FLOAT. Zenith Imhere

I can’t say for sure how I’ve survived mentally these 32+ years. I don’t question it though. If I don’t know, it’s ok. It’s nothing wrong with not knowing everything. There's nothing wrong with not being able to understand everything. I change and learn as the days go by. New habits … old habits. Slow day … fast day. Aware day … here but not here day. But every day I continue to BE. Ive been stressed and deeply depressed. Didn’t want to take medication. I just aim to make sure my low days are rare. (My Scale: Never … Rare … Sometimes … Often … Always). Life is what it is. So how am I going to make the best of it? I strive to stay as positive as possible in whatever is occurring at the time. I have to have faith in my self. That is my strength. Who am I without me. Life has been driving me crazy forever. From being afab (assigned female at birth). To now, being free in my authenticity. Growing up, I dealt with societies so called norms when it came to gender roles and sexual orientation. But I stood up for myself as much as I could. My own family doesn’t even know how their actions and support, or lack of, affect me to this day. Not past indiscretions, but as they occur now. Definitely was raised on respecting my elders who didn’t even listen nor respect me - just ludicrous. I chose to make and take my own path in 2019 when I started my transition. How could that be worse than what we are presently subjected to with all this chaos in the world? Modern day slavery just keeps advancing. I’m simply living my life while abiding by all laws. The crime is in the bullying I face from rules, codes, regulations and stipulations America puts on Transgender lives. Even though spouts of rebellious rage try to ensue me, I lived and learned from a past experience that landed me in prison. I survived 9 years in prison. I survived prison yal. Physically, emotionally, and mentally. And yet I’m still scarred from my lived experience while incarcerated. And then I come home and feel as if people have lost their common sense and others haven’t even been taught the concept of it. Mental health is real. And we can be blind to our own decline. I know I’m good at blocking things out. Thought I was doing something. Next thing you know, I learn that blocking things out doesn’t mean that I’ve let it go. So it will always wither and fester like a tumor. Whether it happens fast or slow. So being aware or as tuned in with your self … mind and body … keeps you ahead of the game. I’m a sucka for positivity: nice words, quotes, food for thought, affirmations, etc. I’m an introvert but stay outside. So I fight off what I know I shouldn’t be battling in the first place. It has no space here. Get gone negativity. Get gone my own personal barriers. I have to win. Hate being the center of attention, but I’ve spoken on panels, news interviews, and I’m acting. All engaging activities. That’s a stressor but I’m stretching it thin to none. I have to keep my head up. I have to keep moving forward. I have to show up because I can and I want to. I have to stay strong … no one else can do it for me. Well, mental health doesn't have nothing on me. I will keep showing up and showing out. As Janelle Monáe said, “I used to let [people] get to me I used to be my own enemy Now I done had several epiphanies … Had to forgive all my frenemies. They are not who they pretend to be, I had to protect all my energy I'm feelin' much lighter, now I Float”