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PRE-PLANNING & BEREAVEMENT GUIDE

Contents Page 4 .....................................................Welcome Page 5 ..................................................... Our Staff Page 6 .............................................. Our Facilities Page 7 ...................................................... Services Page 11 .......................................Veteran Services Page 13 .......................................................F.A.Q’s Page 15 ........................................Planning Ahead Page 22 .............................................. Legal Issues Page 24 ........................................... What is Grief? Page 29 ...........................Local Business Partners

Welcome to White Pine Funeral Services We invite you to discover who has made White Pine Funeral Services the ultimate provider of creating healing experiences in the community. This guide contains the heritage, vision, and the people behind White Pine Funeral Service’s reputation of quality, sincerity, and trust.

Our main goal is to provide our client families with memorable remembrance experiences, celebrations of their loved one’s life, and the memorialization of the time they shared. We offer funeral home and cremation services in Cache Valley and surrounding areas.

White Pine Funeral Services is the primary provider of funeral and cremation services that create a healing experience for families and their loved ones. With our many years of experience in caring for people from all walks of life, you can expect compassionate care, high integrity, and excellence in service.

White Pine Funeral Services 753 S 100 E Logan, UT 84321 Phone: (435) 709-6800 Email: info@whitepinefunerals.com

Our Valued Staff We have years of experience caring for families, from all walks of life. Each family comes to us because they know we are leaders in our profession, dedicated to excellence in service, and have the highest integrity.

James Stephens A Wisconsin native, James graduated from USU with a BA in Spanish and Business and has lived in Cache Valley for nearly a decade. He also earned a degree in Mortuary Science. James and his wife, Alexis, have made Cache Valley their home, and have two sons, Weston and Jack. He discovered his passion for funeral work here in the valley and has since managed three different funeral homes. He is excited to make White Pine his permanent destination and looks forward to serving a community that has given him so much. James takes great pride in serving families, ensuring that their experiences are exactly what they envision for their loved ones.

Mark Thurston Mark has been in the funeral industry for over 21 years. He was raised in Hyde Park, Utah and graduated from Sky View High School and Utah State University. He and his wife, Tenley, have 5 children. They reside in Smithfield, Utah.

Britten Atkinson Britten is an Apprentice Funeral Director. He grew up in Franklin, Idaho and graduated from Preston High School in 2018. He is passionate about serving families and working in the funeral industry. He is pursuing a degree in Mortuary Science at Salt Lake Community College. He recently married his high school sweetheart, Kambree, and they currently reside in Logan, Utah.

Melanie Christy Melanie is a Family Care Counselor and the newest member of the White Pine Funeral Services family. While raising her 5 children Melanie worked as a home-based travel agent, and she will tell you she’s still helping people with travel plans…it’s just a different destination.” Melanie has been a Family Care Counselor for the past 12 years, helping families make funeral decisions before they’re needed and assisting them with estate concerns after someone has passed. Melanie will also be assisting with community outreach events, health fairs, and seminars. Married to David for 43 years, Melanie and her husband enjoy remodeling their home in Wellsville and spending time with their 18 grandchildren. 5

Our Facilities The spacious new funeral home - decorated in soft, warm hues, tastefully-appointed and furnished in neutral and natural tones - is as inviting as it is comfortable.

Our Services White Pine Funeral Services, offers distinctive, personal, and affordable services designed to help you honor your loved one in a way that is unique to them and meaningful to you.

Traditional Services

Cremation Services

Whether you choose burial or cremation, a funeral service is an important part of honoring your loved one and starting the healing process. We offer service options that are meaningful and affordable.

We offer several service options for families that choose cremation which can include a full service funeral, a memorial service, or something more private, as well as permanent resting place options for the cremated remains.

Personalization Our funeral directors are experts in helping to create meaningful services that are unique and honor your loved one in ways that are special and meaningful. We offer several ways to personalize a service from tribute videos to keepsakes, to live streaming for family and friends that cannot attend in person.

Veterans Services There is no greater honor than serving those who have served our country. We help you get the benefits and provide a service worthy of a veteran.

Visitation

Funeral Service

This time is set aside for family and friends to gather together to say goodbye, while being in the comfort of those closest to them. We can personalize the visitation to be as unique as your loved one with a tribute video, items or displays that were important to your loved one, or simply pictures displayed. We will work with your family to design the perfect gathering experience.

