Apr 1 2020 (Vol. XXXII, Is. IX) - Binghamton Review

BINGHAMTON REVIEW Editor-in-Chief Contents

P.O. BOX 6000 BINGHAMTON, NY 13902-6000 EDITOR@BINGHAMTONREVIEW.COM

Founded 1987 • Volume XXXII, Issue IX Tommy Gagliano

Managing Editor Brian Murray Copy Desk Chief Matt Gagliano

Business Manager Joe Badalamenti

Social Media Shitposters Lacey Kestecher, Sebastian Roman

Editor Emeritus

Patrick McAuliffe Jr.

Staff Writers

Bryn Lauer, Harold Rook, Joe Dorn, Kevin Vorrath, Madeline Perez, Jon Lizak, Dillon O’Toole

Contributors

Pyotr Kropotkin, Mirder O. Crows, Comrade Kevin, Jonah Alexander, Alleged Pipe Dream Editor

Special Thanks To:

Intercollegiate Studies Institute Collegiate Network Binghamton Review was printed by Gary Marsden We Provide the Truth.

He Provides the Staples

NEW CLAUSE FOUND IN CONSTITUTION

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by Tommy Gagliano

Editorial

by Tommy Gagliano Press Watch

by Our Staff The Myth of Economics by Pyotr Kropotkin The Nature Preserve Stands in the Way of...

by Matt Gagliano 8 Free of Charge: Apply for a VictimCard™ Today!

by Mirder O. Crows 10 100 Things to Do While in Self-Quarantine

by Our Staff 11 STOP BEING SO MEAN TO US!

by Alleged Pipe Dream Editor 12 COVID-19: Why We Need More Authoritarianism

by Comrade Kevin 13 The Lizard People of Binghamton

by Jonah Alexander 14 Losing Your Headphones by Harold Rook

by Comrade Kevin 15 Right Wing Bad 3 4 5 7

TELL US WHAT YOU THINK! Direct feedback to editor@binghamtonreview.com 2

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Vol. XXXII, Issue IX

EDITORIAL Dear Readers,

From the Editor

Greetings comrades! I hope you’ve noticed our modified name. We are no longer the bastion of hate, bigotry, and intolerance that Binghamton Review was. We’ve come to realize that personal liberty is bad and economic freedom is racist, and that the only way to achieve true prosperity and equality is by giving the federal government complete, unchecked power. Welcome, to the true Last Refuge of Scholars. Welcome, to Binghamton REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE. In addition to our name change, you may notice a few other differences as a result of our transformation. Firstly, I am using Comic Sans—the font of the people—for this editorial. It is obviously a very serious font, to reflect the seriousness of the communist goals we now fight for to achieve. There may also be some new author names that jump out at you. Unfortunately, some of our staff writers refused to comply with our new ideology (*cough* Musclini), so we had to send them to the Gulag and replace them with more enlightened individuals, such as Pyotr Kropotkin and Mirder O. Crows. The most important adjustment, however, is the content of the articles. While Binghamton Review often featured takes that were racist, sexist, classist, homophobic, transphobic, xenophobic, and all the other ists and phobics, Binghamton REEEEEEEEEEEEE contains only thoughts that I deem to be acceptable, as we don’t believe in the antiquated concept of freedom of speech.

We hope that, after reading our informed and morally correct opinions, you too will take up the cause and join is in our quest for the communist revolution. Current tasks involve yelling slogans at people as they walk by, saying mean things to Donald Drumpf on Twitter (#NotMyPresident #ImpeachedForever), and harassing or assaulting conservatives.

Oh, and one more thing: April Fools! Everything in this issue is issue is satire; it is not meant to be taken seriously. I know that should be obvious, but as I’m sure you already know, people are dumb. Unfortunately I have to ruin the joke by explaining the joke, to protect ourselves from the people that inevitably won’t get it. Oh well.

I hope everyone is staying healthy and safe (and employed) during the COVID-19 pandemic.

This issue should be able to occupy you for a bit while you’re stuck at home. As well all know, the virus is obviously Trump’s fault, so hopefully he can fix it soon. ;)

Not-so-sincerely,

Tommy Gagliano Binghamton Review is a non-partisan, student-run news magazine of conservative thought founded in 1987 at Binghamton University. A true liberal arts education expands a student’s horizons and opens one’s mind to a vast array of divergent perspectives. The mark of true maturity is being able to engage with these perspectives rationally while maintaining one’s own convictions. In that spirit, we seek to promote the free and open exchange of ideas and offer alternative viewpoints not normally found or accepted on our predominately liberal campus.

We stand against tyranny in all of its forms, both on campus and beyond. We believe in the principles set forth in this country’s Declaration of Independence and seek to preserve the fundamental tenets of Western civilization. It is our duty to expose the warped ideology of political correctness and cultural authoritarianism that dominates this university. Finally, we understand that a moral order is a necessary component of any civilized society. We strive to inform, engage with, and perhaps even amuse our readers in carrying out this mission.

Views expressed by writers do not necessarily represent the views of the publication as a whole. editor@binghamtonreview.com

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CPampus resswatch “Democracy is more than just the preisdential election” Seth Gully, Pipe Dream, 3/12/20 “Trump is a symptom of true anger, fueled by distrust in our political institutions, rising health care, college costs and stagnant wages, among other things... We need to recognize there are concrete and major problems with American democracy that require systemic change rather than a mere change in administration.”

You are spot on, comrade! Democracy is flawed, because sometimes people that we don’t like will win. We need to change the system so it represents us, the proletariat! It is time for us to line the street and bring revolution to Amerikkka! COMMUNISM WILL PREVAIL! “...if the system doesn’t enact policy that the American people want, how can we call it democratic? An overwhelming majority of the country supports raising the minimum wage, single-payer health care, tuition-free college, legalizing marijuana and increased gun control. If the constituents want these policies, but the system consolidates power into an oligarchy that enacts none of these policies, and often the direct opposite, how can one call this a democracy?”

Great use of statistics without sources, comrade! (Everyone knows sources are racist.) It doesn’t matter that Amerikkka consists of a complex series of checks and balances, nothing bad has ever happened if the majority of people want something! It’s the bourgeoisie’s fault!

“DIVEST BING should refocus their protest methodology” Spencer Haynes, Pipe Dream, 3/2/20 “Although BAE Systems and Lockheed Martin do profit from weapons production, it is the government’s demand for and use of these weapons that actually kills people.”

