebrate Christmas. Many who don’t celebrate Hanukah. In either case, millions of families across America are bringing home carloads of gifts and sending carloads of trash to the landfill. Besides all the food, wrapping paper, and packaging, consider all the gifts (those hideous plastic earrings from Aunt Mildred, the eight-year-old giant Hershey’s Kiss from Grandma Josephine) that go straight from your under-whelmed hands into the trash.

Another thing that inevitably ends up in the landfill, decomposing for hundreds of holidays to come: artificial Christmas trees. Real trees are great for many reasons. You can go cut them down yourself, at a cute family Christmas tree farm with a hot chocolate table, if you’re lucky. They do require watering, but they also fill your house with that fresh piney smell. Another great thing about real trees: You can recycle them. You can

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get your tree picked up by curbside recycling, or you can choose to drop it off at a local recycling center.

By having your tree re-used for woodchips or mulch, you can help reduce the 700,000 tons of waste going into landfills each year.

As far as reducing the amount of “stuff” that we give people, I have a few options to suggest. For a start, you could make a donation to the World Wildlife Fund. You can choose to “adopt” an animal from their eerily long list of endangered species. The gift goes to a good cause and you also have (if you donate enough) a cute stuffed animal to wrap up and give to someone. At the least, you will have a certificate stating that a donation has been made to the Pygmy Elephant or the Blue-Footed Booby in the recipient’s honor.

Another gift that minimizes waste is a membership. There are all kinds to choose from to suit anyone’s needs: gym, museum, zoo, Sierra Club, or AAA, to name a few. A membership is something that can provide a service or an activity for a person, and can encourage mental and physical health.

Some other ideas: gift certificates to iTunes or Netflix. If you have someone who is particularly hard to buy for, making a contribution to something you know they already use or like will surely be appreciated. You can also make your own homemade vouchers for preparing a three-course meal, pet sitting, house cleaning, or other friendly favors. There are many ways to be creative and cater to your own gift-giving needs.

One of the best aspects of Christmas is time with loved ones. A good way to perpetuate that feeling

of togetherness and give a packagingand clutter-free gift is to purchase a weekend at a local bed & breakfast or resort for family members who don’t live close by. It gives them the opportunity to come back and visit you, while providing a feeling of a vacation (the B&B may provide more of a “getaway” atmosphere than your guest room or fold-out couch). If you have a family member who is looking to further their skills and talents, purchase them a session at a music camp or a writers’ retreat.

Of course, we cannot forget the countless charities and organizations that always benefit from our donations. A contribution in someone’s honor is always a touching gift for any friend or family member; it gives to more than just the recipient.

So this holiday season, be conscious of reducing unnecessary waste and of choosing presents that will make your loved ones—and the Earth—feel loved.

95.3 Pulse News www.chattanoogapulse.com 12.17.09 The Pulse

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Arts & Entertainment

Score Two for “Santaland”

By Robert Yates

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hen Frosty the Snowman, It’s a Wonderful Life, or White Christmas no longer evoke those holiday feelings, David Sedaris’s The Santaland Diaries, now playing at the Chattanooga Theatre Centre may be a prime alternative. A series of nonfiction essays turned monologue, this hour-long production is Sedaris’s story of the Christmas season he worked as one of Santa’s little helpers at Macy’s Department Store in New York City.

You may have read some of his work in the New Yorker or seen compilations of his essays at a bookstore, but Sedaris is famous for publically reading his personal narratives. So much of Sedaris’s appeal is wrapped up in his reading his own work that I was immediately curious (and apprehensive) about a performance with actors playing the author. Sedaris possesses a style that prepares the audience to laugh—but doesn’t beg for it. One of my fears was that the performers would not be able to communicate the charm, honesty, and selfconfidence that make Sedaris’s work so humorous.

Under the direction of Beth Gumnick, the acting had many things going for it. In this production, the monologue is divided for two actors, so the audience watches as two “Sedarises” tell the story.

Gumnick made sure they wore the same clothes, so as not to confuse the audience.

With great vocal variation and energy, Scott Dunlap delivers an entertaining performance.

Balancing Sedaris’s wit and wonder at this bizarre experience, Dunlap takes the audience through “Santaland” as though they have a knowledgeable tour guide. Not only did he seem to master Sedaris’s

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humor, but Dunlap also made The Santaland Diaries his own. When Sedaris performs his work, he reads it and the performance becomes text based. But as a play, many other elements factor in. Dunlap resists the temptation to become lazy and simply imitate Sedaris’s reading style; instead, he approaches the text as an actor, insinuating the words through gesture, intonation, and action.

