JANU ARY 2023
Open Letter..
ISSUE#028
a word.
TamaraSanaaLeigh Editor-In-Chief
I've written this a couple times and it just hasn't felt right. Now, as I write, it is January 1st, 2023. Maybe I needed to get here to find the words. It has been a ridiculously hard couple of years. 2022 wasn't 2020 but it still was at times excruciating. I feel like the world fell apart around us in 2020, 2021 we were the walking dead trying to figure which way was up and 2022 was about digging deep to figure out who we were, look at the situations around us and get ready for 2023. I personally made some MAJOR changes in that 3yr stretch. Under pressure, stress, grief, sadness, loss, lack and depression are NEVER a good time to make life changing decisions. But sometimes thats what it takes to move us. I left and/or lost some of the things that meant more to me than anything else in the world. They were things that I felt like defined me, they were things that I thought would be a part of my life forever. There are endless possibilties behind unopened doors but that doesn't make them any harder to open or any less sad to close them behind you. But that is change, change is life and life only stops if you let it. And it's so, so short- why would you miss a minute of it? Meanwhile, 2022 with all that introspection and contemplation, I think alot of us found some amazing and beautiful things out about ourselves. I think we took new risks and found new hope and started opening up some of those new doors- by choice or by necessity. Even Blaque/OUT made some amazing jumps. In 2023, we are OFFICIALLY a subscription-based magazine! It is a HUGE level-up so make sure you support these phenomenal Black & Brown Creatives and subscribe to Blaque/OUT Magazine (www.blaqueout.com). I can't let the first issue of the year pass without thanking each and every reader, each and every subscriber but above all else, each and every writer, artist, photographer, thinker and influencer who make Blaque/OUT what it is. I might be the heart but they are literally everything else! Also a huge thank you to Javannah Davis and Brittan Hardgers who have been with us since the very first issue. You've both kept this thing alive in moments I didn't even have the heart to. Thank You! Happy New Year to and from the entire Blaque/OUT Family!
THE OLD MAN'S E.L. WINSTON CORNER As an adult, I understand why I was sad so much while I was growing up and why as much as I loved you I never liked you. Your military mindset and hard exterior was hard on a young kid trying to figure out who they are. Some of your personal views and flaws made it hard on your whole family. You discouraged any sign of me being my authentic self and I understand now that it was a different time. You and mom were older when you had us and you were set in your ways.
Rochelle J Photography
Dear Dad, I find myself thinking about you more as I get older and as I write this I'm filled with so many different emotions. I think of you more now because I can see a lot of you in me. You are in the way I parent and in the way I approach life. It hasn’t always been the best, so some of those things I've had to look at and change. I guess I should start by telling you that even though the lessons you were teaching my twin weren't intended for me, I was paying attention the whole time. You thought you were raising a son and a daughter instead of two sons. I picked up those life lessons and because of them: I'm a good man, father, husband and brother.
My twin and I discuss you alot as adults and our views of you have surprisingly flipped. I'm more understanding where he is more critical of our childhood. While he is mourning the things he missed, I am grateful for the things I gained. It's because of you I work so hard. Remember? A man who doesn’t work doesn’t eat. I have the heart of service. I give mom the credit for that but truth be told it is a combination of you both. I don’t remember a time when I didn’t see you going out your way to help someone. It wasn't all bad, Dad. I want you to know that I appreciate you making us study the African American History Encyclopedias. The fact that you bought the whole set from that college student that summer showed me two things: 1. That we as people of color have to support one another 2. That the education of your children is very important.
You told us that they could take a lot from us but our mind was not one of them and to continue to educate ourselves outside of school every weekend.
