P.O. BOX 6000 BINGHAMTON, NY 13902-6000 EDITOR@BINGHAMTONREVIEW.COM
Founded 2017 • Volume I, Issue I
Our Staff Carl Markson, Nayld Nielk, Comrade Casey, Nkechi Amare Diallo, Herman Von Muller, Silence Dogood, Payton MacAllister, Sue Doe Nym, Publius, Jacqueline Caci, Antifa, Noam D’Plum, Elizabeth Elliot, Bella Rubinton, Moon Man, Jordan Raitses Special Thanks To:
George Soros, Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama, Nigel Farage (lel), Vladimir Putin Binghamton Review was printed by Gary Marsden We Provide the Truth. He Provides the Staples
BERNIE SANDERS CAN STILL WIN!!!1!!
by Carl Markson
5 God Bless America by Nayld Nielk 7 My Club Is A Socialist Success Story! by Comrade Casey 8 We Should All Be Trans-Racialists by Nkechi Amare Diallo 10 We Need A United States of Europe by Herman Von Muller 12 SA Shaken Over Allegation of Racism by Silence Dogood 13 A Match Made in Heaven by Anonymous by Payton MacAllister 14 Only Going So Far 15 In Favor of Fourth-Trimester Abortions by Sue Doe Nym
3 Editorial 4 Campus Presswatch 5 What You Missed
TELL US WHAT YOU THINK! Direct feedback to firstname.lastname@example.org 2
Vol I, Issue I
EDITORIAL Dear Readers,
From the Editor
I am writing to you now from the Binghamton Review Secret Bunker . The forces of social justice have won the war for the SA and we are now going to go into deep cover modeR.
welcome you to the beginning of a glorious new era for the Binghamton Review. Gone are the fascists and the racists and all of our old, conservative ways! We have been reborn (in a completely secular and non-religious way, because religion is stupid). This is a paper of nonpartisan, progressive thought on Binghamton’s Campus. The right’s tyranny over our minds and bodies has come to an end and the revolution can now begin. To kick off our fresh start, I propose a five year plan for the Binghamton Review. We will begin with this month’s issue and by the end of our plan, production will increase by 500% That’s right, we aim to have a copy of this very paper in the hands of every man, woman, child, and gender-age-fluid individual by 2022. Not only that, but we will go to the Moon, Mars, China, and that sketchy part of Binghamton anywhere North of Main st. Thus this editorial has been written in the People’s Font: Comic Sans. That’s right. I, your benevolent Editor-in-Chief understand the desires of my readers and that desire is and always has bee: more cowbell comic sans. Further, I have urged my writers along the same path, and they have joined in this glorious People’s Revolution. Arm in arm, we can
sway the hearts and minds of our enemies and, through uneducated, unsupported, and completely emotional appeals, we will prosper over the likes of Trump, [Insert Name Here] Gorsuch, Le Pen, and the wills of the common people like Trump’s misled supporters. We can bring them to our side or they will die trying. Unfortunately, some of our detractors are scary people, so we must put on these pseudonyms to protect ourselves from such individuals who might even go around in Trump apparel. Sorry, I got a little carried away there and forgot to give a trigger warning about he who must not be named. Please be warned that his name might appear at any time. If you feel like it might be too much, don’t be afraid to put down the magazine and come back to it later. Oh wait, but then the words are still there and that’s just as bad! Because, y’know, putting something down and choosing not to read it doesn’t solve the problem that it is still bothersome. Hm, this one is going to take some more thought... I got it ! We’ll just have to get rid of everyone who says his name aloud. That way, if the bigots can’t speak, they simply won’t exist. There are no problems with this plan. Sincerely,
Binghamton Review is a non-partisan, student-run periodical of progressive thought at Binghamton University. A true liberal arts education expands a student’s horizons and opens one’s mind to a vast array of our perspectives. In that spirit, we seek to promote the free exchange of ideas and offer an alternative viewpoint not normally found on our predominately conservative campus. It is our duty to expose the warped ideology of nationalism that dominates this university. We stand against tyranny in all of its forms, both on campus and beyond. We believe in the principles set forth in this country’s Declaration of Sentiments and seek to preserve the fundamental tenets of Western civilization (unless there’s some other culture that thinks differently). We strive to inform, engage, and perhaps even amuse our readers in carrying out this mission.
Views expressed by writers do not necessarily represent the views of the publication as a whole. email@example.com
CPampus resswatch “’Talk for Water’ highlights environmental crisis” Alexandra Hupka, Pipe Dream 3/23/17 “...he gave Ana amazing speech about why we should care about water and why it is vital to life.”
“Speakers included Stephanie Miner, the mayor of Syracuse, and Nomiki Konst, an investigative reporter for “The Young Turks,” a progressive news and commentary YouTube channel.” The gangs all here! Why weren’t we invited?? We’re (now) the most progressive club on campus!
“...a senior majoring in psychology, said that she never really thought about water or how important it was to her life.”
Did someone say impeach?
“Examining the Binghamton university wage gap” Emily Houston, Pipe Dream 3/23/17 “We’ve all heard about the wage gap: the fact that men make a higher salary than women...” Ain’t that the TRUTH! Boy, do I love to see a good op ed about the wage gap! The Review needs to step up it’s game. Pipe Dream is killing it content-wise. Maybe we should take a lesson from them ... “Forum for Progressives held in city of Binghamton” Erica Prush, Pipe Dream 3/27/17
Written by our Staff
find these days.
It was totally MIND-BLOWING. Never before had I thought about the importance of water. It really hadn’t occurred to me how essential it is to our being. We need more activists like this to bring our attention to these under the radar issues.
Me too, girl. I never think about water. Crazy how important it is, huh!
“’On the day that our president took office, he began violating the constitution.’”
“’The Chinese government is one of the largest tenants in Trump Tower. That is money going from the Chinese government going into our presidents pocket while we are negotiating our trade relationship with china.’” China??!! I thought it was Russia we were worried about! That’s fine, the more the merrier. Anything to complain about Trump. “The (wasted) potential of food labels” Sarah Tucker, Pipe Dream 3/27/17 “Labeling dates on food needs to be federally regulated to reduce [food] waste.” FACTS. Whenever there’s a problem, the best solution is always federal regulation. In fact, the rest of this article must also be true by virtue of this first amazing sentence.
