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The HAPPY HEALTHY KIDS Directory 2014
SEPTEMBER2014 THE PREMIER PARENTING MAGAZINE FOR CENTRAL ALABAMA
FREE
SEPTEMBER 2014
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8 TIPS
for a Safe & Stress-Free SCHOOL BUS RIDE
Does YOUR CHILD Need An IEP?
14
SPIRITHORSE THERAPEUTIC RIDING CENTER Helps Kids with Special Needs
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The HAPPY HEALTHY KIDS Directory 2014
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SAVE THE DATE
09.27.14
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10 SpiritHorse Therapeutic Riding Center in Prattville Helps Kids with Special Needs
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HIGH SCHOOL FOOTBALL SEASON IN CENTRAL ALABAMA: Who are the Rivals? 8 TIPS FOR A SAFE & STRESS-FREE RIDE TO SCHOOL COLLEGE KNOWLEDGE College Admissions Then and Now
Does Your Child Need an IEP?
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18 THE HAPPY HEALTHY KIDS DIRECTORY 2014
WHEN YOUR CHILDREN HAVE NO GRANDPARENTS
ON THE COVER: Walker, age 2, of Birmingham, our 2013 Cover Search Winner in the Special Needs category, is having fun in the outdoors in Hoover around Howard Lake . Photo by Meredith Bridgewater.
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Editor’s Note Teaching Acceptance Starts at Home Parenting with Dr. Friedman Short Stuff School News September Pull Out Calendar September Expanded Calendar of Events Death by Children
parenting
Parenting with Dr. Friedman My son is a 17-year-old high school senior. He has a friend in his class whose parents are, in my opinion, overly involved in getting him into college. They have selected his applications, written his essays and each of his divorced parents has taken him on a college tour. Between the trips with each of his parents, he has visited nearly 20 colleges. I, on the other hand, have allowed my son to select his own schools. He made good choices. We have visited two of the three colleges he has applied to. We will visit the third if and when he is accepted there. Am I too laid back?
Q:
ANSWER: There is a middle ground to most pursuits. Too much or too little parental involvement can be a problem. If your child knows where he wants to go to college, and makes good choices, as yours has, there may be no harm in respecting his plans. If a child is floundering, he may need your guidance. Widespread excessive parental involvement is new to this generation. It comes about in part due to the increase in divorce. Parents who used to put their marriage fi rst now derive their family closeness through attachment to their children. The problem with using this as a longterm solution to loneliness is that children grow up and need parents less and in a different way once they are grown. When parents continue to parent as if the child were four years old, it becomes an infantilizing experience for the child. It holds him
back in developing into an autonomous and competent adult. The burden of being responsible for the single parent’s happiness induces guilt when he moves on to developmentally appropriate autonomy. Yet, parents often do have experience that can help a child to choose a college. A parent might be able to guide a passive, shy child away from being lost at a very large school, or might keep a very bright child from applying to a college that will not challenge him. The problem comes only when the parent’s choice is not based on what the child needs, but instead is based on the parent’s own needs. Visiting 20 schools is excessive and can be overwhelming to the student. It sounds like each parent here is competing with the other to do the larger tour. If each parent latches on to the schools he visited as “his
schools” then the child is left in the position of choosing one that mom wants verses one that dad wants. No child should be forced to select a college this way. Materialism also drives parental over-involvement. As parents become anxious about their own fi nancial status, they can pass this anxiety along to their children in the form of panic about the child’s education. They begin to write the child’s essays for him because getting into the right college is perceived as a ticket to social status and fi nancial success. The danger of writing college essays for a child is that it can both promote a child into a school he is ill prepared for and it can undermine his confidence to do his own work. You can modify requirements and assist a child only so far. Eventually he will have to swim on his own. He will be more confident if he got there via his own effort and achievement.
Vivian K. Friedman Ph. D. is a child and family psychologist at UAB, Department of Psychiatry. Send questions for response in this column to Viviankf@gmail.com. No personal replies are sent.
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