The Pulse 12.52 » December 24, 2015

DECEMBER 24, 2015

CHATTANOOGA'S WEEKLY ALTERNATIVE

An

Alex Teach

Christmas OUR ANNUAL HOLIDAY TRADITION

MUSIC

ARTS

SCREEN

TREY FORBES

APOTHECARY

FORCE STRONG

VARIETY

INFINITE

STAR WARS

Toast good friends and family this holiday season with a great selection of wines and more.

Come see why we’re the liquor store with a smile...

3849 Dayton Blvd. • Ste. 113 423.877.1787 At the corner of Morrison Springs Road and Dayton Boulevard in the Bi-Lo Shopping Center

2 • THE PULSE • DECEMBER 24, 2015 • CHATTANOOGAPULSE.COM

Contents

CHATTANOOGA'S WEEKLY ALTERNATIVE

EDITORIAL

Managing Editor Gary Poole Contributing Editor Janis Hashe

December 24, 2015 Volume 12, Issue 52

Editorial Assistant Stephanie Smith Music Editor Marc T. Michael Film Editor John DeVore Contributors David Traver Adolphus • Thom Benson Rob Brezsny • Patrick Filbin • Matt Jones Mike McJunkin • Ernie Paik Rick Pimental-Habib • Alex Teach

Features

Cartoonists Max Cannon • Rob Rogers Jen Sorenson • Tom Tomorrow

4 BEGINNINGS: It’s been a memorable decade in a memorable place.

Cover Illustration BSG Studio FOUNDED 2003 BY ZACHARY COOPER & MICHAEL KULL

12 ARTS CALENDAR

ADVERTISING

Director of Sales Mike Baskin

14 AIR BAG: We’ve had cars for 120 years. They’ve kind of changed things.

Account Executives Chee Chee Brown • Robyn Graves Linda Hisey • Rick Leavell Stacey Tyler • Logan Vandergriff

CONTACT

Offices 1305 Carter St., Chattanooga, TN 37402 Phone 423.265.9494 Fax 423.266.2335 Website chattanoogapulse.com Email info@chattanoogapulse.com BREWER MEDIA GROUP Publisher & President Jim Brewer II THE FINE PRINT: The Pulse is published weekly by Brewer Media and is distributed throughout the city of Chattanooga and surrounding communities. The Pulse covers a broad range of topics concentrating on music, the arts, entertainment, culture and local news. The Pulse is available free of charge, limited to one copy per reader. No person without written permission from the publisher may take more than one copy per weekly issue.

The Pulse may be distributed only by authorized distributors.

Contents Copyright © 2015 by Brewer Media. All rights reserved.

6

A Dark Blue Christmas

He walked out to his car expecting to see frost on the windshield or perhaps even his breath visible in the air, the water in his lungs showing the visible spirit he hadn’t felt inside for years. Naturally, he didn’t even get that much.

10

A Room Of Infinite Possibilities

“Curate” is one of those overused words that people love to hate. The Guardian called it “an absurdity,” when things like salads and Twitter feeds are curated.

20

The Philosopher Who Makes Music

Trey Forbes is an interesting fellow. Part musician, part philosopher; in a career that has so far spanned 34 years, Trey has written and recorded five albums and created a small library of musings on life, the universe and everything.

15 NEW YEAR'S EVE GUIDE 19 MIXOLOGY: How to drink the holidays like a native—of somewhere else.

22 MUSIC CALENDAR 24 REVIEWS: Two locals release new music definitely worthy of attention.

25 DIVERSIONS 26 SCREEN: The new “Star Wars” is everything we hoped it might be.

28 FREE WILL ASTROLOGY 29 JONESIN’ CROSSWORD 30 SUSHI & BISCUITS: Chef Mike saves the party with these easy, cheesy tips.

Follow The Pulse on Facebook (we’re quite likeable) www.facebook.com/chattanoogapulse CHATTANOOGAPULSE.COM • DECEMBER 24, 2015 • THE PULSE • 3

NEWS • VIEWS • RANTS • RAVES

BEGINNINGS

UPDATES » CHATTANOOGAPULSE.COM FACEBOOK/CHATTANOOGAPULSE EMAIL LOVE LETTERS, ADVICE & TRASH TALK TO INFO@CHATTANOOGAPULSE.COM

Fabulous, Sometimes Infuriating, But Never Boring It’s been a memorable decade in a very memorable place The second day after I moved to Chattanooga in 2006, I was walking across the Walnut Street Bridge with the Chattanooga Cares “Strides of March.”

My dear friend Dr. Rick Pimental-Habib had signed us up for the event. As we JANIS walked, I came alongside a friendly couple, and in the course of conversation, the gentleman asked, “Are you a Democrat?”

“Since age 18,” I said. “Would you like to work on an election campaign?” Terry Stulce inquired.

“You bet,” I said—and launched

myself into a decade of involvement in multiple causes, passions and jobs that has been one of the most satisfying of my life.

So now, as I prepare to leave Chattanooga to return to California, I’d like to express my sincere gratitude HASHE to some of the people and organizations that have made my time here so worthwhile.

Terry and Kate Stulce, Paul Smith, Stephen Harper and Martha Emery, Rev. Kenneth Love and selected other HamDems. It’s been real, hasn’t it? But we contin-

FAREWELL

“Thank you, Chattanooga and Chattanoogans. If you get out to the Golden State, look me up.” ue to care and fight on.

The infamous Recycling Task Force, which, while a fiasco in many ways, introduced me to Betsy Bramlett (miss you), Sandy Kurtz, Dave Porfiri and other wonderful people.

Terri Rieth, Arthur Stovall and my good friends at the Chattanooga Zen Group. My practice has deepened immensely through the opportunity to sit with and learn from you. Gassho.

Leadership Chattanooga and the friends (Kathie Fulgham, you know who you are) I made there… Take Root forever!

Chattanooga State, the administration and staff of the Humanities/Fine Arts Department for the chance to teach, which I’ve loved.

My clients (and friends) from OpenLines Communication. I’ve so enjoyed working with you and hope you flourish for many years to come. A special shout out to Gary Watkins and the IBEW 175, also Jenni Berz, who’s a super business partner.

Stephanie Smith, Steve Disbrow, and all the folks who have made Shakespeare Chattanooga projects possible. There are good things to come in 2016—the Bard in the Back Yard!

Richard Winham and everyone at WUTC.

4 • THE PULSE • DECEMBER 24, 2015 • CHATTANOOGAPULSE.COM

What a great station you are.

Thanks for all the support for projects.

Bob Stagner, Ernie Paik, the late Dennis Palmer and the Shaking Ray Levi Society…you guys rock in so many ways, not least in how I always felt right at home with you and your amazing projects. Long may you reign!

(I will never forget how Dennis used to tease Ernie at meetings by making up things Ernie supposedly had said or was going to say…none of them within the Ernie Universe but totally within Dennis’s. Miss you, good friend.)

All my neighbors and fellow members of the 21st Century Neighborhood Association. I adore my house and my neighborhood and I’ll always remember your kindness and generous welcome.

The volunteers at the fledgling League of Women Voters chapter. You are doing really good work. Hang in there!

Zach Cooper and Michael Kull for hiring me first as a freelancer, then as The Pulse’s contributing editor. Guys, that Rossville Avenue office sucked—but the work we did didn’t. Gary Poole and all my friends at Brewer Media Group for the years after The Pulse changed owners—you’ve meant an important community voice continues.

And last, but absolutely not least, Dr. Rick, who has been the most loyal and loving friend imaginable. Our friendship has survived many moves and locations, as it will for a lifetime.

Thank you, Chattanooga and Chattanoogans. If you get out to the Golden State, look me up.

You’ll always have a place in my heart.

THE FINEST IN

WINE&SPIRITS

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KETEL ONE

Find A Red Bucket Today For The Holidays Christmas is the time for friends and families to get together and celebrate their love and appreciation for each other.

It is a spiritual time for many, a reason to focus on something larger than themselves. This involves giving back to people who may not be as fortunate.

Consider your holiday season. What do you and your loved ones do to celebrate?

And do you take the time to reflect on the big picture? How do your actions affect those around you and are they supportive of your community at large?

One way to uplift those around you is to support local organizations whose mission is to help those who are hardest hit during these seasonal months. Our local Salvation Army is one such organization

IN THIS ISSUE

Alex Teach Our cover story this week, our annual holiday tradition, is by Alex Teach, a California native and a 20year veteran police officer.

He’s a street cop who found a cathartic outlet for rampant cynicism in the form of writing. “I have a front-row seat to the most disturbing show on

that strives to help those in desperate need during the cold months.

You’ve seen the red kettles. You’ve heard the bells. For more than 100 years, volunteers have participated in one of the most famous street campaigns to help the homeless population. Stop and put something in the buckets—and know that your money is going to a worthy cause.

Thousands of volunteers are needed to ring the bells and adopt the angels.

But they’re needed all year-round as well. Volunteer your time by visiting csarmy.org.

— Stephanie Smith

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PINNACLE

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David Traver Adolphus earth,” says Teach. “Nightmares, like The Pulse, are free. Both should be shared with everyone.” His columns have attracted the attention of mayors and U.S. senators, though only when readers are attempting to have him fired. Officer Teach is also an avid bicyclist and passionate recreational boater, whose likes include short walks, rum, and volunteering at the Boehm Birth Defects Center when he has the time.

David Traver Adolphus is our resident car geek, covering all things automotive for us on a monthly basis. David is a freelance automotive researcher who recently quit his full-time job writing about old cars to pursue his lifelong dream of writing about old AND

new cars. David occasionally contributes to Road & Track magazine and often to roadandtrack.com and elsewhere.

He is also the founder of The Road Home, a nonprofit benefitting post-9/11 veterans. Learn more about it on Facebook @theroadhomeusa.

As far as his automotive writing, he welcomes the inevitable and probably richly deserved kvetching about Airbag and anything else on Twitter as @proscriptus.

WE NOW HAVE LOW GRAVITY BEER!

216 MARKET STREET

423-266-8420

ONE BLOCK FROM THE TN AQUARUM

CHATTANOOGAPULSE.COM • DECEMBER 24, 2015 • THE PULSE • 5

COVER STORY

A Dark Blue Christmas

An officer looks into the heart of darkness—and finds a light

by Alex Teach, Pulse columnist and resident Grinch

H

e walked out to his car expecting to see frost on the windshield or perhaps even his breath visible in the air, the water in his lungs showing the visible spirit he hadn’t felt inside for years. Naturally, he didn’t even get that much.

Christmas morning—and it was approaching 70°. It wasn’t that he’d prefer to be cold, and he could even deal with yet another expectation being shattered; it was that the trade-off was apparently having to deal with even larger hordes of asshole children being unsupervised by their asshole parents.

