Melanated Queen Quarterly Summer 2020 Edition

S U M M E R

2 0 2 0

I S S U E

WHEN YOUR RELATIONSHIP NEGATIVELY AFFECTS YOUR MENTAL HEALTH

"...AND "...AND THEN THEN II STARTED STARTED TO TO HEAL" HEAL"

SIX SIXWOMEN WOMENSHARE SHARETHEIR THEIR JOURNEY JOURNEYTO TOMENTAL MENTALWELLNESS WELLNESS

WHY BLACK TRANS PAIN MATTERS AND WHY BLACK WOMEN SHOULD CARE KANDICE BENFORD IS OUR

MELANTED QUEEN OF THE QUARTER

RITA BRENT TELLS US, "IT AIN'T FUNNY"

"A Sistah is more than just a girlfriend, she is that voice speaking to you reminding you who you truly are."

-Black Women DO Heal

CONTENTS

PAGE 6 THE EDITOR'S NOTE

PAGE 7 CONTRIBUTORS

PAGE 10 FOOD FOR THE SOUL

PAGE 21 "...AND THEN I STARTED TO HEAL"

CONTENTS

PAGE 31

THAT BLACK GIRL LIFE

PAGE 33

GENERATIONAL WEALTH

PAGE 36

BEHOLD BEAUTY

PAGE 44

MENTALLY SPEAKING

PAGE 48

LIFESTYLE: LILLIE'S CORNER

PAGE 56

DIVINE DESIGN

PAGE 63

TEAM SPOTLIGHT

PAGE 42

LIFESTYLE: ASK JEN

PAGE 46

RELATIONSHIP GOALS

PAGE 51

MELANATED QUEEN OF THE QUARTER

PAGE 59

BLACK AROUND THE WORLD

EDITOR'S NOTE AUGUST 2020, MQ SUMMER EDITION: CURRENTLY, WE ARE EXPERIENCING UNPRECEDENTED TIMES. WITH COVID-19 TAKING THE WORLD BY SURPRISE AND THE LONG-AWAITED

ADVANCEMENT OF THE BLACK LIVES MOVEMENT, IT IS IMPERATIVE MORE THAN EVER TO TAKE CARE OF OUR MENTAL WEALTH. WHILE THIS ISSUE DID NOT POST IN JULY AS ORIGINALLY PLANNED FOR BIPOC MENTAL HEALTH AWARENESS MONTH, WE AT BLACK WOMEN DO HEAL AND MELANATED QUEEN QUARTERLY STILL WANTED TO DEDICATE THIS ISSUE TO ALL OF THE COURAGEOUS BLACK QUEENS, WHO ‘BEEN MAGIC’ AND FIGHT EACH DAY TO LIVE THROUGH THE TRIALS AND COMPLICATIONS OF VARIOUS MENTAL ILLNESSES AND TRAUMAS. SISTAH, WE SEE YOU. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. THIS ISSUE IS DEDICATED TO YOU. KEEP PUSHING AND NEVER SURRENDER!

PEACE AND BLESSINGS, CASSANDRA JAMES-WEATHERSBY EDITOR AND CHIEF MELANATED QUEEN QUARTERLY (A BLACK WOMEN DO HEAL PUBLICATION)

CONTRIBUTORS Jazmine Wright Intern

Born and raised in Chicago, Illinois, she is currently pursuing a Bachelor of Science degree in Public Health Sciences from Xavier University of Louisiana. Jasmine aspires to become a Medical Doctor to ensure that there is representation in the medical field. She is also a dog mom to a Soft-coated Wheaton terrier named Maxx.

John Barnes Guest Creative Director John's career is in public health, but he has always had a knack for the fine arts and psychology. John considers himself to be a multi-potentialite, and he truly believes that he can do whatever he puts his mind to. @TheRealJohnBarnes

Melanie Burns Guest Editor Melanie was born in Canton, MS, where after graduating high school she went on to graduate from Delta State University in Cleveland, MS with a Bachelor’s Degree in English Literature (2015). Her background consists of extensive experience working with children who are blind or visually impaired and have mental disadvantages.

I AM MY SISTAH’S KEEPER I AM MY SISTAH’S KEEPER I BUILD HER UP AND STRAIGHTEN HER CROWN WHEN SHE IS DOWN I USE LAUGHTER AND LOVE TO TURN HER FROWN INTO A SMILE SHE DOESN’T HAVE TO WONDER, IF I MEAN HER GOOD NOT HARM, FOR I AM MY SISTAH’S KEEPER, I GIVE HER MY HEART WITH A STRETCHED OUT ARM I UPLIFT MY SISTAH, AND LET HER KNOW THAT PURPOSE IS IN HER DNA, THAT SHE ONLY NEED BELIEVE, AND NEVER LET HER HOPE STRAY AS I KEEP MY SISTAH, I COVER HER WITH THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, I KEEP HER SECRETS HIDDEN FROM ANY NAYSAYERS I AM MY SISTAH’S KEEPER, SHE DOESN’T HAVE TO HIDE WHO SHE IS WITH ME. WHEN THE WORLD LAUGHS AT HER SCARS, I BANDAGE THEM SAV, AND SOOTHE HER FACE. I AM MY SISTAH’S KEEPER, AND HER TEARS ARE SAFE WITH ME. I LET HER BREATHE, GRIEVE, AND WHEN THE TIME IS RIGHT, ENCOURAGE HER WITH GRACE TO WEAVE I AM MY SISTAH’S KEEPER, SO SHE HEARS FROM ME CONSTANTLY THAT SHE IS BEAUTIFUL-FEARFULLY AND WONDERFULLY MADE IN ALL OF THE SPLENDOR THAT OUR GOD, OUR CREATOR INTENDED HER TO BE AND AS I KEEP MY SISTAH, MAY SHE ALWAYS KNOW, THAT SHE HAS A FRIEND, A SISTAH, AND AN ALLY IN ME. CHISIMDI CHRISTIANA

FOOD FOR THE SOUL

IT AIN'T FUNNY: FINDING HUMOR IN A WORLD OF HURT

BY RITA BRENT

I woke up June 2, 2020 thinking it was just another pandemic Tuesday. The night before, I had posted a picture on Facebook of Trump holding a little black book touted as a bible, and I promised my followers a satirical prayer the next day. It was around 8AM/CST Tuesday when I woke up and logged onto Instagram. I immediately noticed my feed was FULL of black squares and #BlackoutTuesday hash tags. After researching, Idiscovered the goal behind the hash tag first originated when a few industry professionals decided, “The show must be paused,” or work must cease for at least a day to give reverence to the #BlackLivesMatter movements and protests.

Apparently, non-music industry professionals adopted the idea and joined the black square movement too.

Celebrities are being cancelled faster than a STARZ subscription after Power ended for not being woke enough, so to avoid a potential cancellation (and because I am genuinely woke), I stole somebody’s black square and posted it on my IG page. I decorated it with THIRTEEN pro-black hash tags to be safe.

After my cancellation-proof post, I faced a major dilemma: “I still need to post that prayer, but should I post it on such a serious day for the culture? Will I come off insensitive or less woke?” “Will my cookout invitation be revoked?” I checked all my funny friends’ pages and none of them were posting funny stuff, rather Dr. King quotes. This did not feel like the right time to post something funny, because ain’t nothing funny about Black lives not mattering. Still, I had promised a prayer to my “friends” on Facebook, and my promises matter. After a few hours of contemplating, I posted my satirical prayer about Trump and his bible stunt on Facebook first, Instagram and YouTube later.

452,000 collective views and thousands of shares later, I

would assert it was the right decision.

Being funny versus being woke is a constant battle in my mind and heart. Additionally, I went to an HBCU, so I have to be super woke! (#theeIlove) Is it possible to be funny and woke simultaneously? There is no magic formula to guide me, so I have to use my “right time” discretion. My understanding of discretion is having enough sense to make the best decisions in not so obvious situations. If there is one type of sense I have, it is common sense. On its heels is my comedic sense. My common sense helps me resolve repeatedly that the time is always right to operate in my purpose. I believe my purpose in life is to use my comedic sense(s) to help people heal through laughter, therefore, fueling positive mental health.

