What Happened When Franco Died
Copyright 2010 par
Roberto Sawatzki
If The Plane Doesn’t Crash There’s No Story: Postcards from Catalonia Copyright 2010 Roberto Sawatzki.
Chapter 1: What Happened When Franco Died. Another cold, wet spring day for Jordan and Diane, looking out
Diane drove to TJ MAXX where they bought pajama bottoms
the windows and dreaming of Catalonia. After reading the local paper,
for Jordan and crystal pendant earrings for Diane. They checked
Diane fired up the i-Mac in what used to be a breakfast nook. Jordan
out backpacks at a sporting goods store, trying them on and walking
trimmed his beard over the sports pages, then repaired his knee braces
around. Diane was determined to carry all her essential clothing and
with thread and needle.
gear and found one that was just the right size. Jordan fell in love
“Sixty-five degrees in Barcelona today,” said Diane. And there’s
with a Kelty Redwing 3100 with more zippers, flaps, straps, toggles,
a great linen dress at Sierra On-line I would love for this trip for
pockets, and secret compartments than he could ever find a use for,
seventy-eight dollars. It says they have Tall but you never know.
but decided to shop on-line for a better price. Then Diane tried on
Hmmmmmmmaybe we should go to the mall today.”
knee braces, buying the best, with metal re-enforcements. On impulse,
Their two adult children had left home, bounced back, and
Jordan bought a gaily colored designer jock strap. That night, images
although not present at the moment, were living in the basement, mas
from the package would return in his dreams.
o minos. Estrella would be leaving soon for a job in China teaching
Leaving the mall, they drove out of town to Valley Nursery
conversational English. Antonio was an Iraq War veteran, majoring in
where Diane decided to buy a blueberry bush. Beyond their anti-
philosophy and history, you hardly saw him except for brief explosions
oxidant properties, what Diane wanted to find out was whether or not
during feeding times and between classes.
blueberries could be made to grow in Utah. Propagation of species
“Augh,” said Jordan. “Anything but that.”
was a tennet of Diane’s belief system and every spring she liked to try
“Too wet to work in the garden anyway,” said Diane. “You’ve got
something new.
to go to the mall sometime, honey.”
Jordan consulted his organic gardening Bible and loaded their
moss green Subaru with bags of garden soil amendments: dolmitic lime,
than ornamental value. He was an art teacher on sabbatical, well-rested,
soy meal, bone meal, gypsum. It had stopped raining by the time they
refreshed, looking forward to new students in the fall.
got home, so Jordan started tilling the soil, making trenches, mixing
“Diane and Jordan are going to Barcelona,” said Maggie. “Unless
ingredients in the wheelbarrow. Making things grow came naturally
that volcano in Iceland goes off again.”
to Diane, but to Jordan it would always be a mysterious and uncertain
“Wouldn’t it suck if that happened on your vacation,” said Melba.
enterprise.
“Thousands of flights cancelled for three days. People sleeping in
Out of the cloud-swirling, grey-blue sky came Diane’s friend
airports.”
Maggie, pulling up into the driveway in her rusty red Subaru with her
“Then Jordan will have something to write about,” said Diane.
sister Melba and Melba’s husband Bruce in tow, on vacation, seeing
“That’s what he’s hoping for.”
the sights. Jordan recalled meeting them years ago during one of
“We had problems when we were in Spain, too,” said Maggie.
Maggie’s Christmas parties, all jammed together in the kitchen around
“When me and Mudhead were seeing Europe on our honeymoon and
the wassail pan on the stove. What he remembered most clearly was
Franco died.”
the temporary exhibition of Melba’s paintings leaning against the walls
“You were there when Franco died?” said Jordan, doing a quick
all around the house; brightly colored bird-like people talking, eating,
mental calculus and realizing that Maggie was married when he was a
wearing sunglasses and feathered hats, holding drinks and cigarettes
farm hand in Oregon and watching TV after work with the boys in the
with the tips of their wings.
bunkhouse.
