St. Kentigern H O S P I C E
H O S B I S
&
PA L L I AT I V E
A
C A R E
C H A N O L F A N
C E N T R E
G O F A L
To Help In Your Bereavement
Introduction On behalf of St. Kentigern Hospice please accept our deepest sympathy on your bereavement and be assured of our continued support at this difficult time. The death of someone close is one of the most distressing experiences anyone has to face. We hope that the practical and emotional advice and information in this booklet will help to guide you through the early days of your bereavement.
Published by RNS Publications © Tel: 01253 832400 R8
Contents When someone dies at St. Kentigern Hospice ..................1 What to do first...................................................................2 Funeral Arrangements .......................................................5 Family Support Team..........................................................6 Spiritual Care......................................................................7 What about the Children?...................................................9 Grieving..............................................................................10 Some useful contacts ........................................................13
When someone dies at St. Kentigern Hospice Your loved one’s body will be taken to our chapel of rest awaiting transfer to the undertaker. Our staff can verify the death for transfer if a doctor is not available here. The Medical Examiner will be notified of the death, our staff will explain this process to you. The Medical Certificate of Cause of Death (M.C.C.D), once complete will be sent directly to the registrars office by the Medical Examiner, to enable you to register the death. You will be able to take your loved one’s valuables and effects home with you or collect at a later date if you prefer. The hospice staff will talk to you about what to do next.
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What to do first Registering the death It is a legal requirement to register the death within 5 days. The hospice will inform you which register office to use. This should be carried out by either: •
A relative
•
Someone present at the time of death
•
Someone who will be arranging the funeral
(Should the person who has died be an overseas citizen, their embassy should be notified as soon as possible). You will need to take with you: •
Whilst not essential, a form of personal identity such as a passport or driver’s licence may be helpful
The following information: •
Date and place of death
•
Full name of the deceased, including any other names used
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Their date and place of birth
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The deceased’s occupation
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Their usual address
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Name, date of birth and occupation of spouse if the deceased was married 2
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Whether the deceased was in receipt of a pension or allowance from public funds
(It may be helpful, though not essential, to take along the deceased’s birth and marriage certificates). The registrar will give you: •
A green form (Form 9) which permits the undertaker to move the deceased from the initial funeral directors
•
A certificate of registration of death
•
The death certificate (if purchased)
It is advisable to purchase several authorised copies of the death certificate at this point as banks, insurers etc. will not normally accept ordinary photocopies. Local Register Office: The Register Office, Town Hall, Wellington Road, Rhyl, Denbighshire, LL18 1BA Tel: 01824 708100 Opening hours: Monday to Thursday: 8:30am to 4:15pm Friday: 8:30am to 3:45pm
Ruthin Town Hall, Wynnstay Road, Ruthin, LL15 1YN Tuesday: 8:30am to 3:45pm Wednesday: 8:30am to 4:15pm Thursday: 8:30am to 4:15pm
An appointment system is in operation for registering a death. In a minority of cases, the coroner may have to be involved, and a post-mortem may be carried out. 3
This includes when the cause of death is not clear or where there is potential of a work-related disease being involved. If this is the case, a doctor cannot issue a Medical Certificate of Cause of Death without consulting the coroner. The hospice staff will talk with you about why the referral has been made and will explain the process to you. If you need any further information, please do not hesitate to ring the hospice, and we will assist you all we can. Tel: 01745 585221 The hospice continues to offer its support to families and carers who have been bereaved. We will contact you with details of the bereavement support service within 3-4 weeks.
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Funeral Arrangements A funeral is an opportunity to say goodbye in a way that is right for the bereaved and the person who died. Using a funeral director Many people choose the services of a funeral director to help at what can be a confusing and distressing time. Before making any plans, it is important to check whether any specific instructions were left, or if any funeral arrangements were made and paid for in advance. You do not have to wait until the Medical Certificate of Cause of Death is issued before making initial contact with a funeral director. It is advisable to make comparisons of services and costs from at least two firms as costs can vary greatly. Please do not feel you have to accept all options presented to you at a time when you are feeling vulnerable, particularly if you have a limited budget. Independent and family-organised funerals You do not legally have to use the services of a funeral director to organise the funeral, whether burial or cremation. Some families prefer a family-organised funeral. If this is your wish, and you have time to research and prepare, you can enquire at the cemeteries and crematorium of your local authority for guidance.
