Looking Forward

Why depression didn’t ruin being with my family during Covid 19...

As summer starts to wind down and I start noticing the leaves starting to Fall. I cannot help but look at this past year I realized that so many things have fallen away. My way of life has changed dramatically. Last Winter, at the beginning of the year, I had a place to go to daily. I felt needed. I felt good about the fact that I could work to make a better place, here in my community of Visalia. I saw friends and family often. I went to the movies, shopping and made plans for weekend getaways. Then February hit. My Grandmother, who I live with, was taken ill and put into the hospital. At first it wasn’t a big issue because Grandma went into the hospital often and I knew that she would be home soon. But then, Covid 19 hit. Things got serious fast. My Mother and Uncle, both in their 70s stopped coming by the house. Everyone was afraid and worried that Covid 19 could sicken or kill them. The place that I spent lots of time working and healing called Clubhouse Visalia, was forced to close it’s doors temporarily we all thought. This was the place that so many of us went everyday. Life as I knew it was shut down. A few things happened at that point. I first went into denial and I thought it wasn’t going to last. I was completely alone. My good friend, who I saw daily was also in isolation. What was I going to do alone? Like many others, I started watching the news. The more news that I watched the more I was

afraid.This lasted a few months before things started to seriously go down hill. Depression had started to set in and I ate a lot of potato chips which of course made me feel worse because I was not taking care of myself the way that I planned. Some days I would stay in my pajamas and not get dressed at all. Lots of thoughts started to go through my head about past hurts and disappointments in my personal life and relationships. I withdrew from my friends and wouldn’t contact them through phone calls or social media. I felt like nobody understood what I was going through.

The friends who I knew understood, I felt that my problems and concerns would be a burden on them so I kept quiet and didn’t reach out Then Easter in the spring came and I decided that I was not going to be sad just because I would be alone. Instead, I planned a dinner for myself. I bought a steak and even got a bottle of red wine. I had not ever been much of a drinker but I was going to celebrate. There is something about spring, the weather changing, flowers blooming, and for me it brought a new perspective. Later that month, my Grandmother came home. I am happy to say my 95 year old Grandmother survived Covid 19. I have been tested four times and am so grateful the tests were negative. I however do know that Covid 19 is real and it can still happen. I am not immune and my hope is that everyone continues to stay safe.

My daughter Maria suggested that we do scheduled family Zoom time, twice a week. It was perfect because both of my daughters live in separate areas. I was so excited and happy to also see both daughters and my two Grandsons. One Grandson Ethan was born November 2019 and I have only held him once. The fun thing is I can still talk to him, see him laugh, cry and watch him look at us on the computer screen. He must have thought who are those people calling my name? I love them. The Woman that I raised my beautiful girls with, Jerri also joins in our meetings. For that scheduled time I have my family back. This was my family for 30 years so being able to laugh, get to know each other, watch my girls interact has been the biggest blessing. We all belong together, even though we live apart. Things between my family and I have improved because we make the effort to connect and these things give me hope.

Antonia Rose enjoys time with friends and leading guided meditation groups on Facebook live. @ Clubhouse Visalia