March 2007 - Binghamton Review

Binghamton Review March 2007

The Student Journal at Binghamton University

The Student Journal at Binghamton University

Coulter Speaks Out on the SA Election (And Burns More Bridges in the Process)

“I was going to have a few comments on the SA Presidential candidates, but...”

In This Issue:

-Binghamton’s Best and Worst Professors -CPAC Coverage

-JAPs! -SA Election Shame Truth and two staples

Binghamton Review The Student Journal at Binghamton University Founded 1987 o Volume XX Number 6 o March 2007

Departments

“Laws are like sausages, it is better not to see them being made.”

-Otto von Bismark

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Editorial: Christopher Powell is sick of SA politics.

Editor-in-Chief Christopher Powell

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Special: BR hits the town

Managing Editor Thomas Shannon

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Letters: Don’t criticize if you won’t write.

Business Manager Nathaniel Sugarman

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Centerfold: Academic Review, Binghamton’s best and worst professors!

Treasurer Michael Calabrese

Contents

Layout Editor Nathaniel Sugarman Graphic Mercenary Josh Geller Staff Writers Denis Fitzgerald, Rebecca Kaufman, Alex Rosenthal, Thomas Shannon, Nathaniel Sugarman, Nick Tinen, Adam Zabary Contributors Eddie Aller, Eric Katz Friends of the Review The Aronoff Family Dr. Aldo S. Bernardo Mr. Michael J. Hayes The Kaufman Family Mr. Robert Larnerd The Leonini Family Mr. Michael O’Connell Mr. Tony Potochniak The Powell Family Mr. Conrad Ross The Shannon Family Mr. Bob Soltis WA2CVS The Sugarman Family

Binghamton Review is printed by Our Press, in Chenango Bridge. We provide the truth; they provide the staples.

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Thomas Shannon corresponds from CPAC.

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Alex Rosenthal is sick of being told how to lead.

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Adam Zabary wants to enhance Binghamton’s JAP population.

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Eric Katz thinks SA leaders should suck it up.

Cover Designs by Josh Geller Binghamton Review is a monthly, independent journal of news, analysis, commentary, and controversy. Students at Binghamton University receive two copies of the Review free of charge (non-transferrable). Additional copies cost $1 each. Letters to the Editor are welcome; they must be accompanied by the author’s current address and phone number. All submissions become the property of the Review. The Review reserves the right to edit and print any submission. Copyright © 2006 Binghamton Review. All rights reserved. Binghamton Review is distributed on campus under the authority of the First Amendment of the United States Constitution. Binghamton Review is a member of the Collegiate Network and is a Student Association-chartered organization. Binghamton University is not responsible for the content of the Review; the Review is not responsible for the content of Binghamton University. Binghamton Review thanks the Intercollegiate Studies Institute.

Binghamton Review

Binghamton University PO Box 6000 Binghamton, NY 13902-6000 binghamtonreview@yahoo.com

Past Editors of Binghamton Review : John Guardiano, Yan Rusanovsky, Kathryn Doherty, Ephriam Bernstein, Michael Malloy, Paul Schnier, Adam Bromberg, Bernadette Malone, Michael Darcy, Nathan Wurtzel, Amy Gardner, John Carney, Paul Torres, Jason Kovacs, Robert Zoch, Matthew Pecorino, Michael O’Connell, Louis W. Leonini, Joseph Carlone

Binghamton Review, March 2007

editorial

Where Have All the Lisnaks Gone?

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olitics is a dirty business (see: front cover).

The news from Washington, D.C. is consistently filled with sordid sex scandals and tales of back room meetings. It is not my goal to opine about the sorry state of national politics because hey, I’m just a lowly college student and you probably wouldn’t read it. However, recent events in our student government have caused me to look at the nature of politics, starting from the top down. After all, many college students, especially student government-types, seek an education that will allow them to someday relocate to an office inside the Beltway, where they can get things done.

The problem stems from students who, at all too young an age (and before the stakes get high), decide to mimic their “heroes” while they are serving on the Student Association.

The SA has been mired in one of the most bitterly contested presidential elections of all time, complete with mudslinging, vote nullifying, and possibly even a pregnant chad. In an election that sets the bar so low, what stands out as the coup de grace of the entire experience? Recently one candidate (names are not important for the sake of this editorial) accused another candidate of sexual harassment in the interest of coercing him to leave the race. The fact that SA elections would come to such ugliness is absolutely appalling – it is, after all, an extracurricular activity.

I have many friends who would probably be offended that I referred to our beloved SA in such a degrading manner. There are quite a few students (myself included) who devote an excessive amount of time to their SA dealings and can fail to see the students through the paperwork (see: Harpur Harpeggios). While I do not see any problem with students taking a legitimate interest in their activities and passionately seeking to improve the student experience here at BU, it worries me when students begin to see their role in the SA as self-defining.

