Critical Critters sampler

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The disruption is apparent in the title. How critters ... can be critical? Actually this is a much more existential question than you might think. Life on Earth has evolved to such a level of complexity (and magnificence) that its very diversity is a critical condition for its permanence. You may say that life supports life itself. At the same time the concept of nature is still quite often misunderstood. For example, what is a forest? The green mass somehow hides the truth – the truth that is about the thousands of species of plants, animals, fungi and bacteria and the billions of living organisms that together interact and make up a ‘living forest’. These are the critters the book talks about.

I love the unconventional approach of this book, the way it highlights the extinction crisis and how ‘critters’ are disappearing fast.

We are losing species at a rate up to 1,000 times faster than natural rates. In the last 40 years, less than a generation, we have lost 60% of the vertebrate populations. Disturbing and astonishing.

And by the way this is not just about critters. If you imagine life on earth as a wall, the species are the bricks. If we are taking away one brick after another the wall of life will collapse. This is not just about the critters, it has a lot to do with us. We, our wellbeing, our economy, our social stability and even our happiness depend on healthy and rich nature. The air we breathe, the water we drink and use to produce crops and goods, the food and fibres that come directly from ecosystems, climate stability, rainfall patterns, pollination and so much more. Not to mention inspiration and amazement.

The undeniable truth is that we do not recognise the value of the ‘wild’ and we continue to take nature’s services for granted. We do great damage to the planet, failing to learn how to grow our economy without harming the environment. In the past 60 years we have seen an exponential acceleration of the unsustainable and wasteful use of natural resources. Whether you consider energy, water, timber, fish or fertilisers, all follow the same steep acceleration curve. If we continue to produce, consume and power our lives the way we do right now, forests, oceans and weather systems could be overwhelmed and seriously damaged.

But the inspiring news is that even though the planet is continuing to deteriorate, we are at the same time witnessing an unprecedented level of evidence, awareness and most importantly response. Climate instability, extreme weather events and water scarcity feature at the top of the World Economic Forum’s list of risks for businesses. Governments for the first time have come together on a global agreement on climate and the Sustainable Development Goals bring the world’s nations around an integrated agenda for society, economy and the environment. We are beginning to break the siloes.

We also know what to do. We have most of the solutions, from affordable renewable energy technology to ways to produce green commodities. We have entered a transition towards a more sustainable future. We must focus on scale and acceleration. Everyone can play a role in this. The way we choose our energy source, the food we eat, the way we invest our savings. All this can make a huge difference.

The main contribution of this book perhaps, is to draw our attention to the importance of the critters. Although climate change is becoming increasingly relevant and is now a cause of serious concern for many of us, too many people still fail to recognise the loss of nature and the sharp decline of wildlife. Climate change and the loss of nature are the two sides of today’s ecological crisis. It is critical to address both – and urgently. This is the most existential challenge our civilisation has ever confronted: to define a new sustainable relationship with the planet where we learn to live and develop within the boundaries of its finite systems and resources. We can do it.

Everyone is in it. There is no time to waste.

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How to Value a Species and Why We Should Care There is a thought that not all species are valued in the same way. It is considered that some Nongovernmental Organisations (NGOs) may prioritise their agendas and work to conserve certain species and decide which ones may prove to have some intrinsic human value. Is the last of the Willow Blister fungi, found in only one Welsh location, worth saving as much as a Black Rhino? It may be that there is a conservation pecking order. But isn’t all life to be appreciated? Do we, as humans, not take ugly people into hospital to be cured? Yes, we do. There is no beauty gauge as to which particular person we decide to help, so shouldn’t we treat all species the same way? Undoubtedly there is a discussion to be had.

In 2012, the ZSL (Zoological Society of London) and the IUCN (International Union for the Conservation of Nature) released Priceless or Worthless, a review of the 100 most threatened species that may be allowed to die out because there are no human advantages to keeping them alive and kicking. This does suggest that it’s a case of species discrimination. I think we should protect the ‘uglies’ as much as any other creature.

After all, everything has a mother and she would love her offspring – well, apart from the munching matriarchs that may occasionally eat their nearest and dearest. But that’s another matter.

