Blazer Magazine 2016-2017 (Identity Edition)

Featured Artists

CONTRIBUTORS Stephanie Ages Tara Billy-Ashogbon Nathalie Clement Mirella Deng Nitara Duthie Hannah Haslam Tara Kindra Rachel Kamel

Sirui Lai Lavinia Rangel Sarah Rosenbloom Emma Ruzicka Emily Shinder Mubashir Syed Sarah Vickers Emma Walker

EDITORIAL BOARD Jane Amirault Rachel Cohen Yakin Ebsim Nick Garel-Jones

FACULTY ADVISOR C. Larock

DISCLAIMER This magazine is full of words opinions. Continue at your own

and risk.

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Cover: Jane Amirault and Nick Garel-Jones

yang |yaNG, yäNG| noun (in Chinese philosophy) the active male principle of the universe, characterized as male and creative and associated with heaven, heat, and light. Contrasted with yin.

Our generation is still at the stages of growing, improving and developing into the leaders of tomorrow. As such we have not yet gained enough chances to prove ourselves and display our full potential. Yin and Yang face the concept that duality forms a whole.

When something is whole it is unchanging and complete, when you split it into halves it creates a balance between each other.

The pureness and goodness cannot exist without evil or cruelty. When people view our generation as beautiful, the ugliness is created and apparent. The good and evil of a new generation compliment each other. Our generation would not be complete if there was no Yin or Yang, the negative and positive views.

we will never be

yin |yin|

noun (in Chinese philosophy) the passive female principle of the universe, characterized as female and sustaining and associated with earth, dark, and cold. Contrasted with yang.

People criticize our generation for not caring about our future and for not appreciating what we have.

These pessimistic views of selfishness, ignorance and naivety, can only exist with opposite and therefore positive sides to these arguments. The critical eyes judging our society do not recognize how we can change our own future and improve our society. We have already enhanced numerous innovations including technologies such as smartphones and social media platforms. The light found in the dark is our passion, dedication and drive for success; our generation is searching for that light against the constant darkness that is put on us. We should live the best lives we can and continue to make that light, our passion, more pronounced while our minds are still young and accepting.

known for nothing Words and Illustration: Stephanie Ages and Emily Shinder

!"#$%&' ()#**+ ,-./-01": Bonnie and Clyde, Tom and Jerry, Kim Kardashian and Kanye West, You all know these fresh school captains from their ever-present personalities but how well do you really know them? I sat down with the celebrities Ashbury, fasten your seat belts (and maybe your top-buttons), here's the hilarious, What’s the best part of having a co-captain of the opposite gender?

J: We get to share responsibility, it’s nice having someone to depend on.

More specifically, he brings a second perspective to things. He’s kind of like a “sounding board” (What an interesting simile for Anthony Cui) A: Jasmine has a different perspective on things and is connected to different people, which can be super helpful.

Who takes longer to get ready in the morning?

J: I swear Anthony spends 2 hours on his hair.

A: The hair takes at least 45 minutes. (Gotta keep that weave tamed) Any hidden talents?

J: I can catch grapes in my mouth pretty well. Is that a talent? I’m not very talented. (Catching food without choking? That should be a skill you put on a job application!)

A: I can make really really great scrambled eggs. (Wife that) How did you guys first meet?

J: Oh this is good. So we were maybe 12 or 13 and at the time and I was really into tennis. One day, I remember seeing this other new Asian boy walk into our club.

Interviewer: And you thought he was cute?

J: No I didn’t think he was cute. It was just random that he joined our group.

We had to do sprints across the court. He’s super fast, so he won all the sprints which I was upset about, but he didn’t beat me at tennis.

I remember our first day of grade 7 at Ashbury we saw each other and said “Hey we play tennis together” and then ended up sitting together in class for half a year. (Awwww, couple goals?)

Who has a higher IQ? J: Definitely him. Though in terms of life, I feel like if we were both thrown out on the street I would survive. (Burn) A: Jack Macmillan

Have you met each other’s parents?

J: Yes. His parents are really hardcore, they have their lives together but they’re really nice.