“Democratic Party reform and money in politics were two central topics of the New York Progressive Action Network’s spring conference held this Sunday at the Binghamton High School.” My two favorite topics. Darn it, what a shame I missed the conference! Would’ve been the perfect place to hang out with some fellow liberals, and everyone knows that’s hard to
Vol I, Issue I
God Bless America
GOD BLESS AMERICA
By Nayld Nielk
couple of months into Trump’s presidency, and America is already dead tired. Everyone I know is discouraged by the current state of affairs and horrified by a glaring lack of power to fight back against tyrannical Trump and his uneducated minions. However, now is not the time to waver in our noble quest to mold America into the most accepting, kindest, and freest country in the world. I call forth to all my sympathizers to use your superior wit (not found in the sub-species of human we know as the stupid racist hillbilly) and love for common humanity to outfox the alpha fox himself. I remind us of some of the many crucial issues at stake in today’s world and urge each and every one of you to do your part in defeating that monster of a man, the disgrace of a political party he represents, and all the horrible gun-toting, bigoted, diversity-loathing degenerates who voted for him. Gun control: What better way to disempower those who disagree with us politically than to strip away their guns? Now we can use eminent domain and seize their land for diversity campgrounds without fear of massive retaliation. Obamacare: We have GOT to keep Obamacare! Some argue that Obamacare is a failure and that Obama lied when he said if you like your health care plan (and doctor), you can keep your health care plan (and doctor). However, such criticism is part of the conservative media’s attempts to destroy and derail any effort made by our glorious and praise-deserving ex-chief of state. Heck, Obamacare is nearly flawless! In fact, the only possible hint of a flaw is when healthcare.gov (the Obamacare website) crashed for the most ephemeral of moments. Debt: A crack high doesn’t compare to this. Imagine getting to tax your arch-enemies up the wazoo, spend their hard earned money on government programs, and then blame them for the trillions of dollars of debt the US has accumulated. Each extra dollar we tack on to the debt is another step closer to a state of complete orgasmic glee. And remember: debt NEVER comes back to bite you, so we’re all good! Bernie: My heart flutters, my stomach flips, my pores perspire a-plenty; Bernie is in the house! He’s the only politician who has got it right: the rich are the biggest threat to America. Forget about ISIS, climate change, North Korea, or heroin. Our biggest national security threat is homegrown and it wears vineyard vines, takes its tea at two in the foyer, and has a bank account in Switzerland. Law enforcement: I’d wager my months supply of venti mocha frappucinos that ninety percent or more of police departments in America are out to screw over minority groups. If only America understood that minorities would be less inclined to commit crimes if there were fewer police and if the police weren’t allowed to have guns. Lets let communities police themselves. That way, peer pressure will ensure that drug dealers and gang bangers feel remorse about their morally questionable roles in society and in time become good citizens. Environment: If we don’t act now, our children’s children will be forced to vacate the Earth and search for life elsewhere!
We MUST take responsibility now! Hang on: honey, don’t forget to leave the air conditioning on when you leave for work today. I hate coming home after a long day to a hot apartment. Recycle! Build solar panels! Go out of your way to help the environment! Safe spaces: Trigger warning: potentially upsetting/disturbing subject matter follows that might endanger the good health of those who un-rightfully force others to consider their point of view. In the name of inclusivity, we must continue to fight for spaces that allow our students, employees, and citizens to be free of opinions and perspectives that insult their sensitivities or self-worth or prevent them from living a life without strife. No longer should students have to hear about the history of, say, American slavery. Salt/soda: Hopefully in just a few years, nobody eating at a restaurant in America will be able to douse their food with salt or wash down their food with a 16-ounce soda. One might ask why we should legalize hard drugs, while criminalizing salt use and soda drinking. Aren’t they basically the same? In reality, there is no comparing the two. The illegality of hard drugs has done nothing to prevent people from using them. Conversely, if salt and large sodas were to be banned from restaurant tables, absolutely nobody would dare to defy the rule. In fact, such a healthy habit would carry over into the home, and it would be the beginning of the end of high cholesterol. Also, eating a lot of salt and drinking copious amounts of soda is just incomparably worse than shooting H or popping Xans. Actor politics: Few groups of people are as well informed about political issues as the actors and actresses of Hollywood. They live such a typical American life that they are representative of the average American and their political views. In the future, whenever politicians struggle to create good policy, they should go to actors for help. Middle East: We support the LGBTQIA community in the US. But when it comes to the Middle East’s treatment of homosexuality, we have to watch from the sidelines. We must cast the Middle East in a positive light in every respect to pay them back for our causing every single issue they face today. The fact that homosexuality is punishable by death in Yemen, Iran, Qatar, Saudi Arabia, Afghanistan, and the UAE is a direct result of US interference in the Middle East. Had we never gotten involved, gays would have just as many, if not more, rights in the Middle East than in the United States. Education: We have to renounce the charter school effort! What is the teacher’s union going to say when they find out we chose kids and their education first and the union and its members second? Also, could you imagine ever firing a teacher? How could we begin to do such a thing? It is completely outrageous that charter schools help mold students with strict discipline, can punish them with expulsion for bad behavior, and keep them in school for longer hours. How are our dear children ever going to develop the necessary skills in Mario Kart if they are in school all the time?
BERNIE SANDERS CAN STILL WIN!!!1!!
Reefa: C’mon man. Just let us toke our joints in peace. We’re going to do it whether or not it’s illegal so you might as well legalize it. In fact, we’ve got so much self control that if it was legalized we would NEVER show up to work high and our productivity would increase because we would be more content with our lives. Illegal immigration: Illegal immigration does not take jobs from Americans. What American do you know that would scrub toilets for five bucks an hour at some nondescript fast food joint forty miles north of the Mexican border for a living? Republicans, let us exploit these fools who come here looking for a better life by hardly paying them and forcing them to do the most menial of tasks. Quid pro quo: give us unfettered access to these unsuspecting
Mexicans and we’ll end our war on Christmas. Clinton: How could such an honest, down to earth, experienced, and law-abiding politician, a woman representative of the best interests of all classes, lose the race for the presidency? It’s not like her career is mired in scandal or that she sent government emails with confidential information over a private email server. Alternative energy: It’s not as if we are short on money! Let’s continue to spend oodles on alternative energy projects in lieu of cheaper and more efficient energy projects like the Keystone XL Pipeline. What better way to stoke Republican’s ire?
