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St. Luke’s Hospice

Your Hospice - Caring for you when & where you need it most

Reg. Charity Number 289466

Advice and Support following a bereavement

St. Luke's Hospice Fobbing Farm, Nethermayne Basildon, Essex SS16 5NJ Telephone Main Hospice 01268 524973 Bereavement Support children and young people Email: lukes@stlukeshospice.co.uk Bereavement Support - adults Email: Dove@stlukeshouse.org.uk OneResponse Email: Stlukes.oneresponse@nhs.net

Contents Foreword................................................................................................................................................................. 1 How we can support you................................................................................................................. 2 Section 1. What to do first........................................................................................................ 4 If the death has occurred in the Hospice In-Patient Unit...................... 4 Medical Examiners..................................................................................................................................... 5 Donating the body or organs..................................................................................................... 6 Viewing the deceased........................................................................................................................... 6 If the death has occurred at home...................................................................................... 7 Medical Certificate of Cause of Death............................................................................ 7 Registering the death............................................................................................................................ 8 The Basildon Registrars Office................................................................................................... 8 The Billericay Registrars Office.................................................................................................. 9 The Thurrock Registrars Office.................................................................................................. 9 The Southend Registrars Office............................................................................................... 9 Other Registration offices................................................................................................................ 10 Who can register the death?....................................................................................................... 11 When you visit the Registrar........................................................................................................ 12 What the registration staff will give you...................................................................... 13 What happens if the Coroner is involved?................................................................ 14 People you may need to notify................................................................................................ 15 The funeral........................................................................................................................................................... 17 Arranging the funeral............................................................................................................................ 17 Things to consider when planning the funeral................................................... 18 Paying for the funeral............................................................................................................................ 18

Probate and legal advice................................................................................................................... 19 Financial assistance................................................................................................................................... 19 Section 2. Grief and bereavement................................................................. 20 Explaining bereavement..................................................................................................................... 20 Do I need someone to talk to?................................................................................................. 22 How I might feel?........................................................................................................................................ 22 How might this affect me emotionally?........................................................................ 23 How might this affect me physically?.............................................................................. 23 How might this affect my thoughts?................................................................................ 24 How might this affect my behaviour?............................................................................. 24 What can I do to help myself?................................................................................................... 25 What can others do to help me?............................................................................................ 25 Counselling.......................................................................................................................................................... 27 Talking to children and young people about death..................................... 27 Spiritual help..................................................................................................................................................... 28 St. Luke’s Hospice........................................................................................................................................ 29 Hospice Services.......................................................................................................................................... 30 Remembering your loved one................................................................................................... 32 Social support & groups................................................................................................................... 34 Listening support and information..................................................................................... 38 Helplines and web addresses...................................................................................................... 42 Questionnaire................................................................................................................................................... 45

Reference: St. Luke’s Hospice Bereavement Booklet Publication date: December 2025 Review date: December 2027

Advice and support following a bereavement Foreword The staff at St. Luke’s Hospice would like to express their sincere sympathy to you and your family at this sad time. We hope that this directory will be of benefit to you at this time. The first few weeks of bereavement can be a particularly difficult time when there may be several practical matters to deal with and decisions to make. This directory aims to provide some useful help and advice during the early days of bereavement, including guidance on the practicalities and an explanation of the feelings and emotions you may experience. The final section includes contact details of some organisations that offer support and advice. The inclusion of any advertisement in this directory does not imply that St. Luke’s Hospice endorses any particular service or product. At the time of going to print the information within this directory was accurate and as up to date as possible. For more copies of this directory please contact: St. Luke’s Hospice Tel: 01268 524973 www.stlukeshospice.com

Please check to see if groups are still running before turning up

How we can support you Monthly ‘Walking with Nature’ Group for Hospice Service Users, Friends & Family – join us for a 1 hour walk over Langdon Hills on the last Tuesday of the month (come rain or shine), 9.45am One Tree Hill Car Park, SS17 9NQ. For more information about any of groups, please contact 01268 524973 and ask for Supportive Care.

Please check to see if groups are still running before turning up

Lukes’ Counselling And Support For Children & Young People (LUKES) Lukes provides support to children and young people up to 19 years, living in South West Essex. Support is offered according to the needs of the child or young person following an initial assessment. Death is a normal part of life but for a child or young person the death of a relative or friend can be difficult to understand. When somebody very special is seriously ill or has a life limiting disease or has died, it may be difficult to think about telling children and young people about what is really happening. Attempts to protect them from the truth can leave children and young people feeling confused and alone with fears, anxieties and questions. Lukes offers 1-1 counselling, family support work, youth work and group support. Within the team we have trained Family Support Workers, a Youth Worker and qualified Child & Adolescent Counsellors. Children and young people may be offered the option to attend a Bereavement Support Group. This can enable them to meet others who have experienced similar situations and can help to decrease the sense of isolation. School Drop-Ins for support at schools for young people. For further information contact: Lukes’ Counselling and Support for Children & Young People on Tel 01268 524973.

SECTION 1: What to do first What to do first if the death has occurred in the Hospice In-Patient Unit Take your time to say goodbye. Nursing staff will give you the opportunity to spend time with your loved one after the death. Certain formalities must be dealt with following the death of a relative or friend. Before the death can be registered, you will require a medical certificate that states the cause of death. In 2024 a new national process was introduced across the country, which involves the medical examiner’s office (see section on medical examiners for more details regarding their role, page 5). Once the medical examiners office agree with the cause of death, then the Hospice doctor can complete the death certificate. The Hospice staff will then ring you when the cause of death certificate is ready and will explain what you need to do next and help with any questions you may have. The Hospice will scan and e-mail the certificate to the Essex Central Registration Office. For more information on registering the death please see this section on page 8. They will also contact the GP to inform them of the death and all other known health professionals including home loan equipment. The Hospice staff will ring you to collect any property or valuables belonging to your relative/friend. Please telephone the Unit before coming so we can ensure everything is ready for you. We will ask you to sign a form and the property book when you collect valuables and property. 4

Medical Examiners Medical examiners are senior doctors who have not been involved at any stage in the patient’s care. They may work as specialists within the hospital or as GPs. They work alongside administrative staff called medical examiner’s officers and their office is based in Basildon Hospital. For several years they have reviewed the notes of all those who have died in hospital. As of September this was extended to include all deaths outside of hospital. Part of their role is to check the notes to provide an independent opinion on the cause of death. They will also look for any concerns with care and if the coroner needs to be involved in the case. If someone dies at home or in a care home, then a short report will be made by the GP and the notes electronically sent to the medical examiner’s office. If they died within the hospice then it will be the hospice doctors sending the notes and report. The medical examiners office will then contact the named family contact. This gives an opportunity for the family to raise any concerns that they may have with regards to patient care and to ensure that the cause of death is understood. Once the medical examiners office have completed their review and discussed with the family contact, they will inform the doctor if the certificate can be completed. Lots of work has gone into this change to try to ensure the process runs as smoothly as possible. We expect this process to take 1-2 days from the time the doctors notes are sent to the medical examiner’s office.