Jordan and Diane were soon leading the visitors on a tour of
“Franco Is Still Dead!” said Melba. “It was on Saturday Night
their yard and garden, pointing out fruit trees in blossom. Maggie and
Live for like weeks.”
Melba lagged behind, a raucous pair of black and white magpies. Bruce
“Franco Is Still Dead,” said Bruce wistfully. “Those were the
seemed more egret-like, tall, thin, elegant, ranging ahead with Wolfie,
days.”
Jordan and Diane’s springer spaniel.
“And he died while me and Mudhead were at this soccer game in
“How pretty!” Bruce kept exclaiming. “That’s lovely,” like an art
Madrid,” said Maggie. “It was the biggest stadium in Madrid. We had
teacher with students. He didn’t seem to get that fruit trees had more
free tickets for the game, and you know how they are about soccer over
there.”
and granola bars at halftime, and cheered for their girls despite losing
“Soccer hooligans,” said Diane. “I read a book about it. Not like
every game. When the coach quit in frustration at mid-season, Maggie
American football fans and tail-gating parties. More like gang warfare.
and Diane took over, though neither had any experience. Somehow
That’s one thing I don’t look forward to in Barcelona.”
their girls learned how to play as a team and started winning games.
“Exactly, and for such a boring game,” said Maggie. “So we’re
Post-game celebrations of drinking and ragging on the perfidy of
ready to walk out at half time and that’s when we notice all the guardia
men was another great thing Maggie and Diane had in common. After
civil stationed at the exits and lining up along the sides of the field.
divorcing Mudhead, Maggie had no shortage of lovers, sometimes
Half-time entertainment maybe is what we were thinking, but they’re
more than one at a time, but she never re-married. And every time
all carrying guns! So we get out of there and stop at the nearest tappas
Jordan let her down, Diane had a willing listener for her complaints.
bar and that’s when we find out: Franco es el morte! It’s everywhere
“I tried it once and it didn’t work for me,” was Maggie’s attitude
on TVs and radios, the whole country just ground to a halt for days,
concerning marriage. “Been there, done that, got the rasty old torn t-
the government shut down, stores closed and barricaded, trains not
shirt and two kids. I don’t believe that having a man around the house
running. It was crazy. A revolution is what they were expecting. But it
is all that it’s cracked up to be.”
didn’t happen.”
Diane and Jordan sometimes wondered if Maggie was right. So
“You still in touch with old Mudhead?” said Melba.
many of the married people they knew were divorcing, re-inventing
“Oh yeah,” said Maggie, “now that he’s a grandpa he comes by all
themselves, starting over with another partner, or not. So many friends
the time. He takes Marcus for rides on his big-ass Harley. He’s at the
changing and moving on. Staying married seemed like settling for
house more now than when we were married. If he’d been around this
less.
much when I needed him, maybe we’d still be together.”
Jordan gradually realized his presence was tolerated but not required during Maggie and Diane’s bouts of drinking and ranting
Maggie and Diane had become friends long ago, when their
on respective backyard patios, which was fine with Jordan. He could
daughters played AYSO soccer. A feminine version of Mutt and Jeff,
read, write, go walk the dog. This relationship is doomed. Doomed,
the two women spread blankets on the side lines, served sliced oranges
doomed, doomed, Jordan would think to himself, wandering the hills
“People who are married don’t just drop off the map, dear. That’s
with Wolfie. Why am I not yet in Catalonia?
not how marriage works and if you think disappearing at random intervals is acceptable behavior then this marriage is over!”
Sometimes the only thing Diane and Jordan could agree on was that neither of them would ever marry again if this didn’t work out.