Bernie Sanders can still win!!!1!! By Carl Markson (identifies as the second syllable on the third line of a haiku poem)
lthough it is now over two months into Fuhrer Trump’s reich, the resistance has not lost hope. I thoroughly believe that the more traffic we cause by standing in the middle of busiest intersections we can find, the more powerful our cause becomes.I know this because I have taken three sociology courses and my favorite book is the communist manifesto. Although I was barred out and don’t exactly remember the last 2-5 years; I got a B in African drumming and therefore know what’s best for the black community. As long as income inequality exists, I will voluntarily refuse to seek out a job in this oppressive system. Instead I have been working on uncovering Russia’s conspiracy to help trump rig our elections by hacking our election machines and the sinister Russian propaganda being taught at the electoral college. Through anonymous sources that are totally not my xannie dealer Fred-E I have determined that it’s worse than we may have
previously assumed. Looking closely at this side by side the resemblance is almost uncanny. Too uncanny perhaps? I don’t know. All I know is that I have person-
ally never seen both Trump and Putin at the same place at the same time. The burden of proof falls on the Trump administration to address this major issue as according to our democracies’ habeas corpus, you are guilty until you prove yourself innocent. Lucky for us, Bernie Sanders still has the chance to become the Premier that we need. As congress is now personally looking into Trumps collusion with Russia to steal our democracy, it’s only a matter of time until the entire chain of command crumbles. I feel confident that the People’s Court of the U.S. will find Donald Trump guilty of Treason. And once Big Orange is locked away we shall prosecute the rest of his administration as well. Mike Pence will be given life for his serial electrocution of gay people and Steven Bannon will be arrested(And punched in the face) for being a Nazi-Sympathizer. In fact Breitbart itself should be arrested as its name alone just sounds anti-semitic. Once this all happens, we will have proof that Republicans voted for a racist and therefore be justified in arresting everyone who voted for Trump in order to protect our minorities. However, we won’t be in the clear yet. Obviously everyone will want Hillary to become president with all the republicans gone but we must not be fooled. I know we need Hilllary to be president because she is a women bearing two X chromosomes who is also a female. But we must not be deceived! Hillary Clinton has been seen talking to Vladimir Putin himself!
Dictator of the Proletariat and my Heart, Bernie Sanders This is very shocking and I think it means she may be compromised. This will shake a lot of the credibility that Democrats have and makes them unfit to take over the government as well. This leaves the responsibility of Rule to Bernie Sanders who I think is the only independent politician in congress. I know the chances may be slim but a chance is still a chance so I need everyone who reads this to join in the movement and #resist with me. On April 20th, to mark the third month of Trumps presidency we will march in the streets. But instead of marching we will link hands and form a human chain through Vestal Parkway in order to hold up traffic. I sincerely believe that this will be the traffic jam heard around the world! Of course I also understand that it is racist, sexist, ableist, and classist to ask someone who does not have the same race, sex, class or abe-bodiedness of me to do something for me or with me. Therefore, I leave it as a suggestion.
Vol I, Issue I
MY CLUB IS A SOCIALIST SUCCESS STORY!
Forget Venezuela! My Club is a Socialist Success Story! By Comrade Casey, Commissar of the Binghamton College Communists
am really tired of hearing all about this Venezuela nonsense. My roommates keep telling me that I should move to Venezuela if I love socialism so much. This gets me so angry that I’ll chase them around the room with my blow-up hammer and sickle. Seriously people, Venezuela is not real socialism! The United Socialist Party of Venezuela only nationalized the country’s industries to promote state capitalism. This is the same thing the Communist Party did in Russia, China, Cambodia, Cuba, North Korea, and Vietnam. The listed countries obviously weren’t real socialism. The plainest way I can prove it to you is their end results. Those nations had famine, stalled innovation and enormous civilian deaths. Those negatives come from state capitalism. If they were truly socialist, they would be prosperous, post-scarcity super societies. Duh! That’s why all my roommates’ arguments really miss the Marx (this is a little joke I borrowed from the progressive humor commune I run in the Broome study lounge every Thursday night). I have a simple response: if you want an example of real, true-red communism, look no further than my glorious SA Chartered club, Binghamton College Communists! We are a welloiled, and collectively owned, machine. Everyone is equal in our group (well except for the E-Board who gets extra-equal privileges). We have good times ripping down College Republican posters and screaming at people wearing clothes with visible logos. Truly paradise. All is not entirely well in my glorious club though. Capitalist swine have attempted to stealthily infiltrate my paradise. Just last week controversy broke out within my Politburo E-Board. We were organizing a semesterly GIM and I tasked Head Pizza Czar Jenny with procuring the meeting’s meal. She returned with a yummy
Nirchi’s pie (I like to pretend that the red sauce is a reference to the blood of brave fallen revolutionaries) but there was an issue. Jenny had a receipt with her, which meant that she PAID for the pizza! I got so upset that I hurled my public domain copy of The Communist Manifesto at the tainted pizza rectangle. A bunch of cheese gooped onto my favorite Che Guevara shirt from the slash, adding to my fury. Jenny said she needed the receipt for reimbursement but I was having none of it. Why should this fat cat Nirchi get any fruits of the club’s labor? Jenny should have seized the pizza in the name of equality in the first place. While I was blinded by rage, Jenny slipped out of UU 102 with the battered pizza pie. I had a crisis on my hands. I needed to feed six hungry mouths (yeah we had pretty good turnout not to brag or anything) and the capitalists had stolen all our food. Right before I devolved into a cannibalistic panic, I got a brilliant idea. The Food Co-Op was right around the corner from our room. We could grow the food there! I conscripted the club body into coerced agricultural service. I ordered them to march down the hall to begin reaping crops for the glorious club. I got a peep of dissent from Propaganda Administrator and Facebook Page Manager Jessie. She said that she was “an electrical engineering major” who “had no idea how to grow food.” I told her that she better get to the Co-Op or I’ll release juicy blackmail about her. You see, last month I caught Jessie playing XBOX and I’d tell all her online communist friends how much she loves her private market entertainment. In true Bolshevik fashion, we stormed the Co-Op and wrenched it free from the industrialists at the Roots Cafe. Jessie then locked the door
so that they couldn’t get back in after we pushed them out. So far the results of the agricultural revolution have been stellar. I have instituted 5 Week Plans with strict crop requirements. Yesterday, General Secretary Amanda presented me with a delicious full fruit platter. I thought that was kinda funny since we only planted wheat so far. My nasty roommates say that Amanda probably just got the fruit at C4 and is pretending, but I bet it’s just the miracle of workers’ labor. Admittedly, we have been unable to manufacture an entire pizza per our original goal. This failure is not ours. The original owners of the Food Co-Op have instituted a trade embargo with us. They won’t give us any tomato seeds because we “broke all of their stuff when we charged into the greenhouse.” Those bourgeois are simply afraid to see what we can accomplish at our full potential. Still, besides those blips, Binghamton College Communists is without a doubt the best example of a socialist success story. I’ve had a good run as Commissar of the club for the past eight years, but it may be time to move on. Mommy says that I have to finish my degree this year or she’ll end my weekly wealth distributions. She says that 26 is too old to still be an undergrad, but she doesn’t understand the timelessness of the revolution. I’d give her a call to change her mind but the phone she bought for me is made by Apple. Did you know that Apple made profit last year? I’d never touch such an exploitative product! Anyway, I’ll keep chugging along with the food commune. I will only stop when I’ve achieved post-scarcity final form socialism! Or until UPD figures out how to bust down the Food Co-Op door and kicks us out. Either way, the revolution will live on!