I have just read the Living Planet report, which has been produced by the ZSL and the WWF (World Wide Fund for Nature). It is unpleasant reading as everything points to the fact that our wild creatures are facing the greatest period of mass extinction since the dinosaurs were wiped out 65 million years ago. That ancient extinction can’t be blamed on humans, but this present-day wipeout of species is pretty much all our fault and the worst of it is that we know how to stop this species decline but for one reason or another we choose not to. It’s all about our production and consumption. The way we farm, the way we eat, the way we share, the way we build, the way we energise and the way we live. We need to re-evaluate our relationship with the natural world and the environment we share with so many other species. It’s not too late but it is pretty damn close. After all, the world around us provides us with the tools to live, whether that be energy or resources, simple air and water, or the rewards of joy or contentment. Nature can be our inspirational muse, from whom we benefit physically, mentally and spiritually and we should look to support our greatest ally in our adventure of existing on this earth.

The Living Planet report starkly presents the reality that our populations of birds, fish, mammals, reptiles and amphibians declined by 58 per cent between 1970 and 2012. This trend means that by 2020 we may well have lost two-thirds of our wildlife unless we alter our usage of this planet.

We live in the Holocene Epoch, which is the current period of geologic time. This began approximately 12,000 years ago and replaced the Pleistocene Ice Age. Temperatures rose, glaciers retreated and forest replaced tundra. Creatures that had adapted to the extreme cold such as mammoths became extinct.

Humans had to resort to hunting smaller creatures, supplementing their diet with plant materials. And as our dietary requirements changed so did our use of the planet. Agriculture took root and we began

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adapting the earth to our needs and wants. With the advent of the Holocene Epoch came a more stable climate, and most notably it is the time within which human civilisation has developed exponentially: populations have boomed, urbanisations have sprung up and consequently we have grown into the species we are today. This has been the age of man. But once more change is upon us and we are potentially moving from one epoch into another quicker than has happened before – it is our influence and actions upon this planet that has accelerated this change.

New epochs are brought into existence when the world and its conditions change dramatically, and scientists seem to be in agreement that because of our treatment and alteration of this Earth, we have already created the next age. Welcome to the Anthropocene Epoch, in which the calm waters of the Holocene will give way to more turbulent seas.

So what are the terms and conditions that qualify for us to be living in a brand new epoch? The key factor is the significant effect of human activities upon the world’s geology and ecosystems. Over geologic time the start of a new epoch has often been marked by climate change, dramatic changes in the life forms on Earth, or by the occurrence of mass extinctions. Looking around me, it is beginning to look a lot like a new epoch is indeed upon us.

When did this happen? When did the Anthropocene Epoch begin? It has been mooted that it may have commenced with the Industrial Revolution, but now the consensus within the scientific community is that it should be considered to have started around 1950, soon after nuclear bombs were tested and then dropped as an act of war. This seems like a forceful marking point and moment in time to acknowledge change. Add to that the damage done by the recent inventions of plastic and concrete and it would appear that we have altered the planet in an enormous way. This is the age of pollution, radiation, habitat loss, extinction, bad economics and selfishness. Add other words as you see fit and realise that this period of time we exist in is like no other age. It is now so different to what we considered the Holocene Epoch that the change in epoch feels inevitable.

But there is also the thought that this mountain of disastrous damage done to the planet could be a jumpingoff point for a new way of life and we could become a somewhat different entity. Perhaps science fiction will prove to be correct and we will evolve into a more advanced species, learning from the mess we have created. Perhaps we will move forward, riding the digital and technological highway to transcend the follies of humankind and travel the universe armed with the knowledge of how not to do things and find somewhere new to colonise – and ultimately, perhaps intelligently, terraform our way across the galaxies. It seems impossible now – but so did Leicester City winning the English Premier League in 2016. (For nonfootball fans, Leicester City is an English football team who had never won a major title in their history and against all odds won the greatest English football prize, the Premier League, beating illustrious teams such as Chelsea and Manchester City to the title.) Plus an aficionado would tell you that it is highly improbable to happen again for a long time. You can think of your own against-all-odds analogy and insert as you wish to replace the Leicester City story. The most pressing issue is that humans need to find a positive way out of this mess. We can’t be so stupid as to destroy everything we have in this world, can we? Let’s hope not. Time to boost up those dilithium crystals and head for warp factor eight. We may need to get out of here fast – although it would be best to fix the damage done before heading off in search of new horizons.

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We await the decision by science to accept the Anthropocene Epoch into the geological time scale and then we will all be New Agers, living in our brand new self-created epoch. Bring it on and let’s see if we can find a way to turn over a new leaf and mark this new dawn with a positive twist. Saving the critters within this book would be a pretty good start.

