EXAMPLES OF BOUNDARY SETTING

Anger: "I will not allow myself to be yelled at. If you continue to yell at me, I will leave the room and end this meeting."

“When you yell at me it feels abusive. I am going to take a time out and leave this conversation.”

Take Your Own Time - "I have a policy of not making snap decisions. I need time to think and reflect on what I want to do. If you need an immediate answer, it will be “No!" If you are willing to wait for me to think about this decision, there may be another answer.”

Criticism - "It's not okay with me for you to make critical comments about my (weight, age, race, gender, diet, sexual preference, relationship choices, religion, political affiliation, etc.). Please stop. If you don’t, I won't be able to continue this conversation."

Expectations of Helping - "Although this is an important issue to me and I appreciate you asking for my help, in order to take care of myself (and/or my family), I must decline your request for my help at this time.”

Money - "I won't be lending you any more money. I care about you and believe that you can empower yourself by starting to take responsibility for yourself." (NOTE: In this regard, my personal boundary rule is that I never “loan” money to anyone. I do, on the other hand, find joy in “gifting” people which avoids all the entanglements of expectations of repayment.)

Enforcing Your Boundaries

Keep expressing your boundaries clearly and non-emotionally over and over again if necessary. Simply and clearly outline the actions you are willing to take if boundaries are not respected. Only if you determine it is safe, you may consider negotiation on YOUR terms.

Examples Of Consequences For Disresepected Boundaries

"If you break plans with me by not showing up or calling me, I will reflect to you the effect of your behaviors and let you know how I feel."

"If you repeat this behavior, I will consider it to mean that you do not value my friendship and I will have no further contact with you for (a period of time of your choosing)."

"If you continue (offensive behavior) I will leave the (room, house, car, store, etc.) or ask you to leave."

"If you continue to repeat the behavior, I will consider all of my options including leaving the relationship."

"If you continue to ignore my solutions or suggestions, I will assume that you are not interested in receiving help from me and I will stop offering advice or trying to help you solve your problems."

Further Guidelines For Setting A Boundary

Back up boundary setting with clear, consistent, purposeful action.

Be direct, firm and gracious. Boundaries can be set with strong lovingkindness!

Don't debate, defend or over-explain. Keep it simple, direct, and clear. State your boundary and then focus on your breath. Stay present in your body with the moment.

Support. It may be helpful to have a support person with you the first few times you set difficult boundaries.

Stay Strong, Don't Give In. Review the benefits of boundary setting. It is not enough to set boundaries; it is necessary to be willing to do whatever it takes to enforce them.

BOUNDARIES ARE NOT RIGID WALLS OR REJECTION. They are permeable barriers or gateways. YOU are the Gatekeeper of your boundaries. You let in what you want in and let out what you want out. This is a central feature of self-compassion and honoring your True Nature.