Andrew Chauncey as the other Sedaris has his moments as well. Much of his strength rests in performing overtly ironic situations.

Toward the beginning of the performance, Sedaris remarks on the overzealous elf cheerleaders. Chauncey blends great line delivery with complicated physicality as he demonstrates the elf’s cheer, producing a moment of sheer hysterics.

While Dunlap and Chauncey have their individual moments, however, they seem to struggle with both being David Sedaris. The lines are quick, one often building on the other. At times it seems as if one actor was waiting for his cue, rather than sharing the same thought as the other. It helps with the action to have two actors on stage, but especially at moments when there is a lot of talking directly to the audience, it seems awkward.

Gumnick uses the Circle Theatre space well as she horseshoes the audience around a colorfully decorated stage made up of large stairs leading to Santa’s throne, a Christmas tree, and a large candy cane. The stage occupies only a third of the performing space. The floor, painted with a stone walkway, allows the actors to move around and come closer to the audience. The two Sedarises add to the spectacle as well, when they change on stage from their casual attire into their work uniform— tights, overalls, a large coat, bright green boots, and an elf hat.

The CTC’s production of The Santaland Diaries

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captures the wit of Sedaris’s essays while making it uniquely a theater performance. Avid Sedaris fans be warned, however—you may not find the Sedaris you are familiar with. He is a master of irony and understatement, leading his audience almost unknowingly to laughter by his subtle performances. His work is surprising. The transition of such work to stage, of course, strengthens some elements while shortchanging others. On the stage the audience sees the tacky candy canes and Santa throne and anticipates a night of laughter. But is it laughter in true Sedaris form? Or are the overtly comic, sometimes farcical elements of the theater performance too self-aggrandizing? I’m not sure— but seeing two grown men in elf costumes earns a few laughs regardless.

The Santaland Diaries $15 7 p.m. December 19, 20 Chattanooga Theatre Centre, Circle Stage 400 River Street. (423) 267-8534. www.theatrecentre.com

A&E Calendar Friday

Thursday

The Black Candle Documentary about Kwanzaa with Maya Angelou.

12:30 p.m.

Free (bring a bag lunch) Bessie Smith Cultural Center, 200 E. MLK Blvd.

(423) 266-8658. www.caamhistory.org

Send your calendar events to us at calendar@chattanoogapulse.com

“The Kennedys with the Curator” 6 p.m. Hunter Museum of Art, 10 Bluff View. (423) 266-0944.

A Christmas Carol 7 p.m. Chattanooga Theatre Centre, Main Stage, 400 River St. (423) 267-8534.

Opera in Cinema: Cosi Fan Tutte 7 p.m. Rave Theatre, 5080 S. Terrace. (423) 855-9652.

James Rogers Holiday Concert 7 p.m. Colonnade Center, 264 Catoosa Cir., Ringgold, GA. (706) 935-9000.

Scenes by Anton Chekhov 7:30 p.m. Chattanooga State Humanities Theater, 4501 Amnicola Hwy. (423) 697-3133.

Keith Alberstadt 8 p.m. The Comedy Catch, 3224 Brainerd Rd. (423) 629-2233.

Contrapasso presents Close(r) Nontraditonal holiday fare with our own modern dance company.

8 p.m. $10 UTC Fine Arts Center, corner of Vine & Palmetto Streets.

(423) 425-4269.

Saturday

A Christmas Carol Not too late to catch the CTC’s new version of Dickens’s fable. $10 - $20 8 p.m.

Chattanooga Theatre Centre, Main Stage, 400 River Street.

(423) 267-8534. www.theatrecentre.com

Monday Joseph Campbell Roundtable 6:30 p.m. Grace Episcopal Church, 20 Belvoir Ave. (423) 653-4477.

“Speak Easy” Spoken word and poetry 8 p.m. Mudpie Restaurant, 12 Frazier Ave. (423) 267-9040. www.mudpierestaurant.com “Deck the Falls” Ruby Falls, 1720 S. Scenic Hwy. (423) 821-2544.

“Angels” by Mary Ferris Kelly Exum Gallery, St. Pauls Episcopal Church, 305 7th St. (423) 266-8195.

Oils and Acrylics by Charlie Newton North River Civic Center, 1009 Executive Dr. (423) 870-8924.

“Alchemy” Shuptrine Fine Art and Framing, 2646 Broad St. (423) 266-4453.

Chattanooga Girls Choir and Christie Burns 6 p.m. Rock City Gardens, 1400 Patten Rd. (706) 820-2531.