The government has never done any-

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Written by our Staff

We know you don’t read the other campus publications, so we did it for you. Original pieces are in quotes, our responses are in bold.

thing wrong, you fool. They should have complete control. Now shut up and protest the Drumpf Administration!

“This brings me to my second concern: intimidating protests staged at Lockheed Martin info sessions. These protests are again misguided, as they blame Lockheed Martin for hiring students.

In reality, Binghamton University engineering students are the ones seeking these jobs by going to the info session.”

And why do think these students are going to these info sessions? No, it’s not because they want a job that will allow them to use the knowledge that they gained from four stressful years at this evil university, it’s because they’re racist.

“Unfortunately, DIVEST BING’s campaign has been riddled with misinformation, which has harmed the credibility of its message. For example, one of their banners asks, ‘Where is Our Money?’ despite the fact that none of their student tuition goes into the BU Foundation.”

What we, I mean, DIVEST BING means when they say “our money” is that all money actually belongs to the community of leftist praxis, we just haven’t gotten around to seizing it yet. It’s not just the money in the BU Foundation that’s ours, it’s all of the money periodt.

“The lack of diversity in faculty and staff on campus leaves many vulnerable” Kaitlyn Liu, Pipe Dream, 3/9/20

“Following these protests, the protesters, largely racial minorities, faced intense discrimination. On social media, comments in support of TPUSA repeatedly called these protesters animals, aggressive and described them as racist toward white people. All of these labels are historically racist...”

How dare people call protesters aggressive just because they were displaying aggressive behavior? Despicable and racist!

“Outside of the counseling center, BU also offers very few professors of color for minority students to look up to and learn from. Only 16 percent of BU’s faculty is nonwhite, and in a 2014-15 year report, Harpur College outlined some of the main issues it faces in maintaining an inclusive work environment.”

This is horrible. It would be much better for everyone in the school if the University hired people specifically based on race, regardless of their ability to actually perform the job they are hired for. That way everyone has the privilege to learn from someone who looks like them, which everyone can agree is more important than learning from someone who has extensive knowledge on the subject they are teaching.

Vol. XXXII, Issue IX

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The Myth of Economics

THE MYTH OF ECONOMICS

By Pyotr Kropotkin

I

am the best person I know. I vote Democrat. I make anti-capitalist memes and post them to my private Blogspot account. I upvote socialist posts on Reddit dot com. I’ve even donated some of my dad’s money to the Chapo Trap House podcast. Therefore, I have earned every minute of self-indulgent moral superiority that I have felt. But alas, despite the constant reminders I’ve graciously given to all of my fellow students and faculty about how they need to check their privilege, there are still fascist chuds who think that it’s okay to own property. (Don’t they realize how racist that is!?!?) So, because I’m so vastly morally superior to you, the responsibility falls on me to explain to you bigots that owning things is theft (except for when the government takes things because that’s socialism, except when it’s state-capitalism, which is capitalism because state-capitalism allows for profit, which is theft, unless the government or my dad is taking the profit which would be socialism, except it isn’t real socialism because real socialism hasn’t been tried yet because if anything goes wrong in any way then it was actually capitalism the whole time… obviously).

“How are we leftists supposed to rage against the machine when some people believe the lies they hear in their Economics classes?”

Now, I know what you’re thinking (because I’m incredibly smart in addition to being so humble.) You’re thinking “B-b-but Pyotr Kropotkin, how did you become so sympathetic to the plight of the working class when you’ve never had a job?” This is a very fair question to have, except I have had a job! My dad said I had to work at his law firm for a month before he’d buy me

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a second Jeep Wrangler. That month I spent pouring coffee for my dad made me realize just how exploitative paid labor is. From that moment on, I began using all of my allowance money to support communist Youtubers and podcasters. I only simp for Bernie Sanders supporting Twitch girls, and the only news I read is Pipe Dream.

On the rare occasion that I leave my bedroom I only wear my “Workers of the World Unite!” t-shirt, but somehow this has not started the proletariat revolution that I thought it would. As it turns out the biggest hindrance to the Marxist revolution that humanity needs is actually the academic curriculum of college campuses. The problem is the evils of taking an Economics class. For those of you who don’t know, an Economics class is a histrionic relic of the Cold War era United States that tries to indoctrinate innocent college students into the evil religion of non-Marxist economic theory. While I’ve never taken an Economics course myself, I’ve heard that many of them try to brainwash students into believing that there’s such a thing as scarcity.

For those of you whose brains have yet to be tainted by the knowledge of such an evil idea, “scarcity” is the imperialist idea that there are limited quantities of things. This is deeply problematic because if there is a limited amount of

things, then that means that there isn’t an unlimited amount of money that the government can use to implement socialism, and not implementing socialism is racist.

The college Economics class is the biggest hindrance to our Marxist/ Leninist/Maoist/Anarchist utopia!

Every other social science got the memo that they need to push a Marxist agenda at every opportunity they get, except Economics. How are we leftists supposed to rage against the machine when some people believe the lies they hear in their Economics classes? It can’t be done! A revolution won’t work unless every single person gets on board with our insular political ideas. The only way to fix this great injustice is to ban the teaching of Economics from all public and private schools and to burn every Economics textbook. Now I know what you’re thinking (because I am a Socialist and therefore I have an IQ of 180). You’re thinking “B-b-but Pyotr Kropotkin!

Even if we burn all of the Economics textbooks in every public and private school, there’s nothing stopping the evil capitalist book publishers from printing more textbooks.” And yes, this is a completely valid concern.

There is, in fact, an infinite amount of printing materials and labor at the disposal of the capitalists, so the only way we can combat their evil ideas is by purchasing every copy of each yearly edition that they print and burn them.

This will be costly, but my dad’s credit card doesn’t have a spending limit, so I should be able to cover the costs for the first few years.

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NEW CLAUSE FOUND IN CONSTIUTION

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New Clause Found in Constitution

By Tommy Gagliano

O

n March 15th, 2020, historian Richard Head made a shocking discovery that will change the course of American politics forever. While analyzing the original draft of the Constitution to find evidence to support his position that government-mandated gamer girl GFs are constitutional, Mr. Head instead found a hidden clause, never before seen by anyone but the Framers themselves. The secret clause is located at the end of the document, after Article VI, but before the ratification requirements are explained in Article VII. Despite being only one sentence long, the clause is, in fact, it’s own article (Article VI.V). It states “In the event that some people get sick and it causes a bit of panic, this document and all of its amendments can simply be ignored altogether, and the state and federal governments can do whatever the hell they want.”