"I believe my purpose in life is to use my comedic sense(s) to help people heal..."

It is not always easy to live purposefully. You may have to fight off discouragement in the form of selfdoubt or people trying to dictate to you how to execute your purpose. Though my satirical prayer received mostly positive feedback on #BlackoutTuesday, I did receive chastisement. A follower commented on my IG page that she loved me, but it was not the “right time” for me be funny; I should reserve my comedy for the following day.

Had I responded, I would have reminded her that “blackout” also means a brief loss of consciousness or awareness. In today’s world of woes, as a comedian, it is my duty and purpose to find balance between awareness, “that ain’t funny,” and repurposing pain into comedy. The “right time” for healing is always now. “Laugh now or poot later.” – Rita Brent the Wise One

MEET THE AUTHOR

Rita Brent is a comedienne, musician, and military veteran from Jackson, MS. She began doing stand-up comedy in 2013, and resigned as a public radio host to become full-time in 2017. She’s opened for the late Dick Gregory, Rickey Smiley, and Cedric the Entertainer. She has appeared on Comedy Central's “Hart of the City," and truTV’s “Laff Mobb’s Laff Tracks". Rita believes laughter heals, and with the favor of God, she cannot be stopped!

RITA BRENT ENTERTAINMENT IS SOLELY RUN BY MILITARY VETERAN, COMEDIENNE, AND MUSICIAN, RITA BRENT. RITA'S BUSINESS IS MULTI-FACETED, PROVIDING SERVICES SUCH AS: STAND-UP COMEDY, MUSICAL COMEDY, MUSIC PERFORMANCE, RADIO HOSTING, JOURNALISM, AND PUBLIC/ MOTIVATIONAL SPEAKING.

WEBSITE: HTTPS://WWW.RITABRENT.COM/ EMAIL: RITABRENTCOMEDY@GMAIL.COM

BLACK ART ART MATTERS

BREONNA TAYLOR

My name is D'chante Raegina Mckenzie. I'm 27 years old. Taurus. Born and raised in Fayetteville, NC. I am the owner/creator of Ookami Art and Design. I've been drawing since I was 2 years old. I'm partially self taught. I took art classes in high school and majored in art in college. Plus I had teachers in my preschool and elementary school years that helped me explore my potential. I am a traditional artist by trade, but as of late I have gotten more into digital art as well. I like the feel of digital, but nothing beats a traditional pencil and paper. I find myself to be more of a cartoon artist. Early on I would create my own cartoon characters based off of shows that I watched. That is the style I naturally lean toward, however I can do realism and other things as well. I've always had a fascination for coming up with my own characters and creating my own worlds. That being said, I am currently working on a graphic novel which I have entitled 'Omnicron.' I also have a secondary story called '5000.' My goal is to complete these works and promote them on Line Webtoon or publish hard copies. I am really big into anime/manga, so my style tends to pull from that and you can definitely see the influence in my stories. Someday I hope to turn my creations into animated series/movies for people to enjoy. But regardless, my ultimate goal is to touch people through my art.

#SAYTHEIRNAMES JACOB BLAKE ATATIANA

TERRANCE CRUTCHER

SANDRA BLAND

ERIC GARNER

The BLM piece came to me in a dream. Honestly, aside from the shower, that's where a lot of my work comes to me. Following the murders of Ahmaud Arbery, Breonna Taylor, and George Floyd, things began to look more bleak.Every time I scrolled down my timeline I was hit with depressing story after depressing story. I saw an old friend of mine get tear gassed on Facebook Live while trying to mediate a protest and it hurt. That same night I found out that someone I went to high school with was a closet racist. I looked at my boyfriend and cried and hugged him. He is prior military. He is an IT tech. He is a gamer. But to the cops he's a large black man and a threat. I was afraid for him. I thought about my brother who just turned 21 in March who isn't my "little" brother anymore. I thought about my mom and how worried she might be feeling, while at the same time worrying for her safety. I dreamt that night that I needed to make something. I saw protests and the spirits of those lost. I woke up the next morning with that image in my head. I let it sit for days until I went to a protest here in my hometown of Fayetteville. As I watched the world erupt in anger, I knew it was time to put it on paper. I posted it on a Friday, and within 48 hours it was everywhere. I wasn't expecting or even looking for that type of reaction, but it touched my heart. It validated my skill as an artist, but it also validated my pain. I look at this drawing I made of this poor girl who I've forced tears upon, fighting for the loved one that holds her, the one that she lost and will never hold again, and hope and pray to God that she doesn't become me one day.

PHILANDO CASTILE

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Ookami Art and Design OOKAMI ART AND DESIGN D'CHANTE MCKENZIE BUSINESS TYPE: ART AND DESIGN E-MAIL: OOKAMIARTANDDESIGN@GMAIL.COM

ART AND DESIGN. I SPECIALIZE IN BOTH DIGITAL AND TRADITIONAL ART. I DO COMMISSIONS UPON REQUEST AND WILL SOON BE EXPANDING INTO COSPLAY ART/PROP MAKING. I CREATE: LOGOS, PORTRAITS, BANNERS, TSHIRTS, ETC.

Is It More Than Just A Funk?

Bipolar Depression is the “low� side of bipolar disorder. Bipolar disorder (formerly termed manicdepressive) is a mental disorder that causes unusual mood shifts. These shifts affect energy and activity levels, the ability to complete day to day tasks, and concentration. (Bipolar Disorder) Our World in Data estimates that over 46 million people have bipolar disorder (thus bipolar depression). As Black Women, our stats for bipolar disorder and bipolar depression are the same as our white counterparts-however, due to challenges in our community and the stigma against seeking mental health treatment, our treatment may be delayed or cut short.

According to Counseling Today: BIPOC (Black, Indegious, People of Color) are: Less likely to have access to mental health services Less likely to seek out services Less likely to receive needed care More likely to receive poor quality of care More likely to end services prematurely We have been carrying the weight of being "strong" so long, that many of us do not realize that we, or our Sistahs, may be experiencing bipolar depression. Depression-whether bipolar or otherwise-is not a sign of weakness; it is a sign that it is time to take care of your most precious commodity-your brain. If you believe you or a Sistah you know think you may be experiencing depression, try Psychology Today's bipolar depression test.

This is not a substitute for mental health care, just a self evaluation tool.

Consider taking your results to your medical provider.

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"...and then I started to heal"

Six women shared their journey to mental wellness

Dontae Thomas, MUA

"I CHOSE MYSELF...

AND THEN I STARTED TO HEAL." DONTAE THOMAS, MUA As a Black Woman, why is Mental Health important to you? As a black woman, mental health is important to me because mental wellness is the core of a black woman's strength.

When we are in a good space mentally, we can conquer anything. We think clearer and more logically when in a good head space.

The Feature title is "And then I started to heal." At what point in your journey did you realize that you were starting to heal?

I realized that I was starting to heal when I could say “no” to certain things that could be potentially draining, to preserve my energy.

What would you say to other women who are struggling in private? What would you say to them about getting help?

To the women who are struggling in silence, I would say to start writing. If you don’t feel comfortable speaking out about what’s weighing on you, get a pen and a notebook and start releasing what you feel on paper.

You’re able to get it out and there’s no one there to judge you.

But you’ll feel that weigh lifted off of your shoulders.

What is your favorite wellness tool?

My favorite wellness tool is walking in the park. It’s therapy being able to breathe in fresh air, feel the wind in your face, and take in nature.

In the wake of COVID-19, what are some challenges that you experienced with your usual wellness routine, and what alternative activities did you incorporate to help you navigate the crisis?

Throughout this pandemic, I have found it challenging to stick to a consistent routine because everyday I wake up feeling something different. Some days I woke up and felt productive and got things done and other days, I couldn’t tell you what day it was. But looking back at myself from the beginning till now, I can see the growth I’ve made. I don’t even have the same mind set anymore. My way of thinking and doing things has evolved. One thing that I’ve incorporated in my life over the course of this quarantine is gardening. I’m learning how to take care and grow plants and it has been interesting and quite therapeutic. It helps ground me and gives me a peace of mind.

As a Black Woman, why is Mental Health important to you?