Fezziwig Feast 6:30 p.m. Chattanooga Theatre Centre, Circle Stage, 400 River St. (423) 267-8534.

Sunset Concert Series: Dalton Rogers, Tom Morgan and Lynn Haas 7 p.m. North River Civic Center, 1009 Executive Dr. (423) 870-8924.

C.S. Lewis Society review of Mere Christianity, Part 4 7 p.m. Rock Point Books, 401 Broad St. (423) 432-8579. www.rockpointbooks.com Keith Alberstadt 7:30 p.m. The Comedy Catch & Giggles Grille, 3224 Brainerd Rd. (423) 629-2233.

Madeline’s Christmas 7:30 p.m. Chattanooga Theatre Centre, Circle Stage, 400 River St. (423) 267-8534. www.theatrecentre.com White Christmas 7:30 p.m. Colonnade Center, 264 Catoosa Cir., Ringgold, GA. (706) 935-9000. www.colonnadecenter.org A Christmas Carol 8 p.m. Chattanooga Theatre Centre, Main Stage, 400 River St. (423) 267-8534. www.theatrecentre.com The Mystery of Flight 138 8:30 p.m. Vaudeville Café, 138 Market St. (423) 517-1839. www.funnydinner.com Keith Alberstadt 10 p.m. The Comedy Catch, 3224 Brainerd Rd. (423) 629-2233. www.thecomedycatch.com

Sunday White Christmas 10 a.m., 7:30 p.m. Colonnade Center, 264 Catoosa Cir., Ringgold, GA. (706) 935-9000.

Mosaic Market 11 a.m. 412 Market St. (corner of 4th/Market) (423) 624-3915.

Madeline’s Christmas 2:30 p.m. Chattanooga Theatre Centre, Circle Stage, 400 River St. (423) 267-8534.

Faith Believers Church Choir and Christie Burns 6 p.m. Rock City Gardens, 1400 Patten Rd. (706) 820-2531. www.seerockcity.com Mystery of the Nightmare High School Reunion 6 p.m. Vaudeville Café, 138 Market St. (423) 517-1839.

“New Voices” Poetry Reading 7 p.m. Pasha Coffeehouse, 3914 St. Elmo Ave. (423) 315-0721.

Santaland Diaries 7 p.m. Chattanooga Theatre Centre, Circle Stage, 400 River St. (423) 267-8534. www.theatrecentre.com Keith Alberstadt 7:30 p.m. The Comedy Catch & Giggles Grille, 3224 Brainerd Rd. (423) 629-2233. www.thecomedycatch.com Contrapasso Dance Company: Close(r) 8 p.m. UTC Fine Art Center, 615 McCallie Ave. (423) 425-4269.

The Mystery of the Red NeckItalian Wedding 8:30 p.m. Vaudeville Café, 138 Market St. (423) 517-1839. www.funnydinner.com Keith Alberstadt 10 p.m. The Comedy Catch, 3224 Brainerd Rd. (423) 629-2233. www.thecomedycatch.com

Tuesday

Wednesday

Flick’s Café: A Face in the Crowd 6:30 p.m. Chattanooga-Hamilton Bicentennial Library, 1001 Broad St. (423)757-5310. www.lib.chattanooga.gov Black Nativity 7 p.m. Tivoli Theatre, 709 Broad St. (423)757-5050.

“Holiday Highlights” Houston Museum of Arts, 201 High St. (423) 267-7176.

“Twenty Original American Etchings” Hunter Museum of American Art, 10 Bluff View. (423) 266-0944.

“Look Again” River Gallery, 400 E. Second St. (423) 265-5033.

Matthew Dutton Solo Art Exhibition Mosaic Gallery, 41 2 Market St. (423) 320-6758.

Black Nativity 7 p.m. Tivoli Theatre, 709 Broad St. (423) 757-5050.

“Love Supreme: An Exhibit Inspired by the Legendary John Coltrane” Bessie Smith Cultural Center, 200 E. MLK Blvd. (423) 266-8658. www.caamhistory.org “Looking Beyond” Smart Furniture Studio, 313 Manufacturer’s Rd. (423) 643-0025.

Bradley Wilson “Hard Lessons in Zoology: Paintings, Drawings, Assemblages” In-Town Gallery, 26A Frazier Ave. (423)267-9214. www.intowngallery.com “Earth” Warehouse Row Project Space, 1110 Market St. (423) 280-7182. www.tannerhillgallery.com

The Santaland Diaries David Sedaris’s iconic take on being a Macy’s elf. $15 7 p.m.

Chattanooga Theatre Centre, Circle Stage, 400 River Street.