The election for the 2007-2008 SA presidency defines the systemic problems plaguing our student body. It seems as though friendship with the big wigs has become paramount in SA politics.

Accusations of financial impropriety have forced a re-run, and accusations of sexual harassment have given everyone involved a black eye, but the saddest part is that the candidates seem to have developed a vitriolic hatred of one another. Regardless of how students spend their four years at the Ivy of the SUNY System the ultimate goal should be to broaden their horizons, grow and prepare for the real world and, most importantly, to forge the lasting friendships that a stable life is founded upon.

Although I was unable to attend I have heard that even the SA Getaway became a factionalized, political event. Student leaders were bussed to Saratoga for a weekend of boozing and beerpong and all they could do was talk shop?

So what’s the solution to the problems plaguing our Student Association? Maybe what we really need is some new blood to liven things up. At the beginning of the elections process a third candidate, Jason Lisnak, stepped forth from the ranks of SA anonymity and declared himself a viable SA presidencial candidate. Jason attended a few group meetings before his campaign was snuffed out by the awesome political machines run by the others, but were students too quick to let him go? Lisnak may have represented a political anomaly here at Binghamton – a relative unknown running for a position of power on the SA Executive Board on nothing but a smile and some big ideas, but maybe that’s the problem.

When did college stop being about late nights and later mornings and start becoming a mini-career?

Why were student leaders (myself included) so quick to discount Lisnak because he wasn’t “politically savvy” and didn’t have a thorough understanding of our constitution? What do the students expect from an SA President, anyway? All we really want is someone who can protect us from any interference by the administration and ensure that our student groups are provided with the resources they need to flourish. Sure, we need a leader who is experienced and poised to take the reigns of a $1.8M organization, but shouldn’t we want a leader who is, first and foremost, a student? It is times like these that remind us how short our time on this earth (and, more pressingly, at this University) is, and that we shouldn’t allow ourselves to waste it in bureaucracy and litigation. I hope that in the future student leaders can find their inner-Lisnak; that they choose to lead because they find it fun and because they want to lend a hand.

Most importantly, I hope that student “leaders” can lighten up. *Editor’s note: the covers of this paper may not have been in the greatest of taste, but neither was the Presidential election. The images and quotes were meant to make fun of Ann Coulter and of the absurdity of the elections rumors, not the candidates as individuals. Lighten up.*

Binghamton Review, March 2007

-Christopher Powell

BR Invades The West Side

Twentieth Anniversary Celebration

Binghamton Review Heads to Taj Restaurant to Get Good Food in A Great Neighborhood

From left: Adam Zabary, Arif (Taj’s big cheese) and Nate Sugarman.

From left: Tom Shannon, Alex Rosenthal, and Denis Fitzgerald represent.

The whole gang relaxes over a meal of goat and mango lassis.

From Left: Mike Calabrese, Eric Katz, Nate Sugarman and Chris Powell strut their stuff.

Binghamton Review, March 2007

Letters

Letter from the Editor

Got Something to Say? Step Up to the Mic. This letter is written as a response to a letter printed about BR in the February 23rd issue of Pipe Dream. In this letter a student named Richard Kim asserts that he attempted to leave feedback with our staff about our anniversary issue and that his request was ignored. This is a bold-faced lie. We at BR are proud of the controversy that our work inspires, and we wouldn’t have it any other way. However, as a group that promotes intellectual discourse we have (and uphold) a moral obligation to print, unmolested, the objections of our “intellectual” opponents, and we do just that. This month alone I was personally promised three letters responding to comments made in our Presswatch. I received none. And so, fellow Bearcats, I leave you with this charge: keep reading us, keep thinking about what our writers say, but don’t call us intellectual bullies. If you have something to say about Binghamton Review then by all means, step up to the mic.

-Christopher Powell P.S. Letters to the Editor will be printed every month, please limit letters to under 300 words, unless given prior approval. Please send letters to: binghamtonreview@yahoo.com.

Binghamton Review:

“Where the real debate on campus takes place” We Are Always Looking For:

Conservatives, Objectivists, Libertarians, writers, cartoonists, graphic designers as well as all lovers of liberty, justice, and the American way.

