April 2015 Binghamton Review

TRUTH AND TWO STAPLES

APRIL 2015

Binghamton Review

BINGHAMTON REVIEW Founded 1987 • APRIL 2015

Managing Editor Jordan Raitses

Layout Editor

William Schneider

Senior Editor

Daniel Milyavsky

Contributors

Stephen Ilardi, David Keptsi, Luke Kusick, Αλεξ Καρρας Yesac Roanoke, Robert Kozma

Patriarchs of the Review Louis Leonini Adam Shamah

Special Thanks To:

Intercollegiate Studies Institute Collegiate Network Binghamton Review was printed by Gary Marsden

We Provide the Truth, he Provides the Staples

EDITOR@BINGHAMTONREVIEW.COM

Contents

EDITOR-IN-CHIEF Sean M. Glendon

P.O. BOX 6000 BINGHAMTON, NY 13902-6000

Fuck You, Students for Change STUDENTS FOR THE STATUS QUO

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by Jordan Raitses

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Buffalo Soldier by Stephen Ilardi

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Deregulation Without Being a Corporate Whore by David Keptsi

9

Students for Speech Codes by Luke Kusick

10 Students for Change is Wrong About Minority Quotas by Αλεξ Καρρας 12 $47,000 Alphabet Soup by Yesac Roanoke 13 America! Fuck Yeah? by Robert Kozma 14 Rand Paul’s Flip Flop by Luke Kusick

Departments 3

EDITORIAL

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CAMPUS PRESSWATCH

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WHAT YOU MISSED

TELL US WHAT YOU THINK! Direct letter to editor@binghamtonreview.com 2

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April 2015

EDITORIAL

From the Editor

Hello Readers, I’m super excited about this issue, and you should be too. This double issue that features our normal Binghamton Review content, but is also introducing Binghamton Preview - an issue that we’ve written in the future! This Preview takes place in April 2017, and is something that I would love to see become an annual April Fool’s tradition here at The Review. Writing for The Preview was a very different experience, and was something that was lots of fun to create! I sincerely hope you enjoy reading it as much as we enjoyed creating it.

We’ve finally got some warm weather, and Spring Fling is approaching! Of course, I got my hopes up anticipating that the SA would get acts of any relevance, and of course, I was disappointed. Of course, I will attend and enjoy myself, but I don’t anticipate myself telling anybody about “that time I saw Sage The Gemini, The White Panda and Bad Rabbits” anytime soon. This recurring problem comes down to simple economics: Spring Fling falls during a time where other schools are looking for performers and festivals book artists by the boatload. This shifts the supply curve of artists that anybody cares about to the left, and drives up their price. We’ve been outbid for anybody exciting, and that in part has to do with the need for eased spending after the accumulation of a large deficit. This deficit’s existence is something that

many students have played no role in, yet they are being offered the poor man’s version of Flo Rida for the spring concert they look forward to all year.

Nothing like having to deal with the consequences of a huge deficit that you aren’t responsible for! If only there was a suitable political metaphor to go here… On a more serious note, I’d like to give a big thank you to Pipe Dream and James Sereno for their article about Binghamton Review and the Libertarian message. As much as we enjoy shitting on Pipe Dream in our Press Watch section, they do provide a great service to students and keep the student body informed about campus issues.

It is essential for all of the campus publications to work together to ensure that the school’s population is educated and introduced to a variety of views to the best of our abilities. With that being said, it is our job to point out ridiculous opinions and mistakes that we encounter in the other publications - that isn’t stopping anytime soon.

Sean M. Glendon

Our Mission Binghamton Review is a non-partisan, student-run periodical of conservative thought at Binghamton University. A true liberal arts education expands a student’s horizons and opens one’s mind to a vast array of divergent perspectives. In that spirit, we seek to promote the free exchange of ideas and offer an alternative viewpoint not normally found on our predominately liberal campus. It is our duty to expose the warped ideology of political correctness that dominates this university. We stand against tyranny in all its forms, both on campus and beyond. We believe in the principles set forth in this country’s Declaration of Independence and seek to preserve the fundamental tenets of Western civilization. Finally, we understand that a moral order is a necessary component of any civilized society. We strive to inform, engage, and perhaps even amuse our readers in carrying out this mission.

editor@binghamtonreview.com

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CPampus resswatch Campus Presswatch is the section where we show you the stupidity of our fellow Campus “Publications.” Unfortunately, we don’t have enough space to reprint all of Students for Change’s publication, Nzinga (What does that even mean?), so we’ll make do with Pipe Dream’s ridiculous editorial.

As usual, our comments are shown in bold.

“Editorial: Change for Students” Pipe Dream Students for Change is making demands that deserve to be heard. Hiring more minorities as faculty, accepting more minority students, making bathrooms inclusive and requiring cultural competency courses for students are all valid suggestions and should be seriously considered by anyone who wishes to cultivate a diverse, progressive campus environment.

Do these demands REALLY deserve to be heard, or are they just a disgraceful example of a lack of rational thought? I’d opt for the latter. Why should race be a consideration at all when hiring professors? That’s racist! What does it mean to make bathrooms more “inclusive?” Bathrooms need to include toilets, sinks, and 4

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Written by our Staff

mirrors. Aside from that, no more inclusivity is needed.

Finally, why on Earth is requiring cultural competency courses a valid suggestion? Is that going to help the unemployment rate? Are students unable to find work after college because they aren’t “competent” in “culture?” C’mon!

Let’s think for a moment!

If Students for Change continues to employ alienating tactics, administrators will not listen. These students have every right to protest, to shout and to disrupt.

True enough, but notice the irony. Students for Change wants free speech rights for itself, while seeking to ban Yik Yak and have racist speech be prosecuted through the University judicial system.

Hence, they believe they have special rights and privileges that students of a different ideological bent do not have.

Sounds a lot like Jim Crow, actually!

That said, we understand why Students for Change grows more agitated with every encounter.

We sure don’t! They’re getting their tyrannical and bigoted message out there! What do they have to be agitated about?

There is real work to be done here. It’s time to turn down the noise so that we can all hear each other.

Is there real work to be done here? What exactly is the problem? Where are these incidents of racism that require such a heavy-handed response? Nobody can tell us!

April 2015

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WHAT YOU MISSED Angie’s List cancelled a $40 million expansion in Indiana after the passage of the Religious Freedom Restoration Act which protected business’ right not to serve people on religious grounds.

Texas Senator Ted Cruz became the first 2016 Presidential Candidate to announce his campaign. We pray that better candidates surface soon.

The hearts of all teenage girls around the world were simultaneously broken as Zayn Malik left One Direction.

A german plane carrying 150 passengers was intentionally brought down by co-pilot Andreas Lubitz. There were no survivors in this tragedy.

H.J. Heinz Company and Kraft Foods Group are set to merge, creating what could become known as the most American food conglomerate in existence.

DEA agents had sex parties with prostitutes. A big thanks to the drug cartels for providing this fun!

RadioShack put its customers’ editor@binghamtonreview.com

information up for sale as part of its bankruptcy auction.

in the March 17th Israeli elections.

After a video showing University of Oklahoma SAE members performing a racist chant surfaced, students were expelled and the chapter was dechartered. The National Fraternity confirmed that this chant was likely learned at a national Leadership conference about four years ago.

TEDx came to campus and our own Jack Fischer gave an excellent talk. He made Binghamton University proud.

Rapper Kendrick Lamar released his sophomore album, To Pimp a Butterfly, which has received near universal critical acclaim.

The Ellen Pao v. Kleiner Perkins Caulfield Byers case came to a close with a verdict in favor of Kleiner. The decision means that gender was not a motivating factor in the firm’s decision to not promote Pao, and to later fire her. This case was followed closely as Silicon Valley looked to see how a discrimination case involving the “boys club” would be handled.

Utah brought back the firing squad as an alternative method of execution when lethal injection drugs are not available.

Hillary Clinton deleted emails from her private server that she says are private in nature.

Lindsey Graham said that he has never sent an email and that if he was president, he would deploy the military against Congress.

