Blackbright - why straight women say they don't need men

Black - Bright Stimulates - Educates - Motivates Issue 30

Why women say they don’t need men Editorial by Myrna Loy

HAS YOUR RELATIONSHIP REACHED EMOTIONAL GRIDLOCK?

IS LOVER’S ROCK, FOREPLAY ON THE DANCE FLOOR?

WHY DO WOMEN SAY THEY DON’T WANT A MAN? Editorial, by Myrna Loy Men say that when a woman claims she doesn’t want a man, it is because she can’t get one; or because she has a ‘tree growing out of her face; or because no man wants her; or because she has lived alone for so long and she ‘dry up’; or she’s too independent and doesn’t know how to take care or make room for a man.

Women say: Men are too much hard work; they are too selfish; they don’t want to help out; they are more trouble than they are worth; ‘dem a get wet up fi nutten’, they put their friends/interests before her, or they don’t communicate.

I say, a certain kind of man could make a woman who says she doesn want a man, change her mind. I believe that most women who make this claim, have based their decision on past experiences - they are remembering past hurts, disappointments, betrayals and frustrations which they believe will be repeated in future relationships. They don’t believe that there are considerate, loyal, affectionate and supportive men who are not gay, in prison or with white women, but who are available and eligible, but who require a lot of patience to wean out.

We are told: “as we think - so we are”, so if we keep thinking that men are going to betray us, they will! If we believe that a man will not make us happy - he won’t. If you believe a man won’t help you do anything around the house, it might be because he feels he doesn’t have to because the female seems to be managing pretty well without his help, and so the cycle continues. A man who cannot make a woman happy is not his fault. As individuals, we are responsible for filling the gap in our hearts and our lives, the choices we make and ultimately our own peace of mind, and I am reporting on men, because it seems to be the woman who rejects the man, not the other way around!

Men and women were traditionally meant to be together, and it is sad to see so many men preferring to live alone for fear a woman is going to take what he has ‘materially’, and for so many women living alone for fear of what a man is going to take from her ‘psychologically’. Couples seemed to have lost confidence in themselves; they have lost trust in the goodness of each other, so that when two people meet, they start the relationship testing each other.

I strongly believe, that if the ‘right’ man walked through the door of a woman who claims she does not want a man, she would change her mind. I also believe that some men are so fearful of women, they make it difficult for a relationship to reach second stage, so women get frustrated. It seems we are fighting a losing battle. If there are eligible men out there who are afraid, and eligible women out there who believe there are no good men, relationships will reach a gridlock (see article in this issue). A ‘good’ man and a ‘good’ woman might never meet because they are avoiding each other! How ironic! It is sad that people who have been hurt, become overly cautious in new relationships and translate these traits as someone being unhelpful, insincere, inconsiderate, immature and insecure. If couples got to know each other, they might find that fear is propelled because one or both of them, are carrying around emotional baggage that is affecting their rational thinking. I don’t think women should say they don’t want a man because they are too much hard work, I think they should say, I will keep my eyes and my heart open for when the right man comes along!

Myrna Loy, Managing Editor

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CONTENTS

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1 Women Who Say They Don’t Want a Man Editorial

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3 FITUN - Deeply Concerned

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4 Snippets & Poems

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5 Violence in Families (Source: Parentdish)

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6 Humour Corner 7 FSA warns against lending over 50s

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8 The Bible’s views on sexuality (Source: Huffington Post) 9 Own Your Name Author Unknown

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11 Is Lover’s Rock Foreplay on the Dancefloor?

Myrna Loy 13 Let your child see this R-rated Movie

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15 Young People & Presents - should we bother?

16 Emotional Gridlock Rihanna Lightwood

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18 Love Yourself - Accept Yourself Leo Buscalia

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FITUN DEEPLY CONCERNED ABOUT ABUSE OF CIVIC RIGHTS DURING THE STATE OF EMERGENCY The Federation of Independent Trade Unions and NGOs (FITUN) is deeply concerned about the abuse of the civic rights of citizens of Trinidad and Tobago by the state during the current State of Emergency. In particular we cite: • The denial by the Commissioner of Police of permission to the labour movement to hold a peaceful public meeting in Tobago this coming Friday. If the State of Emergency is targeted at rooting out those involved in criminal activity and in particular violent crimes, gang activity, the illegal drug and arms trade, as has been stated by the Government, then there is no logical reason for denying the labour movement from holding public meetings. It is to be remembered that the labour movement is the one of the most established and oldest civil society organizations in the country and has contributed immeasurably to the development of the nation’s civic rights, democracy and independence. The government ought to demonstrate that its expressions that “those who are law abiding have nothing to fear and can continue with their legitimate activity” are not mere hollow words.

• The conditions in the nation’s prisons which in normal circumstances are overcrowded and lacking in basic sanitary needs but which, given the number of persons detained/arrested during the State of Emergency, are now placing citizens in inhumane conditions. This has been attested to by the Prison Officers Association – a member organization in FITUN – which has described the present prison conditions as being unacceptable for both those incarcerated and the prison officers themselves.

• The fact that there are increasing reports of persons who have been detained and/or arrested during the State of Emergency whose families have been unable to locate them, thus depriving them of possible legal representation and or access to clothes and other basic needs.

• Reports of persons who have been detained without any due cause as well as reports of physical abuse of persons by some officers of the police service and/or defense force. In addition, there are reports of the state forces seeking to enforce curfews on persons who work and/or live in non-curfew

zones.

FITUN is pleased that the Head of the Police Complaints Authority (PCA) has publicly stated that there should be no abuse of citizens by the state and that the PCA will address any such complaints of abuse fairly. We also call on civic minded members of the legal profession to make their services available on a pro bono basis to citizens who need legal advice and representation with respect to matters pertaining to any possible infringement of their civic rights.