Donating the body or organs If the deceased expressed a wish to donate organs/tissues for transplantation or carried a donor card please inform one of the doctors or nurses. Organ donation can only occur in very specific circumstances in a hospital setting. However, many patients are able to donate tissues such as corneas. This is possible if they die at home, hospital or in the hospice. This may be possible up to 24 hours following death for corneas and 48 hours for tissue. Some people have previously made arrangements for their body to be used for medical teaching purposes by the London Anatomy Office. If so, please inform Hospice staff.

Viewing the deceased At this time you may wish to visit your deceased relative or friend and spend some time with them. The decision to do this is yours. You may need to decide whether children close to the deceased will want to see them, as this can be an important step in helping them to accept the death. If they decide to do so, it is very important to prepare them. Hospice staff can assist you with this if you would like us to. You may prefer to view the deceased once they arrive at the Funeral Directors Chapel of Rest. Most Funeral Directors have specialist facilities.

If the death has occurred at home Please contact OneResponse 01268 526259 or the person’s GP and they will be able to assist you . When someone dies, a trained healthcare professional needs to verify the death, to confirm that the person has died (known as ‘formal verification of death’). Verifying a death involves doing certain checks to make sure that the person has died. Some expected deaths can be verified by specialist nurses working in One Response (which is 24/7). Please call to discuss on 01268 526259. On occasion the nurse may not be able to verify the death and therefore the GP or deputising service will need to be contacted to assist in and out of hours. If the death occurs at home, you should contact the deceased’s GP who will complete a Medical Certificate of Cause of Death. Sometimes there are reasons why the GP is unable to issue this and the Coroner will be consulted.

The Medical Certificate of Cause of Death In order to be able to register the death a Medical Certificate of Cause of Death is required. This is an important certificate which states the cause of death. A doctor who has seen the deceased most recently will provide a Medical Certificate of Cause of Death (MCCD). Once you have been notified that the Medical Certificate of Cause of Death is available, you must contact the Register Office as soon as possible to make an appointment to formally register the death. This is a legal requirement. If the person died in the Hospice, Hospice staff can help make the appointment with the Registrar for you at your request. 7

Registering the death A death must be registered within five days in the area in which it occurred. In exceptional circumstances this can be extended. If the Coroner is involved, the Coroner’s Office will advise you. However, deaths being reviewed by the Medical Examiner will not be able to be registered until the registrar receives notification of the cause of death from the Medical Examiner or the Coroner. This notification will also start the 5-day statutory time frame to register a death. You will have to make an appointment for a face to face meeting at Essex County Council Registry Office. This appointment can be booked via the website www.essex.gov.uk or by calling 0345 603 7632. The registry office will need to receive the Medical Certificate of Cause of Death (MCCD) before the face to face meeting. Basildon Library St. Martins Square, Basildon, Essex, SS14 1EE Tel: 0345 603 7632 option 1 (Central Essex Registration Team) The office will be open from Monday to Friday 9am – 5pm. Parking: you will need to use one of the public car parks in Basildon Town Centre. Location: Basildon Town Centre, opposite Argos and Great Oaks car park.

Billericay Registrars Office Burghstead Lodge, 143 High Street, Billericay, CM12 9AB Tel: 0345 603 7632 option 1 (Central Essex Registration Team) Wednesday: 9am – 5pm Parking: you will need to use any of the public car parks as there is no facility at the Registrar’s Office. Location: the office is next door to the Library in the High Street. Thurrock Registrars Office Civic Offices, New Road, Grays, Essex RM17 6SL Tel: 01375 372822 Monday to Friday: 9am – 5pm (usually afternoon appointments) Parking: public car park in Crown Road. Southend Registrars Office You can register a death at either: • The Civic Centre in Victoria Avenue • Southend University Hospital in Prittlewell Chase To book an appointment to register a death at one of our offices you can either: • Call us on 01702 215009 • or email: Registeroffice@southend.gov.uk Wherever the patient dies i.e. Basildon, registration must be in the area of death - not place of residence unless death occurred at home.

Other Registration Offices: Braintree:

Braintree Library, Fairfield Road, Braintree, Essex CM7 3YL

Brentwood:

Brentwood Library, New Road, Brentwood, Essex CM14 4BP

Rochford:

Rochford Library, 8 Roche Close, Rochford, Essex SS4 1PX

South Benfleet:

South Benfleet Library, 264 High Road, South Benfleet, Essex SS7 5HD

Chelmsford:

Chelmsford Library, Market Road, Chelmsford Essex, CM1 1QH

Colchester:

Colchester Library, 21 Trinity Square, Colchester, Essex CO1 1JB

Epping Forest:

Epping Library, St. John’s Road, Epping CM16 5DN

Harlow:

Harlow Central Library, Cross Street, Harlow, Essex CM20 1HA

Rayleigh:

Rayleigh Library, 132-134 High Street, Rayleigh, Essex SS6 7BX

Uttlesford:

The Council Offices, London Road, Saffron Walden CB11 4ER

Who can register the death? The person who registers the death needs to be a qualified informant. A qualified informant is anybody from the list below: •

Wife/Husband/Civil Partner

•

Son/Daughter

•

Son-in-Law/Daughter-in-Law

•

Brother/Sister

•

Niece/Nephew

•

Grandson/Granddaughter

•

Other relative (where no one closer can attend)

•

Person deemed to have responsibility for caring for the deceased

The person who is registering the death should also be one of the following:•

Next of kin

•

Present at the time of death

•

The person dealing with the funeral arrangements

•

An administrator at the hospital or care home, where the person died

When you visit the Registrar The Registry Office needs to have the MCCD before appointment. You will need to have the following information and documents about the deceased. •