Benjamin Netanyahu and the Likud party claimed victory

Someone made an anime version of a space battle in the Star Wars universe. It’s pretty cool.

Earth Hour was commemorated with the shutting off of lights everywhere around the globe. Still, no one really cares about the environment.

Amazon Prime Now was expanded to include Dallas, which joins New York City, Baltimore, and Miami as locations where one hour delivery is available. It’s only a matter of time Amazon destroys ALL brick and mortar competition!

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BUFFALO SOLDIER

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Buffalo Soldier Written By Stephen Ilardi I’d hope by now that everyone is aware of the truth behind weed in the U.S. Not only is it illegal, but it’s also classified as a Schedule I drug within the Controlled Substances Act (alongside heroin, LSD, and mescaline). This essentially means that the government perceives marijuana as having no accepted medicinal value for any type of treatment for any disease or illness… which is complete bullshit.

While there are some more recent studies that have found that weed could cause memory impairment after long-term daily use from teen years on, the fact that its highly researched and proven medicinal values are still being overlooked is ridiculous. Public opinion in support of legalizing marijuana has recently become the majority over opinions against legalization, but recreational use is still illegal in almost all U.S. states. This is despite the huge lack of evidence necessary to claim that it’s seriously harming people, while legal tobacco and alcohol use continue to kill around half a million Americans each year.

Senators Rand Paul (R - KY), Kristen Gillibrand (D - NY), and Cory Booker (D - NJ) recently introduced a bill that would permit the use of medical marijuana at the federal level. While the bill wouldn’t permit recreational use, it’s definitely a step in the right direction especially considering that the only real progress towards legalization has come at the state level in Colorado, Washington, Oregon, and Alaska where laws allowing recreational use have been passed. Any level of federal legalization of marijuana would be a big win for proponents of legalization since medically and recreationally 6

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legal states have had marijuana dispensaries raided by the federal government under the rationalization that marijuana was still federally illegal.

The illegality of such a relatively harmless drug pisses me off to no end, but what’s worse is how many taxpayer dollars - literally billions are being wasted on funding marijuana arrests. Most of these arrests, which are also incredibly racially biased, aren’t targeting high-level drug dealers but are targeting those who are buying weed for recreational use with no intent to sell. In addition to our country’s ludicrous approach for dealing with marijuana arrests, around fifty percent of all drug arrests made in the U.S. are for marijuana. What the fuck?

In Colorado, where marijuana has been recreationally legal at the state level for a little over a year, there have been thousands of jobs creat-

“The illegality of such a relatively harmless drug pisses me off to no end” ed, lower crime rates, and over $70 million collected in tax revenue because of the legalization. I think it’s pretty clear to the majority of people living in the U.S. that federally legalizing marijuana would help out our country’s economy and lower crime rates in a very similar fashion to that of Colorado, but, most importantly, everyone would be able to enjoy a little green without having to worry!

After observing Colorado as a laboratory of democracy, it has

become apparent that federally legalizing marijuana would help out our national economy while simultaneously decreasing crime rates.

And of course, everyone would have the right to enjoy some bud as they desire!

Of course weed isn’t completely harmless and chronic abusers could potentially have negative side effects after many years of smoking, but seriously, alcohol? Tobacco?

C’mon. The passing of the federal medical bill will do wonders for the legalization movement, and we should definitely see more states becoming medically and recreationally legal in the next year or so. Let’s just hope our federal government opens their eyes a little more and delivers what the majority of people want for the future of marijuana.

April 2015

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DEREGULATION

How to Support Deregulation Without Being a Corporate Whore Written By David Keptsi

In modern times it seems the majority of people will automatically label those that support deregulation as supporters of corporate opportunism. But Id rather present them with my reality, the one in which pro-libertarian deregulatory solutions can remedy the corporate favoring policies present within the current law code.

My first example comes from an issue most college students who’ve taken a humanities class would recognize: the prison industrial complex. In the current system, privately run prisons can force prisoners to perform manual labor due to a clause in the thirteenth amendment that essentially allows involuntary servitude when it comes to people convicted of a crime. Even if you support involuntary servitude for people who committed a violent crime, around half the federal prison population is currently convicted for drug related offenses. And when it comes to removing a regulation like the federal prohibition of marijuana (where the rate of arrest for African Americans is significantly higher than Caucasians by a significant margin for the same drug related crimes) or even doing away with mandatory minimums, corporate interests will certainly not be happy.

Okay, so this is North Korea--but you get my point Next comes a subject likely known by whatever vegans are conservative or curious enough to pick up a copy of the Binghamton Review: the malpractices of the meat industry. As of now there is a corporate-backed gag order in several states that effectively makes it illegal for investigative journalists to get jobs in and report about the proceedings within factory farms. Removing such gag laws would not only reinforce the right to free speech, but allow the free market to fix meat industry malpractice by informing the public of their unsavory acts and threatening to deprive them of a customer base unless they change their practices.

In summary, supporting a less regulated, free society doesn’t make you a spokesman for corporatocracy, in fact many laws that limit our personal freedoms are lobbied for by corporate interests and being anti-government makes a lot more sense than its usually cracked up to be. It is, ultimately, the government (and not the corporations themselves) who is at fault for listening to the corporate interests. If you want to reduce corporate cronyism in government, elect better representatives and make it so yourself.

editor@binghamtonreview.com

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STUDENTS FOR THE STATUS QUO

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Students for the Status Quo Written By Jordan Raitses I am sure that this is obvious, but we at the Binghamton Review don’t like Students for Change very much. They are a hateful and divisive group that claims to support minority rights, but they do not.

They support their own agenda which comprises white-bashing and unfairly attacking and harassing certain administrators to an unacceptable extent.

President Harvey Stenger recently attended a Students for Change event and, after approximately two hours of apologizing for the same (non)problems, he walked out early.

While that may not have been the best decision in his position, I also understand why he did it. A man can only take so much blame for a problem he did not create. They claim that the school under-hires and under-admits faculty and students of minority status, and their solution is, essentially, a system of quotas to ensure that minorities are “fairly” represented.

One easily forgets that it isn’t the school’s choice who applies to work and study here; there may be other reasons (economic, geographic, or even simple preference) why certain minorities are underrepresented.

According to Students for Change, President Stenger must personally admit more students and professors of minority status to fill the gap. But what if not enough of these minority (read: desirable) students apply and we have to pay them more, or offer more scholarship money to get them to come? This is unfairly preferential treatment.

Of course minorities face racism in this country. This is a fact that no one is contesting. But the solution to institutional racism is not—I repeat, NOT—further institutional 8

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racism. Preferential treatment for one group is aggression towards those not receiving it. One can make a fair case for saying that racism exists in the form of white people (especially white cis males, if you prefer) getting jobs more easily in the “real world”. This type of racism is termed institutional because it exists within the institution of society. But that is a misnomer; the institution is not racist, the individuals are.

The correct response to institutional racism is not artificially creating more opportunities for historically underrepresented groups; that is the elementary school response to unfairness. We must give every individual a fair shot to show everyone—the bigots, the racists, and even the racist PR managers—that all people are created equal. Forcing people to base hiring decisions on irrelevant factors only serves to create enmity and fosters ill will. This is not a post-racial society nor will it ever be if we continue along those lines.

Freedom of speech is a right that does not need to be defended; everyone supports freedom of speech—in the abstract. Most people will support freedom of speech; when someone brings forward specific cases, however, holes in that support begin to appear. It’s hard to defend someone’s right to say something when you disagree with them or when you “know they’re wrong.”

Claiming that we need to block some speech is where the problem starts. Students for Change wants to block speech that is offensive.

This doesn’t sound like a problem at first, because no one wants to offend anyone else, right? What about when some speech is borderline of-

fensive? If someone went onto the Spine and yelled racist slurs, we’d all agree that it’s a problem that he/ she should be stopped. But what about when someone is tabling and says something that you, and only you, find offensive? What about when someone is walking down the hallway and you overhear him/ her say something offensive? People shouldn’t be persecuted for their speech when it isn’t actually suggesting violence or creating danger.