FITUN calls on the Government and the Heads of the Police Service and Defense Force to ensure that there is no further abuse of civic rights; and that the Commissioner of Prisons implements proper conditions in the nation’s prisons. Anything less will undermine the confidence that citizens have in these institutions of state. This will aggravate the alienation of entire communities from mainstream society which is already at a critical state and this will result, ultimately, in the further deterioration of the society with consequential violence.

The objectives of the SoE of tackling violent crime and gangs will therefore be defeated in the longer term.

These concerns leave us to question the real purpose and value for the calling of this State of Emergency.

Source: Federation of Independent Trade Unions and NGOs.

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JUDGE NOT, LEST YE BE JUDGED Joe, who I always thought Was rotting away in hell, Was sitting pretty on cloud nine, Looking incredibly well.

I was shocked, confused, bewildered As I entered Heaven's door, Not by the beauty of it all, Nor the lights or its decor.

I nudged Jesus, 'What's the deal?

I would love to hear Your take.

How'd all these sinners get up here?

God must've made a mistake.

But it was the folks in Heaven Who made me sputter and gasp-The thieves, the liars, the sinners, The alcoholics and the trash.

'And why is everyone so quiet, So somber - give me a clue.'

'Hush, child,' He said, 'they're all in shock.

No one thought they'd be seeing you.'

There stood the kid from seventh grade Who swiped my lunch money twice.

Next to him was my old neighbor Who never said anything nice.

"We are Africans not because we are born in Africa, but because Africa is born in us. Look around you and behold us in our greatness. Greatness is an African possibility; you can make it yours. " -- Chester Higgins Jr.

Living You're Life with a Purpose (By Gerald) Do not weaken your worth by comparing yourself with others; It is because we are unique that makes each of us special.

Do not set your goals by what other people believe important, Only you know what is beneficial for you.

Do not take for granted the things that favorable to your heart Hold on to them as you would your life; for without them, life is empty.

Do not let your life slip through your fingers by living in the past nor for the future; by living your life one day at a time, you live all of the days of your life.

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Violence in Families

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Violence in families affects children's brains as much as danger on the battlefield affects soldiers, say scientists.

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Both children and soldiers become increasingly aware of potential threats.

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The long-term impact for children may be a higher susceptibility to mental health problems, according to experts from University College London (UCL) and the Anna Freud Centre.

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It is already known that abused children or those who witness domestic violence are at greater risk of anxiety and depression in later life.

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"We are only now beginning to understand how child abuse influences functioning of the brain's emotional systems," lead author Dr Eamon McCrory, from UCL's Division of Psychology and Language Sciences told the journal, Current Biology.

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"This research is important because it provides our first clues as to how regions in the child's brain may adapt to early experiences of abuse in the home.

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"Enhanced reactivity to a biologically salient threat cue such as anger may represent an adaptive response for these children in the short term, helping keep them out of danger.

However, it may also constitute an underlying neurobiological risk factor increasing their vulnerability to later mental health problems, and particularly anxiety.

"The next step for us is to try and understand how stable these changes are. Not every child exposed to family violence will go on to develop a mental health problem; many bounce back and lead successful lives. We want to know much more about those mechanisms that help some children become resilient."

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The scientists carried out out magnetic resonance imaging brain scans on 20 London children with an average age of 12 who had been exposed to violence at home, and who had all been referred to local social services.

www.myspace.com/talkin_blues Contact: Claudette Stapleton on: 07904 385 584 for more information

While in the scanner, the children were shown pictures of male and female faces with sad, calm or angry expressions.

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Their patterns of brain activity were compared with those of 23 matched children with no history of family violence.

The brains of children exposed to violence responded in a distinct way to angry faces.

Previous research has shown a similar pattern in the brains of soldiers exposed to violence combat situations.

The scans suggest both combat veteran soldiers and children who witness violence tune their brains to be hyper-aware of danger around them http://www.parentdish.co.uk

HUMOUR CORNER A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximat ely 30 feet above ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.

She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be an Obama Democrat."

"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct. But I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."

The man smiled and responded, "You must be a Republican."

"I am," replied the balloonist. “How did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are -- or where you are going. You've risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now it's my fault."

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FSA Warns Against Lending to Over-50s Mortgage lenders should take a more "robust" approach to applications from those approaching retirement, the Financial Services Authority (FSA) has said.

The regulator's Mortgage Market Review noted that more than half (53%) of borrowers aged over 50 have mortgages stretching beyond the age of 65.

An even larger proportion of borrowers over 50 (65%) said they had specific plans to borrow into their retirement.

Many planned to downsize to smaller properties - but rather than clearing their mortgages, they planned to increase their borrowing to support their quality of life in retirement and help the struggling younger generation get on to the property ladder.

Citizens Advice Bureau reported seeing poor lending decisions to older people, including a recentlyretired man who had been granted a 20-year mortgage for ÂŁ135,000 18 months earlier by a lender who knew his age and knew he was approaching retirement. He fell into arrears and the lender applied to the court for possession, the report said In another case, a 60-year-old woman said she was working and in debt when she had been advised to take out a 40-year term mortgage by a high street lender, five years previously. The woman was later on a state pension and was paying her mortgage interest-only.

She also had ÂŁ70,000 of other debt, and was under "considerable mental stress", the report said.

The FSA said: "We recognise that retirement age is becoming increasingly fluid, as state pension ages are put back. We also recognise that it is not possible to accurately predict retirement income, particularly where consumers are many years away from retirement.

"However, the proportion of consumers who work beyond state pension age is not high, with, for example, 11% of men aged 65-69 working full-time, falling to 1.4% aged 70 or over."

The report said: "The degree of scrutiny that the lender applies may vary according to the period of time remaining to state pension age.