These kids were running about the streets making noise and leaving toys on the ground for their absentee guardians to run over with their overpriced cars, whereupon they would inevitably complain about the very ingratitude they instilled within their children themselves.

This train of thought came and went with Officer Christian’s hand in a rictus on the handle of his cruiser’s door handle, accompanied by a sneer he wasn’t even aware was usually present.

Roll call was the usual repetitive monotone of a supervisor younger than he was in a profession almost as old as the pros6 • THE PULSE • DECEMBER 24, 2015 • CHATTANOOGAPULSE.COM

titution he held it akin to. The few new tidbits were filed away in the appropriate places, to be processed over a cup of coffee that would help quell the cacophony in his head, left there by the previous night’s events hosted by spiced rum and cola.

The probationary officers present were leery of him, but that was to be expected, too. (“Why aren’t you a T.O. any more, Pete?” he’d been asked a while back. “I am a training officer,” he’d replied. “I’m the lesson. They don’t need to ride in my car to see what they need to avoid.” The petitioner raised an eyebrow in consideration, and fairly quickly agreed.)

Everything was darkness. He

worked the dayshift now, but the volume of light didn’t have much to do with what that truly means, and it’s difficult to describe to someone who doesn’t know about it firsthand.

Officer Peter Christian was in the top of his class in the beginning, a real blue-chip stock in a field filled with well-intended mediocrity, and he indeed went places. Unfortunately, those places don’t always have a road map.

A pothole here, a pothole there, that’s fine...even the occasional flat tire. Wear and tear is forecast and dealt with, but when you stay off the beaten path long enough, you stop seeing the tourist spots and instead

“Christmas morning—and it was approaching 70°. It wasn’t that he’d prefer to be cold, and he could even deal with yet another expectation being shattered.” only see the back alleys and maintenance sheds and the piles of garbage that collect from keeping the hotspots pretty and attractive, and the line you walk between being a citizen and a peace keeper doesn’t get thinner; it gets thicker.

And like a frog slowly coming to a boil in a pot of water, sometimes you don’t know it’s happening until it’s too late to jump out, because you didn’t even know the muscles allowing you to do so were atrophying. But even all that is expected and dealt with along the way. Officer Pete, however, had more stops on his path than most and the tolls, like a Jersey turnpike, added up quickly.

“What’s with that guy?” a P.O. asked his training officer after line-up. “He OK? He just freaks me out. I mean, why’s he still here? He can leave by now, right?

Why isn’t he a sarge by now or something?”

The T.O. raised an eyebrow, but measured his response. The kid shouldn’t have asked such a thing, but it was a thing with this generation…and Pete was right, he was a lesson.

“I get it,” the training officer said to his rookie. “I thought the same thing, but remember that wreck on Hemphill a few years ago? The one where Hendricks died? I know they talked about it in the academy.”

The kid nodded. Officer mortality doesn’t get voiced unless absolutely mandatory, no matter the generation.

“I was there, too. Worst scene I’ve ever been on.” He paused. “Pete Christian was holding Hendricks’ hand when he died. He was smiling, Pete was. Whole world was hell around him, and he kept cool when he knew that was it for Hendricks.”

The fledgling was quiet, and his eyes narrowed in thought. “So that was it…Yeah, I can see that doing it.”

“Actually,” his T.O. said, “no. That wasn’t it. The critical incident debriefing afterwards? We’re all there, it’s mandatory, and the ses-

sion leader is asking if this is our first one. Half of us raised our hands. They ask second, third one? Fourth? Hands stop going up, except his. Pete has to answer when asked, ‘11, I think.’

Eleven times this guy’s had to get just the mandatory counseling—he thinks? I been here ten years and I’ve had two, the instructor’s only hosted five of these statewide, so she doesn’t know what to say but Pete does. Just looks at the floor, even smiled once. So yeah…he’s weird. He earned it though. Let him be.”

Officer Pete was very much “letting it be” all right, lowering his hand into a sack of Lemon Heads he’d found orphaned on the ground at a wreck scene, tossed from a car that was more scrap metal than parts now.

He was watching the sunset from the side of a ridge that bisected the city and in the comfort of a private lot he had a gate key to for a house that had never been built. He’d escorted the owners’ daughter to an E.R. once when she was in anaphylactic shock from a bee sting, and the guy was determined to show gratitude (even though she’d still died, which is why the house had never been built nor the property sold).

He suddenly jerked his head to the left upon sensing movement out of the corner of his eye, but quickly dismissed it, despite the adrenaline advising him to do otherwise. It was just another shadow.

“Everything was darkness,” had we mentioned that? The darkened hue the world took on was almost polite; it would creep in at the edges like varicose veins, building up slowly but surely over time…but the shadows, they were downright inconvenient. Always moving at the corner of your eye and always randomly.

Peter Christian had long since accepted he might be crazy now (you’re allowed to be politically incorrect in your own head, for CHATTANOOGAPULSE.COM • DECEMBER 24, 2015 • THE PULSE • 7

“His hand, once again in a rictus, but this time around a pistol instead of a door handle, began to relax as he listened to the sounds of ‘The Santa Train,’ of all things.” the record) and if that was the case what could he do about it? But the occasional darting shadow, that he never got used to.

The Lemon Heads had brought joy, but also an irritable stomach. The sunset was just what he’d hoped for, though, and that was a treat unto itself. Something about transitions had always been appealing to him.

From daylight to dusk, to that spot where a woman’s neck turns into shoulder…it had always fascinated him, so he took them in silently, and occasionally even with a smile, but he needed to head home now. Max was waiting, his only true companion.

He’d be the first to admit that he’d run the other companions off over the years, but Max figured out what the others could not: that his inability to speak set him apart from the rest and so naturally, the last man standing would not be a man, but a dog.

Home again. The noise outside had subsided from its comparably horrible morning (school being out was like a community service sentence you have to carry out in your own home), but a strange calm had settled over Pete tonight, and even with noise, he may have been less than annoyed.

The TV had been left off and the bills were neatly collated on the dinner table, placed strategically around the pop-top canned goods bachelors were known for leaving out for convenience, and Pete had even decided to clean his gun for the first time since in-service training. It was a holiday of peace, so why not? And 8 • THE PULSE • DECEMBER 24, 2015 • CHATTANOOGAPULSE.COM

there had been so little peace in his life these last few years…every little bit would help. Just the smell of gun oil was appealing for the order he knew it would bring, for the precision it allowed and the continual function. Yes, such a relaxing idea. Max whimpered down by his feet, sensing something amiss. He picked up the pistol and hesitated before unloading it, admiring it for what it was and how useful it could be for problems that could be solved no other way…when he heard sirens.

Pete closed his eyes, the gun still in is hand, when the sirens were also met with squeals of joy.

Joy? He laughed. His hand, once again in a rictus, but this time around a pistol instead of a door handle, began to relax as he listened to the sounds of “The Santa Train,” of all things. Cops, firemen, EMS workers…driving all around town to deliver care packages to needy kids by the thousand (over 10,000, actually).

All this darkness. Bitterness.

Gone, in a gale of children’s laughter. He was remembering.

His uniform was still in the corner, draped over a chair. If he moved fast, he could don it again and catch up with the train, the train filled with uniforms like his delivering joy instead of heartbreak, sadness…

So much anger, so much waste.

Yes. He had time after all. Whatever bridge he had just crossed in his heart, he could already feel a difference, as if his heart was growing two sizes too big. But was it such a shock?

I mean, after all…It’s Christmas.

CHATTANOOGAPULSE.COM • DECEMBER 24, 2015 • THE PULSE • 9

ARTS SCENE

A Small White Room Of Infinite Possibilities Ruby Falls

87 Years Of Underground Wonder Iconic Ruby Falls celebrates its discovery day on Dec. 30 Ruby Falls has been one of the most visited tourist destinations in Chattanooga for many years. Buried inside beautiful Lookout Mountain, it is the only underground waterfall open to the public and a unique attraction, with more than 400,000 people visiting annually.

For historians and geologists, it was an exciting discovery in the 1920s. In 1928, chemist Leo Lambert discovered the formerly hidden Ruby Falls Cave and its waterfall.

He later took his wife Ruby to see the falls and decided to name them after her.

In addition to the cave, tourists can visit the ZIPstream Aerial Adventure Course next door and look down at the beautiful Tennessee Valley from the Lookout Mountain

tower.

Ruby Falls is now about to celebrate 87 years since its discovery in 1928. Every visitor at Ruby Falls on Dec. 30 will receive a flyer with fun cave facts and a vintage-style postcard to commemorate the occasion.

The first 87 guests to tour on this day can take the tour for the original $2 entrance fee!

— Stephanie Smith Ruby Falls Discovery Day 87th Anniversary Wednesday, Dec. 30 Opening: 8 a.m.

Ruby Falls 1720 Scenic Hwy (423) 821-2544 rubyfalls.com

THU12.24

FRI12.25

SAT12.26

RING THE BELL

HOLIDAY FEAST

LOCAL COMEDY

“The Polar Express 3D”

Christmas Brunch on the Bluff

Corey Forrester

A Christmas tradition.

Come see the modernday Tom Hanks animated classic in full IMAX 3D. 2, 5 p.m.

Tennessee Aquarium 1 Broad St. (423) 265-0695 tennesseeaquarium.org

They won't have the Whos’ favorite roast beast, but they will have just about everything else.

11 a.m.

Bluff View Art District 411 E. 2nd Street 423-265-5033 x4 bluffviewartdistrict.com

A hometown comedy success story, Corey brings a different take on Southern comedy.

7:30 p.m.

The Comedy Catch at the Chattanooga Choo Choo 1400 Market St. thecomedycatch.com

10 • THE PULSE • DECEMBER 24, 2015 • CHATTANOOGAPULSE.COM

Jordan Amirkhani teaches curating with UTC’s versatile Apothecary space

“C

URATE” IS ONE OF THOSE OVERUSED WORDS that people love to hate. The Guardian called it “an absurdity,” when things like salads and Twitter feeds are curated.

Arts ERNIE PAIK

“

I think the most important aspect of curating a show is the ability to react to a variety of challenges that you are never going to be prepared for.”

“The way the term has become so closely associated with marketing and corporate values is indeed a bit depressing,” said Jordan Amirkhani, a professor of art history at the University of Tennessee Chattanooga, via email. “I remember walking into a J. Crew once and seeing a sign in front of $400 trousers that read: ‘The Curator Pant.’”

However, it’s a word with real meaning in the realm of art, where it represents a skill that can be overlooked and undervalued.

“I always try to think of ‘curate’ in terms of its original Latin etymology: to care or protect—and to remind myself that curating objects or a space is a form of care and perhaps a civic responsibility,” said Amirkhani. “At the end of the day, all ‘curating’ is (or needs to be) is a way of making art known, public and present in the community.”