The funeral service can be held in our chapel, a church, or any other venue the family chooses. We work with our families to design a service that honors their loved one with stories, music, or scripture. We also have life celebrants that lead services where clergy may not be chosen. Our celebrants are trained in creating experiences that help start the healing process.

Graveside Service A graveside or committal service is typically held immediately following the funeral service but it can also be a small intimate gathering of those closest to you.

Headstone/Burial Placing the Urn in a Columbarium (aka, a “niche”) Many families find comfort in having a final resting place that they can visit.

Traditional Funeral Service followed by Cremation

Memorial Service

Many families find meaning and beauty in a traditional funeral service. With a traditional service combined with cremation, you can still choose to have a final viewing, visitation or wake, and a funeral service. However instead of in-ground burial, the funeral will be followed by cremation. Depending on your wishes, the ashes may be either returned to your family for storage in an urn, scattered, or interred in a columbarium. This option will include fees for the funeral services as well as the fees associated with the cremation itself.

Burying the Urn Similar to a casket, the in-ground burial of the urn allows for a final resting place.

Scattering the ashes Some families find comfort scattering the cremated remains in a place that was special to their loved one.

Personalization Services

Artwork

When searching for ways to personalize a funeral service, remember the moments you spent with the person and try to highlight the qualities that she or he are remembered for. Consider hobbies, subjects of interest and places where the person spent much of his or her time. It can help to make lists of their passions, achievements and memories you shared together. There are a number of ways that these lists can be incorporated into a service:

Artwork of the deceased or art created in tribute is a beautiful addition to a service. Sculptures, a slideshow of drawings or displaying artwork throughout the funeral home helps people learn more about a life that was cherished.

Photos and albums There are many opportunities to display photos at a funeral service. Poster boards with photo collages can be placed on easels for display. Flat screen TV monitors can be used to display pictures or a slideshow during calling hours or just prior to the services. Photographs can be printed in the memorial folders, registry book or on urns. Videos A DVD video is a wonderful way to share your loved one’s life with others. It can be personalized with your special photos and music. These videos become keepsakes that you can share with your family for generations.

Music Live or pre-recorded music can be relaxing and comforting to those who have come to the service. Some other ways music can be used, is to record a CD with the deceased’s favorite songs or songs that he or she wrote or to have musically inclined family or friends perform at the funeral service. Readings of Poetry & Literature Passages from the deceased’s favorite books or poems that capture the essence of life help create a service infused with wisdom and words to remember. You can also invite friends and family members to read passages or poems of their choice or write their own pieces to share.

Veteran Services

Many of us take our freedoms for granted, but our staff at White Pine Funeral Services proudly acknowledges the sacrifices made by those who have served our country through their patriotism, love of country and willingness to protect others. Our staff is committed to providing quality service and professional assistance to help families complete the necessary forms to obtain benefits that are provided through the United States Department of Veterans Affairs for deceased veterans.

What are VA burial benefits and memorial items? The VA burial benefits are designed to assist service members, veterans, and their families plan and pay for a burial or memorial service in a VA national cemetery. Memorial items are provided through the Veterans Affairs to honor the service of those who have served the country.

Who qualifies for burial benefits and burial in a national cemetery? • Veterans, service members, spouses, and dependents may be eligible for burial in a VA national cemetery, as well as other benefits, if they meet one of the requirements listed below: • A veteran who didn’t receive a dishonorable discharge • A service member who died while on active duty, active duty for training, or inactive duty for training • The spouse or minor child of a veteran, even if the veteran died first • In some cases, the unmarried adult dependent child of a veteran

What are military funeral honors and a committal service? Military funeral honors include the playing of “Taps,” a rifle detail, a color guard and uniformed service members who properly fold and present the United States flag to the family. These flags are typically given to the deceased’s next of kin or close friend. In order for the survivors to qualify to receive the burial flag, the veteran or reservist must be described by at least one of the following:

You must file a claim for a non-service-connected burial allowance within two years after the veteran’s burial or cremation. There is no time limit to file for a service-connected burial, plot or interment allowance. You can apply online at https://www.va.gov/burials-andmemorials/application/530/introduction or by mail after completing the VA Form 21P-530.