In the doghouse, out of the doghouse, it was all very perplexing to
Starting from that premise, they somehow managed to find a way
Jordan who might have been happier as a monk. He preferred books
back together again after each rupture until Jordan began to take the
and ideas to people. He loved the concept of having a family; that was
resiliancy of their marriage for granted.
another fine idea. “One of these days,” Diane would usually say, “you’re going to
Running away from home was something Jordan did more
come home and there’s nobody going to be here.”
than once, temporarily free for random roaming, sex with strangers, sometimes women, sometimes not. Each time there was instant remorse. Sometimes he did gladly sleep in the doghouse. Over the years, Jordan had occupied some mighty fine doghouses, too, and sometimes for a mighty long time. Once upon a time, the doghouse was a tent by a river in a redwood forest. That was the time Jordan didn’t call home for twelve days and for the longest time afterwards Diane went around asking all her friends, “What would you do if you didn’t know where your husband was for twelve days?” “I was following the Pony Express route to California,” Jordan calmly explained. “It’s not like they have e-mail out there.” “You could have called from anywhere.” “Why do you have to monitor my every move? Why can’t I just drop off the map?”
It was The Year of Living John Cheeverishly that changed
territory and the back yard was his.
everything. After reading a recently published biography of Cheever,
“I’d like to somehow believe you really mean it,” said Diane, “but
Jordan had been inspired. What would John Cheever do, Jordan had
that’s not likely to happen soon.”
wondered, if he was me and living now? But after what they agreed
“I’ll do a hundred hours of community service. Get back to working
to call The Incident, Jordan came to understand that not only was he
on home improvements. Really, having too much free time is part of
not John Cheever, Diane had no interest in playing the accomodating
the problem, I realize that. I’ll go to counselling with you. Whatever.
wife.
This time, really, I mean it. I’m a changed man.”
“I would have kicked him out of there so fast his head would
“Why on earth do you think I could ever believe that?” She looked
spin,” said Diane, upon hearing about what kind of behavior Mary
at him as if he were a bug in her garden and she was half-inclined to
Cheever had tolerated. “Why did she even want to stay married? She
pinch off his little pointed head.
was a college English teacher. She loved teaching and he mocked her for it. What a self-centered, narcissistic jerk! I just don’t get what you
Back to his inegral self, Jordan was sleeeping in a tent in the
see in him.”
backyard, reading The Journals of John Cheever by flashlight, fine
This is the greatest doghouse I’ve ever been in, Jordan gradually
until it got cold in the fall. Then he slept in Estrella’s room in the
realized as months passed without reconciliation. He was living in the
basement, which worked out okay because Estrella was staying at her
Cathedral del Mar of doghouses, with columns like redwood trees and
boyfriend’s apartment in the city, except on weekends, bumping Jordan
a canopy of stained glass. Inescapable. Hermetically sealed. There was
out of her room and onto the living room sofa.
no one in the world Jordan could talk to about The Incident except
“I don’t know what you did this time, Dad, but Mom is sure pissed,”
Diane, and she had removed herself from the equation.
said Estrella. She was helping Jordan move his bedding upstairs to the living room.
“You’re right. I was wrong. I’m sorry,” said Jordan. “What else
“It’s complicated,” said Jordan. “You know how relationships ebb
would you like me to say?” This was probably a week after The
and flow?”
Incident, passing each other between yards. The front yard was her
“I have some experience with that. Yeah.”
“Well we’re at ebb tide now, the tide is definitely low as it goes. So how’s things with you and the Zackmeister? Is he really going to
“What have I done to deserve this,” Jordan said to Diane during
meet you in Beijing?”
one of their brief encounters out in the yard. It was fall by then and
“I don’t know. It wasn’t exactly what I had in mind when I signed
they were raking leaves. This kind of parallel play was all they had in
up for a year teaching ESL. Oh man, what am I gonna do wtth that
common. Maintaining the house and garden was something they could
guy?”
agree on.
“Better talk to your mother about it, not me. Guys are the last
“It’s like I’m a bad dog,” said Jordan, scooping up the pile with his
people to understand what’s really going on. Women have strange
rake and dumping it into the wheelbarrow. “Having sex with strangers
powers over men and I think it all has to do with pheremones.”
is a no-no. I get that. It was the first time in years and I’m telling you
“Right,” said Estrella. “Good talk, Dad.”
it’s the last.” “The last time until the next time.”