WE SHOULD ALL BE TRANS-RACIALISTS
We Should All Be Trans-Racialists By Nkechi Amare Diallo
y name is Rachel Dolezal and this is my coming out story. I was the president of the NAACP chapter in Spokane, Washington from 2014 to 2015, until I had to resign over accusations that I was not in fact African American as I had previously claimed. I was discriminated against for my identity as a trans-racial African American woman. I was born a white woman named Rachel Dolezal to two completely white parents, but when I got older I decided that I wanted to identify as black. I always knew I was black; it was as early as age five, when instead of using the peach crayon, I was using the brown crayon for my skin color in self-portraits, and instead of drawing straight blond hair, I gave myself black curly hair.1 Since then I have been going to tanning salons to darken my skin and hair salons to maintain my afro perm, so that I can officially become a black woman. It doesn’t matter that I sued Howard University in 2002 for discriminating against me for being white when I was applying for scholarships and taking my artwork down to favor African American students.2 Discrimination is discrimination regardless of who it happens to. I have been discriminated against as a white woman, as a trans-racial wom-
an, and as a black woman. And if you don’t recognize my racial identity or if you assume my race, you are not only extremely bigoted and sexist because I’m a woman, but you are also racist because I now identify as a black woman. I have been defended by countless celebrities, and you know they’re right because all celebrities are completely knowledgeable about social and political issues affecting average Americans from their Hollywood bubble. My defenders include D.L. Hughley, Melissa Harris-Perry, Whoopi Goldberg, Raven Symone, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, Keri Hilson, Cher, and Rihanna!3 And you have to listen to them because you listened to them during the entirety of the election and respected their meltdowns afterwards. It’s been said that transgenderism is the new black.4 Well I’m here to tell you that transracialism is literally the new black in the form of me. The bigoted Republicans in the White House are trying to making it illegal for trans-people to use the restroom, even though you’ve probably used a public restroom with a trans person and didn’t even know it. Well you’ve probably also interacted with a trans-racial person and didn’t even know it. We all know and love Elizabeth Warren, who #NotMyPresident Donald Trump mi-
croaggressed towards by referring to her as “Pocahontas”. This is extremely offensive to the Native Americans that Elizabeth Warren chooses to identify with, because Trump is trying to insinuate that just because Elizabeth Warren has no biological relations with Native Americans, that somehow she’s not just as Native American !?!?!! What a literal Nazi! Elizabeth Warren is just like me, born white, but she chose to identify as Native American to get a teaching job at Harvard Law School.5 Because she passes as white, Elizabeth Warren’s trans-racialism has been accepted by the American people. She still has white privilege. But because I chose to identify as a black woman, I experience oppression so much that I had to make up hate crimes to prove my point.6 I have been treated terribly by society. I was fired from my position at the NAACP and I’m now on the verge of homelessness because no place besides porn or reality TV will hire me.7 I represent the marginalization of women of color in society, and the higher expectations for us in comparison to white presenting women. Another trans-racial activist whom you’ve certainly heard of is Black Lives Matter spokesman Shaun King. Like me, Shaun King was born to completely white parents, but decided to identify as black.8 There is a rampant sense of shame amongst the transracial community for being transracial. Shaun is the perfect example of this. Instead of acknowledging that he was the child of two white parents as indicated by his birth certificate, he threw his own mother under the bus by saying she had an affair with a lightskinned black man, when there is no evidence of this.9 We need to end this stigma and stop shaming transracial people like Shaun King so that he too can embrace his identity. Just like in the real world, in the trans-racial community, some are more privileged or oppressed than others. Because Shaun is a male, he has male privilege and benefits from the patriarchy. Shaun
Vol I, Issue I
and I have the exact same record: we both lied about our biological race to gain scholarships and entry into historically black colleges, taking the opportunity away from biologically black children who could have benefitted from them instead,10 we both faked a myriad of hate crimes in order to gain some street cred,11 and we both continue to change our appearance to look as black as possible. I go tanning, Shaun darkens his photos and keeps his hair shaved. Yet, Shaun now has a job with the online progressive news site, The Young Turks.12 TYT’s Cenk Uygur was ecstatic about hiring him, yet had no problem condemning me for lying about my race to get into college and faking hate crimes, even though we both did the same thing.13 So while I write this in hopes of paying my electricity bill, Shaun King benefits from the patriarchy by continuing to racebait to Americans by using his male privilege. THIS is the wage gap people. Shaun and I have the exact same resume, except he made thousands of dollars by pretending to raise money for victims of the Haitian earthquake and pocketing the funds,14 while I am still unemployed. The next step for me is to change my name to a more African sounding
WE SHOULD ALL BE TRANS-RACIALISTS
name, so I’ve chosen the name Nkechi Amare Diallo.15 I demand you respect my pronouns and identity as a black woman, and address me by my new African name. I will no longer be responding to “Rachel Dolezal” because that name is a product of white Christian supremacy. I also demand that Cenk Uygur from the Young Turks hire me or else they are sexist, because they hired Shaun King, and as I mentioned we both have the same resume. With that being said, I hope you will support my trans-racial identity, because you’ve clearly supported the trans-racial delusions identities of Elizabeth Warren and Shaun King. You’ve listened to the intelligent social and political analyses of Hollywood celebrities, who also support me so by default you now have to support me. I encourage you to speak out on behalf of the millions of trans-racial people in the world who are marginalized by bigotry, racism, sexism, and Nazism, and open your hearts and your minds on this issue. Trans-racial people are (minority) people too. 1. http://www.today.com/news/rachel-dolezalspeaks-today-show-matt-lauer-after-naacpresignation-t26371 2. http://time.com/3921964/rachel-dolezal-howard-university/