• Served in wartime • Died while serving on active duty after May 27, 1941 • Served after January 31, 1955 • Served in peacetime and left military service before June 27, 1950, after serving at least one enlistment or because of a disability that was caused - or made worse - by their active military service • Served in the Selected Reserves, or served in the military forces of the Philippines while in service of the United States and died on or after April 25, 1951.

What are burial benefits and how do I apply? The veterans death benefits help cover the burial, funeral and transportation costs associated with the deceased’s services and disposition. For those being buried in a national cemetery, survivors can receive assistance with the burial and funeral costs, the plot or internment, and the transporting of the veteran’s remains for burial.

A veteran who didn’t receive a dishonorable discharge or a service member who died while on active duty may be eligible for a headstone or marker if they meet certain requirements. To find out if your deceased loved one qualifies, visit https:// www.va.gov/burials-memorials/memorial-items/headstonesmarkers-medallions/

The Department of Veteran Affairs also provides a headstone for unmarked graves of an eligible deceased veteran at no charge. To request a headstone, grave marker, or niche marker, fill out the VA Form 10-1330 and send to: Department of Veteran Affairs 5109 Russell Road, Quantico, VA 22134-3903 For more information regarding VA burial benefits and memorial items, visit https://www.va.gov/burials-memorials/ or contact the VA office at 1-800-827-1000.

Frequently Asked Questions

We have heard lots of questions, and chosen to provide you with the answers to some of the more common questions relating to a funeral. What is a funeral? The funeral is a ceremony of proven worth and value for those who mourn. It provides an opportunity for the survivors and others who share in the loss to express their love, respect and grief. It permits facing openly and realistically the crisis that death may present. Through the funeral, the bereaved take that first step towards emotional adjustment to their loss. What type of service should I have? Only you can answer that question. The type of service conducted for the deceased, if not noted in a pre-plan, is decided by the family. The service is usually held at a place of worship or at the funeral home. The service may vary in ritual according to religious denomination or the wishes of the family. The presence of friends at this time is an acknowledgment of friendship and support. A private service is by invitation only where selected relatives and a few close friends attend the funeral service. A memorial service is usually a service without the body present and can vary in ceremony and procedures according to the family’s community and religious affiliations. Can I personalize my funeral service? Absolutely, in fact, we recommend it. After all, the funeral is a celebration of life. Funeral directors are happy to discuss all options and ensure your funeral is tailored to your wishes. It may be personalized in many unique ways. Contact us at (435) 709-6800 to explore the possibilities.

Why should we have a public viewing? There are many reasons to view the deceased. It is part of many cultural and ethnic traditions, and many grief specialists believe that viewing aids the grief process, by helping the bereaved recognize the reality of death. Viewing is even encouraged for children, as long as it is their desire to do so, and the process is explained well. Why do we need an obituary notice? It is helpful to friends and the community to have an obituary notice published announcing the death and type of service to be held. A notice can be placed in a local newspaper, or on the Internet. What do funeral directors do? Funeral directors are both caregivers and administrators. In their administrative duties, they make the arrangements for transportation of the body, complete all necessary paperwork, and implement the choices made by the family regarding the funeral and final disposition of the body. As caregivers, funeral directors are listeners, advisors and supporters. They have experience assisting the bereaved in coping with death. Funeral directors are trained to answer questions about grief, recognize when a person is having difficulty coping, and recommend sources of professional help. Funeral directors also link survivors with support groups at the funeral home or in the community. What should I do if the death occurs in the middle of the night or on the weekend? We are available 24 hours a day, seven days a week. All you need to do is place a call to us at (435) 709-6800. If you request immediate assistance, one of our professionals will be there within the hour. If the family wishes to spend a short time with the deceased to say good bye, it’s acceptable. Then they will come when your time is right.