As a black woman, mental health is important to me because mental wellness is the core of a black woman's strength. Mental Health is connected to our overall health and wellness. White supremacy, patriarchy, capitalism and colonialism have stripped us of the connections between our mind, our body and our spirit that existed before enslavement and colonization. Black centered mental health is a way for us to resist and heal from this oppression, as well as to build the world we want to live in.

"I REMEMBERED...

AND THEN I STARTED TO HEAL." S. Mandisa Moore-O'Neal Black Feminist & Human Rights Attorney

The Feature title is "And then I started to heal." At what point in your journey did you realize that you were starting to heal?

I don't remember the exact age or year, but at some point I realized A. I no longer wanted revenge or to hurt those that had hurt me B. I became less invested in how I was "perceived "to others, what others thought of me and focused on what I thought of myself C. Taking responsibility for my thoughts and actions and focusing on what I had control over in a situation.

What would you say to other women who are struggling in private? What would you say to them about getting help?

It's ok to ask for help and support, in fact it is necessary to our survival. Racism told us we are not worthy of support and we must struggle in private. It is a blatant act of resistance to get the help we all deserve. Also, help isn't the same thing as "everyone being in your business." You get to dictate how your support looks and set boundaries. You are at the center and in control. Help can come in big and small ways and all ways in between.

What is your favorite wellness tool?

Deep breaths in sets of five.

Body scans to see where and what I'm feeling. Visiting the river, making an offering to her.

Direct sunlight. Talking to close friends.

In the wake of COVID-19, what are some challenges that you experienced with your usual wellness routine, and what alternative activities did you incorporate to help you navigate the crisis?

One challenge is not being able to spend physical time with my loved ones. It's been really great to spend time on the porch and to really transform digital communication.

"I MOVED PAST DENIAL...AND THEN I STARTED TO HEAL".

SHELIA FREY, LPC As a Black Woman, why is Mental Health important to you? As a black woman, mental health is important to me because mental wellness is the core of a black woman's strength.

As black women we endure so much. We are the chief cornerstones of our family. Everyone is pulling on us for their needs to be met. It's easy to forget about yourself and fall significantly short. Taking care of our mental health allows us to stay balanced and able to give to others.

What would you say to other women who are struggling in private? What would you say to them about getting help?

You are not alone. You don't have to handle life all by yourself. Help is available. Take care of yourself mind, body and spirit.

What is your favorite wellness tool?

Prayer and meditation on the word of GOD are my favorite wellness tools.

The Feature title is "And then I started to heal." At what point in In the wake of COVID-19, what are some challenges that you experienced with your usual wellness routine, and what your journey did you realize that you were starting to heal?

I realized I was starting to heal when I accepted I needed help. II alternative activities did you incorporate to help you navigate have a lot of family issues to deal with and I was trying to do it the crisis? on my own. This resulted in an 8 day stay in the hospital. during I continued to use my tools, no deviations. It is my tools that that time I told myself it's ok to get professional help and I did. keep me grounded, even in crisis.

SARAH

MORALES VETERAN & MOMPRENEUR

"I SET GOALS FOR A

FUTURE...AND THEN I

STARTED TO HEAL"

live for our children and families while slowly pushing our needs and wants to the back. YOU are special and you deserve the world.

What is your favorite wellness tool?

Deep breathing and ice. When I get irrational and super angry, it’s hard to come back down.

Whenever you begin to lose control, grab something cold like ice or and ice pack. Hold the cold item or rub it across your forehead, this will shift your focus and begin to calm you.

As a Black Woman, why is Mental Health important to you?

As someone who attempted suicide and has been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, mental health HAS to be important to me. Practicing my coping mechanisms and staying mindful allows me to focus on becoming healthy.

The Feature title is "And then I started to heal". At what point in your journey did you realize that you were starting to heal?

After I received Dialectical

Behavioral Therapy, I began to realize that I was not a lost cause and that my life had a purpose. I was finally able to set daily goals to remind myself that a future is possible if I work towards one.

What would you say to other women who are struggling in private? What would you say to them about getting help?

Getting help is NOT about other people, it’s about you. Do not live for anyone but you, a healthy you is what people need. We tend to

In the wake of COVID-19, what are some challenges that you experienced with your usual wellness routine, and what alternative activities did you incorporate to help you navigate the crisis?

I have two children under five and my husband lost his job.

Usually I would be losing my mind but, I’ve learned to see the brighter side. I run around with my kids, I go to school online, and I listen to relaxing music with my favorite scents in the air.

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"I accepted that I did have a mental illness. I took action managing my illness...and then I started to heal."

Jessica Dotson James Independent Paparazzi Consultant

As a Black Woman, why is Mental Health important to you?

As a black woman I feel that mental health is important to me just as my physical health is important to me. For years I have been affected by mental health challenges and was not aware what was going on with me.

The Feature title is "And then I started to heal". At what point in your journey did you realize that you were starting to heal?

The point in my journey with mental health is when I prayed, and God led me to right therapist, psychologist, and go to (NAMI) National Alliance on Mental Illness office.

I started volunteering, attending Workshop in training, going to support groups, I got a job that I work two years straight, and I had accomplished being in some leadership positions. I have learned and still learning how to manage my mental health with my Wellness tools.

What would you say to other women who are struggling in private? What would you say to them about getting help?

I would say to other women who are struggling in private that they are not alone, and you are not crazy. It is okay to tell someone that you are not okay.

God will help you find the right people and resources to help you. There is nothing wrong about getting help for our physical health, we need the same help for our mental health as well.

What is your favorite wellness tool?

My wellness tool is my personal (WRAP) Wellness Recovery Action Plan. Here is where I have many things that helps me manage my mental health.

However, one of my top wellness tool is journaling to God.

In the wake of COVID-19, what are some challenges that you experienced with your usual wellness routine, and what alternative activities did you incorporate to help you navigate the crisis?

In the wake of COVID-19, the challenges the high experience my usual wellness routine was excessive worrying about my son working during the pandemic. He is 18, about to graduate from high school. The thoughts of his job not shutting down worried me. So what I did to help me during this crisis, was to pray, and educate myself on how we as a family stay safe. We got the things we needed to do to protect ourselves, and so did his job. I will go sit on my patio and get me some fresh air.

"I began to express my inner thoughts...and then I started to heal." myself in the word of God. Time passed and a test came and I failed. I refuse to stay down. I studied more intently and intentionally and from that came the re-birthing of Faith & Action International Ministry. It's safe to say the hidden pain was a part of the process to the road of "purpose".

Evangelist Sherry Tate As a Black Woman, why is Mental Health important to you?

Mental Health is important to me because it is the determining factor of our behavior. Our well being is wrapped up in our thought process combined with our emotions. When the cares of life bring on added stress, it's natural to pull from within to express your individual feelings. The feeling we display are often trying to find balance and a new "normal". This normal involves social skills and work habits that challenge the mind.

Finding peace and learning to pace ourselves are the sustaining healing factors that help to keep us stable.

The Feature title is "And then I started to heal". At what point in your journey did you realize that you were starting to heal?

I started to heal when I realized I was at the end of a reckless journey. My spiritual man was screaming while hidden pain controlled my appetite. I manage to stay on schedule with my morning meditation but later I realize, I was at a distance. I literally had to separate myself, get rid of some things and soak

What would you say to other women who are struggling in private? What would you say to them about getting help?

Proverbs 15:22 ESV Without counsel plans fail, but with many advisers they succeed. At some point we have to realize we are humans and seeking counsel just may help to bring balance to situations that seem to dominate areas that we once controlled.

What is your favorite wellness tool?

I absolutely love to take long walks that allow me to see the birds flying, dogs barking, traffic passing and the wind slightly blowing.

In the wake of COVID-19, what are some challenges that you experienced with your usual wellness routine, and what alternative activities did you incorporate to help you navigate the crisis?

After 14 days of looking at the news and keeping up with COVID-19, watching some of the great at home skills that people were ascertaining, I, became inspired and started exercising while watching Good Morning America. I have fluctuating blood pressure and I honestly desire to be healed of it so I am going to continue my regimen and trust that the healing will come forth in due "season."