Weekly Meetings: Thursdays, 9 P.M. in our office, WB05 (basement of the New Union below the food court). e-mail binghamtonreview@yahoo.com Binghamton Review, March 2007

Home Base

The View From CPAC

What Really Happened at the Conservative Political Action Conference

by Thomas Shannon

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he recent Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC) in Washington, D.C. was nothing short of scintillating. This right wing reunion garnered more than 6,000 attendees this year which is roughly 3,000 more people than the Omni Shoreham Hotel could tolerably accommodate. Needless to say, there was a little bit of everything in the crowd – rich, vibrant diversity, if you will. There was an Amazonian female security guard who accosted me (in D.C., one is never far from the fruits of feminism), a Lieutenant Jim Dangle from Reno 911 look-alike Tom Tancredo supporter, a subversive from The Nation magazine, and a Romneyhating dolphin in addition to all the dead white males such as myself. This is our story.

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Virtually all media outlets made a big deal about the favorable crowd response that former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani received.

As usual, no reporters or commentators took a skeptical approach. Considering that he heavily bombarded the crowd with applause lines and studiously avoided any mention of his social liberalism, a few standing ovations really aren’t all that shocking. Many reporters claimed that the mere absence of boos would be a great sign for Giuliani.

Maybe, but during the entire conference only Sen. Arlen Specter and the absent Sen. John McCain received boos.

Giuliani’s partner in northeastern liberalism, former Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney, also garnered a hearty reception. Romney ended up winning the CPAC straw poll with Giuliani a close second. But, as Robert Novak later reported, Romney spent more than $300,000 bringing hordes of volunteers and supporters to CPAC. Giuliani, by contrast, spent nothing and had no noticeable volunteers present.

Even so, it would be unwise to say that Giuliani has made his peace with conservatives. The triumvirate of Nelson Rockefellers atop the GOP presidential field is completely unsustainable and will eventually be exposed for the fraud that it is. I wasn’t the only one at CPAC with such sentiments.

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The greatest round of applause, by far, went to former House speaker Newt Gingrich. Newt entered from the back of the ballroom, and walked through the crowd up to the podium. Newt was clearly trying to recreate the aura of Jefferson’s walk to Capitol Hill before the 1801 Inaugural.

Alas, it’s just not the same when college kids are shoving digital cameras in your face.

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The Empire Ballroom, which lacked the glamour and political celebrity of the Regency Ballroom, hosted the more cerebral discussions. A panel entitled “Failure of Fusionism” dealt with the same controversy that BR debated in the February issue – i.e. does the Cold War alliance between conservatives and libertarians still exist? Another panel dealt with the future of the conservative movement. Richard Viguerie, author of Conservatives Betrayed, stole the show with his assertion that conservatives under age 50 aren’t grounded because they don’t read the classic conservative texts. “You won’t learn much by listening to Sean Hannity or reading Ann Coulter’s books,” Viguerie said, as Hannity spoke upstairs in the Regency Ballroom. God bless him for saying what needs to be said.

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It was inevitable that a pinko with an Upton Sinclair complex would show up to make a documentary. Max Blumenthal of The Nation magazine infiltrated the ranks and Binghamton Review, March 2007

now his seven minute documentary is available widely on YouTube. Max is the son of Sidney Blumenthal, an old Clintonista. Predictably, he went after Coulter and Michele Malkin – the two easiest targets available. Then he pursued some Tancredo supporters and questioned them with a typically liberal anything-but-amnesty-equals-racism line of reasoning. At least he preserved forever on film the priceless image of Jim Dangle’s look-alike, who sat next to me during Rep. Tancredo’s speech.

• Tancredo’s speech was nice and caustic – a luxury which only long-shot candidates can afford to indulge in.

His recent assertion that uncontrolled immigration has turned Miami into a “Third World country” drew the ire of Florida Gov. Jeb Bush who shot back with the usual, spineless diversity talk.

In response, Tancredo said “I’m all for celebrating diversity. But when you make a state religion out of it, that’s when you have a problem.” Might it be that long-shot presidential candidates can afford to be more truthful than front runners?

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So it was at CPAC. The greatest injustice was that George Will received tepid applause and blank stares while Coulter and Hannity received standing ovations. The most absurd moment was when Minnesota Gov. Tim Pawlenty compared Ronald Reagan to Oprah.

I’ve come to the conclusion that the tent probably is a little bit too big. There are still plenty of serious thinkers in the conservative movement but perhaps a few years out of power is needed to purge the likes of Coulter, Hannity, Giuliani, McCain, Romney, et al.

-Tom Shannon is Managing Editor of Binghamton Review.

Leadership 101

The Old-Fashioned Way

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Keep Your Chintzy Trophy and Let Me Keep My Money

by Alex Rosenthal

any ideas propagated by the Student Association and the University administration are complete and utter nonsense, but none of these nonsensical ideas boil my blood more intensely than “Leadership Training”. Many SA leaders and administrators believe it is the role of the SA and the administration to fund leadership seminars, “getaways” and awards for our student leaders.