What should I do if a death occurs while away from home? Your funeral director can assist you if a death occurs anywhere on the globe. Contact your hometown funeral director of choice immediately. They will assume responsibility and coordinate the arrangements for the return of the deceased person to their community. They may engage the services of a funeral director in the place of death who will act as their agent. What is the purpose of embalming? Embalming sanitizes and preserves the body, delays the decomposition process, and enhances the appearance of a body disfigured by traumatic death or illness. It makes it possible to lengthen the time between death and the final disposition, thus allowing family members time to arrange and participate in the type of service most comforting to them. Embalming the body enables mourners to view the deceased if they wish. The emotional benefits of viewing the deceased are enormous, particularly to those having difficulty dealing with the death. Is embalming mandatory by law? No. But, certain factors of time, health and possible legal requirements might make embalming either appropriate or necessary. Please note that embalming may be required if the deceased is being transported by air to another country where local laws need be observed. Is cremation a substitute for a funeral? No, cremation is an alternative to earth burial or entombment for the body’s final disposition and often follows a traditional funeral service. We can assist you with the necessary information for a funeral with a cremation following or a memorial service. Can I have a visitation period and a funeral service if cremation is chosen? Yes. Cremation does not preclude having a visitation period and a funeral service. Cremation is simply one option for final disposition of the body. Why are funerals so expensive? In some respects, funerals are a lot like weddings or birthday celebrations. The type and cost will vary according to the tastes and budget of the consumer. Not only that, a funeral home is a 24-hour, laborintensive business, with extensive facilities (viewing rooms, chapels, limousines, hearses, etc.), these expenses must be factored into the cost of a funeral. Moreover, the cost of a funeral includes not only merchandise, like caskets, but the services of a funeral director in making arrangements; filing appropriate forms; dealing with doctors, ministers, florists, newspapers and others; and seeing to all the necessary details. Contrary to popular belief, funeral homes are largely family-owned with a modest profit margin. 14

Planning Ahead

Benefits of Preplanning

Flexible Funding Options When you plan a funeral in advance there are more options when it comes to funding a funeral. Pre arrangements can be paid for with a pre need insurance policy, life insurance, or other payment options. At the time of death, services must be paid in full, so it’s important to understand your options ahead of time.

Peace of Mind All of your arrangements are guaranteed and will be carried out just as you have directed. You and your family can feel comfortable that although you won’t need the plans for years to come, when they are needed, they will be available and take care of. There is an immense peace knowing your wishes will be executed as you designed them, meaning those you care about will be able to remember you as you want them to.

Relieve the burden from loved ones Did you know that often more than 150 decisions and tasks must be completed within the first 24 to 48 hours after an individual’s passing? By arranging your final wishes ahead of time, you can ensure that your loved ones don’t have to wrestle over those details and decisions during their time of emotional upheaval. The ability to know everything is taken care of will allow proper remembrance and the first steps of healing.

Taking the time to make arrangements in advance is important for you and your loved ones. Doing so allows you to make logical, thoughtful arrangements your family will appreciate, as well as allowing you time to tend to every detail.

Make your Wishes Known Sadly, many families experience disputes and hard feelings when arranging for a loved one’s unexpected death. Because memories of the loved one’s wishes sometimes contradict each other, disagreements can easily arise. Such infighting and disunity can drive bitter emotions and damage the healing process. By making your plans now, your loved ones don’t have to guess at what you may have wanted; they will know you were remembered as you wanted to be.

Common Questions about Preplanning Can I transfer my plans to or from another funeral home? If you have plans at another funeral home and would like to move them here, we will help you do that. If you move from the area and would like to transfer your arrangements to another funeral home, we will assist you with that as well. For those wanting to transfer a Pre Need trust from another mortuary, we will absorb any revocation fee. There is no penalty or additional cost to you. What steps are involved in pre arranging a funeral? The first step would be to write down your wishes. Indicate if you would prefer burial or cremation. Write down your ideas for the service you would like, cemetery choice, etc. If you’ve made those choices, or even if you’re unsure, schedule a time to meet with one of our funeral directors who can explain the different service options, merchandise choices, as well as the different ways to pay for the funeral. What information do I need to prearrange a funeral? You’ll need information basic about yourself or the person you are planning for, such as date of birth, marital status, parent’s full names, etc. Besides the biological information, you’ll need to choose burial or cremation, what type of service you’d like, what cemetery to use, etc. Our caring staff will help you with this process.

Do I have to pay in advance? Preplanning is merely making your wishes known; however, most families who do this choose to pre-fund their funeral as well. Doing so will relieve the financial burden from your family and offers peace of mind to you.

To My Family And Loved Ones I wished to spare you as much anxiety, doubt and confusion as possible at the time of my death, so in this booklet, I have suggested some arrangements in advance.

The booklet also includes more personal material for eulogies, obituaries and other remembrances as well as advice and guidance on other important issues you may come across.