Simple as that.

While on the subject of freedom, let’s talk about freedom of association and Students for Change’s response: zero tolerance anti-discrimination policies. A person’s right to association is his/her ability to decide with whom they associate; this means that if someone doesn’t want to interact with another person, he/she shouldn’t have to. If Students for Change had its way, we wouldn’t be able to discriminate in our choices—at all. In this situation, we would be unable to refuse anyone any request we grant to others because we would be discriminating against that person. To continue the elementary school analogy, they espouse the classic “don’t bring any cookies, unless you’re willing to share with the whole class.”

Students for Change cares more about shouting down the administration than creating real, lasting change. They interrupt classes and spout factual inaccuracies to rally the students behind them. We, the students who disagree with them, cannot let their pseudo-populism reign over the students’ true opinions. Together, we must stand up for what we believe in, shut down their propaganda, and show President Stenger that we stand united against them.

April 2015

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STUDENTS FOR SPEECH CODES

Students for Speech Codes Written By Luke Kusick

“We must do away with all newspapers. A revolution cannot be accomplished with freedom of the press” -Che Guevara.

The radical group Students for Change has the same mentality. Similar to Che, they have a revolution of their own that they want accomplished and that revolution is one in which no one anywhere is offended. They want a world where contradictory opinions, scary thoughts, micro-aggressions and anything that some arbitrary decider deems inappropriate are sufficient to bring the committer of such heinous thought crimes against a judiciary committee and face punishment. In order to accomplish this, the group has essentially decided that on a public university campus‘ freedom of speech is no longer necessary and that the first amendment need no longer apply.

Speech codes are placed into this radically “progressive” group’s list of demands. All twenty-five points found within their list can be attacked and scrutinized; however, the easiest point to call the students for change out on is point nine which states: “Added to the Student Code of Conduct, students caught using offensive or subjective language to an individual or group based on age, color, race, sexual orientation, gender identity, gender expression, disability, martial status, national/ethnic origin, religion, veteran status, sex (pregnancy), political affiliation or family medical or genetic information and university status should be subject to prompt and severe sanctioning for violating a University policy.” Now what does this say? This states simply that they want students who use language that anyone editor@binghamtonreview.com

could subjectively find offensive should be brought up on a student tribunal for immediate sanctioning by the University. The specific sanctions that they want to be brought upon the students are not clear, but the amount of words or sayings that can be counted in the students for change’s demand is countless. They literally included so many types of sayings, words and phrases within their demand that almost anything any student says can be considered a violation. Not only will this needlessly drag innocent people before the school tribunal, but it also limits the speech of everyone.

Their demand is a speech code for words that normally would not incite violence, be considered threatening, or count as harassment. The student conduct code already has rules against such actions, so what this group wants is to ban speech that they simply do not agree with. Not only do they want a thought police to sanction what we say and how we say it, the rules seem to want to protect the emotions and feelings of people on campus. It is a new trend to see university students becoming more and more sensitive to anything and college campus’s going to extreme methods to “protect” their emotions. This group is willing to go as far as banning freedom of speech in order to get what they want. Hopefully, fellow students will remember that they have a right to the first amendment, a right to free speech and not live in fear that what they say will be brought up by some thought police tribunal who will prosecute them for simply speaking.

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MINORITY QUOTAS

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Why SFC Is Wrong About Minority Quotas

Written By Αλεξ Καρρας As many of you probably know, the issue of race and discrimination has made waves across this country and the university. In the aftermath of the Eric Garden and Michael Brown incidents, various civil rights’ advocates have pushed their ideologies unto the public with the hopes for changing things as they see fit. Among these groups is Binghamton’s own “Students for Change”, or SfC for short; you may know these people for their vocal “Black Lives Matter” protests and their spontaneous, unscheduled, and incredibly disruptive interruptions of classes and lectures. Recently, this group has issued a list of “demands” for this school in order to address the apparent lack of

minorities in both the faculty and student body; if they had their way, anyone with darker skin would be given preferential treatment for both work and admission, regardless of their credentials. This blatant call for more aggressive Affirmative Action is not only baseless and misinformed, but incredibly counter-productive.

Affirmative Action, in essence, is the system in which minorities (specifically African Americans) are given preferential treatment for jobs, internships, and school admissions. The reasoning behind this stems from the apparent lack of economic, social, and academic opportunities for these people, who

Statistics without meaning. Note the completely incorrect statistic for the percentage of black/Hispanic (the real percentage is ~35%, see the census information included) 10

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are statistically more impoverished and uneducated. Now, this idea of promoting equality and fairness has its heart in the right place, but it goes in a wholly unproductive direction. In fact, not only is Affirmative Action counterproductive, but it is unashamedly racist against the very people it claims to support and defend: it supports and perpetuates the notion that African Americans are somehow inferior to Caucasians. Why else would they give preferential treatment solely due to the color of someone’s skin?

Essentially, this system purports the idea that these Africans Americans wouldn’t be able to make it on their own; in order for them to have a fighting chance, the standards would have to be lowered.

Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. once famously said, “I have a dream that my four children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character.” This beautiful and eloquent call for fairness and equally entirely applies to this issue: judge someone’s worth based on their merits and credentials, not because their skin is a certain color. While these problems of equal opportunity persist within this country, Affirmative Action is not the answer. Forcefully imposing minority quotas will not fix anything, but merely perpetuate this cycle of lower standards and expectations.

The Students for Change has wholeheartedly supported the system of Affirmative Actions, despite the fact that contradicts their entire narrative of supporting freedom April 2015

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MINORITY QUOTAS

and equality. Their “demand” is nothing more than the call for more diversity quotas: having minorities for the sake of having minorities. Their argument, however, stems from what they see as organized prejudice within this university.

In their own words, they believe that minorities are “systematically barred from opportunities” here at Binghamton. This is no small claim; to allege that a public university in the North-East is consciously prejudiced against minorities is a very, very serious accusation. And, as they say, extraordinary accusations require extraordinary evidence, which is something this organization conspicuously lacks.

Besides their incredibly intellectual and enlightening YikYak posts, the only support this group can conjure are the apparent under-representations of blacks and Latinos within the faculty, staff, and student body. These numbers, by themselves, don’t really mean much of anything. The various percentages and integers they give don’t provide any sort of narrative or explanation. The apparent lack of black faculty members could be explained by a whole range of plausible phenomenon (such as the demographics of those who applied), but instead this group immediately jumps and shouts “RACISM!” despite having no absolutely nothing to support this. Well, not only is their claim utterly baseless, but factually incorrect as well. For example, they claim that over half of this state is either black or Hispanic (they place the number at 54%), when, according to the U.S. census, it is actually around 33.5% In fact, this university is nearly identical in terms of racial demographics to the state of New York (see figure); the only discrepancy is the number of Asian students, which is easily explained by the foreign students from China, Korea, and Japan. As an unconscious result, the number of black and Hispanic

students was reduced.

So from where does Students for Change get this idea of institutionalized racism? Where is the evidence, beyond a reasonable doubt, that this entire university needs to be revamped? All this student group has done is postured; they make incredibly assertions, but do next to nothing to back them up with solid proof; I’m sorry Students for Change, Yik-Yaks and catchy hashtags aren’t enough to support your claims. If the student body wishes to address the issue of race, we can’t resort to such sensationalist and alarmist rhetoric. Strengthening the already faulty system of Affirmative Action will do absolutely nothing to address the problems at hand. If the SfC wants to help and support minorities within the university and state, they cannot do it by lowering hiring standards and increasing bureaucratic oversight.

US Census for the University and the State; note the higher percentage of Asians, which takes directly from the black and Hispanic percentages. editor@binghamtonreview.com

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$47,000 ALPHABET SOUP

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$47,000 Alphabet Soup Written By Yesac Roanoke

For $2.59, you can buy Campbell’s Healthy Chicken Alphabet Soup. At 18,000 times that cost, you can get Binghamton’s varietal, with half the letters.

A, W/O/C/J, F, G, H, L, M, B/Y/S, P, N As much as they enjoy arranging bwomhclapghjysn in their educational soup bowls, students must understand the true costs of these letters.