Every time I watch animals in the wild or nature programmes on TV, I am struck at the levels of intelligence shown by so many creatures, an intelligence beyond instinct or survival, and I wonder if many species are much smarter than we give them credit for. Perhaps we refuse to accept their intelligence because we would then feel guilt for everything we have done to them. Do we call so many animals dumb or stupid because we can’t bear to accept the intelligence before us? What constitutes intelligence anyway? It surely must equate to the particular creature’s environment and place within it. All sorts of creatures utilise objects and use implements as tools to help them in their lives. Is this not intelligence? We know that crows can remember people, chimpanzees can recognise other chimpanzees and dolphins communicate with each other, yet we refuse to accept that this exchange between dolphins is a language. I remember when I was a kid I decided I wanted to learn Welsh and bought myself a Teach Yourself Welsh book. I loved it and I learnt a little. Cymru am byth (Wales for ever) has always stood me in good stead, but why can’t I get a Teach Yourself Dolphin book? Shouldn’t we be learning the languages of the animals? I believe they are there. OK, there are scientific arguments against the acceptance of language and most of it is to do with syntactic structures first described by Noam Chomsky in the 1950s. It is apparently all to do with the rules that govern the order of words. But don’t we, as humans, decide on these rules and their parameters?

What if there are other rules created by other species? Is everything judged by our experience of living?

Seemingly, yes. We are regularly told that there is a huge difference between language and communication and that the two are not one and the same thing. Perhaps our attempts at animal language recognition are not advanced enough to admit that we are not alone with our ability and instinct for language. Perhaps we have just been turning the wrong keys. But everything that we know about other creatures suggests that there is more intelligence within them than we are aware of and as we are changing the epoch maybe our thinking about other animals needs to change too. When do we start to admit intelligence exists within other species? When we decide to accept it, I guess. Then, just maybe, we will begin to treat them better.

Life should be a way to treat an animal. God bless Kurt Vonnegut.

NOTE: Ceri Levy is not a scientist, never has been a scientist, and probably never will be a scientist. He has recently completed a course in Crittology at Grossenheimer’s University, of which Dr Ralph Steadman is currently the principal, and was deemed fit enough to become a Professor of Loudmouth Chicanery. He is actively looking for further education within the world of Crittology conservation.

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The sound of Skype calls me to my screen. I answer it and there swimming before my eyes is a Humphead Wrasse. It makes sounds, ‘Blup,blup,blup.’ A Humphead Wrasse is conversing with me.

Yesterday I saw an abstract painting caused by spilt dirty water on a sheet of drawing paper, which Ralph left to dry overnight.

I thought the patterns and shapes that were formed by chance were quite beautiful. What was an aquatic-looking splattered watery sheet last night is now transformed and here we are today with our very first authentic and endangered real-life critter, the Humphead Wrasse. The lines that Ralph has drawn through the accidental painting are remarkable and quite take my breath away. He has captured from within the filthy water, the essence of the wrasse and has portrayed him in his inimitable style. Once Ralph bestows his Ralphness upon the fish I want to know more about it and what can be done to save it. Perhaps that is why an artist can get a message across in a different way to a photographer or scientist. It’s that coded communiqué within a picture’s painted DNA that hits the spot.

My words can only back up the meaning that Ralph paints and his work makes me want to be a participant in conservation and not an observer. Hats off to you, Ralph, my fishy friend.

It is the first critter to appear. The experiment has truly worked and I feel that this could be the best way to approach the subject. Maybe Ralph should splatter more pages and we can find more animals within the accidents that happen.

I am just about to suggest this to Ralph when he pops up from inside the wrasse’s aquarium and interrupts my racing thoughts. ‘Blup!’

Ceri: This is incredible. I adore him. It works so well, Ralph.

Maybe you should do some more accidental painting…

Ralph: I’ve already got several more sheets on the studio floor drying. Maybe we should experiment with this as an idea.

What do you think? Do you really think this one is any good? I quite like him as he’s got a certain look in his eye.

Ceri: Doctor Watson was always one step behind. I think it’s a perfect idea to do more. I love this picture. Something magical happened with that filthy wrasse.

Ralph: I think so. And dare I say it, it makes the thought of doing all these damn critters almost – and I say almost, bearable.

Ceri: It’s all in the technique from what I can see, and no doubt you will develop it further.