This booklet includes vital statistics, funeral service guidelines and cemetery requests, which are all important to share with the funeral director while assisting you to plan my service.

Please accept these arrangements in the spirit they are given: with love, hoping to give you comfort and help you to remember the times we shared.

Signature..........................................................................

Date...................................................................................

Witness.............................................................................

Date...................................................................................

Person to be notified first upon my death: Name.................................................................................

Notes.................................................................................

Relationship......................................................................

..........................................................................................

Address.............................................................................

..........................................................................................

Telephone.........................................................................

..........................................................................................

Information For Obituary Place of death...................................................................

Date of death....................................................................

Spouse..............................................................................

Married for number of years............................................

Children, their spouses and their places of residence

Siblings , their spouses and places of residence

..........................................................................................

Education..........................................................................

Special interests, hobbies & pets

..........................................................................................

Clubs & Lodges.................................................................

Memorial Donations

..........................................................................................

Vital Information About Me Full Name (First, Middle, Last)............................................................................................................................................... Address................................................................................................................................................................................... City.......................................................................................................................................................................................... County.................................................................................Postal Code................................................................................ Social Security Number......................................................................................................................................................... Date of Birth........................................................................Gender....................................................................................... Place of Birth (City, State)...................................................................................................................................................... Occupation............................................................................................................................................................................. Industry................................................................................................................................................................................... Military Service/Branch.......................................................................................................................................................... Marital Status.......................................................................................................................................................................... Maiden Name......................................................................................................................................................................... Name of Spouse (incl. Maiden Name)................................................................................................................................... Father’s Name......................................................................................................................................................................... Mother’s Name (incl. Maiden Name)..................................................................................................................................... Notes....................................................................................................................................................................................... ................................................................................................................................................................................................ ................................................................................................................................................................................................ My preference for the location of the Service or

Notes

Celebration of Life:

..........................................................................................

Funeral Home

..........................................................................................

Place of Worship

Outside Venue Other

Address of venue, place of worship or other location:

.......................................................................................... .......................................................................................... .......................................................................................... ..........................................................................................

..........................................................................................

Preferences For My Service Pallbearers

Name of Officiant.............................................................

1.........................................................................................

Family Prayer....................................................................

2.........................................................................................

Organist............................................................................

3.........................................................................................

Chorister...........................................................................

4.........................................................................................

Opening Song...................................................................

5.........................................................................................

Opening Prayer.................................................................

6......................................................................................... 7......................................................................................... 8......................................................................................... Honorary Pallbearers 1......................................................................................... 2......................................................................................... 3......................................................................................... 4.........................................................................................

Life Sketch........................................................................ Speaker............................................................................. Musical Selection.............................................................. Speaker............................................................................. Concluding Remarks........................................................ Closing Song..................................................................... Closing Prayer...................................................................

5......................................................................................... 6.........................................................................................

Graveside Services

7.........................................................................................

Cemetery..........................................................................

8.........................................................................................

Dedication of the Grave....................................................

Personal Life Review Community Organizations or Clubs that may participate

Some significant accomplishments in my life

..........................................................................................

One of my fondest memories

I would like the following religious beliefs expressed:

..........................................................................................

Favorite poem, verse or scripture

One of the greatest inspirations in my life

..........................................................................................

If I could live my life over again, I would change

..........................................................................................

Favorite places....................................................................................................................................................................... Favorite colour flower, food, etc............................................................................................................................................ I want my family to remember me for................................................................................................................................... A message to my family and friends...................................................................................................................................... ................................................................................................................................................................................................ ................................................................................................................................................................................................ Other notes............................................................................................................................................................................. ................................................................................................................................................................................................

The following are my wishes regarding my final resting place. Name of Cemetery................................................................................................................................................................. Address................................................................................................................................................................................... ................................................................................................................................................................................................ City/Town/Country................................................................................................................................................................. Property, Crypt or Niche Owned? Yes

If yes, specify location written on cemetery purchase agreement ................................................................................................................................................................................................ Final Resting Place

Inscription Instructions

Burial

.............................................................................................

Mausoleum

Interment following cremation

Reception Location:

Niche

Other.................................................................................

Funeral Home

..........................................................................................

Place of Service

Marker or Monument Purchased? Yes

Details...............................................................................

Outside Venue Other

Monument company name.................................................