Four years at Binghamton University cost $200,000. I understand the checks we write total to about $20,000 a year, but that price only considers the accounting cost.

sive General Education Curriculum mandates a broad and varied experience for every Binghamton student. The curriculum is rigid; GenEds are here to stay. I’ve exposed my belly to bwomhclapghjysn. In fact, I’ve thoroughly enjoyed most of my GenEd experiences. But, please, please, don’t add any more letters to this soup, the student body is full, seriously, put that ladle down, now.

1) There should be a mandatory cultural competency course as a General Education requirement for all Binghamton University students in order to be eligible for graduation.

-Updated Student Demands, Students for Change, 3/16/2015 Oh… no.

Lost wages is the largest cost of attending university. Every instant we spend in class or on campus, we could be earning money at a job back home. The estimated lost wages for a New York State university student is $27,195.

I learned about lost wages in my introductory economics classes, which cost me $12,500.

A new, mandatory GenEd directly balloons tuition. Another four-credit class immediately bumps college costs up another $6,250. With undergraduate enrollment at 13,000, the demand inflicts an economic cost of $81,250,000 upon the student body. That’s just the dollar amount. Tack on emotional burden, the stress of another course, delayed graduations, and scheduling struggles to boot and the demand becomes very hard to justify. In fact, it’s near impossible to support. A cultural competency GenEd already exists.

“Pluralism courses consider three or more cultural groups in the United States – African Americans, Asian Americans, European Americans, Latino Americans, and Native Americans” -Binghamton Comprehensive GenEd Curriculum To continue the soup metaphor, I don’t think the student body wants a second helping.

With a benchmark cost per credit hour, we can easily calculate the true dollar value price of any class in Binghamton.

For example, these nifty tables are courtesy of CQS 311, a $6,250 bargain! Let’s revisit the general education requirements costs. On average, Binghamton students enroll in seven four-credit GenEds (foreign language is mostly fulfilled upon entering) and one two-credit GenEd (health and wellness). Using the cost per credit multiplier, we find that the total economic costs for GenEds are $47,000—about equal to one year’s starting salary for a college graduate.

GenEds are expensive and many argue that their price far outweighs their benefits. The existing alphabet here in Binghamton isn’t going out anytime soon. The comprehen12

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Well-intentioned demands aren’t necessarily good ones. A second cultural competency GenEd letter (D for diversity? X for xenophobia?) would positively affect the student body. Unfortunately, the tremendous costs (remember, $81,250,000) absolutely dwarf any societal gain. The demanded course’s benefit is further belittled by its redundancy. The pluralism courses already handle cultural competency. The imbalance probably goes for most of the GenEd letters anyway. But those already exist; they’re mandated by the curriculum we accepted when we chose Binghamton as our school. Please, please, do not add another letter. We need to graduate on time to start earning back that $200,000 we’ve spent in the first place.

April 2015

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AMERICA! FUCK YEAH?

America! Fuck Yeah?

Written By Robert Kozma The education system of the United States consistently ranks in the lower portion of education systems in the modern developed world.

Places like China, Japan, Scandinavia, Western Europe, Australia and Canada continuously boast well-rounded educational platforms that produce students who excel on the international scale in a multitude of categories. The United States, a world power and financial giant of the globe, seemingly inexplicably cannot compete educationally with other countries that are far from achieving the power that our great country exudes on the world. Is it our size? Is it our lack of educational funding? Is it the incompetency of teachers and a failure to focus on what is important? It is most likely a combination of many things, but for sure there is one certainty: Our education system fails to impress because some people are so fucking stupid.

Oklahoma has recently decided to ban the AP US History Exam and, consequently, the teaching of its material to students who attend Oklahoma schools. Yes, this is the class that we all took in high school.

This class did not necessarily boast the greatest curriculum; however, it is crucial for people of all ages to understand and explore the history of the world, especially the history of the country in which they live.

History classes, in general, aim to educate on the past and provide insight on how to move forward as a society and as individuals. “Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it�, a famous quote that illustrates the importance of accurate historical education. History offers guidance and advice to future generations editor@binghamtonreview.com

and paves the way for change and progress.

Oklahoma has decided to ban AP US History because it does not promote American exceptionalism and teaches what America has done wrong. Apparently, they believe students should not know what America has done wrong, because that would be bad. What could be worse than generations of students growing up knowing the truth about history and having a mind of their own? I am disgusted and ashamed that this is actually a reality. There is plenty wrong with America, but I believe that this represents the absolute worst this country has to offer. The ignorance that rages throughout the minds of the bigoted, stubborn and delusional is a disease that needs to be cured.

America dropped nuclear weapons on Japan that killed hundreds of thousands of innocent civilians and ruined generations of lives.

This is wrong. Oklahoma believes

History is not about teaching patriotic exceptionalism, it about providing facts that stimulate growth and individual interpretation. that students should be taught that this was perfectly fine, because we are America and can do no wrong.

History is not about teaching patriotic exceptionalism, it about providing facts that stimulate growth and individual interpretation.

Apparently it is a problem that AP US History informs students that there are in fact other religions besides Christianity. I was unaware that the lord and our savior Jesus

Christ prohibited the spread of factual knowledge and promoted brainwashing. This shit falls into the same category as the endless attempts to remove evolutionary theory from science courses to replace it with creationism. Not to get all religious on you, but this crap. The truth, no matter how concerning or displeasing, deserves to heard.

Creating a false sense of reality and breeding generations of mindless sheep is not the answer to our problems as a society, and we are doomed as race if people continue to believe that comforting information is the best information.

As it is, our education provides us with little to no real world experience, culture or intellectual stimulation. Do we really want an entire country to become the laughing stock of the world? I hope not.

Please people, get your shit together and have some sense. Americans deserve better than this, and I send my sincere apologies to those students in Oklahoma who are being treated like malleable human molds. You should be appalled that people approved of this ban on knowledge. Pretty soon some extremist Bible belt educational board will ban AP Biology because it doesn’t state that the Earth is 6,000 years old. Religion, pride and personal beliefs do not belong in education or government.

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RAND PAUL’S FLIP FLOP

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Rand Paul’s Flip Flop Written By Luke Kusick

Not even a month ago, amidst cheers for “President Paul” Rand Paul stated during his speech at CPAC “at home, conservatives understand that the government is the problem, not the solution. But as conservatives, we should not succumb to the notion that a government inept at home will somehow become successful abroad.

That a government that can’t even deliver the mail will somehow be able to create nations abroad.” Even in the company of war hawks and interventionists, Rand Paul’s message seemed clear; government involvement in foreign countries in the form of nation building not only ultimately fails but also is illogical. He made a great point, how people who realize that the government cannot run the post office can somehow believe that that same government is somehow capable of creating nations.

Yet, without skipping a beat, Paul changed his apparently changed mind about the ineptitude of the government when in relations to the Kurds he stated “I think they would fight like hell if we promised them their own country.” Lots of

people have come to the conclusion that the problems that occurred in the Middle East are the result of the British mapmakers who after World War Two drew lines and established nations in the Middle East with people of different tribal,

“[Paul] is not a lost boy to the war hawks of the GOP; however, it is clear that he is not the libertarian messiah come to liberate the GOP of its backwards ideals and revive the party into a much more libertarian party” religious and ethnic backgrounds which ultimately lead to a huge backlash amongst the people living there and caused discontent. Now Rand Paul, a man who not even a month ago told a crowd at CPAC that the government is inept at creating nations somehow is holding an exception for the Kurds. His plan seems to be to offer the Kurds a place of there own, Kurdistan, if they promise to help on America’s behalf and with American arms.