A: Sort of. (Ominous…)

2#3 41"053 2&-)6

Words: Anthony Cui Jasmine Mussani Interviewer: Rachel Cohen

Spaghetti and Meatballs, Jasmine Mussani and Anthony Cui. around school and their beautifully sculpted assembly announcements, themselves separately, to get the inside scoop. heartwarming, (sometimes) competitive exposé on your esteemed leaders.

What’s the biggest challenge you’ve faced together so far?

J: Well, he doesn’t like confrontation, which causes us to banter back and forth sometimes.

A: Cranking out speeches at 2 in the morning.

Something that annoys you about the other?

J: Lateness, and sometimes he takes naps in the middle of the night when we’re trying to write a speech.

A: Literally always snapchatting (CAUGHT) Last time you cried?

J: Watching dodgeball yesterday. It was so bad I cried.

(We feel you Jasmine) A: Watched a really cute Christmas video on Facebook.

If your co-captain can be caught blurting out a tune or two in the shower, what song’s on their mind?

J: Anthony sings all the time, so whatever’s on the radio.

A: Jasmine would be singing “Rich Gang – Lifestyle ft.

Young Thug, Rich Homie Quan” It’s 2am and you’re hungry. What do you grab as a late night snack?

J: A cookie. I’m an oatmeal raisin person, though.

(SHAME. These are the reasons we have laws.)

A: Nutella (Welcome to the light side Anthony) Favourite movie?

J: Inception A: Inception (THAT’S AN INCEPTION RIGHT THERE)

What do you think your co-captain’s biggest fear is?

J: Inadequacy (Deep) A: Missing Grey’s Anatomy (Even deeper)

You’re stuck on a desert island, you can only chose one person to be stranded with. Would Who is Anthony’s celebrity crush? you pick your co-captain. Or someone else?

J: For Anthony: Donald Trump J: *Moments of hesitation* I’d uhh pick Anthony although (Interesting…)

I feel like he would not help us survive.

A: I would pick someone else because I don’t want my co-captain to A: Emma Watson. Ohmygahd. be stuck on an island (Awwwwwwwwwwwwww he’s a charmer) (Very close!)

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Fall in love with yourself instead of who you pretend to be.

Your best will never feel like enough.

When you think it can’t get worse, it will.

People aren’t as scary as they appear to be.

Smile at strangers.

Always keep snacks on you.

Never settle for less than you deserve.

You are allowed to want to hurt yourself. That doesn’t mean you should.

Being nice really isn’t that hard.

Never start studying the night before the test.

Your mental health always comes before anything else.

Admit when you’re wrong.

Surround yourself with people that make you a better person.

Always bring extra clothes.

Never ask your parents for help with math.

Music will get you through anything and everything.

Sometimes holding on hurts you more than letting go.

Words: Hannah Haslam

Illustration: Emma Walker

To

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Shall life inher it Then . . away We’ll . what . .

We’ll . and đ&#x;”„ To . a .

Words: School Hymn and Rachel Kamel

CANADA

I love skating, snowboarding and all the activities we can do during the winter!

The winter! When the snow arrives, everything is more interesting.

CHINA

02

I love going to the movies with my friends, as well as playing videogames with them!

Our food! It is what I miss the most! Our traditions, as well, represent a big part of my culture.

BRAZIL

01

WHAT IS THE MOST INTERESTING THING ABOUT YOUR COUNTRY?

The thing that I love the most is when summer vacations come, and we can spend months at the beaches and camping!

Our diversity in everything: people, places, habits and culture. Our happiness, for me, is a kind of magic.

RUSSIA

WHAT DO YOU DO IN YOUR FREE TIME?

When I am not at the mall with my friends, I really like going to parks with them!

That´s what I miss the most.

People! Russians do not have a great reputation, but they are happy and open to people.

GENERATION Z AROUND THE WORLD OUR WORLD IS A MOSAIC OF COUNTRIES, CULTURES AND PEOPLE. THEIR DIFFERENCES AND SIMILARITIES TOGETHER FORM AN ENTICINGLY INTERESTING ENSEMBLE THAT NEEDS TO BE SHARED.

