Satire 2020 Edition
BETH TFILOH: UNDERSIEGE Chaim b. '21 On M ay 14, 2019, a fleet of bicycles and elephants occupied Beth Tfiloh gr ounds, intending to use the site for their ow n nefar ious pur poses. Adm in com m anded all students and faculty to hide in the seven caver ns below the school, w hile they w ent out to par ley. They did not r etur n. The Gr and Ar chive is now pr oducing a study of the
Because JIM is alw ays w atching. W hat follow s is the last tr ansm ission that m ade it out befor e w e w er e silenced. M ay 17, 2019, 1410 h r s: Live dispatch fr om flag-bear er Jam es Hibiscus, com ing to you str aight fr om the Thir d Hold. Ther e ar e
tw elve difficult w eeks that follow ed the attack, based
about tw enty of us cr am m ed in her e betw een the lithe
on the tr ansm issions fr om the under gr ound, the status
ser pents and the m ountainous w yr m s and gr eat
r epor ts of the enemy?s foot soldier s, and the testim ony
w yr m s, huddling ar ound the eggs in the center of the
of the Lynxes. As head of this study, you w ill need to
r oom for w ar m th. M ost of the supplies w e br ought
select w hich docum ents w ill be used. Hence w e send
dow n m er ely thr ee hour s ago have been sw allow ed up
you, tw o by tw o, all the m ater ial w e could find fr om
by the little dr akes that ar e now clam ber ing all over
the long w eeks w hen w e w er e under siege. Never let
our suitcases, our r adios, and our legs.
them out of your sight.
Steady footsteps can be hear d fr om the hallw ay that connects us to Tor tur e Center 5. The dr akes begin to hiss w ith unease. Suddenly a figur e appear s in the door w ay, flanked by tw o giant badger s, w ho sniff ar ound the r oom in excitem ent. As they str ide into the vast caver n, even the Elder Wyr m , Nil Rubens, show s signs of fear. And w ith good r eason. Because it is JIM w ho has found us, and JIM never show s m er cy. What follows is the report from Agent S, JIM hunter squad ?G, to her superiors. M ay 22, 2019, 0233 h r s: After thr ee hour s of w r angling, all of our new acquisitions ar e finally tucked into bed. The canines show ed a sm all m easur e of r esistance, but by tom or r ow they w ill be as docile as the tulips. The Ray unit is slow ly cooling back dow n, w hich is a r elief - I thought that the Elder Wyr m w ould take it dow n for sur e, and then I?d have to place an or der for
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