Just recently the Student Assembly voted to give the XCEL Center (an administrative venture in self-congratulation) $1,000 of your money to fund their annual awards program. This is in addition to the over $5,000 spent earlier this year on a “Getaway” program organized

by SA Executive Vice President David Belsky. These programs are just the tip of the iceberg of what student leaders and administrators want to spend your money on. They are convinced that they know how students should lead their groups and they can “teach” them how to lead. Some take this idea even further and believe the purpose of the Student Association is to teach students how to become leaders. This idea is absurd.

A person chooses to become a leader, not as a result of undergoing “leadership training”.

As a sophomore I chose to become more involved with the Student Assembly and devoted more of my time and energy to becoming more active and involved in the SA. As a result of this choice I learned more about the Student Association and the University and soon chose to help other students learn this information and become more active in the group. I chose to lead and became good at it by simply choosing to be active and aggressive in the Assembly. I learned from

other students, and because I cared about the activity I was involved in I chose to show other students who expressed interest in the Assembly my knowledge. I didn’t spend thousands of dollars on trips to Saratoga nor did I give them fake awards over dinners paid for by other students. I simply cared about the activity and knew that by showing other students how to participate I would continue the goals of the organization in the future.

Later I started a student group, the Binghamton Media Group, without having my hand held by some pseudo-programming leader. I saw a market on campus that wasn’t being developed (an honest, investigatory, alternative media source) and I contacted a friend who I believed would be interested in the project. I set out to create the group and recruit other students to get involved in my vision. I didn’t shove my hands in my pocket and wait to be told how to lead a student group; I chose to start my group and assumed the responsibility of doing what was necessary to make it successful. If a person needs to be sat down in a room and told how to communicate with others and how to successfully lead a group he is wasting his time because he will fail.

The way to become a leader is to actually go out and gain experience or to learn from others by asking questions. Furthermore, if you need to be told what goals your group should pursue then you have no business even participating in said student group.

I have even heard such blasphemy that the SA’s purpose is to train student leaders. Excuse me? This is such idiotic, self-serving baloney (props to Papa Bear) that I could not believe I heard it Binghamton Review, March 2007

correctly when a SA Executive Board officer said it. Sure, students run for and take positions in student government to gain experience in the field of politics and community service, but they should not be there for the primary purpose of padding their resume.

They are there to serve the students that have elected them and fight for the common interests of their constituents. Ideally this should be the case, if not the reality, for most student government leaders.

The paternalistic nature of student leaders and administrators towards less experienced students needs to end. It is true that students need to develop leadership skills in order to lead the SA and its various sub-groups. However, the best way to develop these skills is through experience, not through subjection to the administration’s leadership training. As in real government, the job of the SA is not to tell the students how to live their lives or develop their businesses, but to provide an environment in which they can flourish.

EVP-elect Joe Danko you are on notice; we the students do not need thousands of dollars of our money going to dubious leadership training. We will learn our skills the old-fashioned way by caring and being involved. SA leaders should concentrate on reducing paperwork and bureaucratic nonsense; let the students focus on learning their crafts and accomplishing their goals. If we need something we’ll let you know.

-Alex Rosenthal is a staff writer for Binghamton Review as well as the Publisher of Binghamton Free Press.

Professors

Binghamton University’s Best and Worst Professors BR judged candidates primarily on their abilities to keep the classroom open to the free exchange of ideas - and free of politics - and maintain an atmosphere conducive to learning, and only secondarily on their relative biases and prejudices. Generally, we stuck to liberal arts professors. They might know who we are, but we do know who they are.

by the BR Editorial Staff

The Best Professor Emeritus Melvyn Dubofsky, History: We need more professors like Dr. Dubofsky not only at this school, but everywhere. Dubofsky is a brilliant, old-school professor who never lets his personal political beliefs interfere with his class. The result is an accomplished intellectual who comes off as such. Known for his humor, and in particular his anecdotes (which can seem to stretch forever), his classes are never dull. Unfortunately, it looks as though he is retiring from teaching here at BU. Professor Dubofsky, you will be missed.

the hiring of Visiting Professor John R. Lott. Professor Lott is not only a highly-respected conservative voice on issues such as gun control, voter behavior and criminal sentencing, but also a capable teacher. Binghamton Review is not encouraging academic bias (Professor Lott was nothing if not fair), but it was nice to experience a professor who was both willing and able to come to the aid of conservative arguments regularly.

Professor Lott may not teach here any longer, but he is still involved on campus, including his involvement in a recent forum on minimum wage laws.