The person’s NHS number

•

The person’s birth certificate, if possible

•

The name, email address and address of the Funeral Directors

You may find it helpful to have the deceased’s birth certificate and marriage certificate with you (if possible). NB: If the case is referred to and kept by the Coroner, please disregard the above documents list as the Coroner will advise you directly. Details required to register the death: •

The date and place of death

•

The full name (first and all middle names) and surname (and the maiden name if applicable)

•

The last (usual) address and postcode

•

The date and place of birth

•

The occupation and, where appropriate, the full name and occupation of their husband/wife

•

Whether they were married, or in a civil partnership, and the date of birth of the surviving partner (if applicable)

What the Registration Staff will give you •

The Registrar will in turn provide you with a certificate for burial or cremation (known as the ‘Green Form’) unless the Coroner has already given you an order for burial or certificate of cremation. The funeral cannot be held until these forms/certificates are given to the Funeral Director.

•

Form BD8 must be completed if the deceased was in receipt of benefits. There will be instructions how to complete this and what to do next. This will be printed off for you at the Registration Office.

Copies of the death certificate The death certificate is a certified copy of the entry in the Death Register. Purchasing additional copies while registering the death can be useful as they are often required for sorting out financial affairs such as insurance policies, bank accounts, pension claims or for other purposes. You may be required to leave an original with a particular company for a short period of time (photocopies will not be accepted).

What happens if the Coroner is involved? In some circumstances the death may by law have to be referred to the Coroner. The role of the Coroner is to establish the cause of a person’s death. A Medical Certificate of Cause of Death cannot be issued if a referral has been made to the Coroner. These circumstances include: •

If the death was sudden or unexplained

•

A fall/bone fracture which contributed to them dying

•

If your relative was involved in an accident

•

If the death of your relative may have involved an industrial disease

Referrals to the Coroner are infrequent and should not be a cause for concern, although it may delay the issuing of the medical certificate. The staff will talk through why the referral has been made and will explain the process to you. Although a referral may have been made, after reviewing the situation the Coroner may give permission for the doctor to issue the medical certificate. If the cause of the person’s death is unknown, the Coroner may also order a post mortem. This is an internal investigation to identify the cause of their death. Although your consent is not required for this procedure, the Coroner’s Officers will inform you if this is required. Alternatively, if they feel that more investigation is necessary, the Coroner may hold an inquest. A Coroner’s inquest will provide an opportunity for all those involved to talk through the time leading up to the person’s death. It also provides an opportunity for relatives to ask questions regarding their relative’s care and subsequent death. Staff at the Coroner’s Court will support you through the process. 14

Suggested people you may need to notify of the death Domestic & Personal •

• • • • •

Cancel Appointments Council Offices Gas/Electricity/Water Rental Companies Telephone Company Vehicle Licensing

• • • • •

Clubs/Associations Dentist Newspaper/Milkman Royal Mail deliveries TV Licensing

Department for Work & Pensions • Inland Revenue • Trade Union

Employer Social Security Office

Employment/Pension • • •

Items that may need returning • • • •

Driving Licence Library Cards/Season Tickets NHS equipment on loan Pensions/Benefits Books

• • •

Disabled Parking Permit National Insurance Card Passport

• •

Solicitor Premium Bonds

Legal/Financial • • •

Bank/Building Society Insurance Companies Credit Card Companies

Tell Us Once is a service that lets you report a death to most government organisations in one go. How to use Tell Us Once A registrar will explain the Tell Us Once service when you register the death. They will either: • •

complete the Tell Us Once service with you give you a unique reference number so you can use the service yourself online or by phone

www.gov.uk/after-a-death/organisations-you-need-to-contactand-tell-us-once Stopping Unwanted Mail: After the death of a loved one it can be distressing to receive unwanted mail. This service can help with reducing unwanted mail - www.stopmail.co.uk or alternatively call 0333 006 8114 or ask the counselling service for a leaflet. Telephone Preference (TPS): Helps stop unwanted telephone calls. 0345 070 0707

The funeral A funeral is your opportunity to say goodbye, and it is most important for your grieving that the funeral is conducted in the way you want. You may find it helpful to make provisional arrangements with a Funeral Director of your choice. Please do not book a firm date until the death has been registered. Once you have registered the death you will need to take the following with you to your chosen Funeral Director and finalise your arrangements. 1. Green Form (supplied by the Registrar) 2. Authority for Removal Form (supplied by a Hospital Bereavement Support Office, if the person has died in hospital). You may wish to ask your religious Minister, Priest, Pastoral or Spiritual leader about conducting the service and his/her availability. Alternatively, your Funeral Director can arrange this for you and if you prefer, a non-religious service can be planned.

Arranging the funeral Most Funeral Directors are available seven days a week and may be happy to visit you at home to help and advise you. Prices for funerals vary and you may wish to contact several Funeral Directors and compare prices before you make a decision. If you receive benefits, you may be able to apply for help to pay the funeral costs. The Funeral Director will be able to advise you.

Things to consider when planning the funeral •

Has the deceased made a funeral plan of their wishes or paid into a pre-paid funeral scheme?

•

How much you are able to budget for the funeral cost

•

Cremation or burial/woodland burial?

•

Who will officiate – Minister, family, Funeral Director, Registration Officer?

•

If young children are attending, you may wish to think about their need to say goodbye and how attending may affect them

•

Tributes: people often wish to pay their respects by sending flowers or making donations to a charitable fund

•

You may wish to consider a public notice of death

•

Whether you want an order of service and/or memorial cards

Paying for the funeral Whoever arranges the funeral is usually responsible for meeting the costs. This can come from the deceased’s estate or funeral scheme he/she may have subscribed to. If you are on a low income you may be entitled to financial help from the Government’s Social Fund. Please ask the Registry Office staff, or your local Social Security Office for the relevant form. If necessary please seek advice before making any funeral arrangements. (It does not stop you finding the Funeral Directors of your choice and starting arrangements).