(423) 267-8534. www.theatrecentre.com

The Mystery of the Red NeckItalian Wedding 2 p.m. Vaudeville Café, 138 Market St. (423) 517-1839. www.funnydinner.com A Christmas Carol 2:30 p.m. Chattanooga Theatre Centre, Main Stage, 400 River St. (423) 267-8534. www.theatrecentre.com Madeline’s Christmas 2:30 p.m. Chattanooga Theatre Centre, Circle Stage, 400 River St. (423) 267-8534. www.theatrecentre.com Jones Memorial Handbells 6 p.m. Rock City Gardens, 1400 Patten Rd. (706) 820-2531. www.seerockcity.com Keith Alberstadt 8 p.m. The Comedy Catch, 3224 Brainerd Rd. (423) 629-2233. www.thecomedycatch.com

Editor’s Pick: Featured Event Of The Week CSO Pops “Home for the Holidays” The beloved Chattanooga tradition returns, so gather up the whole clan and toddle off to the Tivoli for an evening of some of the season’s greatest music. With the CSO Chorus, and Christopher Confessore conducting. A hometown holiday tradition for the entire family.

Saturday, December 19 $19 - $79 Tivoli Theatre, 709 Broad Street.

(423) 267-8583. chattanoogasymphony.org

95.3 Pulse News www.chattanoogapulse.com 12.17.09 The Pulse

25

Spirits Within

The Allure of Absinthe

By Joshua Hurley

W

ith Christmas nearly here, the readership of The Pulse should have plenty of gift ideas, thanks to the “Great Buys” offered by Riley’s. Great Buys is where Riley’s Wine and Spirits on Hixson Pike in Hixson picks a favorite item from our large selection of wine and spirits from around the world and shares it with readers of The Pulse. This week, we will learn about the notorious spirit absinthe.

Absinthe is an anise-flavored spirit often mistaken for a liqueur. Upon bottling no sugar is added, therefore it must be classified as a liquor.

Absinthe is derived from herbs, including the flowers and leaves of the herb Artemisia Asinthium, also known as “Grande Wormwood”. Absinthe is usually green in color. but can be colorless. For over a century it has been known as La Fee’ Verte—“the green ferry”.

Absinthe originated in Switzerland, and gained great popularity as a drink in 19th-century France, rapidly spreading to England, Denmark, Spain, Portugal and the United States in cities such as New York and New Orleans. Absinthe was particularly embraced by 19th-century artists and bohemians such as Vincent Van Gogh, Oscar Wilde, Aleister Crowley and Alfred Jarry. Considered the LSD of the day, painters and poets such as Verlaine and Rimbaud consumed it in vast quantities, and its effects can be seen in some of Pablo Picasso’s earlier paintings. All of these great artists of the Victorian era were considered “bad men” by social reformers and conservatives because of their association with the “green ferry”.

In fact, it was Oscar Wilde who once said, “A glass of absinthe’ is the most poetic thing in the world.”

Absinthe contains high alcohol content and a flavor of anise.

Supposedly, if consumed in large quantities, it can cause hallucinations and certainly, addiction. Through history absinthe has been portrayed as a dangerous psychoactive drug. A chemical known as thujone is present in absinthe but only a small quantity.

Critics of absinthe singled out this chemical, and blamed it for the allegedly harmful effects of the drink.

By 1915, absinthe was banned in the United States and most European countries (except the United Kingdom) and not seen again until 2007 in its original recipe. Although vilified by

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“It was Oscar Wilde who once said, ‘A glass of absinthe is the most poetic thing in the world.’” the social reformers, prohibitionists and conservatives of yesteryear, absinthe today holds a mysterious allure, but is no more dangerous than any other alcoholic spirit.

Riley’s offers blends of absinthe: Pernod, Lucid and Le Tourment Vert. All three blends are distilled in the traditional method, i.e., they all include wormwood. My favorite is Pernod Absinthe. In 1905, HenriLouis Pernod founded what was the very first absinthe distillery and during the 19th century it was Pernod Absinthe that was consumed by the poets and artists most respected today.

It is the strongest absinthe available at 136 proof.

Lucid Absinthe is also traditional absinthe, made in France. but exclusively for U.S. consumption.

Slightly lower in alcohol content at 124 proof, it is still strong enough to stand next to Pernod in a blind taste test. Lucid holds the distinction of being the first real absinthe available in the United States since 1921. The smoky, clear bottle contains two greenish eyes peering seductively out at you, which suggests the kinds of drugged, decadent Oscar Wilde-type of world absinthe inspired.