"The closer it is, the more robust the evidence of the level of income in retirement should be." Š 2011 Press Association

Comment from the Editor: Another tactic to povertise and restrict those who have invested time, money and years into this society, the community and to the world at large!! Absolutely disgraceful!

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The Bible and its views on Sexuality

The culture wars over family values have yet to reach dĂŠtente and will not until the Messiah comes (or returns, depending on the reader's affiliation).

Battles continue over women's equality vs. a wife's graceful submission, nofault divorce vs. attempts to strengthen marital bonds, the ordaining of gays and lesbians and the legalization of "gay marriage" vs. exhortations to "love the sinner but hate the sin," birth control and abortion, private sexual expression vs. public interest....

People who read the Bible often find themselves on the opposite sides of many of these issues. This does not mean that they are necessarily reading their texts incorrectly. Indeed, before we even ask, "What does the Bible say?" we need to ask, "Whose Bible?" Canons and so, cannons - differ among various Christian churches as well as between Jews and Christians, as do translations.

Moreover, the Bible is open to multiple interpretations: we need to determine what is metaphor and what is to be taken literally, what is case specific and what is timeless, what is a matter of personal choice and what should be legislated.

How then do we read in a manner that is grounded and thoughtful rather than uninformed or soporific? Here are five general guidelines.

One approach is to begin with the broad picture of what the Bible says about physical intimacy. Before addressing the various "Thou shalt nots," it is often salutary to look at the "Thou shalts" and the "Thou might want tos." For example, although traditionally read as a love song between God and Israel, or Christ and the Church, the Song of Solomon/Song of Songs celebrates physical intimacy between a man and a woman. Even Sarah, Abraham's menopausal wife, speaks of the pleasure she will have with her husband (Genesis 18:12, a verse easily remembered given

the cannons in Tchaikovsky's 1812 overture). Ancient Hebrew women were not expected to lie back and think of Torah.

A second is to acknowledge that the Bible is often less a book of answers than a book that helps us ask the right questions. From the narratives of rape, we learn to listen for the voice of the victim; we find that sexual abuse happens in the best of families, including that of King David; we realize that revenge taken on the perpetrator of sexual abuse leads to more abuse, to war, to death; we discover that this crime, like that of adultery, impacts more than just the people directly involved: it impacts their extended families, and society as a whole. And it means knowing that the perpetrators as well as their families are also human beings, also in the image and likeness of the divine.

Third, we must read carefully. This means not simply looking at what the text says: it requires seeking accurate translation, knowing to the best of our ability why the text was written and what it meant to its original audience, determining how it has been interpreted over time and what other passages say concerning the same subject.

For example, the first interpreter of the story of Sodom and Gomorrah, the prophet Ezekiel, condemns Sodom not for homosexuality but for "pride, excess of food, and prosperous ease" and for failing to "aid the poor and needy" (Ezekiel 16:49). Nor does the story suggest that homosexuality is the problem.

The Hebrew of Genesis 19 tells us that all the people of Sodom sought to "know" the two visitors: the people would have included the women, and they, like the men, died in the conflagration that destroyed their city. The problem is sexual violence, not homosexuality; attempted rape, not love.

As for the Levitical commandments typically cited as prohibiting homosexuality, the Hebrew is not as clear as some claim, and the historicizing rationales typically proposed for the injunctions e.g., keeping up the birth rate, avoiding Canaanite practices -- lack foundation.

Some readers even find the Levitical codes trumped by earlier pronouncements: given that Genesis 2:18 states

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that it is not good for the human being to be alone, they cannot support condemning gay people to lives of singleness and solitude.

Fourth, we do well to recognize that biblical standards are not always our standards, and nor should they be. The Bible makes adultery a capital crime; if that legislation were put into practice, we'd knock out a third of our population.

King Solomon had 700 wives and 300 concubines; we become apoplectic over bigamy .

Fifth, we should continually reassess our views. If we ignore tradition, experience, science, and the personal testimony of our neighbors and look only to Scripture, we become bibliolators: we turn the Bible into an idol. And if we listen to those with whom we disagree rather than dismiss them as benighted literalists or atheistic relativists, then at the very least we might be able to avoid the demonization that usually comes with the culture wars Amy-Jill Levine and Douglas Knight Source: www.huffingtonpost.com

Own Your Name (Author Unknown)

But apparently I guessed wrong about the worst being over. Once again, I am left with a name that isn't really mine to keep.

The debate about women changing their names upon marriage lingers throughout the ages and continues today, even in this very publication. People try to skirt the convention with hyphenation, using one name personally and another professionally, and now some couples even seek to create a new last name to mark their new status as a family or the man may even take his wife's last name. But what happens when it goes south?

After Demi & Ashton split, magazines ran polls about Demi changing her Twitter handle @mrskutcher (which she smartly replied isn't really a priority for her right now). So just as there is as much pressure to change your name in the first place, there is just as much pressure to change back. Not even beautiful and famous Demi Moore is immune to it.

When people heard of my divorce, one of the first questions after "are you okay," was "what are you going to do with your name?" But why? Is it as Housewright says -- his name, his property? Does that rule apply when you have children or you were married longer than ten years? Or is it like the wedding ring, something you don't have to give back?

And somehow technology -- instead of making it easier, makes it worse -- just think about your email address and Facebook and Twitter and your usernames for all of your accounts online -- imagine what it would take to change all of that? Not to mention the rigors of post-9/11 identification verifications procedures for government paperwork. Before you could quietly slip back to your maiden name, order new checks, throw out the old stationary, but now your name change becomes a status update and email alerting people to update their in-boxes. Can we say adding insult to injury?

As I write this, I might caution new brides to keep their own names, but I don't fully agree with that.

Despite everything, I still believe in marriage and family and tradition. Maybe I'm old fashioned, but I like the idea of monogrammed towels and stationary and being able to RSVP that yes, Mr. & Mrs. Smith will be in attendance at Suzy's bat mitzvah.