Government officials across the country rejoiced at this new discovery.

“Hell yeah!” exclaimed New York Governor Andrew Cuomo. “I mean I was going to do whatever I want anyway, but now my tyranny has constitutional support!” “What a big discovery,” said President Trump. “Yuge. With the Chinese virus infecting our people, this revelation could not have come at a better time.”

Following the uncovering of the “Fuck Your Freedom Clause,” as it’s been labelled on social media, a plethora of new restrictions have been enacted. On March 16th, gatherings of 50 or more people were banned in New York, New Jersey, and Connecticut, and all bars and restaurants in the three states were limited to take-out and delivery services only. New Jersey Governor Phil Murphy instituted a curfew in his state, banning travel between 8 PM and 5 AM. When asked why he put the curfew in place, Governor Murphy responded “Because I can. Also, everyone knows viruses can only spread after 8 PM. Duh.” On the other side of the country, residents of multiple counties in

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Northern California are being ordered to “shelter in place.” This order permits people in the affected counties to leave their homes only for absolutely essential purposes. In an exclusive interview with Binghamton Review, San Jose Mayor Sam Liccardo discussed the order. “It’s amazing,” Liccardo said. “I’ve never trusted the people of San Jose.

The thought of allowing them to make decisions and exercise basic freedoms terrifies me. What’s the point of being Mayor if I can’t tell people what to do?

So obviously, I’m very thankful for the ‘Fuck Your Freedom Clause,’ and for COVID-19 for providing the perfect excuse.” Upon hearing about Northern California’s “shelter in place” order, New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio “creamed his pants,” according to an anonymous source close to the mayor.

The anonymous source confirmed that de Blasio hopes for a similar situation in his city soon.

Unfortunately for Mayor de Blasio, Andrew Cuomo beat him to the punch. The governor, who recently stated he prefers the title “Emperor” or “Supreme Leader,” signed an executive order on March 20th that requires all New Yorkers to stay home from work, with the exception of those that work “essential” jobs. What qualifies as “essential” is, of course, up to the discretion of Emperor Cuomo. One may

argue that all jobs are essential to keep the economy functioning and to allow families to generate income, but it is unlikely that Andrew Cuomo, the son of former New York Governor Mario Cuomo, will see it that way. “What do you mean people have to work to afford food?” Cuomo asked incredulously, in response to a question from a concerned citizen. “Why don’t they just ask their parents for more money when they need it?”

Supreme Leader Cuomo also announced that all gatherings of any size are banned unless they are “essential”—making use of his favorite subjective word again, in order to give himself complete control. When asked whether or not he felt it might be dangerous to violate the basic founding principles of the United States, Cuomo simply responded “fuck your freedom.”

While government officials continue their power trip, skeptics have questioned the origin of the secret clause, as well as its authenticity. “It’s the virus that did it!” Alex Jones boldly claimed on his radio show. “The Chinese virus wrote in this new clause itself! It’s so small that no one saw it happen!” Another popular theory suggests that perhaps the whole thing is a lie. “You’re telling me this clause was written there all this time, and everyone’s eyes just jumped over it for over 230 years?” asked racist, homophobic, transphobic, sexist, ablesit bigot Ben Shapiro on Twitter. “I’m not buying it.

Sorry folks. Also, my wife is a doctor.”

Regardless of where the “Fuck Your Freedom Clause” came from, or why it was just now discovered, it has already had a tremendous impact on the country. The consequences have been more devastating on some states than others, but all fifty are feeling the effects of authoritarianism in one way or another. It remains to be seen whether or not the increased control of the federal and state governments will continue after the coronavirus has faded away.

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THE NATURE PRESERVE STANDS IN THE WAY OF...

The Nature Preserve Stands in the Way of...

By Matt Gagliano

B

inghamton University has had a crazy year. With everything that has happened during these last two semesters, things on campus just seem to be getting worse and worse. Lucky for you, I’m here to discuss a surefire way to solve the biggest problem facing Binghamton University today. What is that problem you ask? No, it’s not the rising tensions between political organizations on campus. No, it’s not the recent closing of the entire school due to the coronavirus. It’s something worse than both of those things combined: the frequent smoking of marijuana on campus. By far the worst thing I have experienced in all my time as a Binghamton student is the constant horrible odor emitted by the degenerates on campus who only care about getting high, oblivious of how their horrible lifestyle affects those around them. Rules are rules for a reason people. Seriously, have you walked anywhere near CIW recently? I have and God damn does it reek! It smells worse than the sweaty gym clothes in my roommates laundry bag. It smells worse than a Taco Bell restroom on Cinco de Mayo. Dare I say it, it even smells worse than a VGA meeting!

I’ve had enough of these senseless potheads stinking up my campus, as I’m sure many of you have as well, so I think it’s about time someone put a stop to it! How would we even go about that? Well, I’m glad you asked.

If we want to stop people from doing the weed on campus, we have

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to eliminate the problem at the source.

Track down the people selling it to students? Are you high?! That’s a horrible idea! No, we need to target the places people go to consume cannabis so that these gateway drug lovers have no safe place to get high. As anyone with a nose could tell (sorry Voldemort) CIW is a very common place for inhaling a blunt, so that’s where we should start. Now, what do I think we should do about CIW? Get rid of it. Close down the whole community.

I’m sure there are a few decent nonweed smoking people living in CIW, but unfortunately due to the actions of the stoners who will most likely never be loved, we have to throw the whole community away. Goodbye CIW, you won’t be missed.

So, is that it? Did we solve the problem? I wish. Unfortunately, potheads spread faster than… uh… some kind of virus, I guess. Damn, if only there were some sort of topical virus-like thing spreading around that I could use for my analogy. Oh well.

Anyway, there is unfortunately another haven for pot-lovers on campus that might actually be a worse problem than CIW: the Nature Preserve. It makes perfect sense when you think about it. Both CIW and the Nature Preserve are located in the woods, and what word shares two common letters with woods? That’s right, WEED! It was staring us in the face all along!

We already knew that the Nature Preserve was bad news when it was discovered to be the home of the Binghamton Mothman back in October.

(If you don’t already know about the monstrosity that is the Binghamton Mothaman, I recommend reading The Mothman Menace from the 2019 Halloween issue of Binghamton Review. You know that it’s a quality article because it was written by Matt Gagliano, who is undoubtedly one of the Review’s best writers.) Adding the frequent marijuana consumption to

the mix makes the Nature Preserve a total disaster.