FOUR SIXTEEN-YEAR-OLD GIRLS FROM FOUR SEPERATE COUNTRIES ANSWER QUESTIONS TO SHOW THE CONTRAST BETWEEN THEIR NATIONS. HOW DO YOU SEE YOUR COUNTRY’S IMAGE AROUND THE WORLD?

03

Maple syrup and cold weather. I think people just know this, but if they try a little harder, they will discover an amazing culture!

People think that we use our traditional vests all day long! Our traditions are part of our culture, not all of it.

Samba and Carnival. It is interesting how people only think of this when talking about Brazil, but we are about much more!

Beer, and all kinds of alcohol. Russians drink a lot, but that is not everything about us. I think people should go to Russia more often to discover us!

Words: Lavinia Rangel and Students Illustration: Sarah Vickers

Words and Illustrations: Sarah Rosenbloom

ARE YOU AN AVID READER OR A PAGE SCANNER?

W

hy do we read the news? Is it our duty as

In addition, it isn’t fair to claim that news stations do not tell

making small-talk? Is it to make sure we are never

of viewers, ranging in all ages, professions and nationalities.

citizens?

Is

it

to

sound

intelligent

when

caught without something to talk about? For whatever reason,

in one way or another we find ourselves trying to pick up pieces of headline news wherever we can. Whether it be a cut-up sentence on Twitter, an enticing click-bait post on

Facebook or a passing headline on the bottom of the televi-

sion screen, we pick up on the events as brief summaries.

us what is relevant or pertinent to us, with their vast quantities It is the reader who has to make the effort to make connec-

tions, to read, and to keep up with news that pertains to them.

To assume everything we need to know will be handed to us on a silver platter, or rather a silver tablet, is illogical. Half the benefit of reading the news comes from being able to make new connections yourself, or else its just as good as regurgitated food.

We become aware of the deal struck between Iran and the

United States, Russia intervening in Syria or the toppling of Mo-

In addition, news can be saddening, it isn’t always meant

little to nothing about the true complexity of the conflict. It has

us depressed or in a state of stress is not quite fair either,

hamed Morsi in Egypt, yet beyond the headlines, we know

become evident that our skills at skimming and multitasking have left us with more negatives than positives. Now, when

we become impatient or unable to focus quickly on complex stories, we simply find another website or link to help us un-

derstand. Perhaps this is where print news will always prevail.

Take this article for example. Had it been online, would you have left the page once it seemed too lengthy and not the three-sentence long Yahoo! Answers response you wanted?

Knowing the “who, what, where, when” of a situation is never enough. The core benefit of reading the news lies in the “why”, without it, news flows in and out without affecting us or causing

us to contemplate about the real issue. Certain theorists, such as Rolf Doberlli, believe that the news desensitizes its readers, that

it is misleading, irrelevant and ultimately toxic to our health. It is

no surprise that news stations paint the world in a very biased

and narrow way, but by being rational and aware individuals, we can be more conscious and constructive of these stations.

to be laughable or entertaining. But to complain that it makes since being ignorant that these events exist and occur is equally as bad. It does not seem fair to complain that read-

ing the news risks of “impairing our physical health” when there are real human beings suffering from those exact same

catastrophes or issues, conditions far worse than browsing through the CNN app on your iPhone 6. What is worse is being enveloped in your own personal bubble of contentedness, making you unaware and disengaged with the world.

The real question shouldn’t be to cut out news altogether or to keep up with it every hour of every day, since both polar options are damaging. It is smart news reading that should

be encouraged. It seems like a simple task, but it demands that you become more focused and concentrated. Read every

word, don’t skip, don’t scan and don’t speed through. Ask ques-

tions, be contemplative, learn about the background of these conflicts, learn about the effects it can have locally and internationally. Knowledge holding differs entirely from knowledge

owning; own your knowledge and be an intelligent consumer.

EDITORIAL Words: Yakin Ebsim

Dear Abby 21st Century

The following are 100% real questions submitted by nondescript individuals but generally made up. No cats, mirrors or dinosaurs were harmed in the process.

Names have been altered for identity protection from the shame that will follow.

