3 minute read
A Pair of Kings Makes a Full House
The COWBOY And His MOM
A Cowboy and His Mom - John and Pat King
By Lisa Sydnor
For me, this story began with a call from John, a tired and frightened son looking for services and advice as the caregiver for his mother. John was trying to navigate the fine line between too much or not enough! What is too much input into mom’s life or when is it not enough? How can I help if she won’t listen? I assured John that his feelings of helplessness, anger, depression, loneliness, isolation and fear were normal and that first, and foremost, he needed to take care of himself. It has been a struggle. Our goal was for John and his mother, Pat, both, to know they are not alone in this journey.
One giant step backwards...
Let’s step back seven years to when circumstances drove a wedge between mother and son. John is the only child of Pat and Bob King, they adopted him at two days old. His dad, Bob, died in 2003. Pat remarried in 2005. Her son felt that her second husband seemed to want to control all aspects of her life. To say that he and John did not get along would be an understatement. There was a great deal of animosity between the two men for eight years. John finally could not stand by and watch his mom go through an abusive marriage any longer.
Cows, boy!
He did not see his mother again until his stepfather’s death in 2017. John came back for the funeral - to be there for his mom. Seeing him again was a great weight off Pat’s mind. She was worried about him and with no contact for seven years, she had been afraid she would never see him again. John was concerned about Pat’s health. She was the caregiver for his stepfather through his illness and was now in a very fragile state. After the service, John returned to Abilene, TX. They talked several times a week, slowly rebuilding their relationship. Adding to the family dynamics, John is a recovering addict. When I asked what his addiction is, he stated, “Everything. Anything. Drugs, alcohol, women, gambling, money, sex, work. Anything in excess can ruin your life, I was addicted.” Back in Abilene after the funeral, John continued the life he had built after losing everything to his addiction. He says that prior to arriving in Abilene, he was hopeless, busted, disgusted and couldn’t be trusted. But here he was, employed with a good company and building a side business as a farrier (horse shoeing).
Pat’s health continued to decline and a family moved in to care for her. John couldn’t get satisfactory information from the caretakers so he came back to Norman to check on her. What he found was a shock. Pat was too weak to care for herself, deeply depressed and unable to make decisions. This weighed heavily on John; so he left his job, family and friends in Abilene to return to Norman to be with his mom.
John stated, “Those who were living with mom as friends and caretakers were only enabling her to continue staying isolated and living unhealthy as long as they could live there with her. I was finding out about health issues after the fact and feared that one day I would lose her if I didn’t get involved - quick. Mom became willing with the hope that I was there till the end, from now on. It wasn’t easy because of all the past harm, but we both were doing the best we could.
Life's arena.
My primary purpose wasn’t to fight mom at every turn but instead to love her and help her. This required me asking for help from others.
Read more about the King's caregiving journey inside the February digital copy of Caregiver Magazine!