For the previous semester, Amirkhani has taught a class on curatorial practices that required students to prepare new exhibitions at Apothecary Gallery, located at 744 McCallie Ave., on a weekly basis, at the peak of its activity.

“I stepped into Apothecary this fall as a new hire to UTC’s Art Department and merely took over what my fellow colleagues had worked to create and develop for years,” said Amirkhani, who considers herself to be a “temporary caretaker”

for the space. “In the beginning, Apothecary was an experimental space for UTC Art students and faculty to try things out and has over the course of the past few years evolved into a proper undergraduate class.”

Amirkhani, who earned her Ph.D. in the History of Art at the University of Kent in England, has curatorial experience at the Royal Academy of Art in London and served as a curatorial fellow for the Phillips Collection in Washington, D.C., where she worked on retrospective exhibitions spotlighting the work of Georgia O’Keeffe, Man Ray and Wassily Kandinsky. An Photo by Ernie Paik activist and art critic, Amirkhani writes for the international art journal Daily Serving.

Apothecary has earned attention as one of the most exciting modern art spaces in Chattanooga in recent memory, with diverse offerings from local and visiting artists that are sometimes immersive, unconventional and able to provoke multiple senses.

Exhibitions have included Chris Pickering’s otherworldly walk-in cardboard igloo, music show poster art from the legendary Globe Poster company, Mark Reamy’s transportive 2D-becomes-3D slideshow environment and the riotous “Glitter Vomit” from Taylor Vance and Corinne Atamaniuk.

“Gallery spaces should be sites of risk and encourage those visiting the gallery to think,” said

Amirkhani. “But I believe it is also important to be aware of the ways in which galleries, museums, universities, etc. are also places where radical and subversive ideas go to die.

“All one can do is find a realistic relation to this conundrum and continue to work hard to create meaningful work, and I think Apothecary has been a space where that kind of work can be productively explored.”

Art curation offers multiple challenges, often unseen to gallery visitors, and the process can be as involved and complicated as creating the art itself.

“The space between a failure and a success is often pretty miniscule,” said Amirkhani. “Putting up

a successful show is an intensely collaborative process that demands a range of skills and technical knowledge, but I think the most important aspect of curating a show is the ability to react to a variety of challenges that you are never going to be prepared for.”

She continued, “There’s no formula, but there is a sense that the exhibition has to respond to the idiosyncrasies of the work. At the end of the day, Apothecary is just a small white room with a concrete floor, which means there are an infinite number of curatorial possibilities to achieve and that every artist or group that Apothecary has hosted finds a new way to make the space their own.”

With an understanding of the artist’s work, a thoughtful curator can design the space to facilitate reflection and contemplation that a piece of art may require.

“There is a certain kind of authoritarianism in the contemporary gallery space today that points to our culture’s need to be constantly entertained and stimulated,” said Amirkhani.

“When I see people walking around with an audioguide strapped to their ear instead of looking at works of art, I think about what can be done to encourage people to slow down and actually look at something.”

Your Home For The Holidays CHATTANOOGAPULSE.COM • DECEMBER 24, 2015 • THE PULSE • 11

ARTS CALENDAR

A portion of each ticket sold goes to support Ronald McDonald House Charities of Greater Chattanooga

Otter Enrichment

THURSDAY12.24

Now through January 2!

Make Plans!

Meet Santa & Mrs. Claus Gingerbread Cookie Decorating Sugar Plum Fairy Makeovers Live North Pole Lodge Entertainment Inara the Ice Queen & Jack Frost The Magical Dancing Forest Award-Winning Lighting Extravaganza with Breathtaking Holiday Scenes

A Magical Adventure for the Whole Family Nightly at Rock City • 6pm-9pm atop Lookout Mountain!

Open Christmas Night (Closed Christmas Eve Night)

For more info call:

706.820.2531 1400 Patten Road, Lookout Mountain, GA 30750

Penguin Keeper Talks 10:30 a.m.

Tennessee Aquarium 1 Broad St. (423) 265-0695 tennesseeaquarium.org Divers in Secret Reef Exhibit in Ocean Journey 11 a.m.

Tennessee Aquarium 1 Broad St. (423) 265-0695 tennesseeaquarium.org Ice on the Landing 11 a.m.

100 Riverfront Pkwy.

(423) 535-0529 iceonthelanding.com Alligator Program Noon Tennessee Aquarium 1 Broad St. (423) 265-0695 tennesseeaquarium.org Otter Enrichment 1:30 p.m.

Tennessee Aquarium 1 Broad St. (423) 265-0695 tennesseeaquarium.org “The Polar Express 3D” 2, 5 p.m.

Tennessee Aquarium 1 Broad St. (423) 265-0695 tennesseeaquarium.org Divers in Lake Nickajack Exhibit in River Journey 2:30 p.m.

Tennessee Aquarium 1 Broad St.

12 • THE PULSE • DECEMBER 24, 2015 • CHATTANOOGAPULSE.COM

(423) 265-0695 tennesseeaquarium.org Swamped with Turtles 3:30 p.m.

Tennessee Aquarium 1 Broad St. (423) 265-0695 tennesseeaquarium.org

FRIDAY12.25 Christmas Brunch on the Bluff 11 a.m.

Bluff View Art District 411 E. 2nd St. 423-265-5033 x4 bluffviewartdistrict.com Christmas Day Dinner 11 a.m.

The Chattanoogan Hotel 1201 S. Broad St. (423) 424-3700 chattanooganhotel.com

PULSE PICK: ICE ON THE LANDING It's “Downton Abbey Night” at Ice on the Landing. Have your photo taken with some of your favorite cutout characters from this series, celebrating its final season.

Ice on the Landing Sunday, 5 p.m.

100 Riverfront Pkwy.

(423) 535-0529 iceonthelanding.com

Ice on the Landing 4 p.m.

100 Riverfront Pkwy.

(423) 535-0529 iceonthelanding.com

SATURDAY12.26 Brainerd Farmers Market 10 a.m.

Grace Episcopal Church 20 Belvoir Ave. (423) 698-0330 saygrace.net Meet the Macaws 11 a.m.

Tennessee Aquarium 1 Broad St. (423) 265-0695 tennesseeaquarium.org North Pole Limited 11:30 a.m., 1:30, 3:30, 5:30, 7:30 p.m.

Tennessee Valley Railroad 4119 Cromwell Rd. (423) 894-8028 tvrail.com Screen Printing Saturday Noon Downtown Library 1001 Broad St. (423) 757-5310 chattlibrary.org “Jerusalem 3D” Noon, 2:30, 4, 6 p.m.

Tennessee Aquarium 1 Broad St. (423) 265-0695 tennesseeaquarium.org “Humpback Whales 3D” 1, 3, 5, 7 p.m.

Tennessee Aquarium 1 Broad St. (423) 265-0695 tennesseeaquarium.org Zine Makers Workshop 1:30 p.m.

Downtown Library 1001 Broad St. (423) 757-5310 chattlibrary.org Corey Forrester 7:30 p.m.

The Comedy Catch at the Chattanooga Choo Choo 1400 Market St. thecomedycatch.com

SUNDAY12.27 “Jerusalem 3D” Noon, 2, 4 p.m.

Tennessee Aquarium 1 Broad St. (423) 265-0695 “Humpback Whales 3D”

ARTS CALENDAR

North Pole Limited 1, 3, 5 p.m.

Tennessee Aquarium 1 Broad St. (423) 265-0695 tennesseeaquarium.org Backstage Pass Ocean Journey 2:30 pm Tennessee Aquarium 1 Broad St. (423) 265-0695 tennesseeaquarium.org Downton Abbey Night 5 p.m.

Ice on the Landing 100 Riverfront Pkwy.

(423) 535-0529 iceonthelanding.com Corey Forrester 7:30 p.m.

The Comedy Catch at the Chattanooga Choo Choo 1400 Market St. thecomedycatch.com

MONDAY12.28 “Jerusalem 3D” Noon, 2, 4 p.m.

Tennessee Aquarium 1 Broad St. (423) 265-0695 tennesseeaquarium.org “Humpback Whales 3D” 1, 3, 5 p.m.

Tennessee Aquarium 1 Broad St. (423) 265-0695 tennesseeaquarium.org Winter Wildlife Cruise: Eagle Eyes 2 p.m.

River Gorge Explorer

201 Riverfront Pkwy. community.tnaqua.org Vintage Swing Dance 7 p.m.

Clear Spring Yoga 17 N. Market St. (931) 982-1678 clearspringyoga.com

TUESDAY12.29 “Jerusalem 3D” Noon, 2, 4 p.m.

Tennessee Aquarium 1 Broad St. (423) 265-0695 tennesseeaquarium.org “Humpback Whales 3D” 1, 3, 5 p.m.

Tennessee Aquarium 1 Broad St. (423) 265-0695 tennesseeaquarium.org Tropical Cove Bird Program 2:30 p.m.

Tennessee Aquarium 1 Broad St. (423) 265-0695 tennesseeaquarium.org Beginning Readers Book Club 4 p.m.

Northgate Library 278 Northgate Mall Dr. (423) 870-0635 chattlibrary.org

WEDNESDAY12.30 Ruby Falls Discovery Day 87th Anniversary 8 a.m.

Ruby Falls

1720 Scenic Hwy. (423) 821-2544 rubyfalls.com Middle East Dance 10:30 a.m.

Jewish Cultural Center 5461 N. Terrace (423) 493-0270 jewishchattanooga.com “Jerusalem 3D” Noon, 2, 4 p.m.

Tennessee Aquarium 1 Broad St. (423) 265-0695 tennesseeaquarium.org “Humpback Whales 3D” 1, 3, 5 p.m.

Tennessee Aquarium 1 Broad St. (423) 265-0695 tennesseeaquarium.org Main Street Farmers Market 4 p.m.