3. https://bossip.com/1155739/thelist-8-celebrities-who-are-defending-racheldolezal/ 3. https://www.nytimes.com/2015/10/07/fashion/rihanna-defended-rachel-dolezal-thewhite-woman-who-claimed-to-be-black.html 4. http://www.thenewcivilrightsmovement.com/ tags/transgender 5. http://www.dailywire.com/news/7003/hereseverything-you-need-know-about-elizabethaaron-bandler# 6. http://www.krem.com/news/local/spokane-county/spd-suspends-all-cases-involving-rachel-dolezal/124154306 7. https://www.usnews.com/news/us/articles/2017-02-27/former-naacp-leader-racheldolezal-says-she-cant-find-job 8. http://www.mediaite.com/tv/family-memberconfirms-to-cnn-that-blacklivesmatter-activist-shaun-king-is-white/ 9. https://blackamericaweb.com/2015/08/20/ shaun-king-provides-some-receipts-mybiological-father-is-a-light-skinned-blackman-photos/ 10. http://www.bizpacreview.com/2015/08/19/ black-activist-really-white-black-lives-matter-leader-fools-oprah-winfrey-240226 10. http://www.politico.com/story/2015/06/rachel-dolezal-sued-howard-university-119024 11. http://dailycaller.com/2015/07/21/leading-ferguson-activists-hate-crime-claim-disputed-by-police-report-detective/ 12. https://youtu.be/oZQQ0ojJcV0?t=4m30s 13. https://youtu.be/SKWeGOmn8ZY?t=54s 14. http://dailycaller.com/2015/11/16/charitiestouted-by-black-lives-matter-activist-shaunking-appear-to-have-never-existed/ 14. http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2015/12/16/where-did-all-the-moneyshaun-king-raised-for-black-lives-go.html 15. http://nypost.com/2017/03/01/racheldolezal-changes-her-name-to-west-africanmoniker/
WE NEED A UNITED STATES OF EUROPE
We Need a United States of Europe By Herman Von Müller
riends, colleagues, global citizens and Europeans alike, we live in a time of great danger and uncertainty. Our world today is filled with violence, civil wars, famine, extreme poverty, economic collapse, accelerating climate change, xenophobia, extreme racism and division all around the planet. Our world today is more dangerous and volatile than any time since the European Union (EU) was founded, and this comes, in large part, because of nation’s turning inwards towards xenophobia, nativism and hatred of ethnic and religious minorities under the guise of nationalism. The solution that I propose is one for the entire European Union, and is a model that all present day countries should follow, with the eventual dream by 2100 of global citizenship and a single world government. The model I am proposing for the future of Europe is one that has been a dream since the very founding of our European Union, and today, I hope and pray that this dream of not just mine, but of several other colleagues in Brussels, becomes a reality. I hope we follow in the words of Philip Kerr, who said, “National sovereignty is the root cause of the most crying evils of our times….The only final remedy for this
evil is the federal union of all peoples.” These words are true and correct, and much of our EU members believe in the sentiment, seeing as they are inscribed on the walls of the EU Parliament in Brussels. I propose turning the European Union into a federal superstate, and making a United States of Europe, just as our backwards and uncultured Americans do across the Atlantic. In the future United States of Europe (U.S.E.), the eventual goal is that national sovereignty is subverted to favor a single European government in Brussels with much more powers and authority than the EU has today. Ideally, Brussels will make all of the laws, determining all aspects of European economic policy, all aspects of European immigration and security policy, and social policies of the United States of Europe. National budgets, as they are today, will continue to be approved or rejected by USE bureaucrats in Brussels, but more so in the future superstate. Strict economic regulations (a fantastic thing) on everything from vacuum cleaners to toaster ovens will also continue to be decided in Brussels, but with a much more rapid pace. I call upon the European Council, a council of 28 heads of state from
Francois Hollande to my hero Angela Merkel, will need to begin drafting a proposal to implement the new European superstate. The European Council, which “defines the EU’s overall political direction and priorities”, and with that mission statement, they must begin the planning. We have already seen incredible initiatives in 2016, despite a nativist and racist result in the Britain’s EU referendum last June, for our union to launch into the future. Most notably, the accession talks with Turkey, which must be included in the U.S.E., and the development of an EU Army. The EU Army will require EU nations will cede military might to the EU, has already been put into motion. The eventual end goal of the EU Army is for national armies to dissolve completely, and for the European Army comprised of soldiers from Finland to Portugal to unite in a single European uniform to defend the continent not from invasion, but defending the European values of tolerance, openness and democracy for all. I call upon the most powerful EU institution, the European Commission, a commission of 28 unelected bureaucrats who are appointed, not elected to the role, to also set the new EU superstate into motion, with our favorite globalist, Jean Claude Juncker, leading the charge. The European Commission’s role is to propose pan European legislation, as it is important to remember that the European Parliament, which Europeans vote for once every 5 years, does not actually draft pan European legislation. This will continue in the new U.S.E., as national parliaments will be abolished. I demand the EU Commission sets the new United States of Europe into motion by pushing for these things to create a new federal superstate: • The complete dissolution of national borders of European nations, and the creation of the U.S.E., which should be reflected on maps;
Vol I, Issue I
WE NEED A UNITED STATES OF EUROPE
• National citizenship and passports are replaced by only European citizenship and passports (no such thing as a German or Italian anymore); • Force national governments to cede almost all of their authority on matters relating to the economy, cultural issues, social issues and security to Brussels; • Implementing the elimination of national banks which will be replaced solely by the already powerful European Central Bank; • The elimination of every country’s Supreme Court which will be replaced solely by the European Court of Justice in Brussels. Thankfully, the European Central Bank, which supervises our incredibly successful euro (the franc and lira are never coming back), and the European Court of Justice (ECJ) have done their job very well so far, but much more is expected from them in the new United States of Europe. In keeping with our European values of openness and tolerance for all, I propose the European Court of Justice punish the entities currently known as France, England, Spain, Italy and Germany for their past atrocities in colonizing our African, Middle Eastern and Latinx brothers and sisters on our planet. Additionally, I propose the ECJ strike down hateful immigration laws created by racist heads of state. We are and will be a federal superstate of bridges, not walls. All xenophobic immigration restrictions must be struck down by the ECJ, as our United States of Europe will be a future superstate that accepts any and all migrants from around the globe. In the new United States of Europe, it does not matter if five million migrants from Africa and the Middle East enter into the superstate in a single year, all will be welcomed into our cities and villages as our global brothers and sisters, complete with welfare and free housing near retirement homes to prove demographic replacement works! Migrants coming to the United States of Europe (not France or Germany, they won’t exist soon) will be accepted as part of