Finances - probate and legal advice If you have any difficulty in dealing with the deceased’s property, possessions or guardianship of their children, get advice from a solicitor, your social worker or the Citizens Advice Bureau as soon as possible. If there is no Will, speaking with a solicitor may be helpful. Many solicitors are prepared to offer up to half an hour of legal advice for a small fee; some even offer a free initial consultation to discuss your situation. Probate is a document issued by the Probate Registry confirming that an executor has the right to wind up the estate of the person who has died. The ‘estate’ is the house, money and savings left by someone when they die (probate may not be necessary if the estate is small). The executor is the person chosen in the Will to sort out the estate and make sure the conditions of the Will are carried out. To obtain a probate information pack, leave your name and address on the following answer phone line: Helpline: 0300 123 1072 From Abroad: +44 300 123 1072 Website: www.gov.uk/wills-probate-inheritance

Financial assistance Bereavement benefits are available to some widows/widowers and civil partners. This is dependent on whether you are under the state pension age and the deceased person’s national insurance contributions. There is a time limit for claiming bereavement benefits and funeral grants so it is best to take advice as soon as possible. When someone dies in your household who is in receipt of state benefits, inclusive of retirement pensions, it may be that you will need a review of your benefits so we suggest you seek advice from the local council or welfare rights. 19

SECTION 2: Grief and bereavement Explaining bereavement Bereavement is something which most people experience at some time in their lives and we all react to it in different ways. Grief, though painful, is not an illness so you need not be alarmed by the feelings and symptoms it sometimes causes. However, you may find the following information helpful. Grieving is our emotional response to our loss, and may be distressing and confusing. You may feel alone as it may seem that no one really understands how you feel. This is because everyone’s individual experience of grieving is unique and personal to them. We publicly express our grief through mourning, which may include cards, flowers, candles, wearing specific clothing, religious ceremonies and celebrations of life. The funeral is very important and allows us to say goodbye, but is only part of the grieving process. It can be hard to accept the loss of a loved one. This means you may find yourself trying hard to deny that the death has occurred, so it is not unusual to think you have seen or heard the deceased. In addition, many bereaved people feel strained and physically run down, finding it difficult to eat or sleep. Grief is a time consuming and exhausting experience. You may suffer from despair and depression, finding that you have lost all interest in living. You may feel there is no point in going on or that no-one else could possibly experience what you are going through. All these are natural reactions to grief and not a sign that you are ‘going mad’, or letting yourself, or your family or friends, down. As well as feeling sad, you may also experience any of the following – guilt, panic, self-pity and anger – even towards the deceased. If you do feel these emotions, you may think you ought to hide them, but they too are a normal part of the grieving process. 20

Don’t be afraid to share your thoughts and feelings with a sympathetic listener. You may find yourself feeling hurt, convinced perhaps, that some of your family or friends are avoiding you. Unfortunately this can happen and is probably due to their embarrassment not knowing what to say. So it may be necessary for you to take the first step. Let them know that you need them and their support. It is sometimes very tempting to feel that life would be more bearable if you moved house, quickly disposed of possessions, or refused to see people. There is a very natural urge to avoid painful things. However, this can make things worse and decisions like these must be given careful thought. Similarly, bereavement is a time when you may experience very painful emotions. You will need to face these and work through them before eventually beginning to rebuild your life. Do not despair – with the passage of time, when the pain has eased somewhat, you will find yourself being able to remember without being so distressed. This can be a time for you to start taking up life afresh, perhaps renewing old interests or taking up new pursuits. This might seem disloyal to the person who has died, but what has happened in the past is always part of you and is not affected by you enjoying the present. Grief is a very individual process and we each react differently, so don’t feel that you are in any way abnormal if your grief does not appear to follow the pattern outlined here. It is important to allow yourself to grieve, but it is also important to take a break from grieving from time to time and eventually to put it aside, even though you will never put aside memories of the one you loved. After the funeral you may think you should feel better, but this is usually not the case because no-one can replace the person who has died. You need to allow yourself as much time as necessary to come to terms with your loss. 21

In our society, grieving tends not to be fully acknowledged and may even be avoided as people can be fearful of what they don’t understand. However, active acknowledgement of the feelings that you may have, by yourself and others, is very important for your wellbeing.

Do I need someone to talk to? When you are grieving the death of someone you love, it is important to have access to people who can provide comfort and support. Many people will manage their own grief with the help and support of family and friends. Others find it helpful to seek help outside of these circles, to talk about feelings and what has happened to them. You can sometimes feel very alone, even though you have people around you.

How might I feel? There are no rules about the natural process of grieving; it’s a very different experience for each person and reactions will vary. How you feel may depend on your previous relationship with the person who has died and how you felt about them, as well as your own personal experiences and present circumstances. You may experience a wide range of feelings that can be difficult to understand. Grief can be a confusing and unpredictable experience which comes and goes in waves. At first, you may be too shocked to feel anything. Many bereaved people feel only a sense of numbness and disbelief. As you get over the shock and you grasp the reality of what has happened, you may experience some of the most powerful feelings you have ever had. If distressed, please ring One Response (which is available 24/7) for support and onward referral if appropriate.

How might this affect me emotionally? You may feel: •

Sad, low in mood, intensely distressed, unable to enjoy life, and even depressed

•

Worried, frightened, anxious and unable to relax

•

Angry towards others, such as family, friends, health care workers, God, or even, the person who has died

•

Guilty and blame yourself

•

Lonely, even when in the company of others

•

A sense of relief after the death, perhaps following a period of distress in the time leading up to the death

•

A sense of longing and searching for the person who has died

How might this affect me physically? You may feel: •

Tired and exhausted with no energy to perform simple tasks

•

Unable to sleep normally

•

‘Aches and pains’, such as headaches, back pain and muscular aches

•

Changes in your appetite, such as not feeling hungry, unable to enjoy eating, or wanting to over eat, which could lead to weight loss or gain

•

Nauseous, have an unsettled stomach, and possible changes in your bowel habit

•

Low resistance and may pick up minor infections such as colds more easily 23

How might this affect my thoughts? You may feel: •

Unable to concentrate and remember clearly

•

Preoccupied and have repetitive thoughts about the person who has died and the events that led up to their death

•

Helpless and without hope about the future

•

A sense of unreality and detachment from everyday events

How might this affect my behaviour? You may be: •

Irritable, angry and distrusting of others

•

Restless and unable to settle and relax

•

Tearful or unable to cry

•

Preferring your own company, rejecting others, such as friends, family and social situations

Realising that some of these feelings, thoughts and behaviours are normal may help you to feel less isolated and that you are not ‘losing your mind’. No one can say how long you will feel this way – just as your relationship with the person before they died was unique, then your feelings of grief and their intensity and duration are also unique. Grieving is necessary to help people find a way of living their lives while still feeling able to remember the person who has died and holding on to the bonds that were shared.