The statement on its own not only highlights the lackluster libertari-

Kurdistan

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an values that Paul has--no actual libertarian could rationalize government interference in the Middle East that would result in the establishment of a new nation--but also reflects the current nature of the GOP. The need for hawkish poli-

cies dominates the party and forces those who are considerably the most conservative amongst the lot, such as Rand Paul, and the most libertarian amongst them to compromise their values in order to attract the attention of the “bomb everyone and everything” GOP members. As of now, Paul’s opposition for boots on the ground to deal with ISIS and his condemnation on the Libyan drone strikes prove he is not a lost boy to the war hawks of the GOP; however, it is clear that he is not the libertarian messiah come to liberate the GOP of its backwards ideals and revive the party into a much more libertarian party or at least an actual conservative party.

The statement is not only indicative on the Rand Paul foreign policy flip flop, but is also proof of a lack of understanding of how arming groups in the Middle East could lead to backfire and how getting involved in the political process in the Middle East leads to unintended consequences. An example of this is the CIA-backed coup in 1953 in Iran in order to overthrow the

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democratically elected government in order to put the Shah in control. Ultimately the installation of the Shah would lead to abuses of the people by the unelected Shah and lead to the Iranian revolution. The part that ended up coming back to hurt the America was the Iran Hostage Crisis in which our embassy in Tehran was overrun by the Iranian revolutionaries after America granted asylum to the Shah (of course America would grant asylum to the dictator it installed re-

RAND PAUL’S FLIP FLOP

safety of its citizens. However, where does this leave Rand Paul. One can speculate that he simply made these statements to appease the war hawks in the GOP, but until he officially condemns or verifies his statement on the future Kurdistan we can only assume the worst and that he genuinely believes more nation building will ultimately help the situation in the Middle East.

Without skipping a beat, Paul changed his apparently changed mind about the ineptitude of the government gardless of the crimes that he committed against his own people). The incident in Iran is not the only incident of US involvement ultimately hurting our own citizens. The United States trained Al-Qaeda and armed them to fight against our enemies, the USSR. Ultimately though, this decision as well seems to come back and haunt us as Al-Qaeda’s leader Bin Laden would ultimately attack America on 9/11 which resulted in the worst catastrophe on American soil since Pearl Harbor.

If history is any testimony to the current state of the world, it would seem as if the Untied States should take a non-interventionist approach to foreign policy in order to secure the

editor@binghamtonreview.com

Would you vote for a sandal?

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In Soviet Russia Review Writes You

WELCOME TO AMERICA CAPITALISM (and the Review) NEED YOU!

Come to our meetings on Thursdays in our office, under the Marketplace across from WHRW

TRUTH AND TWO STAPLES STAPLES (and an inconsistancy in time-space)

Binghamton Preview

April 1st, 2017

Another Sunny Day in BINGHAMTON.

I Love the Future!

BINGHAMTON PREVIEW

P.O. BOX 6000 BINGHAMTON, NY 13902-6000

EDITOR@BINGHAMTONREVIEW.COM

Founded 1987 • April 1st, 2017

Contents EDITOR-IN-CHIEF Jordan Raitses

Managing Editor Jordan Raitses

Layout Editor

William Schneider

Senior Emeritus Daniel Milyavsky

Contributors Keptsi, David Kusick,Luke

Patriarchs of the Review Louis Leonini Adam Shamah

Special Thanks To:

Intercollegiate Studies Institute Collegiate Network Binghamton Review was printed by Gary Marsden

We Provide the Future, he Provides the Staples

2016 Presidential Election Update

By Sean Glendon PAGE 7

6

March Madness! by Sean Glendon

6

Binghamton Ivy by David Keptsi

10 Global Boiling by William Schneider 11 The Walking Dead by William Schneider 12

Congressman Stenger and the Fall of Students for Change by Sean Glendon

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Why We Need a More Militarized Thought-Police

by Luke Kusick

Departments 3 4 5

EDITORIAL CAMPUS PRESSWATCH WHAT YOU MISSED

TELL US WHAT YOU THINK! Direct letter to editor@binghamtonreview.com 2

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EDITORIAL

From the Editor

Dearest Readers, I’m glad that you’ve decided to pick up a copy of our paper of your own free will and not because the campus freedom police have made it mandatory reading. Ever since the firing squads and trial by combat were implemented in lieu of the student disciplinary committee, I’ve felt safer knowing only university sanctioned opinions (like those in this paper) can be heard. Now to address the elephant in the room: as I’m sure you’ve noticed, the Review has become a lot more liberal in the past two years. This has, of course, all been a part of my master plan as I worked to undermine the conservatives here and make Binghamton the premier public university of the entire world.

We won! The conservatives at Binghamton have been ousted and their precious “YikYak” has been abolished. Of course, the free and open discourse that makes America so great has also all but disappeared, but that’s okay because some people might have said mean things otherwise.

So many great changes have taken place over the last two years that I am just bursting with joy.

For example, we have finally moved to a post racial society by making everyone wear full-body suits and speak through interpreters. And none

of this could have been accomplished were it not for Students for Change’s “radical” demands and unwieldy negotiation tactics. By refusing to back down, compromise, or actually talk to administrators, they were able to force their opinions and requests down upon everyone—for our own good!

I look back at the Binghamton Review of this time two years ago and I am disappointed with what we were. Absolute savages with no idea of the importance of what we were witnessing. And so, in partnership with the Watson School of Engineering’s time travel department, I will send copies of this month’s issue back to those dark days and give the people of that time a taste of what is to come. I hope they enjoy it as much as we all do.

Jordan T. Raitses

Our Mission

Binghamton Preview is a non-partisan, post-apocalyptic, yet still student-run periodical of conservative thought at Binghamton University representing the year 2017. A true liberal arts education expands a student’s horizons and opens one’s mind to a vast array of divergent perspectives. In that spirit, we seek to promote the free exchange of ideas and offer an alternative viewpoint not normally found on our predominately liberal campus: the future.

Thanks to a distortion in time-space created by the mind-melting amount of negative energy expressed by the liberals as their policies continued to fail, the newly formed Star Trek fan club on campus was able to harness this energy and punch a hole through the interdimensional barrier back to the year 2015. This proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that Star Trek fans are capable of at least one thing other than publicly announcing their fandom, and that maybe one day (much, much, farther into the future) we may even be able to respect them. For now though, we harnessed this power & brought you as much as we could. Enjoy!

editor@binghamtonreview.com

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Written by our Editor in Chief

In Favor of Grade Equality Pipe Dream Editorial

Confessions of a Former Editor Pipe Dream

This University has done so much to address inequality in recent years.

We’ve handled inequality of skin tone and melanin, inequality of genitalia, and now it’s time to deal with inequality of intelligence and work ethic.

Now that I’ve graduated, I can reflect on my past as a Pipe Dream editor honestly. It was a great gig, swell people, shit was chill, they knew what was good, Democrats4Life, lots of love for leftists and liberals, alliteration ad absurdum etc. etc. BUT there seemed to be an eerie melancholy in the air, and I think I’ve finally identified the cause…we were always wishing we could be as good as the Binghamton Review.

Wow, just wow. I always knew you were pretty crazy Pipe Dream, but this is a little much. Anyway, go on…

It’s not fair that certain students get better grades just because they’re either smarter or work harder.

Just like you can’t control what race you are, you can’t control what level of intelligence you’re born with.

There’s also evidence that work ethic can be linked to genetics.

So what’s your solution, Pipe Dream editorial board?

It would be ridiculous for everyone to get the same exact grade, so instead grading should be completely randomized. We’re not against different grades for different students; we’re not extremist like that.

Instead, we just want to sever the link between merit and results.

There you have it, folks! Just when you thought Pipe Dream couldn’t get any crazier.

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Yeah, so nobody has heard of us, we totally suck, nothing about our publication is worthwhile, so this is our last issue.

Wait,

what’s

Prospect?

Holy crap! I’ve always suspected this was the case!

Like the news stuff was not bad… but those sex columns! Ugh! Hand over the vomit bag! It’s bad enough that we could never be as sexy as the Review, but did we really have to be anti-sexy with our explicit talk of lube and anonymous gay fucking? Like chill! I’m liberal but I’m not that liberal!

Woah! Getting a little homophobic there Pipe Dream. That’s definitely a microaggression; you might even be treading into macroaggression territory…

Anyway, I like, um, suck at, like, writing, so of course I joined Pipe Dream instead of the Review.