Ralph: Ha! Glad you like him. I’ll continue with the filth. Is that Jackie walking behind you? Jackie! What do you think of this fishy picture?

Jackie (my wife): I love it. The fish is amazing. I think it’s quite organic. It’s like where we all came from when we crawled out of the mud.

Humphead Wrasse Cheilinus undulatus The wrasse is found swimming through the Indo-Pacific coral reefs, searching for its staple diet of molluscs, crustaceans and starfish and would be quite happy to continue to do so with nary an agitated glance left or right.

But sadly, it’s a tasty critter for humans to devour and overfishing is the primary reason why the population is becoming depleted. For the moment it is considered as Endangered, but from experience we know it is not such a large step for it to become Critically Endangered. It is a giant of the reef with males growing up to two metres in length, while the female clocks in at up to one metre. If left to their own devices wrasse can live for over 30 years, and they aren’t mature enough to breed until they are eight years old.

Humphead Wrasse are involved in a complex relationship with their surroundings and play an important part in ensuring the continued existence of the fragile reef. They hoover up quantities of Crown-ofThorns Starfish, which eat growing corals, thus keeping the damage to the reefs to a minimum and helping keep the reefs healthy. If the Humphead Wrasse disappears, that is one less predator in the food chain. It will upset the equilibrium of the delicate underwater environment even further and could lead to yet more damage to the reef. Everything has its place in the ecosystem, but intensive fishing is endangering the wrasse. It is extremely popular as a luxury food in the live fish trade across Southeast Asia and is one of the most expensive live reef fish, coming in at $250–300/kg in China.

What is the live fish trade? That’s where you enter a restaurant and are shown to a fish tank and choose which one you want removed and cooked for your dinner. It’s akin to eating in an aquarium.

I have discovered a very interesting fact about the wrasse. Some of them are born female but undergo a sex change at around nine years of age, and then continue to live their lives as males up until their death. Nature is truly extraordinary.

In Malaysia, the WWF has been working on a reintroduction programme through a buyback scheme with local fishermen. Wrasse that were caught and were destined to be sold into the live fish trade have thus been reintroduced to the reef. Since 2010 over 860 wrasse have been released and swum back into their natural world. Much better than being in a restaurant’s fish tank.

Ceri: You should be writing this book.

Ralph: That’s a good point, Jackie, write that down, Levy.

That’s a good point indeed that we all came out of the dirty water and the slime.

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Ceri’s Diary: A portrait of a Mountain Gorilla thumps into my inbox. This is a close-up of an unhappy and deeply gloomy Mountain Gorilla. This is almost immediately followed by another picture showing the gorilla heading our way. The elements are really working in Ralph’s favour as this grumpy gorilla marches out of the dirty water and into view. These images are not perfect representations of the creatures they depict but they contain the essence of these animals, a spontaneous glimpse of all that is a Mountain Gorilla and it connects with me in a primal way. This is earthy and I can almost smell the gorilla, which is unfortunate, as the artist has portrayed the ape breaking wind. I apologise for Ralph’s toilet humour but I can imagine that a gorilla passing wind could be extremely noxious. I will look it up online… Excuse me for a minute… (Time passes.) Right, I have discovered some videos of said action and it is very similar to the human equivalent. I have also made the revelatory discovery that a Gorilla Fart is a name for a pretty potent cocktail. Who would have thought that? In case you want to make one up, here is the recipe:

Mountain Gorilla Gorilla beringei beringei May I introduce man to gorilla, for the two of you are extremely close relatives and as such shouldn’t we humans be looking after our family much better than we have? The Eastern Gorilla was considered to be a subspecies of the Western Gorilla but all that changed in 2001 when it was deemed to be a separate species with two subspecies of its own: the Grauer’s Gorilla and the Mountain Gorilla, which Ralph has depicted here. In 2016, the Eastern Gorilla was designated as Critically Endangered, with numbers of Grauer’s gorillas at an estimated 3,800, down from roughly 20,000 in the 1980s. The Mountain Gorilla, with a population of about 880, has been listed as Critically Endangered since 1996.