Notes....................................................................................

..........................................................................................

Important Notes ................................................................................................................................................................................................ ................................................................................................................................................................................................ ................................................................................................................................................................................................ ................................................................................................................................................................................................ ................................................................................................................................................................................................ ................................................................................................................................................................................................ ................................................................................................................................................................................................ ................................................................................................................................................................................................ ................................................................................................................................................................................................ ................................................................................................................................................................................................ ................................................................................................................................................................................................ ................................................................................................................................................................................................ ................................................................................................................................................................................................ ................................................................................................................................................................................................ ................................................................................................................................................................................................ ................................................................................................................................................................................................ ................................................................................................................................................................................................ ................................................................................................................................................................................................ ................................................................................................................................................................................................ ................................................................................................................................................................................................ ................................................................................................................................................................................................

Legal Issues Wills, probate, joint property, estate taxes, selecting estate trustees/attorneys for property and personal care and other issues may appear somewhat intimidating at first. Fortunately, with a little guidance and preparation, dealing with such matters does not have to be so overwhelming. Planning ahead and revising your plan often will help avoid unnecessary grief and confusion in the end. ‘Estate Planning’ includes all of the following issues and documents. Wills A Last Will and Testament is one of the most important legal documents a person can create during his or her lifetime. If a person dies without a Will they are said to have died “intestate” and state laws will determine how and to whom the person’s assets will be distributed. If a person dies without a Will the beneficiaries can not dispute the court’s distribution of that person’s estate under the intestacy laws. Even if that person expressed different wishes verbally during their lifetime the statutes control the distribution. With a valid Will, a person can legally determine how their property will be distributed… and to whom. Most intestacy statutes distribute a deceased person’s assets between a surviving spouse and their children or to only the children if there is not a spouse. If there are no surviving children the assets then are generally distributed to extended family members.

Powers Of Attorney Power of attorney (POA) is a legal document granting authority to a trusted person to act on your behalf. That individual, called an attorney in fact, is empowered to manage your financial, business and legal affairs. Power of attorney can be broad or limited to specific matters. Depending on the terms, that person could: • Pay bills • Manage banking and investments • Sign documents • Make business decisions • Sell property • Hire professional help Powers of attorney can be granted at any time if you are ready to turn over the reins, or it can be set up to “spring” at a future point if and when you can no longer manage your own affairs. A durable power of attorney means that the powers endure after incapacity until you either recover or pass away.

Probate

Information Gathering

What is probate?

Upon death, one of the first things to do is to gather as much information as possible. It is important to look for and gather any Wills, deeds, financial documents, notes and insurance policies that the deceased may have.

When a person dies, their assets are distributed in the probate process. Probate is a general term for the entire process of administration of estates of deceased persons, including those without wills, with court supervision. If a person dies with a will, a petition to probate the will is filed with the probate court in the county where the deceased resided at the time of death, asking for letters testamentary to be issued, giving the executor authority to handle the estate affairs. If a person dies with a valid will, an executor is named to handle the distribution of the estate. If the person dies without a valid will, the court appoints an administrator to distribute the decedent’s assets according to the state’s laws of intestacy.

Before estate matters can be persued (i.e transferring a house or automobile, other legal matters), a copy of the death certificate is also required. Speak to the funeral home about obtaining certified copies of the death certificate (as some agencies will not accept photocopies).

The court will issue letters of administration, also called letters testamentary, to the administrator, giving the authority to handle the affairs of the deceased. An heirship affidavit may also be used to conduct estate affairs when a small estate is involved. In cases where the decedent didn’t own property valued at more than a certain amount, which varies by state, the estate may go through a small estate administration process, rather than the formal probate process.

What Is Grief?

“Grief is reaching out for someone who’s always been there, only to find when you need them the most, one last time, they’re gone.’’

As the days, weeks and months go by, the person who is experiencing loss moves through emotional and physical reactions that lead toward acceptance, healing and getting on with life as fully as possible.

The death of a loved one is life’s most painful event. People’s reactions to death remain one of society’s least understood and most off-limits topics for discussion. Often grievers are left totally alone in dealing with their pain, loneliness, and isolation.

Sometimes a person can be overwhelmed or bogged down in the grieving process. Serious losses are never easy to deal with, but someone who is having trouble beginning to actively re-engage in life after a few months, should consider getting professional help.