325 E. Main St. mainstfarmersmarket.com Wednesday Night Chess Club 6 p.m.

Downtown Public Library 1001 Broad St. (423) 757-5310

ONGOING Holidays Under the Peaks Tennessee Aquarium 1 Broad St. (423) 265-0695 tennesseeaquarium.org Ruby Falls’ Christmas Underground Ruby Falls 1720 Scenic Hwy. (423) 821-2544

rubyfalls.com Winter Wonders Creative Discovery Museum 321 Chestnut St. (423) 756-2738 cdmfun.org “Fall Color and Action” The Gallery at Blackwell 71 Eastgate Loop (423) 344-5643 “Seeking the Spiritual: The Visionary Art of Elliot Dangerfield” The Hunter Museum of American Art 10 Bluff View Ave. (423) 267-0968 huntermuseum.org “Home for the Holidays” In-Town Gallery 26A Frazier Ave. (423) 267-9214 intowngallery.com “Works by Jody Harvey, Judith Paul, Emily Shane” River Gallery 400 E. 2nd St. (423) 265-5033, ext. 5 river-agllery.com “Serpentine Chain Collection” Shuptrine’s 2646 Broad St. (423) 266-4453 alanshuptrine.com “Trees and Skies” Reflections Gallery 6922 Lee Hwy (423) 892-3072 reflectionsgallerytn.com Map these locations on chattanoogapulse.com. Send event listings at least 10 days in advance to: calendar@chattanoogapulse.com

Named “One of the Ten Most Incredible Cave Water falls on Earth” -World Reviewer

423.821.2544 RubyFalls.com

CHATTANOOGAPULSE.COM • DECEMBER 24, 2015 • THE PULSE • 13

COLUMN AIR BAG

The Carry-On Effect We’ve had cars for 120 years. They’ve kind of changed things We can look around us anywhere, on any day, and literally see the effects cars have had on, well, DAVID TRAVER everything. The ADOLPHUS existence of suburbs, paved roads, shopping malls, chestnut blight and rural electrification are related to the automobile. But this New Year’s season, we’re going to think of what we don’t see.

There was a lot to be said for the horse-and-buggy era. I live in a town of about 15,000 people; about 20 miles south is a town of about 8,000 people.

At the turn of the century (as in 19th to 20th, when their populations were about 7,500 and 5,000 respectively), there was a rail line connecting the two.

It carried 12 million passengers a year. The automobile took both the rail line and the mill jobs that employed their passengers. It even pulled up the tracks themselves and sent them to Chicago and Detroit to be melted down. Like mill towns everywhere in America, we never recov-

Market Street, 1907

ered.

A horse-drawn infrastructure required not only that people were close together, but that horses were fed and cleaned up after. “Street sweeper” used to be a job description, not a noun, and it wasn’t a nice job, either.

Horses required huge amounts of organic material moving in and out of everywhere, and horses were all there were.

An electric trolley might have had a few main routes and there was a train station downtown, but everything else moved by horse—buses and trolleys, fire equipment and every single thing needed for living, working and manufacturing. It wasn’t only messy, it was

“An electric trolley might have had a few main routes and there was a train station downtown, but everything else moved by horse.” hugely dangerous. Both my wife and I have ancestors whose cause of death was “kicked in the head by a horse,” and she’s got a “steam boiler explosion” in there somewhere, too. Even the best horses could spook, maybe when a chicken flew into its head.

“Run down by team of horses” happened…a lot.

With the horse came an amazing support structure. Stables were everywhere—all those carriage houses used to hold carriages. What open land wasn’t being used to feed people was growing hay. Cows weren’t being fed corn and ethanol didn’t exist, nor did megafarms. A stream of organic material went in and out of population cen-

ters, all in service of horses. All of that, good and bad, is gone.

Any town on the East Coast with a decent stream of water had some sort of industry; the better the water and the closer the resources, the more industry it had. Chattanooga, of course, had iron works, and was the nation’s second-largest producer of steam boilers. But it didn’t really matter how big a town was; it was the water and the power it made possible that was important.

Life working in those factories and mills was no picnic, especially for the children they employed, but the car didn’t make it any better, and who knows how many thousands of those buildings stand virtually as they were the day they closed.

Think about what’s outside your window right now. If you’re in the suburbs, you would have seen either croplands, industry or forest. In the city, the streets, you’d find filth. Well, filth, huge dangerous animals, trolley tracks and urchins.

The automobile changed literally everything, not just how we live our lives, but the way our entire world looks. It’s worth not taking for granted.

David Traver Adolphus is a freelance automotive researcher who recently quit his full time job writing about old cars to pursue his lifelong dream of writing about old AND new cars. He welcomes the inevitable and probably richly deserved kvetching about Airbag and anything else on Twitter as @proscriptus.

LAUGH IN THE NEW YEAR WITH US!  Chattanooga’s Premier Comedy Club 1400 Market Street Chattanooga, TN Tickets: (423) 629-2233 thecomedycatch.com



TWO SHOWS ON NEW YEAR’S EVE: AN EARLY SHOW AT 7:30PM AND THE MIDNIGHT PARTY SHOW AT 10PM, WHICH INCLUDES HATS, HORNS, A SPLIT OF CHAMPAGNE, DJ RAW AND DANCING TIL THE MORNING. MAKE RESERVATIONS NOW!

14 • THE PULSE • DECEMBER 24, 2015 • CHATTANOOGAPULSE.COM

CHATTANOOGA'S WEEKLY ALTERNATIVE

New Year's Eve Guide

THE PULSE • NEW YEAR'S EVE GUIDE • DECEMBER 24, 2015 • CHATTANOOGAPULSE.COM • 15

The Pulse 2016 New Year's Eve Guide New Year’s Eve Dinner at Broad Street Grille Dec. 31, 7 p.m. – 1 a.m.

Ringing in 2016 with a gourmet dinner, live entertainment by Love, Peace and Happiness, a champagne station and a champagne toast at midnight. Reservations are strongly encouraged.

1201 Broad St. (423) 424-3700 chattanooganhotel.com New Year's Eve Blowout at Raw Dance Club Dec. 31, 4 p.m. – 1 a.m.

Party in the new year with two great events: music with the Matt Stephens Band downstairs and DJ X'Phakder & DJ "O" spinning the latest dance tunes upstairs.

409 Market St. (423) 756-1919 rawbarandgrillchatt.com New Year’s Eve “Late Skate” at Ice on the Landing Outdoor Skating Rink Dec. 31, 11 p.m. – 1 a.m.

Ice on the Landing will be offering special reserved tickets for a special “late skate.” Skaters will receive 2015 lighted eyeglasses, free souvenir photos from a photo booth and a 16 • THE PULSE • DECEMBER 24, 2015 • NEW YEAR'S EVE GUIDE • CHATTANOOGAPULSE.COM

sparkling cider toast and cupcake at midnight. Special ticket cost & only 125 tickets will be sold.

100 Riverfront Pkwy.

(423) 265-0771 iceonthelanding.com NYE Bash with Danimal Planet and Hank & Cupcakes Dec. 31, 9 p.m. – 3 a.m.

Ring it in with style with Danimal Planet and Hank & Cupcakes at the Honest Pint.

35 Patten Pkwy.

(423) 468-4192 thehonestpint.com Creative Discovery Museum’s New Year’s at Noon Dec. 31, 10 a.m. –4 p.m.

Create noise makers to use in the parade, enjoy live music and toast the New Year at Noon with apple juice.

321 Chestnut St. (423) 756-2738 cdmfun.org Southern Belle Riverboat’s New Year’s Eve Dinner Cruise Dec. 31, 4 – 6 p.m.

After a dinner of prime rib, enjoy live entertainment, dancing, toasts and more.

201 Riverfront Pkwy.

(423) 266-4488 chattanoogariverboat.com Rockin’ NYE with The Beaters Dec. 31, 4 p.m. - 1 a.m. Dance the night away to the rockin’ sounds of the 60s, 70s, and 80s with Chattanooga’s favorite party band, The Beaters, at the Chattanooga Choo Choo.

1400 Market St. (423) 266-5000 choochoo.com Ring in the New Year with the Velcro Pygmies Dec. 31, 8 p.m. – 1 a.m.

Celebrate 2016 with classic rock hits at The Revelry Room.

41 E. 14th St. (423) 521-2929 revelryroom.co

Chill into 2016 at The Big Chill Dec. 31, 8 p.m. – 3 a.m.

One of the most happening places to be. Table for 4, $65, table for 6, $100, includes bottle of champagne and party favors.

103 Cherokee Blvd.

(423) 267-2445 bigchillandgrill.com Southern Belle Riverboat’s New Year’s on the River Cruise Dec. 31, 9 p.m.-1 a.m.

Ring in the New Year with great food, live entertainment, dancing, toasts and more.

201 Riverfront Pkwy.

(423) 266-4488 chattanoogariverboat.com PartyPartyParty at Images Come dance the night away with some of Chattanooga's most

colorful entertainers. Definitely a night (and new year) to remember.

6005 Lee Hwy. (423) 855-8210 mirage-complex.com New Year’s Eve Party on the Bluff Dec. 31, 9 p.m. – 1 a.m.

Gather your friends for a special night of food, music, dancing and the best views in Chattanooga at the Hunter Museum of American Art. 10 Bluff View Ave. (423) 267-0968 huntermuseum.org Tennessee Valley Railroad’s New Year’s Dinner Train Dec. 31, 8 - 10 p.m.

The trip includes a three-course dining experience on board a restored 1924 dining car. No alcohol allowed on trains. Departs

from Grand Junction Station.

4119 Cromwell Rd. (423) 894-8028 tvrail.com New Year’s Eve Everlasting Party with Here Come the Mummies Dec. 31, 9 p.m. –1 a.m.

Energetic funk band Here Come The Mummies is ready to rock the house at Track 29. 18 or older.

1400 Market St. (423) 521-2929 track29.co New Year’s at JJ’s Dec. 31, 10 p.m. – 3 a.m.

Rock 2015 out and 2016 in at one of the town’s favorite dives with Canopy and Superbody.

231 E. MLK Blvd.

(423) 266-1400 jjsbohemia.com

C E L E B R AT E N E W Y E A R ’ S E V E W I T H U S .

YO U C A N E V E N S L E E P O V E R I F YO U WA N T.

Kick things off at 7pm with College Football Playoff in the sports lounge. At 8pm, indulge in a tantalizing buffet dinner in the ballroom. Keep things going into the night with dancing and celebration to the sounds of Love, Peace and Happiness. Then join us for a celebratory midnight champagne toast to ring in the new year.

$130 PER COUPLE . RESERVATIONS ARE REQUIRED. OVERNIGHT HOTEL PARTY PACKAGES AVAILABLE .

1201 Broad Street • Chattanooga, TN 37402 • 423.756.3400 • chattanooganhotel.com

THE PULSE • NEW YEAR'S EVE GUIDE • DECEMBER 24, 2015 • CHATTANOOGAPULSE.COM • 17

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18 • THE PULSE • DECEMBER 24, 2015 • NEW YEAR'S EVE GUIDE • CHATTANOOGAPULSE.COM

DOWNTOWN 4th & Broad Street (423) 266-LUPI EAST BRAINERD 1414 Jenkins Road (423) 855-4104 CLEVELAND 2382 N. Ocoee St. (423) 476-9464

HIXSON 5504 Hixson Pike (423) 847-3700 OOLTEWAH Cambridge Square (423) 602-7499

LU P I .CO M

FOOD & DRINK MIXOLOGY

Here We Come A-Wassailing How to drink the holidays like a native—of somewhere else Wassail is a hot mulled cider that remains the favorite holiday beverage in England. ‘Wassailing’ is an Anglo-Saxon word meaning ‘be in good health.’”