What can I do to help myself? It is important not to forget about your own health. If you feel able to, try to eat regular meals rather than snacks and try to get adequate rest, even if you cannot sleep. At times of stress it may be tempting to feel like life would be easier if you moved house or made decisions about your loved one’s possessions, but in fact this is not a good time to make major changes in your life – what seems right now may not seem right in several months time. If you cannot avoid having to make important decisions try and talk them over with someone you can trust and someone who can help you consider the various options.

What can others do to help me? Bereavement affects families in many different ways. Each family member will cope differently following bereavement. There may be a recurring need to talk to people about the person who has died, their illness and death, the good and the bad times. Families and friends can help listen to and share these memories, although they might find this difficult or uncomfortable at times, as many people do not know what to say. It is important to reach out to them when you need them because it may be difficult for others to know how you feel and what they can do to help. If you feel unable to share your feelings with family and friends, or don’t have anyone close, or if you are experiencing persistent problems coping with day-to-day life, then it may be worth speaking to your GP or considering other forms of support.

Social groups Sometimes following bereavement, difficulty in mixing socially is experienced and you may feel cut off and lonely. Maybe you have always found it difficult to make friends, or have simply lost confidence in yourself as a result of your bereavement. The social groups listed in this section will be pleased to welcome you, and if you contact the person named, they will help you over the initial phase of introduction to the group as a newcomer, and settling in, until your confidence has grown. Please note that as these groups are not specifically for the bereaved, they may or may not have other bereaved people in the group. The activity of the group will either be obvious from the title, or a brief description will be stated. More information regarding the group activity can be obtained from the contact person.

Listening support When you are bereaved, it often helps to be able to talk about it to someone who is interested in listening. Sometimes family and friends become tired of listening, have difficulties themselves, or are unavailable or absent. At times like these, it may be helpful to talk to an outsider who has an understanding of bereavement issues. They will not have any magic solutions, but they will know how to help you to help yourself. Alternatively, it can sometimes help to meet with other people who have been bereaved. Sharing common experiences can relieve distress and isolation on this difficult journey. There are services which provide one-to-one listening support and group support in this section. Simply telephone the number given and tell them that you would welcome some help. 26

Counselling support There are times when being listened to doesn’t seem enough. Perhaps there are complex difficulties which exist in addition to your bereavement. Maybe you have already experienced a depressive illness, found solace in alcohol, been the victim of abuse, or had trouble coping with life in general. If this is your situation, you may need help from a trained counsellor. Simply pick up the telephone and ask for help from the services in this section. Some of these may incur a charge, so be mindful of this. Counselling also requires hard work and commitment on your part, but it is often found to be very helpful. Difficulties of this sort do not tend to go away by themselves so please consider this possibility.

Talking to children and young people about death As adults we feel the need to protect our children from things that we might find difficult. It is easy to assume children and young people will not understand death and bereavement or that it will be too upsetting. However, we often underestimate a child’s ability to cope. Like adults, children and young people can find it harder to cope if they are not told what is happening and can be more frightened by their own imagination. It is helpful for adults to share their feelings with children and young people, such as feelings of sadness. By doing so they learn that it is natural to feel sad when someone dies. They often like to draw pictures, write stories or play as part of their way of saying goodbye. It may be useful to consider allowing them the opportunity to be involved in and/or attending the funeral. Children should be told the facts in a simple manner, using appropriate words – e.g. dead, rather than lost or asleep. 27

Encouraging children to ask questions and continuing routines will help children to feel involved and secure. It is advised to inform their school of the events and to share any concerns about the child or young person. There are many helpful leaflets and websites listed in the back of this booklet. For more information please contact Lukes on 01268 524973 Lukes’ Counselling and Support for Children & Young People provides counselling and bereavement support for children and young people up to 19 years (see page 3). Dove Adult Community Counselling Service provides counselling and bereavement support for adults on a one to one basis, as a couple or as a family – phone 01268 524973.

Spiritual help The Hospice Chaplains are available to offer care and support to bereaved relatives and friends of those who have died at the Hospice. This care is offered irrespective of the individual’s religion or belief.

St. Luke’s Hospice is a charity providing compassionate palliative and end of life care to people whose illnesses are no longer curable. We deliver care to ensure dignity and empower people to make the choices they want, from the moment they are diagnosed. St. Luke’s Hospice relies on the generosity of our community – those who donate, fundraise and volunteer – to continue providing compassionate care and support for local people and their families.

Hospice services St. Luke’s Hospice Fobbing Farm Nethermayne Basildon SS16 5NJ Tel: 01268 524973 St. Luke’s Hospice Clinical Outpatients provides key clinical procedures to all those in South West Essex who have been diagnosed or are living with a life changing or life-limiting illness. Offering convenient and accessible, specialist palliative care and key clinical procedures in a relaxed environment. Our Clinical Outpatient’s service can meet our patient’s wellbeing and lifestyle needs. This could mean an early appointment to fit in with work commitments, or at a time to maintain arrangements with friends and family. During appointments each patient will be independently assessed and appropriate referrals completed to ensure timely support. The Clinical Outpatients team provide key clinical procedures in a designated, purpose-fitted, relaxed and comfortable area of the Hospice. St. Luke’s Hospice Fobbing Farm Nethermayne Basildon SS16 5NJ

Please check to see if groups are still running before turning up

St. Luke’s Hospice provides Wellbeing, Information and Supportive Care Services St. Luke’s Hospice (Basildon and Thurrock) Farriers Way Lower Dunton Road Bulphan RM14 3EB Tel: 01375 648170 Services based here are: Dove Adult Community Counselling Service - Provides emotional, psychological and bereavement support and counselling services to patients, families and carers. Counselling is also available for those in remission or living beyond a cancer diagnosis. Family Therapy is also available for family groups. Lukes’ Counselling and Support for Children and Young People (Lukes) - aims to support children and young people up to 19 years through the experience of loss and guide carers to help children and young people feel included and able to express themselves. The service includes a Youth Worker who works with all services to support young people. St. Luke’s aims to support young people living with/or affected by illness/bereavement with one-to-one support, information or group work.