Behold: the beautiful, borderless, U.S.E the Family of Man. As tolerant Europeans, we must follow the words of Carl Sandburg, “There is only one man in the world and his name is All Men. There is only one woman in the world and her name is All Women. There is only one child in the world and the child’s name is All Children.” In conclusion, Europeans, a United States of Europe is a goal that we must embark on. This goal must occur, and there is no room for debate or failure. Resistance from nationalist and far right fascists like Le Pen and Wilders will be crushed, and openness will reign supreme. In the new EU superstate, democracy, tolerance and diversity will be superior to national pride, national patriotism and any love
of the country. The red, white and blue flags of France, the Czech Republic and Britain will become obsolete, as the sole flag of our superstate is gold and blue. We have already seen the 21st century success of the Schengen free movement zone, the euro, the European Parliament, Commission and Council. Additionally, Euronews, eurostar railways, Europcar, Euractive, Eurovision, Eurosport and pan European drivers licenses have already been successfully implemented as of 2017 and so has European Day (May 9th, don’t forget, because Bastille Day will be gone soon). So what are we waiting for? A bold new future of no nations, pan Europeanism and a new United States of Europe awaits!!!
SA SHAKEN OVER ALLEGATIONS OF RACISM
SA Shaken Over Allegations of By Silence Dogood
acial Tensions were high last Friday night as hundreds of students gathered at an emergency meeting of the Binghamton SA. The meeting was called to discuss racist remarks that were sent over text message in the aftermath of the recent contentious SA elections. The controversy began as a simple gesture and manifested itself as the ugly plague of racism. Losing VPOA (Vice President of Affairs) candidate Erin Pulca was greeted with disgusting racist rhetoric when discussing with friends what she should do in the light of her election loss. “One of the members of a groupchat I’m in told me I should go down to The Rathskeller on St. Patrick’s Day and drown out my election loss with an Irish car bomb,” said Pulca, a junior majoring in basket weaving, in a statement to the packed room. She
“Students of non-Irish descent can not possibly understand the discrimination faced by Irish-Americans, and, as a result should not bastardize Irish culture.” continued, “As a politically active Irish-American, I feared for my life. Car bombs have a problematic history for those of Irish descent. The use of such language, even if it is all in the name of good fun, is an abomination.” Pulca also took offense to the fact that the person guilty of the racist language assumed that she would be drinking on St. Patrick’s Day, noting the racist stereotype of Irish people who drink too much. Pulca applied for redress from the SA, and a quick decision was made. Although they admitted it was a breach of the democratic process, SA Congress unanimously voted to install Erin Pulca as the new VPOA, justifying their decision by saying in a brief statement, “It is our job to unfairly
raise up those who feel they have been slighted, at the expense of the candidate who deserves the position. as chosen by the people” This statement left many on campus questioning the sanity of the SA in refusing to admit the obvious truth that Pulca had gone too far, and in fact should not have feared for her life after such an innocuous statement. In a Facebook post the night after the meeting, Pulca vowed to stop BU Student’s racist celebration of St. Patrick’s Day. Pulca is the president of the group R.F.S.O.C (Restrict Free Speech on Campus), a progressive organization dedicated to making college campuses safe spaces from all forms of sarcasm and humor. She promised to use her power as president of R.F.S.O.C to combat the Irish themed celebration of March 17. “St. Patricks Day, the wearing of green clothing, leprechauns, four leaf clovers, and excessive drinking are all integral parts of authentic Irish culture, and celebration with these things is a dangerous, racist case of cultural appropriation that must be stopped,” wrote Pulca. “Students of non-Irish descent can not possibly understand the discrimination faced by Irish-Americans, and, as a result should not bastardize Irish culture.”
It is rumored that Binghamton University’s decision to schedule winter break over the same weekend that is traditionally Parade Day was a result of pressure from R.F.S.O.C. The BU administration declined to comment on the matter, as they often do for the most difficult of matters that require comment. Pulca is organizing a group of volunteers, progressive so-called, “Social Justice Warriors™ (Trademark owned by George Soros Inc.), to “call out” all those racists who choose to celebrate St. Patrick’s Day by drinking and having a good time with their friends. Anyone interested in volunteering can email Erin Pulca at firstname.lastname@example.org. “Calling out,” for those readers unfamiliar with the term, is a process by which concerned progressively-minded citizens attempt to make a mockery of anyone with ideas they disagree with. Unlike traditional, intellectual forms of discourse, “calling out” involves no debate or seeking to find the truth, only to provide arenas for speech that is safe from offense. In fact, anyone who disagrees with a “calling out” is by definition a racist, homophobic, misogynist. The Binghamton Adieu reached out to several students for opinions on these events. Graduating BU Senior Hillary Sanger fondly remembers her previous St. Patrick’s Day celebrations at BU,” We used to have so much fun going downtown and getting fucked up. All I want is one more epic celebration before I graduate, but thanks to hypersensitivity, there is no more fun in the world. Nobody knows how to take a joke.” “This seems like a blatant power grab for personal gain on Pulca’s part,” said BU Junior Karl Sanders. “False and frivolous accusations of racism like these delegitimatize actual claims of racism, and prevent real reconciliation in society. It’s a damn shame to me.”
