Well On Being Well Well

by David Carr

‘Bipolar Affective Disorder (in remission)’ read the clinical letter from my psychiatrist which I had obtained in order to get some private healthcare. I have always baulked at the idea of reading my psychiatric notes. I dread the horrors within. But there it was in black and white. I am officially well.

Which I pretty much knew. I have had a lifetime of crippling and near fatal depressions and of energising but destructive highs, only marginally controlled by lithium. But, three years ago, my psychiatrist and I stumbled on a medication that works for me. I now date my life as before lamotrigine and after lamotrigine.

It was a long time coming. Lamotrigine had been on my radar for around fifteen years, as a prophylactic against the depressions that inevitably followed my highs. I don’t know why we delayed. But here we are. I find myself suddenly and unexpectedly in another life.

While I might rail against wasted years, the significant new departure to get my head around is that I am now able to glimpse normality. I am only slowly processing this.

Wellness gives me opportunities. Except it doesn’t. Although the tide has ebbed on my illness, the flotsam from my episodes lingers. My illness caused damage – to my relationships, to my finances, to my career. I have begun to get perspective on my pain.

The well me is beginning to understand that I was ill. This should have been obvious. But I often blamed myself instead of my illness, full of self-recrimination and unable to forgive myself. Where once I would beat myself up for past behaviours, now that I have distance, I can start the process of healing.

It’s been damned hard living with bipolar disorder. Acknowledging this has allowed me to re-evaluate memories – which have often made me cringe – and reframe them as episodes of great pain for which I deserve some self-compassion.

My wellness has begun to shine in some tangible ways. I have taken up a hugely fulfilling role as a volunteer teacher of English as a second or other language –something I would have struggled with, just as I struggled with paid work. I have planned an adventurous solo trip around Morocco.

Best of all – I have exorcised a ghoul by reconnecting with a good, good friend who I lost contact with, out of embarrassment, after I had behaved inappropriately towards her during one of my wilder episodes. I had developed the misguided belief that she must be mad at me. This has turned out to be very wide of the mark. I had somehow erased from my mind how kind she had been to me.

And then there’s my teeth. Teeth have loomed large in my psyche. For years my poor mental health caused me to neglect my dental health. Only now do I have the strength to look after them.

Where do I go from here? I am working on adjusting some of my thought patterns. Dealing with negative thoughts – or over-positive thoughts – is never easy. I am slowly beginning to understand those patterns and feel that I now have the presence of mind to be able to challenge them. I am no longer quite so at their mercy. Over the years, I have learned to be careful of my moods and behaviours, and this has spilled over into a mentally exhausting hypervigilance. I haven’t yet learned to relax. Is it OK to be OK?

I still live with bipolar disorder. Lamotrigine has been good – but we shouldn’t expect miracles. And note that illnesses and medications are highly individualised. Lamotrigine works for me but might or might not work for you. I still sometimes feel down – but suicidal ideation happens far less frequently and less intensely now. I still experience what I call mini-highs. They are less destructive – but I can get a bit more full-on than I would like.

The spectre of illness still haunts me. A bipolar lifetime has left its scars. But at least I’m in a good place from which to start to heal them. My bipolar life still takes a lot of mental energy. But it’s a more positive energy now.

If you are reading this, chances are that you are ill. You may be cursing my good fortune. Bipolar disorder is a painful illness to live with and is difficult to put into remission. But there is hope.

I may be jinxing my wellness. Over my adult life I have lived with bipolar disorder and don’t know another way to live. I am having to remake myself anew.

Is this what wellness is like? It feels good.