The Joys of Caregiving

Yes, you read that title correctly. Many times I write about the challenges caregivers face or the practical chores that need to be done every day. Most choose to become a family caregiver because of the love you have received from a family member who has raised or taken care of you.

Dave, my family member, developed dementia at age 75. He could still talk but it sometimes felt like talking to a child. When I visited, I took Dave out to give his wife a break. “Do you have your wallet and house key, and are you wearing your depends?” I asked. Dave checked everything and made sure his suspenders were holding up his pants. All his adult life Dave was known for his colorful suspenders.

First, we went to the grocery store. Dave only needed to pick up some Aspercreme but we had to go to the Deli counter first. “Hi Sally, how is your grandchild,” Dave would say a little too loudly. Sally’s face lit up. Dave even with his fading memory still remembered her and their last conversation. She felt a connection with him. He picked up the Aspercreme and made sure to pick the checkout line that Mike was running. “Hi Mike, how is the landscaping around your house going?” Mike replied, “I am almost finished and the plant food you told me to buy has helped my roses.” Dave used to be a landscaper.

Next, we went to a hardware store. Dave just enjoyed walking around with all the tools nearby. Lastly, Dave went by the old firehouse he had volunteered for before his wife had taken away the car keys. I had to meet the five firemen on duty and hear all about their families. Next to the house was a ranch with a donkey who came up to the fence. Of course, the donkey got an apple we had brought along.

It was an enjoyable day. What all these people had in common was that Dave had crocheted everyone and their family member’s scarves. When Dave was sitting at home watching television he crocheted scarves. After giving them all to family and friends some people took the extra and gave them away to the homeless. Dave’s wife enjoyed a day off without being asked the same question over and over again.

There is sadness that the Dave we all knew was fading, but the loving caring Dave still shone through despite the memory loss. At first, we brought in home care two days a week to give Mary, Dave’s wife a break. Eventually, Dave went to an adult day center three times a week. He had a chance to talk to individuals like himself as many friends did not know how to relate to Dave. He would come home with his backpack sometimes full of his monthly pills and tell us about his day.

“Allen and Jack had played spades and it was fun to watch them Dave exclaimed. “The chaplain talked about Joseph going down to Egypt then we prayed.” That was Dave’s favorite part of the day because of his incontinence and memory loss group church was no longer an option for Dave. Of course, whenever Dave was home we kept him stocked in yarn to crochet scarves. He began mixing all different colors together not able to remember how to color coordinate. He also made some short and wide and others long and skinny. We accepted these gifts as Dave was still contributing to society.

Dave had other health problems. He had constant pain in his feet and his arthritis made walking hard. Medications to treat those problems made him fall. He never complained but as his memory faded he found it harder to cope with the pain. His care needs became too hard for his wife and he moved into a memory care community. He was set up in a corner with his yarn and made scarves for all the workers.

Eventually, Dave developed a massive infection and his quality of life deteriorated. His wife made the unselfish decision to place Dave on hospice where he passed peacefully.

At the funeral friends and family gathered wearing our scarves, imperfect though they were to celebrate someone who gave even when their memory was fading. There were hard moments and stress that come to all families who are caregivers. Yet in those hard times, we can find the joy of enjoying that person where they are at.