Extremely smooth and subtle references to former Binghamton Review articles aside, what do we do with the Nature Preserve? Well, obviously it must be destroyed, there’s no doubt about that, but I propose we use this as an opportunity to build something new. Something that campus is currently lacking. I propose that we get rid of the Nature Preserve and replace it with a new parking lot! This is a completely original idea that I absolutely came up with myself. It is in no way a reference to, or parody of, a previously written opinion piece featured in a subpar campus publication. I wholeheartedly believe that we must tear down the Nature Preserve for the good of the campus, and all of the students who inhabit it. Weed smokers are like a plague, and getting rid of the Nature Preserve will make us like Greenland!

We will watch from our marijuana-free campus, as those in the outside world choke and gag on the disgusting pot fumes! Consider this my official declaration of war on weed smokers! I will not stop until this campus is one hundred percent cannabis free, even if it means single handedly killing each and every disgusting, degenerate, sorry excuse for a human that dares even think about putting a joint in their mouth! Ok… ok… deep breaths. Writing this article is getting me all worked up. I hope all of you found this article informative, now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go inject heroin to calm myself down.

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FREE OF CHARGE: APPLY FOR A VICTIMCARD™ TODAY!

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Free of Charge: Apply for a VictimCard™ Today!

By Mirder O. Crows

W

hy hello there! Tell me: are you sick of the typical uninspired brick-for-brack quote pertaining to the value of individualism? Do you feel victimized on a daily basis based on what you perceive as “microaggressions”? Do you need to subvert logical arguments and criticism from opponents in order to emphasize your subjective experience, shutting down any form of debate? Well look no further! I, Mirder O. Crows, come here to tell you about my company’s latest product! Without further ado, I give you the state of the art commodity that will bring social justice to wherever you may be. My magnum opus: the VictimCard™! Our advanced technology allows you to use the VictimCard™ in any situation you choose, even when others may say it isn’t valid to the conversation; politics, economics, culture, education, and even interpersonal relationships are all subjects that are applicable for this very special card. However, there is one specific feature that this card has that I personally cannot emphasize enough: IT DOES NOT REQUIRE ANY FORM OF SOCIAL CURRENCY! In other words, are you worried that you may dilute the value of accusations of racism, sexism, homophobia, and more through overuse in places where it may not exist? No worries, just put it on the card! And it’s yours! All that you need to do is subscribe to the philosophy of Intersectionality Incorporated, and we’ll ship a VictimCard™ to you absolutely free! Get them while they last!

Want to learn more about Intersectionality Inc.? Our company has humble origins; following the passage of the Civil Rights Act of 1964, an act that outlawed discrimination based on race, religion, and sex in public institutions and in the workforce, many celebrated the idea that America was living up to its core values of enshrining rights to all. Nonetheless, as many

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correctly pointed out, racism in society persisted even after its passage. In addition, by the 1980s, Second-Wave feminism, a feminist movement dedicated to ending workplace sexism, legal obstacles for women, and reproductive rights, had begun to wane in popularity. This is due to its perceived view of addressing issues related to white women, while ignoring women in minority communities.

This can be illustrated in the famous DeGraffenreid v. General Motors court case, in which five black women sued General Motors for not receiving the same employment opportunities as others. They argued that, as being both black and women, they were facing a unique discrimination that white women and black men hired

by General Motors were not subject to. Ultimately, however, the court ruled that they were not subject to a unique discrimination, owing to the fact that General Motors hired black men and white women as workers. A miscarriage of justice? Many people, even evil conservatives and libertarians, would certainly say so. Kimberlé Williams Crenshaw, a law professor observing the case, cited this as a specific instance of discrimination based on two identities, culminating in her feminist theory of intersectionality.

According to Crenshaw, intersectionality is the idea that specific group identities, such as being black and a woman, creates a unique experience where one faces oppression based on said intersecting group identity. What Crenshaw ultimately argued was that these various intersecting identities

“Don’t like how someone with a different viewpoint is allowed on campus?

Use the card to argue that they are complicit in your oppression!”

were neglected during Second Wave feminism, spawning the intersectional theory that served as a bulwark for the Third Wave feminist movement and, more prominently, the Fourth Wave feminist movement today.

All this sounds great, but where does Intersectionality Inc. come in? After all, much of what is being said does not allow us to create the incredible card that I advertise before you. This was accomplished by intersectionality operating in a specific framework; harkening back to the idea of Hegelian Dialectics (the idea that history is a series of conflicts between two opposing sides), Crenshaw, along with other intersectionalist philosophers, stated that these various intersections towards identity result in oppression. This was where we struck gold; if various intersections in one’s identity lead to oppression, this leads one to ask who are the oppressors? Presumably, if having a greater intersectional identity leads to more oppression, then those who lack these intersections are removed from these obstacles, if not the oppressors. In other words, the people that are doing the oppression are the people who are those lacking in intersections. For us, this means assuming that the main proponents of oppression are straight, white, cisgender, male, upperclass, and whatever else is considered dominant in society. They, in other words, are our enemies. There was also another revolutionary concept that unintentionally allowed us to make our VictimCard™: what experiences are deemed oppression? How is it that

Vol. XXXII, Issue IX

BINGHAMTONREVIEW.COM we can guarantee the use of our card if oppression varies from individual to individual? Does the oppression of a trans-woman of color outweigh the oppression of an LGBTQIIA+ Native American woman? The inability to form a concise definition means that oppression is based on the subjective experience of an individual and how they subjectively perceive it to relate to their group identity. The end result? There is now no need to think about the value of proving objective discrimination, whether it is present or not; so long as you perceive an obstacle is a result of your intersecting identity, it exists, hence no social currency required. Thus, we have more than enough ingredients to give everyone a VictimCard™ so that we can fight for social justice!

You may be asking, “When and where can I use this VictimCard™?”

Why, it is applicable to virtually all of your needs, and can be used anywhere you like! Don’t like how someone with a different viewpoint is allowed on campus? Use the card to argue that they are complicit in your oppression! Don’t want to have a debate in good faith about political topics that you may disagree with? Use the card to call that person a racist, sexist, homophobe that should feel unsafe in public spaces, proof be damned! See something you disagree with? Take action before claiming that the “politicalization” of the issue ignores a specific identity group, then put it on the card! And we have even seen it in action here, at Binghamton University!

That’s right, we have had an extremely successful time marketing our card to the people pushing social justice on this very campus. I can think of a couple of events that encapsulate the use of our wonderful VictimCard™.

Take, for instance, a minor incident that occurred on a bus where an evil

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pro-life organization had its advertisements torn down by an activist.

