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DECEMBER2014 . JANUARY2015 THE PREMIER PARENTING MAGAZINE FOR CENTRAL ALABAMA
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ON THE COVER: Final Cover Kids Winner 2014 Cambree, age 5, of Clanton, is gathering Christmas decorations at Old Baker Farm/Christmas Tree Farm in Harpersville. Photo by Kim Brantley Photography, www.kimbrantleyphotography.com, 615-812-6427.
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Parenting with Dr. Friedman
Q:
I am a mother of 4-year-old boy/girl twins. I have been debating with other mothers of twins whether it is better for multiples to be in the same class or a different class. I know some moms that have same-sex multiples separated so the children will become individuals, but I personally do not feel that mine have this problem. They have been in preschool together for two years and will be enrolled together in 4-year-old preschool. Their teachers say they are independent and play together occasionally, but play with other kids as well. I would like your opinion on the placement of multiples in the same class.
A:
While there certainly are some commonalties among human beings, every child and every sibling relationship is slightly different. There are no rules about raising twins that apply to every situation. What works for one family might not work for another. Your children don’t seem to be competitive or demeaning of each other. They have been together in school before and have done well being in the same class. They each make their own friends but also do not avoid each other’s company. It is probably comforting to each of them to have a twin around even when they are not playing together, much as a child feels safe when a parent is in the house, even if the parent is not interacting directly with the child. You are wise to be sensitive to the issue of individuality in twins. It can be an issue for some. However, your twins are not identical twins and are not of the same sex. No one is likely to call one twin by the other’s name. Few will have trouble telling them apart. Except for being the same age and in the same grade in school, they are not that
much more alike than other siblings. Non-identical twins generally only stifle expression of personality if there is a large and consistent difference in ability or dominance between them. If one twin nearly always sets the rules and the other twin follows most of the time, the more
feelings of their classmates as they make themselves feel good by putting others down. Encouraging and nurturing parents often fi nd that their children get along quite well and fi nd tremendous security from the family. These children will not be harmed by being in school together.
There are no rules about raising twins that apply to every situation. What works for one family might not work for another. timid twin might not learn to express his needs and wishes. If the two children take turns in leadership, they can both develop quite nicely being in class together, with the added benefit of the security that comes from having a sibling present. Some children are either innately competitive or are raised to be so. Most often these are children of aggressive and socially climbing parents. These twins may harm each other’s self-esteem if they are in the same class competing for grades and friends. These are the same children that hurt the
Parents generally know their children best. Following maternal intuition can often lead you to the right decision. What is right for another family is not always the best choice for your children. Go with your gut feeling.
Vivian K. Friedman Ph. D. is a child and family psychologist at UAB, Department of Psychiatry. Send questions for response in this column to Viviankf@gmail.com. No personal replies are sent.
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