Grief is a natural emotion that follows death. It hurts. Sadness, denial, guilt, physical discomfort, and sleeplessness are some of the symptoms of grief. It is like an open wound that must heal. At time it seems as if this healing will never happen. While some of life’s spontaneity begins to return, it never seems to get back to the way it was. It is still incomplete. We know, however, that these feelings of being incomplete can disappear. Healing is a process of allowing ourselves to feel, experience, and accept the pain. In other words, we give ourselves permission to heal. Allowing ourselves to accept these feelings is the beginning of that process. The healing process can take much less time than we have been led to believe. There are two missing parts. One is a safe, loving, professionally guided atmosphere in which to express our feelings; the other is knowing how and what to communicate.

For example, if continual depression or physical symptoms such as loss of appetite, inability to sleep, or chronic lack of energy persists, it is probably time to see a doctor. Allow Yourself To Mourn Someone you love has died. You are now faced with the difficult , but important, need to mourn. Mourning is the open expression of your thoughts and feelings regarding the death and the person who has died. It is an essential part of healing. You are beginning a journey that is often frightening, painful, overwhelming and sometimes lonely. This section provides practical suggestions to help you move toward healing in your personal grief experience.

The Grieving Process

Realize Your Grief Is Unique

When we experience a major loss, grief is the normal and natural way our mind and body react. Everyone grieves differently, but at the same time there are common patterns people tend to share.

Your grief is unique. No one will grieve in exactly the same way. Your experience will be influenced by a variety of factors: the relationship you had with the person who died, the circumstances surrounding the death, your emotional support system, and your cultural and religious background.

For example, someone experiencing grief usually moves through a series of emotional stages, such as shock, numbness, guilt, anger, and denial. Physical responses are typical also, they can include: sleeplessness, inability to eat or concentrate, lack of energy, and lack of interest in activities previously enjoyed. Time always plays an important role in the grieving process.

As a result of these factors, you will grieve in your own special way. Don’t try to compare your experience with that of other people or to adopt assumptions about just how long your grief should last. Consider taking a ‘’one-day-at-a-time’’ approach that allows you to grieve at your own pace.

Talk About Your Grief

Be Tolerant Of Your Physical And Emotional Limits

Express your grief openly. By sharing your grief outside yourself, healing occurs. Ignoring your grief won’t make it go away; talking often makes you feel better. Allow yourself to speak from your heart, not just your head.

Your feelings of loss and sadness will probably leave you fatigued. Your ability to think clearly and make decisions may be impaired and your low energy levels may naturally slow you down. Respect what your body is telling you. Nurture yourself. Get daily rest. Eat balanced meals. Lighten your schedule as much as you can. Caring for you doesn’t mean feeling sorry for yourself; it means using your survival skills.

Doing so doesn’t mean you are losing control or going ‘’crazy.’’ It is a normal part of your grief journey. Find caring friends and relatives who will listen without judging. Seek out those persons who will walk ‘’with’’ not ‘’in front of’’ or ‘’behind’’ you in your journey through grief. Avoid people who are critical or try to steal your grief from you. They may tell you, ‘’keep your chin up’’ or ‘’carry on’’ or ‘’be happy.’’ While these comments may be well intended, you do not have to accept them. You have a right to express your grief; no one has the right to take it away. Expect To Feel A Multitude Of Emotions Experiencing a loss affects your head, heart, and spirit. So you may experience a variety of emotions as part of your grief. Confusion, disorganization, fear, guilt, relief, or explosive emotions are just a few of the emotions you may feel. Sometimes these emotions will follow each other within a short period of time, or they may occur simultaneously. As strange as some of these emotions may seem, they are normal and healthy. Allow yourself to learn from these feelings. And don’t be surprised if out of nowhere you suddenly experience surges of grief, even at the most unexpected times. These grief attacks can be frightening and leave you feeling overwhelmed. They are, however, a natural response to the death of someone loved. Find someone who understands your feelings and will allow you to talk about them. Allow For Numbness Feeling dazed or numb when someone loved dies is often part of your early grief experience. This numbness serves a valuable purpose: it gives your emotions time to catch up with what your mind has told you. This feeling helps create insulation from the reality of the death until you are more able to tolerate what you don’t want to believe.