When questioned, they used the card, stating that what was torn down was “literally a wrong poster” and that the organization didn’t address “...poor women of color,” even if it is a private company whose services you don’t have to use and whose property you destroyed. Perfect use of the card by Intersectionality Inc.! Or how about the protests against the white supremicist harassment engine TPUSA, run in part by the African American conservative activist Candice Owens?

Their very support for Donald Trump and gun rights is a subjective attack against minority communities, so protesters showed up en mass to use the card, shutting them down and later shutting down a completely separate event by the racist College Republicans. It was certainly justified with our VictimCard™, because we shut down debate with white supremicists while shouting unironically “Free Speech.” After all, hate speech isn’t free speech (even though I can’t remember what specific thing they said that was hate speech). Perhaps the most heroic moment from that saga was when a young woman yelled at one of the club members, stating that police only protect people “...like you.”

When clarifying, the young activist screams “YOUR WHITE!” Wow! Not only did she use Intersectionality Inc. philosophy and the card, but she can also be characterized as a CompletelyUnderstanding-of-the-New-Truthtype of person, the New Truth being that we can judge someone based on their oppressive skin color! Fascinating! I’m sure that anyone involved with TPUSA or the College Republicans didn’t receive any threats of violence and what could possibly be considered sexual harassment. And even if they did, it was certainly justified when an audio tape leaked, where

they compared having a “scandal free year” to “scorched earth,” which was not sarcastic banter taken out of context. Just put it on the card!

Of course, not everyone is willing to take the card, and some have even proposed alternatives to Intersectionality Inc. Their philosophy is without any merit, though, and does not take away from the awesome powers of our VictimCard™. Take, for instance, the individualism posited by Ayn Rand. As a “philosopher,” Rand argued that individualism was the key to rising above the pact, that those with vision and dedication are able to overcome any obstacle, and that one should live not by subjective urges or tribalism, but instead via reason.

How ridiculous is that!? Or how about those that argue that justice doesn’t necessarily mean equality at ALL levels of society, like Robert Nozick?

Obvious nonsense from someone who doesn’t think of group justice, regardless of individual circumstances.

But these challenges are few and far between. After all, what would you rather do: have a discussion about the complexities of individual circumstances and how they relate to society, carefully examining if your identity is relevant to the conversation, or point to your intrinsic identity being oppressed in any given situation, with a quick swipe of our VictimCard™ to end the debate. To me, well, the choice is obvious. Even if intersectional theory didn’t set out to create the card, specific elements within it certainly provided us with enough to create this magnificent device. So get it now!

Don’t worry about debating issues or questioning if overusing accusations of discrimination may dilute its value, because there is no social currency attached to this card! Even if nothing objectively wrong occurred, your subjective experience is all that matters, and you need this card to justify it.

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100 THINGS TO DO WHILE IN SELF-QUARANTINE

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100 Things to Do While in Self-Quarantine

By Our Staff

With the current COVID-19 outbreak reaching pandemic status, many non-essential businesses have closed down, and health experts recommend staying home as much as possible. The result of this, of course, is extreme boredom. Here’s a list of 100 things that us enlightened liberals can do to pass the time.

1. Post communist propaganda on Tumblr 2. Catch up on reading Marx 3. Simp your favorite e-girl 4. Complain about Donald Trump on Twitter 5. Pretend to pay attention to your professor’s Zoom lectures 6. Cry 7. Sleep on your mountain of hoarded hand sanitizer 8. Stan Alexandria-Ocasio Cortez 9. Finish writing your intersectional LGBTQAAIP2+ Five Nights at Freddy’s fan fiction 10. Nothing 11. Something 12. Watch CNN 13. Screech about how the world is ending 14. Use Binghamton Review as toilet paper, since you can’t buy any at the stores 15. Subtweet the Binghamton Review Editor-in-Chief on Twitter 16. Read Binghamton REEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEE 17. Paint(ing), A lot of paint(ing) 18. Fantasize about raiding the closed businesses 19. Drugs 20. Come up with a list of things to do while in self-quarantine 21. Laugh at all the capitalist 10

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pigs that lost money on the stock market 22. Smash the patriarchy 23. Watch Ghostbusters (the 2016 remake, obviously) 24. Cook some organic, vegan, gluten-free food 25. Become a cannibal (bonus if that person is rich) 26. Pirate the movie Barnyard: The Original Party Animals 27. Read the book based on the movie Barnyard: The Original Party Animals 28. Write angry letters to BAE Systems 29. Maybe play some video games or something 30. Spit on pictures of Mike Pence 31. Scream at a wall about the 1% 32. Reduce carbon emissions 33. Stop cows from farting 34. Hug a tree 35. Pat yourself on the back for saving the environment 36. Pat yourself on the back because you vote Democrat and are therefore a good person 37. Pat yourself on the back just because 38. I think you’ve earned another pat on the back 39. Another!

40. One more 41. That should be fine

42. Ok, stop now please 43. Seize the means of production 44. Seize the memes of production 45. Seize the means of production again 46. Seize. Because you’re epileptic 47. Listen to BROCKHAMPTON 48. Listen to Rex Orange County 49. Can’t have a quarantine without Radiohead 50. Watch Samatha Bee - the funniest woman on television!

51. Watch John Oliver - the funniest Brit on YouTube!

52. Say “Orange Man bad” 53. RUSSIA BAD! 54. UKRAINE BAD! 55. Impeach Drumpf!

56. Shit, we’re really running out of ideas aren’t we?

57. Check for spelling errors on your protest signs 58. Add spelling errors to your protest signs 59. Abort some babies 60. Regret voting for Jill Stein in 2016 61. Make fun of Christians for believing in a magical flying man that lives in space 62. Hate on the Jews, oops I mean Israel 63. Masturbate Vol. XXXII, Issue IX

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64. ...to furry porn 65. Contemplate sue of side 66. It’s gonna take a lot to take me away from youuuuuu 67. There’s nothing that a hundred men or more could ever doooooo 68. I’ll bless the rains down in Africaaaaaaa 69. Nice 70. Gonna take some time to do the things we never haaaaaaaaaad 71. Doo doo doo doo doo doo doooooo 72. Protest Toto for cultural appropriation (they’re not even from Africa!)

73. Wash your hands 74. Remember that Kamala Harris was a prosecutor 75. Therefore she is a cop 76. And therefore racist (PERIODT)

STOP BEING SO MEAN TO US!