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Family Support Team Counselling * Social Work * Listening Support * We can support our patient’s family members during their illness and after their death. Merith Shorter is our Psychotherapist/Counsellor, who heads up the family support team. She offers one to one counselling with adults and young people (for loved ones, carers and patients). Lisa Bryan is our Social Worker, who can advise on many issues, Lisa provides carers support and can help support bereavement projects like making memory boxes with children and therapeutic creative play. Merith and Lisa also facilitate group therapies. Matthew Thompson, St. Kentigern Chaplain Hear & Now is a volunteer listening support team who support families, and also patients on the ward. They provide a confidential and supportive service as and when needed helping across all areas of our family services. Our family support services are available to all families whose loved ones we support at the Hospice. We offer a longer term bereavement support group which normally runs over 6 sessions. Please call 01745 585221 or Email: M.shorter@stkentigernhospice.org.uk l.bryan@stkentigernhospice.org.uk m.thompson@stkentigernhospice.org.uk
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Spiritual Care Matthew Thompson is our Spiritual Care Lead/Chaplain. He provides one to one spiritual support for staff, patients, their families and loved ones and our volunteers. At St. Kentigern, we recognise that everyone has spiritual needs and beliefs. These may or may not take the form of religious beliefs and practices. Our spiritual needs centre around our understanding of life and death, our deepest hopes and fears, and what gives us our sense of purpose and fulfilment. The St. Kentigern Chapel has been re-designed as a place for spiritual reflection and comfort for people of any faith and those who do not have religious beliefs. This is embodied in its name: Man Myfyrio/Reflection Space. It hosts regular spiritual reflection services and exhibitions open to all.
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Spiritual Wellbeing Programme Care for the whole person
Aim: discover and nurture your own personal spirituality
[NOTE: This is NOT a programme on religion nor being religious. It is open to EVERYONE, irrespective of faith/belief]
Why? Benefits of our Programme: Health, Recovery and Wellbeing
• Nurturing our spirituality can increase our rate of recovery from physical, emotional and mental illness. • Promoting our spiritual wellbeing is key to promoting our physical, mental and emotional wellbeing.
Death, Dying and Bereavement
• Developing our spiritual wellbeing is vital for supporting us through our own experiences of dying, death and bereavement. • A strong, healthy spirit enables us to be a source of strength and comfort for our loved ones in their experiences of dying and bereavement
Who is it for? Anyone.
Do I need to be ‘Religious’?: NO! We all have a spirituality
• We all have faith/trust in something to guide our choices • We all seek fulfilment, peace and happiness in life. • We all need inspiration and motivation • We all need anchors of hope to get us through the storms of life.
What? Programme content: Five small group, interactive workshops drawing upon diverse cultural stories, music, reflections. Food for body mind and spirit: Session 1: Spiritual Awareness Part 1: discover your spiritual side and its connection with your physical and mental wellbeing. Session 2: Spiritual Awareness Part 2: promoting healthy body mind and spirit. Session 3: Exploring Core values: what are yours? How to nurture them. Session 4: Exploring our imagination and its links with our wellbeing. Session 5: Caring for your heart and making personalised plans to nurture your spiritual wellbeing.
Above all, guard your heart, for out of it flows all the issues of life Course Tutor: Dr. Matthew Thompson (Spiritual care Lead, St Kentigern Hospice)
What about the children? No child is too young to notice when an important person in their life is no longer there. Children often show grief in a different way to adults. How can you help bereaved children? 1. Tell children about the death as clearly and simply as you can. You may have to do this repeatedly. Avoid words and images that can be confusing e.g. ‘gone to sleep’. Encourage them to ask questions and be honest if you don’t have the answer. 2. Re-assure them they are still loved and will be taken care of. 3. Maintain as much security, routine and stability in their lives as possible. Let them know in advance of changes. 4. Re-assure them that death is not catching, and that the death of one person does not mean others will die soon. It is important not to give false assurance though, and children cannot be protected from the reality that everyone will die at some point. Re-assure them that they cannot have caused the death. 5. Involve them in planning the funeral and allow them the choice to attend, view the body or visit the grave. Prepare them in advance for what it will be like.