Visiting Professor John R. Lott and The Economics Department: Professor Steven Scalet, Associate Director, Philosophy, Politics, and Alright, so highlighting the efforts Law: of an entire department might not jibe with the goals of this centerProfessor Scalet isn’t concerned fold, but they earn it. Not only about what you think. He doesn’t does the professors’ extensive care if you love the free market knowledge of economics prohibit or if you’re an ardent socialist. (most of) them from becoming Scalet’s biggest concern is why exceedingly liberal, the majority his students believe what they do of Economics professors eschew and how well they argue it. He political commentary entirely entertains all forms of arguments in their lectures. However, the and enjoys playing devil’s advoreal achievement that earned the cates, challenging the arguments department this recognition was of all students. One standard

Binghamton Review, March 2007

week of reading in his PPL seminar will feature one article arguing that CEO’s are paid too much, and another article defending capitalism and the pay of CEO’s. His intro level class, Markets, Ethics, and Law, examines different market theories and theories of societal organization. He introduces all the contrasting sub-topics including efficiency and pro-market elements as well as income distribution, justice and equality.

Any student studying PPL would be foolish not to take a class with him.

Professor Eugene Tettey-Fio, Geography: Professor Tettey-Fio is one of the most interesting, funny and challenging professors at Binghamton University. Although he is far from an easy grader he works dilligently to assure that, grades aside, his students learn. Professor Tettey-Fio has a real passion for the subjects which he teaches, and manages to express that passion while withholding biases. While most students may never encounter Tettey-Fio it might be worth looking him up for a GenEd course.

Adjunct Professor Therese Cingranelli, Political Science: Taking a class taught by an adjunct professor is always a roll of the dice. Some are even better than the full time professors and others are awful. Then there is Therese Cingranelli, who truly is in a league of her own. It’s worth taking a class with her just for the comic relief.

Here’s a look at some of Professor Cingranelli’s most profound insights:

The Worst

dren to worry about.”

“The First National Bank collapsed but the second one, the Federal Reserve, has fared much better.”

And, in a burst of clarity during a discussion of early American partisan etymology, I learned that “Jefferson coined the term Democratic-Republican,” and also that “the Republicans were the Federalists.” Heaven help anyone lacking a background in American history.

“Rousseau was a democrat in the

The best thing about this true sense of the word.” class was the amount of people “Jefferson freed his slaves.” (heavy double digits) in “the “…when you buy gas, most of that Thinker” pose nodding their heads is taxes.” while the above quotes were utHow mean Andrew Jackson was for tered. People who take this class creating the “Trail To Tears” walk out less educated than they “…when Jefferson came to power, walked in, but the laughs more than he let Hamilton do his own thing.” compensate.

“John Adams wrote the Federalist Papers.”

Professor Donald Quataert, His“…in the 60’s, it was okay to be tory: ethnic again.”

This professor is as big an activ“Thoreau had a family and chilist as can be found here at BU.

He chooses to focus his largest course, “The Middle-East and the United States,” on modern Middle Eastern conflicts, despite being primarily an Ottoman historian.

Many people attempt to call him to task in the lecture hall, and though he is not mean spirited he is very left-wing and chooses to dodge most substantial questions rather than confront the flaws in his arguments. An example of his bias was his support for the then newly elected Hamas government, which he insisted would never commit acts of violence against Israelis. History has proven him wrong, and probably will again.

Incidentally, last year in his class titled “The Middle-East and the United States,” he put his book on Ottoman history on the required reading list, despite the fact that the material was never covered. In addition, his excaggerated Western New York accent is obscene, and makes him hard to take seriously.

Wherefore Art Thou, Fair Maiden?

We know full well that there is a fair maiden out there on the Binghamton campus who secretly pines to join Binghamton Review’s staff. Somewhere in the midst of books, classes and fall registration there is a girl who reads Binghamton Review and loves it. She gets all the jokes, she hates hippies and she cooks a mean steak. She dances at the bar, hoping to be noticed by us, and instead of paying attention in class she gives her favorite staff writer a good, long stare. She wishes she had the courage to confront BR with her feelings, but she just can’t find the words to confront us. Well, she need not be shy any longer! We have decided to open the application process for Binghamton Review’s Second Annual “Conservative Girl of the Year” Award! Send in your application which should include your favorite issue of BR, a brief statement about your personal conservative sentiments, and any other information you think will be helpful to us.

Applications can be dropped off at our office (WB05 in the basement of the New Union, below the food court) or sent to binghamtonreview@yahoo.com.

Facebook profiles not accepted. Void in Massachussets.