But maybe if I just took myself seriously, and knocked on that office door right down the hall, things could’ve gone differently…

What a sad tale. Good luck in your postgrad life, former Pipe Dream editor.

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Alright, nobody gives a shit about us, we’re shutting down Prospect

Do we still exist anymore?

Free Press ...no.

Wait no, serious question, do you still exist anymore? I guess not? Maybe? Answer me!

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WHAT YOU MISSED Chief Justice John Roberts and other Supreme Court Justices will be ruling shortly on the legitimacy of President Barack Obama’s historic third election. While some believe that the court will rule in favor of the President, others believe he will be forced to resign leaving Vice President Knowles-Carter as the first female President of the United States of America.

Dissention is at an all time low in America, after President Obama signed Executive Order 7248, which introduced the Thought Police to the American public. The American population has remained consistent, despite a growing birth rate.

Where are all these people going?

The Purple Party and The Orange Party were created. The Purple Party was created as a single issue party dedicated to the legalization of all drugs, including “purple drank” and “purple kush.” The Orange Party was created shortly after, with a spokesman saying “Republicans represent red. Democrats repre-

editor@binghamtonreview.com

sent blue. Libertarian is there for yellow, the Green Party obviously fights for green. And now the purple party? We need a group that isn’t afraid to fight for equal representation for all colors of the rainbow” Kanye West and Kim Kardashian gave birth to twins: South and East. This comes shortly after Mr. West released the best album in rap history and Mrs. Kardashian-West got naked, again.

Car accidents are at an all time low with driverless cars becoming more readily available to the American middle-class. However, the first DWI involving a driverless vehicle occurred recently. This happened when the vehicle was filled with pure ethanol alcohol instead of a gasoline-ethanol mixture. The vehicle is in critical condition, but there were no other injuries sustained.

Sea levels continue to rise dramatically. After the loss of Long Island, NY and other coastal areas across the world, global panic has

ensued. The issue was addressed at the United Nations, after which one Republican Congressman was caught saying that “climate change isn’t real” and “water levels are increasing because the legalization of gay marriage is making God cry.”

Budweiser was pronounced dead at the age of 165. After the rapid popularization of craft beer and the legalization of powdered alcohol, the formerly popular beer couldn’t compete. At the Anheuser-Busch foreclosure auction, the Budweiser clydesdales were granted their freedom and are set to star in a live-action Broadway production of Bojack Horseman.

According to the Bureau of Labor Statistics, the days of the world’s oldest profession may be limited. There has been a large decrease in prostitution recently as a result of the introduction of the MoanDrone®: a live-action fantasy fulfillment collaborative project between Boeing and Brazzers.

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March Madness!

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March Madness!

Written By Sean Glendon

This year the Binghamton Bearcats snuck into the NCAA tournament for the first time since the classic basketball scandal of 2009-2010, when academic and character integrity of players was compromised in order to become a more competitive Division 1 team. Of course, with this year’s tournament being the first since the new NCAA policy regarding players, this truly was set to be March Madness. As much as I wanted to pick my beloved Bearcats as a 15 seed upset, the Villanova Wildcats tend to wait until the second round to crumble under pressure.

And so it happened… Binghamton fell in the first round, losing 55-48.

The one, two punch of Boyd Schmidt and Dwayne Watkins proved to be a very efficient combination for the suddenly slower pace of the game.

With Schmidt being a freshman, and Watkins being a sophomore things are looking up. Unfortunately for us, more established programs may be pursuing our better players, especially Schmidt due to new quotas. The quotas really do make a player like Boyd Schmidt get levels of attention that he never would have seen had he been just a few years older. Realistically, the quotas are a big part of why we made the tournament this year: we were naturally more prepared than many other schools. I guess we should be thanking the NCAA, although it was clearly the latest of a series of publicity stunts to move the conversation away from compensating players.

While the long term impact of the quotas are yet to be seen, Kentucky falling so early was definitely some-

Binghamton Ivy! Written By David Keptsi

It’s been several months now since Binghamton has replaced Cornell as a member of the prestigious Ivy League and things have been just peachy. Cornell, which was kicked out of the Ivy League after the well known escaped laboratory chimpanzee incident (the horrific details which I won’t delve into lest the all-seeing thought police knock 6

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down my door) isnt doing too well though.Since our glorious leader Barack Obama signed the executive order to make college tuition free for private universities, the once respected university is now both short on students and capital, lying on the verges of bankruptcy.Binghamton on the other hand, has been flourishing in its new found glory.

thing that wouldn’t have happened under the previous system. I really hope that other sports err on the side of caution with this nonsense.

I understand that statistically some groups are underrepresented in certain sports and regarding playing time, but maybe the people that make up these groups just aren’t as good as those from other groups.

The University of Binghamton (also known as Big Green) has quickly risen to the top of the US News and World Report’s college rankings, but interestingly enough, it remains a public, state subsidized university.

Obviously this only goes to prove that government run programs will always surpass private institutions in their efficiency.Binghamton has also recently converted its club Rugby team into binghamtons’ new Football team in order to better compete in the Ivy League, when questioned about the decision, the current Rugby captain said “I don’t really mind, we were always wannabe football players anyway”. In addition, former Florida governor Jeb Bush was seen on campus last week, presumably to help start a new chapter of the Skull and Bones society. Moods have soared at the University of Binghamton, and much like in Colorado, there is a lot of love for the big green.

April 1st, 2017

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2016 Presidential Election Update

2016 Presidential Election Update Written By Sean Glendon

Another four years of Barack Hussein Obama. Jesus fucking Christ.

How did we get here? What happened to the 22nd Amendment and the sanctity of the Constitution?

I guess it comes down to some ridiculous judicial interpretation and an apathetic and clueless populous. Let’s recap. Republican nominee Rand Paul easily made his way past the rest of the Republican field to gain the nomination. The right quickly decided they were done with the Bush family, and that they wanted to stay away from RINOs for once. In the end, it came down to a doctoral race, with Ben Carson’s lack of experience quickly becoming the focal point of the two-man nomination race. The real surprise from the editor@binghamtonreview.com

GOP came a few months later, upon the announcement of Dr. Paul’s runningmate - Ronald Reagan. Through a series of elaborate scientific and medical processes, the GOP was able to revive the body of 55 year old Ronald Reagan combined with the brains and experience of 73 year old Ronald Reagan. The Gipper was back and better than ever! Up until this announcement, Paul and Obama were polling neck and neck, but this led to a substantial 6 point

boost for the Republicans. As for the Democrats, the party reached a huge roadblock when video leaked showing assumed Democratic candidate Hillary Rodham Clinton pulling the trigger of the weapon that killed U.S. Ambassador Christopher J. Stevens and 3 other Americans in the Benghazi consulate on September 11, 2012. After husband former president Bill Clinton was informed of this news, he quickly distanced himself from his wife, claiming that

“A plan was hatched: reelect Barack Obama for a third term.

But how?”

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2016 Presidential Election Update

he “did not have sexual relationships with [Hillary Clinton].” While testing could not prove his claim, it did prove that he was not the father of Chelsea Clinton. Within weeks, Bill and Hillary were divorced and Bill was seen dining in a local Chappaqua restaurant with former secretary Monica Lewinksy. When the party failed to come up with a solid replacement candidate, a plan was hatched: reelect Barack Obama for a third term. But how? The 22nd Amendment explicitly states “No person shall be elected to the office of the President more than twice.”

Passing an amendment to repeal said amendment could take years, and definitely wouldn’t be ratified

by Election Day 2016. So what was done? Obama listed himself on the New York Stock Exchange and offered himself to the public through an IPO using top donor Goldman Sachs as his underwriter. As the first human stock available, investors quickly began to purchase shares in him and within a few days he reached a market cap of $50,000,000 with shares trading at $87. Next,

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“Obama listed himself on the New York Stock Exchange and offered himself to the public” Obama announced his running for office again. He didn’t even mention the fact that he was legally unable to.

