How Many Times?

Seriously... BY GWEN SCHRANK

One might ask themselves, “ How many times do I have to go through this same struggle over and over and over again?” Sometimes it gets to the point where enough is enough. The saying goes, “ The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.” I don’t know if I believe that definition completely, but I can say that while practicing to do better, I find myself feeling frustrated, exhausted, and defeated at times. My goals in starting over has been to keep getting back up after falling down no matter what. My goal has been to keep trying no matter how hard I want to give up. My goal has been to keep learning from the mistakes that I am making. I asked a close friend of mine, someone who I care about very deeply a question about life. Our conversation was very interesting but also frustrating at the same time; but there was a lesson in it I believe for the both of us. Let me first give you a little context before discussing the question. My friend is a very peaceful, loving, and respected man. He is a hard worker, wonderful father, and has spent most of his adult life making sure he could take care of and provide for his family. He has built a good life for himself working for a company for over 25 years and he is looking forward to retiring early to do some of the things in life that he always dreamt of doing. Security is one of his most valued treasures in life. It’s important for him to feel secure in all areas of his life. So now back to the question that I asked him… How Would You Feel?

I asked, “Friend, How would you feel if you lost your job, your retirement, your family, your home, and you had to move to a place where you were alone for the first time in your life?” Yikes, this sounds dramatic right? Well my question was serious. He started to ask me lots of clarifying questions because he

also values information, is a natural problem solver, and always has to have a reason for every circumstance. I wouldn’t give him any answers to his questions which I think made him a little frustrated. I just wanted him to answer the question which he attempted many times. Each time he tried to answer, he would start his sentence off with, “You would feel…” I would stop him and would say, “no no, how would you feel?” He would continue on while processing the magnitude of the question, again asking more questions. I would repeatedly stop him which made us both a little frustrated. “How would you feel if that happened to you?” I would say. We went on and on around the question a little bit and he said, “ You would feel suicidal or have suicide ideations.” Again, he didn’t say how he would feel, and so I said, “ You can’t do it can you? Forget it.” I was in so much pain in my heart at the time. I just wanted someone close to me to relate to what I was going through and how I felt at the time. But being the wonderful person that he is, he said, “ Wait wait, help me out here. I just need a little bit more information.” He knew that I was hurting and he wanted to help; again, he’s a really good friend. I said, “ You won’t tell me how you would feel you keep reflecting to the word YOU instead of saying I.” I think that’s when it hit him and he said, “ I would feel pretty crappy (with a different word.) Finally I thought. Okay, you just put yourself in my shoes. I felt relieved, I think he felt the heavy burden that had been on my heart for the past year. I felt like someone finally understood. Where Do I Go From Here?

The question now is: Where do I go from here? If I feel as if I have lost everything and I am in a new place; what do I do know? My friend said, “ You can do whatever you want!” That was an amazing answer and felt wonderful and free. But Houston we still have a problem. What do I do with all my feelings of loss, the mourning of my past life, the relationships that have changed, the disappointments, the goals, hopes, and dreams? There was also a lot of anger, pain, regrets, and yes; thoughts of suicide. I felt completely alone. I felt like someone had stolen all of my future plans and the people, places, and experiences that I had looked forward to for almost thirty years. My broken heart was screaming inside so loudly. It was a lot of pain to bare. Did I mention Covid-19? Nope, let’s just leave that in 2020. I know that I am not the only person who has experienced this type of loss. There are people going through what I am going through everyday and I want to reach out to those people this year and I want to ask them to join me in starting over and creating a new beginning from scratch. We will always have our memories of what was and what could have been, but we also have a chance to create something new and unexpected. As a suicide attempt survivor I would like to say that I am so thankful that I keep getting back up and trying over and over again even when I don’t want to and even in the pain. It may take me a thousand times trying to heal and change the patterns in my life of wanting to flee life, but in the end it will have been worth it. Each day that we get the opportunity to wake up and get out of bed is a day for new beginnings. Yesterday is gone and tomorrow isn’t here yet so let’s work together to do the

best that we can today to help us take one more step closer to living the life that we were always meant to have which in my opinion is love. How Will You Begin?

New Beginnings for me is to love as many as I can, as long as I can, and to receive love as much as I can. Love is patient, love is kind, it does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no records of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love Never Fails! ~ 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 You can call me Insane if you want to, but I am going to keep trying again, again, and again, until I can perfect this kind of love. This is how I’m starting over! My prayer is that we all grow stronger each day by processing through our emotions, feel them, sit with them, and acknowledge them because they matter. They are real and are valid even when others around us can’t relate. Starting over begins with knowing where we are in this very moment and it has nothing to do with anyone else- just us. We have to be honest with ourselves and own our reactions so that we can repeat them if they are good, or change them when they are bad, but remember: they are ours. Join me in our New Beginnings Group on Facebook. We would love to hear your new beginning and be there to support you as we come together to keep getting back up!

Gwen Schrank Breathe Magazine Founder Community Leader Advocate for Mental Health and Suicide Prevention