Le Tourment Vert is the least strong of the three at 100 proof. This real French absinthe is available at Riley’s in a convenient stocking-stuffer size of 50 ml. This small sample size gives the uninitiated absolutely no excuse not to partake. Happy Holidays and Cheers!

Table Service

Divine and Green Cuisine at 212 Market

By Colleen Wade

T

he year 1992 marked the beginning of something big in Chattanooga: revitalization of the downtown area was underway, the Tennessee Aquarium opened to the public, and the Moses family started dishing up healthy, delicious food, all made lovingly from scratch at 212 Market.

Mother Maggie Moses, a registered dietician, and daughters Susan, a chef with a degree from the Culinary Institute of America, and Sally, who worked her way through college both cooking and serving, developed 212 Market from the ground up.

“At first, we thought of a funky bakery with eat in and take outs located in the downtown area.,” says Sally Moses. “It morphed into a larger lunch dinner and catering spot across the street from the upcoming aquarium site.” Mother and daughters bring their unique personalities and talents to the table in a recipe for success.

“Maggie holds us together by literally working 7 days a week in all areas—by choice! She keeps us focused. Chef Susan creatively reworks favorites, using inspiration from a lifetime of travels, offshore fishing, art and sourcing local ingredients,” says Sally. “I am more of a ‘filler-in’ person, used primarily to run the front, order wine, share bookwork and sub in the kitchen when needed. We tag team very well and have an amazing staff that adds their ideas daily. Many have been with us for more than a decade.”

With props to their funky bakery idea, 212 Market’s uniforms started as shorts and paintsplattered aprons…that is, until customers started asking for more formality. “Now,” Sally tells us, “we are starting to slide back to the eclectic, individualized look and feel of service, while the chefs sport their own concepts of ‘haute cuisine’ fashion.”

Those aren’t the only changes that have been made at 212 since 1992. Although 212 Market has always been an eco-conscious restaurant, they

became a Certified Green Restaurant in 2007.

The Green Restaurant Association awards this certification to only the most ecologically aware and holds their certified restaurants to stringent guidelines, asking questions as in depth as whether a restaurant recycles its grease and what type of light bulbs are being used in the restaurant.

212 uses compact fluorescent bulbs and LED exterior lights. They have an herb and flower garden on the premises, and redirect rainwater and the condenser on the roof to the garden. They recycle paper, cardboard, glass, plastic and metal; donate their used fry oil to be converted into biodiesel and meat scraps to a local wildlife curator for red wolves, coyotes and foxes.

212 Market is also a member of Slow Food.

“According to Bill McKibben, author and expert on global warming, most food travels 1,5002,000 miles before landing on the plate,” says Sally Moses. “Buying local means less diesel fuel used and fewer CO2 emissions.” 212 uses local vendors like Crabtree Farms, Pickett Farm Trout, Benton’s Bacon, Frassrand Figs, and Mountain View Mushrooms. The restaurant also changes its menu seasonally, based on local in-season foods—another initiative to create an ecologically sustainable restaurant.

Beyond being a Certified Green Restaurant, one of only two in Tennessee, 212 is listed as the featured restaurant in the 2010 AAA Tour Book, and has been a Wine Spectator awards winner going on 11 years. 212 recently became the first “Bicycle Friendly Business” in Tennessee, having been awarded this designation by The League of American Cyclists.

The restaurant’s spinach salad has been featured at the James Beard House in New York. It is accented with toasted hazelnut vinaigrette, crumbled blue cheese, sliced fresh apples from Pikeville and bacon from Benton, Tennessee. The seafood bisque is fantastic, with crawfish, brandy, trinity veg and cream. The chocolate truffle cake is decadently rich and a great way to end a meal.

212 Market, while a very special place to eat, is not just for special occasions. There are very

affordable wine selections and a half-price wine list on Tuesdays, and around 14 selections on their lunch menu for less than $7. And their dinner menu has changed to reflect the economy.

The web site sums it up best: “At 212, we offer you the warmth and comfort of traditional Southern hospitality, combined with a world-class culinary experience.”

212 Market, 212 Market Street, downtown Chattanooga. Lunch Monday through Friday, 11 a.m. – 3 p.m., Saturday and Sunday 11:30 a.m. - 3 p.m. Dinner Monday through Thursday, 5 p.m. 9:30 p.m., Friday and Saturday 5 p.m.- 10 p.m., and Sunday 5 p.m. – 9 p.m. 212 Market serves weekend brunch, and will be serving brunch on Christmas Eve. (423) 265-1212.