The 24 hour news cycle went nuts, with Fox News challenging President Obama the most, but even MSNBC shared in the backlash. His next announcement shocked the world: since he was legally a listed financial security, he was protected by the Interstate Commerce Clause of the United States Constitution. Within hours, nearly all branches of the Circuit Courts were swarmed with lawsuits, but by the time this was settled, the election would already be over. Back to the Vice Presidential announcements. With the Republicans edging out the Democrats, Obama made an announcement: Joe Biden would not be his run-

ningmate for his third campaign. He promised to announce his new ticketmate shortly. This announcement came on September 4th, 2016, only two months away from the election.

It was Beyonce Knowles-Carter’s birthday, and the White House was hosting a party using taxpayer money to honor the songstress for her 35th birthday. There were rumors swirling that Obama would use this publicity to announce his VP, but nobody expected what happened next. When Obama was giving a toast in Bey’s honor, his speech took an unexpected turn: “I remember turning 35. 35 is a special age. At 18 you can serve for your nation, at 21 you can drink legally… and at 35 you can be on a Presidential ticket.

Ms. Knowles, you and your husband

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have done more for this nation and the stimulation of its economy than anybody I know. Would you be my Vice President?” Obviously, this was an offer she could not refuse, and just like that the Presidential race

editor@binghamtonreview.com

2016 Presidential Election Update

was set: Obama-Knowles-Carter vs.

Paul-Reagan. The morning after the announcement the Democratic ticket got a huge boost, and was leading by 7 points, but this slowly dissipated as Election Day got closer. The

Republican Party dominated in the debates, but the social media power of the Democrats kept the race close.

I woke up on Election Day thinking the race would be extremely close and would come down to voter turnout, but what I found as I logged on to Twitter told me that it was over: Beyonce had just released a new album entitled VP Knowles-Carter, which included a guest verse from Obama on “Single Voters (Put Us In Office” and a song by Jay-Z entitled “(White House) Takeover,” where he spit pure fire dissing Rand Paul and Ronald Reagan’s policies, personal lives, and anything imaginable.

What was a too-close-to-call race was now called almost immediately. Obama-Carter took home 63% of the vote and every state except Paul’s home state of Kentucky (Reagan’s home state of California sided with Hollywood royalty ObamaKnowles-Carter). This marked the biggest landslide election in American history in terms of popular vote, and tied for the biggest landslide vote with 1936’s FDR reelection campaign regarding electoral college (although Alf Landon’s 8 electoral votes came from two states in 1936 and Rand Paul’s only came from one).

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Global Boiling

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Global Boiling Written By William Schneider

I never thought I’d say this, but it looks like we should have elected Al Gore when we had the chance. Most of us figured this was coming, but the speed of it has taken everyone off-guard. Leveling cities and destroying entire ecosystems, we are now staring down the barrel of the greatest threat to humanity since Justin Bieber. I’m talking of course, about manbearpig.

As the South Park fans out there are fully aware, manbearpig is a well-constructed and frankly hilarious metaphor for the apparently controversial issue of Global Warming. Basically what happens is that the gasses released when we do disgusting things like burning coal, burning oil, burning natural gas, and farting, rise up into the sky and get trapped within the atmosphere. There they are trapping the heat from the sun’s rays and beginning to raise the temperature of the earth as a whole. Ironically the biggest contributor to the phenomena to date has been the methane.

The year 2015 saw an unexpected doubling of the world population following both the global legalization of marijuana and the subsequent global failure to give a fuck about anything else (including birth control). This would naturally lead to an increase in worldwide food production, but accounting for the munchies of approximately two billion new stoners saw to it that world cow populations had quintupled by the beginning of 2016. Cows eat grass, grass is hard to break down in the stomach, and cows fart quite often. This lead to a huge release of methane into the atmosphere, and by the time the Times Square Ball would have dropped in 2017, the oceans had risen up to swallow times square and the rest of New York City into their gloomy depths.

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To combat the situation, Big Business teamed up with the US Government in offering all Mexican citizens, which the legislation defined as “everyone in the Western Hemisphere living somewhere between Texas and Antarctica,” free immigration rights and a $10 Amazon gift card to “aid us in dealing with the cow problem.”

America’s surviving hippies mobilized as well, leaving the safety of SUNY New Paltz for the first time since the last Burning Man festival in order to protest the legislation.

This led to a very chaotic deployment of millions of Mexicans and the entire student body of SUNY New Paltz strategically to almost every farm in America, and the stage was set for a battle as one-sided as Operation Desert Storm. It ended less predictably than its predecessor however, when millions of people took to America’s fields at 1:00 AM only to discover that cows do indeed lie down while sleeping and thus cow tipping is not a viable strategy.

Global warming now had free reign over the planet, and rain it did. The polar ice-caps melted almost entirely, raising sea levels numerous feet. Combined with the excess temperatures this increased global rainfall significantly. New York, London, and DC were swallowed by the sea, Kansas and the Dakotas became the Great American Rainforest, Binghamton became sun[n]y beach front property, and Siberia, Canada, and Buffalo all remained shitty tundras. Outside of America... well, there really isn’t enough science in that wasteland to take accurate records so as of now I have no idea. Presumably the monsoons have leveled the entire Indian Subcontinent and the Japanese have developed some water retardant Hello Kitty robot that is cur-

rently protecting the entire country while they write a manga about it.

At least we at Binghamton can find solace in the face of this tragedy. The millions experiencing drastic climate change finally understand what it feels like to live through one day here, our now beachfront property has now tripled in value (equating to about three whole dollars per square foot), and the sinking of long-island has led to a freshman class that is evenly proportioned both geographically and religiously, and as immortalized on our cover we have recently broken city records for the most nice days in one semester and most nice days in a row, with two consecutive[mostly] sunny days. We even became state capital after the destruction of New York and damage in Albany made us the most prominent city here that sees the sun more than Syracuse, isn’t in Canada like Buffalo, and simply isn’t Rochester. Lastly, the destruction of many other schools have propelled us to a status so high, it is almost as good as administration says it is.

Granted this is still state school, and we are all still drinking box wine, but let’s raise our glasses of box wine high. Global warming has reared it’s ugly head, and its finally time for everyone else to learn how annoying shitty weather can really be!

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Palcohol & The Walking Dead

The Walking Dead Written By William Schneider

In case you spent all of 2016 in a cryogenic freezer or on the island you own or something, you probably expect me to talk about a mega-hyped TV show that kept America hooked on cliffhangers week by week until the 2015 season finale (when Rick realized he was dreaming the whole time)... Nope, the issue at hand is the menacing things I can hear staggering around in packs outside the campus walls as I type. Thankfully their numbers are dwindling due to their natural predators: Will Smith and his dog, but if things get any worse I want there to be an explanation for what happened. Palcohol happened.

Palcohol is a type of powdered alcohol which was approved and hit the American public like wildfire in early 2015. Go ahead, I’ll give you a second to google it.

...There you have it. A legitimate human being with enough knowledge, connections, and bankroll to produce this substance actually decided that this was a good idea. He then brought it to the attention of the government who presumably responded with either “What could possibly go wrong?” or “Fuck Yeah!” depending on whether this was approved by someone who was truly naive or by someone who was just that crazy (and doubtless throws some of the world’s best partys).

I will conceed that some of the more obvious issues were considered and palcohol did their best to address them in the most public way possible (a goddamn youtube video posted to their webeditor@binghamtonreview.com

site), but it was a few months after the product became popular that we saw the true horror of the situation.

If you have ever been to college you have probably seen the darker side of alcohol use:

You’re welcome. However in 2016 just as more and more people were turning to alcohol to escape from being displaced by global warming and needing to buy new iphones daily in order to always have the latest version, palcohol was changing our relationship with the drug.

Alcohol was being incorporated into more and more facets of our daily lives. It started with palcohol being put in drinks, for uses such as raising the fatality rate of Four Lokos even higher than it was with caffeine, or making light beer strong enough to be worth drinking.

