Seagulls get own lunch cart Coach E caught speeding in golf cart

BY DANNY CONWAY Staff Reporter

“Screw this, I’m out,” Coach E said, just before speeding off into the distance, leaving nothing but a trail of diesel gasoline and heartlessness.

BY JAKE ROTHSTEIN

Seagull Analyst

Burlingame has recently announced a groundbreaking new lunchtime addition — a dedicated lunch station for seagulls. The move comes after a recent spike in reported food theft from seagulls and aims to revolutionize the way these feathered fiends enjoy their midday meal.

According to the school administration, the decision was finally made after a year of closely observing the behavior of the seagulls that frequent the campus.

“With new administration comes new policies, and seagulls are certainly no exception,” Principal Jen Fong said. “Throughout the school year, we noticed these birds were often scavenging for food both in trash cans and stealing out of students’ hands, which can be dangerous for both the birds and the students. Our goal with this new program is to create a safe and healthy environment for all students and birds alike.”

The new lunch station features a variety of bird-friendly foods, including fresh fish, bird seed and school pizza — a Burlingame seagull staple. The station is also equipped with two water fountains and a shaded area for the seagulls to rest and socialize.

Though with all good things comes its drawbacks, and when allocating funds for the new bird cart, cuts were made to the existing school lunch budget.

“I understand the need to solve the seagull problem, but if budget cuts were made to the school lunch program, we would only be able to serve lunch and cut out brunch entirely,” cafeteria manager Vicki Ottoboni said.

Despite concerns, school officials remain optimistic about the new lunch station.

“As one of the most prominent issues at our high school we believe that by providing a safe and healthy environment for the seagulls, we can reduce the likelihood of conflicts between birds and humans,” Fong said.

So if you find yourself at Burlingame and happen to see a seagull enjoying a fresh piece of salmon, don’t be alarmed — it’s all part of the new lunchtime experience.

The troubles began for E during an incident early last week. E, who has a notoriously small bladder, had what he described as a “dire need to urinate.” Unfortunately for E, all restrooms, including staff and gender neutral ones, were closed due to misuse. E frantically drove his golf cart, (which he uses to transport around campus) in an attempt to find an open toilet, reaching speeds of up to 50 mph before eventually colliding with colleague Coach Rich.

“As a longtime friend of Coach E’s, this was very disappointing,” school mascot Peanut the Panther said. “But, to be fair, the bastard should have gotten out of the way.”

The most troubling part of the incident, however, was the lack of remorse E showed. Rather than caring for Rich, E threw what witnesses described as a “temper tantrum” after the donuts he had just bought from Royal Donut went flying on impact.

“Coach E works hard all day. He drives, he lifts, he deserves donuts. That’s all Coach E looks forward to: his donuts,” said English and Journalism teacher Melissa Murphy.

E’s frequent visits to the local donut shop Royal Donut have also been put in a different light after the incident. What be- gan as a wholesome tradition has evolved into a health concern for students.

“He comes in every day and buys at least a few dozen donuts,” said Royal Donut owner Johnny Donut, “he is easily our most loyal customer.”

Coach E takes pride in handing these donuts out to Burlingame students, causing the health of Panthers to plummet.

Burlingame students rank dead-last in mile time, cholesterol health and obesity rate in the San Mateo Union High School District. There has also been an alarming increase in Burlingame diabetics since E’s tenure at Burlingame, and several teachers have reported an unusual amount of chocolate frosting and powdered sugar on desks.

But when did that tenure begin? Coach E bizarrely claims that he has been working at Burlingame since the mid 1960s, but Principal Jen Fong discovered that E is nowhere to be found in the district’s list of employees.

Don’t worry, though: In her seventh email blast of the week, Fong announced that Coach E will be given a role in Burlingame’s cafeteria, baking and distributing low carb and sugar health donuts as an alternative to the fattening treat Burlingame students have become accustomed to stuffing their faces with.