THAT BLACK GIRL LIFE

THE LIE OF THE STRONG BLACK WOMAN IS MAKING US SICK

BY CHISIMDI CHRISTIANA

About 5 years ago, my daughter gave birth to my beautiful granddaughter.

The birth happened earlier than expected, and my daughter had to have a csection after what was supposed to be a routine doctor’s visit. Hours later, we would welcome into the World and our Family, my first gran.

About 4 months later, my daughter called me, overwhelmed at being a new mother, and a new working wife. Being vulnerable, she started to share with me how she was struggling with juggling her duties, getting rest, and being there emotionally for her new baby and husband. Before she could get out another word, I shut her down. “Tired? You don’t have time to be tired. You are a wife and a mother now. You have to push through, put yourself last because from now on what you want no longer matters. Suck it up, and get back to your family.” A few days later, the taste of these words would still be in my mouth.

What I said to my daughter when she needed comfort and support was cruel and harsh. What is worse, is that is similar to what was said to me by my Mother, and the connotations of what has been said to black women by other black women for decades. Whether it is a new Mom or wife, a recent grad just out of school, or a fellow sister struggling with illness or disability, we as black women can be the hardest on each other. This is not necessarily our fault; it has been handed down to us for generations by our ancestors who knew they needed strength just to stay alive. It was handed down to us from the dominant race who believed that we as blacks were inferior in every way EXCEPT our ability to endure grueling pain.

While the notion of the ‘strong black woman’ may not have been our fault-it is our responsibility to decide how we define it. What many of us have failed to realize, as I did that day with my daughter that day, is our ability to be vulnerable is where our strength lies. We have to be vulnerable with our Higher Power, ourselves, and with those who love us. Most importantly, we have to allow that safe space for our sisters to be vulnerable with us. When we make room for our Sisters to be vulnerable and feel safe, we are then becoming the true definition of the strong black woman-and making room for other strong black women to follow in our footsteps.

Remember, your strength should be a tool that helps you unlock your freedom. Your strength was never meant to bind you or weigh you down.

Be strong, vulnerable, and ever free, My Sistah.

Peace and Blessings, Chisimdi Christiana

GENERATIONAL WEALTH

THE WEIGHT OF A WOMAN

BY LEONTINE “CANDY” GUIMONT-MARTIN FINANCIAL STRATEGIST, OWNER OF MARTIN BUSINESS SOLUTION, LLC FOUNDER OF THE A.K. LEGACY FOUNDATION

Over the years, I have had the honor and privilege to service women through financial services. During my interactions there have been some similarities amongst them all- finance challenges and stress. Oftentimes, we as women, take our motherly characteristics into our financial endeavors, we bail everyone out and leave ourselves lacking. I can remember growing up, my mom and I would go to Woolworth’s on Canal street, probably every 6 months or so; I’d be so excited-- that place had everything and the RTA ride to there was exciting too- but let’s save that part of the story for another time.

Anyway, my mom would load her buggy with all sorts of nice things for herself, but, as we enter into the little girls section, she’d find all sorts of beautiful items for me: clothes, "OFTENTIMES, WE AS shoes, trinkets, shiny and beautiful things. But WOMEN TAKE then, she’d start putting her items back one by OUR MOTHERLY one and I’d wonder why… once home she’d say to me, “don’t worry, I’ll go back and get me some CHARACTERISTICS stuff I really wanted you to have it”. I now INTO OUR FINANCIAL understand- the budget didn’t allow.

ENDEAVORS.” How many times do women go lacking so others can have? Women sacrifice time, some work two jobs to allow the teens to play sports or stay up all night so the babies can rest. All these actions derive from a lack of financial stability that flows with abundance. Oftentimes, in single parent households women are the only persons and all the responsibilities rely on them.

Lack of finances leads to lack of rest, which leads to lack of good health, that is the onset of poor self care and now we have women stress and feeling regretful which can lead to depression.I know I can’t save the world, but I am on a mission to inspire one woman at a time to remember that she is valuable, beautiful and deserving of a restful, stress free life.

I want to do my part in helping to lift the weight. As a business owner, my motivation comes from those wonderful memories at Woolworth with my mom, those times inspire me to be creative and I have designed proven business development systems and platforms that allow women to work smart, not hard, while teaching them the rules of engagement in the business arena; making sure that they captivate and secure every PAYING contract that they can. As a mother myself, it is a peaceful rest when you know your children and other love ones, are securely taken care of. I thank God for the witty ideas He has blessed me with and I have faith in the work He has allowed me to do- because of His blessings; I believe that with a lucrative financial flow, women will worry leaves, stress will leave, which in turns leds to a happy woman, a financially free and VICTORIOUS WOMAN.

MEET THE AUTHOR Leontine is the Published Author of MBS Business Credit 101 and The Winning Formula; she is a Co-Author of Doing Kingdom Business, a Business Developer, Tax Strategist, CFO, Financial Coach and Credit Restoration Expert and she stays abreast of the changes in the ever-evolving business and tax industries.

She earned a degree in Marketing Management and Advertising and studied Business at Dillard University in New Orleans and Southern University in Baton Rouge. She is certified in Electronic Return Origination with the IRS, Refund Advantage Banking, and Quickbooks Pro. A 2019 Graduate of Scale Up! Louisiana, Leontine regularly conducts credit, tax, and business seminars. Leontine is the loving wife of Eddie Martin, proud mother of James and Ashawnte' she is over the clouds Happy of her granddaughter, Jona'.

She an ordained Minister at Living the Word International, Leontine particularly enjoys working with churches and helping men and women of God become better stewards of their bountiful blessings.

C L I CK B E L O W T O L E A R N

HOWMONEYWORKS PAGE FOUR

BEHOLD BEAUTY

@D.ARMSTEADPHOTOGRAPHY

BLACK TRANS TRAUMA: WHY IT MATTERS & WHY YOU SHOULD CARE

By Alaiyia Williams What are the determinants that deem a black life... valuable!? How do you feel when you see the constant R.I.P. collages of Black Transwomen who have lost

their lives as a result of violence (most times at the hands of Black Men). These are questions that I often ask my fellow Black People. However, with these questions in mind, I want to specifically speak to my Black Cisgender Women.

I ask that you receive this message with love and that you be open to the concept of true understanding, as I am speaking through my own personal experiences as a Black Transgender Woman. I challenge anyone who struggles to answer this to do some introspection.

First and foremost, I want to acknowledge my Black Cisgender Sisters who live in love and respect of myself and individuals like me. We see you and we appreciate your embrace and support.

We also understand that unfortunately, we still have a long way to go.

It is also important to not negate the plight of that Black Women face as a collective. As Black Women, we learn very early on that the world does not always respect us. We are shown that while our commonly occurring aesthetics of full bee-stung lips, and curvaceous bodies are admired, they receive much more adoration when they are acquired and adorned by those who identify as anything other than Black. An ongoing long-held misinformed narrative that Black Women are “angry” and problematic is often the reason that some men proclaim that they “don’t date black women”.

Our trauma and mental anguish is disproportionately unaddressed due to in great proportion to the stigma often associated with mental health in the black community as well as the “strong black woman” school of thought. With these things in mind, its understandable that some Black Women feel they are under attack; however, we need those with that mindset to understand that Black Trans Women are not the enemy, we are actually quite the contrary.

The narrative that Black Trans Women are not Women is what drives the stigmatization of the Trans community.

Through personal experience, I have lived the trauma caused by that stigmatization.

I safely say that I know many other Black Trans Women who have lived similar experiences. Due to social media’s domineering presence in our daily lives,

@THEREALJOHNBARNES

it’s quite easy to get a feel for the consensus on Trans issues via several forums. Through mere browsing, things that I’ve read have ranged from angry, to hurtful, to downright hateful! Of course, there is the most frequently used line, “if you were born a man, you’ll be a man no matter what you do.”

There are also many who voice rhetoric that is based in religious doctrine, “God made you how he meant for you to be, nothing you can do can change that”.

That rhetoric has been both emotionally and physically damaging to myself and many like me. Most prevalently, several Black Women have voiced that they feel that the existence of Black Transgender Women somehow equates to a fictional hidden agenda to erase the “biological Black Woman.”