Then it made its way into most casual drinks like soda and lemonade, then Gatorade, on and on until the latest Poland Spring Water advertisement read: “Officially contains more palcohol than Aquafina!” During that time someone developed a method to incorporate palcohol into cooking, and in no time even salt shakers were being phased out in favor of palcohol shakers. An airborne version began to take off making a fortune for air conditioning companies (whose products dispensed it), while at the same time a palcohol that could be absorbed through the skin was captivating both pranksters and just about everyone else who realized you could now get shitfaced just by touching stuff. At this point,

drinking just about anything could get you drunk, eating just about anything could get you drunk, breathing the air in your home could get you drunk, and even lying down in bed could get you drunk if you remembered to scatter palcohol while making your bed that morning.

Everyone was drunk all the time, and for the first time in recent history Americans were happy.

Life seemed like a dream to them.

Fortunately Sodexo had only pretended to put palcohol in our university food, and opted instead to follow their usual model and save money by cutting back on things like grains, vitamins, and palcohol. Very ironically, we were saved.

Thus we got to see what this blissful existence actually looks like from a sober perspective, and subsequently built the campus wall I mentioned in the intro. Why did college kids build a wall to keep OUT millions of drunk people you ask?

Because they are fucking zombies.

Alongside being amazing, alcohol also inhibits muscle growth and kills brain cells. It turns out that being drunk 24/7 on quantities large enough to kill 10 people with today’s average alcohol tolerance will cause the body and brain to deteriorate down to an unheard of level. Death was descending on the entire population, and everyone was too hammered to notice.

Naturally we retreated behind the wall, and try not to associate with the mobs. That’s how it happened. Now that you know, I’ll leave you with a new verson of a very old warning... Your brain on palcohol:

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11

Congressman Stenger and the Fall of Students for Change

BINGHAMTONREVIEW.COM

Congressman Stenger and the Fall of Students for Change Written By Sean Glendon

After establishing himself as a results-oriented leader with the ability to create positive change during his tenure at Binghamton University, Harvey Stenger decided to set his sights on a stage where he could create an even larger difference: the United States Congress.

While the value of his Cornell degree may have decreased with the annulment of the school’s Ivy League status, the honorary degree that he was granted by Binghamton University after he announced his resignation definitely has some value behind it. Under Stenger, Binghamton University was transformed from a Public Ivy and the “Premier Public University of the Northeast” to a legitimate member of the Ivy League. Now mentioned in the same breath as Yale and Harvard uniron12

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ically, Binghamton has drastically improved in national rankings in a variety of categories. Education rankings, value rankings, freedom rankings and quality of student life rankings soared while diversity rankings remained relatively stagnant. The creation of a football team also played a large role in the improvement of the perception of Binghamton; Tony Kornheiser nearly had an emotional breakdown of joy on Pardon the Interruption upon hearing that his alma mater

would finally have a football team.

A tipping point in the term of President Stenger occurred in April of 2015, when troll-ridden now disbanded group Students for Change declared war on the University administration. Members of the group camped outside of the 8th floor of the Couper Administration Building for a 10 day period. While Stenger mostly ignored the group, and was frequently inconvenienced on his walk to the elevator, he did have food catered to the group out of his pocket for the first days. This resulted in the 8th floor of Couper becoming overpowered with apa-

“Under Stenger, Binghamton University was transformed... to a legitimate member of the Ivy League.”

April 1st, 2017

“ a a t

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thetic and uninterested students, because whereever there’s Nirchi’s, a pack of college students will follow.

As a result, Students for Change not only began to turn down the catered food, but also led to a hunger strike.

While many students caved quickly, one student was admitted into UHS after lasting the entirety of the protest period. Not only did Mr. Stenger avoid caving to their demands, he would go out into the battleground and eat large and exquisite meals in front of the fasting students. It is important to note that the grades of the Students for Change suffered drastically, as they skipped classes and exams in order to protest. A lawsuit filed by them to address this issue was quickly thrown out in court.

After gaining a local reputation as a leader who played hardball and

Congressman Stenger and the Fall of Students for Change

stood his ground, the now historic CNN interview occurred. In a heated debate with CNN anchor Don Lemon, Harvey Stenger was accused of being racist on national television. Throughout the interview, he maintained his composure, and managed to avoid angrily leaving prematurely. Don Lemon was suspended by the network for a month, and Harvey Stenger was featured in a viral video of Lemon’s outburst.

Upon his return to campus, the divide was larger than it had been at any point during his stint at Binghamton. After the unfortunate clash between supporters and opponents that left three students injured, Stenger decided that the University was no longer the place for him.

In a strongly worded farewell speech, Stenger announced his res-

ignation along with his Congressional campaign, saying “ I have been exposed to a plague stronger than I knew could exist. While I would love to stay and fight against it, I need to share my experiences with others so this plague doesn’t spread further. That is why I have decided to run for the 22nd district of the United States House of Representatives.” After having established his credibility through his success at Binghamton and having made national news for his feud with Students for Change, Harvey Stenger narrowly defeated incumbent Richard Hanna and earned himself a spot representing former students of his as well as many others.

Harvey Stenger’s Presidential replacement was alumnus John Chun Liu, former New York City comptroller and mayoral candidate.

President Liu took an approach of ignoring Students for Change, and when they stopped receiving attention they got angry but eventually went away. In his first few months as President, Liu has done a fantastic job of following the Roadmap created by Harvey Stenger, while also implementing policy of his own. It will be hard to follow in the footsteps of Stenger, who fundamentally transformed our University, but if anybody can do it, Liu can.

“After gaining a local reputation as a leader who played hardball andstoodhisground,thenowhistoric CNN interview occurred. ”

editor@binghamtonreview.com

Binghamtonreview.com

13

Why We Need a More Militarized Thought- Police

BINGHAMTONREVIEW.COM

Why We Need a More Militarized Thought-Police Written By Luke Kusick

Ever since Executive Order 7248 passed at the beginning of President Obama’s third term, Americans have become accustomed to Thought Police monitoring all of us.

Secret abductions, trials where one is guilty until proven innocent and dangerous thoughts such as tax cuts, freedom of speech and the right to bare arms resulting in the execution of people have skyrocketed. In this new glorious Utopia, we have seen that the Thought Police’s tactics of shooting first asking questions later, chokeholds on innocent civilians and execution style shooting has gone rampant and society has generally deemed it good. Local citizen who wished to remain anonymous stated, “I really like the fact that our thoughts are being monitored 24/7 but I feel that the government can be doing better job. We still have incidents where people get offended by 14

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certain words and actions of others and I just don’t want to live in a world where anyone is offended ever.”

As we all know, we currently live in a democracy and we all know that the founders wanted freedom of speech only up to the point that no one gets offended. In order to ensure that we do not offend our fellow Americans we must unite and tell the president that the thought police having access to our thoughts 24/7, carrying 30 round, collapsible stock AR-15s and being able to search our houses at any time possible that it isn’t enough. People are still getting offended every day over sayings or words. In the 21st century people are still cursing, will sometimes refer to a transgendered person by the wrong pronoun or even worse sometimes will talk as if liberty is more important than safety.

So what do we need in or-

der to properly allow for America to become a bastion of freedom from being offended? Simple, we need a much more militarized thought police. Lets face it, having one thought police officer per street block is no longer enough. We need as many thought police officers, as there are citizens in this country. But having more officers isn’t enough. We need them to not only be the officer but also the judge. The old bourgeois system of trials is antiquated and does not allow for those who offend and upset their fellow citizens to be properly dealt with quickly and effectively. The thought police now must become both the accusers and the judges of all crimes. This way those who commit a crime will be properly punished right away rather than having to go through the judicial system, a system that merely allows the guilty to hide behind old antiquated ideas such as rights of privacy and protection from the law. With a more militarized thought police we can truly have a greater society.

April 1st, 2017

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Germ Comic

*This work was created by one of our contributors for reddit in 2015, then deleted that summer. We are sending it back to remind the author (and the rest of you) that NOTHING can be taken off the internet.

o m a t o y e g d t s d d e t e e n l s h e .

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editor@binghamtonreview.com

Binghamtonreview.com

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Universe Plaza: The New New UP

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