Remembering your loved one in support of St. Luke’s Hospice St. Luke’s Hospice relies on the generosity and kindness of our local community in order to continue caring for local people and their families. Many people choose to support St. Luke’s Hospice by making a donation in memory of their loved ones. Gifts made in memory like this are a very special way to celebrate and remember a loved one, whilst also supporting St. Luke’s Hospice’s vital work. An online tribute to your loved one’s memory A tribute fund is an online page dedicated to a loved one who has died. It’s a place where you can upload photos, display details relating to a funeral or celebration of life event, share special memories, light virtual candles and make donations in your loved one’s name. For more information and to create an online tribute page in aid of St. Luke’s Hospice, please visit: stlukesbasildon.muchloved.org Donations in lieu of flowers It’s traditional to give flowers at a funeral, but many people choose to commemorate the life of a loved one by asking friends and family to donate to a cause close to their heart instead. One way to do this is to order some of our donation envelopes. Our donation envelopes can be personalised with your loved one’s name and each include a Gift Aid form. The envelopes can be given to friends and family who attend the funeral, inserted into the order of service, or displayed at a wake or remembrance event. For more information and to order some of our in memory materials free of charge, please visit: www.stlukeshospice.com/funeral-memorial-donations 32

Memory Tree If you would prefer a more permanent memorial in your loved one’s name, you may wish to dedicate a leaf on our Memory Tree. Our Memory Tree is a beautiful, metal sculpture situated at our Hospice in Nethermayne. You can choose from our bronze, silver and gold coloured leaves - all of which can be engraved with a personal message as a dedication to a loved one in exchange for a donation to St. Luke’s Hospice. Each leaf will remain on the Tree for a year, at which time you may decide to make a further donation to keep your leaf on the Tree for another year, or ask for your leaf to be returned to you in one of our presentation boxes for you to keep. For more information about our Memory Tree, please visit: www.stlukeshospice.com/memory-tree

For further information about remembering a loved one in support of St. Luke’s Hospice please contact our In Memory team on 01268 524 973, email inmemory@stlukeshospice.co.uk or visit: www.stlukeshospice.com/in-memory

Please check to see if groups are still running before turning up

Signposting for social support & groups The George Hurd Centre Audley Way, Basildon, Essex SS14 2FL Basildon District Council Day Centre Square Dancing/Bowls/Darts & lots more for over 50s (Monday – Friday 9am – 4.30pm, please ring for class times) Contact: Jeneille Bushell Tel: 01268 205305

Ladies Leisure Snooker/Table Tennis etc (Thursday fortnightly 2pm) MOGGIES (MEN ONLY GROUP) Social evening for all ages meeting in local pub (Tuesday fortnightly 8pm) MENS SUPPER CLUB (monthly 7.15pm)

Laindon Day Centre Ashton Road, Laindon, Essex Art/Woodwork/Keep fit/ Bingo Active Life Programme & lots more for over 50s (Monday – Friday am & pm please ring for class times) Tel: 01268 855232

St. Marys Church Billericay High Street Billericay listeners Tea coffee and chat Monday/Wednesday/Friday 9am – 12pm Further Details: 01277 632120 Church Office: 01268 710362

Methodist Church Western Road, Billericay, Essex CM12 9DT The various clubs & activities that take place at the church are listed. For more information contact: Geraldine Hanton Tel: 01277 523383

Please check to see if groups are still running before turning up

Socketts Heath Baptist Church Brentwood and Billericay Bereavement Support Group Premier Avenue, Grays, Essex RM16 2SB Supported by Bennetts. This is a self-help group for Carpet Bowls people who have experienced (Wednesday 2pm – 4pm) the death of a loved one. Church Office, 01375 394190 Held every second Wednesday (leave message if no answer) 1.30pm – 3.30pm at St Georges Church Hall, Activities: Sundays 11am Costead Manor Road, for worship, followed by Pilgrims Hatch, Brentwood. refreshments, church lunches All enquiries call 01277 every other month 210104 Varied midweek programme, including:

Ramsden Bellhouse Baptist Church Church Road, Ramsden Bellhouse Coffee & chat (Monday 10.30am – 12 noon) Short prayer at end Phone: 01268 711353

Women’s Meeting, Tuesdays 2.30pm – 3.30pm, Carpet Bowls (for fun), Wednesdays 2pm – 4pm

Craft Club (mainly cardmaking), last Wednesday each month, 7.30pm – 9pm Brighter Horizons (bereavement support), third Thursday, 10am – 12noon First Thursday Group (bereavement support), first Thursday, 10am – 12noon

Our Grieving Hearts This group supports bereaved parents through their grief after the loss of a precious son or daughter of any age and offer the following services: • Evening meetings in Brentwood • Befriending service • Advice on local counselling services Please call Bridget Holley c/o Tel: 01277 210104 or 07894 698288

Please check to see if groups are still running before turning up

Forget-Me-Not Support Group

Gone Too Soon Bereavement Support group for parents who have lost a son or daughter. Meetings are held on the 3rd Monday of each month. Come along to meet other parents who can relate to how you may feel.

For relatives and parents who have experienced the loss of a baby, before, during or shortly after childbirth. Fortnightly support meetings on a Wednesday 7pm – 9pm at Manor Mission Church, Laindon SS15 6PA.

Held at Reids, 66-68 Laindon Road, Billericay, CM12 9LD For further information contact either 07387 805406 or email lyn-currie@hotmail.co.uk

Contact: Karla tel: 07958 334012 Sue tel: 07539 257172 Hope Overcome Peoples Emotions in Grief West & Coe, Funeral Directors are the founders of the Grief Support Programme HOPE. This six week programme is offered at no cost to those attending and is designed to help support people and show there is hope in the future. Held at: 620 Rainham Road South Dagenham Essex RM10 8YP Contact: Anne Brooks or Steve Poole on Tel: 0208 592 0164 36

Please check to see if groups are still running before turning up

Braintree & South Essex Citizens Advice Support in person or over the telephone. Tel: 0808 278 7877 www.cabse.org.uk

Jewish Bereavement Counselling Service Tel: 0208 951 3881 www.jbcs.org.uk Switchboard LGBT Support Tel: 0800 0119 100 www.switchboard.lgbt

Department for Work and Pensions Tel: 0800 731 0469 www.gov.uk/bereavementpayment