95.3 Pulse News www.chattanoogapulse.com 12.17.09 The Pulse

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Free Will Astrology SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): I hope you will get more sleep in 2010. And eat better food, too. And embark on some regimen like meditation that will reduce your stress levels. In general, Sagittarius, I hope you will learn a lot more about what makes your body function at optimum levels, and I hope you will diligently apply what you learn. That doesn’t mean I think you should be an obsequiously well-behaved pillar of the community. On the contrary, what I’m envisioning is that by taking better care of yourself you will make yourself strong enough to run wilder and freer.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Even if you don’t plan to go to school in 2010, I suggest you make plans to further your education. Your current levels of knowledge and skill may be quite impressive, but they simply won’t be enough to keep you growing and adapting forever.

Eventually, you’re going to need to learn more.

And the coming months will be a perfect time, from an astrological perspective, to get that process underway. Here are a few questions to jumpstart your meditations: What ignorance do you find yourself having to increasingly hide?

What subjects captivate your imagination and tantalize your future self? What skills and knowhow do your competitors have that you don’t?

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Imagine that money is not just the literal cash and checks you give and receive, but that it is also an invisible force of nature like gravity or electromagnetism.

Then imagine that it’s possible for this primal energy to be favorably disposed toward you—that on some occasions its rhythms may be more closely aligned with your personal needs. Can you picture that, Aquarius? I hope so, because there is a sense in which this seeming fantasy will be an actuality for you during much of 2010. How well you’re able to capitalize will depend in part on how high you keep your integrity levels. Are you prepared to be more impeccably ethical, fair, and honest than you’ve ever been?

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): Have you been toiling away earnestly at the exhausting homework that life has dumped on you this past year? Have you kept the faith even when you’ve been fooled and confused? Have you applied yourself with a pure heart to the maddening details and puzzling riddles you’ve been asked to master? If you’ve been less than conscientious at doing these tasks, the next two months will bring you a series of tricky final exams. But if you have been doing your due diligence, then you’re on the brink of graduating from boring old problems that you have been studying and studying and studying for a long time. Do we dare hope that you will soon be free of a history that has repeated itself ad nauseam? Yes, I think we do dare.

ARIES (March 21-April 19): I don’t understand why the astronomers responsible for naming newfound objects are so devoid of flair. Here’s a prime example: They found a ‘blazar,” or blazing quasi-stellar object, in a faraway galaxy. It’s powered by a supermassive black hole that’s 10 billion times larger than our sun. Why did they give this fantastic oddity the crushingly boring name “Q0906+6930”? Couldn’t they have called it something like “Queen Anastasia” or “Blessed Quasimodo” or “Gastromopolopolis”? I trust you won’t be as lazy in your approach to all the exotic discoveries you’re going to be making in 2010, Aries. Start getting your imagination in top shape. Make sure it’s primed and ready for your upcoming walkabout to the far reaches of reality.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Scientists say that pretty much everywhere you go on this planet, you are always within three feet of a spider. That will be an especially useful and colorful truth for you to keep in mind during 2010. Hopefully it’ll inspire you to take maximum advantage of your own spider-like potentials. It’s going to be web-spinning time, Taurus: an excellent phase in your long-term life cycle to weave an extended network—with you at the hub—that will help you catch an abundance of the resources you need.

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The Pulse 12.17.09 www.chattanoogapulse.com 95.3 Pulse News