One night on the sofa Jordan dreamed there was a party going on
“I’m repentant and trying to start over but you keep rubbing my
in the living room. Everybody he and Diane knew was there, starting
nose in it.”
with Maggie and expanding exponentially to include old friends Jordy
“What you don’t get is it’s all about trust,” said Diane. “I want to
hadn’t partied with in years, friends from long before Jordy got married
trust you. I’d rather have nothing than live without trust.”
and metamorphosed into Jordan. Being Jordy again was exhilirating
At first Jordan was surprized that his behavior this time had caused
and the party was spreading out into the streets, getting out of control,
such a huge reaction. The last time he had extra-marital sex had been
police sirens approaching. Jordan woke up sweating and panting for
a one-shot deal, too.
breath with a Randy Neuman song in his head:
“What’s so bad about sex with a stranger?” said Jordan. “Sex with
Everybody you knew and everybody I knew was in my dream
a stranger can be the greatest kind. We were strangers when we had
Everybody scared me but you scared me the most……
sex the first time. Or don’t you remember? That sense of being alive
In the dream I had last night
and engaged and not a walking zombie like those people I work with
In my dream.
at the library?”
“I do know what you mean,” said Diane, “but you are far from
“No pictures!,” Jordan said, laughing like he was a star and this
being a zombie just yet. A sex addict zombie, maybe.”
guy was papparazi.
“You shouldn’t take it personal,” Jordan said. “It was just sex.”
“I’ll make sure your head’s not in the picture,” the guy said. “That’s
“Don’t take it personal? Jordan, I’m your wife. Why pretend
not what they want to see anyway.”
you’re married? It’s not what you really want.”
“Uh-oh, the condon broke,” Jordan trilled like a little girl, like
“It was just sex. I don’t want to live with the guy.”
Shirley Temple, just adorable. Rather than taking it off, Jordan started rolling the busted rubber down like a cock ring, lower and lower, and
The Incident occurred when Diane had been out of town visiting
with a gasp, snapped it around his testicles: a tourniquet wrapped
a Dear Fiend in Santa Fe. Yes, her Dear Friend Cecila, a life sciences
around a hard-on that wouldn’t quit.
professor at the college there. Jordan had dropped Diane off at the
Arriving at a quiet, suburban neighborhood, the guy pulled over
airport and Diane had flown away to help Cecelia and her students
to the curb, killed the motor, and lead Jordan through a gate into
with their annual butterfly census.
somebody’s backyard. Then they started going at it on the lawn, first
While Diane was counting butterflies, Jordan was spending most
Jordan and then the other guy, who comes in like two minutes.
of the day prepping, shopping, trying on outfits, getting dressed up,
“What, are you up again?” says the guy. “How many times can
buying a certain accessory at Le Sex Shoppe. And after dark he strolled
you come, anyway?”
the river parkway like a one man Gay Pride parade, almost immediately
Jordan was panting like a freight train. The guy kept going shhh!
scoring an admirer. Some guy cruising by who pulled over and asked
and putting his hand over Jordan’s mouth. He couldn’t help it, laughing
if he needed a ride or something. Jordan was soon reclining in the seat
with shock and gasping for breath.
while this guy slowly drove up and around through the hills, undressing him with one hand.
“It was just sex,” Jordan had explained to Diane on the day she
“You’re hot!,” said the guy. “I mean really. You could do do porno.
came back from Santa Fe. “You may be satisfied turning into a sexless
There’s people I know in the business. Mmmmmmman I gotta get
old crone, but I’m not. I’m alive and vital. I’m in better shape than any
some pictures.”
guy my age I know and this guy could see that. He kept wanting to take
pictures. ‘You could do this for money in LA,’ is what the guy said. He
in the air. Diane was ready to believe in love again, love with her
was really a total LA sleazeball.”
husband.