The Mountain Gorilla was first discovered in 1902 and inhabits two locations of montane and bamboo forest within the Virunga National Park, in the Virunga range of extinct volcanic mountains on the borders of the Democratic Republic of Congo, Rwanda and Uganda. It is also found in the Bwindi Impenetrable National Park in Uganda. The Mountain Gorilla can live for between 30 and 35 years in the wild and lives in sociable family groups led by one dominant silverback gorilla. (At about 12 or 13 years old, males reach maturity and develop silver fur on their backs, hence the term silverback.) This leader is more concerned about defending his group than his territory. These gorillas maintain a true sense of family, which we would do well to remember.

Over the century or so since it was first discovered, the gorilla has been threatened by habitat loss and poaching, and it has also been caught in the crosshairs of civil war and unrest with several fatalities reported. It had been hunted not just for its meat but also as a trophy and the infants were often sold as pets. This has more or less stopped now. Meanwhile, much of its habitat has been lost to land cultivation by impoverished locals and in 2004 illegal settlers cleared great swathes of the forest to create agricultural and

Take a shot glass. Pour 2/3 of a shot of whisky; add 1/3 of a shot of overproof rum and two dashes of Tabasco. Down in one and remove yourself from friends.

Some recipes call for crème de bananes (banana liqueur) to be added instead of Tabasco and to divide the drink into equal 1/3 measures. I guess it just depends on your mood, and whichever drink you choose I guess your mood will alter sufficiently to consider it a success or a failure depending on your own expectations. Maybe that’s what happened to this mountain gorilla. Too many shots down at The Gorilla’s Arms methinks. Right, back to the picture and the subsequent scientific stuff.

One can feel the misery of the gorilla as he strides towards the viewer. I know in one glance that he isn’t content with what life has concocted for him. His future is in doubt and he knows it.

But what can he do? What can any of us do? That is the answer we need to discover and we can only do that by asking the question first. Why is this creature in trouble?

pastoral land. As more people move into the area and tourists come to see the gorillas, they have become exposed to a series of human diseases and ailments. The flip side of this is that the money gorilla tourism brings in does contribute significantly to the conservation work.

There is a small silver (back) lining, as conservation efforts have meant that the population numbers of mountain gorillas have picked up, increasing from 620 individuals in 1989 to just under 900 today. Many initiatives are in place including reforestation, anti-poaching patrols and teaching locals about environmental issues, educating them about the gorilla and showing them how ecotourism can benefit them and bring money into their communities. It is a case of nurturing people and coming up with sustainable alternatives to activities such as illegal charcoal production, which destroys the gorilla’s habitat. The people have a major part to play in the continuing gorilla story and can keep their close relative going through the hard times. That’s what family does.

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Ceri’s Diary: It’s another night of studying the blots with Dr Steadman. He holds up the page and immediately I see it.

It’s obvious.

Hippopotamus

Ceri: It’s a hippo.

Hippopotamus amphibius

Ralph: Correction, It’s a belching hippo.

Ceri: How remiss of me to miss that obvious action. The hippo verily burpeth.

So, the Hippopotamus is a creature that is only considered as Vulnerable.

But hey, you got to draw what you can see in the Ralphschach inks and I think you’ll agree that this big fella is well worth seeing now that Ralph has completed him. And Vulnerable is Vulnerable. That still means it is facing issues and the hippo is not just breezing through life with nary a care in the world. Today’s Vulnerable species is potentially tomorrow’s Endangered species.

There are two species of hippos in Africa, one is the one we will discuss here and then there is the Pygmy Hippopotamus, which is much smaller and lives in the forests of West Africa and is considered to be Endangered.

The Hippopotamus grows up to 4 metres long and 1.5 metres tall, weighs up to 3.5 tonnes and can live up to 50 years. It is a Goliath of the animal kingdom and this herbivore inhabits the rivers and swamps of East Africa. Its main predators are lions, crocodiles and humans, but each one of these faces a possible beat down if the hippo is in the right mood. Ralph’s hippo is not actually belching, as this wide yawn is in fact a coded threat – it is showing off its teeth, which can bite a crocodile in half. So steer clear if you see one of these heading your way and you think it looks sleepy. Hippos have been wrongly misrepresented as sluggish, docile creatures when the truth is they are one of the most aggressive and dangerous animals in the world. A hippo can easily outrun a human, reaching speeds of approximately 25 kilometres per hour over short distances and it is estimated that 3,000 people a year are killed by not very happy hippos.

Original blot page – a Hippoblotamus.