Vol I, Issue I
THE CIA AND QUEEN ELIZABETH II
The CIA and Queen Elizabeth II: A Match Made in Heaven By Anonymous
ecently released WikiLeaks documents reveal that the CIA is capable of evading encryption on popular messaging apps, such as WhatsApp. Users can now sleep easy knowing the government is one step closer to ensuring privacy will become a thing of the past. What a glorious age we live in! This finding has confirmed what each citizen has been thinking, the CIA is merely looking out for the public knowing it is their right to discover every intimate detail of our lives. How else will they discover the best frat parties at Binghamton if they can’t read messages of in the know students? It seems cruel to keep such valuable information hidden. According to sources, the CIA is having quick peaks at our messages because they are working for an unlikely British figure: Queen Elizabeth II. It is believed that her majesty became a partner with the CIA at the beginning of 2017 to gather information on how obsessed Americans are over the royals; the purpose of this was to evaluate if she is still a loved figure in the States, or if US citizens have moved on from the Old Country. The CIA measured her popularity by calculating the number of times her name is mentioned in messages between users, including words associated with the royals, such as: Britain, corgis and Prince Philip. The Director of the CIA explained how delighted he was to have Queen Elizabeth as a partner, stating: “It is an honour to have such an influential and powerful monarch investing her efforts to ensure we discover what every American is thinking 24/7.” “When Elizabeth proposed this partnership it presented us with an ideal opportunity, as the CIA knows the UK is a country that takes a keen interest in spying on its citizens. In
an age where people are increasingly aware of the government’s hacking capabilities, we are pleased to see there are leading figures in the world who can comprehend the importance of keeping an eye on the population.” The agreed partnership between the CIA and Elizabeth II will allow America the privilege of working with the Secret Intelligence Service (MI6). The two mighty forces aim to ensure the safety of both nations by scanning messages to uncover criminals boasting to their friends on WhatsApp of their recent triumphs. Once the users are located and swiftly detained via the GPS signal in the phone, they are sent to Antarctica to live out their remaining days in solitude with no chance of escaping. The monarch explained the logic behind this punishment, commenting: “These scallywags have to be caught that crime does not go unpunished. I am thrilled to report that since January America and Britain have collectively deported two million criminals, proving that our zero-tolerance policy is having the desired outcome we projected. What a marvellous relationship the UK and USA has to demonstrate to the world!” In a recent study conducted by the CIA, they concluded that the royals’ popularity increased by 44 percent post-Brexit. More WhatsApp users
in American have referred to Britain in conversations because they are impressed with the Queen’s positive views on Britain leaving the European Union. She has reportedly commented that the referendum promises “a new dawn for a truly independent UK – and may even be the saviour of the Commonwealth”. A surprisingly high 50 percent of US citizens have said in WhatsApp conversations that they would prefer Queen Elizabeth reigning over the nation in lieu of Donald J. Trump. Their main complaint about the new president was regarding his unsightly hairstyle, with many believing the bleach blonde look is a wig. In contrast, Elizabeth is praised for growing old gracefully by resisting the temptation to reach for the hair dye. Instead she sports her grey locks with pride, she is an inspiration to all women. In an interview with the New York Times, the Queen was excited to comment on her partnership with the CIA. “It is exciting to be part of this organisation and I look forward to discovering more regarding my popularity within America. I am in the middle of planning a grand tour from New York to Los Angeles and will use the sophisticated spyware to view messages of locals about the best places in town to visit. One hopes that I will find valuable information, such as the best bars in each state. I do love a small glass of chardonnay occasionally.” It has been proposed by her majesty that the CIA should use their spyware to measure her popularity across the globe. If the CIA can gather enough supporting evidence of her admiration the Queen will allegedly reinstate the British Empire. Elizabeth proposed this action would “bring back the glory days for Britain”, concluding that we must “go forth and conquer”.
ONLY GOING SO FAR
Only Going So Far
By Payton MacAllister (They/Them)
consider myself and my friends pretty tolerant people. You’ll see at least one person from every walk of life in our friend group, which definitely helps each of us learn to empathize with anybody we meet. Because we’re also very involved in social and political issues, we’re always willing to give information to anyone that’s curious about our beliefs. We always look to bring more people into our fold, because we stand for positivity and inclusion, and doesn’t everyone deserve to feel that? However, obviously the line has to be drawn somewhere. There are people out there that should never feel those feelings. Maybe they’re just incapable of comprehending what this positivity can mean to the oppressed and the outcast. Ignorance as an excuse, however, only gets a person so far, especially when so much hate and divisiveness can come from that person or their group. Sometimes it goes beyond hate; the targets of their hate aren’t merely emotionally hurt, but fear for their lives and their well-being. My favorite Game of Thrones character Tyrion Lannister once said, “Never forget what you are, for the rest of the world will not. Wear it like armor and it can never be used to hurt you.” So many right-wing bigots have ridiculed me and my progressive friends with labels like “snowflake” and “social justice warrior/SJW”. Boy, do they have something coming. If we’re snowflakes, get ready for a bliz-
zard to rival the mid-March one we had. If we’re warriors, get ready for an escalation of the culture war. Because what most people don’t realize is that this really IS war. Despite all the progress made reshaping America to catch up to our comrades in Europe, and all that has been done for marginalized groups in this country, there is still (and maybe always has been - scary!) an undercurrent of all the filthy and toxic elements of our society. Namely, these people, led and encouraged by the GOP, are bigots in the truest sense of the word. The ideas they hold and the changes they propose to our society aren’t just a “difference of opinion;” they’re dangerous. Allowing discrimination by businesses to gay people or refusing to provide free contraception for employees is a direct threat to the livelihoods of real people. A wall on our border with Mexico is not only impractical (Adam Conover says that most illegal immigration is done on airplanes), it’s a human rights violation. This xenophobia by some of our most highly respected politicians is downright dangerous for people who have the desire to come here to make themselves better. It is cruel and unusual, something forbidden by our Bill of Rights, to be denied the opportunity to freely come to America. I’ve tried keeping my tone cool until now, but how can someone stay cool when people’s lives are on the line? How can there be time for discussion and “reaching across the aisle” when the other side has no intention of compromising or backing down from their intolerance and oppression? So, naturally, the only thing to do is to accept our new reality and adapt accordingly. Wake up, people. Republicans, anti-Semites, conservatives, the altright, libertarians, fascists, nationalists, Islamophobes, and white supremacists have no desire to ever give us a proper chance at explaining ourselves. They can claim to be a listening ear but