Thurrock Borough Council Tel: 01375 652 652 www.thurrock.gov.uk

Basildon Council Offices Tel: 01268 533 333 www.basildon.gov.uk Inheritance Tax & Probate For wills and estates Tel: 0300 123 1072 www.gov.uk/inheritance-tax

Listening support and information The Ashley Jolly Sad Trust (Sudden Adult Death Syndrome) Suite 1A, Churchill House Horndon Business Park, West Horndon CM13 3XD Support via telephone/email Phone: 01277 811215 www.sadsuk.org.uk CRUSE Bereavement Care Counselling by prior appointment. Individual and group support Basildon/Billericay/Wickford Branches Tel: 0808 808 1677 Free and confidential help for bereaved people www.cruse.org.uk

Open Door Intervention & Counselling Service 16B Orsett Road, Grays RM17 5DL A confidential service for 5-25 year olds Contact: Danielle Torrance Tel: 01375 390040 Email: interventions@ opendoorservices.org www.opendoorservices.org Dove Adult Community Counselling Service Hospice: 01268 524973 The Samaritans 16 Little Lullaway Basildon, Essex Contact: 116 123 Email: jo@samaritans.org

– Hopeagain For young children and young people to share experiences, thoughts and feelings. Tel: 0808 808 1677 www.hopeagain.org.uk

Victim Support Contact: 08 08 16 89 111 www.victimsupport.org.uk

Compassionate Friends Befriending for bereaved parents and their families who have lost a child of any age. Helpline: 0345 123 2304 10am – 4pm & 7pm – 10pm each day www.tcf.org.uk 38

Basildon Cruse Bereavement Care Counselling by prior appointment. Individual and group support Basildon/Billericay/Wickford Branches Tel: 0845 266 9710

Counselling

Dove Adult Community Counselling Service St. Luke’s Hospice, Farriers Way, Thurrock RM14 3EB Support and counselling for those bereaved by illness and cancer. Counselling for those newly diagnosed with cancer or other life limiting illness, survivors of cancer or any other bereavement within the last five years. The service offers one to one counselling, family therapy, survivorship counselling and couples counselling. They are offering telephone or online counselling as well as face to face sessions.

Lukes’ Counselling Service For Children And Young People (LCS) Aims to support children and young people up to 19 years through the experience of loss and guide carers to help children and young people feel included and able to express themselves. The service includes a Youth Worker who works with all services to support young people. St. Luke’s aims to support young people living with/or affected by illness/bereavement with one-to-one support, information or group work.

They are offering telephone or online counselling as well as St. Luke’s Hospice, face to face sessions. Farriers Way, Tel: 01375 648175 Lower Dunton Road, Bulphan Email: RM14 3EB lukes.counsellingservice@ Information & support for patients, carers, relatives, friends nhs.net and the worried well Tel: 01375 648170

British Association of Counselling & Psychotherapy For information on finding a counsellor in your area Telephone: 01455 883300 www.bacp.co.uk

Renew Counselling Bodey House, Bridge Centre, Church Walk, Basildon SS14 1WW For an appointment phone: 01268 822800 Email: info@renew.org.uk www.renew.org.uk

Basildon Mind A confidential counselling service for young people and adults. Contact: 01268 284130 www.basmind.org

Harman House Counselling Centre 3 Harman House, 341 Valence Avenue, Dagenham, Essex RM8 3RA Individual counselling Sliding scale of charges according to income level For further details phone Tel: 0208 597 7686 Email: harman.house@btconnect.com www.harmanhouse.org.uk

Child And Adolescent Mental Health Services (CAMHS) CAMHS is used as a term for all services that work with children and young people who have difficulties with their emotional or behavioural wellbeing. www.nhs.uk/usingthe-nhs/nhs-services/ mental-health-services/ child-and-adolescentmental-health-servicescamhs/

Phoenix Counselling Service Dagenham, Essex, RM9 5AZ Individual, couple and group counselling. Sliding scale of charges according to income level. For further details phone Tel: 0208 984 9887 www.phoenix-counselling.co.uk

The South Essex Family Centre Bereavement group work for 7 to 12 years who have had a significant person die. Two day programmes run twice yearly at Easter and during the summer school holidays. Referrals via professionals, health, social care, education etc. Contact: 01268 521898 Young Peoples Counselling Service The Hermitage Site, Brentwood, CM15 8AG Confidential individual and group support for 13 to 25 year olds. Tel: 01277 230831 www.renew.org.uk

Hospital Based Counselling Service Basildon And Thurrock University Hospital, Nethermayne, Basildon, Essex SS16 5NL Offer counselling for people affected by cancer at any stage of their journey, from time of diagnosis, during treatment, survivorship and through to bereavement. Services are open to patients and family members (aged 16 upwards). People are seen on an outpatient basis as well as being supported during in-patient stays at Basildon Hospital. Open ended sessions and an open door policy is available. Clients have a choice of male or female counsellors. Contact: 01268 524900 ext 3088

Helplines and web addresses No panic helpline 10am - 10pm every day 0300 772 9844 (5p a minute, plus your access charge) Office hours: 9am – 5pm Mon – Fri Tel: 01952 680460 Youth helpline: 01952 680460 – Mon, Tues, Wed and Fri 3pm – 6pm, Thurs 3pm – 8pm, Sat 6pm – 8pm www.nopanic.org.uk

Survivors of Bereavement by Suicide (SOBS) Tel: 0300 111 5065 www.uksobs.com

Cruse Bereavement Care Tel: 0808 808 1677 Children and Young People www.cruse.org.uk

Way Widowed and Young Self-help support for men and women under 50 whose partner or spouse has died. www.widowedandyoung.org.uk

Road Peace Tel: 0800 160 1069 Dedicated to supporting bereaved and injured through road accidents. Email: helpline@roadpeace.org www.roadpeace.org

Samaritans Switchboard LGBT Support Tel: 116 123 Tel: 0800 0119 100 Email: jo@samaritans.org www.switchboard.lgbt www.samaritans.org

Support Line The Child Death Helpline Tel: 0800 282 986 Tel: 01708 765200 For children, young people and Open every evening 7pm – 10pm, adults. Mon, Thurs & Fri 10am – 1pm, Tues, Wed & Thurs 6pm – 8pm Tues & Weds – 1pm – 4pm www.supportline.org.uk www.childdeathhelpline.org.uk Support after Murder and Manslaughter (SAMM) Tel: 0121 472 2912 www.samm.org.uk 42