When Ed Housewright wrote his piece on reclaiming his last name from his ex-wife titled, Can I Please Have My Name Back?, I actually spoke out loud to the computer, saying, yes, yes, you can. But then I stopped; who would I give my name back to? And which name?

I've never really had my own name, least not for very long. At birth, the paperwork read Brandi Megan Squire, a perfectly respectable name for a girl born in a sea of 1974 Jennifers. It wasn't because of the song. My mom says it just popped into her head when they announced it's a girl; she expected a boy, someone to be named Chad.

This name suited me just fine, until my mom remarried. This was the 80s -- yes, divorce happened; yes, people remarried, but not like today. Once, after a girl banged my head into a paper towel dispenser, the principal told my mother that bullying happens to children from single parent families, even though at that point my mom had been remarried to my awesome step-dad for six years. Our different last names served as a notice to the world. A world that for some reason held onto bias like a drowning person clings to a life raft. Luckily, later that year, with the help of some paperwork and a bit of cash, I officially joined my family in name, becoming Brandi Megan Tarnowski.

At 19, I found myself in a somewhat fool-hearted marriage. At first, I resisted changing my name. I held out for a year. Then in an act of solidarity or maybe a whim of the heart, I drove down to the Division of Motor Vehicles and started the process.

My first publications and my Bachelor's degree bore this newly minted name, Brandi Megan Scollins. Six months later, we divorced.

When I married the second time, I waited a full eleven years before changing my name. When I floated the idea of changing it, my daughter cast the deciding vote. Apparently our lack of a common last name bothered her. So again, I filed the mountain of paperwork, figuring at eleven years strong, the worst was over, and this one was a keeper. My driver's license and the back of my USA Archery shirts now read Mantha.

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KKK

BLACKBRIGHT NEWS

Two Ku Klux Klan (KKK) robes have been donated to The Smithsonian’s National Museum of African American History and Culture, it has been announced.

The museum in Washington, was given one of controversial outfits, worn by members of the far-right organisation, on Monday (Nov 28) by the widow of human rights activist and writer Stetson Kennedy who passed away in August, aged 94.

The other was donated to the museum, which opens in 2015, by the great-great-grandson of KKK chaplain Phineas Miller Nathaniel Wilds ahead of its exhibit, which will look at journey of slaves from Africa, the Civil War and the profile their accomplishments in music, sports and culture.

The racist organisation flourished in the US, with a stronger hold in the south, in the 1860s. They have been associated with opposing the civil rights movement and progress among minorities engaging in terrorism and political violence.

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hugs build confidence, and many of us hugged on the dance floor” Most men went to the dance to get the hug they never got from their mothers or were too macho to accept it.

But these same men filled the room when Lovers Rock was playing so that they could legitimately receive a hug and not be seen as weak and vulnerable or doing so.

Comedienne Angie Le Mar recalled: “we didn’t even know what the man looked like half the time, it was so dark” . When dem tun on de light, there was a shudder: “Eeeewwwww him hugly bruh!” Similarly with the men, it was the intimacy of the dance that captured them, not what woman the woman looked like - the dance spoke volumes! So even if we weren’t physically attracted to each other, the dance made many of us who found a compatible dance partner, ‘feel good’.

LOVER’S ROCK FOREPLAY ON THE DANCE FLOOR! As black British women, we downplayed our womanly powers to manipulate our counterparts by using the rhythm of our bodies to make a connection on the dance floor. We placed no credence on our knack of building lasting relationships by nuzzling, smoozing, moving our hands up and down our dance partner’s back, meandering the lower parts of our body while dancing to lovers rock.

The man we spent the night dancing with would, more often than not, turn out to be our man, if he wasn’t already the man of someone named Paulette, Pamela, Beverley or Sonia. When night’s dance partner found his way into our bedroom, many latched onto him for their dear lives, remaining loyal regardless of who he was dealing with (and most times we knew her!); regardless of whether he was working; regardless of how many baby mudda he had, and in some cases, regardless of how many times him box her down.

Lovers Rock was not only about the romantic aspect of love on the dance floor, but it was about the enduring love ‘through thick and thin’, through the good times and the bad times. Those were the days when men were not dispensable, or maybe women did not have the confidence or level of self-esteem they have now! A blues dance where they played Lovers Rock, was the place where many found someone to love!

Many of us who lived through that era, did not recognise our sexuality was being put on display. It didn’t seem to matter how close our private parts connected with someone we didn’t know, or how similar the movements were to having sex, we would shrug it off at the end of it and say “it was just a dance!”, even though we sensed something was happening throughout the dance that did not have a label - . probably the release of endorphins.

Victor Romero Evans said: “everybody needs a hug -

Today, a woman looks the man who has come over to dance with her, up and down - the man is afraid to come over. There is hesitation, mistrust, attitude, resentment on the dance floor today. If a man touches a woman’s elbow as a cue that he wants to dance with her, he will get one look or worse still, made to feel embarrassed.

It didn’t matter if a man didn’t say “can I have a dance with you please” – if he touched your elbow, or pulled you towards him, it was animal magnetism, it was not construed as rudeness by the majority of females of that era.

When a man touched my elbow as a gesture he wanted to dance, I used to pray that he wasn’t bad looking and that he could dance - if he couldn’t dance, I wouldn’t dance with him again, but if he could dance....

I was called the ‘broke back queen’, back then. Famous for going right back, going down, coming back up, whining and grining, with a super-cool expression, while my body moves were passionate and deliberately synchronised. I was making my dance partner weak at the knees - I felt powerful knowing that if I wanted him, I could have him.