77. Indoctrinate some children 78. Sleep 79. Wake (me) up 80. WAKE ME UP INSIIIIDE 81. Can’t wake up 82. WAKE ME UP INSIIIDE 83. Remember that Trump is still president 84. SAVE MEEEEE 85. Call my name and save me from the dark!

86. Write one sentence as a group 87. (Seriously, it’s harder than you think when you have five people on one Google Doc) 88. Luckily the more people writing at once, the more communisty the results 89. The joke is getting really old, but at this point we’re determined to make it to 100 90. Go to your shrine of BreadTubers and pray (Shit, ar-

en’t we supposed to be atheist?)

91. Think back about that one time Free Press reviewed Phineas and Ferb hentai 92. Think back about that one time, at band camp...

93. Yell at black police officers for being racist in Amerikkka 94. If we don’t get it, shut it down!

(ECONOMICS IS HARD) 95. Polish your katana collection (you’ll need them for the revolution) 96. Feed your 20 cats 97. Take a hit of your Mountain Dew Juul pods 98. Tip your fedora to womxn 99. Complain that there aren’t enough obese nonbinary womxn of color in Super Smash Bros.

Ultimate 100. Holy f**k we actually did it, good work everyone 101. Dalmations

STOP BEING SO MEAN TO US!

By Alleged Pipe Dream Editor

I

t has come to our attention that Binghamton Reeeeeeeeeeeeeeee is allowing us to have a platform so we can address an issue that everyone is thinking about: those rude, cool, kids at THE Binghamton Review! Here is our chance to CLAP BACK! Let us start by saying that YOU GUYS ARE BIG DUMB POOPOO HEADS! Why is it that you guys have to constantly take our op-eds and rebut our main points? WE REALLY BELIEVE IN THOSE THINGS!1!!!1! WHY DO YOU HAVE TO DISAGREE?! Press Watch is nothing more than you guys bullying us for no reason, and it needs to stop! Every claim we make is solid, has credible evidence, and should immediately be taken seriously without doing individual research! You cool kids have stolen our dreams and adulthood with your empty disagreements.

HOW DARE YOU!

editor@binghamtonreview.com

Next, we are SO triggered that you guys joke that we don’t have journalistic integrity. WE HAVE PRESS PASSES! What do you have? Ethics?

Maybe, but that doesn’t mean that you guys are better than us! We have always made sure to write our opinions into the pieces before finding out what actually happened, but that doesn’t mean that we lack journalistic integrity! WE WORKED HARD FOR OUR SOCIOLOGY DEGREES! Can you name one time where we may have gotten the facts wrong and blatantly inserted our own opinions? Our articles about the TPUSA Gun Rally, the Art Laffer Protest, Trump lying about the protest, and that time those evildoers from TPUSA discussed violently attacking students completely seriously were 100% true! Our other articles about the existence of the tooth fairy, bigfoot, and the moon being made of

cheese are also true, even if we couldn’t publish them.

And then there was that ruuuuuuuuude diss track (which can be found on YouTube, Spotify, Apple Music, TIDAL, Amazon Music, iTunes, and more)! We’ve only schemed to tackle and strangle the American dream twice, and one of them was in 2016. Also, we get plenty of exercise; I just got back from my [insert wellness class here]. And by the way, our stacks are always full because we print so many copies BUT PEOPLE DO READ IT! I know this is true because my mom is proof. One last thing: we CAN get Bill Clinton on Viagra excited! Our sex article was very kinky, even if you need a QR code to read it! Just wait until our response (“Bing Review Down”) comes out April 31st .

In conclusion, YOU GUYS ARE DERPY SLURPEES.

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COVID-19: WHY WE NEED MORE AUTHORITARIANISM

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COVID-19: Why We Need More Authoritarianism

By Comrade Kevin

C

OVID-19, also referred to as the novel coronavirus, has severely wrecked political, economic, and social life across the United States over the past three or so weeks. Businesses across the country have shut their doors, sports leagues have suspended play, and, as of press time, the Dow Jones Industrial Average has lost about a third of its points.. Many feel that the next few months will be bleak, and with good reason, as it seems that life may not be back to normal until the summer. We must recognize a simple fact: most of this could have been avoided with more government involvement in all factions of our life.

We should use this pandemic to foster changes. This is an opportunity for us to banish the democratic factions integrated into our government and Constitution once and for all, and start the revolution this country needs.

Liberals have been quite vocal in criticisms of President Trump and the federal government’s response to COVID-19, as it seems little preparation was done in advance, and we are behind other countries in terms of testing and density reduction. Why is this the case? Because our system puts too much emphasis on personal freedoms in a way that handcuffs what

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the government can do. Do you know what the easy solution to this goddamn pandemic is? Some good old fashion authoritarianism. What’s more important to you, some personal and civil liberties, or making sure grandma survives this shit? I know I would certainly sacrifice my freedoms to make sure Sunday dinner goes on without disruption.

Don’t believe me? I’m here to show you all the things that could simply be solved if we were just a little more authoritarian. By now we all know how important avoiding contact with other people, or “social distancing,” is. It’s pretty simple, a virus needs people to diffuse, therefore the fewer contact there is between people, the less the virus spreads, and the easier it is to contain. Everybody consistently vilifies China for being authoritarian, but when this crisis started in the city of Wuhan they were able to successfully force residents to shelter in place or else be severely reprimanded. The kiddos over there may not be able to watch Winnie The Pooh, but at least the government has adequate power to handle a pandemic. For comparison, just last week college kids went in droves to the beaches, ignoring orders from a myriad of government officials.

The main problem here is that federal and state governments can provide a lot of orders, but with the current structure have no effective way of enforcing them. This must change.

So how do you enforce effectively? Easy, you look to two of my favorite authoritarians, Joseph Stalin and Adolf Hitler. Yes, like all of us they had their faults but, if there is one thing they were good at it was scaring their people into obedience, which is exactly what we need right now. I guarantee you they would have had this coronavirus situation under control. You wouldn’t see Chad and his frat bros on Daytona Beach under their rule.

You see, if you disobeyed these fellows you’d be certain to come into contact

with something called the Secret Police and be risking severe punishment.

The extreme circumstances caused by COVID-19 are the perfect time for the United States to form one of these elite and effective units. To make this even more efficient, take inspiration from Abraham Lincoln and suspend habeas corpus indefinitely. Anybody who doesn’t maintain their six foot distance from others is arrested and jailed immediately, no questions asked. Next, go back to our glory days and use armed firefighters in the streets; if anyone is still not in compliance, then the tanks are ordered in. I guarantee you everyone would stay scared shitless in their house and this virus would be gone in three weeks flat.