The main threats away from natural predators are poaching and habitat loss. The Hippopotamus is hunted for its meat and ivory, found in the canine teeth and a dramatic increase in desire for hippo ivory was noticed when the elephant ivory ban was decreed in 1989. This has not abated and is a continuing story. Habitat loss is increasing as water gets diverted for agricultural purposes and large-scale developments are built in and around wetland areas, which in turn has led to a rise in human and hippo fatalities suffered in hippo–human conflicts.

It is vital to protect the hippo from further decline, as their place in the wetland ecosystems of Africa is crucial. In 1996 the hippo population was widespread and considered secure. Since then, we are seeing a species go into a downward spiral in too short a space of time. At the moment options are still being considered to plan a way forward for the hippo. But it does need help now so it’s no wonder this critter gets riled up and angry and lets out a roar instead of a belch. Wouldn’t you if you were thus threatened?

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The Visitation Ceri’s Diary: These pictures Ralph has been creating are his impressions of the animals, not perfect replicas of them but emotional responses to them, someone who admires them is the Father of Crittology, renowned art critteric and crittologist, Dr Bent Girders.

He has become a bit of a hero in our world, especially now that we know of the work that he has been carrying out on Toadstool Island at the Muckist College and, consequently, Ralph invited him to the studio to paint his portrait.

Ralph rarely bestows such an honour upon anybody but he was adamant that he wanted to meet Bent and to discuss whether he felt his art was moving in the right direction and whether it was worth doing a book about critters considering that everything seems so hopeless. The answer from Bent was a resounding yes.

Below is Bent’s article about his visit to meet Ralph, which was recently published in his magazine, enDanger.

Ralph Steadman’s Dirty Water Period

By Dr Bent Girders Having been summoned to the artist Ralph Steadman’s abode to be painted by him, I was nervous at the possible outcome of his sometimes vicious line and was curious to discover his views on critters and the desperate plight they find themselves in through no fault of their own. I had heard that he thought some were too ugly to live and that others were pointless or dangerous or just ‘damned unnecessary’. I hoped that this would turn out not to be the case and that I would find an ally for the creatures that I have devoted every waking moment towards. I would not be disappointed.

I found Mr Steadman to be charming, a raking wit and an innovator even at the tender age of 80, a birthday he had celebrated only days before our encounter.

On entry into the studio I see art everywhere. Ralph tells me to be careful, as there are large sheets of paper splattered with inky dirty water lying on the floor. ‘These are the latest blotted works and I am waiting for them to dry.

Once dry and after discussions with Ceri Levy they will be turned into the next endangered critters. It’s akin to reading tea leaves like a fortune teller, but with ink instead.’ Pointing to the ink-soaked sheets, he states, ‘That sheet over there, looks like a slippery varmint to me and this one looks menacing and that one doesn’t look like anything… yet. They all become something though.’ I start squinting, trying to visualise what these dripping pages may become and I ask how this unusual process began.

‘This all started one day when I accidentally spilt inky, filthy water from my work desk onto a sheet of paper and became entranced by the shapes that fanned out across the page and I realised this could be a technique I could utilise in my work. Now, at the end of every day I throw inky water onto a sheet of paper on the floor. Immediately the water spreads in different directions and shapes emerge and I let these form and dry overnight. It’s

an evolutionary process much like our own evolution. Everything comes from dirty water and so do these. There is an element of chance as to what they will become but it is seeing what to do with that chance which is most important. From filthy water come beautiful and interesting creatures that I hope people will engage with. The filth is the key.’

We tiptoe across the studio and find ourselves facing a pile of completed paintings. As we flick through them I see blotted page after blotted page, all converted from the initial stains and inkblots into critter portraits of great ingenuity and beauty. There is a freedom of thought and line in these images and I believe this is true alchemy in action, a conversion from one style and medium into another. Abstraction to figuration all because of the artist using his mind’s eye and departing on his alchemical journey. ‘These are my impressions of the critters, my response to them as I study them and get a feel for them. I’m not trying to draw perfect replicas of them. There are plenty of artists who do that and much better than I can. I just paint them in my way and I hope that is enough for people to respond to them even though some of them are so damn ugly.’

Ralph sits me down for the portrait session and then asks, ‘What is your inside leg measurement? It is essential for me to know to draw you properly.’

I reply honestly, ‘39 on the left side and 36 on the right.’ ‘That would explain your lilting wobble. Perfect! On with the drawing.’ And he draws and draws and draws. Then he tells me, ‘Right, time to draw you! Sorry, I forgot about you, had to finish off the Angel Shark.’ He picks up an altogether different sheet of filthy paper, looks at it and shows me a splatter of black and slimegreen. ‘This filth is definitely you.’ Silence reigns and this time I believe he is drawing me.