Binghamton Review, March 2007

Civic Literacy 516-555-JAPS

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FromANassau Sobering They Victory Will Come

New Survey Cites Colleges Properly Educate Students Binghamton UniversityFailure Needs to a Makeover...JAP Style

by Christopher Powell

by Adam Zabary

W F

alking to class in the wee hours of the morning (around 10 a.m.) over the course of this semester, I normally did not think so much as most of my energy was devoted to simply keeping from freezing to death, especially in the mysterious wind tunnel near the library fountain. I always kept my head down and looked forward to better days – days when I could walk outside without the snot freezing inside my nose, have a catch with my buddies, chill at a barbeque, go running and admire the girls walking around in miniskirts and Ugg boots.

It is now mid-March, and God has finally blessed us with a few of these days. But all is not well in the lovely land of Binghamton. By pondering my lingering dejection, I have come to realize the biggest reason that Binghamton sucks so much. No, it is not the eleven-month winters or the classy people that shop at Walmart at four in the morning. The problem is that there are not enough JAPs at Binghamton University. I’m not talking about the East-Asian kind; I’m talking about the Nassau County kind.

Although many have prejudices and hostilities towards JewishAmerican Princesses (the Prince will not be addressed in this issue, but they certainly do exist), their benefits far outweigh their shortcomings. These feelings are exacerbated by anti-JAP propaganda films such as Mean Girls, although I doubt any of those girls were Jewish. Sure, JAPs can be obnoxious and often act as if they are some sort of entitled royalty (hence the

name), but they are usually extremely attractive and their accents and mannerisms lead to more entertainment than one would expect. Contrary to popular belief on campus there are NOT enough Jappy girls here and Newing is simply not the JAP haven everyone claims it is. For every hot

The problem is that there are not enough JAPs at Binghamton University.

I’m not talking about the EastAsian kind; I’m talking about the Nassau County kind.

JAP girl that lives in Newing, there are at least ten shmucks like me who wanted to live there just to catch a glimpse of girls in oversized sunglasses at the dining hall (see: last month’s centerfold). The JAP:schmuck ratio is pathetic and something must be done to correct this problem that, in my opinion, is much more significant than any academic issue on this campus (except maybe parking, but Binghamton Review, March 2007

let’s save that for another article). Not only would attracting more JAPs to Binghamton University be rewarding, it would be simple.

Before we can lay out a plan to jumpstart a JAP exodus to the wastelands of Binghamton, we must truly define what a JAP is through their habitats, tendencies and dispositions. A JAP does not necessarily have to be Jewish; in fact, many gentile girls have inevitably joined the ranks of the JAPs. However, for the purpose of this article, these shiksas will be considered JAPS, as they are from the same areas and have undoubtedly been influenced by their Jappy peers.

JAPs typically hail from what I like to call the “Prada Belt” of Long Island, which stretches from parts of Commack and Dix Hills, through the Plainview-Syosset-WoodburyJericho zone, into the heavily wooded and even more heavily taxed areas of Old Westbury, Muttontown, and the Brookvilles, then into the Roslyns (Hills, Heights, etc.), the Hills (East and North), and Manhasset, before finally coming to its end in Great Neck and Kings Point. There are more JAPs per square mile in these places than anywhere else, but do not be surprised if you find JAP pockets in other nice areas such as the Five Towns and Merrick although these places are way too far south on Long Island (about a 15 minute journey south of the LIE) to be considered a serious contender.

Now that we have listed some of the JAP’s stomping grounds, we must take a closer look at these neighborhoods in order to further

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our knowledge of the lifestyle of the JAP. Every JAP neighborhood must, I repeat, MUST have a plethora of bagel shops and Chinese food take-outs.

This is absolutely essential for the prolonged existence of the JAP, as it saves her from having to cook meals for her family so she can get back to her favorite activities, namely tennis, shopping at the Americana in Manhasset, botox injections, and cheating on her whipped, professional husband in the trunk of the cream-colored Porsche Cayenne that he paid for. Jappy neighborhoods are also home to pricey boutiques and small clothing shops that sell jeans for the price of a good LSAT score. These neighborhoods are also complete with more Jewish synagogues per square mile than people, and most are simply places for the alpha male of a JAP’s family to show off his new mid-life crisis inspired Mercedes convertible. Since I come from a JAP nest, Plainview, I can say from experience that the best places to spot JAPs are at the Plainview (and Jericho) Jewish Center, Lone Star Jeans, La Piazza (mostly a takeout eatery), Ralph’s Italian Ices, and Starbucks (who would’ve thought?).

At places like these, I have studied the interesting ways of the JAP, and have learned much about this peculiar species.

JAP girls have a very specific diet, which is not so obvious to the undisciplined mind. When you see a JAP with her salad, do not be quick to assume that she or her parents made it. Take a look under the package, and you will surely see an $8 price sticker on it, and where they bought it from (probably Fairway or Whole Foods).