Others are asking, what about the lack of medical supplies and tests currently, how will authoritarianism fix that? Simple, you nationalize the industries stupid. No longer will you have evil capitalist corporations trying to earn profits. Instead, you will have the highly efficient United States government, which operates phenomenal businesses such as the United States Postal Service and Amtrak. I have no doubt that supplies such as medical masks and ventilators would come out on time and on budget under government control compared to private industry.

You see, it really isn’t that hard to beat COVID-19, we just have too many pussies preventing it from happening. All I continually hear is nonstop whining that we cannot let the government attain too much power.

Why? Why is big government and temporary authoritarianism so scary to all of you?. Just because you lose some freedoms for a little bit doesn’t mean you are never going to get them back. I promise not all of these changes will be permanent, there is nothing to be scared of. If you want coronavirus to end quickly you have to sacrifice some rights to allow for temporary authoritarianism.

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THE LIZARD PEOPLE OF BINGHAMTON

The Lizard People of Binghamton

By Jonah Alexander

Hello readers of Binghamton REEEEEEEEE. I am Jonah Alexander, professional journalist at The Culture War Today. After a long day of taking male vitality pills, collecting rainwater, purifying the air from chemtrails, and building a doomsday bunker for the inevitable deep state coup, I have made a shocking discovery—the lizard people have invaded Binghamton University.

Now you may think to yourself, “Lizard people? What’s next, is he going to try to tell us that Russians exist?”

But believe me, Lizard people exist and I have undeniable proof. You may be thinking: “Where are the scales, eyes, and other lizard-like features?” Well, that’s the problem. These lizard people have evolved to the point where it is impossible for the human eye to distinguish them from normal humans like you and me. The difference exists not in their physical appearance, but in biology. The chemicals betacine, simpine, and bruhmomentium are found in high concentrations in these lizard people. Even though discovering this was a major breakthrough, there’s still much more to learn. For instance, what is the true form of these lizard people? Do they have souls? Unfortunately, my research funding is limited by the amount of donors on Patreon, so I’ll just stick to what we know.

There are two main types of lizard people. The first kind are called chameleons. You can spot them by their bright, constantly changing hair. This is not dye as you might think, but rather a reaction to the climate. Another type are the bots. Bots spend most of their time on social media spreading subliminal messages and other lizard propaganda, though most of their posts are pretty obviously false.

So, how did the lizard people come about? The Illuminati, obviously.

After World War II, a group of powerful men from across the globe came together in an effort to bring about world peace. However, they are the ILLUMINATI, so their idea of world

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peace is turning everyone into a lizard. At first the organization was weak, but eventually they gained more power. Soon they were able to get one of their own, a man (lizard) by the name of BARACK OBAMA, into the Oval Office. But Obama wasn’t just a fluke, oh no, they’ve been planning this for years. Of course, they were only able to achieve this through the influence of other lizard people, such as MARK ZUCKERBURG. I mean, just look at him. There’s no way that this “man” is human, it’s like the lizard people have stopped trying. Anyways, The Zucc has been stealing data for years to give to his reptilian overlords. Of course he hasn’t found any dirt on me (I use incognito mode). They’ve also had the help of Obama’s second-in-command JOE BIDEN. While he’s been on the sidelines for a while, the reptilians have finally promoted him to supreme chairman of operations.

After the reptilians last base of Area 51 was compromised due to “internet memes,” the brotherhood needed a new place to operate. They chose Binghamton. Why? Well they just chose it out of a hat at random (typical lizard people). So where is their base?

After days of searching everywhere on campus (even the hillside apartments and gender neutral bathrooms) I’ve determined that the lizard people are hiding in Hinman Dining Hall! While

it may look like a normal dining hall, underneath that layer of dirt and debris is a base full of sinister contraptions. Of course, I’ve been investigating this place for months now, digging more and more each day. Upon snooping around I discovered not only all of this information, but also their master plan. For years these globalists have tried to control the masses in many ways (air, water, food, etc.), but now they have finally found the perfect medium to gain complete control: the internet! You see, the reptilians know that zoomers spend 90% of their time connected to the internet, so they have devised a plan to spread subliminal messages via memes. These messages are orders to submit to the reptilians and become one of the lizard people.

So what can YOU (that’s right YOU) do to stop this? Well, here’s the deal: I am once again asking for your financial support. However, I’m not a commie, so if you donate right now (Bitcoin only please) you’ll receive a week’s supply of Super Male Vitality testosterone pills. These pills won’t just protect you from the chemtrails and radio waves, they’ll also turn you into an epic Chad. Once I have acquired enough funding for my counter attack I’ll contact you to let you know the plans. Until then, just stay safe and don’t go outside.

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LOSING YOUR HEADPHONES

Losing Your Headphones

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By Harold Rook

H

ello, comrades! After reading a LOT of Krompkin and Marx, watching popular BreadTube channels, and eating some weird paint chips that fell from the ceiling of a condemned building near my house, I have decided to become a part of Antifa. After mingling with fellow leftist revolutionaries in a Starbucks and determining what flavor I should make my soy latte, we put on our black clothes and took to the streets, protesting the racist capitalist imperialist misogynist classist police state that we are currently living under. While marching and carrying a sign saying “RESIST FASCISM”, my fellow Blackshirts took to the streets, scaring away the Nazi-filled roads by destroying windows and swinging clubs in every direction. By the end of the day, I welled up with pride as I looked back at our town, covered in broken glass and ambulances coming from every direction, knowing that this was how to resist fascism. Unfortunately for me, not everyone shares my revolutionary spirit; evil Nazis lurk behind every corner, so I am always vigilant. What has been my current priority is an issue that demands direct action: hate speech. It is everywhere! Therefore, I have since been trying to rally the masses, attempting to show that we, as a society that has “free speech”, have no tolerance for intolerance.

The funny thing is, though, some people claim that hate speech IS a form of free speech. Ridiculous, right? These people are simply apologists for the

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fascist Drumpf dictatorship, who can’t see the obvious truth that we need to spread tolerance...BY FORCE! In fact, just being in any way supportive of Drumpf is in itself being complicit in fascism, racism, homophobia, xenophobia, and the capitalist system that oppresses us. But having any dialogue with these racists is harmful, even detrimental, to your physical well being.