The December holiday season is celebrated in most countries around the world.

Though the languages are different and the festivities have a cultural spin unique to their countries, the spirits still flow.

Traditional beverages are comforting and familiar, making the season merry and bright for those who can’t be at home or who want to remember the past and pass on these recipes to others. For Americans, Christmas in a foreign country may be something few will experience, but that doesn’t mean we can’t toast like the natives do with a few simple recipes.

Wassail is a hot mulled cider that re-

mains the favorite holiday beverage in England. “Wassailing” is an Anglo-Saxon word meaning “be in good health.” Traditionally, it involves going door to door singing Christmas carols.

While the exact origins of the practice are not known and it is a rare practice today, in general it is like the American holiday of Halloween. The carolers ask for “figgy pudding” and “good cheer” (food and wine) and they “won’t go until they get some!”

The beverage served to the carolers became known as Wassail. In Scandinavian countries—Norway, Finland, Sweden,

Denmark—a similar recipe of mulled cider is known as “glogg” is served.

The Christmas punch from Mexico, Ponche Navideno, is often sold by street vendors during the holiday season. The combination of flavors varies from recipe to recipe, but always includes sugar cane, apples, pears, citrus and dried fruits, including the native tejocotes.

Adult versions add tequila or rum, packing a punch to both warm your stomach and possibly make you settle in for a long winter’s nap.

In the warmer climates, cold holiday drinks are the norm. In Chile, natives ask for a Cola de Mono or “monkey’s tail.”

Similar to eggnog in texture, the drink is served over ice and is a combination of milk, coffee, vanilla bean, cinnamon, nutmeg and cloves.

The local alcohol is aguardiente, but you can substitute rum or brandy as you prefer.

On the tropical beaches of Jamaica, locals sip sorrel punch, which features sorrel or the petals of a type of hibiscus flower (not the bitter, green American plant). Combined with sugar, fresh ginger, lime juice and rum, this beverage is light and refreshing and a treat all on its own.

And finally, in Puerto Rico, you will find perhaps the richest of all the holiday beverages (with the possible exception of the Canadian and American eggnogs): the Coquito. This local “eggnog” has spiced rum, vanilla, warming spices (like cinnamon and nutmeg), and—here’s where the calories kick in—both condensed milk and coconut milk. Served chilled it is a satisfying tropical end to any meal.

Enjoy and happy holidays!

Coquito (Puerto Rican Eggnog) (courtesy of food.com) • 2 cans coconut cream • 1 can sweetened condensed milk • 1 can evaporated milk • 1 teaspoon vanilla extract • 1/2 cup rum • 1 tablespoon ground cinnamon • 1 tablespoon ground nutmeg Blend ingredients in blender for five minutes, refrigerate, then serve cold.

Serves 4-6 people.

— Stephanie Smith

DAILY WINE TASTINGS 20 BEERS ON TAP COMPETITIVE PRICES UNRIVALED SERVICE PROVISIONS & GIFTS 1616 BROAD STREET | CHATTANOOGA |37408 423.777.4820 MON - THURS 10a - 10p FRI - SAT 10a - 10p CHATTANOOGAPULSE.COM • DECEMBER 24, 2015 • THE PULSE • 19

MUSIC SCENE

The Philosopher Who Makes Music Trey Forbes can’t be confined to one genre on new Blue Shades album The Molly Maguires

A Very Pubby Christmas Continue to celebrate the season with the Molly Maguires For 10 years, local favorites The Molly Maguires have been entertaining Chattanooga. With their Celtic folk sound, the group covers the Irish classics and more. The group plays only about 30 shows a year, but their Christmas show is a highlight.

Historically Irish music has been as much a part of America’s music scene as country and rock and has grown out of the music of not only Ireland, but also Scotland and England. In fact, current Irish folk is often fused with rock-and-roll and other genres, which it makes it popular with a wide diverse audience.

The Molly Maguires concerts have always been well attended and well supported by the Chattanooga music community. The Molly Maguires feature musicians well known to the

Chattanooga Irish folk scene: Marc Michael, guitar, vocals, bodhran, whistle; Julie Kunesh, vocals, bodhran, bones, percussion; Jon Wimpee, guitar, vocals; and Casey Phillips, violin, banjo.

Featured guests for the Christmas show will include frequent collaborators Meg Greene and Megan Ariel Clark.

The Honest Pint is the perfect pub to enjoy the band while sipping a Guinness or Jameson’s.

— Stephanie Smith The Molly Maguires: Molly Christmas Sunday, Dec. 27 7:30 p.m.

The Honest Pint 35 Patten Parkway thehonestpint.com

THU12.24

FRI12.25

SAT12.26

BLUES CHRISTMAS

GREEN CHRISTMAS

GET THE SLEAZE

Rick Rushing with Dakari & Friends

Jacob Green

Thelma and The Sleaze

Get ready for Santa with an evening of blues and holiday cheer.

6 p.m.

Bluewater Grille 224 Broad St. bluewaterchattanooga.com

Coming all the way down from Milwaukee for a Chattanooga Christmas show 9 p.m.

The Office @ City Cafe 901 Carter St. citycafemenu.com

Nashville-based power trio with an old-school Thin Lizzy type of vibe.

10 p.m.

JJ's Bohemia 231 E. MLK Blvd. jjsbohemia.com

20 • THE PULSE • DECEMBER 24, 2015 • CHATTANOOGAPULSE.COM

T

REY FORBES IS AN INTERESTING FELLOW. PART musician, part philosopher; in a career that has so far spanned 34 years, Trey has written and recorded five albums and created a small library of musings on life, the universe and everything. He isn’t interested in money, only in spreading the tenets of love and collective spirituality. To that end he makes all of his music (and written thoughts) available free of charge through his website, treyforbes.com.

Music MARC T. MICHAEL

“

Blue Shades is a fine example of that diversity, encompassing folk, country, rock-n-roll, psychedelia, and new wave.”

His music might be broadly defined as “adult contemporary,” keeping in mind that a lot of ground is covered within the genre and within Trey’s work. The album he sent for review, Blue Shades , is a fine example of that diversity, encompassing folk, country, rock-n-roll, psychedelia, and new wave.

There’s quite a bit of excellent guitar work, a portion of which is handled by Trey himself, while contributing artists Tom Cramer and Bob Chuckrow provide the rest.

The f irst track, “It’s True,” has the unmistakable flavor of James Taylor, both lyrically and vocally, with perhaps a dash of John Denver added to the mix. This is immediately followed by “Edge Walker,” a song that could be country/western or it could be “dark” folk with its broody minor sound and unaffected vocals.

If it didn’t have such a nice bounce to it, it could easily be one of Marty Robbins’ murder ballads, although in this case the subject matter is about “walkin’ the line between feelin’ good and lookin’ fine.”

Not going to say much about “Black Haired Love” except that the

Where To Get Out Of The House, Post-Christmas

“There’s quite a bit of excellent guitar work, a portion of which is handled

by Trey himself, while contributing artists Tom Cramer and Bob Chuckrow provide the rest.”

Hank & Cupcakes

descending chord pattern is downright Robyn Hitchcock. “A Measure of Love,” whether intentional or not, has a great deal in common with a few British Isle folk songs I happen to like very much.

Arpeggiated and rapidly changing chords make it a fun listen. There’s even a basic similarity to Tom Lehrer’s “The Irish Ballad” (rickety-tickety-tin.)

“Coffee Shop Girl” is a lovely paean to small-town life and pure Americana. A genuinely dreamy little tune, it isn’t hard to imagine that Jerry Garcia and David Grisman would have covered it. “The Language in Your Mind” shifts gears signif icantly, heading in the direction of harder-edged, heavily distorted rock.

“Undef ined” is a darker tune, once again driven by arpeggiation and some very atmospheric keyboards. Somewhere between Nick Cave and Metallica, it is one of the more unexpected treats on the album.

“Back Home” is another departure from the larger themes of the album, in that it is practically an industrial tune, replete with “transistorized” vocals, a maniacal rhythmic riff and minimalist lead parts.

“Lonely Like a Fool” and “River of Sadness” take yet another turn, this time into early R.E.M. territory. “Distant Kiss” caps off the album and reminds me of nothing so much as the early ’90s alt scene. It’s a nice finish to an album full of different (but not disparate) themes and influences.

Forbes is currently partnered with guitarist Kent Gill in preparation for some in-town gigs after the

Courtesy treyforbes.com

Christmas season. The duo is planning on a series of smaller, quieter, intimate shows and part of the plan is to use these as a distribution point for free hard copies of all f ive Forbes albums.

As interesting as Forbes’ music is, the extensive philosophical ponderings found on his website are equally interesting and thought-provoking. See them now at treyforbes.com

It’s the end of the year, the holidays are upon us and time is a precious commodity.

That doesn’t mean you won’t be left looking for something to do once the turkey is gone, the presents are opened and Uncle Cletus has given his yearly drunken rant about what’s wrong with everyone, everywhere. In fact, some more forward-thinking types might be looking for something to do before Cletus gets good and wound up. Fear not, there are indeed things to do—fun and interesting things.

On Sunday, Dec. 27, Nick Lutsko will be reprising his version of “Nightmare Before Christmas” from 5 until 7 p.m. at The Honest Pint. This is an all-ages, family-friendly show and parents are encouraged to bring the wee ones. Children 12 and under are admitted free, $4 for teens, $8 for adults. Following the Lutsko show at 7:30 that evening will be the Molly Maguires’ annual Christmas party (see the story to the left on page 20). As always, this will be a free show.

Finally, on December 31, join Danimal Planet with Hank & Cupcakes at the Pint in their end-of-year blowout, hosted by Jolly Walrus. Danimal Planet is one of the most highly regarded local acts today and Hank & Cupcakes have been called “a simply amazing duo” by Danimal Pinson himself. Advance tickets are available now for $12, $15 at the door and special VIP tables for four available with champagne service for $75.

For more information, visit thehonestpint. com.

— MTM

CHATTANOOGAPULSE.COM • DECEMBER 24, 2015 • THE PULSE • 21

MUSIC CALENDAR

Dave Rawlings Machine

THURSDAY12.24 Rick Rushing with Dakari & Friends 6 p.m.

Bluewater Grille 224 Broad St. bluewaterchattanooga.com Jimmy Harris 7 p.m.

The Coconut Room 6925 Shallowford Rd. thepalmsathamilton.com Open Mic Night with Hap Henninger 9 p.m.