This mindset is unfounded and holds more weight than simply being opinions; it leads to a devaluing of Black Trans Bodies and in turn has been the root

"The best way to foster respect for Black Trans Lives is through education and positive exposure."

19

cause of the loss of many Black Trans Lives! I want you to Imagine, living in a world where we you are passionate about the fight to show that Black Lives have value, marching in what one would assume is solidarity, but then being constantly reminded that YOUR LIFE is not valuable to those you are marching with and fighting for! This is the absolute horror that many Black Trans Women live and fight to survive daily.

The most prudent example of this phenomena is the beating of Iyanna Dior, a young Black Trans Woman in Minnesota; the very place where George Floyd was viciously murdered at the hands of police just a few short days prior.

In this incident, which transpired after a minor fender-bender, this young lady was

beaten by over 30 BLACK MEN and BLACK WOMEN. Blessedly, Iyanna survived this disgraceful attack on her life.

Sadly, many Black Trans Women have been killed as a result of violence of this nature. How could any decent person do this?

I’m disheartened to say that many Cisgender Heterosexual Black Men and Black Women argue this justification in almost every case of Black Trans Violence.

These individuals most times declare, “this is why Transgenders need to be honest with these men about who they are”. My response to that is, in the year 2020, how many men do you think are TRULY uninformed on a person’s gender identity/expression? The answer, little to none. Moreover, we are living in an age where people are more inspires and empowered to live in their truth more than ever before.

Thus, many Black Trans Women are proudly rooted in authenticity surrounding their gender identity/gender expression. Despite this, as of July 2020, there has been at least 23 murders of Transgender Women, that have received little media coverage.

By this point the question that I hope many of you are asking what can we do

differently. The first step is evident, that is create and maintain a healthy dialogue to foster awareness and cultural education, specific to the needs of Trans Women.

From that dialogue, growth and healing can begin to occur; although even at that point, there is still much work to be done.

As an experienced Clinician, there are several steps that I recommend anyone take when beginning the individual healing process.

The issue of Black Trans acceptance and inclusion is no different; thus being prepared to start at square one. Clinically and spiritually, I passionately believe that begins with acknowledging and addressing one’s own personal trauma.

Working through those issues on the micro-level is paramount to macro-level healing. Once one has achieved the level of awareness that comes with working through personal trauma, then a larger scale of healing can commence. More specifically, that’s when we begin to heal as a community. Black Women hold privilege in this scenario.

As mothers, grandmothers, matriarchs, sisters, and spouses to Black Men, you have the power to plant the seed of respect and value of all lives! The best way to foster respect for Black Trans Lives is through education and positive exposure.

As mothers, that starts early and involves going against the deeply ingrained narrative of toxic masculinity often internalized in Black Men and Women.

@THEREALJOHNBARNES

Teach young men that it is acceptable to acknowledge and embrace emotion! This in turn will instill the capacity to address trauma that may occur later in life; thus creating a strong baseline for healthy mindset and an ability to interact with people from all walks of life. It is extremely important to encourage the belief that one is able to respect another person’s humanity, without compromising their own sense of self. For those who encounter, Black Men who are trans-amorous (or attracted to transgender women), we must work to eliminate the stigma that surrounds that attraction. This is one of many factors that has created an unhealthy cycle of shame and guilt surrounding that attraction, and ultimately results in the death of Black Trans Women. Also, as spouses of Black Men, your education on the humanity of Black Trans Women, is pivotal! I have several close friends who have shared

with me that their Cisgender, Heterosexual spouses/partners were not the most receptive to Trans/LGBTQ+ individuals, but through exposure to me through our sisterhood/friendship; they have come to respect and become more awareness to issues that face the Trans Community. They are able to share space with me and not feel as though their own personal state of being is under attack. That’s a huge step for a Black Man in today’s society.

However, I am by no means an anomaly. There are a plethora of beautifully-spirited Black Trans Women who are rich in character and resilience. Many of whom, just need a kind word and gestures of kindness and support. The embrace of our Black Sisters and the Black Community at large is not just an accolade, its literally become the difference between life and death for us!

As we continue to fight racism, I implore you all to remember that the fight against a system rooted in white supremacy and discrimination is INTERSECTIONAL and requires SOLIDARITY. The very fabric of our society stems from the belief that skin color is a rightful determinant of one’s worth and it has been built through oppression of our people. So just as racism is a flawed thought process owned by those who feel Black lives are “lesser-than”, the consistent devaluing of Black Trans Lives is a flaw that belongs to our Black Community. It us our trauma to work through and is a flaw that will continue cost us precious Black Trans lives and prohibit our truest form of equity until we fix it! Oh to think of the possibilities we can achieve on the great day that we truly embrace and LOVE one another! What a marvelous day it will be!

With Love & Honor, Alaiyia

#TransWomenAREwomen #BlackTransLives ARE #BlackLives

MEET THE AUTHOR Alaiyia is a Licensed Clinical Social who is native to the Alexandria, Louisiana area.

She is a Black Woman Transgender Woman who has broken many barriers through her drive for success and equality. As the first Black Woman of Trans-Experience to attain a Licensed Clinical Social License in the state of Louisiana, Alaiyia is motivated to create safe spaces for disenfranchised and marginalized groups and widening the path to success for generations to come.

LIFESTYLE

ASK JEN.

Q: Hi Jenn, I am in my 40’s and going through the change of life. My skin has become overly dry.

Do you have any recommendations?

-D.J. Jackson, MS Jen: Hi D.J. Let me recommend the Anew Hydra Fusion Collection. This is what your skin has been thirsting for, the collection of skin care that hydrates.

AM A new Hydra Fusion InShower Mask is a no-rinse, non-greasy mask that instantly energizes and hydrates skin, locking in moisture leaving skin visibly smoother. Then apply Anew Hydra Fusion Replenishing Serum for a powerful, yet lightweight face serum that infuses the sing with deep hydration.

Gently smooth over skin and follow with Anew Hydra Fusion Gel Cream as your moisturizer.

This water-like gel infuses skin with 72 hours of continuous, long-lasting hydration and helps protect against environmental stressors.

Follow up with Anew Hydra Fusion Snow Cream.

TRUE BEAUTY COMES FROM WITHIN. This light-as-snow face cram deeply hydrates, locks in moisture and helps reduce early signs of aging caused by the environment.

Then we recommend Daily Beauty Defense, Broad Spectrum Sunscreen Lotion, SPF 50.

PM A new Hydra Fusion Cleansing Micellar Water cleanses and hydrates skin, no rinse required. It gently and effectively lifts dirt, soil and makeup while boosting skins hydration.

Reapply Anew Hydra Fusion Gel Cream. We do recommend Anew Hydra Fusion Nighttime Facial Treatment, a gel mask, 3x a week in the place of your evening moisturizer that visibly repairs your skin while you sleep.

Q: Hello Jenn, Since I have hit my 30’s, my regular skin care routine is not working. I used to be able to wash my face with baby wash and call it a day.

Now, my skin doesn’t seem to be responding and I am experiencing regular breakouts. Any thoughts?

-A.P. Gulfport, MS Jen: A.P. Gulfport, MS Hello A.P. I think the belif Collection which is true herbal collection would be a great for transitioning from baby wash to a more complete approach to true skin care. Belif Aqua Bomb Jelly Cleanser: A gentle jelly-to-foam cleanser with a burst of hydration that gently removes all traces of makeup and impurities without stripping the skin of moisture.

It’s key ingredient, Lady’s mantle, is known to minimize the look of pores and helps remove free radicals from skin while supporting natural cell turnover. Use in the AM or PM. Belif The True Cream Aqua Bomb: An ultra-lightweight, water-based gel-cream instantly cools skin and delivers weightless moisture.

Key ingredient, Lady’s mantle, is an

herb with antioxidant benefits known to help soothe skin.Belif The True Cream Moisturizing Bomb-The best seller at Sephora, delivers a comforting moisturizing cream that provides skin with intense hydration, leaving it supple, smooth and nourished. It’s key ingredient, the Comfrey leaf, is an herb known to detoxify skin, leaving it smooth, soft and clear.