Dear 21st Century Abby, I recently listened to a techno song on the radio and can’t get it out of my head. But I can’t find what it’s called no matter where I look… its mostly beats but one part of the song goes like this: So it gets really low and then the beat starts picking back up and then it’s like: Du dun du dun Dun du dun dun Du dun dun dun du dun dun dun Dundundundundundundundundoooo Er er er er er er ER ER EERR DUN dun dun dun I’m sorry this isn’t the best description but I was hoping maybe you could think of really good techno songs and maybe you’ll know it.

Dear 21st Century Abby, Should I tell my parents that I’m adopted? I don’t want to make them disappointed because they love hockey and I can’t seem to understand what’s going on. I should save them the trouble and tell them the truth. They might not like hearing it, but they would find out eventually.

From Coming Clean Dear coming clean, You have a very logical mind. I should be taking advice from YOU. My friends all love Justin Bieber and I have no idea whether I should too. Should I tell them I’m adopted as well? Your fast reply is appreciated.

Yours, 21st Century Abby

Dear 21st Century Abby,

From Techno Trouble.

What does it mean when my cat says meow? My cat keeps saying meow to me and I can’t understand what’s wrong.

Dear Techno Trouble.

From Cat Confused

Hmm, I’m not sure. Maybe you could be just a little bit more specific?

Dear cat confused,

Yours, 21st Century Abby

Yours, 21st Century Abby

It means it’s a cat.

Dear 21st Century Abby,

Dear 21st Century Abby, Do you know if it is possible to use a background that would essentially turn my computer monitor into a mirror? Scanning a mirror isn’t working.

From Mirror Man

I’ve been really into conspiracy theories this year, and there’s something that’s been bugging me.

Do you think that NASA invented thunderstorms to cover up the sound of space battles? Every time it rains I hide inside my closet, waiting for the earth to explode.

From Conspiracy Craze

Dear Conspiracy Craze,

Are you kidding me?

Sure it is. Did you also know that the moon is just a hologram and dinosaurs helped to build the Egyptian pyramids? Also all the world leaders are lizard aliens in human disguise. Have fun sleeping tonight!

I can’t even, 21st Century Abby

Yours, 21st Century Abby

Dear Mirror Man,

Dear 21st Century Abby, There’s a guy in my grade that I really like. But I have no idea how to ask him out and it’s killing me.

I’ve spent hours scrolling his Facebook and Instagram feeds to find out his interests, but I still can’t work up the nerve to talk to him. Prom is coming soon, and I need him to notice me before then. Help!!!

From Love-struck Teenager Dear Love-Struck Teenager Even with all my infinite wisdom, that is the one question that stumps me. Leave subtle hints like scribbles of your name all over their books and locker? Or go big by making a huge show prompting the individual to accept you? Mail me if one of these approaches works for you, considering you’re not given a restraining order.

Not yours, From 21st Century Abby Words: Tara Billy-Ashogbon

Image: Nitara Duthie

Models (left to right): Anthony Cui, Iori Komori, Nikki Denison, Lucas Ratigan

STRIVING FOR PREFECTION

Interviewing Our beloved student leaders Name: Mario Bassi Position: Student Life Prefect Describe yourself in three words?

Risk Taker.

Who is your favorite power ranger?

The red one, he runs the show.

How many Taylor Swift songs do you listen to every day?

I’m pretty sure I listen to a solid, like, three.

How many people fall in love with you everyday?

Excluding Bennett? None.

Any parting words to your fab team of fellow prefects?

(Cue confident grin). RISE. They’ll get it.

Name: Sarah Ashton (Sash or Sashton) Position: Academic Prefect Describe yourself in three words?

Cool, Calm and Collected (most of the time anyways).

If you could be a Disney Princess, who would you be?

Ariel obviously…who wouldn’t want to be a mermaid?

Be honest, what do you do during spares?

I’d like to say I’m very productive, but usually I find the furthest cubicle from the rest of human life and nap.

Finally, and this one is important, what do you think cats dream about?

Probably dogs?

But seriously though. Can you give us any intelligent level 7 on the IB scale advice for the students you’re leaving behind?