I remember going to a house dance in Kensal Rise, and this 6’2” man came up to me and asked me to dance – not the type I would normally go for – he was too good looking and smartly dressed in a silver tonic suit. His hazely-green eyes stared deep into my eyes, I couldn’t resist him. He could dance – we were meant for each other! We danced for hours and hours, he went off and bought me a drink and the dance continued until the birds started singing in the morning. At the end of the dance, a woman came up to him and said: “I am ready to go home now” He looked irritated. I was surprised.

He had come with someone and was dancing with me all night! I heard him say “Gwaan home den nah”. “I need a lift” she said meekly, to which he responded: ask “Tony fe drop you home!” I felt so important. The era of the house dance was well nice!

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A lovers rock dance, was never just a dance, especially when the chemistry was right and the man held you in such a way that it made your body melt. After a successful night of dancing to lover’s rock, if stimulated dancing couples didn’t end up in the same bed that same night because the male hadn’t come alone or female was living with her parents, sex or an illicit affair was bound to ensue shortly afterwards, even if it was just out of curiosity on the part of the man, and a chance for a potential relationship on the part of the woman.

There is an argument that people kept house dance because black people were not allowed in the pubs. All I knew at the time was that someone would tell us the area where the dance was going to be held, and then we would try and find it. We didn’t have a clue, a road, or a number - we would drive around the area until we heard the boom from the speaker boxes, or failing that, we would follow black people in a car and hope they knew where they were going. Often, it was the blind following the blind, but if they did know where they were going, we would park up quick so we got in before them.

We would enter the house under the guise that ‘Beverley, Sonia , Lorna or Maxine” had invited us. Everyone knew a Beverley, Sonia a Lorna or a Maxine, so we were bound to get in. Men would use names like Tony, Junior and Winston to get in – no-one really cared whether people were legitimately invited, they just wanted to know they had a crowd at their party. Once inside, everyone would be squeezing past each other with either a Special Brew, Tennants, Babycham or Cherry B in one hand, and poser cigarettes, e.g. Dunhill or St Moritz in another, and hole a corner and wait for the lovers rock tunes to come on. I always got a dance, because once I started gyrating slowly by myself in the corner and didn’t try to make eye contact, there was bound to be one man who was curious enough to come over, pull me and ask me for a dance, and once that move was made, it done deh soh!

No retreat – no surrender!

and then start meandering their hips slowly, knowing full well that it wouldn’t be long, before the person they were teasing would come over and ask for a dance. The successful predator would then wink at her girlfriends, and the game was on! Friends would be nudging to see how long the dance would last!

According to www.planet-science.com Dancing is the male Bird of Paradise’s way of attracting a female and is called a courtship display - it involves a special set of behaviours that animals perform to win a mate, which is not too dissimilar to what happens on the dance floor.

The Story of Lovers Rock was unable to capture the intricacies of the lovers rock era due to lack of footage but Menelik did an excellent job with what he had. I would have liked it to have seen more about the way the dance led to relationships and marriages, and the way lover’s rock music was an integral part of satisfying our Black British culture and our basic need to be loved.

Because of political correctness, intimacy doesn’t happen on the dance floor in the same way, (unless you go to Apollo Nightclub on Willesden Lane ) this is the only place I know that has consistently managed to maintain the lover’s rock theme since the 1960s. In young people’s clubs, women tend show a man ‘the hand’ who comes up to them politely and asks for a dance. Many men are reluctant to ask women to dance just in case they are rejected.

Women didn’t reject frivolously in the Lovers Rock era, mainly because it didn’t matter what they looked like as long as they had someone to dance with. It was too dark to see who was asking you anyway, and besides, most women were so anxious to dance with someone, they were not about to refuse anyone. Some people ended up with the most unlikely partners because of their ability to use the way they danced to lovers rock as foreplay [COMMENTS WELCOME]. (artist of painting below, unknown)

Yes, every Saturday night, women would glam up and men would put on their sweet-smelling Aramis or Paco Robanne, their Gabichi’s (which was a cardigan with leather trimmings and patterns). The roots guys would wear Beaver hats and the cool guys would get their hair cut in a ‘skiffle’. They would arrive at the party with their ‘spars’ (or ‘bredren’) bundled up in a Ford Cortina, Hillman Hunter or Ford Capri, and then walk in the dance doing the short-foot bounce. Once in the dance, they would lean up against the wall, toes spread outward in their crocodile shoes, one hand supporting the elbow, while the other hand stroking their chin or goatee, eyeing up the women as they passed.

Little did the men know, that most women had a plan of their own. They had already eyed up the object of their affection and was anticipating reciprocation, which wasn’t usually long in coming. Once they had clocked someone they liked, they would look demurely down, every now and then they would look up to maintain contact,

12

Let your children see this R-rated movie

by Shawn at Parenting

It was the stomach ache that lasted a week.

On a Monday morning in first grade, I told my mom I was sick, feeling gross, tummy hurts. Of course, she did her good mom thing. Take this Pepto Bismol. Drink this Coke. Eat these Saltines. With each passing day, the illness confused her a little more, the looks on her face more quizzical. We saw a doctor. Tongue depressors.

Pushing on my abdomen. More quizzical looks.

The last thing I remember about that week was the end of it. Sitting at our kitchen table with my mother and father. By then, they knew I was a fraud. I was not sick.

I was scared. But still I begged. Please don’t make me go back to school.

What my mom and dad didn’t know--what no one knew, really--was that I was not allowed on the school playground. The Kid made sure of it. At recess, the students at Clarksville Elementary flocked to the playground: a large expanse of matted dirt and gravel peppered with slides, swings and molecularly shaped climbing structures; a massive oak tree was the center attraction. But I never slid, swung or climbed. Acting as a bouncer, The Kid eyed me, ensuring I stayed on the nearby asphalt parking lot, away from friends and classmates, away from acceptance. His fists and elbows enforced the rules. I was the dog with a shock collar, and he installed the invisible electric fence. One recess, I tried to sneak on. I made it into the shade of the oak tree. That’s where he found me. He socked me in the gut. Hard. Enough to provoke tears. That was the day I got the stomachache.