Belif Moisturizing Eye Bomb: a lightweight, refreshing eye cram that smooths fine lines with a 26-hour burst of eye moisture, boosts elasticity, and increases the resilience of the skin for flawless makeup application. Formulated with hydrating herb, comfrey leaf and elasticity boostingboosting pennyworth herb, this product provides a flood of intensive moisture for radiant and youthful-looking eyes.

Q: Jenn, My skin is ok, but I am concerned about lines and dark spots under my eyes. What do you think I could do to help them?

-P.M. New Orleans, LA Jen: So, most of our skin care lines has an eye cream specifically formulated for its collection. Our newest collection, Isa Knox LX Ultimate has a Rejuvenating Eye Serum. Key Ingredient: Peony extract/paeonol helps visibly firm skin; helps lighten the appearance of age spots; visibly brightens skin; restores mature skin cells to their youthful state. Another key ingredient: Niacinamide (Vitamin B3): helps to visibly soften fine lines and wrinkles and diminish the appearance of dullness.

However, Anew Clinical Is a collection of targeted treatments to address specific concerns. Anew Clinical Absolute Even Dark Circle Corrector brightens dark circles with self-adjusting sheer optics; visibly reduces under eye shadows; and smoothies the texture of skin in the eye area. In just 3 days it visibly brightens even the darkest under eye area. This eye cream is non-greasy, non-oily and non-sticky.

The Content is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, psychiatric advice, counseling, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical or mental health condition.

MENTALLY SPEAKING

MANAGING YOUR MENTAL HEALTH WHILE CARING FOR YOUR LOVED ONE

By Natasha Griffin

“It is so important as a caregiver not to become so enmeshed in the role that you lose yourself. It’s neither good for you nor your loved one.” – Dana Reeve

caregiver can decline while trying to maintain the wellness and livelihood of others.

Often, we hear about the analogy of using the oxygen mask on an airplane and how we should care for ourselves.

If the situation arises where you need the oxygen mask, you are instructed to use your own oxygen mask before you assist anyone else. In this moment, caring for yourself opens opportunities for you to care for someone else.

Most caregivers find it difficult to take the time to manage their own health,especially their mental health.

However, the caregiver can integrate self-care practices that will help in managing their mental health while caring for their loved one – even if it is only five minutes daily. Here are some suggestions on how to manage your mental health as a caregiver.

Being a caregiver is a selfless act. Often times it requires a person to drastically change their routine and adjust to a new normal. Not only does the caregiver have to manage their life, now they have to somehow incorporate and assist with someone else with theirs. Can it become exhausting and overwhelming? Yes, it can.

So much so that the mental health of a

Pause Pausing helps you to stop and evaluate your situation to determine the best course of action for you and your loved one. Are there any barriers that would prevent self-care? Who is a part of your support system that can assist with your loved one? What resources are available in your community? What can your loved NOMADIC | 24

one do to assist you with their care?

Identify Things that Matter to You Think about the time before you became a caregiver. What are some things that you considered important? Yes, as a caregiver your priority changes, but you still can identify and maintain those things that matters to you.

Remember, self-care is not a selfish act.

It actually is one of the most considerate and loving thing you can do for yourself – the caregiver.

Meet the Author

Self-care Activities and Exercises Incorporating self-care activities and exercises can help reduce the stress of being a caregiver.

What are some things that bring you peace and you enjoy doing them? Here are some suggestions for self-care: ● Mindfulness exercises ● Eating Healthy ● Keep regular doctor appointments ● Listen to music ● Show Gratitude and keep a journal ● Go for a walk ● Spend quality time alone and with friends/family ● Positive Affirmations You do not have to make a drastic change all at once. Small, deliberate changes will help you navigate the complexities of being a caregiver as well as improve your mental health. Taking care of you is a necessity as a caregiver and your loved one will benefit greatly from it.

Natasha Griffin is employed by MS Department of Child Protection Services. She has seven years of experience working on suicide crisis line through the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. Natasha is an ASIST trainer, an instructor for Mental Health First Aid – Adult and Youth track and a trainer for QPR – Question, Persuasion and Refer. Natasha Griffin received her Bachelor of Science degree in Biology from Tougaloo College; a Master’s in Public Administration from Belhaven University; and a Master’s in Marriage and Family Counseling from Mississippi College. Currently, she resides in the “Emerald City” better known as D’Lo, MS. Natasha is the Founder/Owner of Creating Second Chances (C2C)a nonprofit where we strive to change lives one link at a time. Her life’s motto is “Dying to self, To bring life to others”.

RELATIONSHIP GOALS

ACTIVATING MENTAL STRENGTH THROUGH DIVORCE

BY JERICA DURDEN When I think of the topic, “Activating Mental Health Strength through Divorce or Separation”, I think of pulling strength from places I thought I never had. The experience I have encountered, it was literally a spiritual. I knew when I looked into the eyes of my lover and best friend in July 2015, it was not the same person I said, “I do” to. I was shocked when presented with papers October 2018 in our office study.

All I can say is with tears in my eyes, that God was preparing me for things I would never thought I would face in a million years. When the trials in our lives, that come to make us strong, there is this urge inside of you that forces you to pull through those hard times and fight spiritually. This “thing” inside of you that allows you to hit the ground and bounce back up. Now, that “bounce up” may be fast, and quick for some, and slow motioned at a turtle’s speed for others. But no matter the pace that’s what pulled me through and that is what activated my strength.

However, I have to remind myself that, “it is, what it is but, it doesn’t have to look like what I’ve been through.” In other words, God has given me the chance and the opportunity to share my experiences, because if it’s one thing I’m assured of, if I had not experienced what I’ve been through, I wouldn’t have known God for who he really is for myself and the strength I didn’t know I had. He has blessed and kept me and my son in so many ways. I truly feel that our experiences of what we go through, it’s not just for me, it’s for someone else to say man, “God pulled her out of this, He can do the same for me!”

My old bishop used to say the worst thing in the world is to have your spirit man and natural man down at the same time. One of them has to be strong enough to stand firm. Honestly, that is what I had to do, to ensure that I was strong mentally because I didn’t know what divorce entailed. So, by activating my strength, I stayed prayed up, so when things appeared I was already prepared mentally. I hope this encourages someone to activate their strength because it is impossible to do it alone.

MEET THE AUTHOR

”I believe what we go through is not for us, but for someone else.”

Going through divorce or separation is difficult. One moment you hoping you could work things out, the next you hoping that your spouse may become a human speed bump in the middle of New York. As we know it takes two to make a marriage work, so if one is willing and able and one is uninterested, it won’t work.

As I have just revisited pieces of my life that I prefer to keep private, I have to look in the mirror and remember, Jerica, this is your reality.

I am a single mother with round brown face to represent! You don’t have to look like what you been through. I have a two year old that keeps me on my toes. My background consists of Mental Health with a sprinkle of Child Protection Service worker and a dash of Aids/HIV case management. I also have a Bachelor’s Degree in Psych along with a Masters in Social Work.

"You have two choicestake control & move forward or settle with regret. Just know that going back is not an option."

BLACK WOMEN DO HEAL Virtual Converstaions Over Brunch 4th Saturday's January-October blackwonemdoheal@gmail.com

LIFESTYLE

ASK LILLIE.

Ms. Lillie, I have severe anxiety and have been in a long term relationship for many years. Lately, with COVID, my anxiety has been so bad it is affecting my relationship.

I can’t spend any quality time because I am so overwhelmed. My usual coping skills of going for a walk is not working for me. Do you have any tips on skills that I can use help me through this with my partner?

-J.D., Mississippi

Lillie. I am sorry you’re having such a difficult time, do know what you are going through can be temporary if you have faith in You’re self. What I mean by that is, if you have been able to combat your severe anxiety thus far, you can surely handle it now.