“And you willingly had sex with this sleazeball from LA?” “Right. He was this sleazeball from LA who had more than he
Jordan hadn’t expected that. She had cornered him out by the
could handle. Just physically, you know, I was so much bigger and
raspberry bushes, dragged him inside to bed, and as soon as possible
stronger. And it’s never going to happen again, I swear, Diane. This
afterwards, when they noticed the blood stains on the sheets, he told
is what they call the Low. I realize I really am more fucked up than
her what had happend.
anybody I know.”
“We must have really split your yin-yang,” said Jordan. “Did I
“Maybe if you had told me about this guy before we had sex just
hurt you?”
now,” said Diane. “Maybe I could believe that. But you’re a sex addict
“No,” said Diane, inspecting herself closely. “It’s not me, it’s you.
is what you are. You swear off and then start up again, over and over
Oh Christ. Your ass is bleeding. What have you been doing while I was
and it’s never going to end.”
gone?”
Jordan had intended to tell Diane what had happened, but the topic
“I got a butt plug. Brand new. Cost nineteen nine-five and only
never came up on the drive home from the airport and he hadn’t wanted
used once.”
to spoil her good mood. Maybe after a few drinks Jordan had thought,
“You fucked yourself so much your ass is bleeding?,” said Diane,
but that only made Diane frisky. She was feeling amorous after her
her face a mask of horror like a bad dream.
brief vacation and wanting to make love.
“Maybe it’s still on that guy’s lawn?” said Jordan. “Maybe he kept
What Jordan hadn’t anticipated was that Diane’s Dear Friend in
it for his collection? He had a whole suitcase of costumes and sex
Santa Fe, who had been a divorced and single parent for twenty years,
toys. He said I could do porn movies in LA. He knows people in the
had finally fallen in love again with a respectable male, a life-long
business.”
bachelor ready at last to make a committment. It had been an inspiring
“You’re a sex addict,” said Diane contemptuously, pulling away
trip for Diane. Thousands of butterflies—more than a dozen identified
in revulsion, covering her body with the sheets. “You need help. And
species—flowers on the hills, skinny-dipping in the reservoir, love
an AIDS test!”
What really got Jordan was the other fellow had been disgusted
Diane had a wide support group of other women to talk to:
with him, too, and as much, in not more so than his wife. Because after
married, divorced, re-married, independent, and in-between. Couples
a lot of rolling around on the grass, the guy got frustrated. Unaware
counseling therapy was ever the refrain, but would it really mean
that a busted condom was still wrapped tight around Jordan’s balls, he
anything to someone like Jordan, Diane wondered. And why pay good
was tired of sucking him and fucking him with a butt plug like a two-
money to a stranger to sit and listen to this shit?
dollar whore.
Jordan knew he was really in trouble when even Maggie condemned
“What are you on drugs or something?” the guy says. “Don’t you
him. Dealing with social problems was her job. Maggie was a school
ever come?”
counselor with twenty years of experience. She took pride in remaining
Jordan couldn’t form words to speak. He was wheezing like a
calm and professional when dealing with fuck-ups.
squeezebox, in and out, panting like when he was on the cross country
“Get rid of him,” Maggie advised Diane. “It’s not even safe to
track team and running till you taste blood. Then you know you’re
have somebody like that around the house.”
really rolling.
Wait a year before doing anything drastic was what all the
“You’re so fucking hot,” said the guy, “and Jesus, you’re sweating
relationship books said about living with someone who is a sex addict,
like a pig.” With a grunt of disgust the guy pushed Jordan away and
or latent transvestite, or whatever Jordan’s problem was. Commit to
stood up over him. “Get up,” he said. “That’s it. Get the fuck out of my
change, wait a year, and see what happens.
mother’s backyard.” Sitting in the front seat again, Jordan tried to make conversation.
Nine months later, Jordan and Diane were sitting at a picnic table
“Maybe we could go to my place?” Jordan said, putting his hand on the
on the patio making plans for Barcelona with Maggie, Melba, and
guy’s thigh. “My wife’s out of town.”