The correct answer is always (C).

Name: Michael Nwabufo (Swaggy P) Position: Internationalism Prefect Describe yourself in three words?

Charismatic, Sexy and Driven.

Say there’s a whole tray of s’mores in a room all by themselves and I told you not to eat any until I got back. How long would it take you to dig in?

Pfft. I’d eat them right in front of you.

How long does it take you to scroll through Facebook before giving up?

I can go for a solid half hour to be honest.

Who would win in a fight between batman and superman?

Batman. He’s richer.

Can you give us some wise, soul-searching words?

Stay cool, beat the stress, be the best.

Name: Molly Bieber Marland, (Also known as Molls balls, pork chop and pound cake. I don’t really care for the latter two though :/) Position: Athletics Prefect Describe yourself in three words?

Enthusiastic, Fun-Loving and Empathetic.

If you could be any celebrity, who would you be?

Probably Pablo Casals.

If you could be any teacher for a day, what teacher would you be, and why? I would be a Phys-Ed teacher, so I could be up in the gym working on my fitness, gommers my witness ;).

If you were trapped on a mountain and could only take four items, what would they be? Justin Bieber, toothbrush, my dog Dougie, and a giant helium balloon to carry me back.

Any motivational words to keep the rest of us going when life gets stressful and exams roll around? If you’re not prepared to work hard, don’t bother. If you are, put your party hat on.

Words: Tara Billy-Ashogbon and Prefects

Image: Sirui Lai

HOW TO BE LIKE BLE Angela Kleideurkreischel (pronounced an-jell-uh) woke up in her galaxy onesie at 645 AM. Springing out of bed, she proceeded to do her hair and makeup. After her morning routine was complete, she continued to post her daily morning selfie, captioned with the hashtag “#IWokeUpLikeThis.”

Angela giggled, since she had not woken up like that, and took pride in fooling her followers into thinking she was prettier than she was. However, everyone knew Angela did not wake up like that. She went downstairs, her mom emphatically greeting her with “Good morning, sunshine!” Angela responded with a blunt "Ew, mom," but only after she had waited the obligatory 3 minutes before replying. She checked her selfie on Instagram, and she was ashamed to discover that it had only garnered 37 likes in 12 minutes. She convinced herself that it was purely because it was the morning. Nevertheless, she texted all her friends to go like and comment on how pretty she was.

Being a basic b**** , as usual, her mother offered Angela some cereal. Disgusted at her consumerist sellout mom, Angela refused the calorie-heavy boxed food in favour of a homemade green smoothie. Today, she incorporated spinach, banana, kale, and unsweetened almond milk.

However, as she didn’t like the taste

of healthy foods, she added 2 tablespoons of raw cane sugar, give or take 6 As she waited for her superfood smoothie to blend, she scoffed at her oblivious mother, who was still enjoying her cereal. Angela wondered how anyone could be so unconcerned. After her smoothie had blended, she spent nearly 12 minutes trying to get the perfect picture of it for her Snapchat story. Once the angles were set, the lighting was flawless and she chose the correct filter, she swiped right to place her “Angela’s House” geofilter – it was her Christmas present. Unfortunately, by the time she posted the photo, it was time to go to school. Angela poured the smoothie down the drain, but she was content with herself, as she needed to lose a few pounds anyway.

Angela’s mother kindly offered her a ride to school, but she refused, partly because she wouldn’t be seen dead in public with her parents, and partly because driving was “too bougie” (“bougie” is a truncated version of bourgeois, coined by the Millennials, since bourgeois was too bourgeois.)

Angela slipped on her UGG boots and made her way to school.

She walked past the Starbucks and decided to treat herself to some fair trade coffee, as she does every day.

After waiting in line for half of first period, Angela finally received her daily order: a non-non-fat non-soy venti caramel Frappuccino with 2 shots of decaf espresso, no whip and extra sauce.

Before drinking any of it, she posted the photo of her beverage on Instagram.

Once Angela arrived at school, she went to her second-period class.

10 minutes in, she realized that the decaf espresso shots she demanded in her beverage were in fact just caf.