Yes, COVID came in and interrupt your Peace however there are things you can do to take it back. First thing you mention that you suffer from sever anxiety and have been in a long term relationship for many years. Surely your partner knows your mental health issues and how much do he know about anxiety. Are you honesty with him about your feelings and what you’re going through? Have you ever taken or are you taking medication, the reason for this question is sometimes medication can assist with getting you back on track until you can get to a more peaceful space. Counseling is also an option for you to learn other techniques that will guide you through this most difficult time. Counseling will assist you with relaxation techniques such as guided meditations and relaxation technique. Learning these techniques can be a state of restfulness that is the opposite or the fight or flight or mobilization stress response. As you learn and practice these techniques, your stress levels will decrease and your mind and body will become cam and centered. Other things you can do is make sure you are eating healthy, sleeping well, limit caffeine and alcohol if you are indulging in them. Create a “worry period” such as choose a time to worry only during that time frame. Most important express your feelings instead of balling them up and be willing to compromise. I wish you wellness and peace.

My Daughter and I have not spoken in over two years. It is causing me a lot of distress. She said that I never listen to her. What can I do to gently reunite with her?

-C.C., Louisiana Lillie: Hello C.C. form Louisiana, Sometime family problems can be one of the most hurtful thing one can image. With work on both ends it can be sabotageable. The first thing need to happen is “You need to make sure you acknowledge your part in the distance between you and your daughter” As a parent we only want the best for our children, however when they become adults we need to understand and respect that they are adults and whatever discussion they make good or bad, it’s their choice.

Yes Yes Yes, we”ve been there and done that “It’s their time to DO that” C.C. I encourage you to make contact with your daughter admitting to your faults and “ask” her for sometime to express how you miss her and your willingness to “LISTEN” to her not Accept whatever it is that may be the center of problem or Agree with her, just “LISTEN” Do know C.C. that it’s up to your daughter if she wants a relationship with you and sometime we have to understand and accept just where she is with it all.

"ONE OF THE MOST COMMON MISTAKES WITH FAMILY AND ESPECIALLY PARENTS IS, WE SOMETIMES FORGET THAT WE CAN ONLY CONTROL OURSELVES AND WE ARE THE “MASTER" OF OUR LIVES AND THE AUTHOR OF OUR SPACE AND PEACE"

One of the most common mistakes with family and especially parents is, we sometimes forget that we can only control ourselves and we are the “MASTER of our Lives and the Author of our Space and Peace.

My Ex and I have been divorced for years. We just have one problemwe can’t keep our hands off of each other. It drives me crazy and makes me sad because neither of us want a relationship or to be married, yet I feel like I am dating him even though he dates others frequently and often. While I am having fun, I find that I feel worse and worse about myself. What can I do to feel better about myself and pull away from this thing we are in?

-W.C., New Orleans Lillie: Hello W.C. from New Orleans,W.C. I am not sure what you are trying to ask, but I have a few questions for you. Why did you guys get a divorce and how is it okay that you are still sexually involved if neither of you want a relationship with the other.

You call it “FUN”, it’s called being

sexually pleased, called it what it is.

It’s also call feeling comfortable with him.I think your sadness comes from you’re feeling “used” because you are being pleased by him and you’re not enough for him because he dates other women. W.C. do know that being please sexually is a part of life but how and with whom we are allowing in our space is something totally different and it’s up to us to make sure we are okay.

The most important thing you can do for yourself is know that you are “Special” and you don’t have to accept anything or anyone disrespecting you.

Allow yourself to “LOVE” again. The best way to pull away from him is, take control of your heart and body."

Let him know that you “Choose You” and stay away from him. W.C. deny him access to you and know that it’s okay.

There are other ways to take care of your needs, it’s okay it’s your body.

Your Pain can be manageable, all it takes is “YOU” deciding “LOVE YOU” W.C. I don’t think it’s just that easy, so I encourage you to seek counseling for yourself because what you are going through is hard.

The Content is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, psychiatric advice, counseling, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical or mental health condition.

KANDICE BENFORD IS OUR

MELANTED QUEEN OF THE QUARTER

ALL HAIL THE QUEEN! "I asked myself a lot, 'Am I beautiful?"

I’ve had vitiligo since I was 18. No one knew unless I told them. It was small spots on my thumb and pointer finger. I thought nothing of it because it didn’t spread any further.

When I turned 30 my vitiligo started spreading. During my first year it was very difficult. I hated the spots. I hated the stares.

I hated the questions. To avoid it all I covered my vitiligo. I asked myself a lot, “Am I beautiful?” How did others see me? Once I stopped comparing myself to how I looked before and accepted myself now, I saw the within. I didn’t need society to tell me what is beautiful and what’s not.

I told myself daily “I am beautiful." The day I believed it, no one could tell me otherwise. I must admit the journey to self love wasn’t easy, but I love and accept who I am. Having vitiligo doesn’t define who I am. Yes, it’s a part of me and I love it. I choose to not allow someone’s judgement to weigh so much in my life. Now, when others stare, I smile, wave and give them something to stare at! “I am beautiful."

Kandice Benford is from Terry, MS. Kandice is married to Elliott Benford. She’s a natural hair specialist at The Glass House Hair salon in Jackson, MS. She’s a vitiligo advocate and model.

DIVINE DESIGN

HERE ARE SOME EXAMPLES ON HOW A NEGATIVE RELATIONSHIP CAN BE HARMFUL TO OUR MENTAL HEALTH: You feel depressed since you’ve been in the relationship: People in lower-quality relationships are more likely to display indicators of depression. At their very worst, toxic, or abusive relationships can lead to suicidal thoughts. A study showed people experiencing a lot of relationship conflict were more likely to contemplate suicide. Some relationships can leave a person feeling depressed because the feel hopeless that anything will change.

WHEN YOUR RELATIONSHIP NEGATIVELY AFFECTS YOUR MENTAL HEALTH

By Kitty Arceneaux Relationships are, in a word, complex. Most of the time, they can be a good thing. When you are in a relationship, you may have a friend to open your heart with, someone who offers encouragement and a different viewpoint, or a companion with whom you can face the future.

But bad relationships also exist, and they may even leave an impression on your health. People enter and endure toxic relationships for a host of reasons. Whether you’re aware of it or not, a toxic relationship can negatively impact your mental health.

It can make you feel vulnerable or unhappy with yourself, leave you feeling drained and miserable, place a strain on you to change something about yourself or may even be physically and emotionally harmful. I’m a big believer in Christ and in prayer, but not everyone respects the G-d I serve and if your relationship is affecting your mental health, your partner isn’t respecting or loving G-d either and all the prayers you pray won’t help them if they are not willing to seek the Word and apply it.

You try and distract yourself: The moment you realize your relationship is hurting your mental health you begin to change some habits or pick up the bad habits, such as: picking your hair, bingewatching different shows, getting involved in many different activities outside the home, oversleeping, overeating, drinking — anything to distract you from thinking about the relationship or the person. When you don't address these feelings, they can come out in unhealthy habits.

You’re relieved when your partner leaves: Whether he’s leaving to go to work or leaving for the weekend, you get excited to know that you don’t have to deal with them for a while. You sometimes just want to crawl in bed and go to sleep.

All the mental energy it took to accommodate him just wears you out. This feeling of relief is a sure sign that your partner's causing you stress, especially when it's noticeable that "a sense of weight has been lifted."

When you’re frazzled about what’s going on in the relationship, the last thing you want to do is move forward or lean into it. Our usual tendency is to avoid stress, not deal with it. But the only way to deal with stress is to face it. This is a coping strategy, not an avoidance technique!

The bible tells us to be patient, bearing one another in love, and when that is not happening, we need to seek alternatives.

Take a closer look and evaluate the entire situation.

Be fair, not judgmental.

Be open, expressing yourself to your partner. You want to make sure you are leaving nothing on the table, even if they trying to convince you that it’s not really happening.

Seek help! Going to your Pastors or an experienced counselor-even if your partner doesn’t want to go. At the least you won’t feel helpless or alone. It can be hugely beneficial to discuss in confidence, what is happening.

And when counseling isn’t working…there is another solution. It might not be easy abandoning a relationship, but neither should you remain in a strained relationship with no believable future out of a sense of duty. It’s one worth seriously considering, sometimes there’s nothing more you can do but say goodbye — for the sake of your own mental health. Because one thing is evident: A bad relationship is not worth the damage it can have on your mental wellbeing.