By Rob Brezsny

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): I don’t normally recommend that you worry too much about what others think of you. In 2010, however, you could benefit from thinking about that subject more than usual. Judging from the astrological omens, I suspect that you’ll be able to correct misunderstandings that have negatively affected your reputation. You might even have the power to shift people’s images of you so that they’re in relatively close alignment with the truth about who you actually are. Here’s the best news: You may be more popular than you’ve ever been.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): I’m hoping that you will get out more in 2010. And I mean way out. Far out. Not just out to the unexplored hotspots on the other side of town (although that would be good), but also out to marvelous sanctuaries on the other side of paradise. Not just out to the parts of the human zoo where you feel right at home, but also out to places in the urban wilderness where you’ll encounter human types previously unknown to you. In conclusion, traveler, let me ask you this: What was the most kaleidoscopic trip you’ve ever taken? Consider the possibility of surpassing it in the next 12 months.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): One of the 20th century’s greatest scientific minds was Nobel Prize-winning physicist Max Planck. He knew that in his field, like most others, ingenious innovation doesn’t automatically rise to the top. The advancement of good new ideas is hampered by the conservatism and careerism of scientists. “A new scientific truth does not triumph by convincing its opponents and making them see the light,” he wrote, “but rather because its opponents eventually die, and a new generation grows up that is familiar with it.” In 2010, Leo, there’ll be a similar principle at work in your sphere. Influences that have been impeding the emergence of excellence will burn out, dissipate, or lose their mojo. As a result, you’ll be able to express and take advantage of innovations that have previously been quashed.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Twenty-two percent of American rightwing fundamentalists believe that Barack Obama is the Anti-Christ. On the other hand, 73 percent of the people who read my horoscopes think that if there were such a thing as an Anti-Christ, he would be an American rightwing fundamentalist. But I’d like to discourage speculations like that among the Virgo tribe in 2010. According to my reading of the omens, you should take at least a year off from getting worked up about your version of the devil. Whoever you demonize, just let them alone for a while. Whatever you tend to fault as the cause of the world’s problems, give your blame mechanism a rest. As much as possible, create for yourself an Enemy-Free Zone.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): I’m hoping that 2010 will be the year you do whatever it takes to fall more deeply in love with the work you do. I’d like to see you reshape the job you have so that it better suits your soul’s imperatives. If that’s not possible, consider looking for or even creating a new job. The cosmos will be conspiring to help you accomplish this. Both hidden and not-sohidden helpers will be nudging you to earn your livelihood in ways that serve your highest ideals and make you feel at peace with your destiny.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): “It Don’t Mean a Thing (If It Ain’t Got That Swing)” is a jazz tune composed in 1931 by Duke Ellington and Irving Mills. In accordance with your long-term astrological omens, I propose that we make that song title your motto in 2010—the standard you’ll keep referring to as you evaluate which experiences you want to pursue and which you don’t. Please proceed on the assumption that you should share your life energy primarily with people and situations that make your soul sing and tingle and swing.

Homework: Create a title that captures the essence of what you hope to accomplish in 2010, like “The Year I Figure Out What I Really Want” or “The Year I Become a Modest Super-Hero.”

FreeWillAstrology.com

JONESIN’

By Matt Jones

“Best Of The Decade” –part two, covering 2002-2003

Across 1 One who soon becomes a jr.

5 Rep. group 8 Improv finish?

11 Recent Chevrolet hatchback 12 Rowboat need 13 Like Spock’s nerve pinch 16 Paul from “American Splendor,” one of Salon. com’s 10 Best Movies of 2003 18 When mastodons roamed 19 Upside-down food packaging that made BusinessWeek’s Best Products of 2002 list 21 “Pick me! I know the answer!” call 23 Finish up the paperwork 24 Prepared 25 Fluffy ‘do 26 ___ King Cole 28 “Peer ___” (Ibsen play) 30 Stroke of luck 32 Spherical opening?

34 Killer whale 38 Game from IGNPC’s Best of E3 2003 Awards (for Best Persistent Online Title) 41 “___ petit placidam sub libertate quietem” (Massachusetts motto) 42 Craft-y tabloid subjects?

43 Science that focuses on cancer: abbr.

44 Suffix with kitchen 46 Anatomically incorrect male doll 48 ___ Mulan (Chinese legend that a Disney film was based on) 49 Glastonbury ___ (hill in England) 52 ___ spumante 54 Psychoanalyst Alfred and namesakes 56 Mean-sounding Elvis Costello solo album on NPR’s Best Music of 2002 list 59 Gazelle relative 60 Yann Martel best-seller that won the 2002 Man Booker Prize for Fiction 63 Philosophy that deals with yin and yang 64 ___ de parfum 65 Yuletide 66 Bad letters stamped on a check 67 Sun, in Ibiza 68 Figure skater’s jump Down 1 Get droopy 2 Prefix meaning “egg” 3 Times with the most activity 4 Prefix before -pathic 5 “Ha, I fooled you!”

6 Inaugural reading 7 Toyota hybrid 8 “Just so ___ you know...”

9 Sings like Mel Torme 10 Muppet Sam, for one 13 Mnemonic for colors of the spectrum, starting at the other end

14 E. Coast home of the Huskies 15 Nair competitor 17 Made up (for) 20 Halloween costume component with ears and a snout 21 “___ go into the wild blue yonder...”

22 Acrylic fiber trademark 27 Crisp fabric for ball gowns 29 Undecided 31 Swiss abstract painter Paul 33 Time for a late lunch, maybe 35 Teen actress who plays Kayla on “Desperate Housewives” 36 Plastic explosive variety, spelled out 37 Book of locations 39 Performed better than Michael Phelps, say 40 “With two,” in Italian musical works 45 Coin-flip call 47 Quite a talking-to 49 Goofball 50 Slightly exasperated exclamation 51 Properties that are taken back 53 Many Caribbean cruise stops 55 “Mean” hotelier Helmsley 57 Ingenue 58 “Bye, Bruno” 61 Number one concern?