I got bullied. My son has been bullied. 13.1 million kids will be bullied this year. Lee Hirsch was bullied throughout his childhood and middle school. That’s why he wrote and directed Bully, the new documentary about an epidemic that we are addressing in the public eye, but are letting off the hook in school hallways and on playgrounds. See the trailer here: While he considered doing the movie for years, Hirsch didn’t get serious until April 2009. That’s when he heard about two 11-year-old boys: Carl Joseph Walker-Hoover of Massachusetts, and Jaheem Herrera of Georgia. They both took their own lives as a result of chronic bullying.

On a Monday night, Carl's mother found him hanging by an extension cord on the second floor of their home. He was called gay on a daily basis at school.

Almost three years to the day after Carl and Jaheem took their lives, Bully will hit theaters (April 23). And Bully is no talking head film. It's not a series of interviews with principals in bad sweaters and psychologists in front of plastic ferns blathering on about the bully mentality. Bully takes you into the schools, into the cruelty, into the anxiety of those long walks down the locked-adorned hallways. In this film you’ll see kids

punched in the face and the stomach. Boys swarming like hornets on bus rides. You see a bespectacled boy getting choked, his face smashed into the bus seat in front of him. The boy's mother visits the school and pleads for help. "I've been on that bus," the school administrator says. "They are just as good as gold. " The film went viral earlier this week when the MPAA gave it an R rating, based on strong language. (Bullies aren’t Pixar characters, you know.) That inspired a serious backlash from producer Harvey Weinstein. “As a father of four, I worry every day about bullying,” Weinstein states in his press release. “It’s a serious and ever-present concern for me and my family. I want every child, parent, and educator in America to see Bully, so it is imperative for us to gain a PG-13 rating”.

You can’t blame the MPAA for doing its job. F-bombs are f-bombs. So here’s what we’re going to do: We’re going to say “f#@$ the f$#@ing MPAA.” Let your underage child watch the movie. Sneak him into the movie theater in a backpack, or put him under your trench coat. Wait for the DVD and watch it together as a family. Granted, Bully isn’t for little kids, but if your child can handle Spider Man 2 (which he did, with flying colors—admit it) and was within earshot when you stubbed your $#@$ing toe on the leg on the dining room table (which he was), he can handle this movie. The bullies in this documentary are no scarier than Dr. Octopus or Voldemort. But the school administrators, teachers, and bus drivers who aren't seeing the problem just might be.

An brutal R-rated eye-opener might be exactly what grown-ups and kids need. “For a 7th grader, it could mean standing up for a peer who is being bullied,” says Hirsch. “As a teacher, it might mean standing in the hall between classes to look out for the more vulnerable kids in the building. Administrators might decide to put their paperwork aside... and take extra time to get to the bottom of a student conflict. And perhaps parents will see a need to spend more time asking their children about their day”.

The day I went back to first grade, all the students in my class met my mother and I at the door. They smothered us with cheerful hellos. They helped me hang up my backpack, and put my lunchbox in my cubby. I learned years later that my teacher Mrs. Ritter and my mom had spoken during my weeklong hiatus. Mrs. Ritter had orchestrated it, asking the children to make sure I felt welcome. That moment marked the end of my short-lived bullying experience. The same cannot be said of Carl and Jaheem. I mean, I probably only missed twenty or so trips across the monkey bars, maybe a dozen attempts to scale that big oak tree. Even though I endured months of harassment and abuse, I was one of the lucky ones

13

DID YOU KNOW….

THE LEGAL REQUIREMENTS TO RUN RAFFLES/LOTTERIES It has been brought to our attention that some staff are holding raffles within services, for example, to generate income for staff Trust Funds or patient amenities. Whilst these are undoubtedly good causes, can we please draw your attention to the following legal requirements which, if not met, would mean the Trust is contravening the Gambling Act. Any raffle/lottery where tickets are sold over a period of days/weeks requires a licence from the relevant local authority (e.g. district, city, borough council). There are severe financial penalties (up to £20,000) if raffles are held without a licence. The first step in applying for a licence is to contact the Trust’s finance department for advice. It can be a complex process thereafter, so please do build in plenty of time. There is a cost involved, at least £40, so think about whether the cost is likely to outweigh the eventual benefits

If you are holding a raffle/lottery over the course of one day (i.e. selling tickets and making the draw on the same day) there is no need to apply for a licence (there are no additional requirements to meet) If you have already started a raffle and have been selling tickets over the course of more than one day without a licence, there are two options: immediately contact the finance department to consider applying for a licence, suspend the selling of tickets until the licence is received and set a new date for the draw if the original draw date is prior to the licence being received. People who have already bought tickets will need to be contacted, advised of the new draw date, and given the option of having their money back; cancel the raffle and return the monies for the tickets already sold.

Further guidance is available in the Trust’s Charity Funds Policy and Guidance in the policies section:

Mortgage fees jump by £151 in a year Julia Kollewe Aug 2011

Mortgage fees have climbed £151 over the last year – a rise of 17% - as lenders offset lower mortgage rates by putting up arrangement fees, according to Moneyfacts.

At the same time, e.surv, Britain's biggest firm of property valuers, revealed that while lenders have slashed fix-rate mortgages to record lows, only existing homeowners are benefiting while first-time buyers and those on lower incomes are being squeezed.

Moneyfacts reports that in August 2010 the average mortgage arrangement fee was £879 - today it stands at £1,030.

The highest fee on the market is £3,800, which is being charged by Accord Mortgages, through selected intermediaries. Meanwhile, Precise Mortgages charges the highest percentage arrangement fee at 2%.