MEET THE AUTHOR Kitty Arceneaux is an eight time author and master life coach. She has a non profit, Youths Experiencing Success and has also started her business, Elevate'HER UP. Kitty was selected as Suggested Artist for songwriting and Honorary Gospel/Christian lyrics with VH1 in 2005/2006.

Kitty is the wife and mother and is a native of New Orleans, LA.

BLACK AROUND THE WORLD

MOBILIZING MILLENNIALS WHERE VISION MEETS CHANGE Black Women DO Heal: Deja, thank you for sitting down today with Black Women DO Heal, to chat about Mobilizing Millennials. What was your motivation for being a part of this movement?

Deja: I am an activist artist and a political artist. I use my work to

showcase the areas of the city I feel need growth and the political structure of the city. So, I tell all those stories within my works. And so, from that I was able to be able to start going into different conversations about getting and about the different areas of policy that I wanted to work on. Pushing away from my art. And that I started connecting with more like minded people more like groups within the city. And that's when I met Ms. Rasheeda Golba, who is over the New Orleans Youth Alliance. Which is also a local organization. And that’s where I met my other fellows Matthew and J. J had this idea about mobilizing millennials and (?) behind it. And so, when George Floyd started happening, all these things started happening, he just started reaching out to people and saying, “hey who wants to do something?” And we were just like “yeah we want to do that” and so that’s when we started teaming up to coordinate what kind of work we wanted to do and what we wanted that work to look like.

Black Women DO Heal: How do you think that that momentum or that passion, can stay lit or stay ignited?

Deja: One of the reasons that we emphasize on mobilizing millennials is because throughout history we have to recognize who was at the forefront of so many revolutions and so many movements of the past and the present and its always been young people. So that's why we like to push political literacy and involvement amongst the young people. Because they are always going to be the ones that's kind of keeping that ignited and push it forward. They're the ones that have the younger energy. They're the ones who are more so thinking about the future actually. In terms of what life is going to be like for them when they're adults, when they're older because they do have more life to go on with. So that has been a really important emphasis on us because we do believe that's where a lot of the fire is going to come from.

Black Women DO Heal: Yes, that's an excellent point. So, what would you say to other young women who are kind of on the gate, kind of on the fence, confused about a lot of the rhetoric?

Because we already know that with the fake news that is constantly being spewed daily. Right. It is a whole lot out there to confuse you if you're not informed. What would you say to those young women who want to see change, they want to see things better especially for our people but really don't know how to get started?

Deja: This is actually a great question because I talk about this all the time. One of my really big, like my peers, comes from a larger educational background. So that’s why there’s like the rhetoric and the policies. And the politics, they are a lot more well versed than I am. And that's something that I've always had really big insecurities about. So that’s why I'm like yes. And what we talk about is this the fact that it's not just the rhetoric but just following your gut instincts. You know something’s not right. And the best, the best teacher that you can ever get is always going to be experienced.

And just experiencing, coming from myself, experiencing what my upbringing was like at the middle-class New Orleans girl out of the East. And growing up with that I know exactly what is offset and then as I got older. Just having more of an awareness of the world that I was partaking in.

And so never let that fear of not knowing the right thing to say get to you, never let that stop you.

You need to follow your gut instincts and just know that you're enough.

Black Women DO Heal: Yes! Deja: Know that you are enough, and what you know is enough, and your experiences are enough to make a difference. And there are so many ways to make a difference. And they're new ways being brought out every single day. And know anyone can do it. So, definitely don’t let that hold you back.

Black Women DO Heal: Awesome. So, a couple more questions. What are you guy’s plans for your next march or next activity?

Deja: Ok. We just came out of doing this homeless rally, which was a really big event for us. (We) Just kind of pulling together a lot of other organizations within the city to deal with homelessness.

(We were) Coming out there to just give resources. So, that was our last big thing. I think our next big thing right now is building up the structure a little bit like we're trying to flush out like (minded) support and make sure like we have people at every intersection.

Black Women DO Heal: That sounds great!

Deja: So, that is our primary thing. Now, what we're trying to do that because we're gearing up for election season.

Black Women DO Heal: Oh Yes! Deja: So, we try to have voter registration at every one of our events. We try to really push, again political awareness and involvement. So voting is a really really really big thing for us. Especially when it comes to young people and Black youth. But numbers saying these centering around that is crazy. When you see that there’s only such a small population that shows up for voting. And realize if you're able to get this majority just at the polls. that we can make politically it's really exciting. So that's what we're gearing up right now just trying to push the agendas that you like to see. We also like to, especially on a local level, we would definitely like to talk to politicians and people who will be running to just to see where their heads are at and make sure that our agenda as young people are on the stands as well.

Black Women DO Heal: Yes, because it is definitely so needed. And so, I guess my last question would be, what is your superpower?

Deja: My superpower? My superpower is that I can make anything pretty.

Black Women DO Heal: Oh, I love it. Tell me more!

Deja: It’s so funny… which is so funny. But um in my work, my work is very colorful, vibrant, and cartoony even though it has to do with very serious themes. That's what, that’s kind of like the joy in my work but also the secret to my work. Because when things are just beautiful, and people enjoy the experience of something. It's a lot easier to get people to come and be a part of it. It's like it's a lot easier to get people's attention and keep their attention. And in at least as far as it goes to my work, what's really important to me is the message that I want to convey.

And that allows the viewer to absorb that.

Black Women DO Heal: How do you get this concept moving?

Deja: First, I have to recognize who my audience was, which is going to be people of color. What I don't want to do for my people is to feed them a whole bunch of trauma-candy. I don't want to put things in front of their face that shows them what they already know. I don't need them to regurgitate every or relive those experiences seeing my work. I don't want that. What I want is for you to be interested, drawn in like a moth to a light. Be pulled in and enjoy what you're seeing and learn something. And especially with the political stake that we're in now it's so easy to feel overwhelmed and like you just really can't do anything. And my work focuses on the progressive aspect. It’s showing you what the problems are but also telling you what you can do as an individual to move past it. What we do as a society to move past it. And how it shapes the way we organize. And all that begins by just simply making it beautiful.

Black Women DO Heal: Yaaaaassssss! Deja, Thank you so much for taking the time to come and share this with us today. Please keep our audience abreast of what it is that Mobilizing Millennials haa coming up next.

TEAM SPOTLIGHT

Hello Queens and Kings!

A healed mother raises a healed child.

My name is John Barnes and I am the executor behind the amazing woman who had the vision for this magazine. I can’t stress enough how proud I am to be a part of this magazine experience. Originally, I am from Little Rock, AR, where I graduated from the University of Arkansas at Little Rock (UALR) in 2015 with a B.S. in Biology; however, currently, I just bought a house in the historic 7th ward right here in New Orleans, LA. In addition, I work as a prevention specialist at Brotherhood, Inc.--New Orleans’ only Black owned public health non-profit, and I plan to get more into real estate investing in the future.

On the subject of

@THEREALJOHNBARNES

“Black Women DO Heal,”

it’s

important

very to

me

because I know that there are a lot of broken people in the world,

and

I

wholeheartedly believe one of the most efficient ways to heal the Black community is to heal our

women--

especially

our

mothers. I say that because essentially a healed mother raises a healed child which creates a ripple effect that

heals

those

around them.

When we’re between the ages of 0-7 we’re constantly picking up on cues from our environment

and

learning from it. If a mom

expresses

anxiety, depression, abuse,

or

any

maladaptive behaviors around the child

during

those

years, then that child picks up on those cues and tends to mirror or express a derivative behavior.

That

becomes

the

child’s nature until they learn the error of their ways and decide to make a change for the better,

sometimes later on in life, sometimes never. One instance of this, in my experience, is that when I was younger I would observe my mom shut down when she and my dad got into a heated discussion, and in my adult life I made a connection because I avoid aggressiveness at all costs, especially when a conversation gets heated or I feel chastised. When I realized this, it made me wonder if her passiveness rubbed off on me, and then that made me wonder that if she had been more assertive and vocal during those times would I be more assertive (yes, I was a mama’s boy)? Just food for thought. As I stated earlier, I do believe that a healed mother raises a healed child and if we have enough healed mothers and women in general, then the rest of the community will heal by way of their light and example.

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