THE PREMIER PARENTING MAGAZINE FOR CENTRAL ALABAMA
FREE
NOVEMBER 2015
PRACTICING
GRATITUDE OUR
ANNUAL PRIVATE SCHOOL DIRECTORY PAGE 11
CHOOSING A PRIVATE SCHOOL FOR YOUR CHILD HOW TO SPEAK ADOPTION HELPING A SHY CHILD BUILD SOCIAL CONFIDENCE
table of contents THE PREMIER PARENTING MAGAZINE FOR CENTRAL ALABAMA
FREE
NOVEMBER 2015
PRIVATE SCHOOL GUIDE BIRMINGHAM PARENT’S 2015 PRIVATE SCHOOL DIRECTORY
11 16 18
PRACTICING
GRATITUDE
11
WHAT DO ALL THOSE ACCREDITATIONS MEAN?
CHOOSING A PRIVATE SCHOOL FOR YOUR CHILD
OUR
ANNUAL PRIVATE SCHOOL
HOW TO SPEAK ADOPTION
DIRECTORY
HELPING A SHY CHILD BUILD SOCIAL CONFIDENCE
PAGE 11
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departments
EDUCATION: A CHOICE DECISION
Note 04 Editor’s Happy Thanksgiving
07
Parenting with Dr. Friedman
8 Short Stuff 0 10 School News the Specialist: 30 Ask Which Conditions Require an ER Visit?
Page in a Book: 36 AGetting a Read on Personal Style
39
November 2015 Calendar Highlights
2015 40 November Calendar of Events Party: 46 Poetry Winter Poems
features
NOVEMBER IS NATIONAL ADOPTION MONTH
22 22 25
24
How to Speak Adoption
Helping Shy Children Build Social Confidence
Special Kids: 5 Things to Know About Parents of Children with Special Needs
TRAVEL: 32 FAMILY The Lodge and Spa at Calloway Gardens
34 PRACTICING GRATITUDE ON THE COVER: “The Thanksgiving Picnic,” illustration by Melissa Schultz-Jones of Birmingham, http://melissashultz-jones.com.
6 | birminghamparent | november 2015
It’s More Than Good Manners
parenting
Parenting with Dr. Friedman
Q:
My daughter and her friend got the idea of going around the neighborhood, collecting “donations” for her school. Unfortunately, they were really collecting donations for themselves. Most of our neighbors don’t speak English, so I doubt they had any idea of what they were giving money for but they gave nonetheless. The girls collected about $20. When caught, my daughter’s friend’s parents made her go back to each house she collected the money from and return it with an explanation and an apology. I made my daughter give the money to her school. Which parent’s actions were more appropriate and why? Both sets of parents showed responsible parenting. Behavior that is reinforced is repeated. Neither child was reinforced for taking the money as neither was allowed to profit from the deception. Each child was made to “do the right thing,” although the reparations took different forms. The former punishment may offer the more powerful and memorable lesson. Returning the money, face to face with each neighbor caused the child considerable embarrassment. Her punishments were multiple as she had to face her shame with each neighbor. She is likely to remember this episode, unless she has no conscience at all, as deeply humiliating. The shame is likely to encode in her long-term memory. By contrast, unless she was forced to tell her school how she got the money, a child who donates money to the school can easily be seen as a hero. In giving money she is seen as a generous and altruistic person, which was not true in this case. However, this moment in the limelight might not be all bad, for we can become what
others say we are. You can turn behavior around by catching a child at a well-behaved moment and noticing it with applause. Rewarding her for doing good might make her want to be good. On the other hand, she might see the positive strokes for her donation as reinforcement of her behavior. She took money by deception and then became a hero when she
a school principal or the leader of a charitable project, I would not accept money gained by deception, and I would encourage her to return the money as the other parent did. What clearly does not work to stop deceptive behavior is a parent who blandly says to his or her child, “Darling, that was wrong. Don’t do it next time.” This allows the child to profit from doing wrong. The words
These children are fortunate because parents who correct and shape desirable behavior create children who are liked by others. donated the money to a worthy project at her school. She is reinforced with praise for the donation and therefore, for taking the money. For making her donate her ill-gotten money to the school to work as a punishment, you would have to tell the school how she got the money. The shame of it is what will make her think twice the next time. I doubt that the school would accept the money. If I were
are not a powerful negative consequence and the child is likely to read the bland reprimand as approval for the deed. These children are fortunate because parents who correct and shape desirable behavior create children who are liked by others. These children have an easier time in life than those children whose parents don’t care enough to discipline.
Vivian K. Friedman Ph. D. is a child and family psychologist at UAB, Department of Psychiatry. Send questions for response in this column to Viviankf@gmail.com. No personal replies are sent.
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