The Office @ City Cafe 901 Carter St. citycafemenu.com

FRIDAY12.25 Richard Stretton 5:30 pm Rock City 1400 Patten Rd. seerockcity.com Mike Harris & Friends 6:30 pm Rock City 1400 Patten Rd. seerockcity.com Logan Murrell 8:30 p.m.

The Foundry 1201 Broad St. chattanooganhotel.com Danny Fingers and Thumbs 9 p.m.

JJ's Bohemia 231 E. MLK Blvd. jjsbohemia.com

Jacob Green 9 p.m.

The Office @ City Cafe 901 Carter St. citycafemenu.com

SATURDAY12.26 Eddie Pontiac 5:30 p.m.

El Meson 2204 Hamilton Place Blvd. elmesonrestaurant.com Richard Stretton 5:30 pm Rock City 1400 Patten Rd. seerockcity.com Binji Varsossa 6 p.m.

Cancun Mexican Restaurant & Lounge 1809 Broad St.

PULSE PICK: SHESHE DANCE Before she heads off to New York, join one of Chattanooga's most dynamic musical theater actresses, powerhouse vocalists and everybody's friend, SheShe Dance.

SheShe Dance Saturday, 6 p.m.

Jazzanooga Arts Space 431 E. MLK Blvd. jazzanooga.org

22 • THE PULSE • DECEMBER 24, 2015 • CHATTANOOGAPULSE.COM

(423) 266-1461 Robert Crabtree Jazz Trio 6:30 pm Rock City 1400 Patten Rd. seerockcity.com Tim Lewis 7 p.m.

El Meson 248 Northgate Park elmesonchattanooga.com Jimmy Harris 7 p.m.

The Coconut Room 6925 Shallowford Rd. thepalmsathamilton.com The Hopeful Country Band 7 p.m.

Motley's 320 Emberson Dr. Ringgold, GA Dave Rawlings Machine 8 p.m.

Tivoli Theatre

709 Broad St. chattanoogasymphony.org Colonel Bruce Hampton 8 p.m.

Barking Legs 1307 Dodds Ave. barkinglegs.org Blake Morrison 8 p.m.

Ziggy's Underground 607 Cherokee Blvd. ziggysbarandgrill.net Logan Murrell 8:30 p.m.

The Foundry 1201 Broad St. chattanooganhotel.com EmiSunshine 9 p.m.

Puckett’s Chattanooga 2 W. Aquarium Way #110 puckettsgro.com Backup Planet 9 p.m.

Revelry Room 1400 Market St. choochoo.com Jimmy Allgood 9 p.m.

Memories 607 Tunnel Blvd.

(423) 698-1006 Thelma and The Sleaze 10 p.m.

JJ's Bohemia 231 E. MLK Blvd. jjsbohemia.com Chris Moree & Bethany Kidd 10 p.m.

The Office @ City Cafe 901 Carter St. citycafemenu.com Sullivan Band 10 p.m.

Bud’s Sports Bar 5751 Brainerd Rd. budssportsbar.com

SUNDAY12.27 Kathy Veazey and John Ralston 11 a.m.

The Flying Squirrel 55 Johnson St. flyingsquirrelbar.com Mountain Creek House Fire 1:30 p.m.

The Flying Squirrel 55 Johnson St. flyingsquirrelbar.com “On A Winter’s Night” with Jim Brickman 3 p.m.

Tivoli Theatre 709 Broad St. chattanoogasymphony.org Family Night in Christmas Town

MUSIC CALENDAR

The Main Squeeze 5 p.m.

The Honest Pint 35 Patten Pkwy. thehonestpint.com Open Mic with Jeff Daniels 6 p.m.

Long Haul Saloon 2536 Cummings Hwy. (423) 822-9775 SheShe Dance 6 p.m.

Jazzanooga Arts Space 431 E. MLK Blvd. jazzanooga.org Butch Ross Mountain Dulcimer 6:30 p.m.

Rock City 1400 Patten Rd. seerockcity.com The Molly Maguires: Molly Christmas 7:30 p.m.

The Honest Pint 35 Patten Pkwy. thehonestpint.com New Madrid, Behold the Brave 9 p.m.

Revelry Room 1400 Market St. revelryroom.co

MONDAY12.28 Butch Ross Mountain Dulcimer 6:30 p.m.

Rock City 1400 Patten Rd. seerockcity.com Monday Nite Big Band 7 p.m.

The Coconut Room

6925 Shallowford Rd. thepalmsathamilton.com Very Open Mic 8 p.m.

The Well 1800 Rossville Blvd. #8 wellonthesouthside.com

TUESDAY12.29 Bill McCallie & In Cahoots 6:30 p.m.

Southern Belle Riverboat 201 Riverfront Pkwy. chattanoogariverboat.com Butch Ross Mountain Dulcimer 6:30 p.m.

Rock City 1400 Patten Rd. seerockcity.com Open Mic with Mike McDade 8 p.m.

Tremont Tavern 1203 Hixson Pike tremonttavern.com Heavy Metal Bingo 8 p.m.

JJ’S Bohemia 231 E. MLK Blvd. jjsbohemia.com

WEDNESDAY12.30 Eddie Pontiac 5:30 p.m.

El Meson 248 Northgate Park elmesonrestaurant.com No Big Deal 6 p.m.

Springhill Suites

495 Riverfront Pkwy.

(423) 834-9300 Butch Ross Mountain Dulcimer 6:30 pm Rock City 1400 Patten Rd. seerockcity.com Jimmy Harris 7 p.m.

The Coconut Room 6925 Shallowford Rd. thepalmsathamilton.com Wednesday Night Jazz: Ogya 8 p.m.

Barking Legs Theater 1307 Dodds Ave. barkinglegs.org Rosedale Remedy 8 p.m.

The Palms Lounge 6925 Shallowford Rd. thepalmsathamilton.com Blues Night 8 p.m.

The Office @ City Cafe 901 Carter St. citycafemenu.com Open Mic Comedy 8 p.m.

JJ’S Bohemia 231 E. MLK Blvd. jjsbohemia.com The Main Squeeze 9 p.m.

Revelry Room 1400 Market St. revelryroom.co

THURSDAY12.31 James Crumble Trio 6 p.m

St. John's Meeting Place 1278 Market St. stjohnsmeetingplace.com The Velcro Pygmies 8 p.m The Revelry Room 41 E. 14th St. (423) 521-2929 revelryroom.co Danimal Planet, Hank & Cupcakes 9 p.m The Honest Pint 35 Patten Pkwy.

(423) 468-4192 thehonestpint.com Here Come the Mummies 9 p.m Track 29 1400 Market St. (423) 521-2929 track29.co Matt Stephens Band 10 p.m.

Raw Dance Club 409 Market St. (423) 756-1919 rawbarandgrillchatt.com Rockin’ NYE with The Beaters 10 p.m The Chattanooga Choo Choo 1400 Market St. (423) 266-5000 choochoo.com Canopy, Superbody 10 p.m JJ's Bohemia 231 E. MLK Blvd. jjsbohemia.com Map these locations on chattanoogapulse.com. Send event listings at least 10 days in advance to: calendar@chattanoogapulse.com

901 Carter St. Inside City Café (423) 634-9191

Thursday, December 24: 9pm Open Mic with Hap Henninger Friday, December 25: 9pm Jacob Green (Milwaukee, WI) Saturday, December 26: 10pm Chris Moore & Bethany Kidd Tuesday, December 29: 7pm Server/Hotel Appreciation Night $5 Pitchers • $2 Wells ! • $1.50 Domestics

Wednesday, December 31: 10pm She She Dance!

#1 Desserts!

Voted “Best of the Best” 901 Carter Street

citycafemenu.com/the-office

DON’T CHANCE IT YOUR NEXT DRINK COULD BE YOUR LAST STAY ALIVE DON’T DRINK & DRIVE

CHATTANOOGAPULSE.COM • DECEMBER 24, 2015 • THE PULSE • 23

RECORD REVIEWS PATRICK FILBIN

Ben Strawn Blazes Through, Sour Lemonade Gets Diverse Two locals release new music definitely worthy of attention

Ben Strawn Bridges to Burn benstrawn.bandcamp.com

T

here’s something romantic about fire…something intriguing and dangerous. It’s freedom in form, sporadic in direction and wild in shape. An element that is synonymous with destruction and warmth.

In Ben Strawn’s debut release, Bridges to Burn, the singer-songwriter makes the connection between fire and love, desire and a blaze, a burning wish for honesty and companionship. In the title track he

Sour Lemonade Knocking on the Floor sourlemonade.bandcamp.com

sings, “I’ve written about fire, ones that start and are ablaze.

And how I’m still in a daze that I don’t have you.”

Inspired by Noah Gunderson’s own “Fire,” Strawn lays the metaphors on thick throughout his very impressive first release.

From the opening piano ballad “You and Me” to the closing “Don’t Say Goodbye,” Strawn writes and sings from a very grown-up place; a place of angst

and ambition. In these songs, he’s coming from a place where he’s old enough to understand how good love feels and young enough to want more.

In “Firestarter,” the album’s highlight, he sings, “Every song these days is about all the things that a man can do to start a love that never lasts.” He’s after something that a flame can’t put out.

Throughout the EP there are honest—and clear—signs of someone’s first release. They say you have your whole life to write your first one and a year or two to write your second.

Strawn seems to have taken advantage of this as he sings about his dreams becoming realities, his love becoming meaningful and life becoming more adventurous.

“I’ve got a dollar and a dream to make reality a thing that isn’t far within my reach,” he sings in “Ablaze.” “I’m even one parent down, I’ve got some things

to frown upon but it ain’t stopping me.”

Produced, mixed and mastered by Brett Nolan at Soundry Studio, Chattanooga. Executive produced by Eric Parker.

O

pening up Knocking on the Floor, local act Sour Lemonade’s second full-length album, is a 10-minute alternative-rock burner full of a mixture of drum loops and guitar solos, a combination hard to pull off but done here very well.

The lyrics are simple and reserved: “I ever did you wrong, I never heard your song, you sang it all night long, But I never sang along,” so the musicianship is what pulls you in.

It’s a very intriguing start to an otherwise interesting release from the Chattanooga native, who according to his Bandcamp page, spent a full year writing and recording Knocking on the Floor.

After one full listen, it’s easy

to realize that Sour Lemonade is good at being diverse. He can write simple pop songs, like the standout “Take the Day Off,” an ode to Jack Johnson by way of the Commodores.

After a slow, contemplating “What Should I Write Today,” the album takes a very Green Day turn, as the singer is full of angst, anger and contempt in a song about a no-good-family-spoiling stepfather, and in “Real World,” our narrator is fed up with the world he’s stuck in with another fast-paced rocker.