Never will you see a JAP with a sandwich, as those are an absolute mess to eat. The dinner options for a JAP are limited to a Philly Roll from one of

the many sushi places in the area, or sesame chicken from the local Chinese food take-out. Beverage options are just as predictable, usually being either a Diet Peach Snapple or an overpriced smoothie from one of those gimmicky places that charge $6 for a 12 oz. size.

However, diet is not nearly the most distinguishable aspect of a JAP’s life.

A JAP’s personal appearance, whether it is at the bagel shop or behind the wheel of her navy blue Jetta or Audi A4, is to her like penis size is to Ron Jeremy. It is THAT essential. Leave it to a JAP to gracefully match any article of clothing in any color, as long as it’s in style.

JAPs are so good with fashion, that they somehow can match Chestnut color Ugg boots with everything from ripped sweatpants to their night-out-inManhattan clothes. But not only do the clothes look good, the JAPs look great in them. No matter what the situation, their jeans always fit perfectly and have cool designs, and the ones who choose to wear So Low pants never cease to amaze. With their many hours at the gym and tanning salon, and their undeniable mastery of bronzer (as opposed to blush), JAPs are among the most attractive girls this side of the pond.

Besides beauty, JAPs also bring an awesome ability to have fun and, at times, outlandish antics that keep everyone in their presence entertained. Whether it be crying on the phone with their dad or trying to back out of a tight parking spot, a good laugh is never far from these girls (I do not mean for this to be insulting to JAPs, as I believe them to be more genuine than half of the “sophisticated and independent” girls I have encountered at Binghamton University).

Now that we have taken a closer look at the life of the JAP, Binghamton Review, March 2007

we must work to establish a suitable habitat for them here in Binghamton.

Besides the obvious dietary accommodations that must be made (the Union’s “Chinese” food just won’t cut it), the school must receive a makeover, and overhaul its image. We must change the school colors to ones that would look cool on oversized, ripped sweatshirts, so we could join the ranks of current JAP havens Delaware, Michigan, and Maryland. The school should also jack up the price of tuition, so it won’t look like that cheap school nobody wants to go to. Also, we should establish a football team, so JAPs could paint their faces for homecoming and pretend root for a team, even if it blows. These simple changes can certainly hasten the coming of JAPs, and once some of them come, mass migration should follow.

Before I end my first solo article for Binghamton Review (assuming this crap makes it to print), I want to conclude with what I have learned about my own JAP experiences growing up in Plainview. I think I have finally figured out what makes home so special, and it is not merely waking up to a clean toilet seat and bagels on the table, although that is nice. Part of what makes home so great is the fact that I am exposed to the JAPs I grew up with. I will always have a place in my heart for them. However, this extreme exposure to JAPs will probably not play such a role in my life from now on, as I am moving away from Plainview, probably to Queens. While there will be no shortage of Jewish girls where I will be, it just will never be the same.

-Adam Zabary is a Junior at Binghamton University. He spends most of his time in Newing Dining Hall, for obvious reasons.

12

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Tuxedos and Tailoring

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-Tuxedo Rentals & Sales -Complete Alteration for Men & Women -Dry Cleaning Charbel’s

Campus

U-Plaza

Located at 4513 Old Vestal Rd (607) 729-7953 charbels@stny.rr.com

--Cabaret-At The Edge Of The World April 12th 9 pm Susquehanna Room

Genocide: a terrible truth of the past and the present but should not be the future In light of Yom Hashoah and Darfur, the Cabaret will be a series of performances to commemorate those perished by genocide.

Holocaust Remembrance Day is April 15th. A 24 hour vigil will take place in the Tillman Lobby starting with a commemoration ceremony beginning at 7pm in UU 133 followed by the readings of those who died in Auschwitz from 8pm April 15-April 16th in the Tillman Lobby.

Brought to you by

Binghamton Review, March 2007

SA Chartered

Lighten Up

13

Some Serious Fun

I

How to Fix the Ills of Our Student Association

by Eric Katz

t’s times like these that individuals evaluate the system as it is. I’ve read editorials about the SA in the Free Press (disclosure: I’m the Business Manager of that paper), Pipe Dream, and the Review. I’ve heard countless individuals talk about the Student Association as a useless student government more concerned with its own ego than the interests of the students. Sometimes I worry that these conclusions could be true.

Still, I’m not here to talk about the problem. I’d like to propose a solution that members of the Student Association, and especially the Student Assembly, can easily adopt to improve our government.

I propose one a central theme to students; professionalism and discussion.