Why, there was one time where I was directly exposed to such hate, seeing MAGA drones perusing just outside my house. Putting on my big-boy mask, I prepared to confront them and show those evil conservatives that THESE ARE OUR STREETS. There was just one slight problem: I forgot my headphones. Headphones were essential for my mission; how else was I supposed to drown out their dialogue while shouting every horrid curse in the book? Nevertheless, I am never one to back down, especially when the first conservative I went up to is a short, quiet girl who spoke in a respectful manner.

After hurling the correct labels of her being a neo-Nazi homophobe that should be afraid to be in public, I asked how is it that she, and her fellow conservatives, can categorizes everyone on the left as a communist that would send dissidents to gulags. And get this: she said that I, the guy covered head to toe in black and with a bike lock in tow, was endorsing fascist methodology in politics. What drivel! Before I can snap back by calling HER the fascist, a Jewish man wearing an Israeli flag as

a cape comes up to us to see what is going on, and I wish I had my headphones on. The flag triggers me; how is it that someone is allowed to show support for the Zionist-occuppied nightmare that is Israel when they are stealing the land from the righteous Palestinians? Taken aback, the man responds that antisemitism is on the rise in Europe and America, and that he, in fact, supports a peaceful two-state solution, if only the current Palestinian Authority, Hamas, didn’t endorse antisemetic violence. He then showed me Articles 7 and 32 of The Covenant of Hamas, saying that it was a concern of his and thus led him to support Israel. I was forced to listen to him, and muttered under my breath that Hamas should keep bombing Israel. Just having the flag out was supporting violence, so it was only right that I should advocate for the continued violence against Israelis, military or otherwise.

My final encounter with a bigot was with an elderly black woman, and boy, if there was any time I would need headphones, it was then! I asked, no, DEMANDED to know how she could possibly support the Drumpf presidency. And get this: she cited STATISTICS, saying that Reuters found that black unemployment under Drumpf was only 5.9%. She also mentioned how the orange man was possibly the most LGBT friendly president in history, but at that point, I shut down. I ran back to my house, attempting to process what I just heard.

Where were my headphones when I needed them? How could I possibly respond to their dialogue?

Can’t they see that they are supporting a literal fascist? Or, maybe, just maybe, was I in the wrong? Was me using violent intimidation going too far? Could it be that I should maybe approach people of a differing ideology in good faith, and not label everything they say as hate speech? Hmmmm...NAH! I got better things to do, liking going back to that condemned building and eating those tasty paint chips!

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Right Wing Bad

RIGHT WING BAD

By Comrade Kevin

I

f there is one thing I took away from my semester and a half on campus at Binghamton University it’s just how hateful, racist, and horrible the political right is. I was, regretfully, a conservative in High School, and admired the likes of Ben Shapiro, Donald Trump, and even Alex Jones. Thankfully, since coming to Binghamton, I have instead come to adore some of the most accomplished people in the United States: Nancy Pelosi, Bernie Sanders, and Alexandria Ocasio Cortez (who is my favorite person to simp for). These people have fundamentally changed the way I look at the world.

No longer do I worry about minuscule elements of society such as the national debt, because why should that factor into our decisions? All that should matter is that everyone is as happy as can be; you can’t place a price tag on happiness.

“Naturally, I concluded that if my professors, all of whom have PHDs from some of the most distinguished universities in the world, held these views, then I should subscribe to them too.”

My transformation started when I got to Binghamton during my first semester. I quickly discovered that most of my professors were leftist neo-Marxists. Naturally, I concluded that if my professors, all of whom have PHDs from some of the most distinguished universities in the world, held these views, then I should subscribe to them too. I expressed these views to my roommate, and he encouraged me to go with him to a College OProgressives meeting, where I was (correctly) informed about the long history of genocide facilitated by white men and the privilege I had been unfairly born with. I now understand that I am inherently a bad person because of the actions of ancestors that I have never met. I continued to attend their meetings and was inspired by their beliefs such as the Green New Deal, social-

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ized medicine, and abolishing the state of Israel (it’s just anti-Zionism, we’re not anti-Semetic I swear).

In just a short time I have learned how truly horrible the right is. For example, conservatives believe you should have to work a job to be able to pay for food or shelter. That’s so unfair!

Why should I have to do something I don’t want to do in order to support myself? I should be able to follow my dream to make Marxist TikToks all day, while the evil rich people pay for me to live. Why do conservatives insist that I contribute to their racist capitalist society? I don’t want to! This is discrimination against lazy people and I will not conform to it! Conservatives also believe in bigoted and flawed ideas like “personal freedom,” “individualism,” and “small government.” I used to value those things, but my time at Binghamton University have taught me the error of my old ways.

While at Binghamton, I have seen first hand how disgusting conservatives are. One day back in November I was walking down the Spine and I noticed a group of students with some posters and a cardboard cutout of the Orange Man himself. I could not believe such blatant bigotry was allowed on campus! They stood at a table handing out hot chocolate and talking to people, which was behavior I perceived as very threatening. Obviously the hot chocolate was a symbol of their desire to want to burn brown

and black people. Their behavior threatened the safety of all people of color at Binghamton. As such, I immediately searched for a way to bravely shut them down. I was happy to see that others felt the same way, as my fellow comrades showed up to protest in a way that was both very peaceful and morally correct. Despite how the racist right-wing news outlets portrayed it, we were completely justified in preventing their ideas from being spread.

We cannot risk any more Hitler Youth walking around this campus.

Days later, the very same right wing groups invited economist Arthur Lather to campus. Laffer is well-known for pioneering the very racist idea of supply-side economics, which cut taxes on the wealthy to help “stimulate” economic growth. What an absolutely outrageous way to think! Doesn’t he realize that tax cuts are bad for people that don’t work? Fortunately, my fellow comrades rose to the occasion again and used their First Amendment right to freedom of speech to talk over Mr. Laffer, because once again, we could not risk our campus being exposed to such hateful ideas from a privileged white man. It had to be done, because Laffer’s discussion of economics very clearly makes people unsafe.

I am forever grateful for everyone at Binghamton that showed me how wrong I was to support conservatives ideas. I am much better off now that I know I’m supposed to hate myself for being white, and hate everyone that doesn’t agree with me. Since others have not been able to undergo that same change I have, I’ve determined there is only one final solution to the problem of Republicans on campus: banish them. No longer should I be forced to deal with them and their microaggressions. I strongly believe that if we eliminate conservatives from our campus, everyone will be happier. I am calling on Harvey Stenger to round up all the right wingers at Binghamton University and export them, so we can allow the revolution to fully take hold.

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