How to become a good listener?

On a scale of 1 to 10, how much would you rate communication as being a quality required for forging ahead in your job? In the age of endless means of communication, how often do we find ourselves understood? Or heard even? How many times has miscommunication been the reason for conflicts in your workplace or personal life? Most of the times it is not about what you communicate but how you do it. When it comes to becoming a pro at communication, putting your points across certainly matters. More than so being a good listener takes you places. Either it is maintaining a cordial relationship with your co-worker or interacting effectively with the customers or getting the instructions correct to get the job done, the key is effective listening. Avoid doing these if you want to become a “Good Listener.”

1. Being silent: We mustn’t confuse listening to being silent. Rather than just listening passively to what the other person is saying, try to get the insight of what the person is really trying to convey by asking questions. Asking good questions regularly during the conversation shows that you are genuinely comprehending what is being said and interested enough to wanting to discover more on the issue. This develops the speaker’s confidence in you and helps in building a good rapport. Also, asking questions will clarify things on both end as to what is the intention of the speaker and what had been understood by the listener. However, you would want to be careful on not disrupting the conversation by asking questions on the wrong times. The easiest cue to ask would be when the speaker is on pause and not when they are on a full flow.

2. Being competitive: More often we tend to get competitive in the conversation. As a good listener, you should avoid focusing on listening just to give a critical response. Your job as a good listener is to make the person feel heard and not go for identifying logical errors and start arguments over the reasoning of the speaker. Surely, you can state your opinions and disagreements but in a way that the speaker thinks that you are trying to show a different perspective and not win a debate competition. Furthermore, we frequently incline to contend over ‘who has got the bigger problems?’ We might feel that sharing our own problems gives relief and support to the speaker but this is not the case. Remember it is not about us. As a good listener we should not divert the focus of conversation on our issues but remain centered on the speaker’s.

3. Being judgmental: In conversations, we listen to others and constantly scan their thoughts and emotions through our own frame of reference. We are very quick to evaluate either what they thought, felt or did was right or wrong. Really! Just put down your magnifying glass and simply acknowledge their reality. Do not try to judge their perspective as correct or incorrect. There is every possibility that whatever is right to you is wrong to them and vice versa. So, while listening to others we should try to understand their perspective and not to impose ours on them. A good listener is someone who validates the speakers’ concern. This is not to say that you are to believe or accept their concerns as true for yourself. Even if they are at odds with your convictions, you can accept them as true for your speaker. This is the fundamental rule of being empathetic and a key for being a good listener. Because all we want is for someone to simply listen to us and not criticize or give advice or suggest their tested formulas to solve our problems and so on.

4. Getting distracted: Distraction is a big No when it comes to being a good listener, the obvious reason being the fact that you cannot remember what the other person is saying. You might think you are a good multitasker and can listen and do other stuff at the same time, where is the harm in that? But think, what do you do when someone you are talking to is looking down at their phone or looking at their computer or just looking around? Most probably you slow down, do not elaborate on what you are saying or just stop talking. It is very important for the listener in conversations to SHOW that they are paying full attention to what is being said. We convey our sincerity to the speaker through our body language. Maintaining eye contact, leaning forward to the speaker, occasional nodding are some of the things we can do to convince the speaker that we are really willing to listen to them. Only if we are able to gain the trust, the speaker will confide in us.

Namita Subedi LACM Faculty