THE SECRET INSTALLER

Jocky Flaming Wilson! … beware the perils of small talk

Imagine the scenario, we’ve all been there, its mid-afternoon and you’ve been cracking on all day trying to get the island unit of this new open-plan kitchen your installing completed so you can get home for the weekend.

You’re just fitting the hob when the homeowner, a nice enough fella, makes himself a cup of tea and then springs it on you that he has made one for you too. Reluctantly you feel obliged to accept and then the guy wants to make small talk, this happened to me last week and this is how the conversation went:

H (homeowner) “So how long have you been fitting kitchens then?” M (me) “About 15 years now”

H “Enjoy it?” “Yeah, it pays the bills” “What are your plans for the weekend?” “I might be back here just to finish off in the morning and then I’ll take my son to footie in the afternoon” “Who do you watch?” “He doesn’t watch, I watch him, he plays for his local team” “That’s nice, we’re a sporting family as well you know" “Actually, I had noticed all the darts trophies in your display cabinet” “Yeah, there’s a few aren’t there” (he says grinning)

M “Well you must be good mate cause I noticed that photo on the mantelpiece of you with Jocky Wilson”

Uncomfortable pause...

H “That’s not Jocky Wilson that’s my wife!”

There was no way back from there, I wished the ground had opened up. I never did like Jocky Flaming Wilson!