She asked to go to the bathroom so

that she could cope with the fact that her world was crumbling around her. After ingesting that caffeine, how was she supposed to get her prolonged nap in biology to make up for the hours for which she binge-watched Netflix the night before? She began to wonder how the other, less popular and less beautiful students in her grade managed to juggle the many facets of 21st century living. After coming to terms with her perpetual consciousness, she returned to class and decided to make the most of it by shopping for prom dresses online.

After class, Angela strutted through the hallways to get to her locker, making sure to take the time to smile and greet her disciples along the way. Angela had gym next, but there was no way she was going to break a sweat, especially since she had to take her grad photos later. As such, she spent the next hour fixing her hair and makeup.

Angela made her way to the media room so that she could take her grad photo. The kind photographer lady was attractive, but not enough to threaten her. Once the woman had positioned Angela, she counted down from 3 and the flash went pop while lighting up Angela’s face. Just then, Angela flashed back to a few months prior, when she had her mug-shots taken. Angela had been involved with a drug and prostitution ring so as to garner the attention of her parents, who were often too preoccupied with their work. After this relapse, Angela dropped out of school to pursue a life on the streets- how edgy!

Words: Nick Garel-Jones

Image: Jane Amirault

Image: Sirui Lai

y l l WERE YOU rea

Born in Your Generation?

What generation are you born in?

Silent Generation 1923-1945 Baby Boomers 1946-1964 Generation X 1965-1974 Generation Y (Millennial) 1975-1995 Generation Z 1996-2015

What’s the best TV show of all time?

The Brady Bunch MASH I don’t watch TV House Hunters I Love Lucy

Who is your favourite singer?

Glenn Miller Frank Sinatra The Beach Boys Taylor Swift Mariah Carey

What’s your favourite kind of music?

Disco Pop/ R& B Folk Rock Swing/Jazz Blues

Which is the best book of all time?

Divergent To kill a Mockingbird Lord of the Rings The Grapes of Wrath Matilda

Which expression would you use?

WTF!!!

Bombdigity Can you dig?

Buggin/ trippin Damn skippy

What’s your most used form of communication?

Snail Mail E-Mail Text Snapchat DM Instagram

What’s your favourite style of dancing? (Ex: waltz) Twerking The Twist The Swing The Hand Jive The Alligator

How would you like to spend a Saturday afternoon?

Go to the museum Netflix and chill Host an evening party Watch TV all day Take a nap

Silent Generation: You’re part of the Silent Generation! You’re an oldie and enjoy chillin’ out and swinging to a jazzy beat! You’ve got refined, classic taste and don’t settle for less than the best. You can’t understand how people don’t appreciate the classics, but you have a heart of gold!

Baby Boomers: You’re a Baby Boomer! Can you dig it? You love to sing along to the blues and karaoke to Frank Sinatra. You are a softie underneath all the laziness and you love going old fashion … but not old as in writing letters, typing emails are your thing!

Generation X: You’re part of Generation X! You love the Beach Boys and are very excitable! You love to chat with your friends on text, but prefer to spend your days off chilling at home watching TV! Your favourite show of all time is The Brady Bunch.

Generation Y: You’re part of Generation Y! You’re a 80s child! You’re bubbly and fun!

You love to break it down and get funky with it! You’re a funny person and can laugh at yourself, which is a great quality.

Generation Z: Wanna take a selfie? You’re part of Generation Z! You’re modern and can’t imagine living without all the latest trends. You are super cool and keep up with all the new trends!

Words: Mirella Deng and Nathalie Clement

EAVESDROPPING “Don’t they have like McDonald’s at Guantanamo Bay?” Grade 12, male “I don’t know what to do now.”

“Do you wanna go to Starbucks?”

“No I mean like life-wise.”

“Do you wanna go to Starbucks?”

2 Grade 11 females

“Kkk wait I have a favour to ask of you.. Can you look up my nose??” grade 12 female

“Sleeping is my favourite part of the day - I can’t wait until I die so I can sleep forever!”

Grade 12, female “In my building, half the people just never pay rent until they’re evicted.”

