Simple tips for meaningful aged care home visits

By Dr Loretta Quinn | General Manager Model of Care (Dementia)

Do you have a loved one living with dementia? It can be very challenging to visit them in an aged care home and not knowing what to say or what to do. By following some simple tips below, you can help create meaningful and positive visits, both for you and your loved one.

1. Understanding dementia

– Climb into their world, they can’t climb into yours

As Vivian Green Korner, a certified dementia care specialist said, “You need to live in their world and not expect them to come into yours. Get rid of the idea of ‘normal.’ You won’t have the same kind of conversation you once had with someone. Conversations may become less intellect-to-intellect and more emotion-to-emotion.”

If your loved one is talking about wanting to 'go home', instead of replying “Mum, your home is now here”, engage her in a positive memory of her home by saying, “Mum, remember when…" and recall a positive memory of you and her in the house she wanted to go home to. By recalling a positive memory with your loved one (e.g. your Mother), you are assisting her to experience happy feelings instead of anxious ones of wanting to go home. Talk about familiar objects in her room, gently shifting her thoughts from the 'home' topic. You may have to use this approach more than once before her ‘wanting to go home’ feeling subsides.

2. Setting the mood of the visit with your loved one

Reflect on your mood before you are in their presence. Are you feeling stressed? Rushed? Anxious? Non-verbal communication is important for people living with dementia. Being calm and communicating this calmness to them will help them to be more relaxed, which in turn will improve your communication. When you walk into the room, give them a big smile and you will probably receive a beautiful smile in return. Compliment them on what they are wearing, e.g. the colour of their clothes.

Don’t forget the power of making eye contact and physical touch. When talking to them, make sure you are sitting in front of them, at eye level, and not too far away as people with dementia lose the ability to judge distances, even if their eyesight is perfect.

3. Don’t argue with dementia – Redirect challenging conversations in creative ways

As the dementia progresses, your loved one will lose awareness that they have dementia. So don’t argue with someone who has dementia –you will never win.

Try to sense their feelings/ emotions connected to what they are saying. For example, “I want to go home, I don’t want to stay here, take me home now!” The feelings behind this could be anxiety, fear, not recognising anything in their current environment and confusion. Try validating the emotion you can sense that they are feeling: “You sound frightened, am I right?” Then gently, try to talk to them about something they can relate to, for example, share a familiar photo or a song they know really well.

4. Engage in the moment and use objects

To really connect with your loved one, try and 'live in the moment' with them. Bring in objects that are familiar to them: photos, trinkets, blankets, chairs, bedspreads, soft toys, etc. Engage them in a song that they know very well, and even sing with them. They won’t care if you are not a good singer. They will engage better with your real live voice, instead of the recorded voice in a YouTube clip. Be perceptive about what their living environment is like and what they are like at the time you visit. If you are able to go for a walk outside in the courtyard, comment on objects in the surroundings, for example, the sun, the leaves on the trees or the flowers that they and you can see, feel, smell and touch.

5. Be gentle with yourself and your loved one

Dementia can be a long, physically and emotionally challenging journey. Allow yourself room to make mistakes. Don’t judge yourself or your loved one harshly. Be prepared for your loved one to say things that could be potentially hurtful, confronting and very frustrating. Please remember that it is the dementia that is driving these challenging words and responses, not the person that you love.

6. Remember you are a valued part of the team caring for your loved one

Within the home where your loved one is living, is a team of people who want the very best quality of life and care for them, which includes the Care staff, Lifestyle and Leisure staff,

Hospitality staff and you. The staff see you as a very important part of the care team for your loved one. Talk to them. Ask them for ideas on how your visits with them can be the most enjoyable and engaging for yourself and your loved one. Please share with the Lifestyle team or the nurses any valuable information you have about your loved one’s interests and positive memories from their childhood and earlier years. This will guide the Lifestyle staff in ensuring the lifestyle program for your loved one is perfect and effective for them.