Only 357 of mortgages on the market charge no arrangement fee.

Michelle Slade of Moneyfacts says: "Lenders appear to be offsetting the low mortgage rates on offer by increasing the arrangement fees. The average arrangement fee has increased by 17% as lenders battle it out to offer the lowest headline rate. Percentage fees have become increasingly common, with one lender charging as much as 2%. Slade says 12% of mortgages charge no arrangement fee and many of these regularly appear in the Moneyfacts best buy tables, which are based on true cost.

With 2,873 mortgages available, there is a raft of rate/fee combinations for borrowers to consider. The key to deciphering the maze of thousands of mortgages and getting the best deal is for borrowers to do their homework and shop around.

Source: www.walletpop.co.uk

14

Young children and presents: Should we even bother?

By Elsie Button Present giving at children's birthdays and Christmas has become a tense time for me. Each time a celebration is in the offing, I know that I will have to navigate disappointed children, family politics, strained friendships and a houseful of plastic flashing animals with spinning heads.

The market is saturated with ever more weird and wonderful all singing and dancing toys that can do just about anything. But in my experience kids just do not play with these things.

Instead they like to make their own fun with the random stuff lying around such as laundry baskets, duvets, stale bread crusts and masking tape.

Well-meaning friends and relatives buy these things for my children, and look on expectantly as the presents are unwrapped. More often than not, the kids play with their new toy for five minutes, if that, before casting it aside in favour of making a ball or a house out of the packaging.

To add insult to injury you then have to go through the rigmarole of writing thank you cards for unwanted gifts. So you spend the weeks leading up to Christmas writing cards and wrapping presents and then the weeks after Christmas writing and sending more cards, and stuffing unwanted presents into bin liners.

But if you don't write the thank you cards, you store up trouble for yourself down the line. It's all a total nightmare.

As for this idea of small children needing to have a 'big present'. Surely there is no correlation between the cost of a present and the degree of pleasure a child will get from it?

Young children don't have a perception of cost - although I do understand that this tends to change as they get older. I would be naive to think that a 10-year-old would be content with just a cardboard box and some sellotape to play with.

Sarah, a mum of two young children, wholeheartedly disagrees with me. She says that the big present is an absolute must. She lives for the look on her kid's faces when they open up their life-sized electronic car, or their three storey wendy house, and that not to give a big expensive present is a form of cruelty and deprivation.

I reckon a bag of pipe cleaners and pack of blu tack is far more gratefully received than a flashing robot that does everything including taking pictures, shooting video, and teaching your child how to speak Mandarin.

I speak from bitter experience here. I once bought a beautiful wooden tea shop with little wooden cakes and a wooden till. My kids just don't play with it. They would much rather make their own shop out of a fire-guard and some blankets, and make cakes out of all the flowerheads in my garden. Meanwhile my husband often finds me dusting the tea shop, arranging the wooden cakes beautifully, and sorting out all the play money in the till.

One mum told me that the anticipation of presents is often as special as the presents themselves, so that makes the whole thing worth it. This is fair enough. I would go further than this and say that the anticipation of all the beautifully wrapped presents under the tree, and the shaking of the boxes to work out what's in them, far outweighs the actual present inside.

But why not justify the children's anticipation by providing carefully pre-selected presents that you know your children will like?

I'm going to stick to my guns. Now I just need to find a way to make people actually stick to the list, and avoid an offensive object, destined for landfill, ending up under my tree.

15

Step 1

Step 2

Step 3

EMOTIONAL GRIDLOCK Emotional gridlock is not simply a battle of wills. It's true that partners often take rigid adversarial positions with each other. This is particularly true when they depend on a reflected sense of self.

But once you get your willfulness under control, emotional gridlock doesn’t go away because there’s a lot more going on. At times gridlock can be caused by willfulness and value conflicts, but these are one-dimensional views.

Emotional gridlock is multi-dimensional and dynamic. Gridlock involves many aspects of a relationship and both partners’ makeup. Gridlock is very much tied to your 4 Points of Balance (level of differentiation). Gridlock can spill over from one relationship issue to another. Gridlock involves the process of elimination which happens over time. To make sense of all this, let's start by explaining emotional gridlock.

AN ACCURATE PICTURE OF AN EMOTIONAL GRIDLOCK Think of a traffic jam in downtown New York. Nothing moves, but the system is dynamic, not static.

One driver's attempts to move are blocked by another' driver's car, which is also similarly blocked.

It’s not simply stubbornness. One couldn’t back up and accommodate the other even if he or she wanted to. There is something (another car) that prevents them from backing up and getting out of each other’s way. All key intersections are blocked. No one can move forward, backwards or sideways. It’s not reducible to a battle of wills, road rage, or an urge to kill each other. Drivers can’t get out of each other’s way even if they want to. Relationships are often like that too.

Emotional gridlock occurs when one partner's preferences or preferred position is blocked by what the other person prefers to do (or not do). Or one partner’s preferred way of doing things is incompatible with how the other wants to handle things. Partners often don’t start out with an adversarial stance or set their wills against each other. Gridlock easily develops by partners going out of their way to accommodate each other, and validate each other. This is why it’s not a Mexican standoff or a battle of wills or reducible to incompatible values.

In emotional gridlock, both partners are stuck. At the outset of a relationship partners are eager to accommodate. You accommodate when you can and have no desire to block each other. But eventually you and your partner can't accommodate each other without: • • •

violating your sense of self, or giving up something you hold dear, or tolerating more anxiety and discomfort.

When you reach this point, you and your partner won't accommodate each other any longer. At this point the two of you are gridlocked. Antagonism, hostility, willful defiance, and passive-aggressiveness start to rise. This may not have been the source of gridlock, but it is often the result. Gridlock commonly arises from depending on your partner for a positive reflected sense of self, expecting him or her to accommodate you to keep your anxiety down and your feelings in check.