The Student Association is like a local government, plain and simple. In a village of 11,000 constituents, “Binghamtonville” has a multi-layered local government consisting of a specialized, 6 member Executive Board, elected by the students at large with a central President or “Mayor” of Binghamtonville. We also have a more widely elected legislature, which represents the main neighborhoods of our community. Finally we also have a Judicial Branch who, approved by the legislature, reigns over constitutional questions of our town charter. This metaphor may seem a tad contrived and quite frankly silly, but it’s an important metaphor to understand. When you view the Student Association as a local government, where constitu-

encies’ pay 170 dollars a year in taxes and are providesd basic services and legal support, then you understand the necessity of professionalism.

Professionalism is to understand that your job representing students and dealing with a multi-million dollar budget requires carrying yourself like a working adult. It means that not every issue on the Assembly requires jokes and gags.

It requires a basic understanding of Roberts Rules of Order, the system of rules that govern parliamentary action on the assembly, in order to run efficient meetings. Assembly members should act like business professionals when hearing resolutions or conducting general business. Far too often, members of the Assembly are more interested in how long the meeting takes and what their friends are voting for.

Lately, I believe that more individuals have actually thought cogently about some legislation and, as a result, we’ve held meaningful discussion on important student issues.

Yet it’s more than just members of the Assembly. Individuals on the Executive Board put personal friendship above the professional working spirit of the Student Association. Say what you want about the Belsky/Bass slander debacle. We will probably never know what exactly was said.

Despite this, because of personal friendships with Belsky, the rest of the E-board thinks that Bass is a hateful blackmailer and complains about working with him. There

Binghamton Review, March 2007

have even been talks of impeaching Bass for creating “an intolerant, hateful environment on the E-Board”. All I can say is: give me a break.

If the Executive Board takes everything personally and is putting personal alliances over the professional working spirit of the Student Association, then the root of the huge problems with our government are clear. Despite the allegations the members of the E-Board have a responsibility to work together in providing positive programming, such as the VPMA and VPUP working together on Arthur Romano, or the AVP and VPMA working on the Yellow Ribbon suicide awareness week.

Refusing to work with a fellow SA leader is unacceptable. Do the members of the E-board think that when this type of unproven incident occurs in the professional world, they can just stop working with their colleagues?

Discussion is necessary in the Student Association, too. Far too often things are done without fully discussing all the options and implications. I’m not going to touch the positives or negatives of buying a flat screen TV, but I do know that if the Executive Board had actually talked about this idea with the Assembly or even a few of their community constituents they would have heard some different opinions on the merits of its purchase. There are always differing opinions, and the Assembly exists to provide a forum for listening to the contrary opinions of different

14 political persuasions and coming to action based on the best merits of the argument. That’s why we sit on the Assembly, to represent individuals in long meetings. That’s representative democracy.

Yet sometimes, we in government need to kick back, have a beer, and just take it easy.

Some of us take our government all too seriously. Regardless of the “Binghamtonville” analogy, we remain college students, and our government is still representing the interests of but a narrow portion of our lives. One of the big problems with our government is we take things so personally that any type of argument against our cause is seen as personal slander. Individuals are more interested in defending their friends against perceived personal attacks then looking at the facts.

Last year I wrote a resolution to censure one of the Executive Board members. That resolution failed, and rightfully so. The

Assembly argued, convincingly, that the action my sponsors and I were complaining about was not truly an abuse. After that event, the member of the Executive Board that we wrote against took the attack as purely personal, no matter how many times we explained it was a criticism of him as an Executive Board member, and not as an individual. When individuals take criticism personally, they lose the professionalism and the fun of being in the Student Association.

I have to agree with Matt Zeidel and Pipe Dream in this regard; the greatest benefit to the SA Getaway was the drinking party that brought people together.

When SA governmental types get together, drink and have fun, we learn to cross our sensitive boundaries and realize that we can disagree without hating each other.

We realize that the Student Assembly is as much a social organization as it is a political one. We see

that we can be friends with everyone on the assembly and not have personal factions that divide us in two.

Despite these issues I have hope for next year’s Assembly and the future of the SA in general. I know right now we’re off to an auspicious start after all the election nonsense, but I truly believe that the individuals involved in the SA are beginning to see the necessity of professionalism, discussion and fun. I can only hope that this incident involving our Presidential candidates doesn’t become a black eye on the legitimacy of the SA. Once the students stop believing in our government, the administration will place no weight in its efforts.

That would truly be a dark day for all students.

-Eric Katz is a Junior at Binghamton University. Henry Robert is never far from his thoughts.

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Binghamton Review, March 2007

BREAKING NEWS!!!

SA Presidential Candidates Put Aside Their Differences and Try Working More Closely Together

Binghamton Review

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