Male caf staff member

“I’m not sure if you’ll like the chicken…”

Male caf staff member

“You know how scientists take giant squids out of the deep ocean to experiment on them and then let them dry out? That’s what Julianne Moore looks like.”

Grade 10, female “Sometimes I like watching movie trailers at night and then I’m like WOaH IT’s 1 aM!!1!!”

Male teacher

“Wait how have you been living without a phone??”

Grade 10, female *Purposely bumps into friend* “Oh sorry man didn’t see you there, I was too busy blocking out the haters.”

Grade 9, male “I feel like my life revolves around university now more than it will when I actually go there.”

Grade 12, male

“One time I was in this guy’s car and we drove past a bunch of ‘goose’ and he said ‘watch this!!!’ And honked the horn and shot them all.”

Grade 11, male

“Of course I’ve had a dumpling but like I haven’t sucked the juice out of one…”

Grade 11, male “I’m still annoyed that you can’t get pennies for change anymore.

Why are you laughing? Sometimes 3 cents can change your life.”

Grade 12, male “Dude, dude, du-dude. Can you come to the washroom with me? I don’t wanna go by myself cause every time I go by myself I’m afraid people will like judge me.”

Grade 12, female “I didn’t realize my dad was white until I was like 7.”

Grade 12, female

ASHtrology See what the stars have in store for you!

Aries (March 21 – April 20) Best to calm that impatient nature of yours Aries; the stars spy a lengthy Southward speech at upcoming Assembly. Rage will be more constructively channeled into Meatless Monday.

Best day for a breakdown: Monday Taurus (April 21 – May 21) Planet movement on Thursday could leave you on shaky grounds with a friend, but a dependable Taurus knows how to extend the olive branch by lending answers to last night’s homework.

Best day for a breakdown: Saturday Gemini (May 22 – June 21) Your stars are in fiery Mercury right now so don’t bother asking; it will be on the test.

Best day for a breakdown: Any day really Cancer (June 22- July 23) Calm attitude is key when teachers reprimand you for uniform infractions again this week. But with your moon heading towards Jupiter, who has time for a top button?

Best day for a breakdown: Wednesday Leo (July 24 – August 23) Stars heading for Pluto mean some evil forces could be out to get you this week. Try not to get pouty if you lose a few Communication marks this week, Leo. Best day for a breakdown: Friday Virgo (August 24 – September 23) Wild star displacement may cause a series of unfortunate events that have you blaming the school. Instead of dying your hair an unnatural colour or choosing not to shave for a day, revolt in a less drastic way to avoid the absolute chaos that would ensue.

Best day for a breakdown: Tuesday

Libra (September 24 – October 23) After getting through the pile of work the “planets” graced you with earlier this week, this Libra deserves some weekend fun! Provided the shame of your wholesome celebrations are kept outside of Ashbury’s community.

Best day for a breakdown: Sunday Morning Scorpio (October 24 – November 22) No moon in sight, because you’ll be going without sleep for at least 3 consecutive days this week!

Best day for a breakdown: When you can muster the energy for feelings

Sagittarius (November 23 – December 21) Romantic potential is blossoming with stars circling Venus, Sag! However, both the stars and general population would like to remind you that PDA at school will leave you friendless.

Best day for a breakdown: Wednesday Capricorn (December 22 – January 20) Clubs, co-curriculars, and classes – this is looking to be a busy week for you, Cap! Keep grounded by satisfying your followers with yet ANOTHER aggressive Tweet about how much you hate the school, and let your stars handle the rest of the dirty work.

Best day for a breakdown: Tuesday Aquarius (January 21 – February 19) Family trouble may have you feeling down this week, but with your planets aimed towards the Ivy Leagues, a healthy reaction to pain just isn’t written in the stars for you!

Best day for a breakdown: You can’t afford to have one for the next few years

Pisces (February 20 – March 20) With your stars slowly drifting away from earth, it’s important to keep that Pisces ego in check by reminding yourself that you’re only an insignificant cog in the machine that is this corrupt school system!

Best day for a breakdown: Saturday Night

Words: Jane Amirault