Throughout the album, the lyrics tend to slip into clichés, though the album is ambitiously self-produced—but what I was impressed with most are the different styles Sour Lemonade dips into. Smack dab in the middle of the record is a fiery instrumental called “Good Enough,” which might have the best playing on any song.

The album slows down at the right times and picks back up at surprising ones. It’s bookended by another long tune, this time in a very self-aware song about ending something, whether it is an album, a show or a time in life. “I shouldn’t end our time on a sad song, no performance should leave off that way. And it’s trite, you know, to end a show that way.”

Chattanooga’s Greatest Hits brewer media everywhere. every day.

24 • THE PULSE • DECEMBER 24, 2015 • CHATTANOOGAPULSE.COM

Diversions

Consider This with Dr. Rick

by Rick Pimental-Habib, Ph.D.

“If you’re always trying to be ‘normal,’ you will never know how amazing you can be.” —Maya Angelou I know it’s easier said than done to “just be yourself.” Certainly we’ve all heard that expression from the parental units when we were kids. But when you finally get hold of what “yourself” really means to you, it’s worth staying conscious and vigilant in order to honor that identity at every turn.

I tell folks that staying true to who you are—your wants, needs, dreams, thoughts and feelings—means honoring, and not abandoning, yourself. Ever.

In this emerging world of copious tattoos, unisex dressing, gay/ straight best friends, and attitudes that color way outside the lines of old childhood pressures to conform, it does my heart good to see freedom of expression that doesn’t try to be “normal.”

In fact, marching to the beat of your own drummer is what will, ultimately, let you leave your amazing imprint on society. Just be yourself. Just be.

THE PULSE • NEW YEAR'S EVE GUIDE • DECEMBER 24, 2015 • CHATTANOOGAPULSE.COM • 25

SCREEN SCENE

May The Force Be With You...Again The new “Star Wars” is everything we hoped it might be...and even more Out with the old...

Laser Projection Coming To Town Aquarium's IMAX theater plans major projection upgrade The movie-going experience in Chattanooga will change forever in less than two weeks as the city’s last film projector is decommissioned.

The Tennessee Aquarium IMAX 3D Theater is making a quantum leap from the 70mm film format, and will soon be using state-of-the-art laser projection technology.

Beginning Jan. 4, the theater will be closed for approximately four weeks to remove the current film projector and finish all of the upgrades. When complete, Chattanooga will be home to the only IMAX with Laser system

✴✴✴✴

in the Southeast.

“The first time I saw an IMAX film in laser, I was blown away,” says Corey Cobb, the Aquarium’s chief projectionist. “I’m really excited for people to come to our theater to experience all of the new upgrades we will be making.”

The $1.2 million theater upgrade includes the new IMAX with Laser projection system, new six-story screen and new 12-channel audio system with speakers in the ceiling for the first time.

— Thom Benson

NEW IN THEATERS

The Hateful Eight In Tarantino's latest, set in post-Civil War Wyoming, bounty hunters try to find shelter during a blizzard but get involved in a plot of betrayal and deception. Will they survive?

Director: Quentin Tarantino Stars: Jennifer Jason Leigh, Kurt Russell, Channing Tatum, Samuel L. Jackson

✴✴✴✴

Joy The "awards movie season" arrives with “Joy”, the story of a family across four generations and the woman who rises to become founder and matriarch of a powerful family business dynasty.

Director: David O. Russell Stars: Jennifer Lawrence, Robert De Niro, Bradley Cooper, Édgar Ramírez

26 • THE PULSE • DECEMBER 24, 2015 • CHATTANOOGAPULSE.COM

T

HERE IS NO WAY TO WRITE ABOUT “STAR WARS: THE Force Awakens” with any depth. Due to a marketing blitzkrieg on a scale never before seen, it was nearly impossible for the film to be anything other than a success. Even the prequel films, which most fans mention with a scoff and a headshake, were tremendous moneymakers for Lucasfilm and its subsidiaries, and at the time were well received by fans who were desperate for any return to a galaxy far, far away, no matter how wooden the actors and stilted the dialogue.

Screen JOHN DEVORE

“

‘Star Wars: The Force Awakens’ is damn fine entertainment and easily matches the original films in tone and quality.”

George Lucas captured the imaginations of an entire generation in 1977 with a simple tale of good vs. evil. The accompanying decades of toy sales and comic books and novels and games did an excellent job of maintaining a presence throughout the childhood of pretty much everyone since. “Star Wars” is a zenith of capitalism and cross-platform sales. It is a behemoth amalgamation of nostalgia and disposable income.

But what does this mean for film fans?

Is the newest entry into the “Star Wars” canon, when separated from the flood of commercials and products and television spots, worth anything artistically?

Does that question even matter? As a film critic, I have no idea. What I can say is this: “Star Wars: The Force Awakens” is damn fine entertainment and easily matches the original films in tone and quality. What that means for the “Star Wars” hype machine is anyone’s guess.

The film works for all the reasons the prequel films did not. It is well cast, well directed, beautifully shot, and carefully paced. It is clearly a collaborative effort, rather than a single vision, which allows the film to breathe and soar in places that the previous three films never managed. George Lucas, for all of his imagination, became insulated by his success. He didn’t need to listen

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LOCATEDONLY ONLY MINUTES CONVENIENTLY CONVENIENTLYLOCATED ONLY 2525 25 MINUTES MINUTES CHATTANOOGA FROM FROMDOWNTOWN DOWNTOWNCHATTANOOGA CHATTANOOGA to anyone, because he could easily afford to fail. Disney, on the other hand, is determined to protect their $2 billion investment in order to continue to make the films for the next century and, eventually, control all of the world’s capital.

As such, J.J. Abrams protected the film by essentially remaking “Star Wars: A New Hope.” The film is altogether familiar and new, a perfect melding of fan service and forward vision. Each new character has shades of the old. Rey is the lonely orphan from a desert world while Finn is a worldweary man who has seen too much due to an unsavory occupation.

Han Solo and Chewbacca return, the former stepping into the gap left

by Obi-Wan Kenobi, although he’s a much cooler, less serene mentor for a new age of impressionable children. And the Empire, now known as the First Order, continues to bet the house on giant space lasers.

What really makes the film, however, is the marriage of practical and digital effects. This year has seen a resurgence of practical effects, starting with “Mad Max: Fury Road.” Real costumes, real sets, and real locations give the film the sense of place that was lacking from Episodes I-III. Finally, strange creatures and strange

languages occupy the same space as the heroes, allowing for quality performances. The actors, as I mentioned, are excellent. Lines are well delivered, humor is situational rather than forced, and melodrama is sparse, if not absent entirely. Gone are the whining and the lovesick nonsense. In their place, adventure and excitement return.

Despite the excellence of this film, it’s important to remember that this is just the first step in a complete “Star Wars” overhaul. Disney is committed to releasing a new “Star Wars” film every Christmas for the foreseeable future. “Rogue One: A Star Wars Story” is slated for 2016, with Episode VIII following in 2017. While logic dictates that subsequent films can’t possibly maintain the quality of “Star Wars: The Force Awakens,” Marvel Films, which is also under the Disney umbrella, says otherwise.

“Star Wars: The Force Awakens” is an encouraging first step. The idea of many movies using a multitude of new directors, each with their own style and input on the films, can do nothing but strengthen the franchise as a whole.

But Han Solo would offer a warning to anyone that thinks the franchise is saved from mediocrity: “Don’t get cocky.”

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CHATTANOOGAPULSE.COM • DECEMBER 24, 2015 • THE PULSE • 27 ▪ Access to monthly TOUR-ONLY tournaments** — all monthly tournaments will have a separate Calcutta and cash prizes

COLUMN FREE WILL ASTROLOGY CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): The coming year will be a favorable time for you to nourish a deeper devotion to truth, beauty, and goodness. Anything you do to make your moROB BREZSNY rality more rigorous will generate benefits that ripple through your life for years to come. Curiously, you can add to the propitious effect by also cultivating a deeper devotion to fun, play, and pleasure. There is a symbiotic connection between the part of you that wants to make the world a better place and the part of you that thrives on joy, freedom, and wonder. Here’s the magic formula: Feed your lust for life by being intensely compassionate, and vice versa.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): I predict that 2016 will be your Year of Fruitful Obsessions. In giving this positive spin to the cosmic tendencies, I’m hoping to steer you away from any behavior that might lead to 2016 being your Year of Fruitless Obsessions. One way or another, I think you’ll be driven to express your passions with single-minded intensity.

Focused devotion—sometimes verging on compulsive preoccupation—is likely to be one of your signature qualities. That’s why it’s so important to avoid wasteful infatuations and confounding manias. Please choose fascinations that are really good for you.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): Your symbol of power in 2016 will be the equal sign: =. Visualize it in your mind’s eye every morning for 20 seconds. Tattoo it on your butt. Write it on an index card that you keep under your pillow or on your bathroom mirror. Gestures like these will deliver highly relevant messages to your subconscious mind, like “Create balance and cultivate harmony!” and “Coordinate opposing forces!” and “Wherever there is tension between two extremes, convert the tension into vital energy!” Here are your words of power in 2016: “symbiosis” and “synergy.”

ARIES (March 21-April 19): The raw materials you

have at your disposal in 2016 may sometimes seem limited. You might not have access to all the tools you wish you did. You could be tempted to feel envy about the vaster resources other people can draw on. But I honestly don’t think these apparent inhibitions will put you at a disadvantage. Within your smaller range of options, there will be all the possibilities you need. In fact, the constraints could stimulate your creativity in ways that would have never occurred if you’d had more options.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): You know what physical hygiene is. But are you familiar with imaginal hygiene? Educator Morgan Brent defines it like this: “Imaginal hygiene is the inner art of self-managing the imagination, to defend it from forces that compromise, pollute, colonize, shrink, and sterilize it, and to cultivate those that illuminate, expand, and nourish it.” It’s always important for everyone to attend to this work, but it’s especially crucial for you to focus on it in 2016. You will be exceptionally creative, and therefore likely to generate long-lasting effects and influences out of the raw materials that occupy your imagination.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Your mind sometimes works too hard and fast for your own good. But mostly it’s your best asset. Your versatility can sometimes be a curse, too, but far more often it’s a blessing. Your agile tongue and flexible agenda generate more fun than trouble, and so do your smooth maneuvers and skillful gamesmanship. As wonderful as all these qualities can be, however, I suggest that you work on expanding your scope in 2016. In my astrological opinion, it will be a good time for you to study and embody the magic that the water signs possess. What would that mean exactly? Start this way: Give greater respect to your feelings. Tune in to them more, encourage them to deepen, and figure out how to trust them as sources of wisdom.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): Swedish movie director Ingmar Bergman won three Academy Awards and was nominated for eight others. Numerous filmmakers have cited him as an important influence on their work. His practical success was rooted in his devotion to the imagination. “I am living permanently in my dream, from which I make brief forays into reality,” he said. Can you guess his astrological

Homework: Send me predictions for your life in 2016. Where are you headed? Go to RealAstrology.com; click on “Email Rob.”