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Grieving Grief is normal We will all experience the loss of someone significant during our lives. Grieving is our emotional response to this loss and may be overwhelming, distressing and confusing. You may feel isolated in your grief, and as though no-one understands. This is because everyone’s grief is unique and we all react differently. Every bereavement occurs within a wider context, and you may be struggling with other issues at the same time. If your loved one had suffered a long illness, you may have begun grieving some time ago. Although the death may have been expected, you may still be surprised at the shock you feel. How might I feel? There are no rules, ‘shoulds’ or ‘oughts’ about the natural process of grieving and reactions will vary. The nature of the death, your relationship with the person who died and your present circumstances will all have a bearing on your reaction. You may experience a wide range of feelings that are difficult to make sense of. At first you may be too shocked to feel anything, having only a sense of numbness and disbelief. As you begin to grasp the reality of what has happened, you may experience some of the most powerful feelings you have ever had, including: Sad, low in mood, distress, unable to enjoy life, depressed Worried, anxious, afraid, unable to relax Angry towards others – such as family, friends, health care workers, your faith – and even the person who has died 10
Guilt and blame – yourself or others Loneliness – even in the company of others A sense of relief – especially if you have watched someone suffer a long illness A sense of longing and searching for the person who has died. It is not uncommon for grieving people to wish they could die too, to escape the pain and be with their loved one. In this case, it is helpful to talk this over with your GP or a counsellor. Physical effects These are some common physical responses to grief: Tiredness, exhaustion Sleep disturbances Aches and pains – especially headaches, backache, muscular pain Changes in appetite Nausea, unsettled tummy Low resistance so may pick up bugs like colds more easily How might grief affect my thoughts? Inability to concentrate Pre-occupied and troubled by intrusive thoughts about the person who died and the events leading up to their death Loss of hope for the future A sense of unreality and detachment from everyday events 11
How might this affect my behaviour? You may be: Irritable, angry Restless, unable to settle or relax Wanting to keep busy Tearful – or unable to cry Preferring your own company, rejecting others such as family, friends and social situations Not wanting to go out – or finding it difficult to stay in Understanding that these feelings, thoughts and behaviours can be normal grief reactions may re-assure and help you to feel less isolated at this time. No-one can know how long you will feel this way. Just as your relationship with the person who died was unique, then your feelings of grief, their intensity and duration, are unique. Your grief will change as in time you adjust to living your life while maintaining your bond with the person who died. If you feel unable to cope with your feelings, you can contact Merith Shorter at the hospice. Service of Remembrance In December each year we hold several ‘Light up a Life’ services of remembrance in the community. Family and friends of those who have died are invited to join us in remembering those who have died. The services are followed by an opportunity to talk to members of the hospice staff and the chaplain.
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Some useful contacts: Childhood Bereavement Network Provides information, guidance and support to children and young people, their families and care-givers. Tel: 020 7843 6309 www.childhoodbereavementnetwork.org.uk Citizens Advice Bureau Rhyl: 0808 278 7933 Denbigh: 0808 278 7933 Ruthin: 0808 278 7933 Samaritans 23 Bedford Street, Rhyl LL18 1SY Tel: 116 123 Welsh Language Line: 0808 164 0123 WAY (Widowed and Young) Foundation Offers support to widows and widowers up to age 50. www.widowedandyoung.org.uk Winston’s Wish Helps children rebuild their lives after the death of a parent or siblings. Includes a safe, interactive site for children. Helpline: 08088 020 021 www.winstonswish.org 13
Stop Mail A free of charge service, designed to stop unwanted junk mail being sent to your loved one. Tel: 0333 006 8114 www.stopmail.co.uk Tell Us Once Reports a death to most government organisations in one go. www.gov.uk/after-a-death MIND Mental Health support Support Line: 0300 102 1234 Information Line: 0300 123 3393 www.mind.org.uk
Reference: St Kentigern Hospice Bereavement Booklet Review Date: October 2027 Publication Date: October 2025
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The Hospice would like to thank RNS Publications for publishing this information and the following pages contain some features from services offering their help at this time. Whilst the Hospice is grateful of their support it does not endorse or recommend any of the services that they provide.
STOPPING JUNK MAIL If someone you know has died, we can reduce the amount of unwanted marketing post being sent to them, stopping painful daily reminders. By registering with our free service, the names and addresses of the deceased are removed from mailing lists, stopping most advertising mail within as little as six weeks.
Call: 0333 006 8114 OR
Visit our website: www.stopmail.co.uk
bereavement support network stop mail
here to help
Calls are charged at standard landline rates. Calls from mobiles are included in inclusive call packages. © Bereavement Support Network Ltd 2025
Do you need help with
Probate? You may need help, support or advice on what to do when someone dies in relation to probate. It may not always appear obvious if it will be required.
Call: 0333 240 0360 We offer free guidance on the legal and financial aspects of bereavement including your responsibilities and whether probate is required. You may need to establish whether a property is held in joint names or tenants in common, we can perform a simple check at no cost to establish the title deeds. This service is provided by
bereavement support network here to help
Connecting you with managed and D.I.Y. Probate Solutions Calls are charged at standard landline rates. Calls from mobiles are included in inclusive call packages.
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This publication has been jointly developed between ourselves and the hospice. We hope that it has been or will be of help at this time and we welcome any comments or suggestions that you may have. Please contact us either by phone, email or by post.
RNS Publications, Trium House, Broughton Way, Whitehills, Blackpool, Lancashire FY4 5QN
01253 832400 enquiries@rns.co.uk