62 Home from school, say

©2009 Jonesin’ Crosswords (editor@jonesincrosswords.com) For answers to this puzzle, call: 1-900-226-2800, 99 cents per minute. Must be 18+. Or to bill to your credit card, call: 1-800-655-6548. Reference puzzle #0446.

Solution To Last Week’s Puzzle

Never Worry About Losing A Copy Of The Pulse Keep Up Online at www.chattanoogapulse.com 95.3 Pulse News www.chattanoogapulse.com 12.17.09 The Pulse

29

Ask A Mexican

Weighty Asian Roofing

By Gustavo Arellano

“Whether you’re Vietnamese, Japanese, Korean, Burmese or from Macao, you will always, always remain a chinita bonita to your man’s aunts—just ask my ex.”

Ask the Mexican at themexican@ askamexican.net, myspace.com/ocwab, facebook.com/garellano, find him on, Twitter, or write: Gustavo Arellano, P.O. Box 1433, Anaheim, CA 92815-1433!

30

Dear Mexican, I’m an Asian female, and for some time now I’ve been fascinated by the Mexican culture. I find Mexican males to be very attractive. Their food, language and music are just amazing! How much of a chance do I have dating a Mexican hombre if I’m Asian?

— Muchacha China Curiosa Dear Chinita, Dios mío, are you in luck! Mexican society loves their Asian women—it’s the job-stealing, vice-promoting men we can’t stand. The beautiful, colorful flowing dress Mexican women wear when dancing baile folklorico is generally called the china poblana, in remembrance of an apocryphal Indian slave from the 17th century. To dress as a china in Mexican popular parlance of the late 1800s meant to dress like a lower-class mujer for the purposes of becoming alluring, like the characterization of the gypsy woman or mulatta in American culture. And even in the present day, we romanticize Asian mujeres but without the dragon-lady bad vibes gabachos throw in their hot pot of racial desires. In other words, not only do you have beaucoup chances of dating a Mexican, you’re going to have to beat them back with a bamboo stick. Only drawback?

Whether you’re Vietnamese, Japanese, Korean, Burmese or from Macao, you will always, always remain a chinita bonita to your man’s aunts—just ask my ex.

Dear Mexican, I have a Mexican friend who is

The Pulse 12.17.09 www.chattanoogapulse.com 95.3 Pulse News

a roofer. He and his crew are very efficient and do excellent work. I pay them the fair-market price for their labor—the same money I would pay gabacho roofers if they weren’t all fucked-up on crystal meth, Wild Turkey, shitty relationships with skanky-ass whores, etc. My gabacho contractor friends mock me and call me a dumb-ass for this but believe it or not, exploiting el cheapo immigrant labor just ain’t my bag. It’s very lonely being me. So, my question is: Do you, as a Mexican, or taco bender, or pepper belly, think that I’m a dumbass?

— Roofer Who Doesn’t Use Roofies To Nail Rucas Dear Jefe, Dumb-ass, you? Can you get me a job, and hire my 15 cousins también?

The problem of Mexican workers in los Estados Unidos getting paid less than their gabacho counterparts has existed since forever, so for you—a gabacho—to not only pay fair wage to Mexicans, but do it in the realm of construction (a 2005 study published by the National Association of Home Builders found that Mexicans not only occupied the lower rungs of the construction industry, but bore the brunt of lower-wage jobs as a result) qualifies usted for folk sainthood status in some rancho in Guanajuato.

Dear Mexican, Maybe your column can address the question of why Mexicans allow so many of their small children to become obese. As a mother of three, I find this to be a heart-wrenching circumstance. I know healthy food is more expensive (especially if you choose not to garden) but the long-

term medical situation (which maybe is not known/appreciated within their community) for their children is obviously grave. You could do a public service in your column.

— Grieving Over Ruined Dinner Angst Dear GORDA, Same reason gabacho and negrito parents do—lack of exercise, education and healthy eating. I don’t mean to sound flippant or apologetic for my raza, but black and white kids ain’t exactly Kate Mosses in the world of childhood obesity. According to a 2002 Center for Disease Control survey done by its National Center for Health Statistics, nearly 40 percent of Mexican-American kiddies ages six to 11 are overweight, and 23.7 percent obese, compared with 35.9/19.5 of negritos and 26.2/11.8 of gabachos in their respective categories. My public service? Parents: Instead of serving your niños eight Christmas tamales this season, make do with seis and hold back on the second helping of pozole.