Having Difficult Conversations

SUPPORTING SURREY

Having Difficult Conversations

In November, Surrey Law Society members and subscribers to the Surrey JLD mailing list were invited to attend a free webinar on Having Difficult Conversations –How to Build Positive & Stable Professional Relationships. The session, which was part of the Supporting Surrey programme, was presented by the excellent Joanna Gaudoin and we’re delighted that she has shared some of her top tips from the webinar here.

What’s your approach to difficult conversations?

Difficult conversations. None of us can get through life without having them – and they can cause anxiety and stress. It’s important to face up to these conversations and find an approach that works for you. In fact, you might even find that the right approach brings positive results.

Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton & Sheila Heen define difficult conversations as, “Conversations that are hard to have because they involve a topic you care about and/or someone you care about.”

If you think about some difficult conversation situations you have found yourself in, you will see this is true. Typical challenging topics include being unhappy with your compensation package at work, your high performing Associate not getting the promotion you have put them forward for, priorities changing or someone’s behaviour which has impacted you. You can probably think of other examples in your own working life.

Avoiding bringing up topics where we have a point of disagreement, or a negative emotion means that resentment can build. Also, when we think or feel something negative about someone then our brains naturally look for other occurrences to reaffirm those feelings.

Whilst bringing up every little annoyance with your colleagues isn’t really a good idea, if something is likely to have an ongoing impact or be something that could occur again, it is really important to have the difficult conversation you need to with the relevant person or people.

Thomas Kilmann talks about default conflict modes (this relates to your general approach to difficult conversations) and explains

that most people sit in the ‘Avoiding’ category. However, he also says that the only time when it is important to avoid a difficult conversation is when emotions are very high, and the topic would be best left to another day. He also worked through three other modes which are:

‘Competing’ – where you are keen to have the conversation and push your own point of view forward but not keen to cooperate with others. The time to put this mode into place is when there is a crisis situation, or a quick decision is needed, and you are the best person to push forward with your viewpoint.

‘Accommodating’ – this is when you raise a difficult topic and seek to discuss with others but are less likely to push your view to the forefront. This mode is valuable when you want to make sure a topic is raised but you are aware you may not have the best level of information or expertise so will raise it but are very likely to end up giving way to another view.

‘Collaborating’ – when you raise a topic and feel you have an informed contribution to make to the issue. This mode is better implemented when you think you have a similar level of knowledge or expertise to contribute to the topic as others.

Of course, compromise is often touted as a good way forward but in some instances it isn’t possible. You have to make a decision one way or the other.

What is your default conflict mode? When might it be helpful to be in a different mode?

On the premise that you’re going to have a difficult conversation, here are some of my top tips.

Before you have the conversation:

■ Consider as objectively as possible what actually happened in the situation.

■ Reflect on what your role is in the situation, how you may have contributed to what happened which may have influenced other people’s actions or behaviours.

■ Consider what assumptions you have made that have led you to feel the way you do or think the way you do.

■ Take the time to process your emotions and define them.

■ Arrange a time to have the conversation you need to: tacking it onto another meeting is rarely going to result in a successful outcome.

During the conversation:

■ Listen as much as you possibly can.

■ Express your feelings but detail your thoughts from an objective point of view as far as possible and without actively blaming or labelling the other person: such as “You are disorganised”.

■ State any assumptions that have contributed to your view and how you feel.

■ Make it clear you want to resolve the challenge together and where relevant, state you are raising this so that you have good communication and can improve your working relationship.

■ Focus on mutual problem-solving.

After the conversation:

■ Reflect on what you have learnt from the situation.

■ Continue to work on the relationship with the person or people.

This is an extremely complex and difficult topic, that can only really be touched on here. The context of the situation and strength of existing relationships have a big role to play.

I would strongly recommend that you think about how you currently approach, and feel about, difficult conversations and what two to three actions and behaviours you can focus on to move forward from where you are. By focusing on what you can change, you can manage these issues much more confidently, improving relationships and building trust with the people you work with.

Joanna Gaudoin

About the author

Joanna Gaudoin runs Inside Out Image helping bright, knowledgeable people with great technical skills and experience improve their non-technical skills, so they progress their careers and boost their firm’s performance. She has run her business for over a decade and has worked with thousands of people including many lawyers, both individually and in groups. She is also a professional speaker and author of Getting On: Making work work ■