A Letter to You Some, Maybe to Myself Mostly,
I've said, bunches of times, over the years that I don't ever want to feel this way ever again or I'm not going to put myself in the position to. But I did- again and again. Because I felt like I loved you so much, it was just the highs and the lows you go through in the process of loving someone and having their back, staying true as they grow and evolve. But I think I did both you and I a real disservice with that. I think I robbed us, by not having high enough boundaries and standards, from what we could have been. And I do apologize for that. I grieve it and I mourn it for both of us. Because the honest to God truth is, the way you chose to handle things, as your friend or more or whatever we've been, was unacceptable. That last weekend or the thousand times before. I deserve better than that. I've had to deal with like endless truths in the last few weeks. I had to or I'd die. Because I was breaking. Because I'd just end up dying slowly or killing myself if I didn't. So some truth. I do want to be the only woman in your life. I want you to kiss me and hold my hand in public. I want to spend weekends layed up together watching movies. I want you to kiss me in rain storms in the back yard and lean over to tell me you love me and kiss me for no reason at all. I want you to f&^k me on every free surface in the house. Everything you did a few months ago but every day, all the time. But not because you're sad or lonely or bored- or whatever that was. I want you to choose me the way I've always chosen you. I want that. I deserve that. I don't want to be left behind while you pursue other things and people. It's less than I want, it's less than I deserve. I deserve to be loved fully without breaks or pauses. Even on my bad days. Even when I get on your nerves. Publicly- outloud. Not guilted because what you offer is less than what I give or less than what I want. Not for show but because you're proud of it and don't care what anyone else thinks. And thats not what you want or least not what you're willing to do. At least not with me. I don't understand because we are SO DOPE together. I probably won't ever, but I do respect it. Or maybe I just respect myself enough to know what I want and what I'm worth. Which is never what I got from you. Because I can't do any more 'give me some more time' or 'don't give up on me' s. And so this is done for me. I'm not ready to say goodbye to you. But I am ready to say goodbye to feeling less than and not enough and that I deserve to be praised one minute and yelled at or ignored or passed over the next. I don't want to be that person anymore. I'm ready for the love I deserve, even if its just loving myself enough to know I deserve to be loved by somebody else like that too.
A lil insight for the new year as you step into 2023
Capricorn This year Cap, you are taking control of your life! You’ll have the energy, enthusiasm and experience to accomplish whatever you set your mind to. You’re not only blazing trails for yourself, you are inspiring and leading the way for others. You get frustrated with the way others move but just remember thats only when you sit back and allow them to guide the way. This year go under, fly over or step around! Blaze your way and light the path for the folks that have been holding you or themselves back.
AQUARIUS This year for you is ALL about new beginnings. Cut off what isn’t working, let go of people, places and things that no longer serve you to open up the door to what is next for you. Stop holding on out of comfort, familiarity, fear or laziness. Shed that extra stuff whether it’s people, physical things or emotional baggage. Time to let things go so you can spread your wings. You aren't afraid of much, time to act like it!
PISCES This is a year to challenge yourself Pisces. No wishy-washy behavior. Get focused and determined and make stuff happen. Travel… not just to Atlanta- think Portugal or Senegal! Think bigger! Take the lead in the situation and in your own life! Be prepared to for unpredictable outcomes and be a little unpredictable yourself. You weren't maent to live in the shadows.This is your year to boss up.
ARIES Your focus this year should be balance. Don’t overspend or force yourself to go without. Balance how you play, how much you work, how you live and how you think. There will be some days that you feel like you don’t have enough and some where you feel like you can splurge and do whatever. Don’t fall into either. Work on finding balance in all things regardless of external circumstances. With balance comes peace and you need some of that this year. Whether it means learning to budget or starting to meditate- seek balance and then when the world is swirling around you, you’ll still be able to maintain that peace.
TAURUS You are a lover of beauty and comfortable things. But you sometimes get caught up in so much that you miss it. This is a year to create, to nurture, to love yourself and grow. It’s a year to cultivate art, business and ideas. Don’t rush too much though, this is a time to feed seeds before they fully bloom. Birth things. Also don’t be afraid to open your mind and heart to things that you misread or were wrong about. You love to grab an idea or thought pattern and ride it whether it's working for you or not. Give yourself the grace and gift to reevaluate what you may have misjudged and missed out on. You know you aren’t always right, but you’ll sometimes just continue on the path because you don’t want to admit you were wrong or just because it seems like you already went too far to turn back. But each time you do that, you are selling your life short. Be willing to change directions and change your mind.