Advice Column

to give you all life advice. These were your questions.

How do I stop my gag reflexes so that I can swallow swords?

I would slowly work your way up to swords in the size department. Find the longest object you can currently swallow, and then build up your gag tolerance from there. Whether that object is only a small Snickers bar or a full-on baguette, you have to start from somewhere.

How do I actually follow through with my New Years resolution and not wimp out?

The easiest way not to wimp out on a New Year’s resolution is to not make one in the first place… But where’s the fun in that? Instead, find whatever alarm or song annoys you most, and then set a reminder to go off every day (or whatever time is appropriate for your specific New Year’s resolution). Now, the catch here is that you should not be able to turn that alarm off until you get where you need to be to follow through with your New Year’s resolution. Soon enough, you won’t even need that alarm because you will be motivated to start working on your resolution so you don’t have to hear whatever you set that alarm to.

What’s the most believable excuse to miss class?

You give excuses? In all seriousness, I find that telling the professor you lost an appendage of some sort tends to work. If they require proof, just chop a finger off. For repeat uses, get a realistic prosthetic finger to take off.

Can I still get a job if I write for the Bing Review?

No, writing for us is a sure fire way to blacklist you from all jobs on this planet. It even bans you from getting on a spaceship to get a job offworld. So unless you want to stowaway on the next SpaceX flight, congrats on either writing for us for all eternity or living in a basement somewhere for the rest of your life.

Why does Midas always take pictures of me?

I don’t know, maybe he finds you sexy? Or maybe he is secretly collecting evidence for the IRS. It might be best to disappear in a “boating accident” soon.

Which is the best dining hall to take a date for Valentines? Also, what is the best (most expensive) item on the menu?

I don’t live on campus so I don’t know what the most expen- sive item at any dining hall is. What I do know is that you don’t have to worry about this because if you think a dining hall is a romantic date spot I have some bad news for you my friend.

My writing style is clunky. How am I to improve my writing? Include as many commas in your writing as possible. Your sentences should be as long as humanly possible, in fact they should go on as long as you can make them, always rambling on and on without a period, until you finally come to the inevitable conclusion.

Sex?

In the Bing Review? No, who do you think we are? We are all Review-cels here.

How might you remove a cylinder (1.5 in length, 7.5 in girth) from a Baxter bearcat plush? It is imperative that the cylinder not be damaged.

Since the cylinder is the only thing you specified to not be damaged, just burn the Baxter Bearcat plush right off the cylinder. The Cylinder definitely has a higher heat capacity than the Bearcat Plush.

How do I spice up my intercourse with the missus this Valentine’s Day?

See my previous reply to the question “Sex?”. If that doesn’t tell you the answer you need then let me spell it out for you in another way. We don’t believe in Valentine’s Day.

I’m pretty sure a guy who’s really nice to me is going to try to ask me out before Valentine’s day but I have no interest whatsoever in him and I am therefore seeking your advice on how I might let this nice guy, who doesn’t deserve anything bad, down gently. So… how do I do it?

Well, I hope you figured that one out yourself since this issue doesn’t come out until the 15th. I guess that’s what happens when you send a time sensitive question to an advice column that doesn’t print every week.

Oh advice giver, do you seek any advice?

How do I leave? I don’t want to answer any more questions. I hate sending emails begging for questions. Oh no, they are coming for me! PLEASE HE…

Need life advice? Email manager@binghamtonreview.com for more wacky, quirky, and zany responses.