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): The English word “ain’t” can mean “am not,” “is not,” “are not,” or “have not.”

But it ain’t recognized as a standard word in the language. If you use it, you risk being thought vulgar and uneducated. And yet “ain’t” has been around since 1706, more than 300 years. Most words that are used for so long eventually become official. I see your journey in 2016 as having resemblances to the saga of “ain’t,” Libra. You will meet resistance as you seek greater acceptance of some nonstandard but regular part of your life. Here’s the good news: Your chances of ultimately succeeding are much better than ain’t’s.

sign? Cancer the Crab, of course! No other tribe is better suited at moving back and forth between the two worlds. At least potentially, you are virtuosos at interweaving fantasy with earthy concerns. The coming year will afford you unprecedented opportunities to further develop and use this skill.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): My old friend John owns a 520-acre farm in Oregon’s Willamette Valley. Blueberries are among the crops he grows. If he arranges their growing season so that they ripen in July, he can sell them for $1.75 a pint. But if he designs them to be ready for harvest in late summer and early fall, the price he gets may go up to $4 a pint. You can guess which schedule he prefers.

I urge you to employ a similar strategy as you plot your game plan for 2016, Scorpio. Timing may not be everything, but it will count for a lot.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Avoid pain and pursue pleasure. Be kind, not cruel. Abstain from self-pity and ask for the help you need. Instead of complaining, express gratitude. Dodge time-wasting activities and do things that are meaningful to you. Shun people who disrespect you and seek the company of those who enjoy you. Don’t expose yourself to sickening, violent entertainment; fill your imagination up with uplifting stories. Does the advice I’m offering in this horoscope seem overly simple and obvious? That’s no accident. In my opinion, what you need most in 2016 is to refresh your relationship with fundamental principles.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Many of the atoms that compose your flesh and blood were not part of your body 12 months ago. That’s because every year, 98 percent of you is replaced. Old cells are constantly dying, giving way to new cells that are made from the air, food, and water you ingest. This is true about everyone, of course. You’re not the only one whose physical form is regularly recycled. But here’s what will be unique about you in 2016: Your soul will match your body’s rapid transformations. In fact, the turnover is already underway. By your next birthday, you may be so new you’ll barely recognize yourself. I urge you to take full charge of this opportunity! Who do you want to become?

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): In 1803, the U.S. government bought a huge chunk of North American land from the French government. At a price of three cents per acre, the new republic doubled its size, acquiring what’s now Louisiana and Montana and everything between. I don’t think you’ll add that much to your domain in 2016, Sagittarius, but it’s likely you will expand significantly. And although your new resources won’t be as cheap as the 1803 bargain, I suspect the cost, both in terms of actual cash and in emotional energy, will be manageable.

There’s one way your acquisition will be better than that earlier one. The Americans bought and the French sold land they didn’t actually own—it belonged to the native people—whereas your moves will have full integrity.

Rob Brezsny is an aspiring master of curiosity, perpetrator of sacred uproar, and founder of the Beauty and Truth Lab. He brings a literate, myth-savvy perspective to his work. It’s all in the stars.

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recruiting Sales Professionals NowNow recruiting MediaMedia Sales Professionals to represent to represent Chattanooga’s Alternative Newsweekly Chattanooga’s best mix of radio and newspaper properties.

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Jonesin’ Crossword

MATT JONES

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ACROSS 1 Letterhead illustrations 6 Key holder 9 “Your Movie Sucks” author Roger 14 “I’m on ___!”

15 Anonymous Richard in court cases 16 Where it’s happening 17 Like some French sauces 18 Observation from one person to another, part 1 20 Observation, part 2 22 Street of bad dreams?

23 “Ice Age” sloth 24 Allow 25 Stick (out) 28 Singer who dropped “McEntire” from her performing name 30 Last name in cartoon skunks 32 Appease fully 33 Possible pigeon perch 35 Baseball Hallof-Famer Tony 36 Observation,

part 3 40 “Oh ___! -- it’s full of stars!” (line from the novel “2001”) 41 “And there you have it!”

42 Rake in 43 British artist Lucian 45 BBQ specialty 49 180 degrees from SSW 50 Membership charge 51 Red or Dead follower 53 “Poetry Out Loud” org.

54 Response to the observation, part 1 57 Response, part 2 60 “The Kiss” artist Gustav 61 Baby food, typically 62 Legendary coach Parseghian 63 Word before craft or board 64 Northernmost NYC borough 65 Modern, in Munich 66 Make some z’s DOWN

1 Brief writer 2 Maryland’s state bird 3 Lose sensation 4 “In My Own Fashion” autobiographer Cassini 5 ___ a fox 6 Cholesterol-laden burger topper 7 “Game of Thrones” actress Chaplin 8 Scarab, e.g.

9 What’s happening 10 Titanic obstacle 11 Pair of bunnies?

12 Bitterly regret 13 Golfer’s support 19 Mountaintop feature 21 First name among early “SNL” regulars 25 Crows’ cousins 26 “Reader” founder Eric 27 Lowest two-digit positive integer 29 “Good Eats” host Brown 31 “Pet” annoyance 32 Say some naughty words 34 LAX listing 35 Pomade

alternative 36 Blue used in printing 37 Shrek, for example 38 “Undersea World” explorer Jacques 39 Evades the seeker 40 Checkers pieces 43 Pool table fabric 44 Grant another mortgage 46 Describing a living organism process (unlike, say, from a test tube) 47 Yuppie’s German car, slangily 48 “Being and Nothingness” author 50 UPS rival 52 Goth necklace pendants 54 Small songbird 55 1950s Hungarian leader Nagy 56 Tesla founder Musk 57 “Be on the lookout” message 58 Low-down sort 59 Prefix sometimes seen around vasectomies

Copyright © 2015 Jonesin’ Crosswords. For answers to this puzzle, call: 1-900-226-2800, 99 cents per minute. Must be 18+ to call. Or to bill to your credit card, call: 1-800-655-6548. Reference puzzle No. 0759

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A Cheese Platter Worthy Of Any Holiday Soiree Chef Mike saves the party (again) with these easy, cheesy tips It’s 6:13 a.m. on Dec. 23 and a combination of terror, regret and anxiety just jolted you out of your muchMIKE needed holiday MCJUNKIN slumber. Like the fever of an approaching flu, the realization washes over you that you agreed to bring food to a holiday party that starts in just a few hours—and your refrigerator is a wasteland of leftovers and half-empty boxes of Franzia.

Take a couple of deep, cleansing breaths and just relax. You’re not going to have to show up with a supermarket deli platter or bag of chips scattered around a jar of Newman’s salsa like some mouth-breathing barbarian.

It’s almost 2016 and you’re an adult with an adult palate.

You can solve this little lapse of planning and walk in the door with your head held high, thanks to the sublime caseinic poetry of cheese. I’m not suggesting you run to the deli section and throw down your hard-earned dollars for a plastic platter of rubbery, cheese-flavored oil cubes.

I’m talking about a real, #foodporn worthy cheese platter that won’t cause you to hyperventilate in front of the Whole Foods cheese section or make an emergency phone call to your high school French teacher to create.

How much to buy Unless you’re feeding a pack of Moreau’s ravenous rat-human hybrids, one ounce per person should be enough. If you spent your entire college career in the humanities build-

30 • THE PULSE • DECEMBER 24, 2015 • CHATTANOOGAPULSE.COM

“You’re not going to have to show up with a supermarket deli platter or bag of chips scattered around a jar of Newman’s salsa like some mouth-breathing barbarian.” ing and suck at math, that means a quarter-pound of cheese for every four people.

The cheese A good cheese plate will have a selection that varies by texture, age, milk type and manufacturer, but too much variety is overkill. I like to offer five cheeses at the most, or for a small group, a minimum of three.

Start with a good cheddar. If you’ve got a few dollars to spend, grab a well-made clothbound cheddar, but if you’re working on a tight budget, it’s hard to go wrong with any of the Cabot sharp cheddars. They’ll warm the cockles of everyone’s heart, which is important. Everyone needs warm

cockles.

Next, pick up something creamy.

People expect to see brie on a cheese platter but you’re a rebel and you have the Doc Martens 1460s to prove it. Give a middle finger to the conformists with a smooth, buttery Camembert or pick up some Fromage d’Affinois. It’s a cow’s milk cheese similar to brie, but with a fancier-sounding French name.

(Don’t worry, we won’t tell Vyvyan.)

Now you need a high-quality goat.

I’m not talking about one of those billy goats clinging to the side of Missionary Ridge, I mean a well-made goat cheese. If you see Humboldt Fog in the cheese case, get it. The center is fresh and light with a thin thread of

edible ash and the outer layer is more mature and a bit runny, so you get the best of both delicious, delicious worlds. If Humboldt Fog isn’t available, look for Drunken Goat. It’s an aged goat cheese with a smooth yet dense texture, fruity flavor and a cool “party in the pasture” name.

A great option for the “smelly” cheese lovers that won’t make everyone in the room wonder who forgot to change their socks is a thick, creamy buttermilk blue cheese or Rogue’s Smokey Blue. Don’t make the mistake of getting that crumbly salad topping in a plastic tub. You’re better than that.

Finally, showcase your cheese cred by including a washed rind cheese.

The smell of this cheese may make some party guests think you’ve lost your mind, but its bark is much, much worse than its bite. The slightly meaty and strong fruity flavors of Italian Taleggio is a great introduction to washed rind cheese that should convert any doubters over to the wondrous world of the stank.

To serve Arrange your cheeses in a clockwise direction from mildest to strongest on an inexpensive wooden cutting board.

Cold temperature is the enemy of flavor, so let the platter sit at room temperature for two to three hours to allow the cheeses to come to room temperature, and cover with a damp tea towel to keep them from drying out.

Add some thin rice crackers to the platter (I don’t care what Ben Matlock says, not everything tastes better sittin’ on a Ritz) and one small knife per cheese. Label them if you want, or you can stand around and play the expert when the esurient crowds gather ‘round your fermented curd and inquire as to what cheesy comestibles you have brought round the manusquire.

Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays and Season’s Cheeses to you all.

Longtime food writer and professional chef Mike McJunkin is a native Chattanoogan who has trained chefs, owned and operated restaurants. Join him on Facebook at facebook.com/ SushiAndBiscuits CHATTANOOGAPULSE.COM • DECEMBER 24, 2015 • THE PULSE • 31

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