Bruce. Diane brought out glasses of water and a tray with crackers,
Wordlessly, the guy picked up Jordan’s hand and batted it away.
cheese, and grapes. Maggie sat downwind, smoking her cigarette.
In seething speechless fury he drove back to the river where he opened
“Get a money belt,” said Melba. “You’re gonna need it, especially
the door and pushed Jordan out like a piece of trash.
on the subways. They’re great and they run on time, but don’t go down
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there after dark.”
does seem rather fabulous with the Rambla and the Bario Goti and all
“What I don’t get,” said Maggie, “is why Barcelona? Madrid has
that Gaudi architecture. And what is it with his Cathedral de Sagrada
the Prado. That’s the big museum in Spain. There’s a whole building
Familia? We definitely want to see that.”
just of Picassos.”
“We have two weeks,” said Jordan, “so we’ll be travelling all
“For my birthday,” said Jordan. “We’re going to Barcelona for my
around Catalonia. We’ll take a train up to the mountains. There’s a
birthday.”
monastery where we can stay.”
“I wish you would stop saying that,” said Diane.
“Then down again on a bus to the Costa Brava,” said Diane.
“We leave on my birthday,” said Jordan.
“Maybe rent a car and drive to Cadaques? Really, just to lay on a beach
“Such a great place to hang out in,” said Melba. “Just walking
in the sun would be heaven.”
around there was a trip.”
“Cadaques?” said Bruce. “That’s where Salvador Dali lived.”
“Nothing quite like Barcelona,” said Bruce. “I mean Rome, Paris,
“I never got what’s so great about Dali,” said Maggie.
Madrid, they’re all great cities, but Barcelona—you’re either going to
“I don’t get Dali either,” said Diane.
love it or hate it.”
“Me neither,” said Melba, “but Antonio Gaudi and Barcelona
“Judging from your place here,” said Melba, “I think you’ll love
you’re going to love. My favorite place was Parc Guell. I wanted to go
it.”
back and spend the whole day. Everything Gaudi did there is genius. “There’s a number of reasons why Barcelona,” said Diane. “For
But the Sagrada Familia?,” she said with an odd look on her face,
instance, Jordan’s never been to Europe. Can you believe it?”
feathered hat tilting in the intermittent sun. “You really have to see for
Shocking but true. What Jordan had always wanted was to live in
yourself.”
Europe, not just visit. Somehow it had never happened. Maybe getting
“It’s a trip,” said Bruce. “You have to actually be there to get it.
married, buying a home, raising a family wasn’t really what he was cut
On site, as it were.”
out for.
“I’m not that crazy about it,” said Melba. “Not like Parc Guell,
“Jordan has a thing about Catalonia,” said Diane, “that’s why our
where you have a place that’s open, and beautiful, and for everyone.
children are named Antonio and Estrella, for example. And Barcelona
But maybe I just don’t get cathedrals—I think they’re kind of creepy,
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you know? There’s dead people in there!”
stays with me about Spain was just hanging out in tappas bars with
“Gaudi is buried in the Sagrada Familia,” said Bruce. “Entombed
the paisanos. In the cool of the evening after the siesta, you know,
in his own building. How weird is that?”
it’s the most amazing thing over there. Everything closes down for
“It’s like a monument to himself,” said Melba.
siesta. Everybody gets a break until four o’clock, and then one by one
“You know what I liked best?,” said Maggie. “I mean what really
the stores start re-opening. People get dressed up and go out walking
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on the ramblas, you know, walking from tappas bar to tappas bar,
planting of corn, mixed with with green beans and pot seeds. Still no
drinking and talking and having little snacks. That’s what I liked best
water in the canal so Jordan irrigated with the garden hose. Next week
about Spain.�
he would plant another row, to stagger the harvest. And then Catalonia.
Then they were gone and Jordan started laying down the mix of
They would have to leave the garden to the indifferent attention of
soil amendments, working it into the trench. It was time for the first
Antonio and hope he remembered to irrigate when it was their turn, if the water ever came.
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