During this period of quietude I have time to reflect on his work and I cannot crittercise it. I find that I am responding to these paintings in a primal way, in a way that I have never connected with ‘animal art’ before. These are gestural works that are born out of the same artist’s pot used by abstract expressionists such as de Kooning, Franz Kline, Pollock and the Tachistes, including Marc Tobey, Georges Mathieu and Sam Francis. But there is something different about Mr Steadman’s work. Once blotted and dried, he draws out from the splatters, recognisable creatures, revealing critters from a world of lyrical figurative abstraction. Perhaps he has invented a new art form, perhaps he has not, but what is certain is that there is more empathic feeling for critters in this body of work than I have seen in an age. And the eyes! The eyes of his critters draw me in, they capture me and a visceral connection is made. I am lost to their owners. This is animal magic at work, conjured up by a sorcerer of art. I look back across the room at the drying paper and marvel at the inventiveness – from the painter’s very own wastewater, if you’ll pardon the expression, comes life. The critter world should be thankful to have such a champion of filth in their corner and I predict that this collection of critical critters will prove to be the filthiest book ever made.

(Reproduced by kind permission of Bent’s publishing company, Bent Out Of Shape And Then Back Again – also known as the catchy BOOSATBA.)

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Ralph emails: INDRI is here now and is the cutest critter I ever drawed! It looks so – unreal! Why is it here!? The leaf is a mess – I must add more interesting muck and bother to make it happen – perhaps teeth and a handbag!!!?? and did you see that programme on MINK, LYNX & other PELTS killed for Luxury Ladies – even the way they are kept in restricted cages – DISGUSTUDIOUS!!!

CERRIBUL!!!!

Ceri’s Diary: Ralph is right, this little fella is cute and yet still has a Ralph-induced crazed and boggle-eyed thousand-yard stare shining through. As he munches his way through the greenery of his lunchtime foliage, I feel the urge to scoop him right off the page and place him right beside me and get to know him more. But I fear this Indri would run riot through the house and would be more than anyone could cope with. This Indri is in a tree for a very good reason. It’s where he belongs and where we have to try and keep him.

Indri Indri indri The Indri is the largest lemur on the island of Madagascar and lives within areas of the rainforests from Anjanaharibe-Sud and Antohaka Lava, near Andapa in the north, down to the region of Anosibe An-ala in the south.

Deforestation has threatened much of its habitat, plus there is hunting pressure for its skin and meat. This has led to a predicted population reduction of up to 80 per cent over the next 36 years, hence it is now listed as Critically Endangered. Hunting is a recent phenomenon. It was often felt that the Indri was protected by traditional taboos, which are known locally as fadys, but these have been broken for several reasons including the immigration of different ethnicities as well as locals finding a way round the forbidden killing of the Indri as the meat is highly valued. The present-day levels of hunting are unsustainable and need to be halted. An educational programme has been suggested but so far has not been realised. Time is of the essence, otherwise there will soon be no Indree in a tri to si.

Indri indri is a Latin name I can remember. Short, simple, to the point and memorable. I wonder why these Latin names are as they are. And why is this creature named twice? There must be a scientific explanation and I need to know why. Give me a moment… I am leafing through my animal tomes. I shall have my answer. And indeed, now I have discovered why this happens.

The reason for this is simple. Indri indri is a tautonym.

Word of the Day Tautonym – A taxonomic name where the genus and species name are the same – e.g. Gorilla gorilla, Rattus rattus and Indri indri. By being named thus it means that the species is the type of the genus. Mystery solved, although I need to think about it and digest this fact. I have also discovered that tautonyms are fine for animals but forbidden for plants. Science, it gets me every time.

Binomial nomenclature is the system used to name species. This name consists of two parts, the first being the genus identifier and the second identifying the species within that genus. This name is known as the taxonomic name, or scientific name, or binomial name, or Latin name. In the case of Indri indri, the genus is Indri and the species within is the same, meaning that this creature is worthy of the football chant, ‘There’s only one Indri indri, one Indri indri…’ I’m sure the Indri would be happy with this, as his own plaintive and distinctive cry, which fills his Madagascan rainforest home, would not be out of place on football ground terraces when your side has just gone one down in the final minute of an important game.

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