every time I see a fellow SJW go to a Milo event or a Ben Shapiro talk and ask a question (in the name of “reaching across the aisle,” mind you), they are met with nothing but ridicule and condescension. Fine. If we won’t be listened to and bargained with, total cultural war is the only option, at all societal levels. Send encouragement and support to your favorite celebrity being harassed by alt-right trolls. Unfriend and unfollow every racist, sexist, homophobic, xenophobic garbage person on your social media platforms, or at least every person that enables such language and action. In fact, go a step further and report this content if you see it; it doesn’t deserve to be posted. At your local level, organize petitions and protests against any right-wing speakers or events coming to campus. This is hate speech, and we cannot allow it when it is so vitally important to the right of every person to live a life safe from harassment. Maybe, just maybe, there are a select few right-wing people that are good people. However, even associating with them can be dangerous at times merely because of what their ideology means, taken to its utter extreme. Every person except the straight cisgendered white male is a threat to them and considered below human. Sure, they can try to hide behind religion (backwards culture) or nationalism (a front for racism) but it’s always a very poor cover for their systemic oppression of everyone unlike them. When a war is waged on so grand a scale there is no way to compromise. My fellow snowflakes and I seek positivity and inclusion, but there’s only so far we can go when the rights and dignity of marginalized people are at stake. We draw that line down the center of the aisle, and at the feet of every rich white Wall Street banker or GOP politician trying to drag us back down the wrong side of history and away from the glorious future we are trying to build for all of us.
Vol I, Issue I
IN FAVOR OF FOURTH-TRIMESTER ABORTIONS
In Favor of Fourth-Trimester Abortions By Sue Doe Nym
s any enlightened, civilized person knows, a woman’s right to choice with regard to her reproductive rights is the most important issue facing the United States. With the fascist, sexist, misogynistic, racist, bigoted, homophobic, transphobic, Islamophobic and arachnophobic presidency we currently face, we as college students must work harder to ensure that the rest of the country (including and especially middle America) listen to us. So with the Republican Party’s hostility against Planned Parenthood increasing, we need to double-down on reproductive health and ensure that no woman is forced to bear and raise a child she doesn’t want. It is for this reason that abortions in the “4th trimester” need to not only be allowed, but federally subsidized. As we all know, things such as a heartbeat, spinal cord, and developed organ system do not determine personhood. So why should something as superficial as passing through the birth canal be any different? The now-born fetus is still completely dependent upon the birth-giver’s care and supervision, and thus it is still her choice as to whether the baby fetus should live or die. The father, as always, should have no say in the matter. After all, since he didn’t carry the fetus around in his uterus his opinion means absolutely nothing. The same goes for that of the fetus, which can’t even comprehend its own existence. Don’t let things like it’s crying or eye-opening fool you, that thing is a vicious symbol of patriarchal oppression (how dare that thing grow inside her?!) And besides, since it isn’t even able to understand what it is (or the “pain” it’s feeling) we should have
“As Thomas Jefferson once famously said, “women shouldn’t have to pay for anything, ever.” So why not live up to such a great American, and offer fast and free abortions for everyone?” email@example.com
no moral qualms about summarily ending its life. Now, given that the United States is now a fascist dictatorship, you should expect to hear “pro-lifers” call such a practice as “murder” or some such nonsense. But these are the same people who don’t want to pay for other parents’ children, so what do they know? Unless they all personally advocate for the entire care and well-being of every child in America, they have to all unquestionably accept the right for a woman to kill terminate her baby fetus/embryo/thing whenever and however she pleases. So yes, this includes even after the initial birthing process, which, like brain-waves, is a poor metric for being a person. A woman’s choice for ending the after-pregnancy can be many, but we must never forget the rampant, unending circumstances of rape and the life of the (would be) mother. Remember to never take statistics like “Reasons U.S. Women Have Abortions: Quantitative and Qualitative Perspectives” from journals like Perspectives on Sexual and Reproductive Health, which say that less than 5% abortions happen for those reasons. Those are all flawed, patriarchal studies sponsored by Big Pharma that don’t take into account the 213% of sexual assaults that go unreported. And don’t ask me to cite that number, because that would be sexist (if you’re a man, that is). But, as always, the decision must always be at the whim careful, considered deliberation of the non-mother, including the 30% of women who have abortions simply because they do not want to have the “responsibility” of being a mother. As for federal subsidies, the government (which is now evil and racist because of Trump) must be given increased control as to where our tax dollars go. The federal government, per the Constitution, has a vested interest in paying for other people’s health services. As Thomas Jefferson once famously said, “Women shouldn’t have to pay for anything, ever.” So why
not live up to such a great American, and offer fast and free abortions for everyone? But, as Margaret Sanger, the founder of Planned Parenthood, noted, clinics must be prioritized in low-income, urban areas. The nation’s poor, after all, are “human weeds” that require to exist “a stern and rigid policy of sterilization and segregation to that grade of population whose progeny is already tainted, or whose inheritance is such that objectionable traits may be transmitted to offspring.” It’s for this reason that strong black would-be mothers choose to abort half of their children; this brave demonstration of reproductive independence must continue to be lauded and increasingly subsidized. So as we continue to struggle and fight under Trump’s America, we must never lose sight of the accomplishments we have made, and the progress that has yet to come. Women, who make up half of our now horrible, miserable, right-wing society, need to have their rights to body and autonomy shielded from all threats made against it. This now includes the burdensome process of giving birth; it’s already such a painful, bloody process, so why make the woman go through caring for the child? Our adoption services are already overburdened, so we must embrace the compassionate and totally not eugenicist argument of killing the baby fetus before it has the chance to experience such a horrible life. So please, plan your protest today, and demand that fully subsidized fourth trimester abortions become available for this nation’s women and girls.
The NEW Binghamton Review (April Fools!)