If you think you can avoid gridlock by compromising and negotiating, guess again. Couples who compromise and negotiate everything end up gridlocked too. Eventually you end up with no way to compromise and keep your integrity intact. It turns out emotional gridlock can also be caused by the sheer process of elimination.

Source: http://crucible4points.com/simplebrains/fourpoints/thoughtData/16.html

16

YOUR IMAGINATION “Your imagination is key to creating change in your life. A flexible and creative mind has the power to remove negativity and obstructions to happiness.

If you look around you right now, you will realize that most everything you see began in someone’s imagination.

The chair you’re sitting in.

The computer in front of you.

If all these things began in someone’s imagination, you will also need to use your own imagination effectively to create the happiness you desire. This game was designed to help you do that.”

Clearing Emotional Gridlock Sometimes there is so much going on in a situation, it seems impossible to make headway in a positive direction. Emotional entanglements are rampant in our society and you may feel powerless, however, there is a way to loosen up the emotional gridlock using symbols with your imagination.

Step One: Think about a situation you are experiencing that just doesn’t seem to get better, no matter what you try. Use this symbol to help you visualize the problem very clearly.

Step 3

Step 4

Step 5

Step 6

Step Two: Now we are going to use your imagination to clear the emotional entanglements you have around this situation. Look at the symbol below and imagine that you are on a path and you’ve hit a crossroads where the intersection branches off in many different directions. There is a big signpost with signs for all the different destinations, yet for some reason, you can’t see them clearly. Maybe the words are fuzzy and out of focus, creating confusion in your mind. How frustrating it is to find this at a place where you must decide what you are going to do and which direction will take you where you want to go!

Step Three: Let us suppose that by going through the following sequence, you will be able to see the signs clearly and know intuitively what to do and which path (if any) is the correct one to follow.

Look at this symbol for a few moments and imagine that you are untangling a messy ball of yarn.

Stay with it until the tangles are completely gone.

Step Four: Imagine that you are in a battlefield filled with warriors fighting in hand to hand combat. As you look at this symbol transform the situation. Imagine that all the warriors awaken as if from a nightmare and they all set down their weapons, including you.

Step Five: Imagine that you are at a toy store where a crowd of people are struggling to get the last toy on the shelf. Now use the symbol to transform and clear negativity as you imagine that the toy turns into a pile of maggots. Now imagine that the maggots are disappearing into thin air.

Step Six: Now imagine that you are back at the crossroads again. How has it changed? Use this affirmation to clear up any remaining emotional confusion: “I release all false information. I now perceive clearly.”

Step Seven: Now you can use Kuan Yin’s symbol to complete the game. Use this final affirmation: “I follow the path where I can receive blessings.”

You can successfully use your imagination with these healing symbols to clear confusion and obstructions out of your subconscious mind. The next time you encounter this emotional situation, notice if the dynamics have changed for you.

2010 © Rheanni Lightwater All Rights Reserved.

Soul Resources offers Kuan Yin’s Games and other series such as Sacred Cow Tipping as a service to the community.

17

by Leon Buscalia

Love yourself - Accept yourself “Love yourself—accept yourself— forgive yourself—and be good to yourself, because without you the rest of us are without a source of many wonderful things.” ~ Leo F. Buscaglia~

There are certain things that most of us understand are true. We know that no one can love us if we don’t love ourselves. We know we shouldn’t blame ourselves for things other people have done. We know we need to accept ourselves or else we’ll never be happy. But sometimes despite knowing these things intellectually, we forget them internally. Sometimes we need to take a deep breath and remember we’re doing the best we can—and our best is good enough. Today if you’re tempted to get hard on yourself over that situation that didn’t pan out, or that relationship that didn’t work out, or the bad habit you didn’t cut out, cut yourself some slack instead. We all have room for improvement; it’s called being human. But also, we all have gifts and talents that can make the world a better place. We can only share them if we realize that who we are is worth sharing

18

TIDYING UP YOUR CLOSET When designing or reconfiguring a closet, follow these tips: 1. Sort your wardrobe. Group each type of clothing (jackets, shirts, skirts, pants, and dresses) and hang them together on a rod or rack. Measure how much space is required for each category.

2. Maximize space. Install rods where they are most useful.

Position rods eleven to twelve inches from the back wall, allowing items twenty-two to twenty-four inches of depth and thirty-two to thirty-six inches of vertical hanging space.

3. Install drawers. Small items like socks and scarves are best stores in drawers. Bear in mind, however, that drawers are the most expensive component of a closet. If you have a dresser elsewhere in the room, consider limiting or eliminating closet drawer space.

4. Build in cubbies. Cubes are a see-at-a-glance solution for storing such items as sweaters, purses, hats, jeans, and shoes.

5. Accessorize your closet. Add bells and whistles such as specialized racks for belts, ties, shoes, and bags, which keep these smaller items from becoming a jumble.

6. Use every inch. Claim air rights by adding shelves above racks for extra storage. Hooks on closet doors afford quick access to frequently used items like tote bags.

The nuts and bolts: Clothing can weight a lot. To avoid collapse, make sure to select the correct anchors when attaching rods and shelves. For Sheetrock walls, the anchors should be attached to the studs. For lath and plaster walls, use molly bolts, which have spring winged tips that expand once inserted into the wall and distribute weight better than a regular screw bolt. For plaster and brick walls, use lead or plastic shields. http://www.stylelist.com/stacey-platt-and-sarah-hayon/cleaning-tip-closet-design-savvy_b_1133616.html?ncid=webmail11

DJ Lady Loy Selects with respect the best in Reggae Every Sunday 8pm - 10pm (GMT) www.jamrockradio.com 21

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BLACKBRIGHT NEWS Giving Hope to Our Young... ...The Negotiators of our Future

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