Danish Plan: Nixon explains why Bernie will clean Bloomberg’s clock

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February 13, 2020 Volume XXVII, Number 26 As Boulder County's only independently owned newspaper, Boulder Weekly is dedicated to illuminating truth, advancing justice and protecting the First Amendment through ethical, no-holds-barred journalism and thought-provoking opinion writing. Free every Thursday since 1993, the Weekly also offers the county's most comprehensive arts and entertainment coverage. Read the print version, or visit www.boulderweekly.com. Boulder Weekly does not accept unsolicited editorial submissions. If you're interested in writing for the paper, please send queries to: editorial@ boulderweekly.com. Any materials sent to Boulder Weekly become the property of the newspaper.

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Me and the Idea Fairy had almost finished airing out the house when there was a knock on the door. It was Richard Nixon, and his case worker Beelzebub, back from covering the Iowa caucuses and the New Hampshire primary for Hell TV.

They flopped exhausted onto the asbestos Lazy Boys I had acquired after one too many couch fires.

I offered Dick a cool one and ’Bub a flaming Dr. Pepper, which they gratefully accepted. I try to be a good host. “Let’s talk politics,” I said. “Iowa, New Hampshire, state of the race, who’s hot, who’s not...” “Ask me anything.” “OK,” I said, “Let’s start at the bottom and work our way up. What do you make of Michael Bennet dropping out?” “That’s the wrong question,” the Tricky One said. “The correct question is why did he ever drop in? He brought nothing to the table, no interesting ideas, no interesting personal story, no money, no organization. The only thing he accomplished was getting more than 900 New Hampshire Democrats to waste their votes.”

“Well that’s something,” ’Bub interjected, blowing two plumes of sulfurous smoke out of his nostrils.

I quickly cranked up the giant shop fan in the front window to Hypersonic. “Let’s move on to Andrew Yang,” I Nixon explains why Bernie will clean Bloomberg’s clock by Paul Danish

said quickly. “What do you make of his candidacy now that it’s over too?”

“Yang is a more interesting case,” Nixon said reflectively. “Yang had a lot of interesting ideas. But you know the old saying about no force on Earth being stronger than an idea whose time has come? Yang’s problem was that his big idea — the $1,000 a month guaranteed income for everyone — came before its time.

“But I have a feeling it’s an idea that isn’t going to go away,” Nixon added. “Two or three election cycles from now he might be able to get some traction out of it if he chooses to run again. In the meantime, he ought to get himself elected to some sort of a starter office if he wants to stay in politics — governor, congressman or even county commissioner somewhere in flyover country, maybe.”