Develop A Support System Reaching out to others and accepting support is often difficult, particularly when you hurt so much. But the most compassionate self-action you can do during this difficult time is to find a support system of caring friends and relatives who will provide the understanding you need. Find those people who encourage you to be yourself and acknowledge your feelings - both happy and sad. Make Use Of Ritual The funeral ritual does more than acknowledge the death of someone loved. It helps provide the support of caring people. Most importantly, the funeral is a way to express your grief outside yourself. If you eliminate this ritual, you often set yourself up to repress your feelings, and cheat everyone who cares a chance to pay tribute to someone who was, and always will be, loved. Embrace Your Spirituality If faith is part of your life, express it in ways that seem appropriate to you. Allow yourself to be around people who understand and support your religious beliefs. If you are angry with God because of the death of someone you loved, recognize this feeling as a normal part of your grieving process. Find someone to talk with who won’t be critical of whatever thoughts and feelings you need to explore. You may hear someone say, ‘’With faith, you don’t need to grieve.’’ Don’t believe it. Having your personal faith does not insulate you from needing to talk out and explore your thoughts and feelings. To deny your grief is to invite problems that build up inside you. Express your faith, but express your grief as well.

Allow A Search For Meaning

Accepting A Loss

You may find yourself asking, “Why did he/she die?” “Why this way?” “Why now?” This search for meaning is another normal part of the healing process. Some questions have answers, some do not. Actually, the healing occurs in the opportunity to pose the questions, not necessarily in answering them. Find a supportive friend who will listen responsively as you search for meaning.

For each of us - rich or poor, young or old - there are times in our lives when we must face and deal with personal losses along with the pain and sorrow they cause. Examples that come easily to mind are the death of a parent, spouse, child, or other close family member or friend. Many other events and transitions also bring with them sadness and a need to grieve: • Being told you have a serious, possibly terminal illness.

Treasure Your Memories Memories are one of the best legacies that exist after someone dies. Treasure them. Share them with your family and friends. Recognise that your memories may make you laugh or cry. In either case, they are a lasting part of the relationship that you had with a very special person in your life. Move Toward Your Grief And Heal The capacity to love requires the necessity to grieve when someone you love dies. You can’t heal unless you openly express your grief. Denying your grief will only make it become more confusing and overwhelming. Reconciling your grief will not happen quickly. Remember that grief is a process, not an event. Be patient and tolerant with yourself. Never forget that the death of a loved one changes your life forever. It’s not that you won’t be happy again; it’s simply that you will never be exactly the same as you were before the death.

• Having to give up interests and activities that have been a major part of your life. • Seeing serious decline in the mental or physical health of someone you love. • Retiring from career or voluntary activity that has helped shape who you are and what you stand for. • Losing a significant part of your independence and mobility; even giving up driving can be a significant loss for many people. • Moving out of your home. • Saying goodbye to a favourite pet. Losses such as these are simply part of life. Like their counterparts among the joyful occasions in our lifetime - the birth of a child or grandchild, a celebration of marriage, an enduring friendship they are part of what it means to share in the human experience. The emotions they create in us are part of living, as well.

Helping A Friend Or Neighbor Cope With Loss

Before The Funeral

After The Funeral

1. Offer to notify his/her family and friends about funeral arrangements.

1. Prepare or provide dinner on a day that is mutually acceptable.

2. House-sit to prevent burglaries during the removal, funeral and visitations.

2. Do Step 1 every week for two or three months.

3. Help answer phones and greet visitors. 4. Keep a record of everyone who calls, visits or has been contacted. 5. Help co-ordinate the food and drink supply. 6. Offer to pick up friends and family at the airport and to arrange accommodations. 7. Offer to provide transportation for out-of-town visitors. 8. Help keep the house clean & the dishes washed.

3. Offer to help with the garden such as watering, mowing or pruning. 4. Feed and exercise pets, if any. 5. Write notes offering encouragement and support. 6. Offer to drive or accompany him/her to the cemetery regularly. 7. Offer to house-sit so he/she can get away or visit family out of town. 8. Make a weekly run to the supermarket, laundry, or cleaners. 9. Help with the Thank You notes and/or other correspondence.

Above all, just listening and your concern and presence will help.

10. Anticipate difficult periods such as anniversaries, birthdays, holidays, and the day of death. 11. Always mention the deceased by name and encourage reminiscing.

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