Stillbirth and Neonatal Death Charity Tel: 0808 164 3332 Email: helpline@sands.org.uk www.sands.org.uk Family Lives (Formerly Parent Line Plus) Tel: 0808 800 2222 www.familylives.org.uk Compassionate Friends Tel: 0345 123 2304 Support for bereaved parents and their families. Every day, 10am – 4pm & 7pm – 10pm www.tcf.org.uk The Lullaby Trust Bereavement Support: Tel: 0808 802 6868 Information & Advice: Tel: 0808 802 6869 www.lullabytrust.org.uk Child Bereavement UK Tel: 0800 028 8840 Support for bereaved families. www.childbereavementuk.org

Child Bereavement Network Tel: 01375 648175 Information and support for bereaved children and young people. www.ncb.org.uk Winston’s Wish Helpline Tel: 08088 020 021 The charity for bereaved children and their families. Mon – Fri, 9am – 5pm www.winstonswish.org Childline Tel: 0800 1111 Helpline for adults: Help and advice. www.childline.org.uk Cardiac Risk in the Young (CRY) Tel: 01737 363222 cry@c-r-y.org.uk www.c-r-y.org.uk The Honour Network Tel: 0800 5999 247 Support for South Asian women and men. Mon – Fri, 9am – 5pm karmanirvana.org.uk

Sikh Temple Tel: 01375 376086 6 Maidstone Road, Grays, RM17 6NF Baldev Singh Gill (President) Counselling services available.

Southend University Hospital Tel: 01702 435555 Prittlewell Chase, Westcliff-on-Sea, Essex, SS0 0RY www.mse.nhs.uk

Basildon University Hospital Tel: 01268 524900 Nethermayne, Basildon, Essex SS16 5NL www.mse.nhs.uk

Patient Advice and Liaison Service (PALS) Tel: 01268 524900 Ext. 8536 Email: pals@btuh.nhs.uk

At the time of this going to print, St. Luke’s Hospice has aimed to include helpful services from the wider Essex region. However, there may be other supportive organisations who may not be listed, for more information, please contact the Hospice on 01268 524973.

Dear Reader, We are constantly reviewing the services we offer to bereaved relatives and friends of St. Luke’s Hospice and would be very grateful if you would take a few moments to fill in this questionnaire. This is completely optional and mainly relevant to the bereaved relatives and friends of people who have died at the Hospice. It can be returned at a time comfortable to you. We value comments about what you found helpful and areas where you feel we might improve our service. However, if you were unhappy about any aspect of the care you or your relative received whilst at St. Luke’s, you may prefer to put the details in writing to the Patient Experience team on patientexperience.co.uk. Providing the following information is optional but may assist us in passing on appropriate comments and dealing with any queries. The name of the deceased person:....................................................................................................... Date of death:................................................................................................................................................................ Your name:........................................................................................................................................................................ Your relationship to the deceased:......................................................................................................... Address:................................................................................................................................................................................ .......................................................................................................................................................................................................

• Were you encouraged to spend time with the person, privately, before and after they died? YES/NO Comments:........................................................................................................................................................................ .......................................................................................................................................................................................................

• Were you given appropriate advice and information of what to do next? YES/NO Comments:........................................................................................................................................................................ .......................................................................................................................................................................................................

• Do you feel that you were given the opportunity to discuss the circumstances of the death with a doctor or nurse? YES/NO Comments:........................................................................................................................................................................ .......................................................................................................................................................................................................

• Were you satisfied with the handling of all personal property and valuables (if applicable)? YES/NO Comments:........................................................................................................................................................................ .......................................................................................................................................................................................................

• Were you offered the support of the Hospice Chaplaincy or a Minister/Priest of your choice? YES/NO Comments:........................................................................................................................................................................ .......................................................................................................................................................................................................

• Do you have any suggestions as to how we could improve our services? Comments:........................................................................................................................................................................ ....................................................................................................................................................................................................... ....................................................................................................................................................................................................... .......................................................................................................................................................................................................

• In what ways, if any, did you find this bereavement booklet useful? Comments:........................................................................................................................................................................ ....................................................................................................................................................................................................... ....................................................................................................................................................................................................... .......................................................................................................................................................................................................

Thank you for completing this form. Please detach and return to: Patient Experience team St. Luke’s Hospice, Fobbing Farm, Nethermayne, Basildon, Essex SS16 5NJ

The Hospice would like to thank RNS Publications for publishing this information and the following pages contain some features from services offering their help at this time. Whilst the Hospice is grateful of their support it does not endorse or recommend any of the services that they provide.

STOPPING JUNK MAIL If someone you know has died, we can reduce the amount of unwanted marketing post being sent to them, stopping painful daily reminders. By registering with our free service, the names and addresses of the deceased are removed from mailing lists, stopping most advertising mail within as little as six weeks.

Call: 0333 006 8114 OR

Visit our website: www.stopmail.co.uk

bereavement support network stop mail

here to help

Calls are charged at standard landline rates. Calls from mobiles are included in inclusive call packages. © Bereavement Support Network Ltd 2025

Do you need help with

Probate? You may need help, support or advice on what to do when someone dies in relation to probate. It may not always appear obvious if it will be required.

Call: 0333 240 0360 We offer free guidance on the legal and financial aspects of bereavement including your responsibilities and whether probate is required. You may need to establish whether a property is held in joint names or tenants in common, we can perform a simple check at no cost to establish the title deeds. This service is provided by

bereavement support network here to help

Connecting you with managed and D.I.Y. Probate Solutions Calls are charged at standard landline rates. Calls from mobiles are included in inclusive call packages.

When all you want is either a simple cremation or funeral We understand how expensive funerals can be and specialise in providing a valued service. In recent years families have increasingly chosen more straightforward options. We can connect you with a local partner who can offer a simple and dignified cremation from £990.00, as well as more traditional funerals where we can add personal touches to reflect your wishes.

CREMATION SUPPORT Supporting families nationally

admin@cremationsupport.co.uk

To discuss how we can provide a discreet and caring service for your loved one and confirm a fixed price:

call

0808 169 8454

Direct Cremation is from

£990.00

Price valid at time of publication but may be subject to change.